How to Stop Being Attracted to Emotionally Unavailable People? 

Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on RU-vid. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on RU-vid. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/

The problem is in the first 3 months they appear to be emotionally available so you are in a sense tricked into believing they will continue

Take off the rose colored glasses, ground yourself in a neutral place, resist the urge to make excuses for yellow/red flags, and most importantly LET PEOPLE SHOW YOU WHO THEY REALLY ARE. It takes much less time than you think, but requires a mindset of self-worth/respect. You can be nonjudgmental and still make choices based on what truly belongs in your life, what's healthy for you. Don't fall for potential. Cultivate that gut instinct, it will sound off when someone's not right for you.

I never feel attracted to those people when I see them as such from the start. The problem is that those unavailable people attract me because they always act as emotionally VERY available in the beginning. And only after I become attached to them, years later, they become unavailable. If they were like this from the start, I would never even find them attractive. Also, when I would start to notice their lack of enthusiasm and interest in me, I would always talk about it and ask in a super gentle way why they changed. And they gaslighted me. They never openly said: "Oh, I decided to become emotionally unavailable to you from now on." No way they'd ever admit it!!! They always say: " Oh, I'm just too busy with work right now" Or worse, they start accusing me of selfishness/neediness for even asking, leaving me feeling guilty. But I realized what it was after I learned about "breadcrumbing","slow-fading", "keeping me in their orbit", "orbiting/ keeping me as an option" and so on....I decided that in such times of change it's better for me to shut my ears and STOP listening to their words. Then I'd better START listening ONLY to their actions. The words will be very confusing! They twist the narrative to keep me hanging there for their advantage and I blindly believe them, always assuming I must have misunderstood something, always doubting my sanity and never theirs.. My new rule is: "No more confusion! If I feel confused and if I feel change in their behavior and they deny it - I am OUT of it. No explanation even needed! I've had enough of heartaches.

Have you ever noticed that if you have a pattern of emotionally unavailable relationships that when you do meet someone who is present and available, they can seem super intense and it feels pretty uncomfortable at first?

Wow, yes, I've been trying to play ball with a lamppost. No wonder I feel so frustrated and lonely.

"trying to play ball with someone who isn't even lifting their arms"- ouch, that was a hard truth to face up to. The "disgust" really resonated with me too- a real physical disgust.

"You can not make someone create the immediacy of emotional presence, attunement and exchange."

Ego and boredom is what keeps these people coming back around and never fully engaging. No one wants to hear this, but if a person is half-assing it with you - it's because they think they can do better or are pining after someone else. Their emotional energy is there, it's just not directed at you.

The image of the child playing ball alone by himself and imagine the mother to be there makes me cry.

I've broken up my boyfriend and written a dating check list. Because of my emotionally abusive parents I had no idea that I could or should be picky. I thought I was flawed and so I attracted these men, but now I see that I can simply raise my standards and be single until the right man comes into my life. I'll be doing me and having a great time in the mean time.

Don't ignore red flags, trust you gut, know and stay firm with your boundaries, value yourself and body, and know your worth. That will weed out the narcissists, psychopaths. Emotionally unavailable is a little bit more tricky to figure out !!!

I find that the more real authenticity I show in relationships with friends, they distance themselves.

I am attracted to non-relating ppl and it definitely comes from family dynamics. For example, even when my mom hugs me, I feel nothing but it looks good. There is no emotional connection between me & my siblings. I almost chase them trying to connect emotionally! 🤦🏽‍♀️ I am surrounded by unemotional available people. I definitely ignored my needs to have this “fake” connections. It makes perfect sense. Back to the healing lab I go!! Thank you! This is life changing information.

I had a guy once explain my relationship situation as such. He said that I was in it by myself. Dead on accurate. In it by myself.

What is love? Alan, don't hurt me, don't hurt me no more!!!! I was driving and listening to this episode. When you said - ”you're attracted to absence”, I thought I would crush into the railing. I also need to say: Alan, where were you when I needed you 15 years ago?!! 😉 You might have saved me so much suffering...

I tried sooo hard not to fall for the lovebombing this time around, but I’m not even sure if it was Lovebombing. It was just constant communication. I got addicted to the attention, constant text messages. Even when I tried to create space he would say things like he missed me or would become more enthusiastic and attentive. As soon as I caught feelings he deactivated and cut me off and threw me away like trash. Never heard from him again. HORRIBLE Feeling. I’ve never felt so worthless and discardable. Like how does one go from constant communication to disappearing off the face of the earth never to be seen again?

The imaginary is really useful. I loved the ball example. That makes so much sense. I just broke up with my ex for the second time after he said he would call me back in an hour and 2 days later still hasn't heard anything from him.. So that was it for me. Second time round, I'm not putting up with being ignored/feeling undervalued. I put up with that enough the first time.

I really appreciate your work. There are so many 'get your ex back' channels on here and not many that truly let us understand why they failed in the first place and why we can't let the person that does not care about us anymore go because of our attachment issues.

All I can say is that one surley need to go inside and give love and healing to inner child. HEY to all inner childs; YOU ARE LOVABLE!

keep trying to play ball with someone who is not picking it up themselves...so true!

It's really really hard to get in touch with these feelings when you've been in a relationship for thirteen years where you've acclimated to their emotional unavailability and heard over and over again how it has nothing to do with yourself, it's just "how they are." And you acclimate and you acclimate and you acclimate because you love them. And then one day they leave.

Great talk, very soothing and healing. No tolerance for non relating. No romanticizing the disconnection and imagining an important part of relationship which isn't there. No shutting oneself down.

Great video, Alan! Thanks so much. Just broke up with a man who usually shut down for 1-2 days after an argument. As I were non-existent. The differences were around closeness to other ladies - his adult students asked him personal questions and he replied and sometimes overshared; some sent him heart emojis; some grabbed his hand while I was standing next to him and he did nothing. He kept saying that they were like that and it was not his fault, let them be. I felt hurt by him not taking my side - he never understood why I got emotional in such situations. I wanted to be his priority. He said I should see a doctor as I always created drama.. i am happy that I chose me and my values.

I had to tolerate the suppression of my own needs through all of my childhood and teenage years. Even when I expressed my own needs they were met with harshness from both parents. I have a hard time now figuring out whether or not what I’m looking for is a need or neediness. I have also noticed though The acceptance and reciprocity in many people as well as the resistance and discomfort in others, especially as I have become more vulnerable with friends and family whom I have known for years. It’s so interesting to see and experience. I am grateful to your insights as they help me grow in my path forward.

Maybe being drawn to emotionally unavailable people is also some kind of not being comfortable with emotionally available people steadily connecting and initiating and rather drift towards people letting you have your own way of not connecting.

I hope one day you might work at the best psychology universities with the department heads and write beautiful courses for them, because your emotional intellect, intuition, experience, and everything you possess, is beyond brilliant. I appreciate everything that you do in creating this content and making it available for us all, thank you so much

"Dumbing down your needs" - got it in one!

I’m noticing more and more the people who want you to be a witness to their life experiences, thoughts, and feelings but who are unable to reciprocate. This leads to very unbalanced relationships which are never healthy. I experienced this with a so-called friend who is more like a long time acquaintance where there was a lot of relating on my part and none on hers. This was me trying to play ball for both of us. I was the only one rowing the boat. I stopped rowing a few months ago and haven’t heard from her since. I’ve decided that I’m only going to roll my boat toward people who offer a mutual friendship and everyone else will be an acquaintance that I’m not investing in. I feel sad this for how much I’ve put up with through the years or accepted and yet gratitude for having recognized There is a much better way forward that is healthier for all parties involved.

Am I getting this right, we have to stop denying our own needs to become unhooked?

You are the most insightful,smart,honest relationship person I’ve come across on the internet. Your love for the subject really comes across.It’s almost like you know my exact situation. This really helped a lot. I have much self reflection to do. Thank you very much for the work you do.

Attracted to non-relating! That about sums it up for me and how I have picked IN THE PAST. That is repeating my family dysfunction growing up. WOW!

I'm attracted to someone's physical attractiveness first, before finding out their emotional availability.

Wow... yea. I was a single child most my life and parents weren’t very engaging, they didn’t show up to many of my events... I would scan the crowd for them and they wouldn’t be there and I remember playing board games alone too... makes sense.

hehe yep we do fill in with fantasy. I had to come around and realize, huh. She doesn't know when my birthday is, she shows little interest in me, I'm just here to entertain her.

What about when a person yo-yo's back and forth between being emotionally available and completely engaging, to being avoidant and condescending? And what to do when after you end the relationship and set up boundaries, that person doesn't respect those boundaries?

The comfort and empathy in your voice and the accuracy and clarity of your expressions are invaluable. Thank you very much!!

I have a question for anyone. Do you find people don't seem to really want relationships? I call this society a selfie society. Its like people only want to be in a relationship that only benefits them, and then they don't give any part of themselves. Am I wrong? Please comment if you feel to.

An attraction to unavailable partners, means we are repeating how our primary caregiver treated us as infants and children. Being treated badly by our caregiver means in adulthood we are going to attract the relationship similar to the one we had as children. We need to heal our inner child wounds. Then we will stop attracting crumbs of love. We need to value ourselves. Then we will find a partner who truly values us as well.

And you won't get any of ur emotional or sexual needs either if they are an avoidant types that is!

Wow, this is a wonderfully clear and thoughtful post. I didn't realize how much I was trained to internalize emotional unavailability from my father causing a higher of tolerance in relationships. Thanks so much!

I guess it is a willingness to overcompensate.. Over-under standing. You are throwing the ball.. And you run over to the other person and take the ball and throw it for them as well

great video! Thank you. Building a tolerance for someone not playing ball is a very helpful way to visualize relationships that are out of harmony.

Thanks! Awesome! I have mostly one way relationships or am by myself....silent child/hiding in life. I don't give up relationships even after they don't show interest.

Thank you so much Alan, this video is awakening to me. I was dating a emotional unavailable person who is abuse alcohol because of chronic pain and in a long distance relationship. I was the one sitting at both side at the dinning table and playing two rolls in the relationship...

I’m so thankful for you and your videos. I have seen a few therapists trying to get help with attachment trauma and no one was helpful. You are amazing.

You are a light, and you are so appreciated! You have a way of breaking things down into simple terms that make learning easy. :-)

My dad was physically there ..he was a hard worker and a provider but he was very detached emotional and mentally. He did not come to my school programs .graduations...recitals ....he never once said I love you...I'm proud if you..you're beautiful.. I learned to gage his emotionsl from his facual expression and body language. He rarely spoke to me accept to criticize or lecture. I loved my dad and I believe he loved me in his way. I often wondered tho what he was thinking when I was around him. He's gone now ...but I'm just beginning to understand why I choose certain men or why I have trouble making decisions i nor setting boundaries. I am healing and ev loving into a more assertive and confident woman at the tender age of 50.

Alternatively I am attracted to the fake persona they build. They try to be as much like me as possible, hyper focus on my special interests, and become my perfect match. THe ones I've dated have done a great job faking emotional connection though the love bombing phase and I get swept up by the praise and worship, and I always think they're the perfect one for me and the only person in the world who understands me.. but there's always an empathy disconnect eventually and I realize it repeatedly they miss the mark when it comes to empathizing and caring about me (just get sick or have surgery). How do I fall in love with someone who is a REAL person and isn't pretending to be my ideal match. I find every normal person to be too boring and not similar enough to me to inspire any feelings.

Such great imagery. Really helps me to see what's been going on/ what I've been tolerating. Not only that, that I've was trained to tolerate this in my family of origin. I love that you chose to talk about becoming aware as the first step! Thanks Alan, your awesome! Can't wait for whatever you put out next!

It’s so deeply in our unconscious mind and that’s why I experience already as a baby probably and as a child but I had an emotional and when would be a mother who never gave me a hug, who never played with me, who did not care about me, who didn’t pay attention to me as I was a piece of furniture, who were going away when I was running after her. Never looked people in her eyes when she was talking but she was most of the time quiet and she was like a ghost. Or she was like dead in a living body, only her body was present but not her soul not her emotions. You could never know what she was thinking of feeling and she had always the same expression on her face. Maybe she had depression but I blamed my mother to have brought me to this world. No wonder I got an autoimmune disease as a result of my childhood trauma and emotional neglect and I even started to think about suicide after I got this disease in my childhood and I was thinking it would have been better for me to die when I was about 12 or 13 years old and no wonder I am attracted to men who are like my mother: emotionally unavailable. This is like a never ending circle repeating over and over and I don’t know how to stop it how to get out of such relationships?

This is excellent content. Alan truly understands this issue to its core. Thank you. Truly. You saved me a great deal of hassle and heartache.

I’m by no means in denial, I’m obviously here before I care about , I’m concerned for a bunch of different reasons. Im 46 , single father of a thriving 17 year old son I raised on my own since he was 13 months old. 3 years ago I met the love of my life and I never seen it coming and over the past year we’ve been in this hamster wheel of bickering and we can even be in a room together. Never had anything like it. I have never ever had anyone I’ve previously dated ever suggest that I’m emotionally abusive. 3 years, we’re always working on me, girlfriend is never at fault, and because she is a single mother of a 13 year old daughter with autism,my girlfriend is a victim of narcissistic abuse from her mother her whole life, and I don’t know if I truly have a problem or if I’m being manipulated into doing anything just to make her feel validated and accommodate her needs. I have no idea and it was never an issue my entire life

Thank you! It was beautiful to see how you articulated very well everything that I was experiencing in terms of shift and change of the old mechanism.

not only do i attract enotionally unavailable people as love interests, but co workers and friends alike....maybe it is just that there are so many screwed up people in the world, especially in the west, you have no option to bump into them... Why do i attract them first of all, is what i want to know

Omg i am so grateful for all your videos, Alan! Sometimes what you are saying sounds like a very hard pill to swallow. But doing this is so much better than to continue being miserable and deprived of the emotional connections. I really love the metaphors you’re proving!

Ugh why am I almost 27 and still attracted to these kinds of men 😔 probably because of my father's attitude, I need to change. Thank you so much this video is very informative!

Your videos have really changed my life for the better, thank you!

Thank you for this gift. I get it now! Going forward I’m paying closer attention to my feelings, and attention to red flags sooner.

I love this so much! Your podcasts are so validating. You help me make sense of what happened in my relationship. We weren’t playing ball. I had a huge tolerance. I like that word. Now he’s with a new partner. I’m left in the wake of confusion and resentment. He’s happy (I guess) with the new one. (Probably the same stuff)

I like the analogies in the podcast and makes a lot of sense. I’ve been aware of my pattern with people who are emotionally unavailable, but the biggest aha moment for me was to acknowledge that I had also become the same way. Can you speak to that? That we ourselves put up walls when our needs are not met (for me, since childhood) and with so much rejection and frustration over time we ourselves adopt this same pattern. I’ve been working on this and how to open up my heart more to people. Thanks for your work, it is providing many learning moments.

This is an amazing podcast, thank you Alan, I hope you have a workbook soon.

You're a very gifted counselor. I have a snow day today and I'm spending it learning from you, it's such a relief and so empowering to hear these concepts explained so well (metaphors work!!) Thank you so much for everything you do.

This is lifechanging. Thank you so so much! I've been devestated like trying to figure out what is wrong with me and where I failed. This is so refreshing to know that its not only my duty to make it work. This is so crazy. l've been navigating things all along, noticing disengaging patterns *BUT I Felt that this is still all my fault* Your explanation make it clear to me that It's not only my responsobility and there is no reason to feel any shame about having desires of emotional response and nice pattern of connection. THANK YOU!!!!!!

This video was so spot on ! I can’t believe it ! It was so good and so insightful and helped me so much ! I’m on my journey to breaking my co dependency and this video was amazing ! THANK YOU 🙏🏻🙏🏻

I was and partially I suppose am this person still. I've been staying out of relationships for a year now despite invitations... I can see so much better now. But how to invite healthier people is the question. I also want to help these people because I was once there. I really appreciate these videos Alan, they are very informative. I've been listening to you over a year now and they are incredibly helpful and I truly hope that people who are listening are truly absorbing the information. The problem also arises when people fall back into old patterns. I won't allow myself to do that. But I am still around these kinds of people. They are my friends and I do not wish to cut them off...

I have finally found the answer of what is actually happening and I am l no longer choose to be part of the game he plays as he feels validated or his ego boosted through me showing interested.

Yaaay! Podcasts! Congratulations on Episode 1, Alan!! You've picked a great Topic to start with, I found what you've said extremely helpful. Thank you =)

Thank you. Alan for the podcast from the community. You sound so excited for your passion that you have accomplished.

Thank you Alan!!! 🥰 I always feel so much clarity after I listen to you!!!

Thank you so much for your work.

This is so helpful! Incredibly clear and informative. By far the most valuable discussion of emotional connection/ avaliabilty in relationships that I've heard. Thank you !

Thank you so much for all of your work and videos, it's amazingly helpful. I really can't describe how important they are for me.

Great analogy with playing ball. After a fight, when I’m trying to reconnect, my partner doesn’t play. This only extends the wound and makes it worse.

alan it's not just tolerating it but being drawn to the detachment and unavailability that is the issue. I have girls who want me and are connected and i feel the desire to push it back.

The Child and mom playing ball is such an excellent analogy-I can finally understand what I’ve been experiencing in my adult relationships. Now what ☹️

So clearly explained. And in the order... and exact vocabulary needed to convey your message... im addicted🤓

Thank you for this podcast Alan. This imagery made me cry ... Very Powerful!!

This is amazing how you explain this! I actually am starting to get it and know why my relationships have been the way they are. I'm so glad I stumbled onto your videos. Keep up the good work and God bless you and your ministry!

You are amazing and for the first time I feel like I can understand myself , and don’t feel crazy , thank you

I am soo glad I found this video. This was really helpful in helping me find the words to describe my relationship.

This is great! Thank you for podcasting. Congratulations on your first episode!

Excellent! Wish I had heard this the day it was released. The little boy and mother playing ball analogy is perfect! Listen to the end. Thank you.

This is such excellent insight. I really appreciate the metaphors you've chosen. An interesting way to get the point across to the lay people. You are a skilled teacher and a communicator.

Omg this video has given me so much comfort and understanding! Thank you sooooo much! I am currently in a relationship like this and it hurts so much I find myself smoking all the time and never understood why until now. My question is...how do I explain this to my boyfriend? How do you tell someone that they are emotionally unavailable when they are clueless? My boyfriend is 50 and I believe he has been living this way his whole life. Any suggestions? I suspect that he guards himself a lot because he is afraid to lose me (I’m 33 and he wants to get married and have kids) but ironically he WILL lose me if he cannot drop his guard and open up. 🙏🏼

My issues with attracting unavailable men is that they always come with something. The unavailable men that I seem to get drawn towards imitate power,charisma, success,charm & strength. I am instantaneously attracted towards that.

We are all lucky to have you Alan!

So brilliant, thank you for this analogy. It's not only saying to yourself "IF Mom throws the ball" it's also imagining "Oh, WHEN Mom throws the ball, it'll be so great!" But not understanding that she's waited entirely too long to try to catch, and this not the way the game should be played. I certainly didn't know, never saw it modeled

Your channel is an actual school to life.Thanx.😍

Thank you for this. I have been redirected here and this is exactly what I needed to hear.

now lets find out out to subconsciously attract and be attracted to emotionally available people. seems when im with them im the emotionally unavailable one.

God bless you Alan🙏🏻Your supports to us are precious🙏🏻

This guy is on point, always. And it can be hard to hear because it goes right through the bullshit we sell ourselves to stay in these unfulfilling relationships

“Trying to play ball with someone who’s not even lifting their arms!” WOW

Thank you very much for your video. I learned at lot. I never heard that from psychologists! That says a lot about the limitations of formal psychology training!

Wonderful! Just learnt so much in this short podcast. Thank you so much (again). I love the playing ball analogy, and have a better understanding already of what I have been accepting. No more! x

Wow this video is life changing for me. Thank you, forever grateful

Dear Alan, I sabotage new relationships somehow. I think I act too accommodating but I I'm not sure. My mother raised me to be a people pleaser, she never encouraged me to have a sense of self. I understand all this and I please myself now, but I'm still inadvertently doing something to scare a man away JUST shortly after he's shown some interest. Is this something you recognise? It always go wrong at that very early point.

My question is, do you think its possible to have a high sexual attraction and chemistry in a healthy relationship? I always seem to have it only in toxic ones...

Thank you I’m lost tbh I can’t even keep a conversation going it’s crazy I try but it’s all I’ve been taught.