I love this! I am also a psychiatrist and I work with many who struggle with perfectionism. I often ask my clients. “How will you know when you have enough to be happy.” I never get an answer because there isn’t one. We see the finish line but it gets further away every time we think we are close because there is not a accurate measure. True peace and fulfillment come from accepting ourselves where we are and working to become!
My life is so different from the lives of most of my peers, that it is really hard to not compare. Part of it has to do with the way that others have treated me. I have been stigmatized and treated disrespectfully by a lot of people who don’t understand my situation, and this has killed my self-esteem. (The judgmental remarks some people have made toward me, for not having a “normal” life, have basically told me that I’m defective, etc.)
I can relate to this. It’s hard being judged for not having the things in life that you probably yearn for. It’s an extra punishment and very ostracizing. I think there are peers that might not be so judgemental and could be friends but they are in short supply 😂
I get you. This comment is representing a truthful fact that many people are treated badly and they are looked over. Anyone's self esteem suffers. We have responsibility for treating others with compassion. I am surprised that Barbara looked past this very comment considering it' s value to the issue at hand. Great point. Thank you.
I just found your channel today and I just needed to say thank you, sincerely, for making these videos so accessible. I'm a social worker by degree, but after years of burnout and my own mental health struggles, I've really been on a long recovery journey. Just as an example, I was able to quickly resolve an incoming anxiety spiral today after watching one of your videos on the subject. A lot of my stress/anxiety comes from those "lost years" I had, and feeling like I can't catch up to others my age. I'm so deeply grateful for your wisdom and appreciate the way you present this information clearly and without judgement. I'm eager to learn more. Thank you, again.
Barbara I appreciate all the points you're making. The seemingly exterior advantages a person has most times has little to do with how well one is inside as to happiness, self-esteem, success. Life on planet earth basically catches up with most everyone, dragging us down, and bringing struggles in various ways. The comparison game is a waste of precious time. Do the best with the hand we're dealt😏 And we just never know -- some good things might await around the corner too.
Thank you so much!!! I just had this experience being in ( ZOOM) voice over class. There was a woman in my class who was very attractive, talented and was given ( in my perception,) the most compliments at the end of the class. I always zoom in on this kind of person, feeling envious. This is so helpful 🙏🏻
My mother always envy me because I was attractive & smart. She compared herself to me. Now, I compare myself to other people and I want to stop. This video was helpful in understanding where this comes from and how to turn it around. I must have caused my mother a lot of pain.
I've got a good example of this. I'm 1 of 7, strict catholic, abusive, alcoholic father, emotionally inept mother. My sister who is just above me & my little sister next to me but 6 yrs younger. They are both gorgeous looking, good figure, tanned, my mother's favourites. I always felt inferior & wanting to be like them. NOW...at 61 yrs & 53 yrs, they both have MS :( I now just wish I could take the disease away from them :(
Thank you for helping us change our perspective! This is helpful to me because I see now that I do it all the time. For me, this video goes well with appreciating and being grateful for what you have and not worrying about what you don’t have. ❤
Thank you for your insights.🎉 I am struggling really with the moment at which I could be motivated but then tend to feel shame. Perhaps it would just be good to notice when this feeling occurs and then take care of the inner child? Thank you so much
Hey, thanks for the video! How would you address self-comparison when it comes to things that you definitively will not able to change (like height) as opposed to things that you might eventually change (like physical shape)? Thank you!
Thanks for this video! I was wondering if you could do a video about scarcity mindset and how to navigate through it. I think it could also help in moving from competition to a collaborative mindset. For me also, specially at work, feelings of threat and insecurity come up and i really liked both ideas in this video about seeing it from a lens of motivation and also the comparison of inside with outside .
Looking at those I know closest, I would take the success, money, smarts, great memory, the drive to follow and to know what they want over where I am inside and out every single day of every single year. High 6 figure salaries over less than median average.
If we don't have something and the other person does, we can feel... -inspired by their success (I can learn to find a good used lawn mower after seeing Bob do it.) -resentful and angry (Must be nice, Bob, to find a used lawn mower that actually runs...) If we have something that the other person doesn't, we can feel... -smug and superior (Sucks to be George, doesn't it? He ALWAYS gets lawn mowers that break down. Can't fix stupid, I guess?) -like an imposter (why do I keep scoring all the hits on Kijiji with the good mowers and George doesn't? He deserves the good mowers more than me) -inspired to help (I'm going to ask George if he wants my help finding a good lawn mower.) One mindset is: there's plenty of good used lawn mowers out there. The other: good used mowers are in very short supply. It's hard to be happy if you live with a scarcity-based mindset!
Although you make some important points, I think you need to add a caveat. Studies have shown that attractive people are more likely to get hired and make more money than average looking people. Also, both attractiveness and money/family connections can bring opportunities that are unavailable to the rest of us. Take Hollywood nepo babies, just as an example. And although money over a certain point doesn’t increase happiness, people need enough money to feel safe and have their basic needs met before a sense of well-being, or happiness, can be achieved long term. I’m not saying attractive wealthy people don’t have problems, but you can’t deny they have advantages either.
I met a woman once and she was really flirty and fun and I wanted to be more like that. So I left a relationship that was bringing me down and I am taking the steps to be more female and spontaneous
I'm not sure if my Feelings and core believes derive from childhood or my first marriage that was emotional abusive. I can't pin point. But this all makes sense but once the feeling takes over my body I try so hard to fight it so I can carry on. I end up feeling more upset that I can't seem to regulate my emotions.
I wonder if “taking care of” the feeling would shift it more than “fighting it”. I do have a playlist called “the aah-miniseries”. It’s a 3 week program for emotional regulation. It’s best to practice these techniques when we aren’t upset, so we can access them when we are. I can’t send the link now because I’m on the road but it is in my playlist list. Hope it is helpful!!
Its also reinforced by ~ Conceited people who have an inborn genetic high level of confidence and good looks and how those people treat others ~ But most good-looking people are Shallow, peaty and mean. ~ The karma will get them...
What most Glamor women don't realize is that ~ YES, men like to be *SEEN* with a Gorgeous Glamor girl *in public.* But will Always prefer *The Wholesome Girl Next Door Type in the bedroom.* Remember the TV show Gilligan's island ~ You had Ginger and Maryann ~ EVERY GUY WANTED MARYANN
