How to Know If Your Feelings For Someone Are Healthy Or Unhealthy 

Exactly

Whoa, that's a great point! Damn.,,

Very thought provoking

:) See you in the school Drew! -PDS team member

@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Hello! Which course would you recommend to overcome this?

In my opinion (and hindsight 😐), you can't know early on. Because that disciplined time we need to give a relationship to slowly build is where we learn about the person in a much more mature way, rather than just jumping in and feeling your way through it. You know what I mean? I myself have been on autopilot going into pretty much every relationship I've ever been in. Only just learning now how little I truely knew about myself. And going with the wind isn't healthy, because we mistake infatuation and dopamine rushes with real love and understanding. Society really focuses on that passionate spark. That swept off your feet feeling love. But, going in slowly, with a lot of healthy restraint is crucial. I dont know about you, but ive realised that during the dating phase, it's important to 1. Go in -when you've done the work to truly know thyself. You'll know when you feel securely in touch with yourself. If you have to ask, you're probably not. Even if it's just a matter of trusting that the work you have done well is enough. That anxiety and self unassuredness in itself is still work. And, 2. During the dating phase, and now that i'm getting too old to be inpulsive and boundless in love, I personally have realised how important it is to get real about moving out of my comfort zone and ask the important questions and have discussions about who you are, who they are, what theyre about, what youre about, what do you want in a serious relationship, what you both expect going into a long term relationship. This is really doing compatability ground work, reading and actually taking in what they say. And yeah, this is done in the dating phase. Which in secure people should be at least a few months. I for one have always been in the committed phase by then, and it's only now that im 30 and alone again that I've learnt this 🙃 What do you think about what I've said? I'm talking from a fresh perspective and what I've been learning I will only know has been integrated what I'm ready to date again. I'd be interested to hear back about what you think! I have a very disorganised A.S. If you've done schema work and are familiar from it, I have sever abandonment trauma, emotional deprivation issues, and mistrust. In my case, it's from being abandoned as a baby, reunited a year later, and then having an unpredictable and turmoltuous life style there after. X

And to add, I think when you've done the work on youself, truely, it won't be hard to walk away when you recognise that things are simply not comparable and you have any doubts about them being able to meet your true core needs. I think you'll just know. Your fear and uncertainty are ques. Your subconscious is talking directly to you though your body. So notice it and listen to it's wisdom. Keeping that healthy emotional distance in the first few months will make it a lot easier. Keeping the relationship to yourself strong and not getting swept up. Easier said than done, and I'm yet to test all of this. When we know our needs, our values, our life direction/ what you want, you'll have enough personal foundation to know when to allow people closer and closer until you let them into your inner most circle and decide on them. All the circles in between that we need to bolster up with our boundaries and sense of self until there's no question about when we're sure or ready. Your question made me introspect and think out loud. I hope I've connected with you somehow and helped you to think deeper too x

@@kheilawarheart I really appreciate your response! I am a Securely attached individual, but certainly still exhibit some Fearful Avoidant tendencies I am working on. I agree with what you've said, however I feel like there is more to it. I'm not sure anyone is ever fully ready for a relationship. Humans are constantly presented with a choice to grow and evolve, we will always have something we can work on! I personally struggle to walk away not because I don't see issues or don't know myself. Instead, it's because I have a difficult time "giving up" on others. I have seen many adult relationships fail for very "silly" reasons. By that I mean, things that could have been easily avoided had each person just taken a bit more time to try and understand one another. For me, empathy is a core value. Something I have always used to better understand the world around me, and because of that I find it difficult not to empathize with the person when they make mistakes. I suppose this could be seen as a problem, I understand why. It saves each of us a lot of pain to walk away as soon as the going gets tough, but I don't choose to do that. I do sometimes get hurt because of this, but I would rather be hurt trying to understand than hurt another person by not understanding them. At least that way, I know I have done my part and tried my hardest. If the other person didn't, that isn't on me. I know my worth and I have compassion for myself. So, when I think I see something in someone and find out it wasn't there, it will be painful initially. However, I can eventually forgive myself for it. I suppose I just find it important to give a person a "real" chance. That may look different to different people, but I have found the way that works for me, at least for now. I tend to have a "three strikes" kind of rule. This may not always be three consecutive mistakes and I "throw in the towel" so to speak, but if I have consistently been trying with a person and not getting a result, I can always sense the moment when it's time to walk away. I guess I just wanted to know what Thais's perspective is on this because I'm always open to growth!

@@kheilawarheart I also want to follow up by saying that "giving up" on someone is incredibly freeing and certainly necessary at times! I believe love is reciprocal, not always 50/50 but always give and take. Maybe one day I give more than I get and the next I get more than I am able to give. So many people want to say it should just be easy all the time; it shouldn't and it's not supposed to be. Instead, we have to expect challenges and know that each person has to be dedicated to trying (all the time). When someone isn't trying or doesn't seem to be, I think that is how I know when to give up. Unfortunately, it can take some time to see that and sometimes we will get hurt before we do.

@@melodymurtaugh2275 beautiful comments and very useful to me. I'm similar and have experienced several 'toxic' relationships in my life. However I would not call them toxic as they helped me grow and be the person I am today and I'm happy. Will I ever find the utopia of love, I don't know but I remain optimistic and continue to be self aware.

Thank you for sharing this. I have gone through a similar situation with a friend where I felt exactly like what you described in your comment. I too had to step away. And, no surprise there, but once I cut off her "supply" of me constantly reassuring her and "rooting" for her when it looked like she rarely rooted for her own self, she slowly stopped messaging me because I had stopped engaging as what felt like her life-line, her psychologist, her supply.... This right there showed me that this was an unhealthy and one-sided relationship all along; I realized there wasn''t much of a conversation, a back and forth at all. Huge growth from all this and I'm sure for her too. I wish her well because we've all struggled in one way or another. Where I struggle still is letting go of the anger I think I have for her for feeling "used" all these years. Truth is, I'm angry at myself for letting it drag on and compromise my mental health for this long. I have work to do in terms of self-forgiveness.

@@migzproduction yes, don’t beat yourself up for it. It’s good to know that you realized what was happening and stopped it. It would have happened with someone else eventually. People come into your life for all sorts of reasons. You will be better for it! Good luck 💙

Glad this one resonated with you :) -PDS team member

Makes perfect sense to me. We're biologically wired to seek genetic diversity, so where we lack or what we recognise as superior in others we're attracted to to optimise our offspring chances of survival. Does that address your confusion?

@@kheilawarheart yeah I guess. And I guess I heard her correct.

You can always try :)

@@sandrae2319 I am FA and my partner /ex is AP. Idk how to handle this. I did apologise many times over. I did ask the person to give me some time to put some effort and work in myself. Idkkk.

@@yoyo-jt6yp What was their reaction to your request?

He hasn't replied..he hasn't broken it off officially but now idk.

But. Deep down I dont wanna break it off. But if this person isnt happy with me or doesnt trust me to change myself. Then theres no point in trying I guess.

For someone who was in limerence...a true, healthy attraction doesn't feel like anxiety all the time. You feel safe.

Your right it's like a drigni just want to call or see him and its all I think of. I hate feeling like this