Just don't tolerate anyone's BS. Either they will respect you or they can fuck off. If they are real people then they'll respect your boundaries, anyone who takes offense to you standing your own ground was only your friend or whatever to benefit from you, keep those kind of people out of your social circle
Aristus Caywood real shit, people start turning against you, you finally drop your balls. People turn against you, flip shit and turn into a victim and call you a monster.
As soon as you stand up for yourself - they call you aggressive, violent or nasty. That is a terrible trait and if you have somebody that pushes you and pushes you then plays the victim as soon as you say "no" to them, then walk away from them and dont turn back
Then you have to clarify, calmly that you are not, and that they pushed the situation. They are putting out a narrative that is not right and it is on you to tell them so. Just stay grounded, connected to your source, and speak honestly and assertively.
The problem is there are so many parents who dominate their children into having zero teeth or self esteem. You are forced to be polite at all times and never learn to deal with confrontation in a reasonable way. You just sit there and repress for as long as you can until the dam breaks. It's really really hard for me to be anything but polite with someone I barely know, I've been taught my whole life I am the problem... and that I'm just too sensitive etc etc. So I tend to wait a long time to make sure the other person really is being offensive and I'm not just imagining it.
Omg this is exactly how I FEEL. But I’ve never really been able to put it into words. Just reading this is making me tear up. And it’s exactly what’s going on in my life right now. Sometimes I just feel like there’s no right answer or magic formula to not getting hurt. It’s so hard to deal with this stuff. Dealing with it comes with a lot of punches and pains.
I can totally relate. When you've been raised like this and shamed a lot, you're raised to be submissive. So being in the adult world can be quite scary when you encounter bullying, overpowering personalities you just go into shock and don't stand up for yourself as you've been triggered back to your childlike state. This is what happens to me anyway, I'm still learning how to deal with overpowering, loud, obnoxious people who are in groups where I'd prefer not to lose the group.
Especially girls are taught at a young age to be agreeable, dismiss their own feelings & having loose boundaries. This leads to people pleasing tendencies, being disrespected, taken advantage of & being treated like a doormat.
@@beewest5704 mmmm I gotta disagree here. Women are taught to be two-faced and vindictive. While they appear to be nicer and more well behaved everyone knows you never want to cross one in any way or they will make it their mission to destroy you. This gets especially bad when they hit their young adult years and finally feel free of wearing the mask.
@@Aerational Being disrespected, taken advantage of & treated as a doormat can make SOME women swing to the opposite end which is what you talked about. Its more a result ( coping mechanism) than what they were taught. Most will stay a doormat their whole life that is why domestic abuse is such a big problem. Some women grow up & take a more balanced approach. They teach themselves to be assertive, put up boundaries & build self -esteem.
Julio Villegas if I was sat in front of him I would not be able to concentrate on what he’s saying, I’d be worried he might stab me for not listening to him.
I drop anyone that consistently insult me. Just like Jocko said once.."every second counts" well every insult affects you and your self esteem over time. My definition of friendship is mutual respect.
My real friends would not take pleasure in hurting me even if the opportunity arises, it's actually a good way to see people's true faces, the problem is in my experience, the large majority of people will take advantage of you. Keep those rare gems who are real friends close.
Heard a great saying. The people who get mad at you for setting boundaries are the people who benefited from you not having any. I'm finally putting my foot down and now I'm public enemy number one
Yeah, the guys (some of them) I work with have some serious attitude problems....Ill be honest, I dont know if its because Im a female and confident in what Im doing at work or what, but when i tell them to back off or w.e, they dont. So I tell em again, still dont. Then the foot comes down and Im a bitch as a result. *Which frankly doesnt bother me, Id rather be known as someone whose a bitch if you screw with me than a doormat* Edit o/ Hallo, thanks for the likes. Things are much better now. I'm in a better work environment than previously. Hope everyone is doing well. Also the absolute worst experience with someone thinking I'm a doormat was when my ex boyfriend started trying to order me around. 🙄 he still has surprised pikachu face about it
I used to have a boss who just treated everyone like Trash. One day he starts screaming at me for nothing and I just started laughing and turned around and looked at him and said "you better calm down old man or you're going to have a heart attack" he fired me on the spot. and I will say that's been one of the best things that's happened to me.
Physically distancing yourself from people that don't take you seriously or treat you like a doormat can create mental and emotional distance which will help regain confidence and self assurance and allow you to protect yourself. Get out of punching, range so to speak. Maintain a safe distance.
Bruh, i had a "friend" who used to make me the butt of jokes and all that. I stopped dealing with her because i couldnt take it anymore. One time skip later, i find out that she actually liked me and did those things to be petty. Second, she followed me on instagram and tried messaging me. I ignored her, even after she mad several attempts. Just a month ago, one of my homeboys told me about what she was up to, but i had no idea since i didnt even look at her page. We both find out that she literally hid her posts and Stories from me. lol
Also a note on agreeableness: make sure your agreeableness isn’t actually a trauma response to avoid rejection or perceived abandonment. This will usually be accompanied by a feeling of entitlement “I did this for them so they should treat me well in return”. Being a kind, good and honest person is far superior to any kind of agreeableness for any reason.
I've noticed for years, no matter where I lived, people can treat you like crap, but if you say anything back, you're the bad guy. Even if it's the first time
Yup. I’ve even had them go to HR. Treat me like trash, talk behind my back, and I decide to confront them one day. Didn’t even cuss, didn’t even call them anything, just said I don’t appreciate how they talk to me. Well then they went to HR and complained against me.
I agree, just be the bad guy and remind your opponent he ain't king of shit. I've generally found that if you call people out for being disrespectful they at least get put back on their toes.
If you have narcissistic parents, you get raised to be a doormat...not only to your parents but for everyone. Then you get bullied in school and at work of course. First step is : realizing this. Second step : stand up for yourself in a kind manner but every second of the day. This will break your habit and other people's habit over time. Word of caution : Narcissistic parents will start a war on you the first year. Do not comply in any way, but stay calm and just say no. This is my experience. *UPDATE 22TH JULY 2023* I found cognitive behavioral therapy, this will help us manage negative emotions like anger, frustrations, fear, ... when they get triggered by for example a narcissist, And not keeping them in but expressing these emotions in a calm conversation, setting our boundaries (which I never learned) before these emotions destroy us on the inside. In my case my digestion. It could be really helpful to find and start this therapy. Good luck warriors 🤞🏻💪🏻
Over 70 here. And i've come to realize you're right. Both my parents were artists. It doesn't get any more narcissistic than that. For me staying calm has been (and still is) the tough part. Been in psychiatric hospital twice. Therapy with second rate psychologists hasn't helped any. Realizing that the initial cause of my problems is narcissistic parents helps a lot. They always told me "YOU'RE SHY." *THEY'RE* the ones who raised me that way. Looking back on many significant events i now see the pattern quite clearly. Thanks for putting into words what i have felt but never been able to put my finger on.
quaz imodo you are very right. I was raised and designed to be compliant and agreeable. If I wasn’t I was left out. A lot of mental unhealthy behaviors. We survived the situation. Now I am realizing it and hope to overcome some of this
@springmasskid92 Go because you want to become stronger and free from their grip. Don't go because they have told you too, sounds like another means of putting you down/controlling. When YOUR ready then start searching for a therapist. 👍🐒
Became friends with every bully I’ve ever had. Almost every reason for why they picked on me was because I didn’t care how people viewed me and it bothered them I didn’t need that approval. I just cared how I view myself. I know too many people who let random people live in their head when that person probably doesn’t even know who they are. The problems of a generation that promoted narcissism distanced humbleness and ignores originality. The realm of basic accountability is just lost to so many.
@@maxstewart3460 there will always be shitty opinions outside of your control to do anything about. Also it helps to understand more people just want to be affirmed than they even care about said opinions. I think it’s healthy to assume most individuals just project hot takes purely because it gets them attention.
This is so true! I became friends with childhood bully and he said something similar. Apparently i give off the "indifference" vibe. They always wanna know what youre thinking and it bothers them.
This reminds me of me. I am known to be an aggressive individual. The problem begins with my failure to communicate and set my boundaries. Then I feel taken advantaged or taken for granted and go off. I’m learning to bring up my issues with people regularly not until it’s too late. I no longer want to be defined by my aggression.
Same thing happens with me but when you’re aggressive it means your more direct to the point then people don’t want to be around you. When you mellow out and communicate they try to doormat you or even back door you. Fuck that I’m assertive and if you don’t like it oh well🤷🏻
They know they absolutely know then they gaslight you and flip the script they becoem entitled as you help them when you refuse their demands suddenly you re all sorts of things
If I was your significant other I'd obey you to the max, You are the one that is in total control. Everyday, I'd come home from work and the 1 st thing I do, is give you my phone...don't want any distractions, then I'd everything you want done, which must be done to your satisfaction. I'd do whatever you tell me to do with no back talk or arguing. On the weekends, I'd do what you want me to do, Before I have my "Free time" ....IF you allow me to have free time!
I've had friends, family, etc. throughout my life push me to the point where I either lost my temper or cried my eyes out from complete frustration. They pick, push and take your ass to the brink of insanity.
Some don't know what they doing, others do it on purpose. Put some distance between you and them if you can, you MUST come first. You don't need to be a saint al all times and take it, you just need to be morally consistent with yourself.
It depends on how much you’ve been beaten down picked on and bullied throughout your life and sometimes you stood up for yourself and sometimes you didn’t. Most the time you didn’t. Then you get older. Then when these things happen you are hypersensitive to it, you do think about it, you ruminate on it. You think about killing the person. You have to take medication to keep you calm and try to get on with your day and you swear to yourself that if anyone does it today you’re going to stand up for yourself. So when the time comes that someone even slightly insults you or picks on you or seemingly bullies you, you explode. Don’t let it go too far! Always stand up for yourself! If you don’t it’ll eat you alive. It’s not so easy to just say “don’t let it get to you “. Stay hard
I used to be a doormat for people mostly in my teens and early 20's, and then one day I decided to face my fears and the more I did it, the more assertive I became and people around me were in shock. Exactly what you're saying Jocko.
I've lived through the same thing..it never surprises me how people react to me when I finally put that line on the ground..amd it always seems to make me the asshole..I'm still working on my timing with growl to bite..
My first Law Professor in College was Dr. Brian Terry. His nickname was “Terry The Terrible” He was a Marine, and taught through intimidation. Every class meant four hours of homework - 11 law briefs. He changed me from an animal house mentality, to learning how to study, prepare, and get good grades. It was the only Trimester that I got a 4.0 GPA. Thanks to him, I learned how to become a student. He never took any crap from anyone, yet challenged everyone to work harder and get much greater results. He didn't care if he was hated. It was not his goal to become our buddy. I and some others were very grateful for his barking. His barking meant Transformation. I learned more from him then any other class that I ever took.
This reminds me of a doctor i crossed paths with during my paramedic training. He was chief of trauma surgery at a major trauma center where I was training. Former army doc who was part time on the SWAT team for kicks. Most intense human being Ive ever met. I did an overnight clinical on Cinco de Mayo, which if you know anything about healthcare, warm weather holidays are usually the craziest nights. Anywho, this doc was on call that night and the ER got overrun with major traumas so he was forced to come in. Within minutes you could hear him screaming from one room to the next. Eventually he makes it to the room I was working in (a trauma patient who literally got curb stomped American History X style) and began screaming at the female nurses who were struggling to start an IV and the resident doc who was failing to intubate. I was the only male in the room. The nurse next to me was shaking like a leaf on a tree and was completely incapable of starting the IV at that moment. Through the screaming I was able to start the IV. The screaming stopped and he patted me on the back and told me good job. Never felt more validated in my life. As I got to know him over the next year, I discovered that he was actually an excellent teacher who loved teaching students but demanded excellence from those he invested his time with. I'll never forget that guy. His methods were brash and likely inappropriate for the civilian setting but he pushed people, including myself, to greater heights than they believed themselves capable of. I'll forever be thankful for him.
@@williamhermann6635yeah but he sounds like he tore down more people than he built up. Glad he helped you tho. I’m in the medical field and it’s not good when someone is yelling like that in an already chaotic atmosphere
Here's a personal story from me, and it's a story which, I think, shows the importance of standing up for yourself, and putting your foot down. I hope it can help to the young guys out there, those who are like I used to be. Back in highschool, I was a pretty harmless guy, got along with people pretty well, never picked fights with people etc. One day during class, our professor which was quite a strict guy, and his subject was super hard, most of us were barely scraping by, this guy leaves the classroom and says he has an emergency, and that he will be back in about 15-20 minutes, we are to do our assignments and stay in class. Our class didn't have a single girl, so you can imagine how most of us reacted to such orders. Some guys began making a proper fucking mess in the class, yelling, throwing sh*t around etc. Suddenly the school principal walks in, he was walking around in the hallway, trying to investigate where all this noise is coming from, and he was proper fu*king furious. We were in big trouble, because of these 3-4 main trouble makers, most of us were still sitting down just talking but these 4 started literally flipping tables and sh*t. Our professor comes back and principal tells him what happened, that the entire school complained about our class, and he tells him he's gonna sort it out. Boy we were in some deep sh*t, our professor told us we will have no chance at fixing our grades from tests, most of us would pretty much get an F and we would later try to fix them, and he was going to take that right away from us if we don't point out who was flipping tables. He gave each of us a piece of paper, and said that we are to write who did it there, and leave the papers on his table. We all made a pact not to tell who did it, and leave the papers blank or say like.. I don't know, for example. Fast forward >> to the end of the school day, someone snitched and told the professor who did it, and everyone was wondering who it was. We had a break, and I was outside sitting with my friends, and one of my friends walks up to me and tells me that one of the guys from class told everyone that I was the one who snitched those guys out to professor. Mind you I have no idea why would I be the guy to do that but he decided that it was clear enough that I was the one to blame. I swear to God, I have never been so angry in my life, i stood up from the bench, went into our class and found this guy sitting in there. This guy was about double my size, i was 5'9 and he was like 6'2, I yelled my lungs out at this guy, asked him how the hell can he accuse me of that, where is his evidence, and this guy legitimately shat himself there, he didn't utter a single word, everyone else from class was watching this go down and nobody said anything, for the first time in my life, I stood up for myself there and then, it's a different tone of voice that comes out of you, I'm telling you, It's this deep commanding voice that shuts everyone up and makes them listen to what you have to say. After I was done yelling at him, i just went and sat down in class, and calmed down after a while. Then, I learned, I only stand up for myself when someone really steps on my toe, because i'm usually a pretty easy going guy, i make jokes, make people laugh, i make jokes at my own account mostly, and I don't mind if people make jokes at my account, even if they overdo it, I tolerate a lot, but if things really go into radical, only then I bite back. I don't know if it was a good thing to react in such a way, but it cleared me of all blame, in everyone's eyes. And it showed to me that I can, in fact stand up for myself, and that I am not as toothless as I always thought I was. The next time i would stand up for myself in that manner, would happen years later, when I stood up to my tyrannical father, who was an alcoholic which was starting to take it out on his family, not physically, mind you, but verbally. After I stood up to him, after that same commanding voice came from the depths of my being, and yelled at him, he ceased drinking so much, he even went to a doctor and found out he was nearing liver cirrhosis. My family was trying to get him to see a doctor for years and he didn't listen to them, and instead kept his sh*tty habits, anybody who has an alcoholic in the family knows how hard it is to get these people to seek medical help. In one day when he stepped on his son's toes, only then he learned that there are boundaries that he needs to respect, and that he has a problem. Funny enough, after visiting the doctor, and finding out about his terrible health, it was the first time in my life that I seen him drink water... If that day I didn't stand up to him, he would not be alive today, I can almost bet on that. So yeah, a bit of a personal story from me, but there, watch what people say, and stand up for what is important and what matters, but beware, there is always a risk there, with the first story from high school, i could have gotten into a really bad fight with that guy, which was again - double my size, so you can imagine who would win there, and with my father, the same thing could happen and i could have been kicked out of the house for my behaviour, but these are the risks i accepted then, and was fully aware of these possibilities.
Hey that's awesome I'm tearing up a little bit because I don't think I could ever do that. Girls are mean too but they usually use passive aggressive behavior and if I use higher tone somehow I ended up being the aggressors.
You did these things because you were angry. But a truly strong character draws that line before they get angry. They stay cool and composed and say their piece assertivly without shouting.
yeah, passive people definitely need to exercise their „aggressivity“ a bit more. There are multiple levels of reactivity in-between 0 and 100 that they are not aware of, that‘s why they immediately go to „red alert“. In my own quest to learn this the most important lesson was to not have false expectations, instead know exactly what to expect from each person around you. Very simple example: why start a conversation with the person who never even bothers to properly greet you? Or: watch how people treat others. That‘s exactly how they are going to treat you too... just wait. Once you learn to categorize people like that you can prevent a lot of chaos, and should someone escalate you are at least not shocked, because you sort of expected this anyway, therefor you will not freeze (which is often what happens to people with wrong expectations)
I can relate, in high school I was a relatively passive and anti-social person. Then one day when I was walking to class, four guys were messing around with each other and one of them accidentally bumped into me then didn't acknowledge me afterwards and the four of them kept on with messing with each other as they moved forwards. A violent rage instantly fell over me and I charged the one that bumped into me and violently pushed him into his three friends while aggressively yelling "Why the fuck did you push me bro?" I then started walking backwards to where I was heading while shouting "Fuck off bro." All the while the four of them were staring at me while leaning backwards like I was a maniacal psychopath. Thankfully no fight broke out though.
Be your own Boss when making money, Live in your own House, Be In Control in all situations, You will see the respect go up when your in a position of power no matter what...but most importantly...When you are in a position of power..treat others with respect, Don't become but what you despise. That's what I learned in life.
@jay Ain't no way in the hell she would've done that s*** to me! People treat you the way you allow them to treat you. That was very inappropriate on the manager's part. I've never treated my subordinates in that way.
I’ve very recently started becoming more assertive in my personal and professional life and have established healthy boundaries. I let people know that I’m not a doormat with how I carry myself and how I speak. Throughout my entire teenage years up until now (27 years old) I’ve let people abuse my kindness and take advantage of my good nature. Not anymore!
So true. I find so many people can be so rude and mocking. I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I am getting sick of being treated like crap and went from one extreme of saying nothing to snapping and its true I realize people take advantage of this and never see their rudeness beforehand but blame your reaction. I am trying to learn a middle ground.
That's why it's so important to express your needs & boundaries with tactful assertiveness before feelings turn into aggression. Some really good people get labelled as aggressive & or verbally abusive when they let things get to a point where their reaction is to blow up at the people that piss them off
This was my whole 2019, concluding with a lowkey manipulative relative on 2nd January. No time for the bs in 2020, groundwork has been laid and change is in motion 👌🏾
People who are muscular, intimidating or influential never seem to give good advice on this subject. That's because they're treated differently. Here's my take: Being treated as a doormat doesn't happen to just people pleasers. It can also happen to people who refuse to be fake just to fit in. Whether you're treated as a doormat or not depends on the attitude of the people around you. You might be a people pleaser. As a sensible man, I will not take advantage of you for it but I will keep a distance knowing that people pleasers can be difficult in their own ways. A toxic or deceptive person on the other hand will take advantage because of their toxic nature. You may continue to be harrassed whether you're silent or aggressive. As a human, you can't always hide your emotions. If someone crosses the line, you have every right to express yourself. Toxic people love it and will continue to harrass you. People who are normal will stop. What's the solution then? First, you need to be with a group of reliable friends so that you're not an easy target. It's much easier said than done, especially considering the number of sociopaths that walk around pretending to be good/normal people. I'm highly introverted, so I say this without any bias. Without a support group, people will not feel threatened by you. Toxic people need to think that there will be consequences for upsetting you. They're not very brave so that fear will keep them at bay. There are more tips that I have. But I'll wait and see if anyone has interest to hear it ... I typed too much already. EDIT: This is PART-1
Omg every word you have written is so dam true. I had a problem in saying no for anything to my so called friends in college. I did everything to fit in, readjusted my schedules for them, made plans on days it was convenient for them, went on places they chose, always drove them around for stuff blah blah. I was living in this whole illusional world of the good and kind girl I created who never says no to anynody. It was untill later that I realized that they never really respected me and treated me like a doormat when they treated that one bossy condescending girl with respect because she always made sure her opinion is the last in any plan we made. When I decided to change it and set some boundaries I turned the bad guy for them who changed. But it was all my fault coz I allowed myself to be treated like the from the get-go. I shattered there delusion of me that I created myself. I realized it was too late and couldn't be fixed, not that I wanted to fix with those assholes.
Remember to be easy on yourself. Don't keep regretting the way you reacted or for not responding at all. It's not easy to be in this situation. The offenders are unlikely to do any better if the roles were reversed. In most cases, people regret not having said anything back. Even though forgiveness and 'the art of walking away' are admirable, its hard to be that way all the time. If you try, you may feel overwhelmed and wish you had retaliated. Sometimes you won't retaliate if you're concerned that you may regret saying something that will make the situation worse. But the pain from not saying anything is usually stronger than the pain of regretting something that was said. The best feeling is saying something that is short, clever and catches the offender off guard. The best part is that you don't have to be quick-witted. You just need to be prepared. Identify the type of trouble-makers in your life and craft comebacks for the situations you often find yourself in. If you think that takes too much time, then here's something that will be useful: ishouldhavesaid.net/ The above website has a whole bunch of comebacks that have been categorized for different situations, insults and different types of toxic people. Some of the comebacks are awesome, some need to be modified to fit your situation and some can be ignored. It's a good starting point. The website is free to use, but they also sell a product to boost your progress This is PART-2. I'll wait to see if anyone wants a PART-3
I always feel scared when I have to confront someone Idk exactly what I'm scared of but my brain give me this anxiety and I just give in and try to avoid the confrontation and I just realised couple days before that because I was always scared and never stood up for myself most people I knew walked over me my brother my friends everyone knew that I wouldn't do shit so they took advantage of that I decided to stop being a door mat I'm still scared but what sacres me more is how my life's going to be in the future if kept being like this
Dude, I feel you. Same shit happens with me. Nobody respects me and roll their eyes when I’m trying to have a conversation. I’ve deeply thought about this and I’ve realised that ever since I was a child i never set any boundaries and let people treat me like garbage. I couldn’t bring myself to talk back because of fear. Yes, this very day like hours before I’ve had my co-worker talk shit to me(he’s my senior and I wanted help with something so I went to ask him for advice and he wouldn’t even pay attention to what I’m saying) yes he did help me but at every second he would throw insults at me making me feel shit. I do feel bad and I’m still angry at that guy, but I’m more angry at myself for being quiet. Every time someone insults me I feel the fear in my heart and I start fumbling my words which gives the other person more power and confidence. I have realised that I have to change this and set proper boundaries but I have no clue how to stand my ground when fear strikes me automatically in such situations. God please help me.
@@Sarvesh_C It's gonna be hard for us to set boundaries after being like this for years, but it has to be done just try to make the situation better everyday little improvements on a daily basis till you make it. I know it's tough keep your head up and stay strong bro
Lack of experience and if your introverted to the 10th degree like me an argument feels like being imprisoned or sent to war. No in between. You have to build up your own expectations in little ways but cumulative, constructive, without stopping. It gets easier
What you are saying is so true. I was skinny and always treated like a doormatt. After some weightlifting and 10kg+ they all stopped teasing, and are more respectfull. So becoming big count a lot
I know. Following an illness I lost 40 pounds, my whole experience of life changed. People wanted to dominate me in all types of ways and I had to be in physical fights to assert my ground. People will only respect your size. I am getting back to the gym, let's see if I get tested or even contradicted in a simple conversation in 18 months.
bjj or lifting, or any physical struggle with increase your confidence. Because you learn that shit you thought was super scary, you realized wasnt all that once you actually faced it.
Jhanero Evans A thing I like to employ to test the waters of their “jokes” is to dish it right back in the same form. Almost ALWAYS they get furiously offended and stand there gobsmacked because they never expect someone so “agreeable” to sock them. And I’m like yeah STFU you coward ass bitch. They never do it again because they know I’ll maul them even worse next time.
There was a lot of dv in my home growing up. I learned to either be a chameleon (shift my identity to avoid being in the line of fire) or be invisible. Along with being extremely extremely skinny I was low in assertiveness, high in agreeableness. I got into lifting weights and that helped immensely. I have learned a few things: 1. Givers/kind people have to have limits and boundaries, because Takers and bad people don’t. 2. Someones opinion of me does not have to be my reality. 3. Sometimes standing up for yourself means walking away. 4. We all sin and hurt people. Forgiveness is a divine trait. 5. It never was about you. Its about them and their fears and insecurities. They are still down in that dark cave full of shadows. Im looking down wondering why they dont just climb up. 6. Dont go looking for it but always know you can walk away. 7. Some people have very serious mental disorders that cause them to behave in a way that hurts the people around them. Set boundaries. Decide if you can see the person separate from the active mental disorder. If you can’t thats ok. Dont have a blowup they are seeking thatw
This is me, I try so hard to get along with people that I don't communicate my boundaries and it eventually always leads to me getting taken advantage of. Recently this happened with our neighbors, they kept overstepping and we just shrugged it off until one day they took it too far and we got into a big argument. It's awkward now 🙃
Set boundaries early. Even If its "too late" then stand your ground. People will go 180 too and try to shame you, double down or question your behavior trying to make you feel guilty aka mirroring. Don't give in to gaslighting and those manipulation tactics. GET FUCKING MAD LAD AND TELL EM TO FUCK OFF! Don't think what they will think. Do you and let them know theyre piece of shit meaning nothing to you. Seek new environment If you need to. Never doubt or question yourself in those situations. You will look needy, clingy, like you care about them and they will fucking suck life out of you like vampires and bully you again!
Dude that's so true. Funny, I came across this video because I have some people at my apartment complex office who tried to bully me and use pressure tactics to get me to renew my lease and I drew the line for them several times and they kept on trying, then when I called them out on their shit they started lying and doing the old "shame you, and question your behavior" techniques. I called them out on that as well.
I used to be a doormat for those that always wanted me to help them get things done. And I wasn't getting my own things done, so I just started to make myself unavailable. I just became too busy to be helpful to people that didnt value me or my time.
Same propblem I always used to find myself in. So I agree just say you are busy , sorry pal , Im up to my neck in it . The other way is to ask them for a favour for a change and when they say no just just say ok , well , rembember that then next time you ask me for another favour . Mention all the times you did stuff for them , now they owe you etc
The problem is when people mess with you and you're a nice guy the nice guy snaps. Better option is if someone insults you, and you've known them for a little bit, then you need to take them aside and speak with them quietly and mention you're not cool with it. Then they will probably stop. If they don't, then you go all out.
First make it very clear the behavior won't be tolerated, then if it continues attack back as is necessary for the situation. But it can be difficult to know where that balance is.
A person choosing to Stay calm, Forgiving and kind in the face of harassment from Toxic People, are the type of people who are the strongest most mentally tough people. Letting yourself rage is the easiest thing to do, it's all a sign of weakness that makes you take external forces personal . Now Giving kindness even to your enemies is the hardest thing to do, it's rare to find people , who Live through humility, Humbleness , and Thinking highly of their enemies with respect, and Never viewing yourself as Superior to them but as equals
Fuck man, this is definitely me. I’m not a very confrontational person, which is why I tend to snap when I’ve absolutely had it with someone. This is a great skill to have. Will be putting this into practice.
The thing I have an issue with when it comes to “laughing it off” is that people take that as a sign of “cool, i can bully this person and they won’t do shit”. In situations where I “laugh it off”, I’ve been pulled to the side by a friend who said “dude, you gotta stand up for yourself man”. Yeah people might not be thinking about you when they go home. But when they’re chilling with you in that same group, they’re gonna target you again...for being the easy target. So where’s the line?
@@PqV72MT4 l believe a woman was a bit disrespectful and rude to me cause l was a cleaner. She said something like “you over there, what’s your name.. Lucas” l walked up to her in a kind manner and told her my name and she was shocked about it.
Tomika Kelly True, but it must be learned, and it’s very hard to do when you have been raised to believe that boundaries and assertiveness make you a bad person.
The person that Jocko has described is a brief explanation for a narcissist. They will pry,prod,push you around and then act like you're the wrongdoer when you stand up for yourself and call them out for it. It's a game to them and they'll never admit to their wrongs
My take: when you meet someone for the first time ex: co-worker, potential friend, Uncle who you never knew you had, a kid or anybody, ask yourself how do you want them to treat you. Do that in the start and know your value.
100% set boundaries early, which means respecting yourself all the time. Some ppl take advantage of you for your lack of boundaries and want you to stay that way and will try hard to keep you that way. Its best to just to end these relationships. Setting boundaries late in the relationship doesnt always work. And can be taken as an insult (like youre trying to distance yourself and put less into the relationship). Narcs overstep your boundaries and will test you to see how much they can exploit you.
People take your kindness as a sign of weaknesses. Even though your being kind to them because you can see that they got nothing in the first place but instead of showing gratitude and be thankful they turn around and make you look like a fool just to puff themselves up. But you know kind people are always secured financially and emotionally. Because they have high values and moral compass system. Kudos to kind people around the world 🌍.
Exactly... Being agreeable isn't a trial nor a goal to pursue... It's a state with a group. Either you're genuinely agreeable, or you're not. If so... great, you've surrounded yourself with decent people who carry similar mindsets... The team can work well together.. If not, you're better off to find a group that DOES share your general approach and mindset, than to try to fit a square peg into a round hole... move on. ;o)
@@EldradHammer there is a book,(trancelate)Netherlands English like i am in the nile,means i am on the river Nijl,wish i had that book stil.you lough you sick,Dutch for i cant stop lough,eh so funny that i get oh my English writing hope you understand,must shoppen later more i hope,its so funny,
@Jacob Howell trancelate Netherlande English, vica versa direct .i am in denile ,i am in the nijl the river ik ben in ontkenning,tranclate in. English,hope you ubderstand it ,verry difilcult,its only a joke. Wish i had that book,its trancelate ia form that is literly,it make no Sence its Dutche but they think its. English not usa
*_I've got this problem in my life as well._* *_And I realize what Jocko said about balance is 100%. My mistake in the past is ignoring it too much. They then get to where they think it's alright._* *_People treat you the way you allow them to treat you._* *_When it comes to the ones that we didn't nip it in the bud in the beginning with them, sometimes we've got to sever them out of our lives. Because they're not going to stop, now that they think it's okay to treat you like a doormat._* *_You won't miss them. Believe me. Your world will just keep on turning. Plus, they ARE going to notice your absence and they will realize their behavior is the reason for it._*
Jocko welding a knife seems as natural as someone else holding a cell phone. It's natural. I use a knife all day as a tool at work, and I know there are times I need to warn people that I'm not pulling a knife. I'm a chick and I'm NOT messing up my nails for this job. For some of us, a knife is an extra hand. 😜
There have been a lot of phrases that can be applied to certain situations as a Mantra. The one for maintaining a balance is this one... "Pick your Battles." The escalation thing is one thing, but choosing what to take action on is also a thing about Balance.
You're a wise dude and I really appreciate your advice and how relevant it is to both old and new generations. More people need to hear these tips on a regular basis due to the fact that we all go through moments where we get upset, feel like we're being walked on by others, and want to regain our control and composure when it comes to dealing with what can sometimes be irrational people. (E+R=O) Event plus response equals outcome and if you aren't able to change the event you can always alter your response which will change the outcome. Thanks for the videos please keep them coming 😎👍
Society is more critical of a man being assertive though. When a woman is assertive it's not as harshly scrutinized. Men are demonized more and can be interpreted violently. I'm speaking from experience. Some females can be total assholes and can get away with more versus when a man is assertive and speaks in a powerful tone.
@@jamesalvarado3961 nah they're seen as crazy bitches... And I'm saying it as a woman who dealt with these crazy ass women by giving them the cold shoulder while going to their jugular whenever the right occasion shows up, I'll show no mercy for someone who tries to mess me up only because he/she feels that the only way to get success is by stepping on my human dignity and right to pursue happiness (not American but I love that line of their constition!). A dude can look like a mad dog if he's just pestering and showing agressive body language for every single stressful or inconvenient condition for him... Not good for work, absolutely not. Assertion is about having a relaxed body with an iron stare and a few, impactful words. One short sentence to sum up everything. When people see you relaxed, they get the message of no intention of aggression but your eyes speak volumes, as a warning: now it's my eyes but if this shit gets deeper, my body will follow soon. If you want to be assertive, you need to LISTEN, do not be in a rush to answer, stay laid back and just observe while listening, you'll be surprised of your own impactful answer!
Gina it is because everybody wants to feel good about themselves and one way they do that is by belittling other people. So when someone is disrespecting you it is because they want your self respect for themselves and when you stand up to them they attack trying to get you to back down.
roy west Let them get mad then. It’ll teach them to respect your boundaries. I had many friends a few years ago. I started standing my ground, they got mad, lost most of my friends, and am now a happier person. What’s more important to you? Being liked or being respected?
@@NoMoreUsernames yeah but then they start talking to your potential friends, teachers or bosses and the next thing you know, you're fired, or excluded or given detention or disliked by your peers. it's not easy ignoring when when a large quantity of individuals, and i'd say because of the social influence that you bullies hold, MAJORITY of the individuals that you're surronded by dislikes you, it's not just a mental thing. it's gonna affect you. that's why relational aggression is a thing. your bullies have higher sociomatric status and if you stand up to them they'll turn you into their local "lowtiergod", or "that vegan teacher" or jake paul, at least that's the perception that your peers will have of you, a crazy freak that's impossible to socialize.
They have already been talking shit about you lying backstabbing for a long time now. My guess is they have even convinced them your someone that your are not....for the worst. This happens in the work place especially. People single out the best worker to make them look good and these people will form bonds with other co-workers to strengthen there own bond. Its messed up and jealous envy play a huge part as well as entitlement.
It is better to be feared and respected then to be liked and disrespected. Body language and reactions speak volumes. As he said don’t go right into dog attack mode, but keep that up your sleeve. Go along with a joke or two but always have a line. When it’s crossed say something. Otherwise, if you take it to heart it will build up and all come out in an out of character rage. Or you battle it internally. I find with words, the less you say in a direct manner the better. Use solid eye contact. Never show fear in your eyes. There are a lot of toxic people in this world who only find happiness through putting others down. Take that power from them and watch the simple brains spin. Be sure not stoop to there level when the tables have turned, lead by example. 🧨
Great video. It's hard to know who people are why they are trying to test us, but once you sense your gut telling you to beware of such people, just get ready. Stay calm but let them know by your energy that they are heading into dangerous waters. Distance yourself, limit your time with these people and get ready to end the relationship or to get ready to get into it.
If people treat you like a doormat, then keep this thought in mind; If you're a doormat, then now you have all their dirt and know where they hide the keys to their insecurities.
People love to test others. They absolutely know they are pushing buttons. But how do they do it without the expectation of consequences? And it's the victim that finds himself in legal trouble.
The thing about hypersensitive ppl is that we actually do think (rather overthink) when we do “talk smack” at someone and wonder if it actually hurt them, even if it’s clearly a joke, the same way we overthink when someone says something to us. And unfortunately it is a problem, not just to ppl around us but also to ourselves cuz we waste SO much energy over these dumb incidents.
The dog analogy is a good point. The one thing in regards to the opposition acting like there the victim, when they dog bites back, is this. When the opposition goes past the line of unintentionally cuaseing issue, harm or disrespect and is willingly and knowingly doing so because they are used to the discipline of dog not bitting at every opportunity as they do. they are opportunist knowing what they are doing not expecting any consequences. It's not out of no wear that they got bit. They were searching for the line to intentionally crose it and they know that but when the wolf gets destroyed by the sheep dog. They default to the "victim" card because they are afraid to take the consequence of there actions. So now the wolf runs back to his pack with there tail between there legs and cries wolf about the sheep dog.
“If a wise man contendeth with a foolish man, whether he rage or laugh, there is no rest.” Proverbs 29:9 Love the podcast. This subject just brought this verse to my mind.
I relate with this. I was a total doormat in junior high and throughout my teens and when I started being more assertive and not taking crap from people my whole life changed. I walk with a lot of confidence but there are still those habits that can slide in from time to time but overall it feels good to not give a crap about whether or not people like me.
I would always tell myself “I really don’t care what people think about me” yet me being a people pleaser completely contradicted that, I was tolerating behavior that angered me because I cared if people liked me or not. Now I no longer care, I feel like a completely different person, finally cut some bad fruit off the tree.
Great talk.....I wish I heard this 20 years ago. It took all my strength in life to not just pull out my gun and smoke them right there on the spot. Im so glad I've never did it. I was pretty much bullied most of my younger life. People need to learn about this in school, not all the BS they teach. God bless
This really helped me a lot, even though it's so simple. I was raised in a small town, and fist fights were regularly common. Nothing extreme just 1 on 1 when people got carried away. Now, that I'm in the corporate world it's tough recognizing the insane things people think they can say to you without repercussions. It's important that I practice standing my ground early.
Haha, I thought that the Law of the Playground ended when I was 8 or 9. It was disappointing when I saw the corporate world full of frightened children.
@7:30 Echo's excerpts here brought some past confrontations to mind. Dealing with people is so unnecessarily stressful. We have to develop ourselves where we are strong, because life isn't getting easier.
I have learned to be more declarative in my boundaries so when one of my friends get close to crossing my boundaries I let them know. This way they learn to stop before they cross it
I learned a long time ago that most people who think they have some kind of power over you think that way because you gave it to them. You wanna know who they are? Turn off your phone for a few days.
It's time to find a new network or group of friends if they don't align with your level of respect; especially if the provocation is relentless and continuous
So true.I find the circle around me for the most part is unsupportive, jealous and toxic people.I'm tired and ready to meet some positive and confident people.
narcissist and codependency relationships - my whole family did this to me - I even helped them with money - and they still shit on me... remember when you stand your ground and challenge people, you're the bad guy. My familiy had always minimalized my feelings when I tried to discuss things like a human being. But my family is a bunch of loud agressive Italians (*that sometimes behave like Gangs of NY) so I just walked away. I couldn't take it anymore. When I was successful and helped them, I was the good guy - when I needed help (*more EMOTIONAL SUPPORT thn financial support) I was shunned. So at the end of the day - you just got to say fuck it and go no contact. I save a shit load of money not buying bullshit people birthday and Christmas gifts, and now have plenty of money to take care of what really matters in life - my son.
This is one of the channels that gave me the courage to start my RU-vid channel 2 months ago about self development. Now I have 186 subs and almost 82 hours of watch time. I know it’s not comparable with others but I’m still proud I started because I’ve been learning so many lessons that I couldn’t have learned without getting started in the 1st place.
@@yakobelt Whoever you are, I don't know you personally but I can say that you're one of the non-judgmental and open-minded people who is not fixated on tangible or external factors in order to learn from someone like me. Just because someone doesn't have a piece of paper as a credential, doesn't mean that person is not entitled to share personal experiences with the hope & intention to inspire others. Keep up with whatever it is that you're doing to improve mankind or improving your life even to a slight degree each day. This is just one part of a bigger puzzle for creating my RU-vid channel about holistic health. I literally could have died back when I was 14 years old due to major depression but here I am right now replying to you, a RU-vidr, who's full of fulfillment and dedication to help others to be a better version of themselves. I ain't better than anyone else but my old self. That's all that really makes this RU-vid thing more meaningful and enjoyable. Thanks so much for your support! I am hoping that you can join me with this endless personal development journey! :)
This is one of the best videos I ever watched, every thing you guys are saying is so true. Loving everyone’s comments as it’s relating to me. I’ve had so many people treating me like crap over the years because I’m a nice guy to everyone. But when people over step the mark I go off like a bomb. Don’t mistake kindness for weakness. Just because someone’s a lovely person doesn’t mean you can treat them like shit
I don't mind if others make fun of me. What I do mind is someone who lacks intellectual honesty. These people can not be honest with themselves, and therefore can not be honest with others, particularly when they try using passive aggressiveness. Then I have to string them along and trap them in lies with their own words and agenda.
Wes’s Malibu Stealth 9 fishing yep, same here, then one of them got a promotion while I was off on stress leave from burnout and now I have to report to them AND my assho supervisor they were doing it to me with ... theres a lot of pathological pieces of shit in toxic workplaces not just one... it’s a culture and if u take a stance they mob you.
Karma’s a butch I just haven’t stopped and I won’t I’ve lost to much aswell as a broken hand I won’t leave now lost my houses, I’ll just fight to the death now. Death is to easy for me now!!
From my experience, everybody you meet is going to check your boundaries, especially in the beginning you gotta learn to master this shit. Otherwise no one is going to respect you. When you can laugh it off but also start drawing the lines early, in a laughing matter, many tines, but its vital. Its a part of life.
