How to Be Certain About a Potential Partner - Esther Perel 

Expecting certainty is keeping many of us from ever giving new relationships a chance.

My advice is don't rush into anything. The problem that occurs so often is people want a fast track to commitment before they really got to know the other, then it's hard once deeper feelings develop to admit you've made a wrong choice and be able to extract yourself. Take time dating. Ask questions. Observe and don't let your desire to be coupled, blind you.

"The certainty and the need for it is like a plague these days." I notice this too! We want the comfort of knowing something like we know information from a text book. We want safe and instant gratification. Life isn't so cut and dry. The ability to relax, lean back and go with the flow takes strength and courage.

Everything you say is such a giant help to my overall mental health.

I wish alot of people will get this because it's so exhausting trying to be with someone who is hell bent on finding what's wrong with you to avoid being hurt instead of working with you to build something. Everybody has flaws, the people who want to be certain are the ones causing the unnecessary stress on relationships and ruin the flow of getting to know someone. I really find it a turn off...people don't want to date anymore they want a ready made package like two minute noodles.

We worry way too much about making the right decision instead of playing out the game and seeing what happens. It is an adventure people!

Always take your time. You really have to get to know the other person before you make any decision about becoming intimate. The surest way to not to get to know another is to have a sexual relationship with that person too soon. That 3 date rule is ridiculous. After a few dates you need to take a look at what's happening between you two. You need to remember that both of you have emotional baggage that can easily get into the way from the experience. What happens so often is that a person will try to get around their own and the other's baggage by romanticizing and fantasizing about the other and the relationship. In these fantasies it is easy to "sweep under the rug" those behaviors and attitudes that can cause problems in a big way. For example, he may drink a bit too much and because you are young and are used to it you will make excuses for that behavior by saying things like, "It's only at parties" or "He has a few when he's tired (or tense)." It is obvious that can be a problematic behavior and you need to take note of it. The thing to remember is that at the beginning of a relationship everyone is going to be on their "best" behavior. They want to be the kind of person that they think the other person wants. In reality, they are being the kind of person that they themselves want. In this behavior fantasies play a major role and we tend to see only those behaviors that fit those fantasies while disregarding all others. We would all want to have a "fairy tale" relationship but that is not realistic and it is not possible. Here's something that they don't teach you in school. Eighty percent of people who marry will marry someone who is similar to their opposite sex parent, a sibling or themselves. Familial relationships will tend to be much the same throughout generations. They may be exactly the same or they will flip over and turn it around. Look at how your father acted toward your mother and your mother acted toward your father. Your marriage may be the same or it will flip over. Then, in the next generation it will flip back to the previous generation (grand parents' behavior patterns). If you had one parent raising you then look at your siblings and yourself for whom you're looking. We all have these "search images" that we seek out for mating. These search images are made up of all of those we've been close to as friends and intimates as well as family behavior patterns, fantasies and genetics. The thing is much of this clouds our sense of reality. It is a fact that strong emotions cloud our judgement. They keep us from seeing things as they really are and we end up seeing things as we would like them to be. Before you can have a strong intimate relationship with another you need to have a strong intimate relationship with yourself. One thing that can help in this daunting task is to take a look around at the people you have around you; both those you like and those you don't like. Everyone you have around you tells you something about yourself. Look at what each of them brings to your relationship. You'll see yourself in all of them. Learn from them and enjoy them.They're your teachers. Look at what it is you like or dislike about each of them. Then look into yourself. You may be surprised at what you'll find.

You will know your person.. even if you have issues or minor human doubt.. it's more than just feelings and emotions.. it's honesty.. passion.. intimacy.. trust.. you will feel safe.. valued.. loved.. you can share spiritual moments.. they are good influencers for you and your health.. they guide you.. and so much more.. you just feel nourished.. even if you are afraid or scared from past things .. just that reassurance and also that person will be healed and took time from past experiences to heal themselves so they can be good for you.. also you can be exactly the same to them.. a really good partner brings out the best in you and you will have human moments.. and grieving and many other challenges but your partner will love you or like you through all seasons of life.. mostly you will feel emotionally and mentally safe.. best feeling in the world..

The way she sits. She’s comfortable and confident we herself.

It took me 5 years into a relationship to realize that we were not compatible. Sometimes you can know right away that a person is not for you. But sometimes, it takes a long time. And 3 years later, I still miss some things about him, and I'm sad that it didn't work out.

We are uncertain about the other person because we are uncertain about ourselves. our partners are great mirrors. the need to be certain is the need to control...usually from having deep insecurity and the inability to be vulnerable. try sitting with yourself for a few days, weeks, months...and observe...what makes you tick. be honest with yourself. can you be honest with yourself? if you can't that's a great place to start.

Simply enjoy the journey, no expectations. It'll go much smoother and you won't lose yourself...

If you are anxious, unsure, and seeking approval (commitment), you are an easy mark to be love bombed. Those who love bomb almost always have something hidden. Be strong in your mind and psyche, walk away when you are love bonded.

love this answer. It's funny how many people are uncomfortable with not knowing things. Even when we know that we feel good with a person and nothing is wrong, we still find ways to worry (what if he/she is not "the one"?). Esther is so wise. Thank you!

There's no "right" person for anybody, you have to work for a good relationship, basically anyone can be your "right" person if you both are willing to put in the work and struggle 😌

That's the problem with all these online dating sites, people are swiping left, swiping left, trying to find the perfect person. They think they have all these choices, but are eliminating all the good people, they will eventually end up old an alone waiting for something better to come along, perfection does not exist. Afraid they'll miss out on something better that might come along. Commitment phobes. Look out for obvious red flags though, unstable, emotionally unavailable, addictions, steer clear of those ones

Wow.. this blew my mind. So basically I need to relax, loosen up a bit, give it a go and see what happens. Because I will never know otherwise, if I'm waiting for certainties.

it's weirdly comforting to know this is how it is and that this is normal

For me you find someone you like but love comes from you and that person..you will treat the one you like exactly the way you treat all those people whose been with you all your life your friends and your family and so will he. If you are a very selfish person and doesn't even try to understand anyone else's but only your needs .. I don't think you will find "the one" even if you find someone who truly cares for you ..it will not last. Love comes from us.

Asking for certainity right from the start is saying you want to avoid being vulnerable and taking a risk but vulnerability is an intrinsic part of love.

Wow, what a relief hearing these words. I always thought I'm suppose to know and have many times felt guilty when having the uncertainty feelings.

Brilliant. I struggled with wanting certainty. This is well articulated.

Thank you Esther... I've slowly and painfully reached this conclusion unconsciously, but its so relieving to actually hear someone say the words! Keep up your amazing work.

Self-trust is the key to knowing which person is right for us. (brilliant video!)

Yes Maam, absolutely agree with you. There's no such thing as "the one". You will be the right person for each other if you want and will work hard on that. You need to become a team and achieve that one goal - build a great relationship.

The right Person is a Concept. The good Person is a Reality .

I really like this. You don't know if you found the perfect friend either, But you can be in the now and in your body and grounded with them, and experience the pleasure of being in their company. Are you going to be friends the next time you hang out? The next week? The next year or 2? Many people don't consider this, because they don't make it mean anything more than it is in the now. I see parallels between that and a romantic relationship. I say just let it unfold as it may, and be grateful for whatever experience that gives you, however long it is.

She's so beautiful ❤️ I hope to look half as good as her at her age.

Everyone you come in contact with is the One for you. For that time. For the relationship is contributing to your expansion and thus the evolution of life.

"Human Supermarket" Wow...Well put! Some men are addicted to the dating sites, like shopping for their favorite fix.

Yeah, I've known that Esther Perel was The Expert ever since I heard her first talk ages ago. She just never disappoints. So grateful she helps us think.

what a wise human being.

The monument she starts to reply to the question, I subscribed

love the practical answer!it's all about discovery and seeing for yourself with time!

you are literally changing my perspective on each relationship i have, I've been having some issues with uncertainty as well and not "getting" what i want from other people when they give some many great things but still disatisfied, so i am learning how to shift my perspective to a more positive and less uncomfortable one.

Simple yet so powerful advice.

2019....binging on Esther’s vlogs before I make my next move🙌🏻 Esther Perel’s wisdom never expires!

Thank you, thank you! There are no absolutes, yet we are obsessed with it.

Ms. Perel, you are a gift to this world! Thank you for pursuing your calling. I truly hope you are feeling the gratitude you deserve.

Having choice in on-line dating is such an illusion, it's so rare that there's actually somebody who's worth the attention. So many conversations start and end in not time, most men want just sex/

I beg to differ. I agree with Stephen Speaks and Dr John Gray which is varify by my experience too that the person who is the one will leave you with less and less doubt with each encounter. Especially for women, our time is so valuable. I'd say given the relationship 6 months to a year tops, if you still feel uncertain and even worse than you started, he's not the one. Wish him the best, say farewell and time to continue the search😇🥰

The phrase, "being with the right person," implies that here is only one person in the entire world who is destined to be your marital/relationship partner. Nothing could be further from the truth. There are probably tens of thousands of "the right person" for every individual on earth.

Excellent advice 💜 Love is a leap into the unknown...and nothing is ever set in stone!

You'll never know if that certain person is the one you wanna be with if you'll never gone through problems with the same person you want to certain with.

Esther, you're so beautiful...... you exude such elegance........ your hair, makeup, outfit choices, jewelry... your beautiful face...... I love it 😊 Anyway I've just recently discovered you!!! And I can't believe how all over the internet you are....... I can't believe I had never heard you speak before this week.... THANK YOU for the information you share!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's so powerful and transformative. I deeply appreciate you 💗🙏🏼😊

absolutely correct...

This is exactly what I am struggling with right now and exactly what I needed to hear.

Hello Esther, you are a very inspiring person. You make so much sense in all your videos and speeches. I think you made me realize so many things about myself and relationships that I wouldn't otherwise have known. Please keep up all this great work because you leave a very strong impact with it!

I don't think that is really what people are asking when they ask that question. I feel that they are attempting to learn how to be more discerning. They want to know how to tell someone is wrong for them after making lots of mistakes in the past. They ARE vulnerable, not trying to avoid being vulnerable.

I love you! I cannot wait to be a therapist with your level of experience and knowledge!!! You inspire me to be a better therapist! Only way is up!

The need for certainty for me is due to my ego, anxiety, insecurity and childhood traumas. Not easy.

@1:27 what a mind-blowing insight,just WOW...

You are amazing Esther! Thank you for sharing your insights. Keep sharing please. This is your gift.

Wow simple and smartest answer there ever will be. Thank you for this.

Boom. Once again, killing it, E. 100% agree with the top comments that this obsession with a guarantee is preventing us from having meaningful and educational experiences. We cannot know for certain until we know the person. If you’ve already been friends, perhaps that’s different! But starting from online dating... I wouldn’t want to “know” right away, because how could you?! You genuinely just met that stranger off the street!

Love you Esther Perel!!! 💗 you are such a blessing!!

Amazing advice. So happy to have discovered you!

Best description to describe online dating, "Human supermarket!"

This is SO on point

So good!! This woman is brilliant. Ha Ha! She just dealt with this question from the first second! So true! Why do we always put this kind of pressure on ourselves. She addressed this perfectly 💜

so important. We have to allow ourselves to be curious and ask questions, instead of thinking we have to "feel it." or just know that this is the one. Get to know them and know yourself.

This need to be certain and right everytime stems from the modern day narrative in business and other walks of life. Also, we have lost our life skills to a large extent because we receive everything ready to be consumed. This makes every the smallest uncertainty a big risk for many people.

The more important question is: how do you create uncertainty in a committed relationship, without being manipulative or inauthentic, but still being loyal and honest?

She is so beautiful! I can look at her so much time!

This was so absolutely marvelous

She is right. This is a good video. Thanks for sharing.

Thanks for the insight of exploring a potential relationship and getting to know a potential partner - without certainty - with curiosity!

Really needed this!! love it! Thank You!!

Thank you! I needed to hear that! You are great!

This see of human supermarket... thank you Esther.

And you will have all of that in the beginning of a relationship and you will think they are the one because everything is new and exciting, but when it all fades you will be left wondering again if this is the right person for you, if you made the right choice. I agree with EMSagahon in the comment below me that says, "There's no "right" person for anybody, you have to work for a good relationship, basically anyone can be your "right" person if you both are willing to put in the work and struggle".

This is beautiful.

Good video! Great content, keep up the good work! Loved watching it!

Pretty useful compassionate clear response. :) if i might comment on the question: There are better uses for the energies often invested in seeking certainty or guarentees in relationships, imo; learn to know yourself better, learn to see clearly & compassionately, & learn if the dynamic & relationship looks to be good over time. Communicate, communicate, communicate. Unpack baggage, without dumping it on anyone else. Remember to breathe and cultivate self awareness & compassion, despite any shiny sparkley bits. May all be happy, and at peace.

amazing answer!!

Fantastic succinct sensible answer. I love it and I think can be applied to a lot of areas of life.

wonderful advice - i whole heartily agree!

Exactly related, to what Esther is saying, is the parallel, synonymous "plague" of: Modern stress demands that everybody has to be Myers-Briggs "J" -- Closure-Oriented -- just to cope with the tsunami of, the onslaught of tasks and deadlines! "I gotta Know It All, right nowwwww! I'm falling behind, already! Gotta move, gotta move on, gotta FINISH THIS, gotta GET THERE, gotta GET THIS DONE!" No one feels safe being "P" -- Process-Oriented. No one has time to Take Time With It.

Indeed. It's fun, uncertainty, not routine stasis. Enjoy.

Its truly a blessing to have access to your ideas which seem so radical to living a meaningful life of co-existence with another human being. Awed, fascinated and inspired. :))

Amazing this woman’s insight

The mindset that wasn't mentioned is *confidence* which you could also say is *faith* (and I don't use "believe" because that implies "certainty" - and I agree with Esther, you can't be). I am confident in Esther's teachings.

love the way she opens up her legs like that, it comes from confidence.

I needed to hear this ❤️

10 seconds in and I trust this French woman implicitly. Liked and subscribed 🙌

Amazing, thank you ♥️

Clearly I'm a control freak - I can't seem to settle with anyone because I always wonder about the future.

Good advice. 6 years in and still no certainty but it’s what keeps it passionate too 😉

Excellent advice

There is beauty in uncertainty, we have to embrace it ❤️ Once we accept the risk of life, being open to love and become even more attractive...

If you are in doubt,go with that gut feeling!Something that feels uncertain,a mismatch or worse,it usually is!

Thank you for this

totally make sense!!

Love this thank you

You are my voice of reason.

Everything you say I think: preach!

There will be mutual respect, especially when you are honest with one another. The ability to be yourself without any fear of being judged or abandoned.

MINDBLOWN.

So many wise words in 3 minutes wow😍👌

There is no certainty with anything in life. Sometimes you just have to take the leap and the risk. Cheers, from Country Victoria. Australia. ✌️