How Our Childhoods Affect Our Adult Lives 

Has your childhood affected your adult life? Let us know in the comments or we have a discussion going on right now our app available free here: goo.gl/4npVrq

Worst is when in childhood a child shows reaction to parents actions and get shut up quickly. Parents cross the line when they try to set limits or ban feelings and emotions simply because they don't know how to deal with it and refuse to take responsibility for it. My parents have even tried to tell me that the actions they did weren't meant to hurt me, the thing is it left me feeling the way I did and you can't change that no matter how you look at it. Parents fear change and the unknown so they want things to go their way. So it becomes natural for them to get frustrated at the smallest changes and not notice it being wrong.

For friends who had a horrifying childhood, here is an idea that could be helpful: Some time ago, a very beloved friend of mine told me that he had this " autoimmune disease". It means that your own immune system attacks your body's healthy cells and tissues. It is like a war going on inside you. I forgot its name, but he said it has no cure. I felt so sad for him. But he also told me that it isn't that bad indeed. And he explained it this way: Because he has this illness, he knows that he has to take care himself very well. He exercises regularly, he eats only healthy stuff, he doesn't smoke, he avoids too much stress, he sleeps enough, he drinks moderately. He says if he didn't have the illness he would live very differently. But now he is forced to follow the right path, in order to have everything under control. It sounds paradoxical, but with that incurable illness, he probably has a more healthier life style now , than he would have had, if he was born completely healthy. I think having had a horrible childhood is also like having an " autoimmune disease". There is no cure. You'll always have that " destructive force" inside you, working "against" your best interests: You probably will choose the wrong partners, because they make you feel " at home", you will have low self esteem no matter what you achieve, you will feel guilty for things for which you have no responsibility at all, you will generally not be able to trust anybody. There is no ultimate cure, but one can deal with these symptoms. Because knowing about this condition, just like my friend with his disease, can be a force to keep you always on the right path: surrounding yourself with beauty and wisdom all the time. With literature, with music, with art, with nature, with curious and kind people. You will CONSTANTLY need consolation. But if you always look for it in the right places, everything you do that helps you, will also be helpful to everyone else around you. Since there is no greater joy than sharing. Friends from Greece, do you remember these verses by Ritsos? Άλλη χαρά δεν είναι πιο μεγάλη απ’ τη χαρά που δίνεις. Να το θυμάσαι, κοριτσάκι. And here is another poem I love. It helps you to forgive those who tortured you in the past: "They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you. But they were fucked up in their turn By fools in old-style hats and coats, Who half the time were soppy-stern And half at one another’s throats. Man hands on misery to man. It deepens like a coastal shelf. Get out as early as you can, And don’t have any kids yourself." Philip Larkin

For 17 years I never considered my parents to be the reason why I am emotionally fragile, until now.

I had an extremely screwed up childhood, yet I try my best to act sane. I should get therapy soon.

As an adult with major depression, I agree.

Childhood is a hostage situation..

I always felt the need to seek approval and thus did some stupid, attention seeking things in my teens, whereas my brothers & sister received positive feedback and have grown up more successful than I have. To this day I still feel like the black sheep of the immediate family.

"Childhood is an open prison" Although the video is true, it's sad.....

Humiliation, slapping and name calling; those are My mothers favourites forms of abuse. My bad for internalizing them and allowing them to mold me into a victim. I wish I had looked within her and her past sooner. Thankfully, today I can move past those experiences and grow into the powerhouse I am meant to be. I owe growth and understanding to Spiritual coaching.

why... why do you guys always upload at the right damn time?

You can be emotionally vulnerable if your parents gives you too much love and are overprotective it can lead to unintended consequences.

I've often thought this, like 70% of peoples personality is down to how they were brought up. This makes me more sympathetic to shitty people because technically it's not their fault

What is good childhood even look like ? Seriously

This is so relatable.

And that's why people say we should look within as soon as we can. Only introspection can free us from the chains of childhood. If anyone is struggling with primal fears or injuries, try to think what has caused it. You will not find the answer immediately because we might have lost the cue, but a certain amount of incubation and you shall get the answers. :)

My childhood has definitely affected my adult life. I’m 24 and have been in therapy for the last 9 months. On my own time I spend researching the whys and indulging in nature because my pain has become too apparent to myself. In a stage where I am facing my wounds for what they are and how they got there. I still have a number of good friends but I’m isolated most of the time... it’s how I find myself being able to completely listen to the whispers of my sorrows. This all sounds dark. I realize that... but I’m so grateful to be here. In a painful isolated truthful room. I guess because however low... and scary it may be it’s me. And for the first time I see myself for me and feel so close to me. And no matter what happened she’s still here alive. I’m still here alive. So what happens next... ? I don’t really know. All I really know is what’s happening now and what’s here now. Which is me. Peace and love everyone ❤️

My primal wound as a child was being used by my parents and grandma as an errand boy to go to the store ALL the time. No one cared that I had to study or was tired.

I was abused by an older male relative over a span of weeks at age 9. I’m 18 now never spoke about it. I think it harms me.

I was diagnosed with severe depression and ptsd and I lived a generally good childhood and was never beat or yelled at this video hit the nail on the head

transference and projection come in a lot. We project our feelings from our childhoods to the people in our present.

Those statues representing the parents are from around 7000 years ago, from what we now call the Hamangia Culture, named so after the village in Romania they were dug up in.

This is too true for me, damn, I wish parents would listen to lessons like this instead of dismissing it as related to politics they disagree with or new generational weaknesses

I think that kid might be adopted...he doesn't look like his parents.

The last part was epic and enlightening. This made me feel quite compassionate and sympathetic towards my parents.

These videos are thought out, narrated brilliantly and give is an in-depth understanding of various topics. Well done.

...Especially, if you heard it, your ENTIRE childhood. I could only find escape via movies and art.

I wish all parents who have children watch this , enough !

Brilliant...one of the best you have ever done. Thank you for it.

The narration is unbelievably massive! A very poetic flow, yet every sentence, if listened to carefully, makes sense. This is beautifully done, Alan!

Beautiful video guys. I’ve always tried explaining this concept to people but now I can just show them this video, couldn’t of said it better myself!

Wow. Just truly AWEsome. Always big ideas helpful to all humanity, expressed with a simple-to-understand and elegant text, with creative images, and a tender suave voice. Chapeau bas! Deeply grateful.

What a perceptive, thought-provoking sentence. Thank you. We make our lives tougher than they should be because we insist on thinking of people, ourselves and others as evil and mean rather than as is almost invariably the case, primarily the victims of what we have all in some way gone through: an extremely tricky early history.

This is such important information. It's vital to our well being to look back and examine any mental constructs that were created during a difficult early childhood.

this is just years of knowledge in minutes,thank you so much!

So true. From day one, we are like "leafs on a wave" of family, neighborhood, culture--floating on top of forces we have absolutely no control over.

i appreciate the creativity and dedication in devising the graphics and visual analogies.

I hate to think that I’m blaming my parents for how messed up I am now as an adult. I come from the most loving family and everyone loved me to death. We’re comfortable financially and I had everything I wanted. But I never felt understood. My emotions were largely neglected most of the time because my parents claimed that “I’m too young to understand real problems in life and loads of other people are struggling to live”. They were too busy working to teach me why I was wrong but went straight into punishment instead. They believed it was the quickest way to teach me a lesson. I was bullied at school and then I started thinking what is wrong with me that no one seems to care about my feelings? I grew up being this love and sex addict who constantly looks for validations from toxic and emotionally abusive relationships, in order to “make things right again”. I don’t believe there’s a cure for my childhood trauma because I tried talking to my parents about it recently and they just said I should be grateful for everything they’ve given me instead of making things out of nothing

I want "The school of life" guy to be my dad!

Beautifully timed. I wouldn't hesitate to say you guys have an almost godly guide-lining to the timing of your content. When I was younger, in 2006, I had several birds that I cared for, and I was reflecting on this this morning. One day one of my parakeets, which at the time I had six, was poking his head around the bottom of the cage as I was heading out the door with my backpack slung around me. I took one glance at him, and when I came home he was dead on the cage floor. I went and fetched a glove, my lip quivering, and I picked him up. He had broken his neck, and it swung limply around like a flimsy lantern; when I took him to my mother in the living-room I was babbling trying not to cry for fear she might ridicule me for expressing my emotions. Always seemed like that happened at school dating as far back as early elementary, just like the contents of your video demonstrate, so I've noticed now that it's difficult to just be myself as I habitually zone in on others around me even when I'm not directly looking at them. I think about them, what they might be doing, and I shape myself accordingly it seems like, but at the same time I jump all in trying to love people from the start only to feel like I'm being turned away, and then I fall under the impression that I'm opening up too much. Ah, parallels and complexes and things.

Preach guys!! You’re brilliant :) thank you❤️

What an amazing video which explains childhood trauma so simply

Make videos on how to overcome a bad childhood! You have already made so many videos about why a good childhood is important.

How our childhood affects our adult lives AKA every single school of life video

YES!!!!! What a BRILLIANT explanation!! Sharing far and wide... :) THIS is why we change negative childhood memories! Thanks for this FABulous explanation!

this one was one of the best! thank you!

Your voice is the best part it’s so safe sounding

Thank you Mr de Botton, an excellent explanation! An expansion of the phrase 'We spend all our adult lives overcoming our childhood.'

Omg! That was so insightful, beautiful and tragic. You Sir, are a genius, and l absolutely love the sound of your voice and the gentle and profound narration

Very interesting...

Most people talk about reliving their childhood. I actually love my adulthood because I am aware, knowledgeable, and actually have control over most of what I do or what happens to me....

There should be videos like this shown everywhere to raise the awareness..such a major problem in our society...

My parents had the worst argument 2 days before my 12th birthday. I know by that time I should be a pre-teen (or even a teen) then, still it traumatised me so much when my mum pushed me away as I tried to hug her. The look in her eyes were full of rage and it almost seemed like she hated me, like she blamed everything on me and wanted me to leave forever. It struck me so hard, but she probably doesn't even remember anymore. All she sees are my flaws and traits that could help her look like a great mother to the people outside. I realised I have been subconsciously afraid of her ever since.

Wow You guys take on difficult subjects You are awesome Thanks for bringing up subjects that need to talk about Shedding light on our lives brings healing DS

This video makes me rethink having children. However, eventually we are responsible for each of our own lives, and you can correct the wrong by lessons learned. I hope to teach this.

Superb video. Thanks for sharing.

Probably my favorite School of Life episode, thanks to poignant message and brilliant animation with tons of humor.

Being a parent my self, i see the meny flaws i have. And its more easy to relate to my own parents "misstakes". Being a parent is not an easy task. I never blamed my parents, but i do understand more. Thay never created this "crack" inside me by choice. Thay did the best thay could in their situation. I can never be a perfect dad, but im trying to be the person i want my son to be when he grows up.

I still feel like we should take responsibillity of our lives. If we know our faults, we should correct them, not blame them on our experiences. If you want to change your life now, then you have to change the way you live now.

Brilliant. Why doesn't everyone know this? We should be taught this in school. I have spent a good portion of my adult life recovering from childhood wounds, but that is ok because I do not believe that anything worth having in this life is easily gotten. Thank you for this consistently excellent material. : )

« Childhood is an open prison ». Yikes 😰😰😰

The graphics of this video can be the reason why I'm traumatized

No parents are perfect unfortunately Edit: I know what you guys are saying. And that is why every person in this world has *some* sort of flaw(s) in their character :-) it is normal, and to be expected, because our parents also have problems from their childhood, etc. The cycle goes on.

Now 53yr, and from birth my whole life has been a train wreck. I'm not going to talk about it as its too painful. If things had been different, I would have been different. Now I struggle with long term depression and social anxiety. I was a good mother to my two sons with disorders, who are adults now and both have jobs and happy lives. I gave to them what I never recieved, I was their protector and supported them through every step of their lives. I'm proud of myself for doing that. I became overwhelmed just now over my past and needed to talk and this video showed up. The most important things children need is.....being told they are loved, cuddles and fun, bounderies, support and good communication anytime they need it. Teach them skills to get them through life. Find out their interests and strengths and work with these. Keep them safe and teach them how to keep themselves safe. I felt so sad just now but I can't go back and change the past.

Very good one... Thank You

Thank you all for sharing in the comments. I find it helpful to know that there are other people who had similar experience to mine. Haha ironic that the video exists but I'm glad I found it and their series on compassion

After my parents died when I was 16 I always said I had a great and wonderful childhood. But now, 20 years later, I get more and more horrified by the things my parents did or didn't do. Now I realize more and more, that a lot of my problems I had and partly still have derived from their behaviour as parents. It still makes me angry sometimes. But at least some good things come from it. For example thanks to my parents I see smokers as what they are, drug addicts, and have no respect for their "need" of special drug breaks during work or long travels (if you can't stop smoking for even just a couple of hours, you are a drug addict!). My parents smoked EVERY DAY in my room even though I told them again and again that I don't want them to smoke in my room, because it stinks. They didn't care. My parents compliant about not having enough money to reach the end of the month or go on holiday with us kids. The had that money, they just "invested" it in 20 - 40 cigarettes per day (each) so it went up in smoke. I told them every month, they didn't care. They even "borrowed" money from their own children to keep on smoking at the end of the month - of course they NEVER gave it back. Dear reader, if you are a smoker, please don't be offended that a random guy in the youtube comment section calls you a drug addict! Just stop taken that s***! If not for your sake, do it for the sake of your children! Don't be a fool and ruin their lifes (and yours)! Since you obviously don't really need that money that you spend for tobacco products, rather invest it in your childrens education!

LOL, THAT WHALE! THAT WAS THE GREATEST HUMOR THING I HAVE EVER SEEN ON THIS CHANNEL!

BoJack Horseman needs to watch this vid

Gorgeous animation as always ❤️

I hope this channel is still here for when I have kids

I loved the end so much.

The animation is amazingly artful!

These animations creep me out sometimes but I love the messages

This makes so much sense now

I struggle to upload once a week and you guys are uploading 2 videos per day lol. I admire the hustle though, you guys never cease to come up with creative videos. Keep it up :)

Fantastic animation. I like the line about living in an open prison. So true. So much to think about in this video.

Love the Art Style 🔥

Overcoming the social pathogenesis of heritable behavioral, ancestral pain & injuries that plague our life journey can be the most significant event we can overcome. Heal one's lineage collectively brings peace to the past, present & future, we need tools like that of the ancients, their rites & rituals that sooth help us divine, heal & reacquire/maintain connection.

Very profound this made me think about myself and my children. I would hate to hinder my child in this way.

I'm loving the animation

I enjoy every bit of this video

I don't think this video was supposed to make me tear up...but it did. Hit too close to home.

I feel vulnerable and susceptible to hurt when I watch these videos. I’m almost always left with the wondering, once given these interpretations of my past, how do I move on? These videos can alleviate guilt in a way by assuring us that our lives were shaped by forces outside of our control. But this claim can also feel disempowering, because now, being an adult, we have to carry with us this baggage. I don’t want to blame my parents because I know they tried their best, I simply want to move forward. How does your philosophy help us move forward as it is so rooted in the past?

guess im late.. excellent video as always SOL!!!

I kid you not, I was just writing about what causes me anxiety and the number 1 thing was people in authority becoming furious with me. I didn't know why I felt like I wanted the ground to swallow me instead of facing an angry authority figure. I guessed that my parents (who were loud and demeaning when angry) were the cause. I've been told that it was a silly notion, I was blowing it out of proportion, and that they were just being cranky, I shouldn't have taken it to heart. But I was 5. They were all I saw. I wouldn't know that the world isn't ending because to me they are my world. Why did I think I was doing well? They told me I was. Why did I think I was absolutely rubbish at what I tried? Because they told me I was. Whether or not what they said was true, I would not know. They were my standard of truth and I believed them.

Thank you

As an adult who suffers with anxiety. I totally agree

As someone with 2 diagnosed Personality disorders, its a daily reality. Very well made video

Great work with the Video. The Problem is that nowadays some parents are still mentally children in an adults body, thus they are Not able to parent their children. Television and Media does the parenting which is a double edged sword. Another Problem is that some familys have hierarchy structures, so if the omega starts to "rise up" in the structure, the "upper ranks" notice and try to prevent that with passive agression, which leads to heavy confusion and guilt on the victim. Its a mental pecking order.

As a parent, this basically tells me that no matter how hard I might try to get it right, I'm going to screw up my kids somehow, if for no other reason than I am a flawed and scarred product of other humans.

With the toxic, unstable and problematic family that I had I could confirm that your childhood really is a big part of who you will be. It's so messed up that now I'm struggling and am just not normal, it's really sad.

This was one of my rants and yes it does.

Wow. All gold!

May all children know not to take their wounds as their possessions

Insightful.

I found out I was adopted when I was 44,I did not have loving supportive parents. But I get told that I should be lucky they brought here in Us. But it still affects my relationships with friends/ certain family members. Holidays ,birthdays etc. really suck because it's a constant reminder of what I don't have, and gets lonely. I don't think I'll ever get over till the day I'm no longer here.

This was truly thought provoking and wonderful, as usual. But it also made me very anxious. It does seem like, no matter what I do, I won’t be able to raise my future kids in a way that spares them of that early trauma. And frankly, that’s the one thing I want most. I don’t want my potential future kids to suffer like I did/do. I want them to be as emotionally mature and healthy as possible...is that truly impossible then? I know I’m still young and probably won’t get kids very soon but it is something I have on my mind a lot. I don’t want to make the mistakes that have been made with me, but I know it’s not possible to not make mistakes...

I blamed my failings/shortcomings as an adult on the way my parents were and how they raised me...until I became a parent myself. I realized that my parents did the best they could as parents, for me, as I am trying to do for my children. 😐

I've always wondered why I'm so angry when I'm being bullied. Finally, I found the answer