One thing you could do with this format is release it first live on twitch, like a premiere. Immediately after, you could take questions from chat and post de Q&A on youtube in the same or in a different video.
I used to be a doormat. It's a major issue of low self esteem. You don't think people can like you for who you are, so just being nice to them makes you think they kind of owe it to you to like you. Like you earned their affection. But it's actually the opposite, people will lose all respect for you and treat you worse. And even those who are nice are kind of fake. But of course not more or less fake than you are at the moment. You don't come off as genuine and honest.
Personally I think the term 'mild manipulation' fits better than 'control' because my interpretation of the word control is about the ability to choose and realize potential; the doormat sacrifices themselves and never resists the other persons choice because of fear of confrontation or conflict. It is still true that the doormat is influencing the other person, and personally I think its a bad way of influencing people, hence 'manipulation', but it is still in a mild manner. The doormat sacrifice their ability to choose and generally are not the one realizing potential, with the exception for influencing the other persons perception - hence why I think 'control' is not quite correct. Although 'mild manipulation' isn't fully correct either, and it's not as catchy of a term ;)
I'm a doormat because I am deathly afraid of conflict.... more specifically with loved ones. I have no problem standing up to strangers, random acquaintances, etc. But whenever it's someone I'm close to and care deeply about, I become completely paralyzed with fear at the thought of getting into conflict with them.. On a surface level, I understand that conflict is perfectly normal & healthy, but on a subconscious level I'm just not there yet.. It's a toxic co-dependent cycle I find myself trapped in.
I am in the exact same situation and the #1 thing that has helped for me is learning how to calm my mind. It's physiologically very difficult to make rational decisions when our amygdala is activated. If you want to make a wise choice IN the moment and use what you've been studying, you need to first learn how to calm your mind. It becomes much easier to actually say what you want to say in the moment when you can shut off your fight/flight response.
PLEASE keep doing small videos like this, as well as the interview ones. I think short 10-20 minute videos on certain topics helps pull more people into the HealthyGamerGG videos and channel, and encourage them to engage and watch the longer interviews. I think it may be difficult for new people coming in to commit such a long period of time for broad topics, while these shorter ones you hit the topic straight on the head very quickly and go over everything you want to and that we need to know.
To add on, I would recommend Dr. K making more jokes/gaming/Buddhist philosophy references in these shorter videos! It's what I love about Dr. K, and I wish these shorter videos showed off that awesome and unique part of him. It feels a bit too academic/lecture-y this way, and doesn't really show off his superpower of reflective listening since he's not having a convo/chat with someone. Would be awesome to see if the longer interviews were clipped more regularly and put on YT, because Twitch can be confusing for non-gamers.
I'm a doormat, I was purchased from the decor section of a Walmart. The humans have no idea I am self aware, I sneak into there house when they are at work to watch RU-vid videos.
I feel like where this gets complicated is when it's an abusive parent-child relationship. A non-adult child can choose not to try to control a parent's reaction, but, depending on the nature of the abuse, that might come at the cost of the parent denying the child food or shelter.
Yeah, I was thinking it also gets complicated if it's some sort of physically abusive relationship. In these cases, if the person doesn't control the abusive person's reaction, they can come to physical harm and be in a lot of danger. Although I guess in both the cases of physical and non-physical abuse, in order to break out of things they have to allow themselves to stop trying to control the abuser's reactions? So I guess maybe he has a point in all these cases, but probably it should be noted that there are situations in which an abused person can't afford to give up control of their abuser's reactions until they're in a better position and have support from other people and have a way to ensure their safety.
Yeah and being a doormat is a conditioned reaction,people are conditioned to behave like a doormat because things have happened to them at a young age ,yes an adult can stand for them selves after behaving like a doormat for a couple of year or when they get their courage but what about children who are being bullied and who can't do anything about it.
I think this is super complicated in most aspects. I think it makes sense to be a people pleaser to your boss or even co-workers, because when money is involved you need to watch your back. Even outside out of that, what's the difference between being a people pleaser and trying to be a moral person?
This is a really interesting way to look at this. I've never really been a people pleaser but I have withheld things from family members (and even lied) for the same reasons in this video: control. I want to control their reactions to have comfortable, predictable interactions. How does one get comfortable with having little control over these things?
Letting go of this sort of control means you will have more honest relationships. Being as honest as possible means that you can be yourself with everyone. This situation can then bring you more peace of mind because when somebody likes you, they like the actual you. People who don't like the actual you will either learn to accept you or go away. This honesty and peace of mind is well worth it, so it might help with getting more comfortable.
AGH this is so true. I was in so many abusive scenarios for so many years because I tried to control their reaction by only selling them the rosiest picture of who I was. When my therapist finally got it through my head, I felt terrible because I realized in a sense I was being manipulative too. It's been a really hard challenge to be authentic and let people react how they will but I've learned so much more about who and what I need in my life. I still tend to be an overly accommodating person but it's something I continue to work on every day. Love that you're pushing these great messages, Dr. K 💜
Something that's also key to remember is that sometimes, enabling the abuse is the safest thing a person can do. In an abusive living situation I was in awhile back, it was the first time in my life I was truly at a point where I was finally standing up for myself, not being a doormat, not taking the abuse. But because I was dealing with a narcissist, she fed off of that. It gave her more fuel to victimize herself. Eventually I had to play the nice and good doormat girl role again, just to survive until I could get out. I fought hella hard to not do that. It's like in Dr K's "what do you do when boundaries don't work" video: I had to fawn. I had to make her believe I was helpless and all that. Anyway, definitely love this perspective. Also just wanted to share my experience in case someone needed to hear it.
I realized a while ago that this feeling of being and acting like a "doormat" was to make reactions and behaviors of people surrounding me more predictable and therefor easier to control, however, now i feel like at some point it went overboard to the other side of the extreme. What i mean is that nowadays i can't act in any way that doesn't make me think "whoa, dude, watch out, you're doing this thing again, you're gonna make this person feel that way" or "be careful how you compose yourself, people will think you're doing this on purpose to provoke this specific reaction from them" and i freaking hate it because it makes me feel like i can't ever behave right. No matter what i do, it's wrong, since in my mind it's all part of some "master plan" to manipulate the person in front of me which makes me feel guilty as hell. What's more is that while i feel powerless due to low self-esteem and all the cliches that go with it, my brain manages to convince me that i still have this "huge impact" on other people that i have to handle with utmost care to prevent a catastrophe, like somehow infecting them with depression or something if i open up too much for example. Basically, my brain tells me i'm powerless, helpless and worthless but i can somehow still cause the most destructive chaos imaginable if i'm not careful. I HATE these paradoxes so much. I HATE that i can clearly see that they *are* paradoxes and i HATE that despite coming to the logical conclusion that one side *has to be* wrong i can't figure out how to stop feeling and thinking this way. Sometimes i think it will drive me literally crazy one day. Sorry for the rant.
As a social chameleon in college I can relate to this. I tried to pretend to be quirky and energetic to hide my insecurities. It was fun at first because I had a lot more friends than I was used to but over time I got anxious and depressed. I realized that I can't act truthfully to others anymore or I will risk weirding them out. So much cringfest ensued that I don't even know were to begin. Only when I was vulnerable in Highschool that I actually felt I had real friends even though I was being bullied by others every now and then
I just want to say, I never see so much compassion on RU-vid as I do in the comments in Dr. K videos. That is really wild to me. SO, I understand everyone's comments here. I have been talked to about my "attitude" because I no longer wanted to put on a smiley face for my negligent coworkers. The truth is, I have been in service for so long and learned weird behaviors from my childhood about running away from conflict. I've pulled this 180 again and my true form pokes out, which will undoubtedly cause problems. I'm learning that I have to do this. I have to point out how gross they are. I have to tell them not to put dirty rags that fell on the floor back on the food prep counters. My advice (to myself) is this: I already know what I have to do. I have to tell them straight and direct what problems I see BEFORE I get to that boiling point. This point usually comes after losing hours of my day picking up after their insane messes and it can break me. Dr. K is right, I am strong. I do want to control the situation by avoiding conflict. Then one day, the avoidance volcano explodes and now I actually am acting like a jerk. We need to practice saying things we don't like or disagree with in a place where we won't be drawn and quartered for doing so (hint: I don't think general social media is a good place for this... except here...where I'm opening up too too much to strangers on a RU-vid comment). 🙄
be okay with being bad or having a bad influence on other people, and then maybe you can act in a way that is more certain, ur a living being your going to have reactions to you, and the more u state ur inner being, the more polarizing you become because... ur an individual, not a group. never say sorry for asserting your individuality.
This is what really helps me with my returning feelings of (mostly) toxic shame, which is a modification of what my KBT therapists were advising me to do, which might or might not apply to your situation. I keep a list of any (returning) feelings and corresponding thoughts about situations that happened in the past, i.e. "I feel ashamed because I did [X] (and I'm afraid that it will cause [Y])". And I do this while keeping it very specific and factual and while adding additional information, like mitigating circumstances, etc. whenever that applies. I then try to let them fully sink in, without fighting or rushing them, modifying them if needed. Just a warning though, once you recognize one of the feeling & thought pair, others might come along in a flood, which might feel overwhelming but also satisfying once you write them all down or that was at least my experience. Early on, I had a best of luck doing this early morning before any distractions, sitting calmly down, as if preparing for a meditation or actually doing it during the meditation and once I recognize the feelings, I try to write them all down immediately. Now though, I just write them down whenever they occur (I have a Google Spreadsheet for that, which I have a shortcut for on my phone as well, if I'm not at home).
It's been a while since my mind has been blown like this. It makes so much sense. And I would have never found out on my own. So thank you for all your work!
I love these videos, they help me the most. I think the interview stuff is super important to show people that everybody struggles with these issues, and you're not alone. But at this point, I've watched enough of them, and I'm all-in Dr. K, so I don't find them as interesting anymore. The videos where he goes over more fundamental stuff like this help me see the tricks my mind plays on me (usually in the interest of self-preservation) are incredibly helpful. This dude has armed me with the tools to revolutionize my own life, and I can't even begin to properly express my gratitude.
It's weird, he described exactly what I knew about myself, but hearing him say it in such wonderfully clear terms made it feel like a revelation. Thank you for helping change my life.
What if the consequences of not being a doormat are worse than the consequences of being one? Finances, physical health, etc. What if physically getting out of the situation puts yourself in a worse position? For example, living in a foreign country where you don't speak the language or have access to finances? What can someone do to mentally deal with an abusive/traumatizing situation they're stuck in?
@@BlueFireDudester Nailed it. I've been thinking about a situation yesterday where I became a doormat. My narcissistic housemate who I thought had finally moved out, came back to do some cleaning. I stood up to him before which was a huge challenge for me, and I thought the challenge was over. But he came back yesterday, and started smoking a joint in the living room, about which I had stood up against him twice saying he should not smoke in the living room when I am using the space nearby. He could just stand outside. He flipped out and said very mean and gaslighting and aggressive things to me when I stood up to him. I lost control of the situation and he got very, very verbally aggressive - that was the consequence of not being a doormat. But I regained some of my power through surrendering control. But yesterday, he came back to do some cleaning, and started smoking his stupid joint while I was right there in the same room. I decided to just leave it and say nothing, because he won't be living with me anymore. I just stood up quietly and walked out. Now I am furious with myself, because I sacrificed my self in order to control his annoying and horrible reaction. I am thinking what I could've done instead. I could've told him to stand outside while he smoked his joint. Then he might have said "or what?" And I would've said "Or I'll knock it out of your hand." And then he might have said... well, he probably would've been shocked, and maybe he would've smoked his cigarette outside. Or maybe he would've got violent and we would've started having a fight. My fear is, if we had started fighting, I would either get hurt badly, or I would totally lose control and punch him very hard in the throat and stomach, possibly causing him to fall and hit his had on one of the hard surfaces in the room, potentially killing or severely injuring him and going to jail, or at least getting a criminal record. This is because I don't feel in control of my aggression, and it's all-or-nothing for me: I either don't get aggressive, or I turn into a wild beast and do more damage than is necessary, and then I suffer the consequences. Which brings us back around to your point: Just because you choose not to be a doormat, doesn't mean there aren't consequences. I think you nailed it, BFD. There can be serious consequences to choosing not to be a doormat, but that's the price we have to pay for reclaiming our power.
@@iNfliktionDubBass Exactly man, but at the same time. If that guy doesn't respect you, fuck him. You've told him to stop and he constantly pisses you off. So it definitely comes across that he doesn't respect your word. I suggest u find a different place to live or kick him out if this persists. That's easier said than done though. For example: what are the consequences of kicking him out? Paying more for rent or possibly getting kicked out of your home if you can't afford to live alone. Sure, you'll feel good in the moment if you kick him out but the extra rent won't feel good would it. If you're fine with the consequences then stand up for yourself and your living space, otherwise you have to deal with it man. I'm sorry ur in this situation bro
Choose your fights, but remember there are consequences to staying in a position too. Sure, perhaps avoiding the fight today is the right call, but remember that nothing changes unless you change it, so by putting off the fight every day you'll be stuck in a situation filled with repression and anger. Finances are not a worthy reason to be a doormat. If you're worried about getting physically harmed, grow stronger, get a friend or the police involved when you have the confrontation. Walk away. It's not going to be easy, it'll be a drop at first, you'll have to sacrifice comfort. But mental health and future happiness are worth it.
I’m 26 and struggled with this my entire life. About to go to work tomorrow and stop controlling everyone’s reaction to me. This content is freeing. I’m so grateful I’ve found you this year Dr. K. You’re helping us more than you can possibly know.
@Lucas Hey Lucas, that's nice of you to ask. Things are good, I no longer deal with this problem. I found that having the ability to bite back when necessary, or at least having that belief inside, made all these problems go away. Also when having an opinion, to not be wavering about it. To have the opinion with full belief and being ready to argue the point. Timidness and lack of self belief caused most my problems socially. However, this definitely wasn't an overnight fix, I've been working on it for quite some time now.
I'm glad I watched this because I was a doormat my whole life and now I'm breaking that cycle and doing me and letting those people make their choices and being okay with that. I'm no longer stepping on eggs shells and I have you to thank for that. Letting go of that control is the best thing to ever happen to me.
I've always been a doormat because I was afraid nobody would be friends with me if I be myself so I always just try to please everyone because it's better than always being alone. Today my friend started insulting me just because he wanted to have a fight and instead of responding in kind like I used to two years ago I instead said we are not doing this today. In response he only kept saying worse and worse things and I wondered if I had made a mistake by letting this happen. Thanks I needed to hear this today.
dude/buddy/ect (whatever u use as a pronoun), i feel the same way!! Not to promote stuff but i made an animation on my channel about the abstract concept of a doormat! Check it out on my channel if ya feel like it. (no pressure tho hehe)
Mines the bloody opposite. It's even worse. She doesn't care at all. What she's concerned about is with money, rules for council fines and shit like that. Like berating me for throwing a plastic bag filled with recycling material in the recycling bin (I've got an issue with that, why not just let them chuck out the recycling bag on the way in the rubbish bin... Have a sorter. Or just tell me I made a mistake, ignorantly) and giving a harsh statement. Might as well move out and get a landlord who'll tell me the same shit. That's not the bloody way you talk to a blood relative, but I suppose, people think they own you just because they give birth to you. Fark, no thanks. I didn't ask to be born here. Just talk to me about the whole situation, don't underestimate or overestimate me. Just treat me as a normal human being, even if I'm not. If then, it's better to overestimate but lower your standards.
I really needed this a lot, I feel that i've been a doormat all of my life, always sacrificing myself for the comfort of others, always giving, never receiving, thank you doctor k.
Really interesting take I’ve never thought about it being someone who is a doormat myself this makes total sense to me there is a comfort attached to understanding the outcome even if that outcome is bad that is much easier for me that releasing control and living in an unknown ima give it a shot thank you dr.k
I think what Dr. K is saying is absolutely right! I would also like to share my own perspective as a former doormat. I used to be a huge doormat in high-school, because I lacked any and all self-worth, which was the key element for me. I felt like any attention bestowed upon me was somehow more than I deserved and I should be happy with what I was given, even if the other person was obviously exploiting my time and emotional labor, as well as the fact that my parents were upper middle class and would often treat my "friends" to nice things, because they were my friends. But at some point I became stubborn (desperately so) and I decided to become more selfish. Granted it was after I got put on anti-depressants, and I was able to make an actual genuine friend. However still, the line in the sand I drew for myself is that I would endeavor to put myself first and foremost, even if it made me an asshole, and even if it meant that people no longer wanted to hang out with me and I was to end up alone. It didn't really fix things, but it was a step in the right direction, I think. As it enabled me to make more genuine friends, and filter out people who would be bad for me, because I stubbornly refused to be stepped on and used (without my consent, at least). And this has stuck with me, even as I eventually evolved into a more healthy adult, who possesses real confidence in themselves as a person, a friend, and a human being. I still struggle internally a lot with not wanting to displease people I care about, but also not wanting to brush my own feelings and desires aside. I've let it fester unnecessarily, which has made me act out pettily. But with therapy I've learned how to manage that better. For one, that I'm not responsible for how the other person reacts to my wishes/desires/choices, and that sometimes it's ok that the other person is sad/disappointed/unhappy. It's just how things are, you can't really please everyone 100% of the time, and it's not the end of the world. It's a really light feelings, once you realize this. also, some of what Dr. K says sounds almost silly, but sometimes that's exactly what mankey brain needs to hear.
This is spot on. My aunt came to visit me to help me get ready for my wedding. I’ll never forget, and I don’t remember why she said this, but she asked, “Do you want to be a doormat for the rest of your life?” Now here I am, 14 years later, miserable… but I realized the reason I always gave in, the reason I always did things I didn’t want to do, was because I was scared of losing him. And I got to the point where I just didn’t care anymore if I lost him. I got to the point where I wanted to lose him. And I don’t know, things for me haven’t gotten too much better (I’ve got lots of other issues) but at least I’m not stressed out as much trying to do everything he wants me to do. (he has almost left a few times but then decides to stay)
Please do more like this. This is helping people. Not everyone who watches this, will be at the point in their development where they are ready to accept this, but a lot are. I was, certainly. I felt something like this was going on but I just couldn't put my finger on it. Now I can, thanks to you. Thank you so much!
I have a friend who is in an abusive relationship, who can't leave, her partner has made it so that she is now completely dependent on him, she has no job, no friends, no family to go to, she can't leave. She's stuck there, how is this going to help her, there is no choice
Pardon me for butting in, how do you see her as a friend and yet does she have none? Curious as to why you worded it that way. Hope either your situation or hers improves enough to fix this lifestyle, no one deserves that kind of (mental) abuse :/
@@Jodenfully We are old friends, before she got into this relationship. I saw the signs and warned her but it slowly became worse over time and now shes completely closed off, not even able to express herself, we barely talk anymore. But she has told me about how she is devoid of purpose now, not even knowing who she is anymore, she doesnt know what to do but doesn't want to leave either. She has been made convinced that she'll never find anyone better then him
I want to do something similar to what Dr. K does, but from a normie perspective (ie. I don't have a degree in anything related to mental health, but would love to shine light on it by talking to people throughout the internet/gaming communities). Thanks so much for the excellent inspiration, Alok! You've really got my brain juices flowing
“I don’t know if you guys like this stuff.” My man WE LOVE THIS STUFF. Keep up the great work and keep making more! I love learning these things about my own psychology and I’m pretty confident a lot of us out here need to hear these things you teach us.
"Hey there, it sounds like you're a doormat because you're afraid of losing your only friends! The trick is, just lose your friends! It's so easy!" Absolutely galactic brain take
if your friends are so shit that you feel forced to completely concede to them all the time just to keep them as friends maybe they aren't worth it just my opinion idk your situation
Yeah it sounds a bit odd since real friends accept you for who you are and genuinely like you as yourself. If you're exerting control over them just for them to stay and associate with you, they're not good friends. Granted, being alone with no social support is not ideal either but the prospect of finding better friends in the meantime is also a good idea.
I LOVE THE THUMBNAIL!!! Just seeing ‘You’ on a doormat hit something in my brain that will forever change my life! I never want to be that! Thank you for that ❤
Just had a disagreement with my dad over some passive aggressive comments and abuse. He turned and invalidated everything I said and lied to my face. This hurt. But honestly I would rather have had that happen then excuse his behavior. I need my ego boundaries and so do you guys. Otherwise the insecurities lead to projection and that's no way to live.
I can relate. More people are starting to have conflicts with me, especially my family but now at least I can finally choose for myself and stop worrying about other people's reaction. I was tired of always having to please everyone and it's still very hard to let this habit go but I'm working on it every day.
Amazing perspective. I like this approach because it makes people pleasers feel powerful and that it's in their control. That slight change in perspective can be a catalyst for change.
Okay so about the power dynamic. What if the person stops being a "doormat" and gives up control, but then the other person in the relationship decides to make their life even worse? What if it's a life & death situation? What if someone is so abusive to the point of being physically aggresive and the other person decides to become a doormat simply because it's safer that way? It's not that I disagree with what's being said here, but maybe I just want to remind people to not take everything at face value, because it might not apply to every specific situation.
dr k tells us HOW to not be a doormat, not WHETHER to be one or not. in some situations it might be safer for you to be a doormat. but its probably still good to acknowledge the control you have.
Wow this makes too much sense. I feel called out. The control thing is so right. I can’t stand when someone is upset with me, I get so restless and emotional and as much as I restrain myself I feel the need to apologize for things that are actually the other person’s fault just to make everything okay which seems so disingenuous (understandably). When I do that I often find the other person, who may not even be abusive, will follow my lead and blame me for those things making me feel worse but I let them to make them feel better because watching them in pain and realizing it’s their own fault is even more painful. I often go above and beyond to make sure everyone is happy and fine. I’ve always been told this is a good quality, maybe my only good quality, but as an adult it’s fucking debilitating at times. It’s so hard to stand up for myself especially when I’m lonely. I’m finally letting people deal with their own consequences I have my own issues. It’s really hard thought and I feel guilty. I’ve always been this way. Why am I like this?
I think it would be a good idea to clarify a difference when it comes to physically abusive relationships. I don't think this holds up once physical harm is on the table?
yeah this is disturbing advice. "let yourself surrender to another person's choice" is not applicable to all abusive relationships where that choice might include violence, stalking, death threats, and potential harm to children
I think it is unfair to say a harmful abusive relationship like that is just being a doormat. Also, "surrendering to their choice" means something different, it is related to how things pan out when you let them choose vs when you choose and deal with their real response to that choice. So that usually being passive lets you appease for a while, but choosing may lead to you having to leave that relationship
Because when the other person is aggressive it's safe to say that you don't really control their reaction, so it doesn't apply. In that case, I don't think there is a better advice that just leave.
@@luiysia@lookoutforKURT thanks for pointing it out. I had an abusive childhood and emotionally abusive friendships growing up, and then the more I grew, the more people called me "spineless" and told me it was a problem and more specifically a 'me' problem. The doormat effect in my life was directly tied to a survival mechanism and having people through my life tell me to just stop...doing it? Without anyone trying to find out why I do it and how to solve it, was depressing honestly. And then that behavior I guess is wrongly attached to videos like this- I think for a moment that they're meant to be targeting my problem, but not addressing the fact that the initial "control" was not mine, and I'm still trying to get it back from the adult in my life that only exists 20 years ago....its not really advice I can apply. What I need is trauma release, and hopefully? The people pleasing can stop? Im not sure yet... But it does sting when it is laid on so thick and general "you have to give up control" FEELS just as bad as "you were the reason he hurt you" no matter what the conversation is. and its only because of other things that I've heard from therapists or other online info to the contrary that I'm able to pull back and say "THIS does not apply to THAT"
you don't, frankly this opinion of dr k is only possible in a situation where both people indeed posses equal power (neither are reliant on eachother or can pose a threat to eachother).
Hi Jason. This advice probably is NOT intended for abusive dynamics, where your life is in danger (blackmail, coersion, finances, injury etc). If you fear for your safety, i highly recommend you call a hotline that specializes in those settings and get some additional resources. “Just leaving” is VERY dangerous for people in relationships with an ongoing pattern of abuse. There are many resources out there for outside support & infrastructure. Please take care of yourself.
I grew up in a violent house. You navigate that situation by avoiding that person as much as possible. If that isn't possible then standing up for yourself becomes even more crucial. The violence may continue forever if you don't take the bold step forward. Stay safe man.
Drinking game, Insanity mode: Do all of the above and double the shot whenever Dr. K says "the X about being/becoming". (Example: the *Key* about becoming or the *Crazy* thing about being.)
I actually teared up a little after finishing this video. I’ve never been in an abusive relationship before, but I do bear a mix of vulnerability and submissive towards someone safe or they be a loved one, most commonly towards my parents, and have gone through a minor yet traumatic case of assault as a kid. Combining them has me go through low self-esteem and trying to make approval for everyone I meet, at the same time attempting to still do the things that I like and want to do and hopefully feel good about myself. It’s like I have my own emotions in charge in my head: Anxiety and Confidence. And nowadays, I’m trying to get Confidence to be the main lead while Anxiety is trying to sneak in once in a while. This video may just helped me realize I have been a doormat for a majority of my life. The experience weren’t abusive or domestic-involving, but a part of me would just become immediately submissive to even bits of kindness, my heart racing and my anxiety going over a short conversation or moment, as though to double check everything went “perfect” despite being like a passing “hello” or a quick chat before moving on. I hated it so much; no one has hurt me since the incident, but the fact that I could act this way with anyone has me quiet and distanced. It’s like a switch that flips on automatically no matter how many times I try to keep it off. It’s like Anxiety _wants_ me to go through this cycle, and because of it I feel like I’m draining. Like the personality I have isn’t even mine, but something made to have it only beneficial for someone than for me. Like I somehow allowed this brainwash into becoming a doormat without going through terrible, endless and heartbreaking abuse - and honestly, it’s even more sad. I don’t have a reason for doing so, it just happened. But, now, I think I get it. Letting go. I’ve been holding on even when I was trying to fight back my anxiety, the self-doubt making me believe someone has to have control over me to give me a purpose of life regardless if they know me or not. It’s depressing and anxiety-inducing, and your video has got to be the first in realizing what I have to do instead of feeling worthless. Not to give myself meditation or hold a source of grounding when stressed out (although, it can very helpful at times). Not to give myself those “I can do it” or “you will succeed” prep talks. I don’t think I need to worry about going to therapy anymore, especially when I don’t have the money. Not that I’m saying these aren’t so helpful - they truly are when needed! - but this, _this_ really gave me the eye opener I truly needed. I know I’m brave. I know I’m willing to accept a change in my life one step at a time. I know I can do anything on my own. I just needed the reason why, the true reminder I needed to hear: let go of the idea of control, believing that someone has to do so to me so I can have a living. When the truth is: I do my thing, others do their own, and we go about our lives whether shared or just a one-time or occasional way. Thank you for this video. This is exactly what I needed to hear within over twenty years of my life. I hope you’ll do more like this in the future, short yet detailed enough to get the point across and to have it stick to any viewer. I’m gonna watch this video a few times more in the future, this being the exact reminder I want to keep implanted in my head. Just let go of the need for control ❤
I've been dealing with mental health issues for years; and so I've been listening to/ watching/ reading all sorts of content related to psychology/philosiphy/self help/ personal development etc, and like any other subject, quite few of the content of consumed have been life saving and life changing, some have been okay and informative and made me think twice and change some behavior, and most of them were absolutely useless. (I'm just giving you this info so that you know that I'm quite familiar with these subjects and concepts and this is not my first time facing such content at all, as a matter of fact I have a daily routine for consuming content like this to improve my mental health; and yet NOT ONCE have i come across a content about this exact subject ( of being a doormat and respecting oneself and demanding respect etc) that was so unique in prospective and so helpful. amazing! Thank you.
Great, now I got "DIY custom doormats" in my recommendations. Seriously though, I'm so glad I clicked on this video because I realized this is the one thing that's been my struggle my entire life. I've gotten better and more confident over the years, also because of Dr. K's videos, but I realize this is still a very dominant behavior of mine. I will listen to this video again and really try to "give up" control. It should be so freeing too, not being all tensed up and letting other people do whatever they wanna do. I'm very motivated to pay more attention to this in everyday situations now, and essentially practice this.
Hmm. People call each other human doormats when perceiving others as weak all the time. Have you ever heard the phrase "You let people walk all over you"? That's also calling someone a doormat.
A very different approach to thinking from a doormat’s perspective. It kind of blew my mind, I had many times felt this way, that I was walking on eggshells with other people. And most therapists out there, feed on the victim card, and make yourself see in a good light. But this is true empowerment, and making a choice for yourself and letting other people make choice for themselves- I am gonna write this and put it on my wall. Haha. Great video Dr.K. Look forward to more videos, and maybe please throw some light on attachment styles if you can.
Thanks for this vid my g. I just realized that I'm super sensible to criticism and people disliking me which is why I always play it safe when I talk to people. In the future I will keep that in my mind and say what I think is right regardless of any reactions.
Man, to me its either being a doormat or never being comfortable around anyone. If i dont relinquish control i end up being overly critical and extremely anxious torwards people. I guess that happens because i dont really feel safe with anyone, since im used to being abandoned by people for being who i am. Guess i have to just break my head on the pavement or something because ive been trying to change that my entire life but it all comes down to never feeling people or myself are enough
One year later update: I'm getting better at not being a doormat, actually. This involved breaking up with my neglectful partner, severing ties with several work colleagues and outright changing addresses. I still don't feel comfortable around people and maybe I never quite will due to childhood-through-teenage trauma but at least now I don't let them ravage my life just to feel good because of them, like a drug. The goal now is being as emotionally independent from everyone else as I can, or at least until I can have healthy and fruitful relationships with people around me. Don't get me wrong -- life is still a piece of shit and I still hate myself and my life. But it feels easier to change that now that the one who decides that is me rather than others. I'll try being here next year but i'm not sure if i can, so if anyone is reading this: You gotta sacrifice a lot of your shoddily built life to stop being a doormat, which is a good thing most of the time since you can decide for real what's worth it
@@StarmenRock Life being a piece of shit is a point of view, it's a choice. You make the most out of it, or you don't. You can continue to being angered at your circumstances, or take responsibility and do what you have to do to improve your life.
inspirational video. Made me realize that the only way to not be a doormat at work was to give up control by standing up for myself. I was fired for it but it feels good to finally stop trying to control things. I am no longer a doormat thanks dr k
I agree with a lot of this, but I would like to add that if one is in a very violent or life-threatening situation or relationship, it's hard to not be a doormat in that moment for the sake of your own safety. So I think advice like this is best applied on a case by case basis, but I do agree there are many relationships in which "being the doormat to control how the other person views you" does take place and leads to a lot of toxicity.
@@JohnSeniorGaming Isn’t as easy, especially if the abuser made sure to be that person last resort, cutting bridges with their family, being their only money source, isolating them from their friends etc
Really love this format! First of all the topic itself is one that I think many (including myself) can absolutely relate too. The information provided is effective and conveyed in a unique way with good visuals. I personally like more graphics to go along as it keeps me more interested when I'm watching a presentation, but aside from that this was an amazing video! Thank you healthy gamer and Dr.K for all the great work that you do!
I agree with the points you're making, there is also another was this happens where abusers frame your ability to put up with them as being strong and they go on about everyone that has left them. Then it feels like leaving them is admitting defeat but at some stage you just have to ask yourself who you're living your life for.
Timely! I'm working on this in therapy. I was just diagnosed as ADHD and Autistic. I haven't told my parents about the latter yet because I want to control their reactions to me. And that is also why I avoid confrontation with them, because they can be loud and forceful with their opinions. Perhaps, a lot of us doormats get anxious from anger or hysteria directed at us.
Let them be loud and forceful. You don't have to like it, or agree with them. The hard part comes with controlling your own reactions and expression of disagreement with them. Stand up for yourself but be honest. But mostly, remain calm and collected while letting them know how and why you disagree. You can't stop the anxiety that inherently comes from disagreement. But don't try to avoid it by not standing up for yourself.
@@JohnSeniorGaming It's extra tough when I am disabled, dependent on them, and living with them. But yeah I should at least start with little things and push back some.
Thanks man, first video I ever watched from you. Recently started coming to terms with myself and this video really set the stone for me. Appreciate it!
The fewer strong desires you have, the less others will be able to control them and use you as a doormat. A little meditation each day can get you very far with that
This comment is really ironic, and not even in a good way. At the end you are still letting go of something to change other's behaviours. Imagine living without desires lmao.
@The Self-Improvement Hub I feel like we didn't understand the same thing from this video. To me, Dr.K was explaining that the doormats are the one in control by serving other people. As @Color OfTheSky pointed out, they definitely get a benefit by hiding their desires. So to NOT be a doormat, you should instead express your desires more often, and take the risk of irritating the person you have in front of you.
@@melikmourali2072 You could also not care too much about what the other person wants. That way the person loses all control over you and can't treat you poorly - or at least you aren't affected by it too much. That way of tackling things might feel a bit "unnatural" at first
@@JohnSmith-ox3gy Although I'm sure it is subjective I don't quite know what is meant by "strong desires" or "extream wants" e.g. All i know is "not wanting anything so people can't control you with it" seems too much like being a rock. Problem isn't the action of wanting itself so you can't fix the problem by getting rid of wanting. P.s: for Dr. K the problem seems to be about reluctant change, insincerity and some what fear of consequences.
I don't agree with the way you've framed this up wrt abusive relationships. We need to be precise with our terms, and 'abusive relationship' can refer to situations in which the abuser uses emotional or physical abuse to entrain the victim. The victim will modulate their behaviour in order to avoid abuse, sure. But particularly in the case of physical violence it makes little sense to talk of empowerment in bringing this dynamic to light. Furthermore, it is often the abusers intention to induce this response and in that case their wilful exertion succeeds in having 'power' to determine the victims behaviour. This is a question of precision and context. I find you argument to be valid in the case of less severe cases where we wouldn't say real abuse is taking place. But we need to be really careful in how we talk about these things, so as not to lose sight of the social dimension. For instance it can indeed be valuable to stand up for yourself at work, but because of the structure of power within firms and our reliance on the wage system for susbsistence the worker isn't 'in control' of their bullying boss. In that case, we should ask questions about the legitmacey of the structure of firms and emphasise the importance of organised labor as a countervailing power.
I get your point and you are totally right, but I believe Dr K's audience is gamers and "hardcore abusive relationships" are not as common within his viewers. If a gamer would be a doormat, I would think they are doormats in the "weak-willed" sense rather than "my partner hits me whenever I dare to launch LoL" He probably should have mentioned this, though.
@@dorindoncenco6568 in high school, i knew someone with married adult friends who lived together and played minecraft 24/7. we joined their server and were horsing around like teenagers in a video game, ended up losing one of their 20 full stacks of obsidian, and the guy had a complete breakdown and shut down the server. from what my buddy told me, that night ended in unhinged physical violence from him, directed at his wife and computer, over minecraft resources and like, idk how much you've talked to adult gamers in the "obsessing over one super complex game that they HAVE to be the best at" breed, but the minecraft psycho guy seems like part of a pattern in my experience. like, a certain level of obsession - when a singular fixation becomes someone's ENTIRE personality - is a red flag ime
@@dorindoncenco6568 there are context to which his explanation and suggestions apply - I have personally benefitted from gaining a similar understanding and changing my behavour. However, 'abusive relationship' is a term with a specific meaning and scope. It covers contexts where what Dr.K says really doesn't apply. I gave the example of workplaces in my comment. I have just replied to someone commenting on this video who fell fowl of exactly the kind of warped perspective I was referencing. This demonstrates that there is a real problem in his framing. Alok did a very poor job of qualify the contexts in which his explanation applies, and a very poor job of really dissecting the power dynamics, relations of cause and effect and responsability in abusive relationships. That's important, because he could have just talked about being a doormat rather than bringing in abusive relationships. Even in that case he would needed to have made more of an effort to qualify than he did. That he didn't do so is potentially harmfil if there are people in abusive relationships watching this video and taking on board what he says.
Thanks a bunch for posting the short videos as well as your interviews. I listen to the interviews a lot for insightful adjustments I could be making in my own life and will often send the shorter videos to my colleagues to peak their interest in your channel. I'm personally in a much better place thanks to the work HealthyGamer does thank ya so much.
