One of the most common questions that we get at Marriage Helper are from spouses who are asking, "What can I do to show my spouse that I have changed and how can I get them to come back?"
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People are asking us this question because we're so desperately wanting to do something to change where the marriage is headed, stop it in its tracks, and bring that spouse back. But there are so many things that go into this that it's not just a simple pill, a quick sentence, or a quick solution. It actually takes you first understanding some of the things that have perhaps pushed your spouse away, and then beginning to change your behavior over a period of time for that to happen.
So, Dr. Beam, how are we supposed to go about understanding how to bring our spouses back and show them that we have changed?
I wish we had a very short, simple answer to that with some magic words, and then you could go do the incantation and all of a sudden it works, but it's not that way. Kimberly Holmes is our CEO here at Marriage Helper. As we talk about this, understand that typically marriage difficulties didn't occur overnight. It took a while for those things to develop. Now, can they happen that rapidly? Yes, occasionally they can. But the questions we'll be dealing with today with the callers that have called in, are not situations that occurred instantaneously. Actually, those are very, very rare, but things that happened over a period of time. And that's what Kimberly just said. So, remember these two things as we go through this. If you want to resolve a marriage issue, two words that you must remember and almost use as an incantation, if you will, would be consistency and time. Kimberly, we talk a lot in our workshop for example, and we won't try to replicate all of that here about Sternberg's triangulation of love. Sternberg is a great researcher. Researches in three or four major areas one of which is, "what is love?". Without having time to explain all of that, basically Dr. Sternberg says that love has three basic components. One is called intimacy. One is called passion, and one is called commitment. Let me define those very quickly then we're going to talk about them. Intimacy has to do with, "into-me-see". In other words, I can be open, transparent, and vulnerable to you, and you can also be those same things to me. We build trust based on that. We open ourselves up to each other based on that. I feel accepted by you as I am not as you wish me to be. The same thing's happening the other way around, it's reciprocal between the two of us. Passion has to do with sex, of course, but it's a lot more than that. Sternberg defines it as being a craving for oneness. It's what I feel at any given moment. The more intentionally I feel, the more passionate I think that I have, or feel that I have. The third one commitment has to do with either something you evolve into like one day you realize, "wait a minute, we've developed a relationship where I really want to be here," or it could be an actual decision that you make, "I've decided I want to commit to being with you." While one says, "commitment can be made one time, and then you live it the rest of your life." In another sense, it really is made on a daily basis because of the fact that life can change. Now, Kimberly, we do a great deal on spending a lot of our time in our workshops explaining that more than we can do here.
VIDEO CHAPTERS
0:00 Your Spouse Doesn't Think You've Changed
1:34 How To Show Your Spouse You've Changed
11:53 What If Positive Changes Aren't Enough For My Spouse?
26:14 How Do I Convince My Spouse I'm A Better Person Now?
38:04 What If My Wife Lost Trust In Me After Years Of Unmet Promises?
45:55 How Do I Show My Spouse I Won't Be Controlling Anymore?
54:17 Key Takeaways From This Episode
57:44 Valuable Tool In Helping People Change For The Better
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16 июл 2024
