How to Human as an INTJ 

Our Discord - ​​discord.gg/xThWx8Q My tentative theory is that based on the comment sections of our videos, lot's of the people here would benefit from the ability to chat to each other in real-time. I've met people who have had/still have a huge impact on me and who I have developed close and collaborative relationships with online first, that I've also gone on to meet in person. We live in interesting times where that is no longer a strange thing. Hopefully this discord will be somewhere where all of you can do the same - interesting chats, find new and useful connections etc. Also my assumption is that this community will grow organically and become self sustaining if it's going to exist at all. So think of me as an intermittently present creator who often totally forgets about a planet he's made then quickly rushes to make sure they haven't turned on each other. Finally, an ENTP is running the server... god help us. ~ Nathan

An INTJ can get fired for saying something a standup comedian can get millions for lmao.

Everything is faked until it becomes a habit. Behaviour is learned, so being charming and being sociable can initially be faked until it becomes habitual and part of your trait.

As an INTJ I often just tell people that I don’t have a sense of humor since I don’t find other people’s humor funny and most people don’t get mine

I am INTP with an INTJ friend. Boy are we a good bad match. Every time we talk we always end a conversation with 'I sure hope hell ain't real' because there is no boundary we wouldn't cross when it comes to ideas.

Makes sense, no wonder I'm single.

INTJ here. When you said not to "re-frame everything they say as how it relates back to you". Yyyyyyeah, this is exactly what happens when I try to human. So hard not to. It's so hard to ask follow-up questions because I usually don't care, because it's usually vapid small talk. If you're not going to share your deepest wound or darkest moment, move along.

For INTJs, working on Fe is more like damage control. It will never be turned into a strength.

Don't confuse self-respect with narcissism.

I don't think INTJs are evil at all, they're just certain type of individuals that don't depend on ethical dogma which at times are found "inefficient" in their book. INTJs prefer solid approaches instead of arbitrary ones. Since this is their case to be misunderstood as "inhuman" or that they think that they're such, who they are deserve credibility since they're such exceptional organizers. So if you're INTJ, keep moving at the same direction with precise velocity.

I used to just believe that there was something wrong with me. I would watch as the people around me seamlessly formed interpersonal relationships with others. Now that I'm older I have gotten better at contending with social interactions, but I'll always probably feel the most comfortable when I'm either by myself or with my girlfriend who also happens to be INTJ. Some people say that you shouldn't be in a relationship with someone who has the same personality type, but I think it's incredible. We have all of the same interests and it's astounding how similar we are in our cognitive behaviors. She also doesn't act as if something is wrong with me or that I need to change in some way.

“Classify yourself upfront” works like a charm. In my groups of friends I am the card-carrying deadpan snarker and we all laugh together when I make a witty remark, making social interactions much easier for everyone. Still had to learn how to read the room so the act doesn’t become trite or downright offensive.

I studied all of Robert Greene books and took notes. He is a life saver. I am grateful to him. And remember, he is an INTJ too. I feel proud of the information.

"I'm weird and eccentric. I have no taboos and I say how things are. If I ever hurt your feelings, please tell me so." So far this has worked for me even though my parents (ISTJ and ESFJ) always complain how I should "be more careful" with people. I'm friggin 30yrs old, lemme try to socialize myself damnit.

You’re right. It can be draining when you do all the giving... Most important thing is-- Look for reciprocal friendships. If they don’t show you the same amount of interest in you, as you do them, you’re better off without them. Don’t allow yourself to be a doormat for narcissistic people who wont give you equal time !

The guy I love more than anyone else is an INTJ... he is calm and chill and I am outgoing and free. I am the only one who ever broke through his shell, into his mind and soul. If you have the ability to do that, you will discover such a rich, vast, sensual world they don't share with anyone. In fact, most of them will die all alone in this and no one will ever know they exist. You need to be an INTJ whisperer in order for this to happen. They are the cat souls of the MBTI..

As a "matured" INTJ who learned the social interaction, it's more of a fluid systematic approach through years of study in human psychology of non-verbal cues, verbal intonation, and smiling. I necessarily don't feel what I express, but it's something I make sure to do in order to not jeopardize my social circles (work, family, etc). Although I can now do small talks here and there, I still believe it's ultimately a pointless thing unless it builds a relationship.

i can fake it, being nice, but it is exhausting. i see that you understand. i have not found a way to avoid the "walk away" after 3 to 5 minutes of small talk. in my family, gracious indulgence has been given to my abrupt departures. i have learned that after 2 hours of family functions, friends etc., i am done for 24....

When you mentioned breaking social contracts,... It reminds me of: if two of us are talking, reading from a play script. Then in mid sentence, I stop reading/talking from the script and actually talk to the actual person. That's how it feels to me. INTJ

As an INTJ, reading fantasy helped me understand people a little bit better, since I could see through another person's eyes and 'see' their feelings

'Listening to people is the easy win of human interactions.'

This was not only brilliant, but eerily right on time. I, at this very moment, just ended a phone convo with my INFJ friend about how I’ve come to realize that my boyfriend, an INTJ is, in fact, truly, an alien. I’m an ENTP, and still scratching my head as to how my bf even came to be, and I realized it was through methodical scrutiny and calculated emulation. Well done. 🤘🏼

I like when people are blunt and straight forward to me because I have misinterpreted people's ques in the past and it caused me trouble so I don't bother with that 😂

I’m an ENFJ and my closest friend is an INTJ 🤣 We have the best conversations in the whole world. The chemistry is great too, but figuring out what’s going on in that head is such a task! They need too much space and ENFJs tend to get clingy. Best part about this friendship between ENFJ and INTJ? You can pull them away from the world into your world and show them how beautiful the world can be. They will be bummed to look at emotions an ENFJ-way 😉❤️

I use these tricks all the time. They have become ''default initialization programs'' for me, in order to be able to deal with social interactions while still avoiding being challenged all the time (as much as possible). I've had people in my life (after a few years) bring up our first conversation (that I had forgotten) and my own bluntness amazes me (If I'd met me, I'd totally find myself creepy). For instance, I had this colleague reminding me that the first thing I ever said to him was (after working shoulder to shoulder a whole day in complete silence without me ever officially and openly acknowledging his existence) "I'm very socially awkward'' , looking him dead in the eye before resuming to my work without any further exchange. Hearing that and thinking back on what is acceptable in society's standard, I don't even understand how anyone would want to be friends with me ahahah.

Fermi, how Fascinating, Love Who has te-rrific content. “There are two possible outcomes: if the result confirms the hypothesis, then you've made a measurement. If the result is contrary to the hypothesis, then you've made a discovery” ― Enrico Fermi Early in my life, I realized who I was. I would never be a Captain Kirk and I certainly did not care to become a Nurse Chapel. 'I began to study human behavior from an alien perspective, thinking, humans are interesting, sad, foolish, but worthy of study. -Mr. Spock

INTJ here... I have read The Prince and Might Is Right. The overall essence of these books have been very helpful to me over the years. My resume and life style serves as the evidence.

I love that you talk about shutting down after a certain amount of socializing and that it happens very quickly. It's easy for a person to think their broken when this happens. Now I know this is entirely normal for my personality type and instead of trying to be something I'm not, I can plan ahead to work around situations that I know will be draining. A few years ago, my brother and his wife went to Cancun for her 40th birthday, along with many of their friends and I went along as well. I was very apprehensive about it because it is almost pure socializing for around five days. That will send a chill down any INTJs spine (with many people you don't know or are very light aquaintences). Anyway, right off the bat I let people know the socializing drains me so I would be appearing, disappearing, re-appearing during the week. So the first day I partied with them for a couple hours, drank a lot, and then went back to my room and crashed for probably six hours. Then I found them and did that some more for about 2 hours before retreating back to the room. I was never stuck in a social atmosphere with an empty battery and no one asked where I disappeared to. That translated what is a terrible environment for and INTJ into an enjoyable week.

This title is just perfect, I feel it. For all my life I've felt disconnected and different. Sometimes I even felt like an alien because most humans I've met are unlike me on so many levels. I literally found out that have the INTJ type yesterday. A quick reseach made me feel less alien, knowing I'm not the only one experiencing life this way, that's nice. Great vid btw

When I was younger, I often felt misunderstood and often accidentally offended others simply by stating things as I saw them...not realizing that most people don't want to see or hear the truth. For example, if a friend was complaining about their boyfriend/girlfriend, I'd say, "He/she is making you miserable. You should break up with him/her. They sound like a terrible person anyhow". Eventually I figured it out. Not everyone is okay being on their own so I learned to shut up and allowed them to vent, and even taught myself not to roll my eyes. Really made a difference.

I totally related to the last bit with the bluntness and the direct, unemotional perception that people often formulate. It is best to explain to them who you are and give them an idea of your personality. However, I don’t think these people understand HOW DRAINING it is to have to explain myself time and time again. After a while, you want to just roll your eyes and “f” it...But then you realize that saying “f” it gets you nowhere either, so you just explain yourself little by little so that it’s not so draining to you...or at least that what I do. And you what else helps? Writing letters to them and telling them about you. It may seem a bit odd, but again, it’s not draining and it always you to truly pick and choose the correct words to express.

I had to be worked on by an entire family when I was a teen to learn how to "human." My issue was a lack of empathy for others because I wasn't empathetic with myself and unable to understand my own emotional expression. After learning what "human" and love is from them, I realized that I didn't vibe with the common definitions of love and compassion at all. So , I developed my own in order to finally relate to people. For me, compassion is *understanding* where this person is coming from and how it affects their behavior (motive)... but doing it in a way that's non-clinical. So if you have close friends, replicate that behavior (the mushy side of intj) and do it for others. No, it won't be the same, but you'll def come off warmer if you show 1/10th of care for others that you do for the ones you love. And because this benefits me first as well as them, I don't feel too upset about expending so much energy on people or scenarios that aren't "worth it" by my usual definitions. Outside of direct social contact, I've gotten into slice of life podcasts (like Outlook, Beautiful Anonymous) and other media where regular people talk about life events. Realizing that we're all connected - like it or not - because we're all human has really helped me to dispel some of my cold veneer. And frankly, it helps to be attractive and to smile when you're playing a human. If you don't want to work on your fe because it goes against your worldview, then tap into the manipulative side to get your way. Increase your physical attractiveness and you can get away with being an ass with little to no complaints. (ha). I had another INTJ counselor who suggested the Machiavellian type self-help books and he was making money and had lots of "friends" despite being an empty person, so it works.

while growing up as an intj AND (somehow - despite my low level of social drive) being one of the more popular kids in my high school class, i used to take advantage of my being different. i would call friends 'freaks' as if was a GOOD thing. others then also started to use the phrase and, it created a sense of inclusiveness in us ALL being freaks and/or weirdos. GOOD SHIT. ABSOLUTELY. FOR SURE.

I am not fond of watching "video advice" for INTJs, but for once they sound very useful especially setting a timer for conversations, thank you.

ISTP, and my BFF is INTJ. I've used all these techniques to try to get along with people, esp. women, who I'm usually surrounded by. Having an INTJ friend is so rewarding b/c we don't have to play those games, we can just be ourselves.

I love how honest this video was. When I talk to psychologists and friends about this issue, they often say "Just go with the flow, you're not weird! Don't worry its okay to be awkward" without actually knowing what it truly feels like, when you just aren't accustomed to social interaction. Finally, someone, who says it like it is. This advice will go into use.

INTJ here, He says "Do not take the self help literally" My notes from the video: 1. People are narcissistic, get them to talk about themselves 2. Classify yourself upfront Planning to take that literally :D

There are genuinely good, honest, people in touch with reality people who INTJs will likely have productive relationships with, everyone else, particularily those with a pattern of causing problems, need to be kept at arms length until you have better skills in handling those you don't have a natural connection with

INTJs are wonderful -- quiet, sensible, and they come with a sense of stability that I as an NTP lack entirely. Best of all they are very low maintenance -- just give them a cup of tea, a book, and a comfy chair in the corner, and they're happy.

As I'm INTJ as well as autistic, social skills have been quite a challenge for me. This video is certainly welcome! 'Looking more like an alien' goes against every bit of social skills training and advice I've ever had, but your explanation makes sense. I'm looking forward to trying it out.

That’s a great analysis of the INTJ and social interactions - or the lack of it.

no.i don't believe in self help books.as an intj i really don't care what people think of me or if i'm bad at communicating with them. actually instead of what you call 'being human' i have chosen a specialty and a job and even a city which doesn't require a lot of interaction with people...i just don't care if i'm weird and different and i solve this "problem" by staying as far from people as i can and i enjoy it😂😂

“Show them that aliens walk among us.....disprove the Fermi paradox”.......LOL! This was one of the more hilarious videos. 👽

I'm impressed with the 'simple' depth of this advice. ;) I'm glad you bring up the 'dropping off the cliff' moment... it took me a long time to recognize that moment - what causes it, what it means. Another thing... I don't believe anyone who tells me up front 'how they are' because usually they are wrong about themselves and it sets up false characterizations that can be hard to break later at worst and appears manipulative at best. I'd hesitate to engage in that kind of expectation setting. Rather, I'm curious how others perceive me and find it amusing when they vocalize it. So what if you offend someone sometimes by 'blindsiding' them with your personality? Validating others' observations disarms them from becoming defensive, and we can develop a rapport with a better understanding from there, if that is important to do. Part of learning to human is to learn how to be imperfect and not take ourselves so seriously.

I really use the trick of letting people talk about themselves. The issue is, the more they talk the less I am interested in them. There is only certain amount of information about oneself that is interesting. If conversation does not go further to other subjects like politics, history or whatever, I really do not feel like seeing that person any more. What amazes me at most is that they never ask back. Which is not a problem to me, I do not need to talk about myself, also not that interesting even to myself. But that lack of curiosity from the other side is compketely alien to me. Regarding your second point, yes I am starting applying it now, saying on front that I am not the most social human being and have issues with interconnection withbother people. It works, people are the more receptive and open. I am 46, I have lost a lot of time already.

Considering the amount of "How to Human as an INTJ" videos I've watched, you think I'd be pretty good at it by now...

Yes book recommendations! Thank you for that. Might I add the classic How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie? Tactic 1 ? Spot on. People often forget a simple truth: humans love talking about themselves, showing (genuine) interest in others is a sure way to appear likeable at the very least. I love the caveat you make, boundaries are essential (talking from experience as a good listener).

This is really good advice, for an ISTP as well.

I've been doing this things without even knowing. I want to thank my mom for arguing with me for everything I do and teaching me how to be a human(??)

...When I was a kid, I always wondered why everyone's emotions & feelings were so intense...I couldn't have the same reaction, everyone seemed to share their own neverending production of energy & passion towards life. I always felt like life is a book were I'm often the reader & everyone's else is a character for which the story is absolutely real & matters a lot...Then when I wanted to have fun, I would just act as the writer & put them in different situations (physically or mentally) to see how they would react...I have always loved to read & write. So after learning what I needed to learn, I just started to fake a level of passion towards my "hobbies" or anything I talk about...& Nowadays that's pretty easy for me. I can fake everything, the people around me wouldn't think I'm actually INTJ...They would say I'm so emotional, so passionate about things...But I still have a limit & after reaching it I just need to hide away from society. I don't like to talk with people, I rather hear & observe than talk, but I became good at participating by acting like some ESFJ... Partly because I learned that from my mom who is ESFJ...But my energy is a real issue...I end up needing a lot of time for myself & hating society...

INTJ here. I've read Ego is the Enemy twice and found it very useful. It explains why getting out of our heads is necessary to achieve anything worthwhile. Most of the other books you've recommended are on my Amazon wishlist which tells me that they are worth spending money on.

What has worked for me: 1. Sort yourself out. Face your mortality. Come into alignment with Truth. Your life will not unfold naturally if you skip this and reading books suggested here will merely add more garbage to your already confused mind and heart. True empathy comes not from techniques, but from knowing that you are not fundamentally separate even from the most alien types who piss you off. 2. Be honest. Be kind, but don't lie. Don't scheme, don't manipulate people. Don't play the interpersonal power dynamics game - you suck at it compared with strong Fe users anyway! This will make your life simpler, your mind clearer and will filter out people and situations that you wouldn't care for anyway. I also highly recommend sticking with other basic moral precepts. This and the previous point will lift 95% of the trouble you may have with "how to human". The following are just some small tips that come to mind: 3. Befriend a strong Fi user. Interact, observe. ISFP, INFP, ENFP, ESFP - all have done wonders for me becoming more human than a robot. 4. Befriend a strong Ni+Fe user (an INFJ in my case) to get to know the vastly different world of extroverted feeling. Your shared Ni will keep you interested and connected to an otherwise a very different creature and their kind. Very challenging, very rewarding. Being very present with someone, not putting walls between you and other - this can be cultivated. 5. Think and read. You like to think about how stuff works, how paradigm shifts affect your perception of life, etc... No reason to go against your natural proclivities here. Human realm is a highly complex and ambiguous system that you can enjoy thinking about for the rest of your life. Personality type theory is one of a few excellent tools. 6. Structure the interactions if you find them suboptimal. Getting tired of your ENFP or ESFP talking a lot, merely sampling one thought after another? Use their energy, but patiently focus and and streamline the conversation. You will enjoy it more, they will enjoy it more. If you don't particularly care for your current social circle and parties where people get together and "hang out", you don't need to use the default choice of not going. Go and bring a board game! Or join groups where the activities are structured: playing music, singing in a choir, mountaineering, fighting, dancing, debating, helping the drug addicts - whatever. Warm greetings to fellow INTJs around the world. P.S. great channel, often very non-trivial observations, well presented. Looks like you're an INTP (ENTP?) who has had some strong Fe users in your life to learn from about people. Keep it up!

I love solitude, I grow the most when i'm within my own confinements and thoughts without any external influences.

I’d highly recommend those books too! Good list.

Simple system to use to "human" or socialize. I used it and it's become a part of me, now I can not stop speaking, I have to reinforce myself over and over to not speak unless it's necessary 3 simple steps, this system can be naturally improved. Input Approach - Body language - Verbal commute - Emotional engagement Conversation starter - Recent events - Simply mentioning simple things around you Output Usually the result of the conversation in order to make someone or a valued friend to want to be more around you. This result would leave both parties involved with a sense of emotional refreshment from communicating This worked well, a little too well.

I learned to apply these in my life after reading the book 'how to win friends and influence people' and the experience has been Life changing. I let people talk about themselves while being genuinely interested in what they're saying. Asking questions definitely works. It does become exhausting all of a sudden sometimes and so many people complain about how I never tell them anything about myself.

Hi I'm an INTJ and yes my strategy is also to read a lot of books on this subject, I just bought one last week. Great video! Subbed.

"... and we can debate the ethics of lying at a later date." 😂 Hey, Yogi Bhajan was famous for advising "fake it til you make it." Still, trying to change _for_ someone else/others never seems to stick. Is there a conundrum in changing because you want to be more personable, and get more connection with others? Hm. My best real life examples with my more introverted friends is that I enjoy making them laugh, and listening and laughing is a good way to relax and open up. Once I know what's funny to them - it feels like a very low-risk, high-reward interaction. A few of them, their massage is half-massage, half-comedy routine. Everyone wins. Edited to add: of course, they COULD just be laughing because they want more connection with me, and now I'm going to obssess about that all day, so thanks 😉

This is the video I needed, thank you. Social expectations/interactions have always been a huge stress factor for me unsurprisingly (notably answering messages, I'm the one that responds once then never again because it's inconvenient, and after then the more guilty I feel the less likely I am to respond) looks like it's a very INTJ thing but it can't be justified that way.

I'm a strange INTJ because I can be very warm and personable and charming but it only goes so far. Eventually people subconsciously realize that something is missing, and then drop the connection with me because it's weirding them out and they don't know why. These are the moments I dread the most, when a huge gulf suddenly opens up between me and the other person and I feel like I was just shoved out of an airlock. My entire social anxiety/avoidant personality issue is based around these moments. Because from my point of view, everything was fine then suddenly people were looking at me like I'm an alien and I am all alone. Sometimes I wonder if I would be better off just being an asshole to people all the time. Avoid the heartbreak. :(

What's crazy to me as an INTJ. I have read all these books. And I love them. 33 strategies of war is one of my favs + 48 laws of power. Keep up the good content. I'll check out the discord.

My reading suggestion: the Art of War. Its lessons, if understood, are extremely useful, and can be applied to literally every thing you say or do, including appearing to be more human.

Thaught myself a lot by courses and books. I have to say it bettered a lot my ability to start conversations; ask questions, be interested, etc. - it's also nice to see another person having a good time talking about themselves. It also makes me happy I can achieve this, this is maybe a INTJ way to put it. I recently moved to my boyfriends country, people are quiet to themselves. Sooo I tend to do a lot of the (for me) work within the convo . If I have the energy, it works pretty well. However, what you mentioned - man oh maaaan is it tireeening. I'll try your tip! :) (although yes, might be weird to have a 45 min talk, and after that sit in a corner alone :D or make them the convo "leader" and then it becomes a all awful or awkwardly quiet convo - but what should I do, unfortunately can not be the leader always.) What also works nicely is to take a friend extrovert with you and let them take over that lead after a moment. Do this with my boyfriend and best friend all the time.

Nathan, I'm an INFJ, but a) this is a great video b) this is the first time in my entire life I actually understood cognitively why the thing I reflexively do whenever things seem awkward (draw the other person into talking about themselves) works. I hate talking about myself to strangers, so I always worry that I'm being a manipulative creep when I steer the other person toward telling me about their novel. I also feel like sometimes it backfires, when the other person assumes that we're going to be good friends. Maybe that isn't a risk INTJs face, though!

Oh holy hell, I have to listen to them and let them ramble about Shopping and what tv shows they watch 💀 ... I had to click rewind on you 15 times and I wanted to hear it.

I'm an INFJ I watched this video just for entertainment value. Thank you, Nathan!

I use Cunningham's law to make people talk. Here is the definition from google, but obviously it applies to not internet conversations as well. Cunningham's Law: "The best way to get the right answer on the Internet is not to ask a question, it's to post the wrong answer." This refers to the observation that people are quicker to correct a wrong answer than to answer a question.

Having learned all this by trial and error, let me reiterate that *people love to talk about themselves.* Listening isn't passive, but it does take less energy than being the subject of conversation yourself. Also, observe the more extroverted types, and you can learn a lot

I used to hate talking to people, probably cuz Im an introvert. But now I use people to tell me more about them so I can learn other things:careers, hobbies, businesses, or whatever they are good at or knowledgeable in so I can absorb the info for myself. I dont neccessarily care about getting to know them, but seeing as how I get info out of them and people love talking about themselves its a win win. I also fake emotions cuz people think you're monotone(not that I care) but I figured it would make them feel others feel good, such as smiling, fake laughing. Eventually getting into these habits has made it feel more real to me and im sure feels more genuine to others (more than before at least ;))

This is great stuff! I have 2 friends, well one friend is istp and one is intj. My istp friend he can be really off the wall and at times irreverent at times but we tend to over look it based off of 1) how he’ll always have your back, always 2) his past 3) he does all of what he does without thinking it’s just him. The intj friend? We haven’t known him quite as long, he really does try to human but he’s literally a machine. When he does try to be friendly he has these archaic quips and or stories, and it’s painful to observe. He has offended MANY people because he is just so focused on efficiency. Im an infp so I’m probably the anti intj but I do feel sorry for the guy, he is nice and you can tell he’s trying. Side note he is married and I really wonder how that works 🤔

what really helped me to fake Fe was by trying to "convert" it to some extent into my Te function. When talking to people I'm trying to figure out what kind of person I'm talking to on a quite detailed level. I'm making a game out of this by forming hypotheses about them in my head and trying to validate my thoughts by asking questions and interpreting subtle changes in their facial expression and gestures. That way I don't have to fake that I care about their opinion because I do - just not in the sense that they might think I do. But as you said - does sincerity even matter in that regard? A further advantage of this is that I can figure out way quicker if the other person is worth my time and I eliminate my own personal bias to some extent.

I really enjoy one on one conversations with people who open up to me, but they usually won't because I don't make a good first impression as someone you could open up to.

I have always been an INTJ even as a child. Naturally this frustrated my mom. At the end she taught me to act as my favorite characters so I learned to be a "charming young lady". still do and use it. In my mind its is way to much but apparently it works. Little thing on the side I notice, that most people don't appreciate honesty. They all say it but only if it prevents betrayal. Most people I met prefer sweet lies over blunt honesty. My go to for those people became, if you have something nice to say, say it. if it isn't nice, shut it. cant control my face tho

So that's why INTJ numbers have sky-rocketed since yesterday on the Discord server! We need more SF types in there... I'll trust your plan to make a great variety of viewers want to come there :-D

The moment you mentioned books, I was like "It's some Robert Greene book, isn't it?". It's 5 of his lmao.

I'm going with the "let them think you're an alien" approach whether or not I'm an INTJ. It fits.

Improving my soft skills has immensely improved my life.

I am an INTJ who was raised in a large family. Since social interaction was home-life I think my mom picked up on my awkwardness early on. Raising me she was very clear and direct about how to understand and talk to people. It was like being raised with a self-help book. A lot of times I would come home hurt over something and she would help me either realize it wasn’t me, how to fix it, or how to let it go. Her biggest thing was diplomacy, something she’s an expert at. Sure it’s taken me decades to understand how to apply a lot of it properly, and I’m still learning every day, but I can say I was pretty blessed for it. And I actually enjoy (unrepetitive) small talk now, to a point. ;)

I’m so lucky as an intj my mother is a psychanalyst and ive been able to observe how much people love to talk about themselves. The “make them talk about themselves” method is a go to whenever I felt overwhelmed or ackward or embarrassed. However, I need to watch myself not asking too much question like a robot.

I have to admit, I've started to just accept the 'INTJ' trait more recently, or that I do have the tendency to have the 'evil mastermind' traits. I even describe myself to people in this way as well, I tell them, that I struggle with 'social norms'; for this reason, I can come across as blunt and cold, but it's not intended this way, it's more like 'oblivious logic' and for the most part, people will be understanding of this. I think that's how it is with some INTJs, if not most of them, it's not that they are cold people, it's just they don't tend to understand those social norms. I've found, that at least with my own introversion, I actually have the 'active listening' trait, but it's almost unintentional. I just like to hear what others have to say, things like; what have they learnt? How did they learn it? I think in some ways, like what you said about the 'books and finding the essence from them', for INTJs (including myself), take the time to really listen, but be curious, like almost a 'child-like curiosity' and fascination at how someone else sees the world. I've found that doing this along with just analysing how they see things, is something people surprisingly appreciate, especially if they are just allowed to speak their mind and we just shut up and listen until they stop or pause. The only other thing I'd say for this, is (in one of your other videos), you mention 'doubling-down on strengths' vs. 'all-roundedness'. Both have pros and cons, for me, I ended up using a bit of both, when dealing with other people, I will take the 'all-rounder' approach, intentionally analysing and forming strategies based on how people feel, think, etc. by analysis and using it to the best plan/advantage I can see (#evilmastermind). However, if it is only myself, it is absolutely 'double-downed strength'. All analysis, and critique just goes into overdrive, all plans are made, timelines met, and all must go according to a lightly flexible plan... (sorry for the long comment, I really enjoy the videos, and yes, this INTJ is also a bit narcissistic and enjoys hearing INTJ videos too ;) )

It's not worth it to work on it, but it is worth treating it like a problem to solve. Once you start treating people as behavioural data patterns/generators, it becomes a lot easier to elicit more productive responses from them. Most people are drastically more predictable and input driven than they would be comfortable accepting. It requires a lot of "flexibility" with ones persona and a great perception for hot buttons, but this is something I picked up playing poker. If conversation is the objective, the key is to have a medium depth of knowledge on a large variety of topics. It depends what you want from the person to be honest, listening to uninteresting people for the sake of social conformity is a waste of time, whether they are offended or not is inconsequential if they have no value to you. I think this is the basis for your "context is important" point, however part of that context is the level of power you give the reaction. If you are entirely unapologetic with the bluntness, it seems to carry. The second you display any hint of "I shouldn't have said that", the smell of blood is in the air. The obvious caveat to that is to have good logical reasoning behind anything you can say, rather than some ill thought out vitriol.

Robert Greene!!! I love his books so much. The art of seduction man, I can draw a line from how reading that (well listening to the audiobook) was the exact end of abusive relationships in my life. I love Robert Greene. He’s difficult to recommend to others though.

When I socialize, it's basically a performance, or an application of what I've learned people are supposed to do

You know... I really wish this video was uploaded and shown to me 10 or so years ago. What you've said here is very true, I had to learn these things over a significant time period, books + trial and error. Also, right on about the "cliff" effect - also came to the same realization, time limit is best set in advance. Also: in your book list - I think the addition of "How to Win friends and Influence people" would be a worthwhile addition. It nicely explains not just the usefulness of effective human interactions, but also some key aspects of the human psyche, motivations, boundaries (things you should tread carefuly around, or taboos like questioning someone's intelligence), key elements of enjoyable conversation, effects of vanity on a social interaction. And some effective methods of how to human. ;)

Hahahahaha, this was wonderful. I have three close INTJ friends. I am married to an INFP. Half of my family growing up were introverts. My entire bridal party was composed of people who could run a small country... if they would only talk to each other. I love INTJs, this was hilarious and interesting. ENTJ, your extroverted cousin. Same parts, different order. 😜😄

A great selection. If I may suggest, the list misses one very useful and important: "How to Win Friends and Influence People". It teaches how to persuade and negotiate (life-focused) with others, a point listed things INTJs have trouble with.

Reframing towards ourselves feels like the only option sometimes

The second advise is the best. People expected me to be unfeeling and rude. That’s why they were happy when I was a little bit kind

This has got to be the best MBTI channel out there

2nd video I've watched I'm already enjoying your channel. I'm an INTJ myself, and when you mentioned "Books you recommend" I was expecting the same exact books you listed, especially 'Mastery', this book connected to me down to my core, when I saw this my intuition went crazy aside from the fact that it's black and gold, it was all that I expected it to be. It felt like the book was made for me.

Loved the Fermi paradox joke

As an INTJ being 95% intuitive and 100% thinking over feeling. I have the appearance of a dark cold individual. The most effective way to demonstrate that i care is through compassion, not affection. By making people lives easier for them. It is how I show i care whilst thinking things through. I plan out ways to help others because I have no real way to express feelings. Sincerely Intj. 😌😌😌

Before I started taking MBTI seriously, my INFP best friend and myself, INTJ, prescribed The 48 Laws of Power to our bookclub of, as I know now, mostly not INs. Good times :-/

I'm an INTJ and I'm learning how to human with people! It's going well so far hahahaha

For INTJs, it's actually Si that's their worst function. It is in the eighth position and plays the destructive role, being entirely opposite to their top function, Ni. Si is about the past, and Ni is about the future. Imagine getting stuck in how things used to be instead of being all about how things will be. I saw one portrayal of an INTJ villain where this happened, and it was both sad and fascinating to watch. Fe is in the seventh position and plays the trickster role for INTJs. I don't know what that looks like, but I imagine this isn't a great experience for them either when they try to use it.

I'm never changing for anyone, especially since I'm aware of how fake this world is

I'm dating an INTJ who is very affectionate and values verbal affirmation. He would rather I break down the reasons why I like him using logic. It's cute. I will counter one of your points about introversion, Nathan, from what I have learned. I believe INTJs will be exhausted listening to people of the xSxx variety. From what my INTJ has shared, talking about real-life aspects is far more boring than exploring concepts. So I wouldn't say they are not necessarily exhausted listening to people prattle on, but are exhausted listening to boring crap. (Thank God I'm an ENFP 🤣)

As an interjecting cow, Mooooovin up into greener pastures. How I got here, you have to look backwards. Broader perspective equals no surprises. Count'em 1, 2, 3, open up all your eyelids.

Personally I have tried to develop Fe hard which I now consider to be a regretful mistake. ( During the process, I read a book which was by E. Fromm, and it got my Fi so bad that I began to practice it since I was then thinking about being righteous.). Perhaps I have taken it too far and I felt I just couldn’t maintain Fe without compromising on my fortes or my usual cognition being intercepted . Even though I indeed managed to and won people in a way I had always fantasized about, I felt empty and unfulfilled. This is basically pyrrhic. What really is at my strength is the bombardment from the external world imposed and my will to stand up to it and live up. Next time when it comes to this issue it’d be better for me just to subside and have any people besides me to deal with it. (As to finding the persons who could be beside...I beg there’re some among the population who truly needs what an intj brings to them. And when you cry out for what you want without inserting an appropriation, it’s highly likely that it echoes in other human beings. )

I never thought I would come across another advocate for Robert Greene. Very interesting. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one!