Hi, Damien. I just found your channel and started watching your videos about a week ago. I really love your content so far. You're nuanced and interesting and make really good points, especially with subverting common dating and relationship advice. I appreciate what you do and wanted to thank you for making these videos. Keep up the great work :)
As a guy who (in his 20s at least) was considered very attractive - women do approach you - but not the women you actually want - so it's still generally moot - if you want high quality women, you still have to do the leg work.
4 года назад
@@SchoolOfAttraction Agreed. There's no way around it.
Great stuff sir. It's amazing how fast we forget that if we want a successful relationship with someone else, it actually needs some kind of foundation of mutual respect to be built off of. I always laugh when I see pick up centered around things like the "5 magic text messages that will make her crazy about you" because it completely de-humanizes interaction. Sure, there are effective psychological and physiological tricks you can learn to trigger dopamine release and help you get your foot in the door. My question back to all of these programs is what are you supposed to do when that is all you have going for you and that dopamine high crashes down? Relying on a feel good hormone that also happens to drive the brain's addiction center to get you what you want doesn't exactly scream healthy relationship to me. More likely, you enter a situation where someone doesn't like you, they like the way you make them feel. How is that winning for either person involved? It sounds obvious when you say it out loud, but dropping all of the social stigmas and B.S. surrounding how men and women should interact and just being comfortable with yourself in an interaction is incredibly powerful. We're all people first just looking for other people we understand and can connect with to share our lives with at the end of the day. If you're superficial enough to reject me based off of half of the crazy things guys think are holding them back alone, then that's absolutely fine with me, you're not exactly what I'd consider a high quality person to begin with. Hell, I'd say the real trick for most men is realizing that the thing they think is holding them back isn't what's really holding them back at all, rather it's their mentality that they're being held back by something else in the first place. Worrying about things you can't control is a terrible way to live your life that is rooted in unhappiness and misery. A much better outlook is putting your best foot towards the things that you can and appreciating your journey along the way. Stop seeking approval to authentically be you and don't apologize when someone doesn't like it. The only person who gets to decide how you are is you. Not your friends, not your family, not your co-workers, not your influencers, not society, and not the members of the opposite sex. You. That is also the only person you are responsible for making happy in this life. Modern society shoves ideas like empathy, self-sacrifice, listening skills, and general people pleasing mentalities down our throats like they are requirements for being human. Screw that. Yes, these are all positive traits that make you a better person and more attractive to the opposite sex. However, you can still do every single one of those things whilst also looking out for yourself first. Absolutely nobody with their priorities in order is going to think less of you for doing this, and the folks who do are not the kind of people you want in your life in the first place. If you truly take charge of your own life, no one that you have actual chemistry with who is actually worth anything is going to reject you on the basis that you used the wrong opener alone.
This frame would not work one bit if you have nothing going for yourself, a.k.a if you're not a high-value man. If a girl has to jump through hoops or tries to impress you, then she will do that not because you change the "frame" to make her earn it, but if you're worth earning it. But one thing I agree with is that yes, putting her on a pedestal and other needy behaviors are turnoffs.
Yes - you have to have something going for yourself - if you don't - then you really should be focussing on that first - if you can't give a reason why a woman should wnat to date you - then you shouldn't be thinking about women yet.
@@SchoolOfAttraction My problem is that I isolated myself from people while working on myself. I couldn't afford social interactions, I grew up poor, so I thought to myself that I only need education and a high paying job. Now I'm educated and have a high paying job. But I became dull. I'm not socially awkward, in fact, I can be rather aggressive. I've acquired the ability to be aggressive as if I'm a military drill sargeant, aggressively motivationg people "show me that you're desperate to succeed, how many job applications have you filled out this week. I told you to fill out 100, why did you only do 50. Are you sure you want to succeed?" sort of attitude. But I'm a quite introverted who is tamed mostly. I worked through school, I was at a point where I had to quit school because I had to work due to my family's finance situation. I'm learning to be more social but for one, I'm not a simp, two I'm not socially awkward... I'm now trying to have enjoyable hobbies so I can make friends through it while bettering myself. I go to the gym regularly for strength training and I eat moderately to be more fit.
4 года назад
Damien, this has proven to be your most blue pilled video EVER. I’m not one of those abominable anti-feminist or MGTOW types as you may already know but science clearly disproves you. Men aren’t the ones making the choices. *Unless* you’re a top male, women won’t be throwing indicators of interest at you often enough for you to even get to pick and choose as you’ve mentioned. Men vastly outnumber women on dating apps (2:1 in America), women swipe right a mere 4.5% of the time as compared to men’s 66%. Only a small number of men’s profiles even get to be seen by women since women swipe at a rate of 5 times less than men. Women find 80% of men to be physically unattractive as compared to men’s 40% on average. The average guy on Tinder only has a 0.89% chance of getting swiped right on by women. Women literally get hundreds of likes on Tinder. I don’t need to mention gay male dating apps to show you how men aren’t nearly as picky as women are. Look up Briffault’s law. I know you’re trying to sell men a plan and you’re getting your message across but in my experience, you can’t just lecture men into a alpha/ Chad/ top male mindset. It’s nature to a great extent and nurture to some extent. Some guys will always be spineless and needy. Even back in the premodern days of traditionalism, some men were needy, clingy and codependent. Any attentive and loving parents will tell you some children are just emotional and needy, requiring constant love, affection and attention. Others are tough and independent from infancy. Such is life. Deal with it. 🤷🏿♂️
Hey Kikuyu - I'll try to give a good reply since you took the time to write this to me :) 1) "The science shows men aren't making the choices" - Actually the science doesn't show that - it just shows that 'on average' men are far less picky than women so women frequently end up being the bottleneck - So you've interpreted it your way. I agree with the science - But I also see the science and realise that on top of that evidence - women respond strongly to men being choosy - while that at first suggests a choosy man will end up with EVEN FEWER options (because it seems counter-productive to be picky when you barely have any choices) - the truth is that it frequently becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's like a person who runs around begging people to love him - nobody will give him much love - We recoil from that kind of demand - But once he self-soothes, and starts being able look after his own emotional needs - and he WANTS love rather than NEEDS it - the world will suddenly shower him in love. It's the same thing with being choosy. Women take you for granted becuase you aren't choosy - you arent' being choosy becasue women take you for granted.... But if you start being more choosy... the script begins to flip a bit. I've had 1000s of in person clients - and once I shift them to being picky and get them in the habit of rejecting women who aren't suitable (before those women can reject them) - suddenly their results with women go up significantly. Science isn't wrong - but interpretation of science frequently goes awry. 2) Regarding Neediness - Look into attachment theory - it's been around for a LOOOOONG time and it's pretty robust. The research is also pretty strong that we can in fact change our attachment styles. www.simplypsychology.org/attachment.html
Hey, just made a tinder account and got Gold, unfortunately I swiped loads at really bad times and at the start my profile was really bad so didn't get tonnes of matches, I also haven't used my boost. If I delete and re-install Tinder will I get my boosts back and will my ELO score be reset?
So yes, if you delete your tinder account but you had tinder gold installed, then you'll still be able to re-instate it when you delete and reinstall it.
Sorry, but no. She has a choice - to approach or not to approach. She is not prohibited from approaching, she just decides to use her female privilege to not get rejected. If the guy was a rockstar, she would absolutely run up to him and try to talk to him, forgetting about this "societal conventions" crap in a second. What you are saying sounds like: "If girl decides not to approach, girl don't get the benefit of approaching". Well, duh. She can approach and can abstain from approaching. This is a choice. Having this choice, she has all of the power to chose one way or another. The fact that she thinks that not approaching is more useful for her than approaching does not rob her of this power. Also, about the gatekeeping stuff - this is a catch-22. The gatekeeper is a person that controls access to the valuable resource. If you have a lot of choices, if you have success with women, then you don't see the intimate interactions with them as a valuable resource that is very hard to get. If, on the other hand, you do not have a lot of choices, if you do not have success with women, then there is only two logical, non-self-delusional ways to think about it: 1) This resource is rare, but valuable. Therefore, the women are gatekeepers, and you are needy. 2) This resource is rare and not valuable. Then why do you suffer to get it, why do you are coming through pain of rejection again and again? If this rare resource is not valuable and hard to get, you should just ignore it and concentrate on the more valuable resources. You cannot tell to yourself that you are enduring this pain for yourself, not to get the women. If you would do this for self-development, you would develop yourself in the ways that get you resources that you value, and, therefore, this resource is still rare-and-valuable.
I disagree with your outlook on gatekeeping. Just because a resource is rare and valuable does not mean someone is delusional if they do not chase it. Interpersonal interactions, especially romantic relationships, have more complex and multi-dimensional value than that. Diamonds are a pretty good analogy to show how this works. Diamonds are among some of the rarest gemstones out there and are definitely valuable no matter how you slice them. The unique thing however, is that the value of a diamond diminishes exponentially with the amount of impurities it has in it, which is a reflection of how close to the surface of the Earth it formed. Just as an impure diamond will still fetch decent value on the market, a surface level relationship will still elevate someone's social status or hit them with their fix of dopamine. That being said, just as an impure diamonds are easier to obtain and will always have their impurities, dopamine at its core is a temporary high that never leads to the feelings of long term fulfillment more positive and harder to get hormones like Oxytocin do. If what you were saying was true, the biggest difference between needy people and emotionally stable people would be the number of partners they've had. I'd argue that I've met plenty of people who disprove this statement on both ends. What makes a person needy is not how rare or valuable they think a relationship is to them, but rather how dependent they make the other areas of their lives on being in a relationship. The traditional example of the male desperate for someone to return his affection so he can get his dopamine fix is certainly needy, but it doesn't make up the entire spectrum. I've met many needy people that enter many relationships who can't hold them because they can't control their own emotions. I've also met plenty of people society deems "high value" who crumble in desperate need for affection or their next relationship as soon as they are single. On the opposite side of the spectrum, I know many singles of both genders who rarely enter relationships, but don't have a negative view of them regardless of how rare they are for them. They're just looking for the right partner, playing the long game, and content with being single. These are the folks who value quality over quantity, and aren't interested in surface level interactions with people who aren't interested in putting real effort into an actual meaningful connection. They usually don't place a ton of value on hookup culture regardless of their views on pre-material sex because they see it as a form of instant gratification that will drag you as low as it elevates you as most dopamine highs do. I use the terms like "usually" frequently in the profiles I am describing because just like one size does not fit all, neither do two or three either. Human beings are complex social creatures, there are much more of us out here than the black and white needy or stable.
Страга Севера I think that you are part right part wrong, it’s true that if you think you have very little choice with women, you will inevitably be needy, unless you try to avoid the problem as you said, but running away from your problems won’t resolve them. The key factor here is self esteem, if you have high self esteem and you believe you have value, it doesn’t matter wether you slept with 0 women or with 1000s os women, you will always believe you are valuable to women, and the core thing to understand about self esteem, is that, it’s not about liying to yourself, it’s not telling you are you are perfect and amazing, because it’s not true, every human has flaws, rather it is about being able to see your value as a human, just for being one. But of course having good self esteem is easier said than done, no one teaches us to have good self esteem, that’s why I recommend you the book “self esteem” author Matthew Mckay, it trully changed my life. Good luck in your life m8.
@@ryanbarker3978 Yes, I agree that this is a spectrum, however, if you are poor, then both pure and impure diamonds are a rare-and-valuable resource, and if you do not have success with women, both high- and low-quality relationships are rare and valuable. I'm not telling that peole who have success with women are not needy, I'm saying that it is logically impossible to have three qualities at the same time: 1) Have no success with women; 2) Do not perceive relationships as something rare and valuable, 3) Work on improving yourself with women.
@@larutmrs3313 Thanks, mate! I also partly agree and partly disagree. It is very hard to have a high self-esteem as a programmer without writing a program, and it is hard to have a high self-esteem as a men without having the experience of getting a girl. The fact that you can write amazing code does not help with self-esteem as a man, and vice versa.
@@Straga_Severa I'd explain my counterpoints here but laut mrs already did a great job of that. The problem is that what you're expressing is an inherently needy frame. Things like the amount you let things you can't control control you, the amount you allow yourself to be a victim of your own circumstance, and the amount you let your desire for someone else drive you are all conscious choices you make. When you overvalue what you consider to be low value relationship simply because it exists, you're being dishonest with yourself as well as the other person involved. When you find yourself hyper focused on not dying alone, often the healthiest thing you can do for yourself is to take a break and focus on building another type of interpersonal relationship instead (whether that be with your friends, family, coworkers, etc.). Sometimes stopping to breathe brings with it a new sense of clarity. You can absolutely be someone who is single, recognizes they have weak social skills (particularly around girls), commit to working on those social skills, and not be in a rush to get in a relationship. Is it easy? Absolutely not. Mentalities that require high self esteem are seldom easy to form, but they are so much healthier for you in the long term.
