When You're the Affair Partner

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Throughout her decades as a therapist, Dr. Alexandra has helped many people navigate being "the affair partner." Participating in infidelity creates an intoxicating yet profoundly confusing blend of emotions and experiences. In this episode, Dr. Alexandra examines the psychology of this role and offers a compassionate look into the surrounding context: the thrills, secret benefits, sources of shame, and potential origin stories embedded within this controversial role.
Relevant links:
"A Great Wagon" by Rumi (onbeing.org/poetry/a-great-wa...)
Journal of Sex & Martial Therapy: "Object of Desire Self-Consciousness Theory" by Anthony F. Bogaert and Lori A. Brotto (med-fom-brotto.sites.olt.ubc....)
"Taking Sexy Back" (bookshop.org/p/books/taking-s...) by Dr. Alexandra Solomon
Facebook Group: Esther Perel Discussion Group ( / 793115204193690 )
Reimagining Love episode: "Guidance for the Newly Single" (link.chtbl.com/o22Rui9D)
Order Dr. Alexandra’s new book, Love Every Day (bookshop.org/p/books/love-eve...)
Subscribe to Dr. Alexandra’s Newsletter (dralexandrasolomon.com/subscr...)
Submit a Listener Question (form.jotform.com/212295995939274)
Try First Round's on Me premium with code 'DOCTOR' (firstroundsonme.co/?...)
Listen to Dateable: Your insider's look into modern dating and relationships (pod.link/1084105171/episode/c...)

Опубликовано:

8 апр 2024

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Комментарии : 54

@theruffledbunny2675 16 дней назад

A person can justify the why, the how, etc.. but the truth is a person who KNOWS a man or woman is married and doesn’t back off is wrong. Period. It’s never ok to insert yourself into a couples union even if there are problems. Every couple has issues and goes through hard times and by allowing yourself to be the “escape” that someone is craving in the moment just adds to the problems. It hardly ever ends well…

@kognitivescientist 9 дней назад

It’s wrong and reflects their own trauma of choosing emotionally unavailable partners. Healthy people don’t do it.

@LA-1969 7 дней назад

Truth

@thibodeaux99 2 дня назад

Esther Perez speaks nine languages - she states that there is a word for the other woman in all 9 Languages yet there are no words in those languages for the other man. I find that interesting.

@heatjub1317 13 дней назад

I liked that you addressed this issue. It's not talked about enough. However you didn't even touch on the devastation that the AP goes through on a daily basis. The loneliness, sadness, pain or anything like it. It would have been nice if you addressed the daily anxiety and stress the AP goes through.

@kognitivescientist 9 дней назад

That mostly about healing and stopping pursuing the emotionally unavailable men (they can be all sorts unavailable, not necessary married). Exactly because that hurts.

@musicianwren9248 День назад

I just wanted to thank you for this insight. It's helpful to me 💙

@holycompost 18 дней назад

The best talk on this topic!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@alexandrahs1 9 дней назад

Thank you so much for sharing this. XO

@camellia8625 13 дней назад

The AP is often also being played by the errant husband.

@graverob871 13 дней назад

Not always the husband

@dwaynebronk 11 дней назад

I needed this so bad

@alexandrahs1 9 дней назад

Really glad this landed for you. Sending gentleness your way.

@Avoid_Low_Frequency 15 дней назад

Thank you for this podcast. Rarely talked about and never any empathy for the affair partner, you brought so many ideas to light as to the reasons we tell ourselves that we will not hurt anyone.

@alexandrahs1 9 дней назад

Thank you so much for your comment. Wishing you all of my best!

@nurseannesinspirationalwellnes 11 дней назад

Well done

@alexandrahs1 9 дней назад

Thank you for listening!

@amc3964 27 дней назад

Have never betrayed another women or man in my life; never would. So low.

@saero1960 25 дней назад

Why are you here?

@MK-tb4gj 14 дней назад

@@saero1960 So they can feel superior

@evesbyte 12 дней назад

Judgy

@kognitivescientist 9 дней назад

@@evesbyteit’s not; it’s a _decision_ to be not a coward. Need somebody else - say it and proceed there openly. But this video is mostly about complicated and traumatised people who actually keep that intrigued

@Isabelle7moons 6 дней назад

Don't say never.

@denisships2861 17 дней назад

And never forget you can draw in sti's into your partner or into yourselves as you open your sex circle beyond what you control

@vi2623 3 дня назад

Wish you’d address the problem in older people’s marriages - sexless marriages. Usually it’s the woman doesn’t want sex anymore. Or sometimes a partner becomes ill or has a dementia. Is the other person obligated to remain sexless for the rest of his/her life in these circumstances? I know a few couples in these kinds of situations. The partner who still wants and needs sex doesn’t want to end the marriage, and neither do the affair partners they’re involved with. Both have settled lives, but just need physical intimacy. A friend of mine is in her late 60s and still very sexual. Her affair partner is in his late 60s as well, and his wife has dementia and other end-of-life health issues. They’ve been together for almost three years. He is honoring his vows for “in sickness and health” and is committed to his wife’s care, but also is still in need of sex …

@julielopez7475 14 дней назад

Thank you. For covering an important and difficult topic. It is amazing to me the hatred and animosity.And vitriol people have for this type of thing. It's no wonder that people don't want to speak up with the amount of judgmental. People out there. I truly think that comes from fear that their partner could do that to them. Life is messy.

@notbothered7239 10 дней назад

There are also many cases where the AP will harass, bully and even stalk the wife and sometimes family. Of course there are exceptions but many APs do go out of their way to be intentionally cruel and cause more destruction. I also know there are times when the wife harass the AP. It's honestly a lose lose situation on all sides. Everyone ends up hurt.

@alexandrahs1 9 дней назад

Thank you for sharing in this space.

@corriewatterson 27 дней назад

I was interested in your message until you said that you don’t take an ethical stand on the affair partner’s decision to create a deceitful relationship. Such a relationship violates another person’s autonomy, and the onus for that is on both affair partners. While there may be reasons or explanations for this decision, it can almost never be a moral one.

@northofyou33 21 день назад

That fully depends on what you preceive of as morality.

@barryepsteins4984 16 дней назад

@@northofyou33 Oh please enough of that crap. You're helping a cheating spouse destroy their marriage and their family unit. You don't have to be a part of that ... period. It's really that simple. You have total agency of your own actions. I choose not to be a part of that.

@kognitivescientist 9 дней назад

I knew a psychopath girl whose logic was: “I want to feel the _power_ of it when you take somebody from another girl”.

@annieclark5798 13 дней назад

He wasnt married had partner no children persuaded me for a year promised he would leave otherwise i refused to see him. For 18 months i had the most gorgeous relationsip of my life he said he wanted to marry me wanted to care for me the rest of my life. He then moved across the world devasted me. Im not over it never will be. He says still loves adores me yet not able to leave. Im the only one whoes life is utterly ruined. Have sympathy for the the person who believed he'd wanted me only.

@heatjub1317 13 дней назад

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I wish you the best of luck. ❤

@alexandrahs1 9 дней назад

Thank you so much for sharing your story. Sending you kindness during this challenging time.

@sandramartins364 12 дней назад

Dr. My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 5 years. Over the last eight months we have been living together in my house. He has not asked me to marry him, and I have conflicting thoughts about getting married. I really am trying to understand my own feelings. Part of me fuse that he should have asked, why hasn’t hein five years? Says why do that we are older and do not need that kind of thing or it would mess up our finances, etc. what are your thoughts on that?

@camellia8625 13 дней назад

So lovely to have a mature and balanced view on this topic

@alexandrahs1 9 дней назад

So glad this landed for you. Thank you so much for your comment!

@dwaynebronk 11 дней назад

This is the second time that I have become the affair partner and it sucks

@alexandrahs1 9 дней назад

I hope this episode was a supportive resource for you. Thank you for listening and for sharing in this space.

@untamedheart6820 12 дней назад

My husband’s affair partner was very proud at her place in the breaking up of our marriage. All three of us work at the same company & she didn’t care & both of them, the cheaters are shameless. I ended up quitting because I couldn’t go through the pain, the shame & the disrespect that both of them has put me through

@alexandrahs1 9 дней назад

This sounds incredibly painful and difficult. Wishing you peace as you continue on your healing journey.

@untamedheart6820 9 дней назад

@@alexandrahs1 it was & I haven’t recovered. But it seems karma was just right behind him; he lost a sizable $$$ for the settlement, he lost the only daughter he loves & guilt, remorse & regret all came knocking at his doorstep. He was crying & begging the time I spoke with him….but it can’t go back to where it was. I will never go back despite the fact that I still love him. God & my faith will help me along life’s way & I’m willing to wait. But never allowing a low life come back after he broke me into pieces

@renee9859 Месяц назад

Life saving 😘

@alexandrahs1 19 дней назад

So glad this landed. ❤

@saero1960 25 дней назад

I have an issue with the object of desire self-consciousness theory. It seems incredibly sexist and doesn’t take into account the socialization of women to be objects of desire. Given that we are trained to see our self-worth as evidenced by being desirable to a man wouldn’t it follow that single cis women would be more susceptible to this? Kind of offensive frankly.

@Laura-ux8vt 5 дней назад

If she doesnt want him and he doesn’t want her but she won’t let him go… it’s been over for 15 years! We’re happy together. He IS getting divorced. We never cheated. Just attracted.