How the Unfaithful Sabotages Healing After an Affair: Shutting Down

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Today, Samuel lays out a concrete understanding on why this may be happening in your relationship, and how to not only help minimize the shutdown, but create space to connect and heal as a couple.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairrecovery.com/our-blog. He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.

Опубликовано:

20 июл 2022

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Комментарии : 60

@g-level2589 Год назад

61 months of unnecessary destruction and ripple affect, so drained,I'm done

@Hunee- Год назад

I completely understand what you’re saying. This is exactly what my spouse is doing. It’s been 3 years and he has given me limited details and refuses to talk about HIS affair. I honestly believe he’s a narc. He has no empathy and thinks that he does no wrong. He lacks any type of empathy and can never put himself in other peoples shoes. He sees life through his own vision and in his world, the only right vision is his vision. I feel the same way since I learned about the affair. And every time I look at him, I’m so disgusted. Even when we are intimate. I’m totally turned off and can’t get his affair out of my mind. I didn’t ask for any of these feelings and yet, he doesn’t understand what he has done. I question everything in our past as if every good memory was fake. I feel like he hit me with a truck and left me to pick up all the pieces…something I never asked for. Deep down, I don’t know if I want to forgive him or if I have the ability to forgive. Sometimes I think that I hold on to this anger as a way to protect myself, if that makes sense. He thinks that I should be over it since it’s been three years but the feelings are still very raw. I’m disgusted every time I look at him and the person I once was madly in love with no longer exists…he probably never existed to begin with.

@sharonovermier5989 Год назад

I can relate to your comment... You are not alone in this feeling

@lorrainem1870 Год назад

@@sharonovermier5989 do your kids know about his affair?

@sharonovermier5989 Год назад

@@lorrainem1870 our daughters are grown...40 and 38... they know some of the details- because I found out right before I was attending a family baby shower... but they don't know about the others and the years of verbal and emotional abuse. I don't know why I still want to protect him... maybe I'm protecting them from knowing all that he is capable of

@lorrainem1870 Год назад

@@sharonovermier5989 I’m so sorry for your hardship, my kids have no idea of his affair, I’m probably doing the same as you, protecting them, hugs

@avermontlife Год назад

@@sharonovermier5989 I, unfortunately, vomited all to my children, 18 and 25, and will never forgive myself for that. It is better that they not know the whole truth. It is vital that you have support though in order to get through this. We are almost at the three year mark, and still dealing with relapses into defensiveness, blame, shame, and denial, the four horsemen as it were. I have so much compassion for your pain and know it intimately.

@annatkinson2197 Год назад

Nothing changes if nothing changes!

@brittany3696 Год назад

This makes me feel better about my situation. My unfaithful answers every painful question I have. He holds me and cries with me. But I think a lot of it is that I have not passed judgement, I have not shamed him, I have approached it with empathy as best as I can. I’ve also been very clear about my disappointment and loss of respect for him. I have demanded respect and drawn clear boundaries that he has agreed with. We have long talks every night, and will continue to until I heal. Not sure if I’ll ever trust, respect, or love him the same.. but I’m trying to. I am sorry to anyone who doesn’t have answers from their unfaithful. I can’t imagine the emotional confusion spiral.

@avermontlife Год назад

Mine has done both. One day he's Dr. Jekyll, taking full responsibility for his actions, intentional, engaged. The next he's Mr. Hyde, wallowing in blame, shame, denial and defensiveness, what I call the four horsemen. It is self-protection, not holding me in my pain. I never know who I will wake up with from day to day. Sometimes I just want to get off this roller coaster. It's been almost three years.

@florencemorgan2674 Год назад

I think I have finally been pushed away, to far. We are in house separation, and we spend less and less time talking or in the same room. Yes I am still watching and sharing your videos in my Facebook group. Why you ask, because I need to heal myself, so I can live a full life.

@samshealingpodcast Год назад

I'm proud of you for healing yourself and working on you. That's vital and unless you work on you, no one else will. I'm sorry for how much pain and hurt you're in, but proud of you for not giving up on you.

@queenmother2774 Год назад

Florence..Is there Facebook group? Thanks!

@florencemorgan2674 Год назад

Look for me Flo Morgan message me I will send you the link. It's a group I made with tons of videos and free resources for both wayward and spouses

@SilverGirlAu Год назад

Nope - you lost me... the reason they shut down is shame and guilt and poor communication skills... it's not the betrayed person having a very normal response to their spouse betraying them... try harder unfaithfuls - you made the mess... it isn't the betrayed persons role to make you feel ok so you can clean it up...

@chrismarshall8855 Год назад

Just like there is a point where you have to protect yourself, there is a point where the unfaithfuls have to protect themselves. There is only so much effort one can put forth. If that effort is not good enough or enough to point you down the recovery path then the problem is not with the unfaithful. The first question I would ask you is "Are you getting help for you?" Because its not the unfaithful's responsibility for your recovery and you can't work on the relationship unless both of you have worked on yourselves.

@HonorMom Год назад

@@chrismarshall8855 well Chris how's that working for you???

@avermontlife Год назад

@@chrismarshall8855 Did your sponsor tell you that? It is about healing 'together', fighting the dragon 'together'. Study attachment biology, forget all this 'heal yourself first', 'love yourself first' nonsense. Read Sue Johnson, John Bowlby. We are wired for attachment and closeness, not going off into our own corner and 'healing ourselves'. If you can't hold your wife in the miasma of agony you've dropped her in, then she isn't going to heal at all, much less with you.

@lisadee0276 Год назад

@@HonorMom as his wife, I can tell you that what he is responsible for his choices and for doing his own recovery work on HIM. And at the same time, unfair as it is, now, because of choices they have made, we now have to get help to recover from being betrayed and emotionally devastated by our husbands. Sadly, we likely cannot rely on them to meet our emotional needs for awhile yet, at least not consistently so, because they’re probably not healthy enough and/or they don’t quite know how to show up for us yet. It’s infuriating isn’t it, when they say one thing but then their actions say the very opposite. Such incongruence between words and actions or even between words said today and words said yesterday is crazy-making, and that is why we now need help-because we are now crazy! We are emotionally unstable because of what they have done. It seems unconscionable for them to turn around and shame and judge us for how we react to TRAUMA they have caused us to experience! But, we still a have household to run, kids to look after, and other roles and responsibilities to fulfill, and we can’t fall apart. Who will pick up the pieces if we do? Unfortunately our partners may not able to do that. Plus , tbh, if we act like lunatics whenever they try to come near us, they will probably will not want to keep coming near us, even though it’s because of something they did. Fair? Heck no. But we still have to have support to get through something as life-altering as this. We just sadly cannot rely on them to give it to us when we need it the very most. It hurts like hell, doesn’t it. 💔❤️‍🩹 I feel you.

@sassyscrofa1972 4 месяца назад

Exactly, soft fluffy talk just goes in circles. 😮‍💨My view is that he broke it so he needs to fix it. 😡

@smokedawg9371 Год назад

“Why can’t you just get over it?! “ It’s been “this many days and you’re still asking questions.” Your spouse will one day stop asking and stop caring. Excellent point about seeing them as a narcissist/sociopath!

@samshealingpodcast Год назад

thanks so much

@saintejeannedarc9460 Год назад

We're months past the flooding and 4 hour struggle sessions. Your videos helped me so much as the betrayed to communicate much better, and we did talk for awhile, even though he hates it. It still doesn't happen unless I initiate. Promises of recovery work all fell to the wayside. His way of walling up is to w/hold I love you's, and he likes to take off for hours longer than he said or would normally do. Does not want to check in w/a call or text, then I'm the bad guy when I confront him. I'm depressed, so my confrontations are quietly talking about it. W/in the same week 7 hrs later, and I'm thinking there had to be an accident this time.

@stephmreal88 Год назад

Thank you for these videos. Sometimes I think I might be curious about the affair but I've come to not really care to focus on that, atleast not any deep details. I'm trying to move us forward and work on ourselves individually and as a couple. I think maybe in time some things will come out but if not I am okay to burry the relationship he held with the other woman, as long as she remains out-of the picture and he remains willing to put in hard work on himself as an individual. One of the hardest things through all of this has been keeping patience with one another.

@brightpage1020 Год назад

Thank you, Samuel. You know us so well.

@samshealingpodcast Год назад

means so much thank you

@yunokasilva6036 Год назад

95 days since his D day confession and your video was spot on. We're both self protecting and I never considered he was doing this. I am working on changing myself but go into self protection every time there's a reminder of his continued cheating.

@samshealingpodcast Год назад

proud of you for seeing it. it's vital you get help for the betrayal. i would consider harboring hope on our website

@Billyroot01 Год назад

A lot of the videos Maybe six out of the 10 things are exactly what I had been going through. This one though was 10 for 10. Solid all the way through. Once again thank you guys all the staff everybody for making these videos.

@samshealingpodcast Год назад

thank you for watching and commenting. feedback like that helps so much and encourages me so much

@myhusbandsnightmare 10 месяцев назад

I cant imagine how hard it is for this whole family. Brave man for admitting fault and getting help. Prays for you all to achieve the future you want for your family.

@lorrainem1870 Год назад

It's been 2 years for me since his affair, he's remorsefull transparent, regrets it, but he will never ever talk about it even when he see's me having a bad day, he"s says it brings back memories he doesn't want to remember, and it makes him feel bad for what he's done, so am I not to mention it? I still don"t know much about the affair just that he said its was a friend with benefits, and had no intention leaving me

@marjorieraecameron Год назад

Sad. I’m sorry.

@HonorMom Год назад

Same boat just don't know what to do with my emotions. And he is a walking zombie and won't step up.

@paulagabauer322 Год назад

I get it… I have been listening and enduring self defense for the last 2 years, and how much he misses my “happy self” whom used to take care of him and cook for him wash his clothes, always ready for intimacy, etc, etc,… what should the betrayed one should do with this manipulation? His own mom endured betrayal and even after she became a widow, never said anything but how good husband my father in law was…”my mom is a saint”. Well I am no saint then, because I want to know things and talk about them too. He is still in the mode “get over it” “forget about it” let’s do the same” I DON’T WANT TO. And he goes to therapy once and decides that it is not right for him. We’ve changed therapist 4 times, and all of them agreed he has to deal with his issues. And he says he has none. I am soooo tired now. I am the one that is working all the time now, just to not hear his manipulations. I feel loveless and death inside Samuel.

@thill6598 Год назад

I feel your pain dear

@g-level2589 Год назад

Nail on the head

@brendahuber9762 4 месяца назад

Thank you - This is helpful

@theprettydani7979 Год назад

I’m convinced my unfaithful has narcissistic tendencies. He does everything mentioned in this video. There’s still info he hasn’t disclosed . Anyone in this thread a veteran or spouse of one? We’re trying to find an expert that the VA will pay for. It’s been so confusing to get the help we need

@florencemorgan2674 Год назад

Get them to pay for ptsd treatment.

@thewatcher4552 Год назад

I am. All I can say is I have alot of baggage from my childhood that I never dealt with. Doesn't excuse my acting out, this is before my 4 combat tours so yeah its alot of weight.

@LORIL8066 Год назад

I wish I could have a one on one with you Samuel. You’re videos are always so spot on to at least our situation. My partner of 16 years has had a couple of affairs I know of and continues to have contact with the one whom he has the most feelings for. I am staying with him but he says to me he doesn’t know what he wants right now and is confused and is having a hard time not talking to her. Granted their entire RS has been online except for the Handful of times they met at a hotel to have sex. Yet he’s sabotaging a 16 year RS for this person. My life is falling apart you are such an amazing therapist I would love to have counseling with you:(

@LeNoTyCh Год назад

The last comment: "You just can't give up" hit me hard. I was ready to give up on my husband because he continuously hurts and lies to me. <a href="#" class="seekto" data-time="560">9:20</a> hit a point. Thank you for this video.

@jontranchita336 Месяц назад

Have hope. I m on almost 4 weeks after finding out about my wifes affair. Many times we need to self reflect on who we've been. I was an adshole for years. Never abusive but a verbal nightmare.

@fffitness7398 Год назад

Yes!!!!!!!!! I call self protection Mr Shame. I hate seeing that person!!!

@avermontlife Год назад

I call him Mr. Hyde. You're right, it's shame.

@azavellem5368 Год назад

Hi Sam, I have cheated on my partner and I just recently discovered this page and I have been doing everything wrong to fix my relationship with my partner, I’ve been trying to help him recover and I want to show him I’m there, today I lied about something that is dumb and and it took us backwards, I am a compulsive liar and I’m struggling to stop and right now I have no liberty to lie at all about anything, I need so much help, I need to know how to stop sabotaging myself and triggering him this way, I don’t want to hurt him anymore cause I love my partner so much and I don’t want to lose him. I really want to get help and I want to fix things before it’s too late, I really need someone that I can turn to who will assist me in helping heal and gaining my partner back and making him trust me, I am so defeated but I’ll never stop trying

@mayso5950 Год назад

What video talks about mom or dad issues for self protection

@seanroberts8884 Год назад

To what extent do you go? I hurt my spouse and I understand she's in a lot of mental anguish. Sometimes the words get harsh on her end And I find it hard to deal with especially if it's something that's not true about me. She has suffered verbal abuse from me and me being unfaithful. I get caught up in what I'm actually doing instead of understanding what I've done to her. Is the magic merely silence and kind words no matter what's being set?

@avermontlife Год назад

It is vital that you reflect her pain, no matter what she says. You don't have to agree. You just cultivate reflecting, mirroring her pain. You ask her, "Did I hear you?" Then you empathize, sincerely strive to understand how she feels. Then you take responsibility for what is true, even if that's only 10%. Seek to understand her pain, get underneath the anger. I've just saved you thousands on therapy.

@benscott6826 Год назад

Samual definitely me. I’m an unfaithful. I didn’t want to end it. Every conversation is unsafe. These episodes sound like if I stay life will be unfulfilled and depressing. These don’t appear positive

@unonumero717 7 месяцев назад

I cheated. It was a one night stand. Talked to the girl for 1-2 weeks. Had no intentions on sleeping with her. I can tell you all that I regret it. I feel awful that I broke my girls heart. I literally feel like jumping off a bridge sometimes because of it.

@brightpage1020 Год назад

This. It feels severed, valueless, and lonely. It feels alienated and rejected. It feels like a rule The Betrayed’s not allowed to break without fear of emotional punishment. When we want to be able to talk to our partner, the father of our children, about anything. This video is amazing. So right on. It’s not that Unfaithful’s so bad, just that he probably didn’t get the developemental toolbelt growing up. And now may be rejecting an opportunity to learn about it. Love that you ask if we’ve acted in a way that might bring on the bristle. Checking myself now about my reactive responses and where I’ve been selfish or entitled in reaction to this. Thanks for making this for me. Life is happening. Patterns are emerging. Time for listening and observing. I could choose my timing better on when I bring things up and how I transition into that. I could change my expectations to allow room in the conversation for his anger it’s coming up.

@samshealingpodcast Год назад

thank you for the great feedback