My avoidant (male friend? not even an ex!) keeps coming back every 6-8 weeks (at least 3 times now). He reaches out to me but he doesn’t engage in conversation or ask anything about me or my life. It’s just “hope you are well.” If I ask about him, he’s excited to share. It really feels like I’m being used. And I told him that once. He still came back almost 8 weeks later. I am really not sure what to do anymore. I just pray for him.
Mine just came back to me yesterday, pretending that nothing had happened. Here's my reply: In truth, you never really cared that much about me anyway (as you know). But I DID love you. And I really loved loving you. And maybe even more importantly, I loved myself loving you. So at least you can hold that in your heart. Can you guess what he did next?
Hey this stuff ONLY works IF you know they were super into you and just their baggage caused them to run away because of fear of getting closer or trapped. Half of these below sound like they just aren’t that into you anymore which can happen whether a person is DA, FA, or even secure. Also if bad stuff happened to end things, just forget it and move on. These videos are only helpful if an otherwise great relationship suddenly ended for no reason than somebody’s past compensation mechanisms for trauma popped up. When that happens, providing secure and consistent friendship and connection might fix things. These other dead relationships won’t revive. No matter what you do or don’t do, say or don’t say.
It’s been 4 months since my avoidantly-attached ex gf broke up with me. I’ve basically given up we will get back together and I’m letting go. She’s SO avoidant that I’m not sure she’d even want to talk about what didn’t work last time.
@@Dragooneater Right? I still do miss her and still have some feelings of wanting to get back together, but now I'm also thinking, even if we do... so what? has she leveled up as much as I am? Doubtful.
My 6 year ex is avoidant. The last month we dated she treated me like garbage and then dumped me over text. I went completely no contact. A week later she’s trying to see if we can make it work. They are weird people man 😅
I would say do not wait for them, in the meantime just work on yourself. Pretend they'll never come back, and they might surprise you. My avoidant ex broke up with me just a couple days before our two-year anniversary back in 2021... It took him almost exactly 6 months to the day to reach out and tell me he missed me. Unfortunately, I don't think we waited long enough to get back together... He hadn't done the work that I had done; not that I was perfect, I was still working on things... but I was in a much better place to start over and try again. After 5 weeks of talking and going on dates, we made it official again. Sadly, he just broke up with me again about 6 weeks ago after another two years and two months together. I'm absolutely devastated and heartbroken, and this time feels more permanent. He even blocked me, even though during our final conversation he was holding me, touching my arms and sides, wiping my tears away and pushing the hair out of my face, holding my hand with fingers interlaced.. we hugged and we kissed. I told him I loved him (he said he loved me too) and even if he thinks I'm weak (he said I'm not) that I would be willing to do whatever it took on my part to work on things and get back to where we were... he just said it didn't work out and we already tried twice. I don't think we *fully* ever got a chance to give it our all though, and that's the problem. We never had a lot of time together and that was an issue that kept us from really building together -- he lived 50 minutes from me, and the first time around he was going to school and then working third shift. The second time around he was working full time second shift and then picked up a part-time first shift job... It was a lot to juggle and try to work around, and he was always exhausted and seemed depressed. On top of just the long hours, his part-time job would also schedule him for random weekends (several in a row, Saturday and/or Sunday) and only give him a day or two notice. Our whole relationship was starting to be based around his work schedule. I did my best to try to be supportive, but it really was hurting our connection and I felt myself pull away because I was feeling like such a low priority and didn't really know where I fit in in his life... I still miss him everyday and I cry everyday. I really loved him (still do) and thought he was my person, that once we had more time we would be able to work things out, move-in together and start a family like we had been talking about. Bottom line... they may surprise you and come back, but regardless you have to move on because there's no other choice... Try to move on with the idea that they are not coming back, because that could be the reality. It sucks, and I'm sorry. Avoidants are very hard to get through to, especially if they don't have any introspection and self-reflection. 💔 Just become the best version of yourself for yourself and whoever comes along whether it's them or somebody new. I hope you continue to heal~
My ex DA of 8 years ghosted out of no where . She self admits something is wrong w her and is that she is crazy. She has major childhood trauma and a narcissistic parent and she can’t break free from the spell of manipulation and degradation. I thought things were going well with us , poof SPACE GHOST. I went no contact and have not heard from her in 5 months. I mourn the loss of us , nearly like the death of a loved one. But I recognize that I’m mourning the fact we spent 8 years and I poured myself into her , yet she does not want to get help and doesn’t believe in herself. My heart breaks for her. IF you anyone reading this is an avoidant, please for the love of God get help before entering a relationship .
While I'm not one to go back to an ex, this is actually a pretty good game plan. It's setting up the proper boundaries before going back to an ex, rather than just going off of raw emotion.
Absolutely. It's so important to get on the same page...esp before you go back in the bedroom. Before PDS...everything was raw emotion for me. Now I know to have a conversation first so there's no mixed signals from one another.
@@LeeChrissy glad you see that, it's important. I see the six weeks of no contact being the time of whether or not you're going to make the decision to get back together which is the perfect first step.
If an avoidant person would actually respond to this sort of thing on this sort of timeline, able to actually identify unmet needs and communicate, you wouldn’t be in the position you’re in in the first place. For anything like this to work on an actual avoidant the timeline needs to possibly be expanded by an order of magnitude.
True. A severe avoidant is not ready to discuss getting back together after 8 weeks, nor has he a modicum of self-reflection by then. I did contact my ex after 2/3 months of him dumping me and he was still deactivated, sticking to his narrative. But he did start to send mixed signals soon after, (call, gift sent) only to disappear for several months after each reach out. He only became truly nostalgic in the messages 15 months later! There was a hint of acknowledgment of how bad he treated me, but no full on apology and clear intentions. I now believe, the avoidant has to come to you but it may not be on your timeline.
@@MissSarahGM True, I feel they would come back to you if and when they're ready... especially if they're the dumper, I feel like it should be on them to reach out. Also, like you said, they might not be receptive to it if you reach out sooner. It definitely hurts for everything to be on their schedule, and you're left feeling hopeless... I don't think I've ever dealt with somebody like this before, also never been in love with somebody so much as I am with him, and it's so painful. 💔😞
@@jd6331 It is very painful to deal with people able to cut it off like that, and unable to self-reflect because of their trauma. As you say, if they are the dumper, it is all the more important to treat it like a normal breakup and let them reach out. In my case, I believe reaching out first, only reinforced his ego and consolidated the idea he would never lose me. Hence the breadcrumbs for so long as he didn't have to make up his mind, I always responded. Only when I had stopped doing anything, wishing his birthday, responding to his tricks, was when he came to me in a "vulnerable" way. But still not enough growth to repair it. I ignored him.
@@jd6331 It is very painful to deal with people able to cut it off like that, and unable to self-reflect because of their trauma. As you say, if they are the dumper, it is all the more important to treat it like a normal breakup and let them reach out. In my case, I believe reaching out first, only reinforced his ego and consolidated the idea he would never lose me. Hence the breadcrumbs for so long as he didn't have to make up his mind, I always responded. Only when I had stopped doing anything, wishing his birthday, responding to his tricks, was when he came to me in a "vulnerable" way. But still not enough growth to repair it. I ignored him.
@@jd6331 how long have you been no contact? Over 3 months here and it breaks my heart but I do agree he' the one who has to reach out. (He's an extreme case of DA in that respect that everything takes much longer for him - after each deactivation period it takes months till he reaches out again. Very painful.)
Never reach out to someone who rejected you!!!! After break up we can try for 1-2 times just to give them chance if they have taken decision in heat of moment But if someone is not responding then just leave and never bother them
My FA leaning DA ex completely pulled away on step 5 when told me she loved me. Went colder than the temperatures of Antarctica. Has anyone experienced something similar?
I broke NC to send a gentle reminder to my FA ex that she is worthy of love, with or without me. She has a lot of insecurity issues, and I want her to know that I support her path, whatever that looks like.
@@stainless9 thank you :) At the start of the breakup, I felt angry and resentful. But I thought about it a lot and realized that we both just want to be happy, and resentment will get me nowhere. I feel much better supporting her happiness rather than demonizing her
@@nickelodeannwell, that is wise, glad to hear that you found a way to recover your inner peace…At the same time I feel that a lot of people with secure attachment styles are getting hurt while losing a lot of precious time with people that (unawarely) have these issues. I am not judging the trauma of which their avoidance might spring from, yet I am still highly critical of the cowardice and unaccountability that often comes with this behavioral pattern. However we wanna put it and as much as empathic people want to understand negative behaviors, it still has a profound impact on others. I hope DA and FA reading this will become aware of this. There are so many blurred lines…
Already tried this but everytime i tried to chat even superficial things with him, he's still not responding much... it feels like one way conversation to the point i decided to stop reach him out anymore... i know he has his own battles with his emotional baggage and insecurity or even ashamed for everything he did... but building a bridge on my own and waiting in the middle while knowing that the other party didnt even think to treasure u like u did is the moment i choose to let him go...
As a woman who has a soft spot for DA's, I'd say it's best to try and move on. As with any situation or attachment style, if the other person is not reciprocating when you extend an olive branch then there's really no point to keep trying. ❤
@@LeeChrissy yeahh its too bad though because i treasure him no matter what our relationship was....i've done my part after all.. hope someday we can reconnect again, but if its not, maybe this is the best for both of us...
@@renicantabille I totally understand. My ex DA and I have a special connection and when I was unhealed I would feel the need to reach out. We pretty much took turns. After doing a TON of PDS work and earned secure, we're in different places now. He pops in on occasion, but can dip out just as quick so I no longer see it as anything. If I'm being honest and I can't believe I'm finally here, I think I fell out of love with him. I'll be his friend, but that's where it ends. I think getting good with yourself is far more important than pining over an ex...love or not.
Let them fight their own battles. Sounds like you are fighting a battle of your own 🩷 we can have empathy for others but not to our own detriment. Precious little time in this life to waste it on somebody who cannot love you the way you deserve to be loved. This is a lesson I learned the very hard way, so many years lost to being understanding to avoidants. I didn't understand I needed to walk away so I could get my own happy life started with someone who was present for me. Fight for yourself. Stay strong 💪🩷
I have to agree. I adore Thais and the PDS team and the work they do. It's clear they focus predominantly on DA's though. After reading through comments for however long I've been watching this channel, I wonder if she does this because the majority are anxious leaning people coming to listen about the avoidant that they feel hurt them or they want back. These videos seem to get the most activity. Some will suggest to go in the archives to find older videos, but it would be nice if she did newer ones regularly like she does for avoidants.
@@FriendMariaAdrianna An avoidant ex is just another way of describing a narcissist. Why would someone want to reconnect with them? I am one year no contact from a malignant narcissist aka avoidant. I am fully healed. Why would someone come out with a video about reconnecting? Explain
@@Truthteller1s You got me there. It took me two and a half years to get over a dismissive avoidant who had narcissistic tendencies. It was the worst time in my entire life. I would never encourage people to get back with people who treat others like they are nobody. I'm so glad you went No contact. I didn't go no contact and that was a big mistake. That's why it took me so long to get over them. I'm glad to hear that you are healed ❤️❤️❤️
I used to watch these and try to make my ex watch these like 3 years ago lol. Long time no see girly. He was cheating the whole time and left me for a male stripper who was an acquaintance of mine. He tried to come back and I cussed him out. We haven’t spoke in years. Bless your heart, you’re good intentioned, but most avoidant dudes will always be that way, and they’ll always suck. 🤷♂️
@@LeeChrissy I think if you’re secure, you most likely wouldn’t cheat though, no? I think you have to be dismissive avoidant to be a cheater and a player
@@lucasessman1910 secure, anxious, fearful and avoidant are attachment styles. They have nothing to do to with moral character and personality traits. You can be a cheater regardless of attachment.
Does this work if you were only together for 3-4 intense months? Dated many people, she felt the most compatible and best partner of all, until the day of the discard
Funny facts, i sended few hours ago message to my avoidant woman (we kept contact) and I didn't saw and talked her for months because I decided to go no contact... And now I see this video. God have a plan for me I believe. Now I'm sure, she is special and will be even if we are not together in the future.
Use this as an opportunity to empower yourself with boundaries. If they dumped you then they changed the terms of the relationship. They don't want you as a romantic partner so do not treat them like one. Treat them like a co-worker. With respect. Nothing extra 👍 they don't deserve the "extra" and the frills if they dumped you anyway. Save your loving energy for someone who deserves it 🩷
Watch out for single Mom DAs with sons. Her 31 year old son preferred his Mom to his wife, and his wife left him. The DA Mom preferred her son to me, her fiancee, and I left. Two relationships ended, and two broken people are still in need of therapy after four years. Know what secure looks like (thank you, Thais), know your worth, set your boundaries and walk away from co-dependent people with unresolved single Mom son boyfriend/husband syndrome. Most painful lesson of my life, justifiably avoidant of all DAs now who are not doing their own work already.
I think this one of the best way to go about on this whole no contact thing especially if you want your ex back. Other coaches saying wait till they reach out, i think that way they're going to do all the shit stuff with other people, then try to come back after they've been rejected or hurt.
Some of those coaches teach extremely toxic behaviors. I actually tried asking a question to one popular coach in a RU-vid live and he refused to answer questions from women. He referred to us as "flies on the walls". Lol One question I asked is "What if you're both doing no contact in hopes for the other to reach out?" I mean, are you both going to go to your grave not speaking because you don't want to be the first one to call? 😂 It's SO childish. Why torcher yourself? After some time has passed, reach out casually and test the waters. It's pretty easy to tell if they want to talk to you again by their response or lack thereof.
@@LeeChrissyIt has more to do with who was dumped. In general, the dumper should be the one to reach out because they are the ones who ended it in the first place
@@nickelodeann I'm in my 40's. I don't play games and base things on who the "dumper" was. Sometimes people break up with someone because they no longer align with them or because they asked the other person to compromise and they wouldn't. There are circumstances where the other person can absolutely reach out. So many times two heartbroken people are both trying to go no contact and try abiding by these "rules" when in the end, people in love should just give it a shot and reach out. It shouldn't matter who was right or wrong or who broke up with who...in my opinion. ❤️
no contact is not intended to get the ex back, it supposed to be healing time for yourself. If they come back good, if they don't then also great, means you're not in the same psychological wound with the ex again
@ivfel I don't think most people watch the no contact videos to get over their ex just be realistic. True it will help you to move on but people who really wants their ex back are getting attached to coaches saying no contact brings your ex back and not to contact them or wait till they contact you. The truth of the matter is ,most of them will contact you after they've been fucked up or rejected by the other person. So the message is ,if you want your ex back, don't go to no contact for a very long period of time, give them the reasonable space then try as this coach is saying
I’m an avoidant -might entertain you if the sex was good but will not actually be official with you. They’ve hit their threshold & you should give space. I know their brain bc I’m them trust me.
@@beccastroh8852 I agree. I've since done the work on myself to heal my attachment, but when I used to lean more avoidant,if I said this to someone I meant it. Personally I love when people are this direct. There's so many who are wishy washy gray area confusing types so listening to people who keep it real short and honest regardless of the other person's feelings on the subject is great because they can move on faster.
When I am reconnecting and texting a couple times a week, is there a certain amount of texts per conversation I should aim for? Like what if she only responds a couple times? Is that okay?
Do you think its a good idea to be friends with my avoidant ex? When she broke up with me she offered friendship said i love you but i'm not in love you" she lost attraction. We were together for 7 years. But she doesn't really share whats going on in her life i ask how are you and the topic usually evolves around work ...she says i'm always here for you. I worry she just feels guilt or pity being the dumper like she has to be kind to me.
Her feelings of attachment, connection are likely genuine and more so now without the pressures of a healthy, well-working, romantic relationship. I am healing-FA and care deeply for me ex-DA but I'm not asking a new healthy Partner to deal with a close friendship now that my ex and I have moved apart more emotionally. I do want him in my life occasionally, safely. He couldn't or hasn't done the work so I don't want a romantic relationship with him where we face all the same issues as before but I just handle them better.
@@AliValentine143exactly, I’m a male FA and my ex DA is the same. I don’t mind being friends but that’s about it because I know she won’t meet my needs. If I try anything romantic it’ll be with someone more emotionally available
I'm DA/FA and still live with my DA ex, we broke up four years ago or more after a decade + together, we also feel we love eachother but we're no longer in love with eachother. We're eachothers best friends and there is nothing I can't come to him with, including heartbreak in newer dating...
What if he is moving away (6 hour drive) so not quite and ex bc technically still together but in a very gray, ambiguity area bc he won’t discuss what we are doing. This is a 7.5 year relationship 😔
@@laurafennell9084 yes agree. He says he did consider me but it is for what he deems is great job opportunity and will help “us”. I see it differently. I’ve tried talking we don’t get far. He says “move when I can get there” although I have told him many times I am not moving. 😔
DA would thrive in a long-term long distance relationship. Does that disconnect and distance work for the long-term life style you'd like? After 7.5 years and they made this decision easily without you to be far away. That's not meant as an offense just another POV to consider when noting your needs and desires over time.
How would depression and anxiety affect this? My wife of 20 years left while I was at work with our 3 children. I have custody currently and she has been to ER and now sees psychiatrist monthly. I want to reconcile and put our family back together but don’t know how to do that. Does your course “how to repair any relationship” take this into account? Or do you recommend another course for midlife crisis/depression. My wife recently lost her mom to cancer, had to go back to work, lost a family home, entered her 40s, got COVID and I retired as a first responder. Please help us with advice. Thank you.
We have been separated for 8 months from a 26 year marriage. We are just now starting to have conversations and the conversations are mainly about business. I’m running out of patience but I don’t want to break up my family and business… any thoughts?
Does this work with FA girlfriends? I have been dating a lady that has trauma from past relationships but won't see me any more. We love each other a lot but I think she is so scared of me rejecting or leaving her that she keeps me away. This has been over a year now and I don't want to end the relationship but give her space and time to sort her feelings. The hope being that she realizes that not having me is more painful than her thinking I will reject or leave. I am scared that with me giving her space for some time will cause her to think I am leaving her only to reinforce what she thought. How do I go about this because I don't want our relationship to end but I also don't want to spend more time away from her?
Thank you for making this video 💜 it’s been a little over 2 months and I’m scared to reach out. I feel he should be the one to reach out first because I have a better shot of him being ready to try again and work on things. What are your thoughts on that?
So my avoidant and I broke up two months ago I’ve reached out and begged two times it got me nowhere. She was reaching out alot in the beginning that’s now stopped. I’ve been no contact now for two weeks. How much longer should I wait to reach out again ? Or should I not reach out again?
She's offering good strategies but in the long run you have to seek the Lord on this. Only God knows the recesses of the heart & how it will pan out in the future.
I'm in a weird position. We've been broken up over a year, but it was (I think) because of an understanding of her saying she needed space and me taking it as she wasn’t interested anymore (granted I asked her point blank "So you don't like me anymore?" and she said "Yeah..?" so whatareyagonnado?) . Which, to my credit, she said hurtful things like "I only saw you as a friend" (even though we did things that definitely weren't platonic) among other stuff. I was hurt, so I hurt her by being passive-aggressive all the time. So, even if I wanted to fix things, I think that bridge has already been burned to ashes. I'm thinking of texting her to apologize, but idk all of the intricacies. "Does she still feel the same?" "Would she even forgive me?" "Is this even something I want?" "Has she worked on herself like I have?" "Is this even something I should even do?" TLDR; I'm going to talk to her tomorrow and apologize, but I won't be a doormat either, not again. Though some advice in the comments would be much appreciated 🙏🏽
F**ck no, do not do this to yourself. My DA broke up with me and we lived this cycle for over two years. What a horrific waste of time. And as I look back on it, I wish I could get those years back. You don't even want her. She represents a relationship you wanted as a kid that you felt rejected from. Please stop focusing on her and heal yourself. Do something badass this week 😎 please stay strong. Even if no one else comments, anyone else who has lost lifespan to a toxic DA would tell you the same thing 🩷
If they betrayed the relationship by dumping you, they don't get your loving happy birthday words. This is where you empower yourself with boundaries. If they are a true Avoidant and you wish them a happy birthday, they'll probably come back with some BS answer. Like, "thanks!". You will hurt yourself psychologically by doing this, worst case scenario you feel rejected all over again. And you have to start the healing No contact process all over again. If you can go four weeks, you can go longer. There is a badass inside of you, so ignore their birthday the way they ignore you and go do something totally badass instead. Take a picture of yourself doing it and look back on the picture in your weak moments to remind yourself that you are strong 💪 🩷
What if me and my wife are 6.and a half hours from each other. And she says so don't want to hang out or really talk. She says she is willing to reevaluate marriage in a year?
@FriendMariaAdrianna I would be open for some advice on how to handle this. In a way that doesn't close the door..But also let's her know that I want to work things out..
