What expectations are you taking into the Holiday Season or Special Days? The self expectations and other's expectations need to be challenged! Share your thoughts in the comments!!
thank you I certainly needed to hear this. My husband passed a few months ago and I find it so difficult to navigate without feeling like I'm being judged. I simply want to isolate because it's easier, others expectations are too difficult. One thing I need to learn is boundaries and the holidays are the perfect time to practice that. Will see how that works.
Thanks Jo. This is my first holiday without my husband of 27 years. He passed away earlier this year. I've already told both families I am opting out, I just don't want to be around anyone, so I'm going to skip it this year.
My husband passed away earlier this year too. I am skipping Christmas, but I know I can't stay home alone. That would be too hard. I am heading to the coast. I am going to walk the beach. I am going to journal for the new year coming. I am going to find some good intentions for the New Year. Then I will write myself a letter. And write one to God too. I will seal both in an envelope. My plan is to put them away.
Thank you Jo. This is my first holiday since my beloved husband passed away in February. We were together for 26 years. I am not doing anything for the holiday. I feel like I just want to be alone.
It has been almost a year and a half since loosing my best and dearest friend, my husband. I have given myself permission to not do, not attend, not join on days when I could barely make it. I have gone to a couple of parties but eased out early, no one said a thing, I have pared down my holiday to do list and just did what I could manage> Yet there are moments when I feel totally overwhelmed, tearful and then it passes. We each find out what works for us. Blessings to all.
Today is day 39; my husband of 42 years passed on November 10th after a long illness. The end came quickly. He test drove our new car two weeks before; that was a Friday. On the following Sunday we were in the ER, he was admitted, stayed until Thursday, hospice on Saturday, then dead by the following Friday. I am convinced that we bought into a method of quick disposal; an array of drugs designed to rob one of oneself. Compromise the will and the body quickly follows. My grief is trusting in strangers and administering what I though was compassion against the pain caused by metastatic cancer. He, the man, had been willing to tough out the pain for a few more days as himself.
My eldest daughter was killed no fault of her own by a distracted driver. We went thru our 3 rd Christmas without her and doing all things festive in spite of my feeling so very sad . Now I am exhausted. Many friends seems to think that those subsequent years are less painful. I think they are just as painful, but it appears I have more strength to focus on other things. I struggle with talking about Ellen in a way which acknowledges her special relationship to our family without sounding like I am seeking 😂pity. Yet she deserves inclusion and recognition and should be mentioned. I miss her dearly. Her sister is now the center of attention. I want her to feel loved , supported in her grief and not smothered by my neediness. Loss of a child changes everything. And it is painful.
When asked earlier today I told my mother-in-law (whom I love dearly) that I couldn’t be at Christmas dinner this year. I had tried Thanksgiving and it had left me grieving harder for my husband. She understood. I’d watched my brother-in-law hug and comfort his girlfriend. She was feeling ill. It had ripped my heart with fresh wounds because I couldn’t have that same comfort from my husband, his older brother. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel they shouldn’t have been loving towards each other. I just had that awful yearning for my husband and past holidays when we had been the ones hugging. It will never happen again. To have that brought home so unexpectedly broke me for that day and a few more afterwards. I don’t know how to be with family right now without him by me. I’ll know in time, but not yet. I will visit with my in-laws quietly before Christmas. I’ve gifts to leave under the tree for others. But Christmas will be spent quietly at home enjoying the quiet and watching those Hallmark movies that always have a happy ending.
My adored husband passed away almost 2 months ago and there's no way I'm considering any gathering ! Feeling so triggered earlier when a friend of both of us messaged me and wished me a happy solstice !!! He knows how hard I'm grieving so how can he expect me to be happy because of some stupid holiday ! Holidays are so meaningless to me right now !!! Feeling so apprehensive about people wishing me a merry christmas and a happy new year !!! They're obviously gonna be the worst ones EVER !!! How to react when people do that ?? Just wanna hide under a rock !!!
I am isolated. Living in a new city; No family or close friends nearby. My ex- passed just before Thanksgiving; I will be using this year to grieve and make my own new traditions. Thankfully, no chaos from his family either 😅#regriefing
Hi jo my beautiful husband of 44 years of marriage this is my third Christmas without him here I'm lucky in that the people i spend Christmas with are my special needs daughter and my married daughter and my son in law and my grandson 21 and granddaughter 13 and they live with me.i get up Christmas morning my husband loved Christmas i put on new clothes i dont get around to makeup or hair do we exchange presents and i can go to my room ttill dinner then we have dinner and after dessert i want to go to my room again with my special needs daughter and everyone relaxes they all watch a movie for the afternoon and in the evening we have tea and then everyone goes to bed then it over for me im there when it matters but i can go to my room with my special needs daughter and watch something we like thank god its over jo as i said my husband before he passed asked me to have Christmas and i do .but i csn do me time too and no one minds they want me to do whats good for me thank you jo
Thank you so much, Jo, and thanks to all the people in the comments who say they'll spend the holidays alone. My husband passed away in March and in early December was my first birthday without him . I spent the day alone on my couch and it felt right. I also declined all the nice invitations to Christmas and New Year celebrations with others.I just want to be alone, but some people don't understand. I have even told some lies just to be left alone. I don't like it , but if people insist that I "cannot be alone at Christmas" I don't want to argue. I don't even LIKE Christmas, it does not mean anything to me. As you say, it is a lot about other people's expectations, so thank you for highlighting this aspect and giving me really good strategies to cope.
Thank you Jo.. This is my first holiday without my husband of 39 years. He passed away in March of this year. I had already been thinking that I was going to pass on Holiday get togethers this year but I wasn't sure how to express that I wouldn't be attending. I so very much appreciate your thoughts and examples here. It is something I feel strongly I need this year.
Thanks for the permission, Jo, to focus on me this holiday season. The last year has been very hard taking care of my mom with heart failure. She passed in September. I knew Thanksgiving would be hard, but it was more difficult than I expected. Family members invited me over. I was very honest: I told them a large, noisy gathering would be a knife in the heart and I needed quiet time. I stuck with that. Since Thanksgiving, though, I’ve been putting expectations on myself - to buy gifts….to bake cookies. It’s amazing how we fall back into old patterns of self-imposed expectations without realizing it - especially around the holidays.
TY, Jo. This is my 3rd year without my Dan. I am having my neighbors over on Christmas Day for an hour or two. The rest of the day I have a historical fiction series to watch. I am comfortable with both company and me time. Blessings...
Two years in Dec we lost our 40yo middle son. Last year we took our 16yo twin grandsons (who live with us) away for 2 weeks. This year we’re home and I really wish we weren’t, as I seem to be struggling more this year. Unfortunately our eldest son (twins dad) is now very sick with the same liver disease as his brother died of. This week however he’s also been diagnosed with Covid and pneumonia and I just don’t know what to do or how to deal with this 🤷♀️
I'm not looking forward to 2024 Christmas at all! ! All ready dreading it! My brother took his on life on Christmas so it's never going to be the same ago!
Since my senior building complex is going to have an inspection in January 2024, my plans are to get ready a head of time, and do some cleaning. It is an overwhelming time, but I will keep busy to let these days to move on through. After the first, at some point, I will find a place to volunteer. Meanwhile I will have my place cleaned.
Im going on 32 months after losing my oldest son to suicide..i am struggling with secondary grief now..my son was married for 11 yrs to his high school sweetheart and she has already married again ..its only been 2 yrs since her husband died..and she has moved on. I am torn..about this..
some things I was told by a sister...go read a book...stop the negativity ...no one wants to hear it anymore..this was 6 months after my husbands death..my other sister handled it by not talking to me at all for close to 2 years and started to talk to me after I called her and told her to forget what she did I forgave her and still she never asks how I am doing and just try to stay away
