How should you deal with toxic family? Join us for a look at family systems just in time for the holidays so that you can go from drama-filled to Spirit-filled.
I left a toxic mother, I was a wretched rotten kid. I went to my dad and said, look I realize what I do is bad and I want to fix it. Dad said, I know of only one person who can do that. Started going to church, reading and listening to the Bible, watched hundreds of hours of sermons. I did an about face and I'm saved. The toxicity hardened me but I still have minor issues. I'll get there. Glory to Jesus christ.
I am sorry for All you have Suffered ( this from a non toxic but God Fearing Mother ❤) I am So Thankful you found Wise Council from your Dad, I Strongly believe these Truly Toxic people only go after those who have Special Callings on their Lives ❤❤ So I Wish you Much Love on this Side where God alone can use All that Strength you gained for his Glory !
I am glad I am hearing this. I had NO IDEA. My oldest son left, got married and now is about to have two children. He’s 21 years old and a welder in the Union. I am very proud of him. I would be so crushed when he would want to be with his wife and family and not us. I truly thought that a healthy family got together for holidays, birthdays, ect…. I did not grow up in a healthy family. This really helps me to see that my son HAS to cleave to his wife. I love my daughter in law and she deserves this from my son. It’s such a grieving process! I didn’t realize that I was getting in the way of my son honoring God and following His commands. 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️ I love my son, daughter in law, and granddaughter. Lord forgive me for I didn’t know what I was doing! 🤦🏽♀️
How revelational of you to feel this!!! You have a lot of emotional maturity to realize this plus to immediately agree to honor this. God bless you ❤You’re going to be an even better mother in law!!
The silent killer of relationships is unresolved childhood trauma. It keeps the person stuck in a childlike state with the person projecting their childhood wound onto intimate partners first through idealization and then they discard them in an attempt to do what they never did with their parents, separate. This trauma happens when a child's emotional needs are neglected. They go unseen and their fight/flight is stuck in the on state. Anxiety is the result and the child internalizes the abuse as something they did/are. It becomes shame. Prolonged periods in this survival state means the person does not know how to regulate their nervous system because they never felt safe. As a result this will lead to codependency / narcissism as coping mechanisms. In which people attempt to modulate their emotions through validation or adulation. The core problem being the same, external sources of regulation. I believe the biblical examples of these are the woman at the well and the pharisees. Both sought to be made whole through external means. The woman through validation by men, the pharisees through the adulation of men via false piety. At the end of the day what this tells us is that the parental relationship wires the mind for better or worse. While we're all broken in some way, when we come to Christ we find that we serve a good father and are 'transformed through the renewing of the mind'. Just as we are born again we are wired again too.
I’m Protestant. Husband was Catholic. I was required to travel 1,000 miles to spend EVERY Christmas with my in-laws but his mother HATED me because my faith didn’t fit in. This went on every year for 22 years. I dreaded every Christmas but he wouldn’t consider NOT being there (she was emotional, overbearing, and Christmas belonged to HER). She passed in 2018. I wish I could say I miss her. The good news? My husband announced to his family that he was now Protestant the day after her funeral Mass. I was shocked and had no idea he was going to do that. He was finally free, too. We’ve been together 30 years and life has gotten so much better.
Speak the truth, Bro. These controlling, especially Christian families, need their eyes open and allow the Lord to help correct & heal the disfunction. If not, everyone suffers, one way or another. Especially if the disfunction has been decaying the family for multiple generations. With the Lord, all things are possible.
I actually hate my dad and I'm 28. You don't even realise how damaging a bad dad is. I reckon I'll be dealing with the bs he left me with for the rest of my life. Ruined my success with career, finances, health, relationships....he literally never put any masculine foundations in for me. Only learned what real masculine love is and what a father was meant to be when I joined a boxing club years too late at 26....wish I had a real mentor like that as a kid....I really needed it.
@tubbyrainbow111 Hey man I never reply to comments but I feel you. I had the same feeling 3 years ago and today I'm still in the process of differenciating mysel from my extended family, especially my bad. A few things that helped me: Watch Jordan Peterson videos (he has a lot of good advice for how a man should be), read the bible (Gospels + 3 books of wisdom proverbs, Job & Ecclesiates) The word of God is the best resource to understand how to behave as a true man and man of God. Jordan Peterson take the same principles from the Bible but explains it in our today's world. Last thing, remove that limiting belief that you will be dealing with his bs for the rest of your life. You are the only one in control of yourself. Nothing is stopping you to unlearn the bad habits and values to learn the Godly ones. Stay strong brother
Please overcome that hate you have for your father..i kno its hard..but everybody falls short, even you..he prolly has some strongholds/struggles he may be going thru..show some grace..just keep praying for you and your father🙏🏻
He's simply amazing. He puts everything in such a way that it's educational, relatable and true for men in a way most people can't. God has his hand on him, Thank you pastor Mark
I’ve been a Single Mom since 2000 (4 children, now adults) from Massachusetts. I love these teachings because they help Men become true Men of God and addresses REAL issues with practical, Biblically-based direction and Godly Counsel. I WISH these were available when my own sons were growing up. Passing it on for others. 🔁 Keep it coming! 👍👏🔥
I am looking forward to this mini series. I have been married for 14 years, my husband and I both have toxic families. I have written part of mine off and seperated from them. His are very much so in our lives still. And they are horribly toxic. God puts us into hard situations to help us grow. Looking forward to these words of wisdom.
I am so very grateful for your straightforward nonsense delivery with spicy BBQ sauce! Thank you for talking about this issue. Most of us just suffer through it yearly.
We had big events that happened with both sides of our extended families. Ever since then we were the ones that moved far away & went almost entirely no contact. The only reason I still talk to my parents occasionally is because I have a much younger brother & I want a relationship with him. Other than that my parents have repeatedly not changed their behaviors & keep me stuck in a controlling/toxic cycle. This series is going to be a good one! It's comforting to hear that cleaving was the right thing to do.
We love you our dear sister in Christ. Please do not give up and I pray you will be able to pray in Christ Jesus name around your dinner table with your Earthly family one day.
“And let your instruction be sound and fit and wise and wholesome, vigorous and irrefutable and above censure, so that the opponent may be put to shame, finding nothing discrediting or evil to say about us.” Titus 2:8 AMPC
Your messages are so relavantly needed! You are nailing so many of these topics! I think you are hitting biblical grandslams! Keep it up! Thank you for sharing. I’m glad I’m not alone in these issues. My wife and I have come to this realization about 6 years into our marriage, my parents however do not grasp this concept. Again, thank you for this message
Thank you so so much! As a Young Man stuck as an emotional caregiver to my parents. I finally feel seen especially with the last part, now it makes sense why it’s been nearly impossible to differentiate and launch. Trusting The Lord to make a way!
Just remember that the Lord can make a way, but he will not walk the path for you. You may have to say or do things that are very hard and totally contrary to all your learned patterns to get out of this place of being stuck. He can give you the strength to carry it out only if you choose to act in faith. The first step will be to meditate, reflect, pray, and think (the last two are essentially the same thing). Determine where you are and where you are aiming to go, and you'll be able to discern the actions and changes needed to get there. And He typically only illuminates the path for you a step or two at a time. Best wishes and blessings in your journey. May you be covered in the dust of your master.
Thank you Pastor..the first person who has fully explained the experience I have endured over last few years with a wonderful man who could not see it & complied ..I went along for a while but my free spirit could not accept the underlying sense of control ..I hoped he would honour me & allow us to live our lives together in joy ..nope..his Mum & Sister who I actually did have a fondness for ..whilst having awareness of how they wanted to control his decisions ..we sadly parted but I see clearly how it would have been for me as an independent woman with self worth intact x I do miss him though & hope he makes sense of it for himself in future ❣️if title was how real men and women deal with toxic family I would share it with him ..maybe open up his future
So good! So needed. Holy Spirit direct our paths to bring glory and honor to You. May our children be blessed through You in us. Thank you, Pastor Mark. ✨️
Wish I would have heard this in 1974, would have saved my first marriage that ended in divorce in 2015, we both carried a lot of dysfunctional stuff into it and the wounds only festered over time and couldn’t overcome them. Pastors need to preach this truth as it would straighten out many marriages before it is too late.
WHAT IT MEANS TO BE TOXIC? TOXIC: containing or being poisonous material especially when capable of causing death or serious debilitation. (Merriam-Webster) So, a toxic person is someone who is poisonous and who poison others. In the Word of God, bitter is a poison… “Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” (Hebrews 12:14-15 NIV) BITTERNESS: marked by cynicism and rancor. (Merriam-Webster) Every attitude that is motivated by bitterness is a poison.
Would like to hear your take on family dynamics culturally… Western ways are very different than other cultures. As an Asian family I’m learning to find balance in these dynamics… Thank you!
I completely understand what you mean by this... such as in Asian and Indian or Hispanic cultures they expect the sons to provide for the parents financially and emotionally for the rest of their lives!! It's completely different then western biblical truths.
True Christianity opposes all cultures. This is one of the biggest issues I've noticed with every ethnic Christian group. We don't take our culture to the Bible. We get our culture from the bible. If your current culture is contrary, it must be laid down.
THIS! It’s also so tough with different cultures and expectations. I am a 25 year old female, I am from Mexico and culturally (it’s not just the norm, it’s almost expected, very conservative , misogynistic culture) the women do not move out of the parents house until they get married. So because of that belief, and because I work for the family business, my dad feels he can control me through my finances. I live at home, don’t pay bills, get pretty much everything handed on a silver platter. And while I obviously am aware of the immense privilege I have, it is so hard to not be seen as an ACTUAL adult and not be able to make my own decisions about my life. Me and my boyfriend are planning on getting engaged soon, so hopefully that will get better, but it sucks that in order to be seen as an actual adult in my home, you pretty much have to get married. And even then, dad still feels very entitled to my married sibling’s life because we all work in my dad’s company. While I do work, I still don’t have financial independence and it sucks that family still feels entitled to my life and my decisions!
Sister, I am PRAYING for you. That must be hard. My parents are African. It has taken me 12 years to realize that I should have left and prayed for them. I believe not cutting them off hindered their salvation. I’m being obedient now.
I hope that you aren’t marrying him to get out - please ask God for help! You might end up having issues with your new spouses family. That is how the enemy works!!
My sister in law tried to tell me the day I married her brother...I married the whole family... Yeah I literally felt sick to my stomach cause I was already trying to get out of my own family of origin system...
I am a woman that wants my man to be better/healthy and wants the men to be better/healthy for their wife and children for a healthy marriage and life Ive been praying for a long time for healthy boundaries with toxic family members it's not always wanted on both sides and applied to each life that needs it
When I married my husband, I married his family too. We provided for them and it felt like we are an debit card when they need money they need it now. Otherwise they will make you feel guilty. And throughout our marriage when my husband and me fight/argue it’s always about his family.
My oldest son got married to an abusive narcissist; as soon as the ring was on her finger, she announced she was in charge of him. He was no longer allowed to see any of his family. Only her family was now his. She said he no longer has a mother. Her stepmom is now taking my place. Everyone in the family was cussed out. It was borderline threatening. His grandmothers were told to f off and one of them has been dead for 10 years. That was my mom. His wife got on the phone pretended to be him and sent the most disgusting messages. Could you do a sermon about the sons and daughter-in-laws who are so evil and toxic? My other son and his girlfriend are the complete opposite. They've been together a long time. I always work around their schedule and many times I've had the holidays after the holidays.
This is EXACTLY WHAT IM GOING THROUGH!!! IT IS EITHER MY DAUGHTER IN LAW'S WAY OR THE HIGHWAY AND TONIGHT I HAVE BEEN THREATENED 3 TIMES THAT IF I DONT FALL IN LINE I WILL LOSE MY SON AND GRANKIDS
Your daughter in law sounds incredibly toxic and narcissistic. The only thing you can do is to be there for him whenever he reaches out. Just listen if and when he shares any information with you. I was your son and married a very similar copy of your daughter in law. I married her bc she was familiar to me bc she was a female copy of my narcissistic dad. I'm not saying this is why he chose her or that your husband is a narc. What I'm saying is learn with a humble heart why he chose her. It sounds like your fanily may be a bit on the enmeshed side of things bc there's an implied "we" tone to your comment. Is your family good with him differentiating towards his own family first above all else? I'm in no way saying her behavior is healthy but are you...momma bear...ok with him and his wife spending holidays together primarily with each other first, and then making plans to see the extended family (you and your husband) on a different day i.e. after or b4 the holiday if they so chose? Please listen to Mark's sermon here bc he covered this all. Be open to learn your families dynamic and learn more healthy ways to interact with fanily. Like I said...first you have to accept that you need to separate and un emesh from your son. She might be batshit crazy but you have to respect his decision but also let him know you care. Never get mad at him bc hes likely being controlled by a batshit crazy wife. What helped me open my eyes to my wifes crazy was my sister would occasionally state observations of my wife's shitty character to me but versed in a casual question. And she wouldnt do it excessively...just one question casually here and there. Like one question every so often when her crazy behavior was obvious to everyone on the family who saw it.. I would then subsequently pick up on these same behaviors of my psychowife on my own, which opened my eyes that she was in fact pretty evil. My awareness slowly unfolded and I woke up. Questions such as..."I wonder why ____ is so disrespectful to you?", " ____ talks down to you an awful lot". Only do this observational questioning to him about how she treats him bc anything else will cause him to defend her at first. If he calls to vent about her just listen and reflect on what's said..no judgement bc he will still defend her until hes fully awake to her evil. The most important thing is to always be loving towards him bc I'm gonna bet she's got a hold on him with what's called a trauma bond where he's addicted to the highs and lows of her abusive jezebelean treatment. She's very likely infected with a Jezebel demon. He needs to start setting boundaries with her. This will eventually happen if you all casually point out the direct here and there question then drop the subject. I call it drip feeding him a slow wakeup call to lift the fog of his wifes evil abuse. Overall, He needs to reclaim his dominion of husband and father of his family under God. He can't do that if shes acting like a controlling jezebelean demon wife. And I'm gonna bet she will never change if she's as evil as you say..of which I do believe you, bc my wife was so similar and so very evil. Above all else pray for him daily. God bless you all...
_As an aged believer in Christ and the mother of 3 grown sons, I would encouragement you to take some time & visit or revisit doing a personal inventory of yourself. I learned decades ago that by doing so, I discovered on several occasions that I was the problem in a broken relationship. When we are confident of the proper Godly parenting of our sons, upon their choices in adulthood, we release them (w/prayer) to go & grow...wholeheartedly. Moreover, with marriage as when he is forced to choose his wife or his mother, he would be wise to choose his wife...every time. If she is truly the problem, trust him to fix it. And encourage him through it. Lifting you up in prayer. Maranatha_
The father that is always on the verge of exploding and over emotional mother. These are my in laws. Our first year with our baby has been al hard. Health issues with the baby no sleep etc. constantly dealing with the passive aggressive comments like “we never get to see the Baby” meanwhile they moved 2 hours away. My husband confronted my MIL about her passive aggressive comments. The comments are so stressful for us. Immediate water works from her and my father in law went nuts on my husband because his moms way out of conflict is crying. We struggle so hard with the “honor your mother and father” because they throw this around whenever they are confronted about the things they say and do. HELP
This is a complex issue that is difficult to address on this platform. I would encourage you to seek guidance from a trusted bible based source. Mark has free resources help you respond to narcissistic family members that helped our family tremendously. God bless you and your precious child.
Matthew 13:18-23 18 Hear ye therefore the parable of the sower. 19 When any one heareth the word of the kingdom, and understandeth it not, then cometh the wicked one, and catcheth away that which was sown in his heart. This is he which received seed by the way side. 20 But he that received the seed into stony places, the same is he that heareth the word, and anon with joy receiveth it; 21 Yet hath he not root in himself, but dureth for a while: for when tribulation or persecution ariseth because of the word, by and by he is offended. 22 He also that received seed among the thorns is he that heareth the word; and the care of this world, and the deceitfulness of riches, choke the word, and he becometh unfruitful. 23 But he that received seed into the good ground is he that heareth the word, and understandeth it; which also beareth fruit, and bringeth forth, some an hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty
My in laws are very toxic especially the mom she is very controlling and wants us to take her advice which the advice she gives isn’t so good she tells me that my husband her son is gonna cheat on me and leave me and she then goes to him and tells him to leave me cause I’m not worth it so it’s this back and forth and we are currently trying to move out to cut them out of our life for good she has done this to his previous relationships and they all leave but I don’t wanna let her win I actually love my husband and wanna be with him
Thank you for video, very confirming. However, I don’t understand why one would think having jealousy is Godly. Jealousy comes from insecurity-fear, and not feeling in control. One can feel jealous, but if you have self control, discipline and love, you let go of the fear and insecurity that causes jealousy. Why does religion attempt to gaslight and equate jealousy as a byproduct of love and not fear. Is the Abrahamic God insecure, are we to provide Him with validation, that’s our responsibility, not something He sources from Himself?
God's jealousy towards us, His creation is not in any means the same as mankind experiences. We are jealous out of fear and insecurities. God's jealousy is from a loving and protective point of view. Because we're fallen humans we will never fully know or comprehend love nor the love of God.
I don't even know what to say I get so bitter and irritated with my mother-in-law I know I'm not supposed to be that way it's very frustrating I cannot stand when people are stepping on my toes feeling like they are trying to take the role as the man in my home when it comes to me and my family my children my wife it's very frustrating and it sure seems like it's done on purpose it's very frustrating I love not being around my mother-in-law I know that sounds horrible but I truly cannot stand her and that's something I really got to work on she has truly rubbed me the wrong way throughout the years hoping the Lord will be merciful towards me because I do not know how to let go of this anger
@@MsBellsandy I'm not so sure about that it's amazing to me I have children I am married and sometimes it seems like I am married to three different women even though they don't live underneath my roof trying to give us advice it makes little slick comments that is none of their business it's like my mother-in-law Whispers into my wife's ear when I'm not around it makes comments I feel like she's intentionally trying to cause friction in my house and it's very frustrating
Revelation "I know your works, tribulation and poverty(but you are rich): and I know the blasphemy of those who say they are Jews and are not, but are a synagogue of Satan."
My husband is the toxic one. I endure (along with our children) emotional abuse. Our entire system is broken because of it, no biblical value and I have stayed for 19 years praying for God to heal my husband and now my children are grown and guess what? Their system is broken 😢. I’ve tried being the biblical leader and confront my husbands behavior and I get stonewalled and gaslit every single time. Same argument every time because he don’t know how to have a healthy conversation. I need to know God will honor my separation from my husband.
My religious family cut me off many years ago. They are rich in spirit and deny Christ as Savior. Matt 23 is for the rich in spirit...eye of camel. Suicide note from my mom...and my brother raped my sister they deny...I bind and am a witness of their lies...remember lone-voice-in-wilderness John the Baptist got his head chopped off for calling for repentance! My dad and sister has tried to get my wife to divorce me. Jesus says enemies will be of yer own household...yet promises he will prepare a table before them... I have been crucified with Christ in rejection from blood family...I leap for joy! He who rejects me rejects Jesus and Our Father... I obey and "Let them alone!" Lots of fake Christians that know a Jesus I do not and not in the book... Beware of the children of the lie and be wise as serpent innocent as doves... Paul was let down in a basket... Unless you repent you will all likewise perish.
What does a Mother do when her children claim she is toxic because I stand up for my beliefs. I have a strong personality and admit their childhood wasn’t all roses. But they will not accept any apology by me or any responsibility either. My son is demonic, scary demonic, he has had multiple head injuries in his life and will not seek treatment. God has promised me he would be a mighty man of God but I’m thinking it may be god with a little g and that at 44 he is not any closer than he was at 15. I don’t ever want to give up on him being saved and delivered. He gave up on me years ago and has no contact with any family except one sister. She took the Mother roll in his life when they lived with their Dad in teen years. I would say the relationship is toxic throughout my 3 grown children, BUT GOD MADE ME MOM AND THEY ARE FLESH OF MY FLESH. How do I heal the wounds?
After you take accountability for your actions, change your habits 😉 it's hard to get close to a parent who's willing to bash you publicly and denigrate your character to others. Gossiping, and over sharing private details about your child will eliminate any trust towards you. If you were prone to comparing your kids to others! Stop! And learn how to see them as their own person. They are an individual and not an extension of you. They have full autonomy and are unique in God's eye. Yes, your children came from your flesh but it was only by God's doing and your body is the vehicle that the Lord chose. My point is that you don't own your kids and they are not obligated to engage if you are nurturing the relationship. Guilt tripping; most Narcissistic parents love to take you around the world for free on a guilt trip. Please know that just because you can do something..... doesn't mean that you should! If you are prone to using guilt as a means of control or emotional outburst, just Stop 🛑 we all have to learn to accept being told no and or not receiving a desired outcome, it's called learning about boundaries and acceptance. Control only leaves with burnt bridges and alone. Work through your own emotions and improving your method of communicating with your kids and I guarantee that you will see better results. When you have healthy relationships people love to see you come and hate to see you go but chances are that if people hate to see you come and love to see you go, it's because you are being toxic.
And lastly, as children of God, we are more than able to stand up for our beliefs without being unbecoming because our aim should always be love. The chapter in Corinthians is a great passage to meditate on in order to dive deeper in the truth of love 💕
Pastor Driscoll, if I may make one suggestion, your sermons are excellent, but in this day and age of trying to get ears and eyes on your subject matter, having a long intro of music and outro is not effective. although I listen to your entire hour-long sermon, because the subject matter is very important and interesting, I will say that me, being someone who comes from a background of very heavy and hard music and hard rock as well as all types of music, the synthesized music that you have at the beginning and the end is truly obnoxious. And that is coming from someone who likes very aggressive powerful music. It just doesn't fit with the subject matter and with serious issues like the Bible. Love your sermons though and keep up the great work. Also, the young people at the beginning speaking about whatever they are speaking about, does not interest me and I don't think it interests a lot of your online audience. We really just want to hear your sermons and not all that intro stuff. It might be important to your church, but it just doesn't really work. People have very busy lives and don't need a bunch of fluff at the beginning in the end. They need just the meat and potatoes of the presentation or sermon. Thanks again for your great biblically based sermons.
I agree with this deeply! for lack of better words it cheapens the experience of the message you are trying to convey. not necessarily the message itself but the overall encounter as a whole.
Is it possible for you to just get to church a little later after the music, or maybe if you're watching the video, to fast forward. I fast forward right through the beginning right to the "meat and potatoes". I feel the same way as you, except I would just adjust by coming later or fast forwarding.
My husband and I have both been church hurt. Pastors that clearly worship $ over God. I volunteered in children’s ministry, came in on my days off (emergency nursing) to clean toilets and assisted with church events. Meanwhile, our pastor hired his entire family to work at the church. They openly bragged about purchasing the latest technology for themselves, posted pics on social media of their multiple trips to expensive destinations (Disney, Hawaii, etc) and touted pricey labels on their clothing. When many in your congregation are wondering how they are going to pay for Thanksgiving dinner, bragging about your trip to Hawaii seems a little insensitive. Sadly I was just beginning to believe you were the real thing. Church hurt continues….
