How to Fix an Anxious-Avoidant Relationship - A Man's Guide

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Got a LOT of requests for this one! Relationships between anxious attachment and avoidant attachment folks are actually quite common. They can also be extremely tough. Listen in for what they're like, why the patterns are hard to break, and how to move towards a secure, grounded partnership.
(00:00:00) - Intro, what characterizes the anxious-avoidant dance, and why there’s no “villain”
(00:04:08) - Why that dance is so strong
(00:08:31) - Examples of the anxious-avoidant dynamic
(00:13:13) - Can anxious-avoidant relationships actually work, how to know if it won’t, and how to END the dance
(00:17:21) - The “protest and punishment” behaviors, and how to self-identify if you’re the anxious partner
(00:22:00) - How to self-identify if you’re the avoidant one
(00:27:54) - So what do you to? Tips for the anxious
(00:34:02) - Tips for the avoidant
(00:39:24) - What to do together
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27 июн 2024

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Комментарии : 275

@denisecatlett7203 28 дней назад

When the Anxious person never gets what they are looking for they become an Anxious avoidant. This dynamic is so painful and can go on for decades.

@mozhy5013 22 дня назад

No, an avoidant never tells you that "I am gonna have my own time", they just simply disappear and when they come back just give bunch of craps as a excuses

@isayafiola8853 26 дней назад

Anxious and avoidant styles are like the rabbit and turtle story. Anxious people are furiously looking for solutions on the internet like obssessed maniacs while avoidants are in their turtle shells letting their relationships collapse around them too afraid to expose themselves 😭

@queenprotein 21 день назад

Perfectly said

@vanessacarlos8582 16 дней назад

great analogy!

@nathanwavichian2354 15 дней назад

So true !

@iamindiachanae 8 дней назад

👏🏽👏🏽

@joannemonique9039 4 дня назад

😅😅😅 I can agree

@DawnMercer-zf1rw 27 дней назад

Ironically if I shared this video or tried to watch with them, it would be a bid for connection and be avoided and taken as an attack

@chris51385 27 дней назад

True

@SunshineAndSnowflakes 20 дней назад

Of course they would. How would you feel if your partner showed you videos about your anxious attachment and all of the unhealthy things that come with it? I wish people would stop dating people they're not emotionally compatible with because all that happens is you end up unfulfilled and also try fixing someone who is not looking to be fixed. We should accept our partners for who they are or not stay.

@DawnMercer-zf1rw 20 дней назад

@@SunshineAndSnowflakes I do watch them, I try to fix myself, I also tried to get them to move out but funnily enough, they buried their head in the sand and still haven't moved out a year later

@leaaugusta9924 10 дней назад

@@SunshineAndSnowflakesDid you miss the part about them being strongly attracted to each other?

@leaaugusta9924 10 дней назад

I'm laughing and crying at the same time because it's so true!

@V-effect 2 месяца назад

A few months back, I discovered I have an anxious attachment when I ended up catching feelings for a avoidant attached person. It was absolute hell on earth, especially when she rejected me after expressing my feelings to her and she ended up dating a toxic person a month later. But I discovered that this all happened because of unhealed trauma from my childhood, resulting me to be attracted to emotionally unavailable people.

@dawnstonerock4253 Месяц назад

I pray you continue on your own journey of healing. You deserve better. Much love from Texas ❤

@V-effect Месяц назад

@@dawnstonerock4253 Thank you so much! This really means a lot since I have no support group while on this healing journey. There are times where it's really difficult. It just hurts so much, especially since I really cared about her. Yet she just completely ignores me and runs away from me when I run up to her every now and then. My heart drops every time she does this. But I'm just focusing on myself and moving on.

@V-effect Месяц назад

@@dawnstonerock4253Thank you so much! This really means a lot, especially since I have no support group while on my healing journey. It can be very difficult at times going through this alone. It just really hurts so much sometimes because I really cared about her. Now, she avoids and ignores me and even runs away when we encounter each other in public. My heart drops every time she does this. But I'm currently just focusing on myself and learning to move on and just learn and grow from the experience.

@Burnerbaby Месяц назад

I’m going to use this as an aid to begin the repair process in my marriage. My wife is an anxious attachment type and I am very much avoidant but more self aware and willing to communicate than many it would seem. I probably owe that to more than half a decade of therapy. I know my avoidance and inability to emotionally regulate stems from childhood neglect and as much as I love space, solitude, and freedom, I love my wife more. I see a lot of avoidants who have really hurt their partners in the comments and while I’ve hurt my wife in many ways, I have not gone as far as a lot of folks and would like to avoid that. Thank you for this. It will be a useful tool.

@IvonaFlakus Месяц назад

So beautiful, this made me teary eyed 🥹🙏 It’s all about the fight to be better ♥️🫶🏼

@chimichurri2612 Месяц назад

you would like to avoid? 😮😮😅

@chimichurri2612 Месяц назад

@@IvonaFlakus😢😢 sad woman

@alice-hp7dh Месяц назад

Can I ask you something? Do you live with her? Do you felt in love? Do you give her some verbal appreciation? Because I have a situationship with a man who said to me that he likes me but don't want to be official, that he wasn't in love ( but he also said he never was with anyone), that I'm not enough feminine for him and we have two work life incompatibles. But he still reach me after 4 years of push and pull, especially for sex. Maybe he Is an avoidant narcissist 😞

@sarahkercheval8964 Месяц назад

Good for you for going to therapy and taking it seriously. But how the heck did your wife get you to start therapy?????? 🤔 so many avoidant men have shame or something around therapy and they refuse to even talk about it 😢

@CryptoTaurusMoon Месяц назад

An avoidant can make the most secure person feel anxious with the pulling away, flaw finding, secrecy, and withholding of intimacy. In a normal relationship, these types of behaviors are borderline abusive. The way an avoidant is in the beginning, compared to the way they are in the end, is schizophrenic. There's a reason there are so many negative comments about avoidants.

@hspinnovators5516 Месяц назад

Their brain chemistry issues help to depersonalize it

@surgeonvicryl4872 Месяц назад

most of them suffer from mental problem, best the couple seek prof help together.

@t4d7 Месяц назад

If you called my schizophrenic I would avoid you too 😂

@brookethomas468 29 дней назад

@@t4d7Ofc you would but ngl it does look kinda crazy and unrealistic on the outside. The idea of having a relationship but avoiding what comes with having a relationship makes no sense. Wanting so much space you never speak or not allowing someone you might or are spending the rest of your life with not get to know you is wild

@eggslonker 22 дня назад

The thing people don't get is they think avoidance means numbness, like they're being cold calculated and cruel. They're not, they hurt just as much if not more, it's just very repressed, it's like pulling your hand back from a hot burner -- automatic self preservation. It needs to be addressed, but certain reactions by anxious types only exacerbate it

@Cre8Fire34 2 месяца назад

While it may not be a "moral thing" - some of the gaslighting, cruelty, dishonesty, flaw- finding, stonewalling - is immoral, and often cruel.

@skaziblu Месяц назад

there is gaslighting in the form of invalidation of someone elses perspective which most people view as "gaslighting". or theres actual gaslighting like "that never happened". im not a psychologist but based off what ive been read/told there is a distinct difference, and a lot of people are getting them crossed. these things are morally flawed absolutely, but if we even research what happens when we build resentment.. these traits will come out in someone regardless and thats why most divorces aren't exactly amicable.

@kognitivescientist Месяц назад

@@skazibluthere should be respectful disagreement while keeping in place another person’s right to have another position/opinion. Devaluing, minimizing, calling stupid etc - just another narcissistic/manipulative methods Together with gaslighting, they usually go together. Gaslighting = any type of denying the reality (not only factual, but also emotional, - all feelings, thoughts, everything about another person’s world. That’s why it’s very narrow to understand it only as denying facts of material reality . Inner reality matters as much.

@hspinnovators5516 Месяц назад

Yes many are not ethical

@Giannina-LoveThemAll Месяц назад

Exactly what I was thinking. Stone-walling is cruel.

@ninjycoon Месяц назад

@@skaziblu Originally, gaslighting was specifically convincing someone not to trust their own perception of reality. Nowadays people use it to mean any form of invalidation of their perspective. It's gotten so bad you can't even personally disagree with someone's perspective without being accused of gaslighting.

@toothlessdragon644 2 месяца назад

I have an anxious attachment and my BF is avoidant. I’ve been searching because I don’t think my BF is a monster. I understand we both have issues. This has been by far the best video on these two attachment styles. Keep up the good work and keep those videos coming.😊

@4AmazingMusic Месяц назад

You don't wanna be married to avoidant and with kids. Believe me. There's never enough self-sufficiency, you end up so soulmurderous lonely.

@SunshineAndSnowflakes 20 дней назад

@@4AmazingMusic it depends on the avoidant person and your level of needs. I predominantly date avoidant men and have had good experiences. Mine still chases me after 4 years of dating. Very loving and giving. It took about a year for him to let his walls down, but he did. Neither of us believe in marriage but we are monogamous.

@kognitivescientist Месяц назад

Criticizing and flaw-seeking is a no-no with a person who already has a low self-esteem.

@mgn1621 7 дней назад

Flaw finding occurs I believe when the avoidant starts to feel close and vulnerable. So it pushes the other person away

@chris51385 27 дней назад

I can say this though: if you know your self to be the type of person who is objectively a catch, you know your worth and you can say with certainty you penetrated their armor and truly saw them, they cannot forget you if they tried. If you showed them true and healthy love, that registers for them and they will not forget. But the realness of it scared them levels deeper so it’s going to take longer. That’s been my experience.

@DahliaDance 23 дня назад

🙌🏼❤️‍🔥FACTS❤️‍🔥💯

@sjdominguez1 2 месяца назад

Meditation for the anxiety that drives the anxious behaviors is very beneficial ❤ It helps to figure yourself out too. 😊

@katd137 2 дня назад

I’m the anxious one and he’s that avoidant. Just under 3 years of him ghosting me and coming back. Usually by the 3 week point he’s back to texting me. He always says we are just fwb’s and that he doesn’t want a girlfriend. He hasn’t been returning my texts in 2 1/2 months. Very little texts the past couple weeks. My heart hurts so much. I miss him so much. This video helped me understand why we do what we do. Thank you for this!

@peggyvanhalablackwell546 21 день назад

Two people say they want a relationship. Anxious try to make a WE. Avoidants want the reflected glow of connection without being in the WE.

@leaaugusta9924 10 дней назад

And that's what's bothers me about all of this. How can you claim to be in a relationship if you're not a WE? How are two individuals who simply share space a couple?

@WisdomHouseCreative 9 дней назад

Anxious people don't want a WE, they want a ME with the other person revovling around their anxieties. If the anxious person can't emotionally regulate and respect boundaries, that's definitely not a WE.

@gayleneflower398 2 месяца назад

If an avoidant can’t work with you, then you should not proceed with the relationship.

@LorenaBerrenbaum 2 месяца назад

Correct, he's lazy and doesn't want to do the work, everything is seems hard for him. Never again

@skaziblu Месяц назад

@@LorenaBerrenbaum the irony is, the more you pressure him to do the work since hes an avoidant he is way less likely to do it. my favorite saying ive found so far is "give them the space to change" or 'you cant change someone, but you can effect change in them by your behavior. its mind blowing how much the way we are interacting or being around someone effects them. hence why your S.O. will appear to be a different person outside of your relationship in some cases.

@sallyjrwjrw6766 Месяц назад

If an anxious can't work with you, then you should not proceed with the relationship.

@skaziblu Месяц назад

@@sallyjrwjrw6766there's a difference between cant and not aware enough to.

@sallyjrwjrw6766 Месяц назад

@@skaziblu I feel like that works for either attachment style.

@tinac6114 2 месяца назад

You are describing me & my SP to a "T"! He's avoidant & I'm anxious! We both do to each other everything you are describing! We've been going at our relationship for 2 yrs now. The minute we get real close he pulls away & runs! Then I text the crap outta him & I do tend to bring up private things he's told me about his past & throw in his face! Not good...I know! I just get so frustrated! He completely shuts down! He says he's never been with someone so needy. I've never been with someone who runs! I know we love & care about one another & I'm hoping we can continue to just work on ourselves. We each recognize what we're doing wrong. This video is sooo good! Ty

@vladsciencedrums 26 дней назад

I feel you. I’m the man (anxious ) and she’s the woman (avoidant). I’ve been watching so many videos and it’s been helping. I’m really starting to the root of it all which stems from myself. I’m really doing my best to look out for myself and gain confidence within. You came into world alone and you’ll leave alone too.

@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529 9 дней назад

YOU NEED JESUS!!!! HE CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE!!!

@JoeSharp1 2 месяца назад

As a man who’s worked through a huge amount anxious attachment patterns. There’s a bunch of disregulated and low self worth male behaviours that you’ve lumped into avoidant identification which are present in both attachment styles. Hypo/hyper aesthetic judgement etc. This could be confusing for people. Also the underlying thing both partners/attachment styles want is simply a sense of safety. The reason we’re attracted to the other is not because we necessarily value their qualities, but because they have the capability to trigger us into deeper healing and a greater connection to self. This is the subconscious wisdom which attachment styles offer us and is a gift if we choose to view it as such. The qualities we actually want are usually exhibited by securely attached individuals and yet we’re not drawn to those individuals because they can’t give us what we truly want which is a greater unfolding of self, to the deepest realization that we already are love, and so anything that we project onto another is an illusion until we remember that within ourselves.

@rayawake 2 месяца назад

why in your opinion or based on your research can secure attached styles not offer the insecurely attached the opportunity of unfolding of self into the realization that we are already all love? seems counter intuitive as it seems the securely attached would be able to offer that better

@rayawake 2 месяца назад

does the really insecurely attached really trigger us into deeper healing and connection?

@sallyjrwjrw6766 Месяц назад

@rayawake secure attached people can help insecure attached people. The problem is that anxious and avoidant have massive chemistry with each other. That chemistry they feel is their inner self looking to heal.

@anneliesewright662 Месяц назад

I disagree. The only time i'm anxious is when i'm with an avoidant because they're rude, selfish & seem to have zero empathy. That would drive anyone away. Someone with a secure attachment would be wonderful.

@hspinnovators5516 Месяц назад

@@rayawakeit can if both successfully repair and grow together

@extrospective 2 месяца назад

Couldn't have come at a better time. I am going through this exact dynamic 4 months into my relationship. Hopefully constructive conversations and empathy/listening will help us both! Thank you!

@sidehustler22 2 месяца назад

Dealing with this right now,my AP says he still feels for me but that feeling isn't enough to give up his independence and rather stay alone forever,he says sorry and got emotional.I told him we can fix it but he said no,he cannot see himself giving up his freedom.He is ready to grow old alone and says he is tired of this life.

@S3verance Месяц назад

Sounds like he's depressed and scared to pull you into it.

@nadja5154 6 дней назад

Listen to what they are telling you. It's the truth. It's not them asking you to change them. It might take them another 10 years to open up to a committed relationship

@nyomansabun1136 2 месяца назад

Bro, you're spot on. This was somewhat difficult for me to hear. yet i pushed on a watched twice. Cheers mate.

@ManTalks 2 месяца назад

Outstanding. Glad to hear and thanks for tuning in!

@ophwin6680 Месяц назад

I am disappointed that the qualifiers around anxious is more judgemental when describing punishing behaviors of avoidants. What about the simple interpretation that anxious have some awareness that they realize they have tried to reconnect so much, and feel spent and ignored, that they just see they fueling their own cycle when nobody in front is talking, so they just withdraw to fill their own well since the other person is not showing up to the bid for connection. If anxious has to respect need for space of avoidants, that's the reciprocal?

@peggyvanhalablackwell546 21 день назад

Exactly

@Miggsval Месяц назад

This helps me understand my previous relationschip so much, we just broke up 3 days ago and i always thought it was just me, but seems like we both pulled up the best and worse feelings in eachother. I just wish i had this information earlier so i could have controlled my anxiousness and not have pushed her away that much. Thanks you for sharing ur wisdom!

@nadja5154 6 дней назад

You deserve to be loved the way you need to be loved. You don't have to neglect that need in order to accommodate an avoidant partner. Please remember that. And I wish you all the best for going through this hard time.

@Rishnutz 21 день назад

This is gold! Thank you. My fearful avoidant girlfriend and I are currently getting back together and I recognize the anxious that I am. Luckily I’m self aware enough to check myself and do the work on myself, and so far she is open to doing her own work. It’s definitely interesting cause she will pull away but at the same time if I say things a certain way, she becomes terrified that I’ll leave her. I think if we can get through this we’ll have something incredible, and if not then it will be a great learning experience. It’s a gain either way.

@BopCentral808 21 день назад

Same situation here gf is very distant

@marioct130 Месяц назад

Both people have to want to work on the relationship.

@tatianawoellner6620 8 дней назад

Also the anxious is willing to do the work. But the avoidant is not. Very frustrating 😢

@JayHameed День назад

Wow I've been into attachment theory for years and years as a male its finally nice to hear a man's perspective on attachments styles and information on this dynamic - Attachments affect both males and females so its good to finally get some information from the other side of things lol - keep up the videos!

@Foxie770 Месяц назад

21:26 Unfortunately a DA man who is having affairs and lying about it and refuses full transparency makes an anxious person NEED to get creative chess the phone in order to discover the truth. And the truth is: he was having affairs and in dangerous situations that could have harmed the wife. The wife has every right to know and protect herself physically and financially against these betrayals.

@timothymosley6718 29 дней назад

Fantastic advice , I’m an anxious, 2 years ago started a relationship with an avoidant, then I started overthinking everything after 6 months and ended up blowing it , text bombing , wanting more validation, didn’t realise I was doing it , now I know why , 6 years ago my wife of 35 years died of cancer , I’ve turned into a monster

@pure-pisces9980 Месяц назад

Everything takes TWO & Both self reflecting .... COMMUNICATION IS CRUCIAL!!! Every person in this crazy world has their shit!.....It all comes down to .......BOTH wanting, accepting, compromising, respecting & COMMUNICATING!! Thankyou great video 🙏

@thebirima91 5 дней назад

I do not lack anything at this moment. The only mistake I made was being lured into a relationship with an avoidant not being aware of these dynamics especially the masking. I was perfect being alone and now my life is messed up in terms of housing and finances because there’s no possibility for me to find another place to rent so that I can leave this broken person. And yes, I gave her all the space she needs and am not clingy.

@DFENSFL Месяц назад

that was really good...and my situation to a tee... I hope it is not past the point of no return - I have listened to this several times already...it is so spot on.

@rayawake 2 месяца назад

this was incredible. will share

@Kimsk1975 Месяц назад

I have been looking for that one amazing video about the dynamics between avoidant & anxious attachment styles. This is the one!! Thank you so much for this video!! Liked, subscribed & looking forward to watching other videos. 😃

@iamjakeya 2 месяца назад

This is so good. Anxious person here. I understand exactly what to work on and how. Thank you so much!

@2013december 21 день назад

I am so happy and grateful to your knowledge and sharing it to us. I just met a guy and I’m ecstatic if I can that to meet him. I’ve never met a man like him before. But I strongly believe and I’m quite positive he’s an avoidant person and I’m an anxious person. I’m 70 years old been through so much in life and I want this guy to be my last life partner. So thank you so much.

@kolabrou Месяц назад

this is a gem. worth siting together with my DA partner and watch this VERY carefully together

@matthewhanson498 Месяц назад

Wow! Great info great breakdown

@DiscipleOfSelfSchool 2 месяца назад

Insightful and helpful. Thanks!

@ladyrose9859 15 дней назад

Wow! This was so fantastic! I’ve watched, read and listened to so much on this and this by far was the most helpful. I appreciate how you took it off the drama triangle and gave both the anxious and the avoidant support. I really enjoyed hearing what the each needs to work on and how they can understand the opposite. Thank you for your work and share!

@bittybun Месяц назад

Wow this is fantastic, nice work putting it together in a concise, yet in-depth way. Lots of good and new insight. My avoidant personality thanks you!!

@musokiemily336 26 дней назад

By far, this is like the only video I needed to hear. This so true of me and my relationships

@AA-lw9sy 26 дней назад

I can literally see my relationship unfold. The most practical video, succient and to the point. Best video by far, after going through hundred. Other videos use lot of high vocabulary which just throws us off.

@musokiemily336 26 дней назад

Am so so so happy, and glad I found this. This is exactly what am going through and I understand it.

@ChaosKrimson Месяц назад

This was and always will be needed information. Thank you so much for articulating this so well and making it digestible for both individuals. I am discovering this part about myself along with the help of therapy, I lean more on the anxious attachment style. It’s difficult to admit but that’s the first step to resolving the repetitive behavior for myself so that I may allow a healthy relationship in my life and flourish as an individual and independent. Thank you SO much 💗

@adrianaalexander5592 16 дней назад

This is an excellent explanation and conversation. Your examples and suggestions on how to deal with these issues were very helpful. Thank you!

@xavierserrano4880 Месяц назад

Hey, spot on assessment,ent and constructive support and content here. Thank you

@Zoe-mv7gc Месяц назад

Excellent advice !!!!

@Josh-xw8gd 8 дней назад

this is a rlly good video, i have to give you your flowers, excellent articulation, i understood every word you said and i’m more confident i can fix my relationship now

@musokiemily336 26 дней назад

This is so so so me. And I have experienced this dynamic. And I really understand what you are talking about. I would love to know more. Even the examples you gave are all true.

@TheNordicHunter 8 дней назад

It was Jerry. He always found something wrong with every woman he dated. George was the opposite. He wanted to be liked and loved by everyone. He once was so hated, he fell in love with that person and wanted them to change and want him. Thank you for all of this excellent advice and support. I have anxious attachment style and my girlfriend has avoidant. We are in this push-pull phase and it’s not fun, but so far we are riding the waves (while still loving each other) and getting through the storm. All this information helps even more. Thank you! :)

@karentrevino6904 Месяц назад

Wonderful videos!! New subscriber, thanks for sharing ❤

@dragonpegasus1231 Месяц назад

THIS video is a treasure for me! I'm on the anxious side, and I have been in a situationship with my partner who is an avoidant person for the last 4months. What you said in this video is valid. I've been practicing to focus more on myself and I feel the positive thing because I learn to love myself after 13years of toxic relationship/trauma bond with my ex. At first I became so frustrated with my partner because he seems so distant. But then I keep reminding myself that I love how he loves his job and why don't I do the same by loving what I love too? Being with him is hard at first because I struggle with my anxieties but I took the positive thing so I focus on my self worth. Of course, there is still a long way to go to make this relationship work, but at least I know now I'm on the right path. sorry for the long comment, thank you so much for your video!

@changingwoman1494 10 дней назад

Good stuff.. thank you

@audreymoyers9350 Месяц назад

You made me cry. I cannot even comprehend why I would want to be reliant on someone else. I don’t see how that helps. And what would make me feel safe in a relationship? Nothing. Anyone can let me down at any time. It’s just true. And it feels safer to live with that knowledge than to be burned over and over again. You say these things like it natural and normal. But I can’t see why I would want to change.

@betulylmaz8893 24 дня назад

It's not so much about wanting to change, but about creating a common ground for communication where our connection with ourselves can be expressed in a healthy way. Resistance to change can also create a sense of imprisonment within ourselves to some extent. The reason I say imprisonment is that, in life, our sense of self is formed based on whether or not the various emotions we've experienced have been met. And as social beings, humans constantly check themselves through the eyes of others. It's almost as if our emotional regulation or dysregulation with our partner serves as proof of whether we have internal emotional regulation.

@gusp7632 23 дня назад

You’re guaranteeing the outcome that you’re fearing by making it happen from your end every time though..

@audreymoyers9350 21 день назад

@@gusp7632 how? Just because I feel like I can’t depend on my bf doesn’t mean he’s not dependable and can’t continuously show me I can depend on him.

@Voimakas 2 дня назад

@@gusp7632 stop the cycle by stopping the dating/relationship thing. It is not worth it.

@mykidsvideos3 Месяц назад

This makes me want to stay single, for sure! 😂

@betulylmaz8893 24 дня назад

That's so good to hear some truths from such a wise way from you. Thank you! By the way, I am an avoidant. While this might seem like it helps me in my relationships by accepting them and then pushing them away in a short time, it becomes very exhausting for both sides in the long run. Therefore, if I look at it in black and white terms, I need to accept living 'alone' and continue life that way. But I don't want to reach this conclusion without being sure that I have developed enough and done my best. And yes, today, the desire for self-sufficiency brought by individualism in the West has increased the number of avoidants. However, there are many colors in life, and in the long run, I would very much like to say that I lived a life shared with and witnessed by others, rather than saying I lived alone just for myself and stayed true to my values. Therefore, the journey is long, and this video has shed light on my way to better understand and communicate with the person or people in my life. Thanks again.

@StevenJGMedia Месяц назад

Great content

@robbieamhaz2662 Месяц назад

Awesome content

@joshliam1967 Месяц назад

"Man hands" was Jerry who I think is a dismissive avoidant, and I think George is a fearful avoidant as he both craves and is terrified of intimacy...just finished a Seinfeld rewatch and as a person with fearful avoidance myself I love it! Great video thank you.

@mint_soup9743 28 дней назад

Yeah I thought george had something about a goiter or weird foot or something, right?

@emanuelmajstorovic9457 4 дня назад

Great insight. Thank you this was really helpful. Although we recently broke up ,I will learn how to self regulate... God bless

@mebanjopmarwein3431 21 день назад

We broke up.. I'm an avoidant.. she's an anxious.. she broke up with me.. i really tried to work things out but she didn't..😢 been on NC for 1week+ now.. hope she comes back we'll fix together.. i used to be an anxious person, until one relationship where i got ghosted it hit me so hard that i became avoidant where i find to love myself more and be independent.. but now it's ruining my relationship with this anxious ex..

@Silent-Moon 9 дней назад

Thank you

@samslo4321 Месяц назад

I am at the point where i was broke up with but i am told there is a chance i can fix this im so glad i found this vid thank you xxxxxxxxxxxx

@LSGO90 2 месяца назад

I would love one of this videos but with the fearful avoidant - dismissive avoidant dynamic. I feel it’s quite different.

@michaeldyer3757 2 месяца назад

Interesting how you did a pretty good job keeping the anxious explanations neutral and when explaining avoidant it was male dominant. Maybe because it was your go to (?)

@oliviamoore5328 2 месяца назад

Aren’t they both portraying their own protest behaviour. They are both protesting to being hurt in their own way

@rayawake 2 месяца назад

I suppose insofar as distancing, running away, shutting down can be called protest

@surgeonvicryl4872 Месяц назад

This video is the real deal! too late ive seen this only now, would have I seen it weeks earlier I could have somehow saved the connection with my FA but, everything happens for a reason. I am an anxious type, and Ive been drained too an extent I dont want to be in it anymore. She never solidified anything with me, so I said we both have healing to do, why dont we heal ourselves and focus on careers..be friends and support each other grow and heal. she lashed out and everything was chaotic. I was too tired to reply. misinterpretation mixed with ego.

@logancarman9169 2 месяца назад

Thanks for this video very insightful and spot on. As an avoidant though how do you know if it’s just your attachment style getting in the way or if you really just don’t mesh with the person and don’t want a relationship with them?

@sallyjrwjrw6766 Месяц назад

You can't tell if you like someone? Maybe you have alexithymia.

@gayleneflower398 Месяц назад

I think you did an outstanding job in your attempt to clarify the attachment styles. But in my dilemma, I am with a fearful avoidant. I just don’t know how to deal with him. I asked to get counseling and he said no he was going to work on himself. he makes me so insecure, always pulling away and then coming back that I finally gave up

@DahliaDance 23 дня назад

Gaylene… Do yourself an ENORMOUS favor: FIND A PERSON WHO WANTS TO BE WITH YOU. I’ve been through it. It’s going to tear you apart and waste away years of your life.

@raerivera5676 Месяц назад

Fabulous ❤

@MrDarryl1971 Месяц назад

IN A NUTSHELL If your ANXIOUS with an AVOIDANT .practice push pull behaviour with your avoidant partner. SET TIME RESTRICTION ON DATES I.E. 30 MINUTE COFFEE DATE OR 1HR ON EATING DATE.ANXIOUS PARTNERS SHOULD LEAVE THE DATE FIRST . PRACTICE PRE EMPTIVE THINKING. I.E. AFTER BEING NEEDY DO A BLACKOUT (2 TO 4 WEEKS OF NO CONTACT)LET THE AVOIDANT REACH OUT

@kognitivescientist Месяц назад

You let them, and they disappear. They disappear anyway though… unless they are determined to give this theory a go and work on their sht.

@dja-juicepowersourceproduc2887 2 месяца назад

Nice 👍 thanks

@svetikchum6988 Месяц назад

Is it pushing for more when you get none?

@skaziblu Месяц назад

the anxious part of the texting is a mofo.. the impulsive text is incredibly hard to control.

@LitBroBeats 2 месяца назад

Good luck y’all

@Arvolash Месяц назад

You deserve Love and Respect , and it starts with you loving and respecting you !

@erianriley9637 2 месяца назад

Adam lane smith is a great male attachment expert.

@ManTalks 2 месяца назад

Had him on the show last month. Great convo

@musiklyfe7683 11 часов назад

After listening to various videos on this topic, It seems like the characteristic traits are defined differently from you than the rest of the people that discuss this topic. As far as when peace individuals are acting out. Though the attributes are still pretty accurate for my own experience. But the way you're describing the anxious person sounds a lot like the dismissive persons way of reacting in a punitive manner. Regardless, your content is still educational and very helpful and I look forward to hearing more and learning more.

@NunYaBiz1313 2 месяца назад

Thanks for making these videos. As a man I cannot relate to the explanation women give as they aren't men themselves.

@mariaseppi 25 дней назад

I’m a woman and I see this in me as well. I never thought of myself as anxious, but since my husband cheated on me a year ago, I feel this way.

@guitarsz Месяц назад

this literally sounds like pure hell. i mean, in theory it’s nice that there is a potential path to healing but is sounds literally riddled with so many intricate obstacles that just thinking about it is exhausting .wouldn’t it be better just to find a healthier mode of attachment ? Is the only way to heal THROUGH one of these relationship dynamics (if you are of the anxious or avoidant type) or can you just pick a partner that is not avoidant or anxious attachment style?

@kognitivescientist Месяц назад

That’s why there are 50% of safely attached people, BUT those 1) tend to get a partner while young and stay in that relationships having normal patterns of communication (they not suck at relationships to start with, so they often keep it); 2) for them, partner with attachment issue should be ready and fix themselves to the maximally aware degree before meeting healthy people, otherwise it will not work good for long term. If some fixing is not done before - healthy people just note attachment-flawed behaviours as red flags. That’s why dating apps are also filled with pool of solo anxious and avoidant attachers. All goes to one conclusion: it’s everyone’s responsibility to understand their history, become aware and make a work on themselves.

@jeffp3495 27 дней назад

It is hell on earth. You have to be a saint while being tortured and told it's your fault.

@sweetpea692388 24 дня назад

@@jeffp3495 I think maybe you're dealing with a Narcissists!👿

@smileyglitter852 22 дня назад

Im a fearful avoidant, this was out of survival in childhood. Im dating a fearful avoidant man ...What should I do??? I try to give space and not overwhelm him...This video makes me sad...

@mgn1621 7 дней назад

Work on yourself .

@monicaprivate 3 дня назад

Great video. Have you spoken about how to shift away from emotional reactivity? It adds such a feeling of helplessness with my DA partner when nothing can be addressed or resolved. Im finding that im exhausted and shutting down.

@Alicia-ns4cc 11 дней назад

What's the point of a relationship if there is no intimacy, closeness and connection? What do avoidants seek in a relationship then? I've only manifested anxious attachment in one relationship with an avoidant. In other more secure relationships I have had no problem with space and independence in the relationship.

@sorongil 21 день назад

all of this, all of it is just as it should be. Once u consider the history of human kind... everything is just as it should be, we have been given all of the tools necessary to recognize each other ... follow your hearts, simple as that .. which in it self is no easy task to accomplish.

@kognitivescientist Месяц назад

So ok, anxious should self regulate about their doubts where it is going WHILE avoidant will be focused on That one physical flaw 🤪🙄 As if it is not felt when partner doesn’t love genuinely but floats in that logical doubts instead.

@DahliaDance 23 дня назад

“The anxious partner: ‘You know what, we haven’t been on a date in a few weeks, I’d love to just go out with you on a Friday night and go out for a beer, or go out and have a good meal…’” …and this triggers your Avoidant “partner???” => RUN. Going out for a beer or a good meal ONCE A WEEK IS NORMAL in a compatible relationship. If they can’t handle that…. you’ve got to grapple with how hard you want to work for it. Sincerely, Your ‘was-anxious-now-secure-unsolicited advice’

@tatianawoellner6620 8 дней назад

Exhausting 😩

@froyo9674 29 дней назад

Don’t! Work on yourself and find someone the way you want them

@mint_soup9743 28 дней назад

None of my fears are unfounded with my avoidant. He left when I was confident and happy in the connection. In fact, whenever I am secure that's when he gets cold feet. Now I'm an anxious mess. I just gave up, so I suppose this video really isnt for me.

@tophat2115 Месяц назад

Are their links to the previous 3?

@zeenuf00 14 дней назад

A sane person eventually gives the avoidant what they want. They leave.

@eleanormartin6923 28 дней назад

Brillant

@DeathGodCaine 2 месяца назад

What if im anxiously attached but i have self control, boundaries, and self-worth? Ive communicated with her but still getting avoidant behaviors.

@sallyjrwjrw6766 Месяц назад

At the end of they day, you can only change yourself. If your partner doesn’t want to put in the work then you can't make her.

@DahliaDance 23 дня назад

Say goodbye. Find a partner who’s wanting & WILLING.

@anoniem9520 9 дней назад

Even if you become secure attached from axious, and the relationship works better, the dismissive avoidant will still be a avoidant dad to the kids and run away from emotional problems. So what is all the work for really

@svetikchum6988 Месяц назад

How about if the partner is not anxious ?

@ChadEAult Месяц назад

While these things are useful and how I understand it, attachment styles can be changed and healed. So, that should be paramount. Work towards healing your attachment style so he can have a healthy relationship.

@Nevermoredork 28 дней назад

Does this all go the same who is Bipolar with avoidant tendencies?

@irisvillalta2857 16 дней назад

Coda is great with confronting anxious behavior BUt the solution isn't managing ourselves. Avoidant ppl hardly think they have an issue. So we always swimming against stream