Can you relate to having a defensive or conflict-avoidant partner? Share your experiences below, and don't forget to download the guide for scripts to use to approach your partner: www.terricole.com/how-to-communicate-with-a-defensive-or-conflict-avoidant-partner-guide
Terri! Yes, it's complicated. I'm 65 and been married 42 years, together 49. We were teenagers. We both had different traumas and fit perfectly. That is until I had autoimmune, thyroid removal and menopause. I cope by making every one happy and included so I feel safe. He had a dogmatic, mitary, catholic, depression survivor father and 3 older brothers. He copes by acting like they did (they are all awful). It's the stress of this that activated my illnesses. I have been using many of the tips you generously post for sometime. He had a for a year. I'm sharing with him with a little trepidation. I shielded others from many of his behaviors. It set me up to be the bad guy, but my kids have the loving father I didn't. (2xs) I am very triggered by his old patterns of behavior. I have informed him that I'm done for the 1st time ever. It's not working at all. I found you today, and this may be the thing that finally gets through. Thank you mom. 😊 I'm so glad Dr. C had you on his channel! 🙏🏼🥰
You are speaking right to me!! I’m so defensive! 😩 it’s all learned behavior that I am realizing now at almost 40 years old. Looking back at past relationships I’ve seen how they were destroyed. Luckily I am blessed with an amazing (patient) fiancé who is helping me to change. He always would tell me that I fight dirty and I’m cutthroat and put him down. I never truly understood what that meant until I started watching your videos. Thank you so much, for people like me this is Gold ❤.
Definitely struggling with defensiveness toward my wife! Shes told me time and time again but im seeing it now :( praying for self change and to be able to hear her and be a safe space for her.
I am witnessing you with compassion Matthew ❤️ You can change! Becoming more self-aware of when you're acting defensively and being able to receive what your wife is saying is key.
I am enjoying your podcasts. It has been so helpful to me in communicating with the people in my life who are conflict avoidant and manipulative. Your perspective is so empowering yet collaborative. It’s the first I have actually thought about addressing conflict in this way. Thank you so much for introducing me to this skill.
This episode has been really comforting! When we understand the CLEAN conflict , we can accept and then DO the work ! I am avoidant and my partner is defensive OMG!! well after this episode I understand better !! Thank you so much Terri ! Each episode is a BALM for my heart !
Some things I could talk about it now but agressive subjects I need 2 DAYS to digest it and back off to observe what is going on in myself first. My friend had so much trouble with that.
It's so good you know that about yourself! As the person wanting to talk it out immediately, I think it is helpful to at least allow for that space and give it a try. But it does require a certain amount of trust and understanding. 💕
I’m new here but I’m so thankful to have stumbled across your videos. My husband and I are both very defensive; and don’t hear each other out it’s getting exhausting, something has to change, or we are never going to make it.
I only just found this comment bit and got very American. But Christ this has been one of the portals that has helped me through to the light or the recovery I am involved within. I really appreciate the honesty and depth that is provided here. Keep it going.
Thank you. I needed to hear this today and will use it tomorrow with my girlfriend. I'm usually the one that ones to conflict resolve immediately, whereas she is more wanting to avoid the conversations until later. I will try to have the conversation tomorrow and will use the above points mentioned to come to a resolution. Thanks again, Terri. I've loved your channel for quite some time now.
I used to be with a defensive partner and it was the worst relationship of my life by a few miles. It almost destroyed me. I will never put up with useless defensiveness again in my life. Pride is good. Defensiveness (which to me is unresolved trauma) is not.
thanks, Terry for getting us your personal experiences inside your relationship with Vic. It really helps to give real life examples that are sincere, and we can see how this could work or a variation of it in our own lives. ❤
I broke up with my girlfriend by mistake because im a defensive person. Im scared of conflict because im too polite and dont want to hear something I dont like.I was being avoidant and passive aggressive. I constantly make the least generous assumptions and do below the belt tactics. I let those issues festes and have resentment. Im opening up to her and being honest, trying to show i want to change. I hope it's not too late, because she's been doubtful of Our relationship for months now and im terrified she might be interested in someone else.
Terri, thank you so much for this video. I've certainly heard the maxims "no blaming, shaming, talking down" in conflict resolution, but I've never heard Dr. Lerner's "no interpreting, no psychoanalyzing" advice. By grouping those thing together, it seems like interpreting your partner's "true intent" is perhaps a way of dismissing the partner, instead of taking what they're saying at face value. That has been a challenge for me in past relationships. In one case, the only way to get the *generous perspective* was to really read between the lines of what they were saying, because otherwise the words at face value were so painful. In another case, a partner was so internally inconsistent, holing two beliefs that opposed each other, it felt like they were lying to themselves to please me. In both cases I felt like I had to do mental gymnastics to try and figure out what was real and what was fake, playing therapist to understand what was going on with them. Very confusing times. Perhaps the impulse to interpret is also a way to control the narrative, to be the authority in the fight. I can see how that would be dismissive of a partner, and contrary to really listening to what they have to say, and believing them instead of patronizing. Thanks again! A big aha moment.
Thank YOU for sharing your experience with us, as I'm sure you're not alone. 💕 I think establishing fair fighting rules together can help both people avoid these below-the-belt tactics and make it less necessary to read between the lines. In an ideal situation, both people are talking true (and know what they are saying and why). But I also like your last point about doing it to control the narrative.
Always helpful. I really like the idea of the Sunday morning half hour to discuss things, BUT what if the person agrees with you that they could have said or done things differently and it keep happening repeatedly, and about 20 other things?
Glad it was helpful 💕 I can't tell from your statement if you've tried setting explicit boundaries, like, "Hey, I'd like to make a simple request you not talk to me this way again." If they continue to, you may need to attach a consequence to that: "If you continue talking to me like that, I will walk away from the conversation" (and then be willing to walk away). So if you haven't set a boundary yet, I'd do that, and if you have, then start attaching consequences to the crossed boundaries to get the message across strongly. I hope that helps!
He's an avoidant (bad case) and I have to carry 200% of the emotional load and put in the work. He literally says 'dont talk to me, I won't engage' etc. and ignores me. Today I asked him 1 single question to which he got defensive and called me a 'thorn in his side'. Should I just break up now? Maybe saving myself is better?
I am so sorry to hear that and I am witnessing you with compassion 💕 I can't tell you what to do or not, but I do have a few videos that might help you weigh the options: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-GTWmhDEP1jg.html & ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-873ejDwGXfI.html
Very interesting I do have a question . When I do speak about my feeling in I sentences( I feel hurt when you don't do or do X thing. Another example. I feel sad when ... . In X situation . or I felt scared in x situation coud you please do Y ).It is received with defensiveness (. So it is my fault , you always feel sad, Maybe you should not be with me. or from now on I will never drive the car when you are in it.... He feel that he is responsible of any situation even when he did nothing wrong but he triggered me without knowing. I feel I cannot speak without automaticaly being met in the defensive mode. I have mentionned the problem very delicately . What can or should I do that could help ? I have asked him the question , and he answered he didn't know . If you have a suggestion I will certainly appreciate. Thank you so much for reading.
It might be helpful to say, "When you do X, I notice that I feel Y" instead of, "I feel X when you do Y." It's a slightly softer approach. You could try writing letters back and forth to make it less heated, too. Overall, you could try saying something like, "I love you and I am bummed because I feel like I can no longer bring problems to you. I would really love for us to talk about these things with the goal of improving our relationship. All I want is to feel closer to you. It's not about who is wrong. It's us against the problems. Let's work together as a team." I also recommend looking into IMAGO therapy with Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt: harvilleandhelen.com/initiatives/what-is-imago/ It's a resource I've gone to many times as a therapist and I find it really helpful with communication! I hope that helps ❤️
@@terri_cole Terry I am truthfully appreciative of the time you took to answer and these proposition are very helpfull . I will look at the ressource you suggested and will propose a state of the union EVERY week . We have that opportunity but did not put in practice when everything went good. That may have not been a good thing. I thank you much. I listen regurlarly to your podcast and I learn from them , they are very helpful
Oooh I definitely recommend State of the Unions all the time! They are most valuable when things are good because they're part of making sure things *stay* good! Once you work through things, every other week is usually good, but do what feels right. 💕
Honestly, why you should do this? These people usually don’t react well even if you approach them softly or from your feelings. It’s loke walking in eggs all the time, it’s like being a people pleaser. I don’t agree on maintaining relationships with avoidant or defensive people , it’s so exhausting and damaging for ourselves.
I think there are degrees of it. Sometimes, it just takes a few conversations for things to change. Sometimes it takes therapy. Sure, there may be folks who aren't open to it at all (or worse, who are abusive), but I put this video out because I've heard from many people that my previous videos on conflict and communication have saved their relationships. And I know from 25 years of being a psychotherapist that stating boundaries can profoundly alter relationships and save them. Many of us simply never learned how to have difficult conversations I'm all about talking true, which is a good skill to learn in general.❤ But of course, you know the people in your life best and whether it's worth a conversation (or even relationship) is up to you.
I am a child abuse and trauma survivor, managing C-PTSD and going to family trauma therapist. I can be defensive, and I can also be conflict avoidant. It's really rough. I am trying hard to learn, and grow into being a better person. I also realize, how I grew up, was not my fault. I know the way I was treated, was not my fault and wasn't warranted. I too deserve life to be loved. To be seen, heard and valued. It's hard work, healing trauma, managing C-PTSD..... It's hard to be told I am being mean when I react out of trauma response. It is not fun, it is not intentional. It is hard work, a labor of love. I know it is hard for both my husband and I; he has his own struggles from past trauma too..... It isn't easy, yet marriage and life isn't easy either. Marriage takes two, it's a two way street, and yet there are areas we merge, it takes work. Been married for 24 years. 💓 * I also have an "invisible" disability, a genetic autoimmune disease, Ankylosing Spondylitis. Super painful when it was undiagnosed. Have experienced symptoms since my teen years, or sooner. Appropriately diagnosed by age 42. Since it is an "invisible" disability, I was invalidated by friends, family, in-laws for decades, even during the pandemic (I am high risk, a cold can land me in the hospital)...... It has not been easy. It's difficult not to be defensive when I have spoken my honest truth, and was gaslight for decades..... Even to the point I gaslight myself thinking perhaps the chronic pain was "all in my head". Perhaps "everyone" in the world deals with pain levels 4/6 on the daily, and I am just weak because I cannot push myself or act like everything is fine when I am hurting all the time, cause apparently "everyone" else can. When I finally was diagnosed with Ankylosing Spondylitis, I asked the Rheumatologist, "So.... It's not normal to experience off and on pain, fatigue, and other symptoms from childhood through teen years? It's not normal to have chronic pain in my early 30's? It's not normal to feel like I am dying when I have a cold? A pain flare for a month is not normal?!" Rheumatologist, "No, none of that is normal. Normal means zero pain, zero symptoms unless they are injured or are sick". That is the day I realized, I am stronger than I thought. I am strong Enough. I am worthy. The chronic pain and symptoms were not "in my head", I am not crazy...... I have Ankylosing Spondylitis. Diagnosed at age 42. I also diagnosed with C-PTSD, due to past child abuse and it was resurfaced during the pandemic. Currently in therapy.
During the pandemic, was the first time I set up boundaries with consequences (age 43, not even a year from being diagnosed with Ankylosing Spondylitis and starting immunosuppressant medication). I was terrified of disappointing loved ones, friends, and family. I stood by my boundaries in order to protect my mental and physical health, my life. I am SOOOOO saddened it took me until my life was at risk (during the pandemic, I am high risk due to Ankylosing Spondylitis, being immunocompromised, and about 7 other chronic health issues I manage) before I figured out I can have consequences and deal breakers with healthy boundaries. I don't need to fawn. I can stand up for myself. I can be my own hero and choose what is mentally and physically healthy for me. It is ok to disappoint others when it comes to my overall health choices. It is ok if others become angry. It is ok to go no contact if I continue to feel mentally and/or physically unsafe around certain people and environments. I lost friends during the past four years, yet perhaps they were not friends as they rather I risk my life and pretend I am not disabled or high risk. Same with in-laws. Went no contact as they think I am faking Ankylosing Spondylitis, not immunocompromised, and COVID is "just" a cold..... Long story short, there are reasons behind being defensive and conflict avoidant.
I think I understand where you're coming from. Just because you may know why someone is acting the way they are doesn't make their behavior okay and that sometimes it is better to simply detach from that relationship altogether. I think Terri is just offering advice for those who want to continue the relationship. Maybe the defensiveness and other behaviors aren't that frequent or maybe the relationship is still fresh enough to allow for changes to be made
"I don't need to fawn. I can stand up for myself. I can be my own hero and choose what is mentally and physically healthy for me. It is ok to disappoint others when it comes to my overall health choices. It is ok if others become angry. It is ok to go no contact if I continue to feel mentally and/or physically unsafe around certain people and environments." Witnessing your strength with compassion and cheering you on for this 👏👏👏
Hey there Eileen, the URL is in the pinned comment and in the description of the video 💕: www.terricole.com/how-to-communicate-with-a-defensive-or-conflict-avoidant-partner-guide
