How to Get Less Defensive in Relationships 

This is an all-too common problem. Hopefully keeping our film in mind can help.

Well just choose not to then. Nothing has any meaning but the meaning you give it. It does take some serious committed practice though. Good luck!

Unlike "the school of life" I might be able to help shed some light on this for you. In my opinion - the problem that you have is this: you agree with your critics. If you could think more of yourself / better of yourself then you might not see things this way. You are the only person who can help you. Best wishes and God bless.

@@davidrobert2007 actually, the school of life discuss this in their book "On Confidence" Worth a read in my opinion...

Imagine everyone you deal with operates with the best possible motives. Know that they too have their issues. The world has the power to mess with them as well.

omg... thats so cute 😍

Not in that exact words but in similar way I told my ex the same things and he said "I don't wanna explain everything. I did it with my ex and nothing changed so I'm not gonna do it with you." We broke up afterwards. So both sides have to be willing to do it and work on it.

@@khirsah666 I'm sorry you had to go thru that. It must have been tough.

And… remain discerning and determine IF there are “significant but you ignore them anyway, since your partner was so ‘sincere’ when they explained you can disclose everything so they get to know you better thus they told you these things to manipulate you later… because they can be so patient and think long-term control” red flag markers for covert narcissism.

@@khirsah666 I hope you also understand his side.

And sense of security from the people in your inner circle. Being vulnerable amongst wolves would tear our existence.

@@anonymousnation5235 Yes!! Some people tend to disrespect other peoples boundaries, and therefore, it is sometimes perfectly reasonable to defend those boundaries. One should strive to understand the reason, not to suppress every negative emotion they get.

@@anonymousnation5235 not being vulnerable amongst wolves is tearing it even more. I think it is rather the matter of boundaries, which often are neglected by vulnerable us.

.... Yes.... (which, of course, is not what the video is asking us to be)

growing up i HATED being made fun of (and to some degree i feel as though that’s actually justifiable) i think it was 50/50… 50- my family being shitty 50- me being “sensitive” i was at my exs (grandmas) place. my ex is a malignant narcissist. a “mutual friend” of ours also happened to be there. i had (unfortunately) fallen asleep and they stayed up. at some point i woke up and i was insanely tired, but (unbeknownst) to them i was cognizant… i’m ngl i felt like the living dead tbh and i even sat up like they be doing in the movies 😭 before i could say anything, his friend says, “why she look like the cryptkeeper?” and i just bust tf out laughing… (it still makes me laugh a little 😅) it was almost like the laugh was a wave and the remnants of the wave splashing at my feet was the hurt… (because niggas was not saying shit like that when i was awake) but it wasn’t too surprising as i could already tell my ex would work on his triangulation whenever i would leave so i don’t really blame his friend for succumbing to the pathetic nature of the narc, but it still hurt a little nonetheless… but at some point, i was overcome with the same feeling you get when a cloud is no longer blocking the sun, i felt… radiance, when i was able to appreciate that my genuine first response was to just laugh…

Good point. I'd also add that some people are just unable to be that vulnerable, unfortunately.

Anything worth having is, by nature, difficult to acquire. Good relationships especially.👍

@@colinstewart1432, I might still be married if we had been less defensive but blunter with one another. Some of the most significant conflicts left undiscussed can result in much unhappiness. We both did it.

Absolutely! Relationships are not meant to be easy, it does take work and self-growth, and growth together.

I want to, but for whatever reason i can´t overcome my anxiety to move on.. :(

What you tell couples is excellent advice! #2 especially. Thank you for sharing!

@@TalD You are so welcome. I am happy to hear you appreciated it. Thank you for saying so. Take care. : )

You just made me realize that one of the things that sometimes "drive me crazy" about my partner are also tied to his qualities that make me admire him so much (and to no one's surprise, those are qualities that are totally opposite mine). It's hard to notice these things when you are freshly "driven crazy" :) In such occasions, it's always nice to take a step back and evaluate the situation fairly, remembering why you actually love them. Thank you.

@@rbylnz Well said. I told my therapist yesterday that I believe that Lawrence and I are the great romantic loves of each other's lives, but I do not mean this sentimentally or esoterically. I do not, for example, believe in the concept of a "soul mate." Good relationships require "work" in the form of give and take, which can be difficult because it will mean dropping "shields and weapons" that were developed back in the day. I think that part of Lawrence's and my passion derives from familiarity, from a recognition of psychological and emotional dynamics that "look and feel" the same as what was being called "love" in our primary homes. The word "love" gets thrown around a lot. When I first met Lawrence almost 25 years ago, my then-therapist said that you should be careful with people who you meet who you feel as though you have known forever, "because you probably have" for good and ill. The School of Life has posted about "Rupture and Repair" previously. I guess that is what Lawrence and I have been doing all these years. Individually and together, we have attempted to "rupture" and then "repair" things that were broken in the past in order to heal and "form a more perfect union" here and now. As this video aptly posits, for a relationship to change and grow and deepen, we have to stop being defensive, which requires patience, trust, faith, vulnerability, generosity, understanding, empathy, compassion, love, and laughter also helps immensely. : ) Finally, a study was finished recently that is supposedly the longest study ever conducted about what constitutes happiness in human beings across time and cultures. The answer is rather obvious, isn't it? Deep, meaningful relationships with other people. Humans are social beings first and last. If your ability to socialize well and form meaningful bonds with other people is damaged, distorted, or broken by the example set in your primary home, you probably ought to fix that, which will probably involve other people besides a therapist. : ) Thank you for commenting, and good luck with your relationship. I bet that when our lives "flash before our eyes" near the end, every, single one of the memories involves someone we loved who loved us, too. Take care. : )

Hi, how are you doing?

I Agree x2 (op and 1st reply). Thanks for typing that all out. I can now get on with the day emotionally unscathed 🙃.

What you've just mentioned was one of the foundations of my past relationship. My BF being a high corporate employee (Project manager of some kind) insisted that I should abandon my current job and look for something more ambitious (e.g. apply for a job at a international corporation) because Im wasting my potential. At some point I've even considered that option and even got quite excited about switching careers. But I was hesitant and reluctant so he said the other day: " I wish my BF would earn some decent money so we could go places buy stuff etc." and that is when I saw a red light 🚨 and someone violating my boundaries. It later turned out he wasn't encouraging me to switch jobs so I can be a better version of myself but because he wanted to move to Spain and take me with him as a corporate employee. It was his dream that he insisted to bring to life no matter what. So we ended the relationship.

People can not tell why they are being defensive. They believe it's because they are being attacked because that's how they feel. So if you feel defensive, it becomes impossible to think clearly about how your defensiveness is being caused by you. You're convinced it's due to your partner. And this is exactly where you need a honest and loving partner to politely show you, that you in fact are bringing the defensiveness to the situation but you feel like you're just reacting to it. And in order to do that you must admit your partner might know something about your motivation that you don't and can't see. Hence they must teach you. But a defensive person doesn't want to be taught simply because then they feel like they aren't as smart as the other person and get triggered. The first step is to disbelieve your feelings that lead to defensiveness and believe your partner and this video. The second step is to listen. You can't do this by yourself

Well first of all people become defensive even when the other person is not criticizing them. However the defensive person feels like it is a criticism. John and Julie Gottman have a long series on criticism and I have studied it and know the difference between voicing a comment on someone's behavior and being critical of that person. However my wife who is defensive doesn't feel the difference at all and regularly conflates them. She understands the difference because she too has studied the Gottmans, but when it comes time to put that into practice, she just can't. That's because while she intellectually understands being defensive, she can't emotionally understand what she is doing.

If someone feels offended by an attempt to communicate advice or a displeasure in action, the two communication styles are not resonating and maybe they should just end the relationship and stop trying to force things

That was the highlight for me too lol

When they crack an egg with a chainsaw 😆😂

haha same

The "love me for who I am" crowd are the last ones to take their own advice...at least in my experiences. They demand to be loved with all their flaws yet won't extend that love to other 'flawed' people.

@@Israel-nb7ip 👏👏👏

I love this! I can relate too, after 22 years of continually learning about each other we have started to be less defensive (or at least explain why we are feeling defensive!) and come out the other side together!

I know right? It's so frustrating when you approach someone with genuine conversation and advice but they turn it into a quarrel. I have this dynamic with my mother and I'm so out of patience.

In my own experience, I can deal with some level of defensiveness provided that the its a two-way street. One thing I've noticed about highly defensive people is that they also don't curb their own criticisms of others and especially their partners. So its a double-whammy of dealing with BOTH their defensive personalities and their own double-standard for how they want to be treated vs how they treat others.

I feel your pain , my last girlfriend was perfect for me in almost every aspect other than her being very defensive which just completely drained me that I couldn't deal with it anymore..

Like so many here, I’m really struggling with my partner and his defensiveness. It raises its head almost every time I chat with him (he’s usually silent so talking is rarely easy) I like to show interest in his day or help with stuff at home and I have a naturally enquiring mind but no matter the subject you can really feel it. I often check myself and long for him to respond to me by asking me things but he rarely does. Even on our first ‘date’ having a meal out he didn’t ask about me etc so guess it’s my fault but I just put it down to him being introverted it’s a shame as I’ve found he’ll sometimes lie about answers he does give also, despite being over quite small things. Of course how could I bring this up as it’d be met with defensiveness again 😢

@@ktpuss I'd say don't "make him" talk to you. Introverted or not, a person who cares enough does communicate.

"She needed to ask me what she did wrong." (Kingson) and "in my mind, I am constantly looking for ways to understand and forgive you. The more you tell me what you're thinking, the more you help me to forgive and love you" (NinjaGuySith). Those two right there were missing in my ex, the trust to resolve issues was gradually depleted and I just got tired of it. I was constantly trying to understand her and why those two concepts were never articulated from her side. That feeling of unease when conflicts arose and were never fully resolved other than for changes to occur on my side, very unsettling. It opens conversation about how both parties can work together better. It seems like basic common sense in any relationship. These two concepts are going high up on my list of things to watch for early on to save us both time, not getting any younger and we all have things to do.

I am at this stage in my relationship but afraid to lose the love that we share but the emotional turmoil during conflicts 😢is just beyond me. No willingness to fix things…but all these negative emotional reactions…let me try work on it, will see with time

@@nomkhosibuthelezi1208 courage

Happy for you! She does not sound like someone you could get into a loving relationship with for now. I hope she will work on herself. Good for you for choosing your own happiness ❤

definitly...its upto us to understand whether the intention is to bring us down or was it genuine constructive criticism..

Not entirely. The way someone cooks their pasta or peels their hard-boiled egg would come from irritability? But if you're in a toxic relationship, defensiveness isn't the main focus, I'd say. Not all criticism is constructive; whether it deserves to be heeded is another argument, but you can *probably* be less defensive about hearing it.

If you just accept criticism and don't correct the behavior it will just lead to disaster.

Accept criticism only if you agree. After a good and honest introspection.

Good point! Without trust there us no room for vulnerability.

Lovely to hear from you Katy and we're always glad to hear our films are reaching the right audience. All the best to you and your partner.

Happy New Year Changemakers! As always a timely and inspiring message. Could you please share one for adult siblings on defensivness, rapture and repair? Thank you.

Same here! Good luck

Joining the boat. Not an ex thankfully, but several people I have met through my life. My experience says not to trust other people, even if they claim they are 'nice'. Trust is not something you can just expect from another person, and trusting everyone is not necessarily a healthy thing.

@@HereIAm247 agreed. Trust and mutual confidence is something two people build over time. People usually demand to randomly trust them. It doesn't work this way.

Thanks as always for watching Trina. These are certainly words to live by.

Serve God by Loving Yourself

What would you ideally like to say to your partner if they weren't at risk of becoming defensive? "I want to break up with you, we have grown apart".

@@bastiaan7777777 so do it

“Bitcoin is not a good investment sell all your coins before you lose even more money!” 😅

@@sgonzalez_guitarra Eventually the break up will find him.

Well... I don't know your relationship. But the goal is not to never feel anything negative. The goal is to understand why you feel defensive/mat - the root cause. And then you evaluate wether this is an unfair reaction from you - or if it is something that is normal to be defensive/angry about. For example disrespecting someones boundaries. I would take most advice on this channel with a grain of salt. There are some good points there, but sometimes, there is a good reason to be angry.

Right? Not all people give constructive and fair criticism. It's not rare to receive mean comments, just because their day had been bad. But if those comments are based on truth, it can be so difficult to see if you should actually believe them (and maybe become insecure because it's not possible to fix) or become defensive about it to save yourself.

@@SepiaMaddy You are spot on 💯

I also believe our egos (our subconscious mind) is a huge factor in distorted behavior. This can apply also to the person who is throwing colliding words. If they weren't listening to their ego, they wouldn't be so concerned that the other person is ever so slightly deviating from their conceptions of what is correct. IOW, the attacker can be more open and not actually care to attack/criticize/teach cuz they can actually recognize that the subject matter is in fact quite inconsequential. Or their approach will be much kinder eg asking if the other is interested in hearing their advice. The ego is probably a huge part of what convinced people they need to correct someone else, to be right, to win, to be perceived as wiser.

You can't wish yourself out of existence.

Just remember, when people ignore your boundaries, it is okay to defend them. If they do not listen, it is sometimes necessary to tell them louder. The goal is to understand your reactions, and why they occur - not to suppress every negative emotion you get. Sometimes, they are what warns you when someone is disrespecting you.

Interesting. I will reflect on this. I'm pretty pro defensiveness and anti-criticizing but you've made me think... If I'm the one feeling the need to defend, I'm unable to control the other person (whether it's an attack or kind suggestion) so all I can do is work on my own part of it - so maybe I can revisit my stance and realize that I might be trying too hard to "look good" and worry less about that - maybe the other person will be proud of me for agreeing to try and grow. Thank you.

For example, what if the feedback isn’t something changeable, or it isn’t something that’s valid (such as misinterpretations of your intentions, or feedback regarding a disability)? When it isn’t something you can change, how do you not be defensive?

A tip: read up on giraffe/wolf language. It is explained kind of funny, but it is a very effective tool to use in discussions to have open and positive communications. :)

Thanks Bobby - and rest assured, we have no plans to stop making films! Please keep returning to our account, we release a new film every Wednesday.

Sounds like you have encountered a narcissist before.

@@quickgirl80 you can experience this even if you are not together with a narcissist. It has to do with To bring someone into colonial dependency. Colonization is nothing else but the attempt to rule over others - against their will, but unfortunately often with their tolerance.

soundtrack after the trash ban. touché

Cheers to you too!