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Great talk. I’ve been a Relationship Coach for the past 20 years. One of the first questions I started asking my clients and couples was: “Would you date yourself?” They always laugh and then admit they wouldn’t. That is where we start.
I would. I’m not perfect but willing and wanting to work together and grow. I am ready to unravel what is happening in the dynamics and heal those wounds. I had this realization after a huge fight that I acted so badly, but I knew that it is already forgiven and I’m ready to work on it. And that’s how I show up for myself.
We were outliers, my husband and I. After two combative first years, and leaving the fourth visit to our marriage counselor, I stopped in the hall leading away from her office, looked up at my husband and said, “I see. It’s me. I’ll do what I can to change this behavior.” We spent 33 more blissful, conflict-free years together until he passed away. Self-awareness can be quite valuable.
Wow me and my husband are having so much trouble, no intimacy, no talk nothing except kids or mil related stuff. He does not share anything. He just come to me for his physical needs( that’s what I feel). I am so pissed at him. I have enrolled myself in to therapy but did not think couple therapy would be this helpful.
Absolutely powerful. This is the reason I have been single for so long. So few people want to do the work or even understand that they are not whole. I refuse to be a rehabilitation centre for a broken soul who is not on the same path of enlightenment as I.
I thought I understood Dr. Shefali to say we just need to rehabilitate our selves with or without the other person joining in. We can control our responses. So it need not be "bad" if he/she is not ready to evolve.
Hi Can You Explain A Little More on this?Surely There are Multitudes Of people who R whole?????? aND Not screqwded up up LIKE THE REST of U>S>>>>????HMMMM???? Answer me this....why do we choose to live in a world with only two choices ...good/bad etc....u got me???...also by refusing .. is it possible that you are prolonging what u need or what ur soul is calling u 2 do.......when someone ask's for help it is the universe calling YOU THRU THAT Individual/.........yes/// NO????? ...Eternal Blessings To You!!!
"Culture tells us to get married, but culture doesn't tell us to 'marry your truth, marry your authentic self, marry your inner liberation, and become your freedom before you seek it outside'. If I am going to be consciously intimate with another, it can only mean one thing: FREEDOM" 👏👏👏 You are magnificent, Dr. Shefali!
"Capitalism is predicted on unworthiness... Don't you think we should be so terrified of something called.. artificial? We don't even have natural intelligence." MIC DROP. 👏🏽
@@MulattoMovement that is a statement of labels. Labels are all a construction of the mind to make a concept of good or bad. She’s being her authentic self, she’s not being what someone decides she is of labeling of good or bad. I think you are missing the point. There are barriers in language that prevent understanding as well as our ability to hear and see without our mind chiming in with a label with of what already is.
Damn, this girl can preach!!! One of the best speeches I’ve heard in awhile! We need more of this type of message sent out into that world for people to hear 👏
"We are not in a relationship with others until we wake up! Who are we in a relationship with? With pieces of your unresolved, unfulfilled broken part of you, seeking for completion...you are seeking for completion in the outside world, yearning to be unified with yourself integrated into the whole." Amazing Dr. Shefali, have been learning a lot from you. Big admirer of your work. Thank you Mindvalley :)
Be kind to yourself when taking this in. Do not be so hard one yourself. Do not judge urself, love yourself. I am leaving divorcing my husband, I will never say it was right for him to abuse me , it was not my fault. But moving forward I am filling up my soul full of love and light, you are I am enough. Your happy ending rely's in you :). Mother urself, love u and give urself allowance to be loved, love that inner child. We are all a work in progress. God Bless you
Good luck on your journey to healing and growth, sorry to hear about your divorce, you can thank this chapter in your life for how strong you'll become.
Jennifer Anand, my mother taught me " we teach people how to treat us". So therefore we have to take some responsibility in fault if we have been abused in any relationship.
They’re a place of refuge and nourishment, deep connection and understanding. They make life easier, not harder. And even through the tough times, the strongest relationships weather the inevitable ups and downs with a sense of purpose and meaning. The problem is, very few of us are experiencing this. We’re simply not taught how. Instead, we stumble our way through, trying to work it out as we go along. With plenty of heartbreak, disappointment, and conflict along the way.
This video changed my whole day. In the last year I’ve started to understand how my mind and body feels when I feel like I’m lacking intimacy or connection, and I’ve learned that the feeling comes when I’m not taking care of myself (rather than pointing at someone and having a tantrum because “you’re not taking care of me”). So I sought out more content on intimacy so I can go inward and this was perfectttt. I am mastering connectedness to myself. Thank you for helping with the journey!!!
Wow, this woman has clarified "the pattern" in a matter of fact way that knocked me off my self pitying thrown! We are all such works in progress or in stagnation.
As a practitioner of Nichiren Buddhism Dr Shefali's thoughts are very familiar, but presented in a very thought provoking style. It is the manner of her presentation that makes me shudder about how broken we all are especially my own self. We must undertake this journey of self awareness and understand our wholeness and beauty to be able to liberate ourselves and others in our life.
Same here 3rd relationship. I realize though over a year ago that I have attrack that type of person because of who I am. she is so right about our childhood plays big role in our decisions as an adult. But definitely I am on the path of growth self-acceptance and self-love for 5 years already my view of life has changed 90 degrees. I accept my husband for who he is. I can't change him. I strive everyday to improve myself. blessings to you my dear.
Some of us have evolved ..She is only really saying what you will learn on a gut level if you stay alone long enough to heal . Then this just becomes awareness . It is just growing up .. you can listen to this all day long but to gain that awareness will mean treading your own difficult path .
What Dr. Shefali said was so deep. I may not fully understand it right now, but it makes me yearn to know who I truly am and be it. I feel that this is exactly what we need in the world today. “If you truly loved another you would truly liberate the other, because when you love another what you really mean by that, in the transcendent sense, is that you so honor their being because you so honor your being.”
The relationship you speak of here is that of my partner and I. My love left this Earth 11 weeks ago. My heart is both broken and full, broken as we no longer get to experience this beauty of our union in the physical realm but oh so full as the love we share I treasure each and every day. Shine on my lover, my best friend, my ONE. ❤
Author- Sheldon vanaken was a good friend of cs Lewis. I often wonder if their love story is possible. Interesting they called their love the Shining Barrier.
This was really eye opening for me....becoming your own parent and learning to love yourself the way you were never loved. I loved the presenter, she was eloquent.
This is TRULY the best speech/talk/information I have come across in the last couple of years. I keep shaking my head in astonishment, I REALLY needed every word she expressed!! Thank you mindvalley and the incredible Dr.Shefali!!✨
I try to understand and put perspective with word “unconditional love” and I think this talked represent the true meaning of unconditional love. You are such a amazing soul and way you speak is beautiful! Thank you
It’s hard to hear that I was the problem during my marriage by enabling how my ex treated me. However, I have been working on myself so much that I already have taken ownership of my silence. I was taught early on to be silent and not defend myself. I carried this into adulthood and did not speak up for myself once I was put in my place multiple times and realized that my voice was neither heard nor desired. I then set out to try and honor my commitment and hoped that if I allowed him to do as he wished, he’d be happy, and then treat me well. This didn’t work and in my stubbornness and desire not to fail, I wasted many years in silence. I have slowly become more vocal but still will fall back into this pattern. On my own path now, I am finding myself, taking time for myself, and carefully allowing others into my life.
She's right on the money with a good vantage point of observing this over and over again in her practice. Once you start searching for ways to heal yourself, to know yourself, etc., there are many paths to awakening.... it is a journey and you have to trust your intuition upon who to open to -- Careful of people wanting to trap you into expensive processes/series/sessions, in order to get free --- doesn't have to go that way --
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Fantastic message! Now I can walk around and ask each person I meet “ have you done your inner healing”? Staying home alone during Covid for 4 months in Italy, forced me into that inner work and it’s ongoing, but it is a beautiful feeling. I had to be happy alone. That was so scary!! Thank you your message really hit me right on!
Love this! Celebrate that you hv divorced your false self! We are not taught to be whole when seeking a partner, love the concept of marrying your authentic self and marrying your truth. Certainly was not aware of that at 28 years old.
Yeah, I see this the same way. You can only set all roots within yourself and reparent yourself. By giving yourself all this love. You are your first priority. Nobody is needy when you have found yourself.
I have blamed myself many times & still dont have the help!! Is so difficult getting the correct help!!!! Who am I?? This is brilliant THANKYOU!! somebody gets its!! 🙏❤
Has your x stolen your creative identity that makes you unique? Was he/she jealous of you, jerked you around, made you believe in their reality, rather then your own? It may explain why you've gone missing. Study Narcissism, which she mentions for it is a deeper subject, then that which is defined in the DSM-5 book, or the definition. There is plenty of info online via you-tube. Grow as the awesome person that you are & get to know yourself better. ~Enjoy!!
Luv it, it really show me how disconectes people are in these day and I am not so crazy to aware of this culturescape and find way to liberate myself as a human being :). Thank you so much Mindvalley.
I really enjoyed this wonderful and utterly truthful talk, thank you! Dr Shefali was absolutely on point. And how stunningly beautiful she looks, by the way. One thing I would say is that I clicked on this talk because of the 'how to' in the title. From watching this, however, I'd call it a 'what is' true intimacy. And it certainly is what she says it is. Namaste xox
Some people are legitimately abused in relationships, though. Narcissists are actually dangerous. You definitely shouldn't blame their victims. No one should be beaten or killed by their partner. there is a difference between having issues ( no one is perfect) and being dangerous.
That was key info I have needed to hear. You explained it perfectly. I need to know who I really am. I have been letting my past define who I am. I used to dream about getting hypnotized & having all the bad things in my past replaced w/all good things. It seemed easier than settling & believing I wasn’t meant for love. I’m going to find me
Loved this... The place I get stuck is in regards to touch. I can wrap my arms around myself or stroke my own head, but I cannot experience the energy exchange of touch with another, without an other... I can self massage aches and pains, but I cannot reach all parts of my body, nor lean my weight transfer into my body, because I must work against my own tension and not only does it not feel the same, but it doesn't get anywhere close to the same results. I simply cannot fix in my own tissue what I can for clients. I have to hire another therapist to work on me... So all of the inner work with self is necessary, but no matter how much solitude I go contemplating in, I cannot give these things to myself. They require someone outside of me to occur... So how the heck do I self source that?
You cannot really love another until you heal, so how the heck do you do that? I think you’re right on the $. Both are needed. To heal yourself sometimes we need to heal w another person as well. Ester Perel talks about how we can also heal and learn and unwind with another person, it just needs to be intentional with someone that is also open to talking an working through things. I think the distinction of creating more chaos and triggers vs conscious intimacy is made by first acknowledging our triggers and what our wounds are, “I feel _______ when someone does this_________”. What does that feeling remind you of in childhood either before moving into a relationship or when one ends is also a ripe moment for this practice. So for me I used to feel abandoned or unloved or not worthy when someone didn’t keep plans with me, didn't call back or was flaky. They may have their own busy schedule, an upset at work or with a loved one, or their own depression, anxiety or triggers they were working on. But before in my head, it was, ‘I’m not really lovable.’ Once I felt that fully, instead of distracted, or numbed or disengaged, or made myself wrong for it or beat myself up or felt guilty bc of my parents upbringing..all the should’s on myself (Lisa Nichols:) Just felt it, then I asked myself what feeling that felt like in childhood? It was clear that it was from my mom who wasn’t emotionally capable, and also my sister who was always hot and cold with me. I went through a meditation (Vishen’s 6 phase) where I engulfed the feeling of what I am grateful for, and then set up a forgiveness place with my guides and asked them that I only speak with love without any shame, blame or anger. I asked my mom and then my sister to come into the circle, and with each, I felt what I had felt, told them how it affected me.I envisioned them telling me their own hurts and wounds and that it was not intentional. I then envisioned this electric blue light coming out of my heart and theirs until I could just love them for who they are and envisioned them so happy, blessed and in beautiful relationships full of joy. (This is hard to do without first feeling fully the pain you felt) Everything comes up and out if you let it. If you keep numbing, distracting or disengaging, it keeps coming up or being a trigger. I did not get up from my meditation until I could just want to bless them everytime they popped into my head. This exercise was super powerful and the other I would suggest if you are triggered or have difficulties in relationships, (which we all do) is to then ask yourself what you needed as a child, deeply desire now and how to give it to yourself. So for me, my mom was never able to be a mom to me, and I envisioned my sister being someone that could be close with, but she was a child herself without a mom and didn’t want to have to deplete herself and be one to me. I wanted connection and closeness and someone that felt like a mom and someone that felt like a sister. So I made a point of making friends with women that could be like sisters, and looked at how I can also support and love them. (MAKE SURE THEY ARE STABLE and fill their own cup up as well most of the time.) I also intentionally sought out older women that we could share this space of their wisdom and my youth, and I made the effort by continuing to call and text and open up and be soft. In this way you can heal with other people, it is with stable people that are aware of their own wounds and have found some modalities to heal, and by asking yourself how you are showing up in the relationship you have created with them. Try it out, would love your feedback!! It has made me not fear my own voice or rocking the boat when my needs are not met, and helped really heal that space of desire for connection for me, so that in a romantic relationship I am both giving and receiving, asking how I am showing up as well as what we both need. I don’t feel triggered anymore when someone has their own life, and have compassion now as well as able to speak to my needs without a blowout.
@Amber: ask the universe to hold you and support at night when you're feeling alone in bed. It sounds weird, but it works. I've been single for 4 years after a nearly 11 year severely abusive relationship, sometimes nights are really hard. I ask the universe to hold me and make me feel loved. A sense of peace comes over me every time. I also ask and pray for clarity on how i can be connected and supported on the deepest level of my being.
@@practical.emotions Thank you so much for such a beautifully detailed reply. It sounds like we're drawn to similar circles. In my childhood, as the middle girl between two boys, I ached for a sister. I fell in love with The Parent Trap movie and I wished it was possible that I could go off to camp and discover she existed, but my parents were together, so I told myself since it's not possible to be a twin, I wanted to have them one day... And I did. By myself. My mom was great when I was little, before our roles reversed. She had purpose with little ones. Once we didn't need her as much, she lost herself and I became the parent. So much of my childhood wounds, I've set out to face and heal, but there seems to be more to it than awareness and a choice to forgive... I mean, everything that happened makes sense. The mistaken conclusions I drew in my innocent child mind and even the challenge I presented them felt softer when I imagined it from the perspective of being a parent myself. I found a space of compassion, and blame no longer feels appropriate. The story only serves to understand how my journey has evolved... And with all of that, I still drew the experience of reactivating the pain of the inguinal hernia I had at age 5, and there was nothing my logical mind could to manage the flood of guilt and shame the physical pain released... There I was, 37 years later, thinking I'd healed and released those emotions, but there they were, completely hijacking my body and mind. It leaves me feeling a little bit lost, in a good way... Because I've set out to heal and grow and serve others. I've been at it a long time, and now must admit I need help, because all of my best efforts have lead me to keep repeating the lessons. And there's nothing wrong with picking up a school book and seeing how much self-learning one can manage, only to realize they need the help of a teacher to comprehend it... So that's where I'm at. I know I like myself. I thought I loved myself too. I learned I have only scratched the surface and I need some guidance to help me understand how to grow from liking to loving myself. You seem like a wonderful influence. It's hard to connect thru RU-vid, but if you want to connect through fb, you can shoot me a message thru my page... You can only friend me if we have a friend in common. If not, there's only an option to follow, but if you PM me I can request you... No attachments. Just an invitation, cuz I really like your energy and your willingness to share so authentically. facebook.com/amberscott24
I have learned so much about relationships in my own. I have been divorced and then in a narcissistic relationship to find someone who taught me that I need to work on myself and let go of the past. I have seen that there is no point in being in a relationship unless it is a team dynamic. I am going to school to be a counselor and I have thought about couples therapy as one of my directions. It is really interesting in the different dynamics and how when we have blinders on we see ourselves as the victim until we open our eyes and see what we created.
After many years of inner turmoil and working very hard in searching for the way out, I came to this wisdom. I just saw this video and dr. Shefali explains it absolutely excellent and with great integrity. I am deeply impressed of someone so capable of explaining this so well in shape and content, I haven't seen someone do this before. I am so very impressed, strong deliverance and her passion to spread the word of Truth is so very commendable. Thank you 🌼🦗
You are the most AMAZIiNG PERSON -A Treasure gifted to us. What a beautiful contribution you are making to awaken us all to be true authentic people. So impressed! Many blessings - much love sent to you from Ireland.
I want to believe that everyone in the audience is now a super couple, super parents and awakened living their truth as a result of this talk. Idealism aside, this talk is POWERFUL. PLEASE watch till the end.
This is excellent information. I do not know how to fix where we are because 5 years is a long time. When your partner will not get help from a doctor, we cannot be fixed.
Great talk. Hard to absorb.. I don't know how many can survive watching this to the end but.. I'm glad there is this video for many of us to watch today because I believe our older generations did not come across these issues in our modern world. Great Wisdom and Sharing.. Thank You sincerely.
Thank God at least I found someone to talk about parenting. I was thinking I am the only one who consider the role of mother is the most important thing in one's life .Right parenting is the biggest important thing in the world but that is taken so for granted. Your parents can make you win or can make you lose especially mothers. I wish I could establish some institution for mothers training one day because the root of every problem and the route to every success is the lap of mother.
OMG !! A complete revolution going on in my mind. Thank you so much 💕 Just a small request- Kindly try to make a video on an ideal behaviour of ourselves with sone examples to have more clarity and future reprimanding
Yesss!!!!! Greatest life experience is knowing yourself!!! 💜🕊🦄 I always hear people say that the greatest experiences involve others, but being a meditator, yogi & teacher for the last couple of decades, I can say 1st hand that there's nothing like living totally aligned with yourself & your soul's true expression. Let's keep talking about these things!!!
Beautiful talk, but not entirely true. It can be found in another person, but it must be consciously discussed. Healing must be sought together. Saying that you absolutely can't get it from another person actually comes from the same childhood trauma: from a deep distrust in other humans. Teal Swan explains this in great detail in her work.
The sense I’m getting watching this is not that we can’t get our needs met in another. The problem is we seek in another what we do not know how to give ourselves. And instead of doing that inner work and looking at what WE can do differently we look at everyone else around us and blame. When she discusses the narcissistic partner the idea is not that her husband is actually a saint, but that therapy is about the client acknowledging the part THEY played and how they can improve themselves. She still selected Steve as a partner and chose to stay with him and enable his behavior. I think that’s the crux of what she’s saying. She can’t control her partner Steve, but she has control over herself.
@@stephelisabeth3143 Absolutely. I agree with all of that. Looking at oneself and doing your own work is absolutely essential. That said, there is one part of the talk where she says the time for getting your needs met as you should have as an infant as past. It's just that one part I disagree with. Therapies have been set up (based on books like The Continuum Concept) which have had great success in actually re-parenting adults as if they were infants and creating major healing for them. So I believe in both: you can do the work yourself, but you can also get that mothering that you missed from someone else. One of the reasons people often can't receive the latter no matter how hard they try is because (1) they're not doing any inner work and don't know how to let that love in, or (2) they're not making a good judgment about who can provide that loving space for them and/or not communicating about what they need which goes back to #1.
What an eye opener, I have some work to do. I have learnt so much, I really needed to hear this today. I have been using others to fill the void. Thank you for sharing 💛
Oh My Gawd... This is Mind Blowing, I am Clapping and Crying, |I am in the beginning go a new relationship and this will probably save it from getting into a loop.
That just takes my belief system to another level. Love without judgement or boundaries is the only love that ever existed. Everything else is just a transaction. Artificial intelligence is what it is, artificial. ✌🏼
Sharon Jackson there’s a natural law in the universe called resonance, your inner work raises your vibration and that resonance will attract others to your vibration.
Such a great video!!!! Thank you dr Shefali. I feel like this was an important step in my self journey. I also shared it with my four daughters and all my closest friends! So great!
Narsisstic personality disorder is a real syndrome , there is only one relationship with these people, and that is enabling their story , because their story is invisible , and secret . It is not an understood story and when it is understood , we will understand what we have been dealing with all along - be kind to yourself , you are dealing with an invisible and misunderstood story - forgive yourself for being involved .
