The relationship expert joined Hollywood actor Peter Stormare in Scandinavian talkshow Skavlan in the fall of 2017. More Skavlan Twitter: / skavlantvshow Facebook: / skavlantalkshow Instagram: / fredrikskavlan
this woman makes some incredible insights about our own natures, @6:22 she starts one of the best clips. It's just mind blowing to hear someone present so precisely and eloquently and without tones of Shame or judgement
Well said. And I agree. I am afraid, however that some couples are unaware they've married a person with an "abusive mentality". Most abusers' best chance in therapy is to work on changing their attitudes toward others and the world. Morals and character aren't relevant to them. Cheaters are abusers.
Thank goodness for people like Esther Perel, smart, emotionally intelligent and, most importantly, not afraid to challenge the norms and expectations of generations of people raised with ideals that just do not fit in our modern emotional world.
It does not matter how special you make your partner feel..if your partner is not happy with him or herself they will never be happy with just one person..This is why they just keep looking for what they feel they are missing..
It's very true. I can relate that's why instead of trying for another relationship, I'm now working on what's missing in myself. It sucks but what needs to be done.
Agree S.F. tired of the cheated be blamed for the cheater. I did Everything for my past partner...helped him even get a job,car on...and on. Still cheated on me and my son that called him "dad." Always complimented him...think it went 2 his head. Fuck relationships
I've been cheated on several times by different people. It gets easier to recover after lots of practice. Get your heart broken and you finally realize that you should love yourself.
"Secrets. Violation of an agreement." "It isnt that you want to leave your person, it is that you want to leave the person that you have become." She is brilliant.
Narcissistic people cheat repeatedly and some people have really bad screw ups. I personally have forgiven cheating before and it never happened agian. Of course to each is own and everyone has the right to walk the the hell away. However, before you do think about if you did something so shitty and knew you were super sorry for it but really wanted to prove you’ve learned your lesson but someone wouldn’t give you that chance. That would really suck ! We are human and no cheating is dead ass wrong - so is a lot of things ppl do but it still happens. You mess up once ok but twice you are OUT!! ✌🏽
Exactly this is it how important is loyalty & faithfulness to that person it has to be that the spouse would rather die then cheat has to not make sense I’d rather end the relationship than cheat I hate cheaters
It's very easy to make a commitment.. not so easy to keep it when circumstances change completely. I guess my ex was only honest when she broke up a week after saying she's committed. Or maybe she felt it wasn't valid anymore because it's all my fault anyways.
Exactly, So do it... leave the person you've become... use this awareness to change who you are as a person instead of using that as an excuse to cheat or not communicate with the one you love...
Yep... I would add that developing understanding about the tendencies of others' attachment styles is of great benefit beyond understanding your own. Following that, learn whether they have proclivities towards narcissistic actions/words when still operating from their attachment styles & measuring whether they can lay down those fear-based interactions and mindsets without them feeling compromised of not having those narcissistic tools they were taught in their childhood or young adult years they grew to erroneously believe would keep them safe, satiated of shallow needs being met to delude themselves while the deeper, more feared need goes unmet. Sounds like continual cycling through attachment style repairs or traumas/enmeshments/codependency ... Hm. Watch 🔥 "Fearful Avoidants: 3 Things That Make You Feel Attraction & How to Overcome Limerence" 🔥 ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-VHfrtjvEVEU.html and... Watch "6 Key Things the Secure Person Does while Dating - What You Can Learn/Adopt! (Part 2 of 2)" ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-HXzZraicd1o.html and plenty more there I've found to put context to my healing from her infidelity, barriers to vulnerability and communication. .... Understanding my ex's inner child has helped me heal so much in ways that take me back to an innocence - being a child when I would see them to forgive them and love them. That awareness has helped me reflect in my own idealizations of her. An interesting turn of events/mindset for me I have to say because I didn't see this kind of transcendence coming... Yet, in spirit, that would have been my goal if we would have stayed together, regardless - to talk about these openly in a safe-space conversation and grown... So here I am being present - congruent with whom I knew myself to be - and I feel a calm peace in knowing I have grown as much and more even though it's not within the vision I had for us to grow alongside each other together. It's enough to feel good about at least realizing my growth and not becoming truncated from our break-up. Best wishes y'all. 👍✌🤟🖖👋
That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him or her so you just dealt with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one-- living and seeing him everyday anticipating when will he or she do it again. Your videos are incredibly well done. No critique, thanks for doing this *brian hacks online*
Don't go through your partner's phone. Not only is it a huge violation of your partner's autonomy but it's also just plain pathetic. Besides what will it get you? You'll either ruin your relationship by finding out they're cheating or ruin your relationship because they weren't but you still didn't trust them and went behind their back. If you feel the need to do this *brian hacks online* all this I saw it's just heart wrecking.
This message is to recognize your contribution to the team’s tracking and spying success. Your commitment had been exemplary and your hard working is an inspiration to everyone around you. You’re a professional *brian hacks online*
@@Veronica-yd5dz I have never known peace like this. It's fascinating. At first I was super lonely, I still get lonely but I try to set myself up and fill my calendar for when I'm not at work, I have few friends...but its enough and its still way better than what I had going....and things are getter better all the time, my health is improving...eating less sugar, exercising, getting fresh air and sunshine, gardening, bought an E-bike, I go on meetup hikes and have lots of friends there too.Shop when I want, eat when I want, thanks for asking!!
@@mmommo-hx4dx glad you’re doing good! You sound like a new woman :) there’s something so liberating about being your own person, on your own terms. Just don’t make the same mistake of getting with a deceitful man. Listen to your intuition. Good luck!! :)
Being good is subjective. Usually all are good according to themselves and many have difficulty seeing themselves in the mirror. However, no one sees them better than their partner.
Your statement is a 100% correct. But how long does the diamond stay a diamond? I've had only 2 diamonds in my past, or so I thought! until they turned out to be plastic at the end. They were better than the rest by far. But I'm sorry to say, there just seems to be too much sorting through dog shit to find the 1:10,000,000 piece of diamond/glass/plastic.
Right , Sad to see that good not volume as good because the ones whose got it doesn't get it . Together is the keys . Equal rights as women respect the man we do need the respect from them as well. Cheating is absolutely not right.
Isnt that the truth? They throw away a gem, in search of a gem. Like they cannot see what they have. That's called not valuing another person Only those with bad character, no morals and no values cheats. Get out of the relationship FIRST. Then go do as you wish.
How does a married person with children get past those commitments enough to cheat? I've never understood this. Even when I was really struggling in my relationship with my husband, I couldn't cheat on my children! It wasn't fair for them to be dragged into a terrible storm I would have created if I had cheated. I am so happy that I was faithful to my family. My husband and I got through the rough times and now we're so happy and our relationship is stronger than ever. We stayed faithful to our family and it has made all the difference. I didn't always see it, but now I see that my husband is my perfect match. He is another version of myself because of his loyalty and commitment to our family. The best relationships come after years of working together and loving and supporting each other through hard times.
If you are not happy just leave the relationship. There is no justification for cheating. If you are in a relationship you accept the boundaries. If you can’t respect boundaries then don’t enter into a relationship.
right. but then people always do. Especially when they are blinded by illusions and fantasies that they want a person for sex only, and they too young, dumb and immature to change their childish, narcisstic n toxic ways. I aint no dummy and i have boundaries w/these guys. I let them know what i wont tolerate and what will happen if they overstep them. I want loyalty and thats what i will get/have or else he can keep on stepping and dont look back b/c Im not going to.
We cannot predict our future actions in a relationship. When our romantic journey begins were are overwhelm with powerful hormones that have a shelf life. Even if you leave the relationship when you face temptation you still hurt the other person. I ponder on what we can do to avoid thise issues before they arise often.
@@TheMoonlitArcade if you know you are facing temptation, walk away. The smart thing to do is never allow yourself to be in a tempting situation to begin with. Don’t play with fire. In the end it never is worth it. Loyalty is a scarce commodity these days. If you have it hold on tight to it.
He is incredibly smart, one of the best character actors I've seen. I forgot all about her (and I love Ester), when I saw him. See Constatine and John Wick.
When I was a child about 6 or 7, my mom and dad divorced because he was having cheating behind her back. They had a terrible fight which I barely remember. When I got older about 15 or 16, I understood better what had happened. I made an early promise to myself that I would finish a relationship before I started another one. I understood that when one cheats, it hurts at least 3 people where there are no children and if you add children, you count each child as being hurt. That's also why I want trust in my relationships. It goes both ways. If I cheat, I lost her trust in me. If she cheats, I can't trust her. Anyways, I'm in a good relationship and happily married for 18 years.
You are a honorable and respectful human being; your spouse and if you have children, they are proud of you. Even if they may not say it; They are thinking it. God be with you and your family.
You're right about actively ending a relationship before starting another one and by that become a cheater. But actually the relationship has ended when you thought another person will give you what you don't get or don't want from your current relationship and were not able to talk earlier to your current partner about your needs. Crushing on someone else can happen, talk to your partner about it and it may go away. Cheating to me is the result of dishonesty or lack of bravery to talk about what you feel. If people's visions of a relationship just don't match (anymore), that's fine, then just end it.
When somebody is a cheater, you could be JLO and guess what will still cheat. They have no confident in themself and love the chase after chase to feel better about themself. It have nothing to do with you but all about them.
Voicu Violeta it’s sure makes it easier that way doesn’t it. A mantra. The tape loops said are sometimes direct quotes out of her book. I would hope that if seen in person for therapy the mantra is different lol.
She's right on point with the part about the lie. . . As soon as the lies start, about the time/relationship you're spending/ having with someone who is not your partner. . . YOU'RE CHEATING!
Sounds like continual cycling through attachment style repairs or traumas/enmeshments/codependency ... Hm. Watch "Fearful Avoidants: 3 Things That Make You Feel Attraction & How to Overcome Limerence" ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-VHfrtjvEVEU.html and... Watch "6 Key Things the Secure Person Does while Dating - What You Can Learn/Adopt! (Part 2 of 2)" ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-HXzZraicd1o.html and plenty more there I've found to put context to my healing from her infidelity, barriers to vulnerability and communication. .... Understanding the child that was inside her and is likely still has helped me heal so much in ways that take me back to an innocence in being a child when I was young to find ways to love even those who were chastised and hated. An interesting turn of events/mindset for me I have to say because I didn't see this kind of transcendence coming... Yet, in spirit, that would have been my goal if we would have stayed together, regardless.... So here I am being present - congruent with whom I knew myself to be - and I feel a calm peace in knowing I have grown as much and more even though it's not within the vision I had for us to grow alongside each other together. It's enough to feel good about at least realizing my growth and not becoming truncated from our break-up. Best wishes y'all. 👍✌🤟🖖👋
I layed my hand on my spouse's shoulder and said to him, "Be born again in the name of Jesus." And he has been believing in God ever since. He is more respectful now, he isn't always out trying to cheat on me anymore. Also, I heard of people being delivered from smoking and drug addiction through water baptism. It changed them forever more. They haven't touched drugs, smoking or alcohol for 20 or more years. I know people who were on the verge of suicide , overwhelmed with guilt, depression, anxiety, and hurt, all they could do was cry out to God, "God please save me!" And God heard there simple prayer and at that moment He turned them into true believers in God and Christ. They walked away from that prayer full of hope and joy of the Lord and not lost in sin any more. So please find a christian church and ask them for a water baptism service and bring your spouse and loved ones in need of deliverance. Pray to God every day never give up, He listens I know. Respect and honor God cuz He wants to give you good things. Tell your loved ones to just pray to God , "God please save me." He will save them from despair.
That is when I know in my heart I have crossed a line - when I feel inclined to lie about time / relationship with the other person. That is the precise and exact moment the cheating begins - not only cheating my partner but cheating myself. That is also the precise time to stop, pull my head in and focus on the person I am committed to
Because the nature of relationships between men and women is to procreate, men and women should know this and learn to respect boundaries, both for themselves and others.
so the innocent person doesnt really and truly have a monogamous relationship. i dont think. Its just a partnership. For the kids, for economical reasons or whatever. Its not a "relationship" in the true sense of the word n i would not call it that.
As Joni Mitchell said so well “ If you want endless repetition, see a lot of different people. If you want infinite variety, stay with one. What happens when you date is you run all your best moves & tell all your best stories - &, in a way, that routine is a method for falling in love with yourself over & over” .
Once you cross that boundary and seek emotional connection and validation from another person it’s a choice that will forever change a partnership. You can’t love and respect your marriage if you’re enjoying the attention and validation from the opposite sex.
I have watched and listened to many interviews of this Dr. She is a very interesting and intelligent women. She really explains things well and talks about both sides of an affair and cheating.
The grass is greener to the cheater. They are the ones out on the "greener grass ". Maybe they should just leave the grass they do not feel is green anymore instead of killing it.
@@Willy_Tepes well it takes two to cheat so is they both go that's two less in the world. but the Islam thing isn't it all about force and threats so that doesn't change how woman truly are because it seems there nature is to cheat so the force that's put on them doesn't work just like boose and drugs choosing not to do it because that's who you are as apposed to just not doing it because it's legal says volumes about the individual, rather then a mindless slave to authority
*Johnsonspy* , you're one of my favorite people on this planet.. (And I don't even know you personally). The way in which you present your work, the content and the access is just awesome. Thank you!! This project is unbelievably amazing and thanks for presenting my the access with so much positivity!! All the best from Germany....!!!!!!
baby Am Ben easygoing person I like good and do good I like friends that have understanding and fun to be with I love arts, museum and music l lunch luxury every Eve I compose poem and scripts am a civil engineer and a contractor I work for company and I work in Asia,africa,and Europe I need a woman who understands What love is all about, to be my own I saw your picture and I am impressed you're beautiful and baby you shines like a diamond springs In Sky nicely like flowers in the garden of Eden's I close my eyes all I is you at first sight I felt the energy of Sun rays angel'wings written love on it I love you so much baby I want a wonderful woman will love me and know who I am and be mine forever i hope You will reply soonest thanks
@@Jy-xq2ew Bullshit. The cheater alone is to blame. If they had any honor and integrity they would have ended their "unsatisfying" relationship prior to starting a new one. In this way they eliminate being a cheater.
@@darinvee4980 im sorry you were cheated on. I have been cheated on.. I think we all. At some point were cheated on.. " sure i expect someone to chime in a say " not me".. Anyway. The idea of a relationship is to get to know eachother. No spend time together.. We get carried away with dates. Events. Holidays. As if that time constitutes "getting to know each other"... Your just hanging out.. Its fun. Its exciting. You just caught up in the moment.. Your not really learning about yourselves... Thats why you missed the signs
Unless she believes it herself, she will continue to seek it out. Cheaters are cowards - hiding behind secrecy and not being able to speak up (if dissatisfied with the primary relationship)
There's nothing you will ever do to keep someone from cheating on you and it may be the smallest thing that triggers it I was married for 20 years and nine cheated on me when I asked her why she said honestly I don't have an answer now maybe she was just lying but I don't know but what I really do to stop it if they want to cheat they're going to cheat same thing with you if you want to cheat you're going to cheat. I would just hope I would have the courage to go to my significant other ahead of time and say look I am probably going to end up doing this so I'm letting you know that you know this is probably over I just don't break your heart.
True - I don't buy that "it just happens" - it's a choice (and for serial philanderers, it's a lifestyle). I think Bill Clinton said it honestly (ironic, I know) - " I did it because I could" . It's about sense of entitlement.
@@davidsummers8723 indeed. I am sorry, these types have no conscience & often enjoy hurting others. A former partner of 4 years was a serial cheat unbeknowns to me when I met him & fell for his charm. Very quickly I found he was an angry, violent control freak who micro managed me, kept tabs on my every movement & the catalyst to my leaving was being held against my will when he took my keys & locked me in a room, only to spit, kick, slap & verbally abuse me when I said it was over. Scared the hell out of me when he kept sending messages that he was going to harm my children so I had to get a restraining order. He's long gone now. Most despicable man I've ever met. Now I have peace.
So many Truths spoken. Infidelity hurts, it's not just about being "wrong", and it effects more than the 2 people in the relationship. Affairs are about feeling "the erotic energy of aliveness" and has nothing to do with the health of the relationship. "It isn't just because you want to leave the person you are with, it is because you want to leave the person you have yourself become. And it isn't just that you want to meet somebody else but you want to meet another self. There is no greater Other than a different version of yourself." She pulled no punches and was honest and raw, and funny. Thank you so much!
rajesh mishra I did not say it was positive or negative. I did not pass judgment on what she spoke and I don't think SHE said or spun infidelity any positive light. She spoke on it about it being hurtful, morally devastating, on a SYSTEMIC BROAD LEVEL. YOU SHOULD LISTEN BETTER.
This thing also fits better for any criminal who do any criminal activity, because he dont want to be any good for anyone because person doesnt like situation. It doesnt mean if person changes personal self and you define it well and suddenly it become different thing. It is still the same thing and should have been not done. If you explain it more there is only room for your explanation is in direction of justifying it towards less wrong.
I hope you relisten until you see that she is an expert and this IS so helpful, BECAUSE there is ABSOLUTELY NO JUSTIFICATION!!!! And she does not pass judgement! You hear judgement, sir. That is called projection, in psychological terminology. And, I hope that in learning this you can grow. When something like this "speaks" to us in this way, in which we "hear" things that are not, in actuality, spoken, there, it is our projection of our hurt or anger, or resentment into the translation of that conversation or message (or event). We do this , as human beings, very often, subconsciously, it is very hard not to do. In this video, she explains the ways things happen, the hurt, and the actors and the behaviours and the feelings of guilt, shame, and all of the destruction that occurs; she speaks the hard truths of the desires within us that we do not like to admit. She also speaks at the societal level to say that we, as a society, are deeply enabling, wrong thinking. So, my friend in humanity, I hope you look at why you feel so alarmed by this woman speaking so frankly and honestly, to educate. Her words specifically: "never minimize this." While also, in opening this discourse marriages and relationships may have the opportunity to change. She fosters growth, reflection, love, and really honest relationships that can nurture and be life-giving to those relationships they touch. She only says that she, personally, does not ascribe to one love-of-your-life type of expectation in trying to have relationships. And, she distinguished that in the modern world and different cultures there are very different ways of viewing and taking that; however, it seemed to be saying that regardless of what you "hope" one-love-for-life or not, or many, in the end there is hurt when it does not work out; and the only option is to be as true with your feelings as possible. To be monogamous with who you are with, respecting the relationship as agreed upon between you and your partner privately and individually; because, that is not for YOU to decide for someone else. Good luck to you. Please, open your mind.
Charity eroticism as Esther explains is life and aliveness. Dolphins and humans are unique in having sex for pleasure but only humans experiences eroticism which is primarily mental.
10:25 Such a GREAT analogy! *"Have you shown up?* You work here. You're very invested in this project. You're super attentive to me. You're charming. You're funny. *When you go home, is this the guy that goes home? Or, is it the left-overs that you bring home?"*
4:42 Dr. Perel gets it. My wife and I (Christian couple) had this conversation 20 years ago. She felt guilty because she found another man (a teacher in her training program for a new job) desirable. That's it - all in her mind, she hadn't even spoken to him about it. For context, I think like an engineer because I am one, and this was no different. I told her: "So? I find other women desirable too, probably much more often than you find other men desirable. Why? Men are visual creatures; young women in this society are constantly making themselves up to be attractive, so the temptation is constantly being introduced. That's not cheating - that's called not being dead. Our minds are, among other things, problem solving tools. In our minds, nothing is off limits, because nothing happens in the real world because of it unless we make a choice to bring it into being. This is something most people don't realize. Is there an INTENTION there, or just examination of a wouldn't-it-be-nice scenario? It's a fine line, but a distinct one." The Bible is written in metaphor. I really started to understand it a lot better and apply it to life better when I realized this. So we come to Matthew 5:30: "But I say unto you that whosoever looketh on a woman, to lust after her, hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." As I see it, this is a warning against allowing what's a simple attraction/daydream/desire to turn into an intention that leads to infidelity. This is why my wife and I agreed, after this conversation, that even flirting is cheating (anything further than a one-off ha-ha type that no one takes seriously, and even then we agree it's best to avoid misunderstandings), because you are _advertising a sexual availability_ deliberately (intended), which crosses the line - you have now expressed those thoughts into the physical Universe. The wisdom of the Bible here is in knowing the seeds of infidelity start with the passing thought, and before you know it: "oh no, I didn't mean to sleep with ___!" Given the Bible has been translated, and in so doing the cultural connotations are lost, we have to make up the difference by practical application in real life. The key is it has to be workable while preserving the spirit of the message being communicated. Anyhow, she felt much better about the whole thing after our discussion. Still married now, 22 years, 28 total together, and we have 2 teenaged boys (who look like Xerox copies of me.) She still gets excited to see me when I come home from work, and I'm glad to see her too. Defining, agreeing to and knowing the boundaries saves a whole lot of unnecessary heartache.
Best comment I have seen so far, very smart, looking is one thing, but when u go out directly to look and give out your number knowing you are married and carry on a full dialog with this person on the phone days at a time, and not even giving your spouse that attention and time, says alot..
Sorry but I hate your comment. You're talking about how you have one-up on your wife because you're constantly lusting after young women, but it's not your fault, it's the way they're dressed? Then you're spouting off bible verses left, right, and centre? Yuck, glad you're not my husband. 🤢🤮 Didn't the bible also tell you you should be poking out your eyeballs if you're lusting after other women? Yeah, you can keep your lust-filled hypocrisy 🙄
How powerful is it to see the attentiveness of these men; the respect, openness (via body language) and the respect to not interrupt or minimize Esther at any given point-nor has she minimized either gender in her examples. What an amazing segment. My mind is blown by the powerful information and discussion ! 👏🏿👏🏿
Oh it's 100% normal for men to listen and be attentive when a woman speaks. Why do you think men spend a lifetime asking women what they want yet never get an answer. This woman isn't avoiding questions. She's not making men guess what she is thinking.
@@11Garrett11 Well that is the trend in all this: "Why bother 'partnering' if s/he is eventually going to cheat anyway?" Effecting the destruction of family feminists attain to-- in favor of godless state-supported sport fuckery.
@@geoffreyokrongly916 Not true. I did that and he them wanted a threesome. He went to a prostitute who also refused to do that. I divorced him. It should be an equal relationship with 2 people. He never wore wigs for me.
After my marriage my wife became withdrawn after a year of marriage. She worked 16 hour shifts in the Hospital. I worked 8 to 5. When I was on call which happened daily. My wife began to hate being touched. So we both just left our marriage this way. I stayed in love with her. She put on airs at work with her her colleagues that she was happily married. I put on dinners with wine and candles. When she invited friends over I made sure they were felt welcome but stayed to myself. I was very lonely. Then after 31 years of this she was diagnosed with lung cancer. I took great care of her. Bathed her, fed her. Washed her, gave her medicines to her. One day she said she was sorry. I did not reply. I held her un my arms as she passed away. I told her I love her. I still feel like a third wheel.
You should have spoken up. In what reality is not being to touch your wife for 31 years a good idea??? Like 1 week is already pushing it dont you think?
Everyone always says, "Take the high road". In a lot of cases, it's great advice, leads you straight to God's grace. And the occasional "killing with kindness" to rude people is alright. However, when the other person is psychologically abusive, or when psychological suffering is occurring, then in those cases taking the high road only leads to waste. Pearls to swine. You took the high road every time. God bless you. But the other person was too low. As soon as there was something wrong with touching her, that should have been dealt with because that's very serious. Either she faked her affection before, in order to get you to marry her, or, something you supposedly did must have offended her. As long as your touch was not always with an agenda every time, if you know what I mean, then she should have enjoyed hand-holding, an arm around her, and other affection, as well as gotten along in more ways. You might do better with a Gemini. They are very communicative, non-confrontational and like affection. They also don't get uncomfortably deep in things. Usually.
I feel for you. I have no solution to this, but I also don't think it's necessarily wrong to stay in such a relationship. The question is - do you get something out of this relationship that outweighs the absence of physical connection? What was the thing that you were seeking in the relationship in the first place? Did you want to be a friend, a faithful husband, a supportive partner in a broad sense of the word? Than you achieved your goal. But to be honest, things like should be addressed, because there is no worse way to handle a problematic situation than just not talk about it.
Leo R nshung this exactly what I came to comment about. She is far too intellectual for them, can’t even keep up. The questions the interviewer had were kinda awful especially how they never were smooth out his mouth.
I don't do 'number two' in front of my wife .... am i cheating twice a day für 23 years now? ( ... or just shitting? ;-) ) This formula sounds appealing and has some value but is more like a cookie fortune.
@@petermuller7079 oh my....u dint get the finer point that TheMrmoc7 was trying to make did u? Nobody is stopping u from shitting in front of ur wife...u can definitely do it if u want to. But if u are purposefully hiding and backtracking on things just to make sure ur partner/wife doesnt know... thats cheating.
+S V Oh, i really think, i got the point. :-D But my point - and i think you just supported it - was: It is i little more complex in reality than a 1-sentence-in-2-seconds recipe. Also i think that some kind of 'privacy' and 'secrecy' has to be maintained even in the best of all relationships. Not all dark thoughts are good to be revealed to each other and 'some things can never be made unseen'.... So i think the 'contract approach' of Esther Perel can be valuable for some people.
@@petermuller7079 so ur saying that there are some dark thoughts that ur wife doesnt know, is it? Thats fine too. We all are allowed our personal privacy. The fine point u dint get here is that:- if ur wife doesnt know and someone else like ur friend does.....or best friend or cousin or whoever then my friend..thats cheating . And when there are things that cant be unseen or really dark- its ok to hold them inside of u as long it doesn't eat u up. When it does...its better to share it with ur partner (for those in a relationship) or anyone close to u ( for those who arent)
+S V I totally agree with you .... but do you see the difference between you/our definition and TheMrmoc7's '...If you're doing something you wouldn't do in front of your significant other, that's cheating...'? And his pejorative statement '....That took me 2 seconds....'? THAT's what i opposed to. Sometimes 'short and easy' is TOO short and easy
I agree with that. I also don't believe that we should stay in unhealthy relationships for the sake of children. I believe that is far more detrimental to the child than divorce. You set the kid up with a model for relationships that isnt real. They grow up in dysfunction and dont even know it.
Monogamy is a choice you make. Even if you are tempted to cheat, If you value and TRUELY love that person you will behave unselfishly and leave the temptation behind.
I truely don't believe in marriage, I will explain why. In life we desire the things we aren't allowed to have. For example in my life I've server 14 months in the army, it wasn't by choice because it was mandatory and I was getting 1 day a week outside. No watches no nothing, just the plain choice, sleep to make for the lack of sleep? or go out and have fun? I always chose to have fun. See when you marry someone you get the impression of being trapped in a cell and that's what ruins a relationship(amongst other things ofcourse).
@@agee7777 that's why you *take turns,* fool! shut the door, do your business, *flush,* open a windows & spray some pure essential oil water in the air if need be.. then open the door and say, *NEXT!!* 😁😁😁😁
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I hope you can, but remember it takes "work", so if you decide to have a marriage, make it a priority to find someone who also wants it to last AND remember to be willing to sacrifice/compromise/work to keep going.
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Lissy London cause that’s actually part of the marriage contract. Here’s how I see it: there’s some 8 billion people on the planet and I chose my significant other and she chose me. It’s something very special. In a world of so much variety imagine being chosen and loved so faithfully..it’s sacred.
I like the part she says, " if you're having an affair, it's either something missing in our relationship, or there's something missing in you". Cheaters definitely have something missing in them, most of the time.
I think you missed her primary point. She uses that line as a straw person argument and refutes it right after - she says, "this symptom model defies the true stories of people." The whole argument is to realize that its not helpful (or accurate) to assume that your primary partner is actively working against you, but that they, for some reason, are transgressing their *own* boundaries - likely because they want a new version of themselves.
I would only think that someone would do this is to feel dangerous or daring. Human instinct perhaps is to crave that spark of the unknown to challenge our capabality and sense of vigor or fire that burns within us.
Joe Barrey no, it’s experiencing oneself deeply or differently. That matters, a different part of self, And it could be very rare to find. A stray screw does not do that. A stray screw will be surface. Circumcision reduces ability to bond.
Hm. As we are "not born lovers" , we are, nevertheless, highly affected / constrained by attachment styles (later dictating our affections) which we don't come into this world with, either. ....Sounds like continual cycling through attachment style repairs or traumas/enmeshments/codependency ... Hm. Watch "Fearful Avoidants: 3 Things That Make You Feel Attraction & How to Overcome Limerence" ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-VHfrtjvEVEU.html and... Watch "6 Key Things the Secure Person Does while Dating - What You Can Learn/Adopt! (Part 2 of 2)" ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-HXzZraicd1o.html and plenty more there I've found to put context to my healing from her [emotional?] infidelity, barriers to vulnerability and communication. .... Understanding the child that was inside her and is likely still has helped me heal so much in ways that take me back to an innocence in being a child when I was young to sense and find ways to love even those who were chastised and hated. An interesting turn of events/mindset for me I have to say lately because I didn't see this kind of transcendence coming... Yet, in spirit, that would have been my goal if we would have stayed together, regardless.... So here I am being present - congruent with whom I knew myself to be - and I feel a calm peace in knowing I have grown as much (and more yet to come) even though it's not within the vision I had for us to grow alongside each other together. It's enough to feel good about at least realizing my growth and not becoming truncated from our break-up. Best wishes y'all. 👍✌🤟🖖👋
The last statement: wow! Because we tend to behave this way. Imagine how polite, how sweet or proper we are in public to total stranger yet terrible towards the ppl we claim to love. We really gotta stop it. Be charming, be more loving, more considerate towards the ppl closest to us. Pow!
Serena Quaye Yes! "If you have only one smile in you, give it to the people you love. Don't be surly at home, then go out in the street and start grinning 'Good morning' at total strangers." - Maya Angelou
That's a BIG reason people cheat; they don't get respected at home. That's why I did it and I'm still trying to get the ungrateful bitch out if my house.. I feel sorry for her. We were married 25 years. I put her through college and then a teaching credential but she didn't take any teaching kind because she decided she didn't like it. I should have moved out to live with my new lover but I didn't want to hurt my wife, who is so hung up on fidelity that shed be destroyed. I wanted to protect get from that, even after she just used me ad a resource. Believe me, there are FAR WORSE CRIMES in a marriage than infidelity
12:12 This is a "great" way to break up with someone & shows a lot of empathy. After being cheated on, I've learned just how much I appreciate that break up talk instead of a cheating talk.
Great video! Take-away to avoid getting cheated on (the piece that is in your control anyway): most people commit affairs to feel alive- seen, appreciated, special. What are you saying and doing that shows your significant other that you are choosing them every day? How do you let them know why you choose them? Also she was 💯 right at the end about kids not wanting divorce unless it’s exceptionally bad. She called bs on that fast.
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Comfortable. No need for self reflection. Esther Perel in another talk: why is it that the focus is so much on cheating and not on multiple divorces? In the US divorce rate is 50% in first mariages and 55% in the second. My advice would be to listen to what this lady has to say about schifting moralities in our modern society. It helped me a lot to understand my and my partner’s roles in my former relationships and my present.
Nancy, My Mom always says, Give them a inch they will take a mile. In other words, the more you forgive them the more they cheat. They get the mind set that you love them so much that you actually forgave them for cheating, when they cheat again you will forgive them, because you love them that much. My Mom also says, one time can be looked on as you made a mistake, but the second time, you've made cheating a habit. My opinion is this, if any one wants to stay with a cheating spouse stay, but if you want the respect you deserve, leave them, give them what they really want, everyone but you.
Cheated on multiple times only solution is divorce they mistook my kindness for weakness n what I found out is that if they do it once they will do it again for the plain n simple fact that you allow it you allow them to disrespect you , once may be people make mistakes but after more than one it’s no accident it’s a choice n you owe to yourself to not let anyone disrespect you , fallow the golden rule they wouldn’t like it if you did it to them so why are you tolerating such disrespect from someone ? So you are ok knowing he or she is cheating on you right now? This is something you wil allow?if children are involved is this the type of thing you are teaching them and it’s ok with you ? You need to love and respect yourself and if letting go of this evil person who KEEPS cheating on you is the only answer than so be it , love yourself respect yourself don’t tolerate hate or disrespect from anybody if they do it once they will do it again. This isn’t love cheating on some one is not love let go and move on as hard as it may be you need to let go because what broke you will never fix you n hurt people hurt people you need time to heal so you can find someone who truly cares about you . God bless and best of luck to anybody who’s ever been torn apart like this .
Only if they are a particular type of person. As you heard, most betrayals are after many, many years of honesty. But yes, there are people who are just born cheaters and do it all the time. I think most of us have known someone like that. But it seems that most people don't intend to be like that and something goes wrong later.
I'm most sure that Brandon of *Johnson spy* is the solitary individual here that is really ready to complete this without any kind of grumble, I'm genuinely thankful to him for since, supposing that it weren't for him I wouldn't have discovered that my sweetheart was not the slightest bit steadfast from the beginning
I love her. She's so we'll spoken and articulate. Lots of good points. P.s. I'm not watching this as a cheater. I'm the one who was cheated ON and I'm about to realize this is very true
So true! If there is no remorse and they belittle it and tell you it didn’t happen even though you have proof, it’s time to move on. Been there done that
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