Our website: www.justandsinner.org This video is part of my series that overviews the rules of etiquette. Here, I discuss what to do and what not to do on a date.
@@DrJordanBCooper I think the main issue is there are no common spaces anymore where people mingle. Please don't suggest work, because it isn't worth the small chance of an HR visit and losing a job.
If you're lucky, you'll only get rejected outright. If you're less fortunate, she'll say "no" when she really means "Yes." But the greatest punishment is dealing with the aftermath of her saying "yes" because she felt unable to say "no." That one will have you contemplating monastic life.
Nah, what you do is you pretend to be normal for a couple of months before you spring the topic of false friends and dead words in the KJV. It would be so nerdy it almost becomes cool! Strong emphasis on "almost"
This theology nerd never had trouble getting dates. Some women dig the theology nerds. As long as they know how to have conversations about other things.
"Just say something"--seriously good advice. When I asked my now wife out, she actually didn't have very many romantic feelings for me--but those can grow overtime. They did for her, and now we're happily married! The worst she can say is "nah", and while yeah that sucks for a bit, you pray through it, wrestle through it, and then get back out there!
Dr. Cooper is correct on this, however I suggest polo shirts and I can’t emphasize enough CLEAN SHOES AND FINGERNAILS! Then again I always preferred less formal first dates as I was a fairly broke kid. I’ve shared this twice in the comments but I suggest you find a small restaurant just outside of town and start frequenting it on off days, like Tuesdays or something. Get to know the employees, tip well, tell the owner how great the waiter and cook are. Then because everyone likes food every grocery store becomes a girlfriend hunting ground, and any conversation anywhere can go to food then you bring up your little restaurant, and when you walk in you say hi to an employee by name and introduce your date. I don’t know why but there is magic in going somewhere and knowing people, I think it’s because the waiter is able to confirm that you’re a nice guy. It also is a conversation starter about the importance of small local businesses and such. Also you can sometimes get a bit of backup from staff, and you have a place to go on special occasions. This also gives you a budgeting idea to make sure you can tip well. For me it was an Indian food place and they took the time to help my at the time future wife to discover butter chicken, hooked us up with extra naan (flat bread), and when we got married and she was pregnant they threw in extra food for her to take home as carry out. Two last piece of advise: 1: don’t go out in public wearing pajamas, always dress like someone who in respectable and employed. You never know where you might meet a lovely girl. 2: gaps in conversation always feel longer than they are. Allow the occasional few seconds of silence while thinking about what to say so you don’t accidentally say something stupid, also don’t get worked up over differences that aren’t major moral indicators. James 1:19 “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger”
listening to what some one is saying in a conversation is super important in every context. it's like trying to take a city without a map of the near by terrain and the buildings and cites in the city. the better one becomes at mapping out what a conversation is about the easier it becomes to make a correct move, works very well professionally as in day to day talking with friends and family.
Why? Because men are born naturally knowing all things and not needing to be taught anything? Funny, we train men to be everything in a professional role. But for the two most important roles he will ever be called to take (father and husband), we as a society do very little. Young men are intellectually neglected by fathers, when not emotionally or physically abused. They are deprived of the economic advantages older generations had. Not able to move out, house themselves, and start a family. And because of the deterioration in sexual culture since the 60s, young men now have a hard time finding partners. First, they can't earn a living wage, and now they can't marry. Now, because they're unsurprisingly depressed and can't properly care for themselves, they will just rot and die alone. In other words, they can't live. This is a homicidal way of things. Good luck being a man living out his God-given design in this culture if Christianity does not fight against such dangers.
There's a gal i met and rather enjoy the company of. We are soon to have a third date after she recovers from an illness. This video shall be immensely helpful
It is awesome to see this kind of practical and very important content from solid Lutheran circles. I’d also double down on not talking about yourself so much. Especially for very young guys who may get much more leniency for your clothing, money, etc. Talking about yourself too much is going to kill every date you go on and it will take forever before you realize it. If you are so focused on getting a gf/wife, you can become so nervous that it actually is selfish.
My nephew picked up a girl for a date, and he opened the car door for her. She said, "I can open my own door!" He closed the door, walked back around the car, and drove away! He said he knew all he needed to know at that point.
Thanks, Dr. Cooper! I was a little skeptical when I saw the title (I don't usually watch that genre), but this is very helpful and needed. Many parents don't explain this to boys, so TV and questionable (of varying degrees) internet sources fill the information void, often leading to problems. So it was nice to hear good advice from a trustworthy source, a solid Christian who is married and has been down this road before. Focusing on the mechanics of the date itself was helpful as most Christian circles I run in focus on the overarching idea/prospect of dating (is dating fine?, When can a man date?, etc.). Thanks!
As a non-single woman I 100% agree with this. These things are timeless, classy and make a massive difference in how a woman perceives you. And if the woman gets upset and doesn't appreciate your efforts to be chivalrous...she's not the kind of woman you want anyway.
I have given up on dating I have made Lutheran theology my entire personality and so repel most women after our first outing Just last week I spent the whole evening explaining the distinction between Consubstantiation and the Sacramental Union to a girl Dr. Cooper is to blame for this
Outstanding advice! I have a minor disagreement on one point and that with a caveat. That point is the manner of dress. Although button up with slacks and a blazer is appropriate for some especially nice dates for many of us these days are a bit lacking in funds. Might I suggest a monochromatic polo shirt clean jeans and CLEAN SHOES! Don’t know why the shoes are a thing but girls always notice your shoes and fingernails. The clothing should certainly fit the date venue though. For those of us on a budget here’s what worked for me in dating: 1: find a good small mom and pop restaurant that is usually not crowded and within you budget. Thai, Indian, Italian are good options with food that isn’t too messy. 2: frequent the restaurant on off days like Thursdays so you can get to know everyone there by name. Tip well, compliment the food, etc. when it’s dead in there you can actually talk to them, get to know them, and let them know you. Make friends. 3: Never wear pajamas or dress slovenly in public (when avoidable) out in public. Alway appear employed and respectable. 4: find a cute girl at a coffee shop, grocery store, or wherever you happen to be. Strike up a conversation about whatever is around you and then bring up how good your hole in the wall restaurant is, and invite her on a date to the restaurant. Everyone likes food and passionate about it. Don’t believe me? Read Romans. You already have important budgeting information as you know the prices. 5: when you walk in say hi to the waiter/owner by name and introduce you date if they come over. There is magic in knowing and being known by restaurant staff. BTW Make sure to tip. Not only is this a low pressure date, in a casual environment that is public enough to make her feel safe while quiet enough for conversation but also with people there who by their greeting let her know you are a nice guy. Sometimes they will even help you out a bit with little extras or bailing you if you’re struggling with what to say… and if things go well you have a super romantic special occasion date in the bag as you can go to where your first date was and start off with a +10 sentimentality bonus. This worked really well for me when I was young and broke. BTW2: Girls are extremely susceptible to social pressures and often have self imposed labels that are not necessary consistent with their actual opinions. Discuss differences calmly and you may find out that the “liberal” is actually a conservative
Great video! I agree we need more like this. I think that one of the best way to deal with nerves on a date (or any social interaction) is to go in with a clear agenda, for example, try to find 5 things the person likes, or try to learn about their family system, or try to learn about what they do for work and what they think about it. You can treat it like a game you're playing with yourself. It can also be useful to make that agenda clear at the start with the person, or even ask them what they want out of the encounter. Also...people love to talk about themselves! So go in with some solid open-ended questions and then sit back and nod and smile. I will say, though, that most of the guys I know are single not so much because they lack dating skills but because they just aren't around a lot of single women in the first place. I think that this is especially true for guys who are a bit older.
This video is going to be very helpful to a lot of people! I would definitely like to hear your thoughts on how to properly communicate the relationship status with someone. Thanks!
Dr. Cooper, thanks for unlocking the Fabio incident memory for me. That was one of the most bizarre reveals in reality television history, and the guy's reaction was so satisfying.
This is very good advice. I found that the only way to overcome the nervousness problem for me was just not to care whether it works out or not., by which I mean not being indifferent to the woman. You always want to put your best foot forward. It's just that you look at it in a more fatalistic sense. You can only take someone as far as you've gone in life. If you haven't done the work on yourself, it's a little late to worry. Part of that work, though, is just being in relationships and discovering what works and what doesn't for you. You still learn something every time regardless and the next time is always easier. I guess I am almost a determinist about these things, and we just have to let go of the control aspect or trying in to make it work and just enjoy the moment. It goes so much better when you enter into it with that mindset.
I would say an addendum to the first tip is go out in normal events since a large part of dating is just general social stuff and when you are doing normal things take pictures so you can show what you enjoy doing as well on a date as a conversation piece like "oh have you tried hiking at the local trail, it is so great, have you ever been there?". Basically do things that might prepare you a little for a date even when you aren't on a date. I definitely agree with not talking about myself and constantly asking questions with connections also I will add that it makes it easy for me to talk since it makes a good momentum. I will say that on the passion stuff that it is not a useful metric for how the relationship will go, it doesn't correlate at all if a relationship goes well, and instead generally being kind and emotionally stable are the biggest indicators that the relationship will survive. I got that from How Not to Die Alone: The Surprising Science on Finding Love which is a sorta progressive dating book which is still pretty good since it even knocks cohabitation before marriage since it actually harms the likelihood a marriage would actually survive. Anyways enjoyed the video!
Good places to meet Christian (specifically Lutheran) girls? I’m in a heavy Baptist part of the south and they tend to not like it when I express Lutheran theology.
I suppose proper conversation and being engaged goes along with etiquette, but interestingly enough I don't think doing that is something you'd have to put conscious effort towards. If you are actually interested in her as a person and wondering if she'd be good for you long-term, and not just her body and getting something immediate, it's quite a bit easier to build productive and active dialogue with her. I suppose being nervous has its effects, but I tend to only be nervous if I'm taking someone out for the first time who I'm really into. After the first few minutes where I usually ask her about her family or hobbies, I feel human enough to really engage with what she said.
My problem with most "advice". They ignore the elephant in the room. The sad reality is whatever you pursue in life. You have to look a part to play a part. A lot of this comes down to genetic factors you have no control over. Physical features. Racial features. If you act "confident" and don't have the looks to back it up it's creepy.
I would push back on your comments in a lot of ways, but the reality is that this video was how to treat someone with respect and dignity when on a date. This was not about how to get one.
It's somewhat like a job interview... you are interviewing them as much as they are interviewing you. They may not be right for you. And you're the one content to not have the relationship. If you think you're a beggar, you're a beggar. Don't be a beggar. Because you're not. You just have to find the fit. The fit that you alone can uniquely be. And sometimes to make that point, it doesn't hurt to play a little hard to get. I can't imagine dating in the era of cell phones and social media. My heart goes out to you.
Dear Christian they are out there. I can say someone who started walked away from church for awhile that the Holy Spirit would use a heartbroken lost Christian woman to bring me back to the fold. March of 2021 I went on one Date as a single sinful man and after a month of talking the Holy Spirit convicted us both of what we were doing and really talked. Found out she believed a lot of things I did and that she never wanted kids or marriage after a past relationship and God used this woman to get my back into the church and help her to study the Lutheran confessions with our current pastor. Fast forward today God himself used this woman to set me straight now married two and half years to my wife now and we have a young son together. The Lord does move in mysterious ways and I met my wife off tinder when I was being dumb and she lived over an hour away from me. They are not always in the local church.
Just a curious question for further advice. Would you say it is appropriate to finish a date where you dont see a second one by saying something amongst the lines of "It was great meeting you, but I dont see a second date" instead of just not contacting them? then it is clear to the other party there won't be a second date strait away, instead of leaving them hanging
He mentioned it is not good to ghost someone. You should in an appropriate time and respectfully as to not hurt the other person's feelings if they are sincere tell the person you don't see a second date happening.
From some comments made here and liked by viewers and you sir, I want to ask: to what exact view of sexual/dating ethics do you ascribe? Any resource that can be pointed out?
@@DrJordanBCooper That much is obvious. I don't know if I'm still immature or have much to learn yet, or if Lutherans even adhere to these standards, but I'm meaning things that I'm honestly shy of writing here, for fear of being seen in a weird way. Things like close interactions with the opposite sex in a date and things like that. A comment mentioned "using a small umbrella to have an excuse to be closer", and I'm wary of that statement. Are we not supposed to steer away from physical closeness or anything that could induce strong emotions as to avoid temptation? To me a date should be taken seriously with all caution while going over the important points of discussion. Maybe this is my male rationality, and of course I understand women tend to the emotional side and I'm also aware that it needs to be a fun interaction, and all of that is considered. But there are important things to be discussed in a date to ascertain if the person is fit for marriage. Trying to induce physical closeness to maybe try to promote certain emotional reactions seems to me to be inappropriate. What view do you and Lutherans in general have about this, sir? I, for now, still learning the essentials, tend to the ascetic side: not alone with the opposite sex, no physical contact such as kissing on the cheeks/hands or hugging, among others which are more obvious, and all of these I mean in a potentially romantic interaction. The comment about trying to induce physical closeness and your liking of it seemed strange to me. Don't take my comments as confrontational. I'm engaging honestly and earnestly as I think a lot about this subject and want to learn more.
@@DrJordanBCooper and I may have phrased that incorrectly. I meant: your views on how men and women should interact and what is appropriate in such interactions specially in potentially romantic interactions like dates. Physical contact? Physical closeness? Things of that manner.
"The reason you're single is because you talk about yourself too much on the first date". Imagine being this clueless and disconnected from your audience.
Heh, most men could handle a simple 'No, I'm not interested.' Its the filming for TikTok/Insta/Socials shaming you for asking for potentially millions of views that men aren't okay with.
The wom@n you date is not the wom@n you marry. And the wom@n you take home is not the mother of your children. For men, dating will always be the most dangerous form of gambling. And some men have the nerve to brag about winning at the slots.
Cut the absurd false pedantry. Dating includes trying to find somebody to marry and start a family with. There is zero assumption of premarital sex. This is standard, formal, correct English. Everyone watching the video knows this, including you.
Dr. Cooper, I'm seeing a little bit of a lack of clarity in some of your videos about culture, women and relationships, like this one. There seems to be a lack of the explicit disclaimer that you are advising young Christian men to look for Christian young women and not wordly women. Also the subtle (seemingly) brag in the comments about having no problem getting dates seemed a little inappropriate. Not because you might be offending people who don't have such luck, but because it doesn't seem to be something a Christian should be bragging about in this promiscuous and sexually immoral culture. It's not a bragging point to have ease to have multiple dates with multiple women. Unless you were talking about the same person, and this person would be your now wife, it doesn't seem appropriate. Not meaning to be overly critical, but just advising caution with the lax language used, and I mean this because of the culture. We can't be lax in our language about relationships while living in this immoral culture.
Step 1, have a personality off the Internet. Step 2: be yourself Step 3: Have manners, be respectful, be a man and not a boy who a woman feels they need to take care of...
Use the hormones to your advantage. Ask for a date when they're ovulating, Don't ask for a date during PMS. Don't be afraid to ask twice, attitudes change with hormones. If you're an adult man and you haven't figured out how to discern the signs of skin complexion, oil in the hair, how they hold their eyes You need to fix that quickly Shhh... their hormones are your secret weapon bait. And always always you Smell good, but not too much. Read up on the web about the effect of smells if you want to understand why. Sola De Gloria To God be the glory
@@IronPoorBlood You are the master. Yes, they think with their ovaries, so the only time you'll make any headway is when it's her time. The correlary to this is that you're never dealing with a rational creature. Ever. Best to know these things early.
I don't think it's right to manipulate someone through their biology. And the kind of women that think with their biology doesn't seem to be the kind of woman you should be pursuing.
@@DrJordanBCooper thanks for the assurance, but yeah i'm just not too sure. in the event that if i do get a date, i'll be sure to follow your advice. thank you!
Who runs her family's house? Her father or mother? The woman I married, All the men before me tried to please her father. Watching the family I knew the key was her mother. I set about pleasing her. Her mom felt safe with me. The rest of the family signed off on me. The want to be patriarchs trying to please the patriarch, didn't get very far with her. If I wanted that girl, her mother had to be happy. Everyone else would come along. And remember, I'm an awkward geek. I didn't want to marry someone who had to run with the in-crowd. Our marriage was a God thing.
