Avoidant attachment is what I display. I feel most at peace when I’m alone. I think the best circumstances for me to be married would be having my own bedroom, bathroom, and maybe even studio. Of course, intimacy can occur, but then I want to sleep alone. Lol. It’s exhausting for me to work with “people.” When I get off work, I really want to cocoon and be alone for a few hours before I go out and be with people again. Thanks for this comforting video- radical understanding and acceptance rings peace.
Yessss! Same! That's why I stopped dating and pursuing marriage back in the day and embraced my single life. The thought of someone else being in my space CONSTANTLY, not having my alone time in my own bedroom at the end of the day to do whatever I wanted to do was an absolutely MISERABLE thought for me. I literally can't sleep if anyone else is in the room because I feel like I have to be "on" all the time if someone else is there. I can't ever relax.
I so understand and being this age, i don't know if living with someone (while still being together) might be best for so many people given what i have seen and experienced personally and professionally with regard to marriage....we need our cocoons some days more than others but they are also very restorative for most!🙏
This is a very insightful video. I am an avoidantly attached woman. I was neglected as a child, especially emotionally from both parents. I learned never to depend on anyone to meet my emotional needs and I'm terrible at speaking my needs now as an adult in my 30s. I am very independent and even have a hard time speaking my mind to friends or coworkers. Recovering people pleaser. I just ended a relationship with another avoidant. We had terrible communication and felt super distant and disconnected. I want to heal this wound so I can experience healthy love
Not sure why I am commenting on your post from 3 months ago, but here goes. You ARE quite self-reflective as evidenced by even just your name, let alone what you wrote. In fact, a synonym for self-reflective is "soul-searching." As with all personal struggles in life, recognizing the truth of a situation is the first step to recovery. As it's been 3 months since your comment, I hope things are getting better for you and you're already on to steps 2 & 3, whatever they may be. Stay hopeful, stay willing, stay strong & persevere on!!
Wow. I just realized that this avoidance thing is another consequence of being raised by a narcissistic mother. Needing to be alone often, really alone. People can be sooo triggering. Even talking with a good friend sounds exhausting at times. Can't do it, and then feel bad. This is really a great video. I appreciate your approach, Dr Sage.
Learn ways to feel safe in your body and look into your fears and beliefs around rejection. If you took the fears and the dysregulation away ask yourself do you really want to be in a relationship with someone? Do you want all the joyful things that connection bring?
Thank you for providing help to Avoidants. I've been looking for videos to help, and most are about how to deal with Avoidants, not help Avoidants. I was beginning to feel like we're always the bad guys in the relationship, not hurting people.
yes! I fell this too. I am great at hiding this feeling, so things haven't been so bad, but I do know that at some point it will hurt me and other people a lot. (its already hurt my mom who has an anxious attachment style... but I really don't want it to hurt them more or any of my current friends).
I’m avoidant, and when I have been able to develop deep friendships, or with my sister, I think I can be completely vulnerable (except I realized I never let myself experience anger), but I still have problems connecting with new people or romantic partners. And with romantic partners it’s more like I’m terrified than that I don’t want it
I’m the same. I’ve spent a lot of time working on my attachment issues in regards to friendships but now when it comes to relationships it feels like a whole different minefield and so much more difficult. Like I want romance but friendship is just so much easier because I get to have the space I need away from them without them getting offended
im the anxious type and for me i dont have an issue giving space. I was complying with her wanting to spend time with me. Now my ex has pulled away because of my actions and how i spoke to her which im working on myself. Just hoping she comes back. I didnt cheat, wasnt abusive we just arent able to effectively communicate yet.
Interacting is a very scary place for me. Alone is my safest space.Thank you for your insight. It's the way forward for sure. Thanks 🙏 again for the great content.
3:00 7 years of therapy, and again this is the first time someone is telling me EXACTLY what I am doing. I became very good ik talking about myself. Even about what I feel sometimes. And then they (the psychologists) praise you “James is very good at explaining himself!”… while being blind that it’s avoidment. And I kinda knew this. I have them hints like “when I leave my home I leave myself as well. My true self stays home and is only found again when I’m back alone in my room”…. I’m so baffled how every time you Kim are telling me exactly what I am doing or what happend to me and you are the first time to do it again and again. It’s really sad how this part of trauma is completely unknown to most psychologist. And the rest of what you said opens my eyes yet again. That that’s why I act like that….. this also creates such a massive problem because of that behavior therapist think you are doing better then you actually are. You can talk all you want about how bad you feel: if you are saying without emotions it has little weight to it. I’m fact what I’m doing is pleasing them often, like it’s legit almost as if I’m flirting with them, being charming while talking about what happens to me, throwing in a joke here and there. Shit… it’s all calculated and I did not even realize what it’s source was of that behavior. The mindfuck is also that it’s not inauthentic.. or am I wrong? Maybe I think it’s the authentic me because I have been doing it since age 1.. well this is what happens if trauma becomes your personality I guess.. pff.. I’m just mind blown as always…. Your videos are the most validating things to me I have ever witnessed and I’m grateful
Wow what you say about your true self only being in your room alone and when you leave the house it stays there til you return...that is so true, I never thought of it like that! Thanks for sharing.
@@jameswayton2340 Thank you James, again, for your thoughtful reply. I've read it twice because I can learn as well as a clinician and sometimes I am just talking and say things that weren't in my notes but that are just true for me but it's always validating to hear it here too. I do think it's authentic in the moment because it's so familiar - but when I call it out, patients are usually able to acknowledge it even though it's hard to process sometimes. Sending support and healing today.🙏
@@DrKimSage Now I feel embarrassed by all my spelling mistakes 😅. Glad you call it out and learn something from comments yourself. Thanks again. Are you perhaps known with the term “self-like manager”. I think that term applies to this video as well. It means you are acting still with protective parts active, and not fully AS yourself. It’s a lot like yourself..but not fully. All of this makes me aware of some strange intense fear I have, that I have never been myself ever. The fear is almost similar to that of death, I think because both are about not exist ing..
An interesting aspect is that I very clearly remember thinking that the only way to have love was to reject people. There's always a pursuer and a pursued, and I wasn't going to be the pursuer. People will inevitably hurt you if they think you need them, so you don't ever need people. I don't know if that makes me avoidant but it's the closest label that fits.
We need people. However, we need them in ways that build us up, not tear us apart. Someone who tears you apart and tries to leave you destroyed, you never need those people. They must be kicked out of your life with the quickness.
Same, I grew up with this narrative that it *had* to be this chase or push pull dynamic. I thought that being in a partnership meant someone chasing and someone running. So I slipped into those roles depending on what my brain decided was going on. 'oh they seem distant, anxiety triggered' 'oh they're too close, avoidance triggered'. Working through it now, I realise that the dynamics are played out by ME. Not by anyone else, it's me and my flawed narrative of relationships and of myself and others. I try to avoid so that I never feel the fear or the shutting down, instead of what I'm trying to do now and sitting with those things and not acting in the moment. Realising that I am in a triggered headspace and that what I need to do is to step back. Not run, not clinging, step back, stay close, and show myself how I can survive this. Showing my brain a different narrative, even if it doesn't want to see it!
Thank you for this video. I've been aware of my attachment style for a while now. And I realize sometimes I often just need to hear that there's hope and that there's other people like me who are suffering from this. I wish you all the best, everybody reading this. May you create yourself and find love with that.
Shoutout to all the DAs who acknowledge and understand that being in a relationship may not be the best option. You guys are saving tons of stress. I appreciate you all.
@@TheBadgerFactor I really respect that. So many just blame others and are convinced that someone will change them, that perfect person who’s out there and keep hurting us when not acknowledging that’s delusional and they have to work on their stuff. It’s the first step.
@@TheBadgerFactorno better place to heal.and grow than to face a relationship..I was avoiding for years..but I am here on the earth to grow..so I face myself in a relationship. I deserve love
Thank you! I’m a DA. I prefer working and have great relationships with friends. I’m also kinda grossed out by codependency so relationships just aren’t satisfying for me.
@@Simplesimple123 Amen. It's not an either or choice. I think it's easy as DA to use the excuse of saving other people from our own issues, to stay comfortable and confident in repeating a pattern - of avoiding the messiness of relationships. Relationships are messy. It's how you work to resolve the mess together that counts. That's where the healing happens. Let's not forget that it takes 2 to tango. They're in this for their own combination of wants, needs and unresolved traumas. What could possibly be better than deciding, as a couple, we're going to use this situation as an opportunity to heal. To learn the language of attachment theory together. To practice communicating through uncomfortable feelings and triggers. The truth is that's the only way we're really going to change. When faced with the same situations and patterns - making a healthier choice and not letting our old patterns play out again. With awareness, some helpful tools, and a willing partner we can heal. I'm not saying we shouldn't be careful with other people's hearts, and take responsibility for ourselves. But you can do that whilst engaging in the process with other people.
I can see the avoidant style in myself. When you say lean into it a bit and let yourself feel the pain, my automatic response is “why bother?” And “who wants to feel that??” Your kitty is absolutely gorgeous.
Maybe it's a bit like being able to enjoy food more if you are hungry. You might ask "why should I ever feel the pain of being hungry?" but the truth is it allows you to appreciate (get more value from) the food when you do eat it. And also, waiting for something delicious that takes longer to cook might be more worthwhile than something that is quick to cook but not that delicious. In this case the pain is of hunger and also waiting. And the reward is something of much more valuable than if you had avoided that pain and gone for the quick food
Alone time is wonderful too. Not using it to numb or avoid but truly embracing it and know that it is what makes me most happy and relax now (and my own fluffy cat agrees and send his greetings to you and Coco)
My avoidant level is up to not wanting any kind of pets, like even a fish. My needs were never relevant for 24 years, and after removing myself from that environment I found so much peace living alone! It’s really hard for me to think about having even close friends that I meet frequently, my social anxiety makes me physically sick afterwards, even when I wanted that interaction. So yeah, not sure I’ll ever look for any deeper relationship any time soon Thank you for this video and letting us see Coco ❤
I understand 💛. Did you ever consider you are missing out? Once healed; connection is truly amazing. All those years; not having it and finally having it; wow what a different world; life; experience. ❤
I definitely see myself as both anxious and avoidant. I am attracted to unavailable people. This has been a vicious cycle. I am 58 yrs old, and am just now figuring out that I am the common denominator in my failed relationships. I long for a partner, however, I feel as though I don't have the energy to make it work.😢😢 When you mentioned "allow yourself to feel" I felt my heart skip a beat. I come from the "bury that shit in a box" generation. The thought of feeling my emotions is scary.
I used to be anxious attachment and for the past decade has had a lot of heart breaks that now I’m so far on the avoidant end. I can only handle a relationship for a small dose. The second they start to expect more of me, I freak out.
I hate this narrative that DAs are out here just causing problems chaos and purposefully getting into relationships just to hurt people. This avoid all avoidant rhetoric is just as damaging as the trauma that made us who we are. In fact it is the trauma. Everyone needs to heal their own trauma. Set a boundary and if the DA walks away let them go, some of y’all act like you aren’t begging the DA to come back, promising safety and then blowing up when your unstated expectation is not met. Yes we have a lot of healing to do, but these damaging comments are not helpful. On a better note, thank you for these videos. I have learned so much about myself and have made tremendous strides, and I have also recognized my spouse’s Anxious attachment. These videos and others like it, have brought so much awareness and has made it easier to come back from a trigger a lot quicker. Not where I want to be yet, but definitely getting closer.
My cat is named Coco, too! Boy I relate to this. I thought it was good to not have needs that involve others, and to overly value autonomy. Those were ways of hiding from the pain of being dismissed and emotionally brushed-off in childhood. Thanks, you explain this well.
Thank you so much. I grew up with a bipolar mother. I'm 42 years old, I'm safe now but I'm still working on my avoidant attachment style. Thank you for this content ❣️
Ugh this is so me. Back when I still dated...back when Bush was president (avoidant AF on a whole other level! 😂) I couldn't stand being with a partner all the time. I can't sleep if someone is in the room with me because I feel like I have to be "on" all the time and it stresses me out. I used to just feel so much relief when they would leave...but then the anxious part took over where it was like "oh no! He hates me now! Is he ever coming back? Am I too clingy? Am I too much? What is he thinking about? Aaaaah!!!!🤯" And it was just all so overwhelming all the time. I look back and realize I spent probably 93% of my childhood either alone or with my erratic NP/BP mom. Alone is where I thrived. I could lose myself in my own little worlds and work out my thoughts and feelings without taunting or invalidating or raging. Basically I learned that I was a "me problem" and nobody else could tolerate me. I guess that stuck. 😏
omg i soooo get it!! it's just exhausting on both ends! our bodies are so sensitive to everything when we have that combo - sending love, support and understanding to you today!🙏
i appreciate this. i've been struggling for a long time.. and finally am ready to push myself a little and try to let vulnerability and closeness in. thank you for the information
I'm a CMHC in training and I have struggled with this attachment style a lot over the course of my life. I wanted to say that it's so inspiring to see someone with this attachment style still be successful and confident in their profession as I have been concerned about my ability to do so while being more disconnected from my emotions. Thank you so much for sharing! You've renewed my sense of hope :)
You are so welcome and yes, it's so important to know that we can work on it and continue the process of growing. People with aspects of avoidant are often very good at being independent and going after our goals - never forget your strengths too!🙏
This content really helps me understand my girlfriend more, as well as myself. We are in an anxiousavoidant situation. Very challenging for each of us and we are each working in therapy on our issues.
The same thing is happening to me and my kinda boyfriend. What I know is I have mostly anxious attachment and he seems to have avoidant attachment. I believe he is avoidant because he seems super dry and emotionless in texts and can go a day without texting me even if for a week I've been texting good night/good morning/I love you. Now usually it's (They will text you if they want to) but in person I notice thats not the case. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around him wanting to be with me and him not talking to me for so long ad well as leave me on read or use other apps when I hasn't opened my message yet. I know that he loves me and wants to be with be, but it's so bizarre about the texting. I've never had a past relationship like this one. I've gone through every reason why he could have left me on read, "maybe he turned off his phone right as I texted him so it shows read but there was no notification" "maybe someone talked to him when he had the message open and forgot he was texting me" "maybe I said something wrong" "maybe he really isn't interested in being with me" it's crazy what I've thought of but he just invited me to go paint balling with his friends so I know that he really does want to be with me
@@ProductShroomzI am experiencing something similar with my girlfriend. I have an anxious attachment style (diagnosed with anxiety) and my GF seems to be more avoidant. Sometimes, I am thinking “is she cheating on me?”, “is she only with me to pass time and not really into me?”, so on and so forth. I have to stay calm and talk myself through it because I know it is my anxiety 9.99/10. I have had conversations with her about not being emotionally available. It seems that her mom was like that although her dad was more of the nurturing one. She rarely invites me to her house and when I ask to come over, it’s like I almost have to beg. I have an open door and she can come over to my place just about any time she wants. However, I have started to realize she becomes more attentive when I fall back and let her be in her space to respond whenever she wants to without expectation. I am slowly learning to prioritize myself and my needs as I am generally the anxious caretaking one even at my own expense. I am no longer asking her to come to my home and will start taking time for myself to work on me and get more in tuned with who I am, my needs and wants and becoming a better version of myself. In some strange way, when I do focus on myself and give her that space to just text and call without expectation of when, she does it. It’s almost like she can sense when I’m anxious and pull away and when I am indifferent and move towards me. Keep working on yourself, show yourself more love and care, keep learning about and deepening your relationship with yourself and allow your partner (and yourself) the freedom and space to text, call, etc as you choose. Love people enough to be able to let them be themselves and if who they are negatively impacts you, love them enough to let them go out of your life.
I love your cat. And thank you for these videos. Im just learning that I’ve been very avoidant .. all my life. At 31, I’ve never been in a serious, long term relationship💔 I’m so afraid of commitment, closeness, rejection but I’m also afraid of staying single forever. What a pickle.
This video helped me so much, I immediately understood it was ringing a bell and I watched it a couple times. The next day I clearly remembered a childhood episode where I experienced so much fear and anxiety for being neglected and assisting to abusing parents hurting each other. I already remembered the episode but it was the first time I had access to the emotion, so big and overwhelming I could barely hold it thirty years later! I understand why I had to shut down everything from that moment. Thank you so much, I feel so relieved and such clarity now. Thank you from my heart
thank you for making me feel seen. I’ve been feeling crazy these past few months. Your video was the most reassuring thing I’ve came across in a while.
I love watching your videos and they have helped my immensely! Thank you!!! I am hoping you could touch on ‘half safe’ people and why they are not ‘safe’ and how to navigate through those relationships. For example: the aunt that appears kind but if you divulge your feelings, she tells the other family members, or the sister who is loved by everyone but actually a narcissistic and if you bring up an issue, she shames you, or the mother that gets info from you and then triangulates, or the friend who can’t fully be trusted etc….
Thank you so much. I’m just starting my journey of healing from my depression and childhood trauma. Everything about avoidant attachment style is me. I was sad when I discovered this because everything I would see or read was all about how the avoidant attachment style person is this and does that and it’s hard to be we them but nothing on how to heal that attachment style or tools and things to work on to have a chance at a healthy relationship. I appreciate your advice on how to work on myself and I now have hope for the future that I can work on myself and have a chance at a wonderful meaningful loving relationship with someone
Wow this. It’s so complex. I found that i happened to get into a relationship that wasn’t good for either of us but then that confirmed the fact that being vulnerable and getting hurt was too scary so I’ll stay alone!
I absolutely love your videos, they are condensed, informative, enlightening and really capture the core elements of attachment style. They have helped me understand myself better, others on a deeper level, and consequentially aided in improving my relationships. Thank You.
I’ve been with a man for 6 months and about 3 times I’ve had full on panic attacks. I don’t know if you can actually be in a relationship while working through trauma and attachment injuries. He feels like a bad person all the time because I’m always finding something wrong with him, but I think he’s anxious because he doesn’t want to end things with me. It is SO true that I only feel truly at peace when I’m alone. Not with friends, not with family, really just alone. I don’t want to be this way 😔 I feel so hopeless
Hi Dr. Sage❤ I sent this video to my therapist yesterday. She’s learning more and more about me through your videos. She’s a trauma therapist and EMDR. I at times can’t talk because well…you explain what I have trouble saying to her. She truly is learning more and more about me. I’ve got CPTSD, ADAD, OCD, BPD and so forth. I’m learning more about “ME” through you. You’ve touched me through your videos. Be PROUD OF YOURSELF!!! You’re helping me, help myself, along with my therapist. ❤❤❤
Oh my god!!! Dr Sage you are a GODSEND I now have about a hundred hours of expert podcasts under my belt on avoidant attachment and this one might well be the single most useful one I've come across.... and the others were already excellent! AND, on top of that, you just gave me a tailored synchronicity, out of the blue Be blessed! 🙏🙏🙏😺
Thank you so much. There’s a ton of content coaching people who are anxiously attached and how to deal with avoidants, but little that speaks To us avoidants that want to get out of our own way. 🙏
Thank you so much, dearest Kim, your insights about attachment styles really helps so much to understand myself and many of us better. I had a favourite song in my teenage years from Eddie Brickell where she sang...."...and being alone is the best way to be, when I'm by myself is the best way to be, when I'm all alone is the best way to be, when I'm by myself, nobody else can say Good buy..." Now I know why I felt so understood by that song. Loving Blessings to you and all of us!
Always soothing to remember when someone did something hurtful to us that this is a mechanism that helped them survive at one point. And vice versa. I really helps releasing anger or guilt.
I would have benefitted from working with you when i lived in the OC. Moved out 2007. Sadly, I am very avoidant and at 67, I am unwilling to confront and resolve this issue and connect more deeply with others. I don't expect to be accepted by others if i am vulnerable. Your videos are excellent.
Fair enough! Curious however; What would your ideal relationship look like & what qualities would you wish in that ideal partner? (Thoughts of your younger self & current self?) Ty🦋
Great video.. I was a little skeptical when I read the title- thinking, sure she’ll me how to heal a lifetime of avoidant behavior- but I honestly got some insight! Thank you
This is all so very true and so validating Dr Sage. Listening to you helps me so much in so many ways, you are such a calming presence and oh my goodness, watching Coco is so soothing! That cat is truly the most beautiful cat I have ever seen (don't tell my cat I said that!)😻
Thank you so much and I will tell Coco to keep it between us! I really appreciate you and how you show up here - it truly means so much to me. Hope your learning journey with school is going well so far in 2023!🙏
@@DrKimSage thank you so much that is so kind of you, it is going really well! I am looking forward to taking another of your courses during my summer study break. Thank you for creating such a safe space for us all to heal, grow and learn together. You are truly wonderful ❤️
Omg. It is like you are speaking directly to me. Thank you. I finally have words for what I have been feeling. I feel like I can make positive change now. And I love Georgia and Ginnie!
I myself was put up for adoption, though family pressure resulted in mum going back for me some weeks after my birth. She had some clear issues, didn't like to be touched, and had a violent father who drank heavily and died when she was 12. My father was Also violent and drank, and she was without emotion or compassion when I was hit, trapped or beaten. In fact, she would hit me too. So it explains why I am avoidant in relationships. For years I thought it was my drinking, being separated from my daughter and some umpleasant memories of sexual abuse. I can really see how I sabotage relationships and can't handle closeness. The root cause of anxiety, and the need for distractive addictions, which offer predictability. Thank you for the Information.
Cannot believe how accurate these videos on your channel are. Thank you so much 🙏. And many greetings in return from my lovely cat to your lovely cat..😽.
I grew up with a father that swung between extremes. One minute he was the warmest, kindest man alive. The next he was screaming and angry and terrifying. I never knew what I was going to get. Then my mother died when I was 12, and I had to basically raise my little sister because my dad worked a state away. We were also religious (I’ve dealt with horrible guilt for years because of it) so my feelings about relationships have always been a tangle of fear, dread, and uncertainty. I constantly get into short term relationships, freak out after a few months, and come up with reasons to break it off. Idk if I have Avoidant Attachment style, but something’s wrong with me for sure, lol.
This is the most on point video I have seen in a long time. And it gets extra points for the kitty! 🐈 Your voice is very calming and the video has enough information in a short period of time where it isn't too long or overwhelming.🌹
Thanks Dr.Sage 💡💃😆 I really dont know where to begin or end, I can't believe you bring out so much material and it's so on point. Goodness gracious me !!! All I can say is well done, can't fault anything its sooo true. It's a lot to process and chew over but very beneficial things to work towards and find some good balance, acceptance, to love ourselves let ourselves feel it. A big step indeed Thanks again !!! 😆💡♥️
I’ve learned that I need to pay attention to why I want to be alone. Making time for nature walks or for writing is the good kind of alone. Hiding out to avoid unpleasant tasks, situations or people is the bad kind of alone. If I experience digestive problems, that often is a clue that I’m ignoring conflict - smiling or just going along when I should be expressing anger or disagreement. The caretaker roles you describe were reversed for me. My dad was the inconsistent, angry/violent one. Triggers for me include people who try to dominate one on one conversations with me or who diminish/ignore me, say in team meetings.
You are amazing. After a long-long lifetime w/what I only recently (3 1/2 yrs ago) discovered (on my own--then w/the help of a psychiatrist) is lifetime CPTSD from early and continuing brutal abuse (sundry in nature), I refer the 2 friends who I trust 100% (a rarity indeed) in sharing part of my story TO YOUR VIDEOS to help them relate as closely as possible to the Impossible-to-explain lives of people whose lives are wholly or partially destroyed-beyond-destroyed by insidious forms of child abuse/neglect/abandonment. You are brilliant in synthesizing the psychology (mind and body) and real life horrors/challenges of this because you have been there and continue to "be there"--you know what it feels like to run the daily and nightly tactical maze of seemingly life-and-death decisions coming at you (a circus in your mind, albeit a circus of terror) at continuoulsy and sometimes at light-speed and sometimes totally overwhelming you. You provide all of us with deep and authentic and educated insight into the indescribable, giving our lives a meaning it did not have before. Thank you so very, very much.
This is such a great video. Your talk here will help so many people and identifies what a lot of people dont even know is controlling their lives. Love you Dr. Sage!
I love this video, thanks so much. I feel really seen. and also love your comment at the end "as long as it does not interfere with your binge-watching." hahahaha
i’m only a teenager, i have hypersexuality and avoidant attachment style and sometimes i forget completely that i have connections with people other than myself, it’s like i feel the most free when im in captivity
Coco is such a delicious chonky bean! Dr. Sage, why can't I find a therapist like you? I've been in and out of therapy for over 20 yrs. I found many therapists here in the NE don't like to get too deep. It's almost as if they don't know what to do with the heaviness of my trauma so most sessions are geared towards "that's interesting" or elevator small talk. Some even compare their experience with mine which is so odd. This video def hit home for me. It just gets exhausting to constantly feel in ur body or seek help when you feel it won't even make a difference. Maybe that's the the avoidant in me lol. Great video! You seem like an amazing therapist.
To compare their experience with yours says a lot about the quality of the therapist!! :/ I believe to really find a good one it needs them to have empathy! Really a willingness and intention to help ppl and being completely non judgemental. And it's true what u wrote, many of them don't really want to go really deep cos it'll be a long and delicate process to help that person, one of the reasons why meds are the easier joice for them. I would like to recommend you as well Dr Ramani and Dr Daniel Fox (specialising in BPD). Wishing U well!
@@JDforeveralone Yes! I remember going to one virtually and telling her I wonder what it's like to be a housewife since I always worked. She quickly blurted "ugh I could never do something like that. Why would u even want that?". It's not funny but it kinda is because of how unexpected her reaction was lol
@@rubycubez1103 He Ruby. That makes me sad and a bit upset to read. I have gone to five different therapists myself in the Netherlands and only the last one had some knowledge about this topic. How can someone without a lot of empathy even get close to understanding someone like us if they have no knowledge? And even if they have, the fact they did not experience something similar makes them unable to understand. They don't even know what they don't know. The worst thing about it is they make you think that if THEY don't know, NOBODY knows what is wrong with you. I had legit one therapist and i sat there in front of her saying '''there is just something wrong with me'' (like... there is a THING but i don't know what it is that is how i said it ). And she replied ''oh no no James, there is nothing wrong with you..'' What i'm trying to say that they sometimes say things so invalidating (as with you, comparing their experience to yours in a attempt to make you feel understood but the opposite effect is true), that is works against you. Not only do you not go a step forward, but you go backwards. And the medication is such a joke. Giving meds to a client of wich you have not even identified the reason for depression is so stupid. It should be a last resort option. I tried 5 different meds for depression i think and all of them made me feel worse. unhealthy side-effects.. i think its garbage for most people. So yea where do i find a therapist like this? I have no idea. It go's much further then just it being ''helpfull''. To me Sage's videos are the only main source of understanding myself in who i am. This blind spot i am carrying my whole life now finaly being shown. Its scary to think that so many other people are walking around like this and have no idea who they are and why there are like they are. Yes they don't know what to do with your trauma because they don't even understand it Ruby. But i bet that instead of telling you that ''hey i don't know how to help you maybe someone else can'' they just ''gave up''. Something important i learned (also because of another video).. is that many therapist have a big ego. AND.. many therapists are wounded themselves and not mentally ok. As a result of that, they can not help you with your trauma because that would mean that would have to help themselves in their trauma as well. So what they do is just teach you more coping mechanisms to help with certain symptoms, instead of actually going to the source of the problem. And then if it does not work, they get frustrated with YOU the client. Oh its your fault for not getting better because you are not beving in unhealthy coping like i am your therapist! ... yea.. sick And so i wasted 9 years of my young 20's on this stuff. And you even worse, 20 years.
@@jameswayton2340 nicely put! The medications are horrible! They ask you standard questions and if u answer yes to a few, they start the meds. I also have felt that "something must be wrong with u if this isn't working" vibe from therapists too. It's like they're not even considering where all of it may have come from. Like seeing someone bleeding from their arms and offering them a leg bandage.
omg she is such a yummy chunker! i dont know how she got so big so fast! I am so sorry you've not had great therapists, i know they are not always easy to find. I also know how exhausting and pointless it feels when you keep trying to show up and it doesnt help. I will say there are a ton of us now online and on social media and that can help screen (maybe) but also, if you are willing to meet online - it opens you up to therapists that aren't local but all over your state. Don't want to come across as trying "to solve this" for you - but just wanted to share and send love and support🙏
My favorite part is the beginning with the cat with open arms stretched out just chilling. My avoidant tendencies often show up as just wanting to hang out with my cat all the time. Sooo this for sure speaks to me hahah.
I know what you mean at 4:05 when you say you experience strong Anxious and strong Avoidant triggering. I see both in myself. Dr. Sage, do you consider yourself Disorganized Attachment? I know I see evidence of both styles in my behavior but I just would not have thought my childhood was that traumatic. (I recognize through your other videos I could be wrong about that) I wonder if I have not been harmed by my first real relationship, when I was 20, and that in that relationship I was Anxious but since being so hurt (took me years to get over her) I have adopted an Avoidant Attachment to protect myself from ever being hurt like that again, to the detriment of all my partners since, including an ex-wife and my current wife. I wish there was more I could do than give this video a thumbs up. I'd give it 6/5 stars. I took pages of notes on this one video. Thank you.
Yes the relationship at 20 could very well impact you today and as for your possible abusive and/or traumatic experiences at a younger age don’t necessarily have to have been your parents…could’ve been siblings, aunts, uncle, grand parents, teachers and even your peers.🦋
@@kimlarso I appreciate you taking the time to reply. Your suggestion I look at other influences in my life was helpful. I can see some places where others, besides my parents, have hurt me but I definitely see the affect my parents had on me after months of working on myself. I can also see that I'm a mixed bag when it comes to relationships. In my past relationships I have been both Anxious and Avoidant. I think it depended on how emotionally invested in the other person I was. Not sure if this makes me an FA or not but I'm still searching for answers.
I think being alone was the only safety. I could maintain that calm in my own little world despite the choas of the BPD. Despite the almost constant turmoil that comes with a bpd parent, the yelling, screaming, and abuse, alone there was at least safety in those few moments. Alone no one was shouting, alone no one was going to suddenly lash out, alone was a few solumn moments of not walking on eggshells. Alone was predictable and while your heart and soul might not be at peace, it was brief reprieve from being constantly on gaurd and braced for the next blow (be it verbal, phyisical or other). I think it be becomes so ingraned that it becomes the learned preference. I am safe alone and not with others.
Coco is gorgeous 😍 💙 I'm more avoidant now but still able to open up about my feelings. I just get really down on people in general. Mostly alone & don't really want it that way but I don't seem to find compassionate, kind & present people. Maybe it's me? But I'm tend to be shown over & over that I'm not enough. 😢
When I was in college we had a class where we had to take a test to see what are our obstacles are to be successful in college. My biggest obstacle was asking for help. I was wondering if it something that people with avoidant attachment struggle with?
I’ve realized that I have an avoidant attachment style and was with someone with an anxious attachment style for years. I’ve acknowledged plenty times my own shortcomings, but a lot of time is avoidant types tend to be demonized and misunderstood while the anxious gets all the passes. I would try to point out things that made me feel unsafe but it was somehow always mostly my fault☹️
I am avoidant and yes I had the classic upbringing that would cause this attachment style. But the "treatment" is always to go out and connect with people which I obviously cannot do. Whenever I try, I just end up overwhelming people or making them uncomfortable with my constant eye contact because I read somewhere that that's how you "connect".
I had just asked you a minute ago.As why are we so happy when we are alone. So stressed when we are around others. Thanks this video was needed for me today Now to figure out how that works. How to change inside of me after 58 years of not knowing any of this was going on inside of me I just knew I’m not healthy and haven’t been since I was born..I’ve never been fully happy deep inside and I’m learning this now Despite the fact my I thought I was happy. More information and how to get through this please! Thank you Sheila
I always dreamed of having a family however I suffer from attachment avoidance. I married and 3 months later I started having panic attacks and agoraphobia for many years and I still take medication and only recently realized that my problem was caused by my avoidant attachment. I need to be alone to balance myself. The paradox was that the panic attacks created my fear of being alone.
As silly as it sounds (to me) I identified with anxious attachment patterns, but you helped me to see that I also have elements of avoidant as well. Is that common? Layers... great video. Will follow. 😊
Thanks for sharing your personal story, Dr. Sage! My attachment style, according to one model, seems to be all over the place. It's partly secure but also a strong dose of FA and AP. Very confusing. My much younger self would have benefited from having this knowledge. I'm currently in a situationship with a DA/FA partner, which is very triggering, but after learning about attachment styles, it's a little easier to navigate.
I am glad it's a bit helpful, but i also know it's a lot to try to manage given where all of this begins. Hope you are holding grace and compassion for yourself today.🙏
I'm pretty sure my avoidant style started in high school, and had nothing to do with my parents. I have and had a great relationship with my parents. But combine the Purity Culture of the early 2000s with disgusting old men who prey on young women, and there it is. This video put into words what I never could. Thank you. And what an absolutely stunning cat! I have 3 kitties.
Not all emotional traumas happen during childhood. For me, as a child, I had more of a fearful-avoidant attachment style. So, I would get emotionally, mentally and/or physically abused by my parents when I would express emotions so I figured maybe I could try reaching out for another person. But every time I would ask for help from an adult I would get shut down, gaslighted and made to think I’m crazy (yes, a child being crazy for saying they’re abused) so I did get quite distant and tried to sdeal with it on my own. But I guess I didn’t learn the lesson so after I grew into adolescence, I tried again to ask for support from people around me when some real traumatic events occurred but again, I got shut down and ignored (+had to listen to people making it about them somehow, just throwing away and ignoring everything I say). So it wouldn’t have made any sense for me NOT to become avoidant and reject true connection (not saying it’s the right thing to do, I’m just saying it is logical). Therefore, I don’t believe there’s any human out there in the world that I can trust and I’m not even sure I want to ever connect with people or have relationships with them of any sort:)
