The Destructive Attraction to Unavailable People: How to Heal 

So true! -Cara@TeamFairy

@FlyingMonkies325 I meant "bland" in an emotional way. Like people being honest and open about their feelings. I used to cringe about people like that, I found them frustrating for putting themselves out "for the wolves". That's how I only got myself involved with turbulent people, and having very dysfunctional relationships (romantic and not romantic). In my family there are still some relatives who think that if you don't argue with your partner on a regular basis, then you're boring and it's not "true love". Now, intellectually, I'm a pretty smart woman too, except my experience in life has been mainly rejection, so I appreciate when people genuinely want to be around me. You sound young, I understand how you feel, but I'd advice you to soften up a little bit. For me, it helped to understand that not every single relationship in my life has to be deep and meaningful. Some relationships are meant to be silly and shallow, and that's ok, you're not hypocritical for letting them be that way. If you surround yourself with people who are not afraid of being who they are, no matter if you find them challenging or not, you will learn a lot about life and about yourself. Good luck!

@@Dan_Chiron these are some good insights. Thanks.

​@FlyingMonkies325 You need to widen your pool and reach and that's where the internet (into the net) can be utilised well.

@FlyingMonkies325 I am profoundly gifted (which is a tiny fraction of the world’s population), I’m 58 and my life has been *filled* with individuals who either have a massive issue with my abilities and intellect or who have driven me to prefer isolation because their capacity to comprehend the majority of what I’m expressing or looking at is simply nonexistent. I kept getting told in my younger years that I had to be ‘tolerant’ and ‘accepting’ of the majority’s limitations, but what that effectively did was limit ME in my desires and aspirations; I wasted decades on individuals who resented and attacked my way of being and thinking and who demanded that I accept them as they were while they never, EVER did that for me. What a waste of energy and passion. Your instinct to find YOUR community is bang on. I’m now 8 months out of a 9 year relationship that nearly destroyed me via the relentless attacks on my abilities, which I tolerated because intelligent individuals can ALWAYS see multiple sides to an issue and I essentially had my own intelligence and capacity turned back on me- and that’s one of the actual dangers of being highly intelligent in an average driven world, our ability to see fractally and multidimensionally is a potential exploit point that we’re often unaware of. For me it has also not helped that I’m Autistic in neurological structure, which means I have always tended to take individuals at face value- it’s taken me a lot of being repeatedly exploited to learn that there was a whole other discernment skill set I had to learn in order to distance myself from others and wait for them to *show* me who they actually are. I was raised by a violently abusive Cluster B mother with extreme narc tendencies, so my intellectual capacity created some really hard core defence structures that as an adult nearly resulted in me being wiped out- if you’re here in this community then you’ve obviously had some traumas too. Being intellectually on the higher end of the curve doesn’t protect us from having deep wounds, but being around other intellectually gifted individuals who are ALSO *emotionally intelligent* is a game changer in every way. I totally recommend finding a mentor or therapist that is aware of both aspects- childhood trauma AND giftedness- because giftedness comes with a whole different set of traumas, culturally, interpersonally and individually. This world is not currently set up to support and celebrate giftedness so we have to piece it together ourselves. Personally I have made the commitment to myself after the devastation of the last relationship that I will never, ever again be in connection with someone who doesn’t appreciate, celebrate, respect and honour me, which includes intellectual and emotional capacity that aligns with who *I* am as a being. I’m simply not going to waste my energy on engaging with individuals that cost me energetically to be around- and most mainstream individuals do exactly that. I cannot do small talk, it’s agonising to be around individuals that have no original thinking in any way, I’d rather be at home with a great source of new information, be doing my own researching, having a hot magnesium salts bath, meditating or being in the forest than hanging out with individuals that are costing me life energy to be around. I have zero intention of ‘softening up a bit’ as was one suggested advice, because I’ve DONE that in years past and it was NOT pleasant or rewarding in any way- I suggest you *follow your own intuition* and if something isn’t ringing your bells then take that as a sign that you’re not in the right place for *you* and your uniquely configured Self. It’s not easy being an intelligent female in this world so I recommend finding examples of empowered, intelligent and independent females from any era and making *them* your company, while you figure out how to find such individuals irl; read/listen to their works, their autobiographies, do research into giftedness and its challenges, find communities online (not Mensa or Intergifted, I do not recommend because of their racial and other biases), create your own work that inspires others to come to *you* - life is simply too short to waste on those that will never, ever understand or resonate with you. I’ve learned this the very, very hard way.

Samechere. My mother is narcistic and psychopatic and I M tired of peoplecminimazing the damaged it has provoked me and I am still suffering the consequences. Do yourself a favoyr and send that therapist to hell.

Speaking as a 68yr old now I'm wishing I'd had the strength when I was your age to just say to my mother to fuck off go take yourself as far away from me as possible, even though we had fallouts with years of no contact she would turn up at my work (I was a nurse) She died a lonely old narc. I had not seen her in 6yrs, I felt immense relief, like a weight had been lifted from me. Advice to you, this is not your fault, you have a life to live, never ever let anyone spoil that,. I hope from the bottom of my heart you will be kind to yourself ❣️

These mothers never tried there best that’s a lie. If they wouldn’t let someone treat them the way they treated us then it was not their best. I think we forgive because we are better than them.

The moment my last therapist told me the same I knew it was a message to run away from such therapist hahaha. Amazing how some of them think everything is kinda like a Hallmark Movie? Anyway, thank God we found Anna :) good luck and lots of love ⚘️☀️

Forgiveness is not for them, it is for you. It does not excuse their behavior and in no way makes it ok. Forgiveness relieves you of the burden of carrying that hate in your heart. I hope that you can forgive them and be released from their mistakes.

My thing with sig younger men, back in the day, was a case of arrested development.😁 But I ended up in the same place as you. When I was 24 and deeply involved with an 18 year old high student, what people missed was that I was emotionally only 17.

Sorry to double post, but I read back here and realize my former post may former post may Seem Off-Topic. The sort of Parentification I am referring to , although the relationship I mentioned doesn't really

Whew

Mine case too. Sadly.

I swear this is what happens

Same!

We understand as few others can. I'm glad you're here. -Calista@TeamFairy

Jesus heals. Exhale.

@@danilaroche1156 this isn’t really the appropriate place to proselytize. Give people some space.

Please stop. Your deity is not real.​@@danilaroche1156

Contrary to our (Hallmark/bosom heaving/fairy tale) conditioning, true love is self love. That's my epiphany, anyway.

Thanks for this! -Cara@TeamFairy

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you again beautiful generous intelligent lovely Anna 😍

@@janeydoe1403, I think true love is love of virtue first and (virtuous) persons second. Or Lk. 10:27 in the Bible.

It's also so heartbreaking how they rip away baby monkeys from their real mothers and it's so traumatic for them. Not just with scientific research but in the exotic pet trades.

@@CatherineIvesit is heartbreaking and cruel, but the amount of clarity it gives those who struggle with things they don't understand and therefore can't address, more good than bad amounts from it. I don't want to use the word "justified", but personally these findings aid me in the compassion, forgiveness, and healing I was never able to obtain through logic. Society scapegoats and pushes the narrative that it's all will-power and choice like we are solely intellectualize beings. Basic needs and the subconscious can and will rule your life until you become aware or it. Biology trumps psychology 🤷🏼‍♀️

Heartbreaking

the monkey was nt hungry

Hope defered..it is Biblical..no joke. Google Hope Defered KJV..im.gonna do it right now..BRB

Congratulations! -Cara@TeamFairy

@@user-ew1jm6en7s So bright..... 😎

I'm not glad your limerant but I am glad I'm not alone in " I can't believe what I'm capable of when I'm limerant"

good reminder! it so is.

​@@raiontheonewell put your number out there so we can call you what area are you in

Good for you!!

similar here...I am more than 2 years single after a breakup with my ex-narcissist (absolutely toxic relationship) and 1 year no contact with my whole family of origin. I get interest only from emotionally unavailable men (narcissists/engaged/married/they "didn't fall in love with me, but want one night"...). They offer only humiliation. I reject them all, and live without sex, despite I felt strong limerence to some of them. But it gets better after I went no contact with my family who actively humiliated me all the time; I now feel that I love myself more than any of these men, and I can't stand that shitty behavior of them. The limerence gets weaker and the anger gets stronger. I think that the journey from this is a combination of loving myself and treating my inner child like a loving person, and not feeling guilty about rejecting any people, who don't treat me well. Once we stop implode with anger and start use the anger to be assertive and stop selling ourselves short, our anger will guide us to progress.... My family of origin taught me from early childhood, that I am not allowed to reject any person, who humiliates me, because I have to be empathetic with them. My grandma was the most manipulative and she humiliated me at any family gathering in front of all people; my mother taught me to "be good girl", not protect myself from this grandma's torture. I still feel that toxic guilt when I reject anybody who tries to humiliate me or when I stand for myself, but it gets better. The anger is a cure.

That’s funny. But what is the adult superstore?

Good 👏 the right one will come!

@@passionela Oh yes I know the thing too - except it was my narcissistic mother who always "was the good one". Only my eldest sister (17 years older) can see her, as she was - we were both scapegoats to her envy of us and everytime she had to be responsible, she climbed out of it, to blame us. Everything was my or her responsibility - even my diabetes from 7 years old. She always showed the nice and kind face ..........bvvadrrr!

Wow, you said it. I invite you to please say hello to me in an e-mail. I'm interested in your knowledge and perspective on this (planning to do some content on it soon). hello@crappychildhoodfairy.com

You hit the nail on the head... I keep reiterating how our endocrine systems are so important and the necessity to support it from your 30s onwards. I just find it astonishing the lack of knowledge or wisdom among the general population. I used to see it in clients as well.

@@christinarichie6171 how can we take care of our endocrine system?

​@Crappy Childhood Fairy Dear Anna yes, please can you share a post on peri menopause and c ptsd effects on women esp single women who wanted to have a family. How do women heal knowing that they missed their opportunity have their own family? There's such little support for women over 40 who are single & couldn't meet a healthy partner. God bless you.💚🙏

Life was hell and confusion before, during and after menopause. I didn't recognize my extreme emotional reactions until I was put on mood stabilizers, antidepressants, anxiety meds, and nutritional supplements. I can finally relax and understand my thoughts and enjoy my life. 😊🙏

Thanks for this! I needed to hear this

Yup, thanks!

She wants what she can't have. This man told her he wasn't relationship material. She needs healing from her childhood. I used to be like her. My childhood and adult experiences with my parents was a NIGHTMARE!! Both my sisters can't be in healthy relationships. I don't mean to proselytize but the Lord rescued me and healed my deep trauma and it was deep. Did u know the Bible says that Jesus is The Mighty Counselor & The Comforter. Jesus saves!

@@danilaroche1156funny you are aware of the word “proselytize”. I just wrote that to you in another comment. It’s really not appropriate imo to proselytize to vulnerable traumatized people. That’s how some people end up in cults.

@@danilaroche1156kind of seems like whatever religious / new age beliefs that traumatized people get into - just replaces their limerant obsession. Instead of obsessive thoughts about a guy - it’s commenting “Jesus Saves” over and over under every RU-vid comment.

@@danilaroche1156 it's the same story for me. i get why people are complaining about the 'proselytizing' though. it's been a struggle for me to figure out how to share what's worked for me but also not trigger vulnerable people. before i found jesus i couldn't stand it when people mentioned him etc. Just wanted to say it's the same for me, though.

I appreciate that you wrote that quote out. I heard it as she said it, but the full impact was not until I read your comment. Thank you for sharing that and your thoughts on it.

@@kbc1883 You’re very welcome. I think trauma, grief, longing and regret can make the world feel very small, and as though somehow we (or at least, I) failed to notice our (my) best days until they were already behind us (me). When Anna said what she did about ghost towns, I suddenly had this idea of how joyful it could feel to stop waiting for love, and instead to uncover what it is about the world that I love. …Something like the pure happiness a dog feels in a moving car, with the windows down - lots to smell and the air streaming off of flapping ears. Anna’s message has come just when I’m starting to realize that I don’t have to stay where there is no future. It is ok to stop trying to get what we should have gotten from people who can’t give it to us, anyway. It is ok to become curious about the world. It is ok to discover and cultivate new talents that have nothing to do with trying to get people to like us, and have everything to do with the possibility of satisfying the question: “I wonder if I could…” (insert talent, opportunity, creative possibility, loving self-discovery here)… I just felt so much joy at the idea that there’s plenty of future left - like, actual enjoyable future that’s full of life - and it made so much sense that I wasn’t going to find it by haunting a ghost town, trying to get on the same emotional page as the ghosts. The open road is calling. Our talents and hearts are made for something bigger. Vroom vroom. 🌱🌿💚

@@curiositydrawsme9180 your best days are AHEAD of you . The best days are the ones in which you’re fully alive, and that seems to be you now. Enjoy them! You’ve earned it ❤

@Curiousity Draws Me so beautifully and well put! I loved reading your responds. I also feel like this is the time for me to receive that message and I hear it's call loud and clear; vroom vroom back at ya!

I'm a man in my forties. A decade ago I found a self-absorbed woman in church and became her best friend for a few years. I thought she was cute, but she was also shallow and needy. She used many nice guys simultaneously for her emotional needs. And she slept around with what she called "bad boys", which I eventually figured out. Though those too were nice guys, who were only "bad" because of what they did together.

I feel this in my soul. It’s so cruel that I literally have noone in life. Adoptee also so an added extra layer of im unloved and unwanted and adoptive family have hated me abused me all life. Now have no one. Adoptive mother dead. Dad lives too far away has now own partner.

So glad you are here with us recovering :) -Cara@TeamFairy

Absolutely true!

Thank you for watching. This is the right place for you.Jack@TeamFairy

All the years I wasted on a bad therapist gaslighting me and a shitty boyfriend...

I agree with you.

And I agree with you also.

Hey precious stone, you reached the threshold of being a positive effect for the world. You have enough experience, enough fuel to push forward to make change in this vast world. If you want ... I wonder if Donald Trump can benefit from these lessons instead of pushing America to hurt people all over the Globe and making the reputation of the US sewage stink.

What exactly do you mean by "flying monkey siblings"? Did they attack you to be in favor with the abusive parents? If that is what you mean, I think it's a perfect description and I had the same experience with my siblings.

Agree, they destroy who we are, and could be, don’t allow us to have normal development.

Wow! So well said @ambivalent5842. You just nut-shelled my last relationship of 9 long years.

Yes. Horrid. Mental torture.

Sadly met too many of them

Oh my God right

I finally found a place where people can relate to where I am , where Iv been , and hopefully I can grow & get better 🙏🏼

Me too. I’m not going to embarrass and humiliate myself by getting involved with a younger man who will leave me. Look at Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. He married her, lived with her and all her kids, then cheated, left her, and married someone his own age and had his own kids. Doesn’t matter how rich or hot you are- it only makes it sting worse.

@@genxx2724 Exactly. But I do understand how tempting it is when you’ve never really been loved by anyone and then connect with someone who, if you could take 15 years off your age, might be the one. Reality bites, lol.

@@designchik It won’t be “the one”. It’s emotionally safe for someone who’s disordered, because you know no matter how good it is, it’s not going to last.

I get that the age gap is substantial, but the bigger issue, IMHO, is always going to be if the person is interested and if you're interested. It doesn't have to be a mess just because of the age gap. But would I always go slowly, now that I've been hurt? Absolutely.

No psychological test in my state, just a pregnancy test and then all the choices have been made for you.

The Viet Nam Memorial in Washington DC was designed by a woman who also designed the new public library in our nearby college town. Your work is valid and is a testament to your talent and ability. The good ol' boy clubs are pathetic and even self destructive. Be glad you are shining through that pall. "Don't let the bastards get you down." Success is the best revenge.

It was George from Seinfeld’s fake career hahahaah 😂😂😂

I don't think you can classify entire professions as unsafe. It's tempting to protect ourselves by coming up with rules like "stay away from this or that profession". I'm sorry you've been through so much though.

@@frankG335you’ve never been to architecture school! I have 1 yr left and im interior but I have to agree on this one … considering not finishing school it’s such a triggering environment

@@frankG335i’ve only ever interacted with one architect in a romantic way and he fits this bill as well💀

Thank you for the kind words. Jack@TeamFairy

Chasing storms on a bike sounds wild... maybe a little like limerence!

I'm so glad you feel you're turning a corner! -Cara@TeamFairy

I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm glad you're here, we're all sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy

Carrie . Im 20 years younger and i already have lost the hope of getting married and creating a family . Since i was 14 years old that was my dream . i have a lot of love to give but i never truly felt that im lovable . I wish one day i can learn to love myself and being alone in peace is enough ..

@@loulouhj1104also there are way more women than men it seems. So that is tough too.

you are loveable!!! with or without….whatever you are just loveable, period. But you have to believe first

I can relate I want to be loved but don't feel loveable. I'm 32 this year and don't feel attractive enough, and have myself and life together to be worthy of love and a relationship.

I have to live my entire life single and alone, too. My dream will never come true either. I’m already in my mid-30’s. I barely know what a real date is like. I know a guy could never choose me. 😔

Hang in there, you actually sound like a fun person together be around, saying 'my picker is broken", made me kinda giggle...

@@grandiesgarden175 im glad.

DBT saved my sanity and my life. It doesn't have to be like that. You CAN regulate your emotions. I did it at 63.

@@loriritchie1156how long did it take until you noticed a difference in your felt experience of the world?

@@Embers167 I will vouch for dbt. If you really buy into it and do the work of using the skills and buy into the gimmick for lack of a better term, it can improve your life very quickly. It gives you tools but you have to use them.

That sounds sooo much like my mother was. Thank you for putting it into words. I did "walk away". She spent the rest of her life convincing everyone she possibly could that I'd mistreated her. It never ended. I'm so glad I walked away.

I don't know if there's a word for it but I understand exactly what you are referring to and I had the same struggles. I recommend checking out our membership where others have had same struggles and are learning together now :) bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice -Cara@TeamFairy

I have this exactly and have never heard someone else say it.

Omg I feel so sorry for what you had to go through...same here with putting siblings against each other-my mother did this all the time (brother was a golden child and she tortured me by giving him outwardly more care, gifts, responsibility....while I was exploding with anger and wanting same treating, she guilttripped me for this behavior) and at the same time she guilttripped me to not be enough kind to my younger brother..

This is painful to read and I understand what you are talking about. Thank you for sharing with us. -Cara@TeamFairy

I realized I forgot to mention the most insidious and disgusting thing she did, which was accusing me of trying to "steal" my father from her. One of my worst memories is when I was 6 years old and my mother had a massive tantrum and yelled at me that I'm trying to steal her husband (my FATHER) because he watched a kids movie with me and made us popcorn while she was out of the house...which she thought was a "date" I guess. When my little sister was born I wanted to play "being the mommy", which is a normal thing to do for a little girl I was told much later in life, and the yelling that accompanied the beatings turned into "YOU WANT TO STEAL MY HUSBAND, YOU WANT TO STEAL MY CHILD". Later when I was a pre teen my dad started taking me on hiking trips because I shared his love for the outdoors, which my mom and sister didn't. I came home to my mom yelling at me that she knows I had s*x with him, I kid you not. My dad never did anything like this to me, he's just a very passive and dependent man who's very good at ignoring whatever doesn't fit into his comfort zone, he just left the room whenever my mom started losing it and left me there.

I think I never told that part to anyone outside therapy and I push it to the back of my mind as much as I can. My therapist didn't believe me but it did really happen, I begged my father to tell me what he remembers for real or if I'm crazy and he admitted it was real, she was violently jealous of a 6 year old girl that happened to be her own daughter, has this happened to anyone else?!

@@c.w.8200 Strange how good men attach themselves to evil women and stand by them to the end, the kids be damned. Happens in reverse also.

Thank you for the kind words for the letter writer! -Cara@TeamFairy

Anna is rocking my world!!

Me too :( -Cara@TeamFairy

The stepfather probably never mentioned his family at work, and had affairs with nurses. The mother was humiliated when the daughter brought the neighbors’ knowledge home. She was afraid he would leave her, and was relieved when he abused the daughter, because it showed there was hope - he wasn’t completely disengaged.

Same here. He was unavailable, with a lot of problems in his life, an alcoholic. As a former people pleaser I wanted to save him at the risk of losing myslef again in the process. But thank God and thank my healing journey cause this time i knew i couldn't save him, I knew I would have drown trying like all my previous relationships (friends, family, romantic ones)

Terrific book.

So did my grandmother who laughed at people’s noses, weight, etc. Never really a close bond. I always wondered what she was like when she was young.

That sounds hard! You're in the right place. -Calista@TeamFairy

I'm so glad the video was helpful! If you're interested, Anna offers a course on dating and relationships, here's a link: bit.ly/CCF-Dating -Calista@TeamFairy

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you! I’ll check it out

Thank you for your kind words! -Calista@TeamFairy

Sounds like there is a lot to untangle. We suggest starting with this free course: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice -Cara@TeamFairy

64😢

lol not a bad idea, we need some merch :) -Cara@TeamFairy

Thanks for your comment & thanks for watching! Nika@TeamFairy

That is a lot of stress, it sounds like you're doing great :) -Cara@TeamFairy

I didn't heal till I was 60. Your doing geeat!

This!

You are on your way, congratulations! -Cara@TeamFairy

I also worked in an ER at one point and it’s very true what you said about ER docs, some are lovely people but only some.

That sounds hard. You're in the right place and we're all sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy

Thanks for listening! -Cara@TeamFairy

excellent point. i now love videos discussing other trauma invoked issues, like at work, acquaintances, other than romantic. i think i gave up in deserving or hoping for romance when i was still a kid. didn’t realize it would last.

Me too. I'm 34 and have nothing but negative experiences since I was 4. I literally have no happy memories that lasted at all. I seem to have given up and accepted that some of us have been dealt a different hand in life compared to others growing up. I feel like this is wrong for me to do but I can't keep on trying to be happy looking forward to the imaginary prince charming that's going to come along and save me.

I hope you have found answers by now, either way you seem to have an avoidant attachment style, there are videos on RU-vid about it. I also recommend you the books of Diane Poole Heller

I’m 60 , probably time to throw in the towel.. im sure other women feel that they are just “Bad Pickers” 🤔after working on childhood trauma for 3.5 yrs 🤷‍♀️