At my mother's wake, a relative (I hate calling her aunt) put her arm around 11 year old vulnerable me and said, 'think of me as your mother'. Less than a month later, she comes over and tells my father, she is taking me for the weekend. I was thrilled. The next day she leaves for her church work with instructions to the tasks that needed to be done. Being raised to be obedient, I began diligently doing the work. However, I realized that her sons who were 1 & 4 years younger kept on playing so I stopped n began playing too. When she returned n saw the undone work she began raging, more at me, being 1 year older.Having a rageful father n then this at the time I was grieving for my mom, kind snapped something inside me. Over the years, she would often come n take me to her place for the sole purpose of doing her housework. My father venerated her because she knew how to play him n also because of her church activities. She only saw me as an object to be used. Not once did she stop to think that here is a child who has just lost her mother. The evil that lurks under the guise of goodness is something I am still unable to fathom😢
The last sentence made me immediately think of communal narcissism. These folks are dangerous and will destroy anyone in their path to maintain their image.
This discussion helped me so much. It validated many of my feelings. I am often criticized for being a grudge holder...and that may be a deserved accusation, but this conversation was so laced with compassion that it felt like a balm. Thank you. I am often amazed at Forrest's wrap up at the podcasts' conclusions...so we'll done. Thank you both!
I loved the part Rick added about evo psych. Resentment may have been adaptive in the ancient past, when we lived in small groups. Our biggest threat was other groups that wanted to take from our group. In those circumstances, decades long resentments and warrior-like fierceness it generated protected us. Nowadays these resentments only take us away from well-being. They are a reasonable part of the id that I must learn to compartmentalize. They go in the resentment box because they’re too dangerous to let out. This episode is incredibly helpful for my struggle. Thank you guys!
I've been resentful towards my mother for far too long. In public she's gentle, sweet, kind and I'm so sick of everyone not only believing that, but telling me how lucky I am to have such an angel for a mother. Behind closed doors, since my earliest memories, she has lived to shame and persecute me. She never gave me emotional or physical affection, rarely ever listened when I speak to her. Now my disdain of her is starting to show, she's trying to turn my husband against me by telling him she's so confused, she hasn't done anything wrong, and I'm at fault because I'm bound to be a bit like my dad - who she hated. Fortunately, and hilariously, this behaviour has finally outed her true nature to my husband. It took him 48 years to see it 😕😢 But I have some redemption at last, even if it's only from 1 person. The most important person fortunately. What a life affirmation for me. At last!!! 🎉
So insightful and authentic; this podcast really gets at the difficult lived experience of resentment. Rick's observation that we sometimes hold onto resentment to keep alive a relationship we're not fully ready to release and grieve is counterintuitive -- and spot on. Forrest's suggestion to consider how you want to feel -- not just that you don't want to feel resentful -- is a great way to move the mind out of its rut(s). This and so much more to consider and apply in working with and through this difficult emotion (or, rather, constellation of emotions). Thanks, guys, for another wonderful tag-team reflection and teaching!
Wow, I love you guys❤! I normally cannot listen on RU-vid for more than 10, 15 minutes max! However, I easily listen to your videos that are typically over an hour! Fabulous content, thank you! I have been self helping since I've been 15 years old & I'm 60 now! Cptsd is a forever wound but I do experience moments, sometimes days of peace and happiness ❤. Thank you for your contribution to healing, you are both so helpful. Socially, it's so easy to respect a clinical psychologist (Rick, you are an exceptional one!) but I'm so much more judgemental about people without big titles... but Forest you are phenomenal at summarizing in a succinct way, while being gentle and kind. You two are a gift to my healing. Again, I love you both❤! Bless you
I got this. That's what I keep telling myself. That's how I cope now. I refuse to relapse. I got almost four years clean. I have big plans tomorrow and Saturday and Sunday look good..
I am very greatful for all your work that you spread around with so much generosity. As for this subject, I couldn't agree more. I am sooooo fed up hearing about offering "forgiveness" towards people who do not seek to be forgiven for their wrong-doing. Better use the word "release" or "detach" or as you said "disconnect". Forgiveness takes two and there is no reason to wish well to someone who tried his best to harm you.
I so enjoy the format of your podcast. Thank you for dissecting this topic. I had no idea I was holding so much resentment, underneath my anger. I appreciate the way you break-down this topic into understandable parts, detailing the what, where and how of this emotion. Thank you for also including help step-stones to breaking out of our own misery! :-). Keep up the good work. I appreciate your podcasts. Thank you.
Brilliant brilliant You guys were so talking to me in a way. Resentment keeps people that hurt you alive in your life and gives them power over your emotions
I'm learning that since many past events in my life, I have let resentment, anger, and embitterment pretty much take over my whole operating system. If you have never experienced joy or happiness in your life, where do you even find a frame of reference to begin to change how you see the world and the humans in it? 5th time through this one now. thank you both.
It's been so difficult trying to have relationships with my siblings because the resentment within our family is huge and it has been passed down to my nieces and nephews. When I speak up about it I am shunned or laughed at. I have received many punches in the stomach. This video has helped me immensely to fully understand what is going on and what I need to do to move forward. My sincerest gratitude to both of you!
I had wondered whether ruminating also served a purpose - to reanimate/rescript/reframe/review - as an imagined intention to ‘redeem’ or resolve? Not sure how effective this turns out to be, but this kind of energetic ‘transfusion’ is alluring.
I think this is probably really true David. There's a lot in classical psychology about rumination/"the desire to return." Resentment can definitely get bound up in that IMO.
@@ForrestHanson I must admit this rather innocuous subject has really exposed some powerfully but subtly entrenched personal issues in my life regarding resentment - of my dear god for allowing so much pain and misfortune yet disallowing the opportunities for true purpose and fulfilment to come to pass in my life (while knowing he/she was never to blame), and so, so much of that resentment tends to shed on to me - as self condemnation - forkin sucks Forrest & Rick, but I’m always grateful for the loving light you shine into my life.
It's crazy how I have always considered myself as peaceful, and goodhearted, and I always told myself "I forgive this person for what they did" but only at a conscious level, but deep in my heart, resentment never left. It's until now that I turned 30, that I realized it and am working on it. Great podcast! Thaanks!
Thank you for helping us to understand resentment and giving us ways to unpack it and manage it for sake of our own health and happiness and empowerment. The light bulb moment recognising carrying resentment has no effect on anyone but ourselves
I discovered this channel by chance a few weeks ago and have devoured every episode, but this episode alone made me become a member! Please keep producing such incredibly helpful topics. The worlds needs this!
It takes a lot of energy, wasted time and time is money… to carry. Having a mom like this that took on this sacrifice and I thank her because it taught me what I do not want to do… it’s heavy and over all a joy stealer! Not for me and I truly pray for everyone that is in this space and place in their lives. I pray for them to have a blessing. Thank you Rick, thank you Forrest, keep up the great team work. 👍🏼
The part of the discussion regarding resentment being a form of hanging on to a relationship reminds me a lot of what I saw on social media after Trump lost the election in January. Hoo boy.
It is very pleasant to listen to your interaction together. We can feel the great connexion between you both. Also the way to ease out of resentment and free our mind of all the preoccupation it makes so we can get unstuck from this inner cycle. Thank you a lot.
When Forest explained It and all the aspects of how it feels is a perfect description for me with what I’ve been experiencing. This talk has been so inspiring to me. Thanks to both of you. Great episode.
Thankyou so much Forrest and Dr Rick, I am new to finding your videos and have been finding them so fantastic. This particular one has really made me move through a difficult situation. Today I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. ❤
Fantastic content that has already made a difference in my life! I appreciate all that you offer to the world and want you to know that your personal style and insightful content is tops!!
Hey! What you said about them being in pain is true i believe, otherwise why would you constantly be attacking and trying to act like you are better than, superior, both my sisters are like this, narcissists, I have really suffered from feeling less than, but i think they are both in pain, actually i think they back off when they can't get supply from you, its a big subject; telling my narcissistic abusive sister what problem was exactly; was extremely helpful to me, she was very angry when I spoke to her next, and I don't know if she will contact me again but I don't have resentment, if she continues on which she will, I'll decide then! I am going to keep saying I don't like that, because it certainly helps!❤
This is a fantastic conversation, thank you for sharing it. I really appreciate the deep dive into the “what we’re getting out of it” part of the emotion and the cost, as well as the emphasis on nourishing yourself from the roots to become less vulnerable to things such as resentment. I feel like these are an incredibly important part of the conversation that are (somewhat bafflingly) completely skipped over by other people discussing topics like this and it’s great to be able to hear other intelligent people fleshing out their perspectives on it. I’ve really come to be grateful for the consistently thoughtful and compassionate content you guys are putting out.
It’s really difficult when parents have been deliberately cruel because they resent your existence. As an adult I find this difficult, when my sister was treated differently and they all act like everything is good. I’m the only one that feels shit about it.
Forrest, your summarising at the end is very much appreciated. Such wise words, i truly love listening to these videos. This subject in particular is very comforting.
Wow guys, a great episode. As Rick knows, I am a long time fan of his, and his work & it is a delight to see you work together. Such a helpful exploration of a difficult experience, resentment - I am sure I will listen again to mine more gold from your exchange. Thanks Rick and Forrest.xx
This was pretty insightful, this one definitely will go on the rewTch list. So, now I know why Rick is so damn Zen, haha. A Buddhist instructor... It's not a surprise.
So interesting. Really highlighted some of my resentment towards certain aspects of modern life. Thanks for another great episode. Definitely shared with my friends.
Hi Rick, keep up the great work you guys. I appreciate the fact that you guys are Dad and son team. To me it speaks authenticity and I am thankful for both of your perceptions. Thanks again.
It's resentful that you feel you can understand and talk like you have experience when you don't. You have a family member a life a future a hope a friend. Until you lose thise,,, you're just talking. Not knowing.
Hi Maryam, we record the podcasts by ourselves without an audience. Rick does have a weekly meditation group that he hosts on Zoom. You can find it here: www.rickhanson.net/teaching/wednesday-meditations-with-dr-rick-hanson/
I think of a grudge as something you "hold" while resentment is an emotional experience you "feel." Maybe a grudge is the name we give to a particular resentment. That said, they're very much related; the definition of grudge even includes the word 'resentment:' a persistent feeling of ill will or resentment resulting from a past insult or injury.
