How The Fearful Avoidant Reacts To Breakups (& How To Win Them Back!) | Fearful Avoidant Attachment 

There will be someone that loves the storm and your precious being, who understands your dynamic is turned on by it. Don't give up hope for a meaningful relationship. Your crazy and theirs will meet and it'll be awesome and stable despite the tumultuous nature of it all! Good luck 💓✨

Miklós Platthy thanks ! I hope so

@@baronhippolytussk Uh... no. You’re encouraging toxicity. FA need therapy. Not someone to “accept” the highs and lows aka putting proper through hot and cold, push and pull, triggers of abandonment. That’s not fair to anyone. They need to be accountable for how they treat people.

@@FM-zg5hz healing is relational. If someone has complex trauma, perhaps childhood PTSD, it may not be probable to alter underlying trauma and disorganised attachment with therapy alone. If there is someone with secure attachment in that person's life, that is able to truly understand and accept the journey of coming to secure attachment through dedication, service and sensuality then, from my experience, it is transformative and so beneficial. In no way am I suggesting a lack of accountability, quite the opposite.

@@baronhippolytussk Well put!

i know what that's like. best of luck.

Yeah but be 10 minutes late from work or have a female talk to you and that spiteful anxious side will come out. They suck

@@mathews0618 Iv been there mate. I went to the store to pick something up but instead of me being 10 mins I was 40 mins because I bumped into an old mate I had not seen for about 10 years. I got back and wth I said I bumped into an old mate to hear back how do I know that. My reply because I just said lol. It was a nightmare it felt as if I needed a clock card. I phoned you at work and they said your not there each time I called them. I was moved to a different factory for the day you know my jobs means Im sent to different factorys from time to time. How do I know that. Because I told you and its wrote on my work contract lol. A total nightmare.

michael keeble yep! In their mind there is no other possibility. It goes straight to worst case scenario. And even if there is proof, they still believe their version because in their mind they have to be rejected. They have zero worth. Its sad for sure and i dont mean to shame them. But i dont have to date them either

A fearful avoidant sounds like a fragile narcissists to me. I had the same issue as you and omg did it suck and mess my head up. A simple thing turned out to be a nightmare as the avoidence kicked in. Since when has ignoring an issue made it better. The silent treatment messed my head up. It was not a case of look at why she was giving me the silent treatment but focus on my reaction to it. To this day I have NO idea why the realshionship ended apart from im the bad guy because I hated being ignored. 9 year and married and NO idea wth was the brake up about. I cant see me ever having another relationship with anyone as 2 years after my brake up my head is still messed up over it. I swear someone from her past must have really done a number on her and messed her head up and I payed the price for it as I did nothing wrong that I know of or maybe she just wanted to brake up but did not want to say it but push me away. Women lol Never say what they mean or what just act strange and were meant to work them out and hope we do not go insane trying. Basically I was ignored out of my marriage and somehow im the bad guy lol and to top it I got no mental closure from the relationship. So much for my white male privilege lol I would love to know her reason for the brake up im guessing somehow it was my fault.

That’s not how it works. When you’re single, you have no true attachments. Your insecurities come to the surface as soon as you have a deep relationship and connection. You’re anxious and have healing to do

I've been in the same boat, I became more anxious bc I cared so much about this person and their avoidant behaviours made me less secure. People who think they can't be knocked off their security are silly

I also got moments of being anxious because of the fear of my ex bf feeling insecure.

Thank u

Thank you 🙏🏼

Thanks

Thank you!

Ta!

Uuu

Thank you so much!!

@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool My Fearful Avoidant Ex who just moved out has been made aware of her attachment style and she just left 3 days ago. We were married for just under 3 years and as usual her leaving came out of the blue.... She wants to talk everyday and be "friends" only still. How do I try to reconcile things when we are still in contact vs giving her no contact space for a few weeks?

​@@noahynclan7929 Do no contact. No speaking

Spot on

Yup! It can be headache inducing loving them so much lol just know if you love them it is going to be all about them and they’re perspective only. It’s a lot of work but if you love them it’s worth it.

I'm FA, mostly secure at this point but we love deep conversations and vulnerability. Unless your partner feels betrayed, then they'll withdraw really hard. Thais did videos on what FA needs to rebuild trust which are spot on. Are you sure your partner isn't a DA?

What you wrote feels exactly like my last relationship and the worst part is that as the anxious preoccupied partner, I end up taking up all the blame and agreeing to what my FA partner says because I’m desperate to save the relationship when he wouldn’t even try. He thinks that by doing things for me that that should reduce our frequent miscommunications but THAT is exactly the issue.

@@ToraydoBull just remember this attachment style is based on trauma and any form if ptsd they might have. They’re suffering from different levels of mental illness so it’s important to almost be a psychologist coming into one of these relationships. Most of the time it’s gonna be walking on eggshells so communication and getting educated on mental health will be important. The most important thing not to do is actually point out their behavior if they ever deactivate, because it’s part of a coping mechanism that they have to protect themselves to not feel pain it’s a remnant of a trauma response that they used to cope with their original trauma and it can be intense and the words that they use to push you away can be quite sharp. Don’t make them feel like it’s an actual problem with their character because it’s really not. It’s complicated. But if you do that you’ll end up being bad for their mental health. There’s no actual wining sometimes unless they themselves & you make efforts in learning and changing. Asking what their needs & boundaries are and being extremely patient. There is no cure for ptsd there’s only managing the symptoms. It’s too late for me but I still like learning and growing as a person so I still watch these videos.

Heal yourselves together

That's great and I can relate. I tend to proritize relationships too, and I have loved my ex deeply but she has discarded and for no good reason. We have been on and off for 2 years, but now she said she's leaving forever. Believe it or not we had 0 fights and were always intimate. But I think she avoidant and the distance between us kind of made her breakup with me before. This time she said it will be forever. she hurted me a lot. And I want to be happy despite of her discard. I want to be happy being alone.

​​@@Ahicksaf my friend first one should learn how to be happy alone and then share that happiness with others, I was dating FA girl for 8 months, total of 4 breakups in that timeframe, as soon as we got close she started to push me back, now we broke up kinda hard I took all presents I gave her and went on my way without saying much, she was messed up smoking 2 packs a day and couldnt have sex without getting shitfaced drunk, I would not recommend anyone to date FA as much as I love her I need distance from such people, they dont deserve anything goos till they heal themselves or at las acknowledge their behavior and apologise. I have Secure attachment and even for me its confusing af

At point 3 l believed her and left

@@batmikipig I'm sorry for asking in this manner, but were you the avoidant partner that broke up the relationship and left when your ex got to step 3? Or you left this video presentation?

they will try and push you away as in break up or aggravate you??

When you push them with love and support they get mad lol and can be very triggered so idk how to do this .

Okay guys all I’m saying is this is a bit much for a relationship right! I think it’s better to just move on a focus on yourself and a more secure person, a relationship should not be like this!!

Sending much compassion & healing energy your way

💜

i will say i am happy to see FAs like you. Sending the best your way, best advice ive heard join Thais' program PDS. and also, speak your feelings as hard as i may be, and practice doing the opposite of what you would normally do. Dont run and try not to say cruel things, dont block, if you need a break take one, 20 minutes to an hour. But come back, speak, if you feel a trigger, tell your partner what you felt in the moment. Please coming from the partner of an Fa, i stood up months crying of what hes said and how he switched. i missed hime everyday, i hurt less and less but if i can help those who suffered the same, i will. I am so happy you are aware, thats a huge step in the right direction. Best of luck and sending love peace and security to your partner.

From the other side, I feel conflict. I love my FA and miss them, I still want to be with them in the future if possible. But I also feel free of all the mindreading, they don't express their deep needs and emotions and also don't believe what I say.

Well done for taking control of your life, I hope it’s going well! I would really recommend an attachment therapist to help you whilst you are with your partner so they can support

I’ve just gone through the same thing. Then I found his Tinder account. So glad I found out now instead of later.

@@CandyQuackenbush911 hang in there! Pray and meditate!!

Suzy W i think this is still anxious style because avoidants experience the need for space, as if they are suffocated with the relationship, which is the opposite of what you are describing as a fear of being abandoned. Avoidants are repelled by neediness or dependance, even if it’s a normal kind of attachment in a relationship. My avoidant ex thought I was being needy for asking for a kiss when we met after a few days... Fearful avoidants want to have you not too close and not too far...

Same.

@@annaec1822 fearfuls are a combo of anxious attachment and dismissive avoidants. Half and half.

This is me to a tee. It’s so hard dealing with this attachment style. I tend to get really upset with myself over it

I feel your pain and frustrations because I’m exactly the same :(

My ex got depressed a week before our breakup. Was she deactivating or actually trying to push me away?

Oh my goodness. You are literally the person I would love to sit down and speak to! I’m dealing with someone who I feel is a fearful avoidant! I freaked out because I have anxious attachment based on childhood trauma. I don’t over react or ask to see them all the time or smother... but when this person needs space or at least that’s what I think they need when I don’t hear from them for a few days - I feel fear and it tells me they’re not there for me.

@@oeu3669 you've got to express that need in a way that encourages open discussion and encourage them to do the same too. It can work but it requires a great deal of patience from both parties

Hey I've been looking for someone I could get some insight from, would you be open to chatting somewhere else? I am an AP with a FA and I'm not sure what to do or what the reality is through her eyes.

@@oeu3669 1

@@oeu3669 aa

How long did it take you to start feeling things? How did things turn out?

3 days? How is that possible?? :(

felt something similar recently and it really does hurt so much

@@stargazerxAM sorry to hear that. It’s absolutely soul crushing :(

You got with her a month after she broke up with her ex, and now she is with someone a month after breaking up with you? I know its painful but its not exactly a surprise it's a pattern

Test1 \test2 u need to make ur dismissive side active. Now ur anxious side has been triggered. DA is just toxic AF. U need to move on from this person completely

@@junelee5975 YES!

Agree.

4 yrs too long

stubborn is for sure

I am also secure and turned anxious and at times dismissive in the relationship. Their attachment style brings out unhealthy habits in us. Starting to think more and more that they’re just not worth all the trouble. Better off to be with someone who is secure and encourages you to also be secure instead of questioning every little thing you do and push/pull.

If you really love her.. I would suggest maybe communicating to her about attachment styles.. So that they are aware of it.. I think some truly don't know.. And their heart and mind battle against each other and they don't know what to make of it. Obviously it's hard to do that if you don't want them anymore.. But if real love is there.. It will help them to let know so they aren't continuing the cycle of hurting themselves and others... Just plant the seed.. Imo anyway.

I am a DA Who thanks to past relationships was starting to lean secure, my ex was a FA, the end of the relationship was a really low blow, she ended the relationship over nothing, we where doing great. Good thing is that i have learned so much about attachment i am really happy for the opportunity =)

I would request that too.

I'm very interested in this as well!

I think any attachment style can work with any other or the same attachment style if both parties are aware of their own attachment style and work on healing and improving their relationship.

@@lelev.5758 You’re on the money. I’m in an anxious/avoidant relationship and honestly just the awareness of our patterns and core wounds has helped us tremendously. We’re getting used to each other and also both working to become more secure.

I'm a FA, attempting to reconcile with another FA.. I found out too late what this would entail. I'm now the one doing the work and initiations. And they respond but don't engage. I know they have feelings for me and want me. Just that there fear is higher than their desire to get back with me. I did the work to heal and try to get to a trusting point with myself. And I'm still pushing through. I love this person so much. I see now what needs to be fixed and understood. Took so much guts to be vulnerable and put my feelings out there. They held back and took so long to process, that I went into deactivating and becoming dismissive. I hate this dance. But I understand him now. And see where we both could of did things differently. Now I'm trying to win him back over.. and I've been getting the most subtle feedback. I'm just hope to hit that turning point soon. This is exhausting but I have no desire to date anyone else at this time. I saw some where else that it could take up to a year I'm just like fine ok. I text them one a week for now.

Lol! Good riddance

@@traviss977 Right ?🤣Good riddance, jeez I'll never understand women

Same thing happened to me about a month ago. I was polite and communicative but was told that i was blaming her for how i felt. Its so confusing on the recieving end because it was a beautiful relationship but seemed to end so abruptly. I miss her so much

What’s d situation now? Did anything change ?

Same but worse than death because I go to therapy & feel guilty & try to understand everything fully before I move on entirely, and then once it’s over, it’s OVER.

how well does the 3-to-4-week period of no contact seem to you? talking about a five-year relationship, she's FA, i'm AP, no major issues in the relationship, just our attachment problems. i'm freaked out about where she is emotionally. i'd like to think she's too afraid to contact me, but who knows?!

❤ I feel you! But let me tell that will happen again many times. Because obviously he is not matching (you deserve someone courageous to what do what he loves, bold, mature to face his traumas)

Wow! I have the same story!

I'm sorry, sounds like emotional whiplash! :(

Very fairly said, I feel exactly the same. The change from love similar approach to enemy no. 1 is within days, freaky actually.

Yeah, I won’t lie, we can be a tough nut to crack- but know that it’s not fun for us FAs either.

@@dr.dermixgirlmd7479 Once the awareness is there for the FA, good things will come, I guess. The struggles and the volatility of the emotions are no fun, I believe you.

Its not worth it

WOw I got that yesterday, for no reason she wanted to block me, was just conversation but she felf i was being pushy, then I got she was afraid to get a text from me as if she was going to have a panic attack. weird

Hey . I’m dealing with an FA too and am in a similar situation. Cut off out of the blue. From my knowledge, fearful avoidants tend to come back if you give them space and time within 1-3 months... normally around this time they realize they were deactivating and there really was nothing detrimentally wrong with the relationship. Your distance will also trigger their anxious side after some time so play out for a bit. In the mean time though, use no contact to get yourself over the FA, so that whether she comes back or not at the end, you’ll be okay.

I’m sorry and I know this sucks but from our perspective even if you unintentionally trigger our core wounds it literally feels like a knife in the heart and once we feel that abandonment again it’s all over for us because we feel we can’t trust you. This is at least from my experience and I can’t say this was exactly what happened in your situation.Could’ve been multiple factors to the breakup not just an attachment style perspective.

@@xhen12 get help

Any updates, I’m glad I found this a week after our bust-up. She pulled away a few weeks before I went wedding ring shopping, what a disaster.

@@xhen12 yes but the reality is there was never a knife, just miscommunications and misunderstandings. you need to keep yourself accountable and your triggers in check, that isn’t your partner’s responsibility

Well thats manipulative.. and why wouldnt you initiate returning if its something you want,?.. That makes zero sense

I'm sorry. I know what you mean about unreachable. They build an impenetrable wall between you and communicate with you behind it. You hardly ever see any love from them shine through it. And if you do, then they shut it down when you show interest. It's sad. Hope you and your son are doing ok

LiSaia this sounds like a painful place for you to be in, cutting everyone off. What are you don’t to heal and mend your heart? You recognize that isolation isn’t healthy. Did these people really “hurt” you? By not expressing what’s going on inside your heart and mind, you’re more likely to inflict pain on those that do deeply care for you.

Are you in touch again? My ex is now in what you describe

I’m also curious as to how your situation panned out for you. I’m in a similar situation myself.

It my FA girlfriend around 6 months to properly get back to me I too really care for her

@@runlindsayrun you'll need to no contact till he properly starts getting back to you, there are phases in that..

@@rohitisalwayspositiv can you give me advice on getting my FA ex back. Did you just use do no contact? For how long? Did you reach out at all, what did you say that worked? How is it going now for you two?

@@bellwetherone5739 There are a couple of things involved. One of the most important aspects that we need to consider is that whether she had gone beyond the honeymoon phase, fearful avoidants generally like to stay in the honeymoon phase in which the couple is physically attracted to each other and fantasizing about all the niceties of the dreamy future. In the honeymoon phase the couple actually doesn't know about each other actually so much.. After the honeymoon phase when the physical attraction starts become normal it is then when the FA is triggered and tries to pull away because the FA senses that in her/his partner.. So now the best thing that could be done is the no contact if you want the FA back My FA has been constantly pulling away because it's been a year since we know each other and she will have to get over that fear that FA s have.. It's not easy for the FAs but if suppose the FA slightly pulls away she would generally come back in 3-4 days when she senses that it's safe and you too are cool and composed. But if she strongly pulls away then you can consider a month, four months.. Generally the FAs come back faster when the sense that 1) He/she is not needy of her/him. 2) The FAs partner is moving on with life and doing his/her own thing ( Career/ hobbies etc ) After some time they come back to check how you are doing in your life if they really had feelings.* * Many FAs can be casual too, as casual relationships are short time fillers for their needs for closeness and they don't have to reveal much about themselves. So please be careful and aware. Take care 😊 Whatever happens is for our own good.

As an almost-without-a-doubt FA, yes.

Yes

Toxic ex*

Y Vaz for me it was helpful to feel like I was the one in control by deciding not to contact them. You can deicide to tell them if ur doing it or not. Figure out what you want from an an rl and ask if he is able to do this when he’s out of that state? We have to be practical even if it’s tragic

@@Kynamagic90 this time I have taken a different approach but not because I have been trying to find solutions but because I am tired of this. He tried to come back like nothing has happened (his usual strategy, he disappears for days or weeks and then comes back like his silence is perfectly normal) but this time I said no. I told him I am tired of it and I need some stability in my life (which is true). I can’t be with someone who keeps disappearing on me. He may think arguments are not right well, I think walking way is not right. I can tell he was taken by surprise, he was not expecting me to do that. This was not a trick, it was from the bottom of my heart, I had enough so if he wants us to stay together he needs to step up. Not holding my breath, though.

I went through the same with my ex. Horrible ups and downs, I had questions wanted to talk and he suspected it would lead to an argument so he withdrew..it was so hard. He left me hanging for days and weeks. Thats abuse..

@@katarinaj.6830 it is abusive and maybe neglect. To be in a relationship were your needs are never met or heard, is neglect for sure

@@yvaz3373 I am in this situation its been 3 weeks. This is the third strike. I love him but if he comes back I'm shutting it down. If he's not going to do the work, I don't want it. I'm a secure attachment style I don't have time

Hello! I am a fearful avoidant and me and my ex got back together after a year. I was always pretty open to reconciliation with him (during that whole year). However, I was afraid myself to approach him again and couldn’t do it for a long time. I struggled a lot internally after our break up. I went dismissive but always cared for him deeply. Unfortunately we have broken up again because the same patterns showed up. I am a pretty normal girl but once I enter a relationship I totally lose myself. I have never been volatile (like screaming etc) but I feel constantly like I cannot trust my partner, I am not good enough, he will leave me eventually, i was hypervigilant.. this created a emotional war inside me. I just want to say that if you both do not turn inwards first and try to heal yourself, that even when you do get back together, the same patterns will show up. It’s not worth going through a second break up.

How did you get a FA to marry you? Do tell!

I relate to this a lot except my moms also a FA like me but more anxious driven

I recommend you to a man who can help you manifest whoever you want to manifest within two-day ♥️♥️♥️

He was the person who helped me manifest back my ex three days ago with out delay 💯💯

Whtsaap him**

✝2 3 4 9 1 5 2 0 5 2 0 6 3......

I think you should it’s been 2 months fearful avoidants reach out after sometime

Mel Ordonez Yes, makes sense. He was probably an Dismissive Avoidant which is why your anxious side was triggered within the relationship. A DA will always make a Fearful Avoidant seem like an Anxious type within the context of that relationship.

That happens. I can relate with that too.

I can relate too.

I’m also split 33% between anxious, secure, and fearful. I feel mostly secure until someone is inconsistent with me and then I lean super hard into my anxious attachment.

same with my ex she made more things with her family, with her friends i know now why -.- now she is new on instagram and sends lots of invitations to her friends after years -.-

Chris Toole Attachment styles are not mental illnesses. A person can be cluster B and not have an avoidant attachment style, be cluster B and have an avoidant attachment style, and even have an avoidant attachment style and not be mentally ill. It’s not an either-or thing. Don’t try to armchair diagnose. People are individuals, they are not mentally ill just because they are different.

Hey I'm so sorry to hear this your relationship sounds exactly like mines I'm entering 2 months of no contact contact my ex husband, he also stopped trying and thought therapy was not for him I miss him and wish he considered our daughter when he ended things and walked away. 😢 I still hope NC will work maybe

@@melssf7451 Hi Mandy. Thanks for sharing. Since I wrote that my husband and I have gotten back together. Nine months apart helped us to both be humbled and my husband has recommitted to therapy. Sometimes being apart is enough to make them rethink their old ways and be ready to change. I will pray for you and your husband.

@@lisatilley5620 I feel teary reading your message because I am so happy for you and because you took the time to reply here, I really appreciate it. Sadly I don't think I will be having the same ending but I'm getting stronger everyday and letting go. 15 years with him so I will be patient on myself so I know everything will be okay soon Thanks again I'm so grateful to you ❤

@@melssf7451 Oh I’m so sorry to hear that Mandy. But you know, I never thought my husband and I would get back together. It was such a shock and things turned around so quickly. I’m so glad to hear you’re feeling stronger all the time!! Do you believe in prayer?

This is so relatable! I've been in this pattern with a guy who runs very hot & cold for almost 2 years. But, the reality is I've stayed in this dynamic is because it's (sadly) my comfort zone due to my own fears of commitment /intimacy. Taking ownership of our part in relationships & how we have contributed to our own suffering is the beginning of deep healing. Wishing you much healing & happiness in your journey!

@@jillian2596 Love that and totally agree. It has been a deep dive into my own shadows and go back to sense of self, my feelings and desires and self love...and letting to of the control I dont have. Easier said than done. All the best my friend