My estranged wife is the "I" and I am the "we". This video is excellent. It tells the story of the last 14 years of my life. Thank you for posting this.
She hits the nail on the head everytime! I'm more of the In need of connection and my partner is In need freedom. But it's odd in this relationship because usually it's the reverse for me;. I'm usually young, wild and free in relationships, but this is the first time I've feared losing someone more than I've been afraid to lose myself. I plan to try and embody her advice and try to be the opposite and see how it turns out. 😊
My husband and I have been married for 13 years now and we're both avoidants. We both value our individual time/interests while at the same time committed to each other. It's a "good enough " kind of marriage.
I’m not sure that accurately describes an avoidant personality or attachment style as it just sounds like a healthy marriage where both people have separate interests. Avoidants wouldn’t commit to a marriage due to fear of what that would mean or if they did, they would avoid spending most of their time together.
I tuned in for the subject and was fascinated with the plant behind you. The leaves seem to be reaching out , much like some people (like myself) seek adventure and discovery...often over security (even if it makes us nervous at times). And yet, your beautiful plant could not reach out without the stable terra firma that nurtures the plant. What would be helpful to me, and maybe others is how to find peace while seeking a balance, instead of the fear of having a stable yet dull and boring life or an adventuresome life that an health emergency or other disaster could endanger. How to move better move through this dance of opposing life directions and harmonize both, is a lifelong journey it seems. I am 72 and still working on it!
Wow! Miss Esther, you pack a punch! I had a moment yesterday when I could have stepped outside my comfort zone, and didn’t! My husband would have love it! If it happens today I will have the courage to jump all over it! Thank you so much for all your informative videos.
I was enjoying a good wholesome meal while listening to this and it made me realize, that these words were the food my soul needed! I feel so understood ✨🙏😌
Sweet Esther, every time i listen to you, i am mesmerized by your crystal clear insight, understanding and wording! Thank you immensely for sharing your treasure troves of wisdom here 💖🙏
Bravo! The thought that the need of needing independence also comes from childhood is for some reason a revelation. I always saw how the need for closeness takes root in childhood, but completely was blind to the other end of the spectrum. Thank you!
I broke up with my girlfriend 3 moths ago and still miss her a lot. We were caught in this rut. She wanted space and freedom and I wanted intimacy and connection. I tried to open up to her needs, but reached a point where I could not take it anymore. The sensation of exclusion and abandonment was to much, to painful to bear. So I would cycle every 4 to 6 months into a break up. Until finally she could not take any more. She also tried to change, although it was not enough, or so I perceived that way. So the relationship became a source of stress and uncomfortable situations and tension. I would like to find a way to be more willing to give space and freedom, and to be not so much in need of intimacy and closeness
I have had this same experience, almost exactly, with my breakup two months ago. Except, it was her who initiated the breakup every 4-6 months over the span of the 20 month relationship.
Thank you Esther for Articulating and conveying this in such away, you can see how both sides effect each other’s past…great clarity and insight… wonderful wisdom… I really appreciate all that you share, very Grateful… Wishing you a wonderful rest of the week🌷
Wonderful! Your cristal clear analysis impressed me very much and I would like to hear more and to read you books. Thank you for posting this. Lots of love from Germany
For people who really loved this topic I recommend reading the book “attached” to learn more about your own attachment style! Everything she says is very aligned with this book!
that is a lot of information in a short time :) Very informative, challenging and exciting but, for me, I expect it might take years to unpack this one.
Thanks for this interesting video. As a french person, I just make one « vocabulary comment » : the translation in English of the french word « sécurité » is « safety ». Security is related to voluntary unlawful acts (sûreté in french) 😊
A balance of these two forces makes sense. The problem is when individuals polarise into these forces. Two built a healthy relationship you need the balance of freedom and intimacy.
Can you have both the fear of losing yourself AND the fear of losing the other? The need for safety AND adventure at the same time? And if so, what do you do in that case?
Yes the one that looks like the anxious one picks the avoidant to hide their own avoidance. The overtly avoidant is hiding his anxiety through the other one
The fight for security or freedom happens mostly in what we call a romantic relationship; particularly those in which a sense of ownership is involved. If people have a relationship of any kind without those stereotyped expectations and roles of a traditional relationship, then they wouldn't need to fight over their needs! If we do things together only because we both like it, it'll be much better than doing things together because it's part of our duty of being in a relationship!
I’ve been avoidant my whole marriage. Partly it’s that when I’ve exposed things I love, there was criticism, so I pulled back and back until we are existing in the same house.
Thanks a lot for sharing a tool that allows complementarity to be achieved. But this strategy works for partnerships. What about single people who wish to reconcile these tensions? Is there a toolbox for us as well?
Security is a privilege that requires responsibility. You want out of the responsibility, fine, but you gotta prepare to sacrifice some freedom and security for that choice.
Thank you for your work and for putting out so many videos and resources. I'm curious what your experience is and others when one partner feels that the desire, spark, and romance that was once there at the beginning can't be rekindled but the other partner feels very strongly that with nourishment, action and change that the desire can be brought back? Can one person work on the relationship on their own while the other is not hopeful or is actively wanting to pursue separation? What resources might you have available Esther for this situation? Thanks!
oh wow, descirbes me and the wifeyrelationship well, me and my boo are opposites in many ways and it creates a beatiful synergy. if not for her id probably only leave my house once every 25 years or so haha.
Hi, Fear of obliteration, when someone is afraid that by becoming a ‘WE’ they will lose the ‘I’ themselves, who they were before the relationship, this sometimes translates into fear of commitment.
Yes, what SC said. In my own life, I have realized that it is easy to lose my self in a relationship, so now I am very cautious about even getting into a relationship. I am 55 years old and got married when I was 19. I moved out of my home and live by myself, and it is lonely but I crave solitude. Absolutely crave it.
realized today these r opposing on quantum level - wave (freedom) vs particle (security). this seems to be fundamental duality of universe. women r wave, men r particle. creation = conscious observers seeking to observe waves to collapse them into particles (security). with conscious takers seeking to remove particles from observers so they return to wave form. battle of men/women, creation / destruction.
If you want intimacy does it make sense to find someone who also wants intimacy as opposed to finding someone who wants to keep their freedom and individuality?
The way I see it, these days and this is just me. I think, (of Esters two areas where people go to need) the latter (individuality, freedom etc) is getting REALLY crowded w/ people who feel like they were pushed there. Male or female. And to us ADHD creatives, we know if you belong here w/ us lol.
She said what “you” wanna do this weekend when she expecting we answers… why can’t she just say what we doing this weekend without trying to catch him out
Isn't Esther transgender? I remember my wife told me that she recently came out and revealed in a new book...i am not sure of this...but if anyone finds this fact, let me know in the comment.