How To Tell When You're The "Fill-In" Guy (Don’t Let This Happen To You!) 

If your absence doesn't bother them, then your presence never mattered in the first place

words & actions do not match 0:28 she won't spend time with you 1:40 it's one sided 3:45 says she is "too busy" 4:39 she brags & talks about herself 24/7 6:08

Ah yes, the infamous “I’ve been busy.” line. Usually people will say this to avoid you. People are never too busy for the people they want to make time for. Great video as always Courtney and hopefully you’ll cover the “I’ll let you know.” response in the future! 😁

Reality just kicked in and I just realized I’m in this exact situation with this girl that I’m seeing. Thanks for the info Courtney.

This is true. The “fill in” guy is there to boost her ego and self esteem to go after the guy she really wants. Knowledgeable vid!!

Yep. “too busy” = I don’t see you as high value enough to make time for you. Deep down she views and thinks she is better than you. And as we know, women for the most part want men who are better than them (in some way or another) Great video!

I was that 'fill-in-guy' since 15-18 and for sure it wasn't pleasant especially when my emotions blinded me from those red flags. I've learnt from those situations and I now know that I should ONLY go for the girls that like me instead of forcing myself to getting them to like me. It'll be so much simple for them to say "I'm not interested" instead of just using filter lines like "I'm too busy" and following it up with "I'll let you know" or something like that. It's genuinely exhausting and time consuming for someone who actually wants get into a mature relationship.

Attention is so valuable to women, many are willing to talk, hangout, have a meal, and be driven around by men they DO NOT have any interest in. Because it's that much better than staying at home in silence with nothing to face but your fears and insecurities.

when I get the “i’m too busy” to hangout excuse after asking more than twice, just say “okay let me know when you have a day off” (everyone has at least one day off over a 2 week period) and never contact them first again. if you hear back then make plans but if you don’t then you know that they were wasting time and you can move on.

All true. I had this same dynamic with a girl for a long while, once I decided to move on and just not engage her anymore, she vanished. I wasn't mad or sad, just sorta astonished. Like, "wow, after all that time she really didn't care about me at all." It happens. Like Courtney said, devote your time to people who value you.

I usually say the “I’ve been busy” line when I get that infamous “Hey Stranger” text. My time is valuable and I give that time to those who I truly care about, I like to be alone majority of the time so when I say this I don’t want to sound narcissistic or anything. I used to be this guy, once I started to learn the signs and patterns, i bow out gracefully without struggle and drama and I move forward until that day that I get the “Hey Stranger” text. I am super selective about who I give my energy to. I had a girl pretty much show me her hand and these were the kind of cards that she was bringing to the table. It immediately changed my perception of her and I basically bowed out gracefully and I kept it short during our interactions. At the end of the day you’re a human being, not some play thing that gets picked up when a person is bored. You’re better than that, don’t let nobody take advantage of you and do not let anyone waste your time whatsoever. Don’t be rude to them, call them out on it and if they don’t take accountability because some men and women don’t nowadays just walk away with your dignity and value intact.

When you see people like Courtney in this world, you know there is still hope! Keep up the good work Courtney! God bless you.

I think the problem is a lot of us know what we want and how we actually deserve to be treated, but we don’t believe we will ever actually receive it. Therefore, we put up with being treated poorly. If you think about it, a lot of this stuff is common sense. We just refuse to listen to reality.

The best advice is to be yourself and do not change for anybody jus to be with them!! Focus on yourself, your health, peace, and completing your goals. And you’ll naturally attract females. Once you are completely focused u can spot a female that’s not good for u a mile away. And lastly pay attention to how they move, talk, and their mindset. A basic ass female love’s attention and can’t really hold a conversation especially a deep conversation

Very true, Courtney. Perhaps the same people who accepts being a "fill in guy" are the ones who put a person on a pedestal?

Hey Courtney! Like the new look, that hairstyle really suits you! 😃 I was the fill in guy when I was 19!! She was 22 and really made it appear that she liked me when she had no interest at all. I was just being played. For months I was trying to get her to go out with me but there was always an excuse. There are some girls out there who are just indirectly evil and just love to dangle a boy 👿! I learnt so much from the experience. I’m 31 now and this never happened to me again, I’m very good at reading women now; thanks for video and insights 🙏

On the money Courtney. Every guy who's dated much at all has known some version of this woman. All men know when they really like someone, they WILL make time for them, somehow they don't apply that knowledge logically from time to time. No one takes advantage of you without your permission.

I was that “Fill-In” Guy. I was a diversion and something to reduce her boredom on the phone. She took no initiative and showed no interest in seeing me. It was lousy.

I pretty much figured this out a couple weeks ago. Courtney, I’d say dang you were too late for me but I recognized it from watching your previous videos. This is a confirmation that I’m learning! Thanks Courtney!

OMG!!! Thank you so much Courtney! I was curious to hear you talk about this and as soon as you said that the words don't match the actions I was all ears because this is 100% on point!

Hi Courtney, I strongly believe in the meaning if "Actions speak louder than words" because it's true, you can say so many things but they mean nothing but your intentions/actions say volumes. If a girl really wants to see me as an example, she will find a way to see me no matter the time of the day and if it's a bunch of excuses, I don't want to waste my time

I needed this video since this is happening to me right now! Iv been talking to this girl, and she's being flirty over text but when I asked her out she said she's busy. This video made me realize its time to move on! Thanks Courtney!

Wow, never even thought about someone addressing this subject. Happens to all of us here and there. Really informative content!

Best channel I've ever found. I wish more women had the same mindset and self-worth as you do!

The last experience I had with a girl was so one sided that it drained the shit out of me. I honestly don’t even want to approach girls anymore. Perhaps I just need time to heal but right now the thought of going out on a date, or reaching out to someone new, doesn’t feel right at all.

Courtney i like how you got straight to the point on this topic and trying to help make our dating lives easier. I definitely agree that we watch what people do not what they say. Women actions speak louder especially in early stages of dating. This video falls in line with your RU-vid short you posted a few days ago. Keep being the best, have a lovely weekend. Also be safe with this crazy cold weather ok 😊🙏🏽💙☕

Just seen this video because you caught my attention when you talked about self healing and loving yourself. Thanks for this content. This has happened to me and I’m growing more when I learn about it. It is what it is and I will always strive and prosper.

This is happened to me wayy too many times, more than I like to recognize. Last time this girl started talking to me on Social Media, I didn't take me long to recognize the pattern ( only bragging about herself, talking about abusive exes, 0 interest in anything I have to say) well, for too many negatives there has to be 1 positive, right? She lives in a gorgeous tropical beach área. So I asked what were the chances of me staying with her for a few days to know where she lives, her business, etc. I would definitely stay on a separate room, and help her clean and cook (typical mangina behavior 🤣). She agreed! So I did as promised, payed some attention to what she had to say, but by the afternoon I was like I think I'm gonna go to check out the beach... So I found a nice shaded spot, got some beers 🍻 and have the most awesomest time all by myself, I even got to meet ppl from all over the world. And all I have to do was to listen to her rambling for a few hours, and got myself a super awesome vacation. BTW there's no way I could afford to stay on that area on my own...

Courtney, I really could've used your videos in undergrad. Glad someone like yourself setting the record straight for men!

The fact you even have to talk about this tells you everything you need to know about modern women.

Yes!...You are painfully correct to all of the hopeless romantics out there. Love ❤ is a two way street & always takes priority when 2 people are mutually in love and attracted to each other. You have to feel the love and it should always be reciprocal. When you know better....you do better! Thanx Court for having everyones back on this sensitive subject!!!

Honestly, this doesn't just apply to early stages. You can be in a fairly full blown BF/GF relationship and still essentially be the placeholder or fill-in guy until someone better comes along. You'll know this because you always feel like she's not giving you as much as you are prepared to give her, she's looking for validation but not giving it back and is subtly critical and generally the relationship is a bit lopsided. The ultimate test is: is she making rules for you wrt the relationship? If she's limiting her time, her validation or her intimacy then ultimately she does not see you as her hypergamous best option (high SMV Alpha option) and sooner or later someone is going to come along and she'll cheat, monkey branch or just go colder and colder over time. I lived this in an early relationship as an Engineering student, the girl just didn't see me as her best option, She was an musical student/artistic type and I wasn't and I just couldn't be the guy that she really really wanted at that point in her life, but I was the guy that was there for her and conventionally high-value (i.e. to family and social circle) so I just filled the boyfriend role for her, boosting her social status. After about a year, when that seemingly dream artistic guy landed in her lap she cheated in a heartbeat and monkey branched and I was OUT. But ultimately she was young and naive, the guy was a complete Chad and it only lasted a couple of months with him. Several other failed relationships later she ended up marrying a software sales manager when she hit epiphany phase around 28. So she came full circle in a sense and had to settle for a fairly conventional dude. Meanwhile a few years after we broke up I'd met a 20yo Physio Student who was straightforward and giving and completely fell into my frame. My SMV was even higher as I was now working in London in Oil and Gas and I was super high value to this girl. Let me tell you, when you are the hypergamous best option to an attractive girl then man, you get a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT EXPERIENCE. She will crawl over broken glass to be with you and break all her rules, even her life plans, to be with you. That's what you've got to have for LTR and Marriage, Miss Ride or Die. That's why building your value is so important for serious relationships - you've got to have that gap in SMV and get into SMV 8-10 range so those attractive girl-next-door SMV 6-7 girls just think you are the Bees Knees. Treat that girl well and retain your own attractiveness and that's about the best chance of long term success you can get. I'm 30 years with that girl this year.

Great advice. I really like the way you "tell it like it is," with blunt advice. You don't beat around the bush! Thanks so much.

I’ve had experience in the second one. Funny enough, she didnt like it when i found someone else to hang out with and that someone wanted to hang out with me.

I've been through this, really appreciate u shedding light on it👍 good video thank you 👏👏👏

You're absolutely right about the fill in guy you're so right about everything you said I was putting a lot of time and effort with a the woman online it was just a waste of time you have to be 50/50 in the relationship for it to work out and she has to be into you like you said not all one sided you are a very good coach for me I put a thumbs up on all your videos very helpful to me I think you are so kind Courtney Ryan

Already been this guy.... she gave me many signs, flirting in person and on text, seeming interested. Then when I'd ask her out, she'd always make excuses. So I decided to tell her, I don't like these excuses, if you like me you can ask me out. Then she told me not to give up because she has trust issues and stuff. She has lots of mental health issues, which is sad, but she used that as an excuse to not hang out with me, despite just not wanting to. I felt like if I ditched her, I'd be the bad guy because of all her issues. Turns outs she was lying about liking me the whole time, even when I asked her straight up "do u like me". One of her best friends was also telling me that this girl liked me and was giving me advice. This friend claims that she genuinely thought the girl was interested but I find it hard to believe that she would lie to her friend about liking me. So I just got completely played for attention and some ab pics

From my experience as a husband, the "fill in guy" needs to be chased away. He will wait YEARS for his opportunity. He also tends to not care about the girl's current relationship. Fill in guy is almost the same as male orbiter. It is disrespectful for any woman in a relationship to have this "fill in guy" so men beware...Stomp it out.

Courtney out here looking out for us.. she’s literally the friend I need in my life because she deals straight and understands being kind & cool does NOT equal marriage/relationship

The information given here really resonated with me. I was recently involved in a relationship with a younger female who gave me all of these red flags from this video and more. When I spotted her walking with her "ex" while "wanting space" from me, I decided right then and there to cut my losses. I had a feeling for a while that I was being strung along or made to be the "side guy". Never again will I want to be involved with someone like that. Thinking about how all of this ties with my situation makes my blood boil. Your points are pretty much dead on. Got my sub and will watch more of your stuff.

Spot on, Court! Guys, you’ll know very fast when you’re the “something to do when there is nothing to do” guy.

Wow. I'm learning this the hard way right now. Thank you for opening my eyes to this.

I love you your videos are diving deeper and getting more specific on topics 🔥

literally just cut off this type of person yesterday! definitely never settle for being someone's texting buddy if you know you want more than that! goes for men and women!

Yes, Courtney, these are all excellent points and reasons to be cautious. Having a Master's Degree in Leykis 101, I've learned to translate women into English. The 'Fill-in' guy, translated into the woman, keeps the man in the 'bull pen' while she may be bonking someone else. She has more than one man in the 'bull pen' though each man doesn't know they're in the 'bull pen' with numerous men. This is similar to what you, Courtney, described as being in the 'friend zone.' Once you're in the 'bullpen,' 'friend zone,' it's doubtful you will ever be invited out. For those who are invited out, this is most likely a temporary event. Remember that she has a lot of 'bullpen,' 'friend zone' men to invite out when she sees you don't have the resources to sustain the lifestyle she thinks she deserves. Regards

Never had this happen while dating, but I did when I was looking for a job, many years back. Had a female recruiter, who kept stringing me along, with promises of a job offer any day now.... I eventually figured out she was just using me to justify her own employment, with no actual work being done. I feel sorry for the fools who hired her, and wonder how long it took them to discover her shenanigans. 😭😂

Been there, done that. Avoid it at all costs my friends.

Everything you said 100% describes a women I dated briefly. You hit the nail on the head with each point. Hind sight is 20/20 and I now see this is exactly how she played me and that she wasn't genuinely interested. Even while I was with her I had this nagging feeling in my gut, that this isn't going to last. Always trust your gut. She ended it with the , "it's not you it's me" (yes, she literally said those words.) and talked about how busy she is and not interested in a relationship. We met on a dating app and after we stopped seeing each other guess who I ran into on the app again? Yep, actions speak louder then words. From this experience I've come up with a standard when it comes to dating. She needs to be good too me, good for me and what we have is fair and balanced. If she doesn't measure up to those things then she's gone. Thanks for putting this video out there and giving guys the insight and knowledge they need to negotiate dating and dealing with women.

God I wish this information was available I when I was trying to woo a young lady a few years ago. She did EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. of these things, to my annoyance. She texted me damn near constantly, early morning, late at night, and for HOURS we'd have text "conversations". I asked her out, but she just wouldn't commit to a time, despite her assurances that she REALLY wanted to go out with me. What a goddamn waste of time. I'd have noped right the fuck out had this video been available at that time. Thanks Courtney!

I learned this the hard way recently it crushed me

This is spot on. Usually she likes another guy who won't change or text her back, and you are the fill in to give her strength to keep waiting for that guy. I've been on both sides of that equation.

Courtney, I love your videos! I always rewatch your videos if I'm stuck on something then I'll accept it then move on in life!

Beautiful is not a strong enough word to describe the perspectives of this awesome lady, among other things. 🙂

These are all solid indicators. Some of us see these as obvious or pick up in it intuitively, but some guys are either completely oblivious or can’t see the forest through the trees when they’re in it to realize what’s happening

As a human patience is one of the best skills to develop, sometimes you are only the fill in because she isn’t comfortable with you yet. Let women come to you but always be kind and cordial and open to new experiences. If she doesn’t atleast put in effort to move the social dynamic forward find somebody who will.

Think its very common these days to be easily manipulated, it's good that you have highlighted the warning signs Courtney 👍

I've been the fill in guy and fell victim to every single talking point Courtney hit on in this video. It's a mind f*** and it sucks hard. The only good thing about going through this is now I know what pitfalls to avoid. So I won't be in another situation like this again. Take it easy on yourselves, gents!

"Her words and actions do not match"... sounds like a former girlfriend of mine. In fact, she did several of the items mentioned here. I wish I had the info you give us guys Courtney when I started dating her. Heck, I probably would have not dated her in the first place!

Thanks Courtney, really thought she cared but this makes a whole lot of sense. Your channel is great. Keep it up. God bless.

The fillin guy does have one secret weapon to shake it up, be someone who shocks the hell out of her and be so fucking amazing and seem to just get her with ease. You just promoted yourself to the fill in that became a decision that feels like crossroads in life that changes everything you thought you knew and planned for. You legend you

Again, great content! I recently experienced this.

Keep in mind, guys. Every situation needs attention to details, and not every situation is identical, or even similar. You have the knowledge you need to make the judgment calls on your life, so, when you learn that this is you, just remember, NUKE THE BRIDGE!!! Don't try to "win her over". Don't bother trying to sabotage every relationship she has after you. That is classless behavior, and this WILL spill into every potential relationship you have after this. The friend zone needs to be heavily discouraged, if you ever want to see it die the death it so rightfully deserves.

Hey Courtney thank you for another great video. Your channel is great.

Good words there, and yes notification squad for Courtney Ryan 😊

Not only did this happen to me, but it was different. she always FaceTimed me every morning and night and would even kiss me. I talked to her about what we wanted and we agreed on our boundaries. When her actions didn’t line up with her words I called things off. Then she started making out with me multiple times making me think sex was an option and I just needed to be patient. As long as I was doing what she wanted she was fine but if I went against the grain there was stonewalling, gaslighting and deflection. She would even get jealous of other women. I endured verbal abuse, emotional abuse and constant manipulation for months. Finally I blocked her and called it quits. She never cared about me, only the attention I gave to her. If their actions don’t line up with their words, it’s time to walk.

Spot on as always. People will make time if they want to.

lol OMG guys don't know when they are this? Good on you for posting about it, it's good advice. I had one mistake me as her fill in. She had a sense of honor and admitted it to me, as she wanted to be fair to me. I told her I had no idea she felt that way, and that I didn't have interest in her past just being buddies, so it's actually totally fine. She had the weirdest look of surprise, relief and almost offense all at once (she's cool we remained very good friends from then on). We ended up having a good laugh about it.

Hi Courtney, love your page, you give great advice....unfortunately...lol. This happened to me just this past week. The woman I had been on two dates with suddenly stopped texting and ghosted me completely. She blocked me on the dating site we met on. The last two on the same day. I'm sorry to say I didn't see it coming since the last text she sent me was last Sunday raving about how grateful she was to have me in her life....smh.....lol. Anyway, thanks for the insight, keep up the good work. Sometimes we men can be pretty blind when it comes to women....I speak from experience...lol.

No one is ever too busy to make time. Either she's into you and will make time to date, call, text or she's not interested. Took me forever to get this in my head and value myself

Something you truly value, whether that be a person a trip, a concert or whatever it may be; if you want it enough you will find a way to make it happen...

Great video. I did not realize I was in this category .

In my experience this is the #1 cause why guys stop pursuing the really great women. Because a lot of girls pretend to be that great, even around "fill-in" guys. You really gotta be careful as a guy even in the relationship

Thank you for the advice Courtney !

I recently went through something like this. It can be very disheartening.

Very interesting and deep video, sadly these information is not easily available for men . Thank you girl🙏

Thank you Courtney for everything

Exactly we all have our phones in our faces this is 90% of the time.

This LITERALLY happened to me recently. She said she wanted to be single and she praised me nonstop. She then turns around and hooks up with another guy after she said all that. The biggest takeaway is ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. And I do feel like I was lied to, but I'm glad I get to walk away free and learn a valuable lesson from it. The whole time, she was a fake friend.

I never get in this fill in guy situation up until now and I didn't get it. I never even thought that someone can be that immature... That girl is always texting you, texting you first and everything, talks to you and flirt with you but want hang out with you and with that comes words don't match actions. Thanks for the video, this was the first channel I ever reached when it comes to dating and I think that you are very objective and realistic... When you people find yourself out in this kind of situation (male or female), stop wasting your time, if you called them out 2 times, they said no, walk away if they really want something with you, they will reach you. If you really care about someone it is not hard to message first and ask out...

i wish i had watched this video few months back so that i could have spent my precious time into someone who is really genuine instead of these fake attention seekers.

Damn Courtney, looking great. Color psychology, I think it's the red top:) Good video as always!

Veey good video. You threw good light on the subject.

Some helpful tips, be a good guy, not the nice guy, because that makes you a doormat and she will never respect you, don't make plans and ask her to come along, make plans and invite her because if you give her the opportunity to say no, she likely will say no, and, another big one is no free attention, and no compliments on her physical appearance! Nothing wrong with telling her that stripes look really good on her or that she did well with her hair but I don't give compliments on physical appearances anymore and I get them all the time instead; think about, if she wants compliments on her physical self, she will post a picture online and let thousands of betas swarm her notifications panel

One too many times. Thanks for the helpful info 🙌🏻

I'm definitely one of these people rn so this video has come at the right time 😂

Also she's 100% correct. There's no such thing as "I'm busy". Take the hint and don't be suckered by it. You'll know when there's interest.

Ooh! The hair is definitely on point!

I think I was that guy Courtney. ☹ I was into a woman. We talked. We send pictures. We shared thoughts. She acted as she was liking me for a long time. But we never properly dated. Then at some point a new guy, appeared on her social media. He started giving her likes and hearts to all her post. Every single one. At first I thought he's one of those orbiters guys, cause she had a few. That until this Christmas, when she "accidentally" posted a picture into that guy's car. That's when I realised they are together. Most painful experience of my life. I never cried on Christmas before, but this year did. Those emotions, the disappointment, the loss, feeling unworthy, I just couldn't help it. 😩 Now she keeps her relationship a secret. She keeps posting pictures of herself traveling to different places, but she's always single, though you realise someone is taking her photos as not all of them are selfies. Then her social media status is set to "single", and she even post silly memes of being single. Yet that guy is always there liking all her posts, and he does that within a minute or less. He's always there no matter what. So I took her posts pretending to be alone, and I asked her out. Telling her that if she's single, to go out with me and have fun. I also asked for her number. Guess what happened? She didn't said if she's single, didn't gave her number, and said that she's too tired from work to go out. I don't understand women. If they don't want anything with you, why don't you say from the very first time, and not giving me false hope. Just because I'm a guy, means I can take it? I have feelings too. And it hurts badly to feel both rejected and used at the same time.

98% of the time i realized i was set up for the "fill in trap" and backed away, i also noticed they had a minimum of 2-3 fill in guys. Some girls are not interested and some are pathological attention seekers. In both cases learn to recognize and retreat.

She's speaking the truth!

I added your video to my playlist "Do this and I'm leaving" Thank you and congrats.

Thank you, Big Sis!

Amazing video Courtney 😍

How are you doing today? I like this video pointing out cues to stop prolong in sad side of dating.

Completely sums up my current situation. I recognise 4/5 signs mentioned that she does. Such a great video, whatever I was accepting from you to talk about it just came point by point. By the way filling guy same as texting buddy?

These points which she is talking about was exactly like my last relationship, of course if we can truly call it that way... And yeah this is a more and more common behaviour from girls even slightly older women from most of my experiences. Using you for THEIR satisfaction while shitting on men in general and carrying a burden from their past relationships which they wont get over and judging YOU by the example of their ex.. even though you might be a good person, loving the women and keep working on a healthy relationship togethet while she is slowly destroying it as days go by...

Well said Courtney story of my life i get this all time

Damn near the story of my dating life 😂. Took alot to break these habits.. The jury is still out though on the particular outcome currently smh.. sad to say.. But almost there..👍🏾

Been there. I let myself get bled for $3,100 before I figured out I was being used. Was exactly as described here. Good advice.

Courtney you have to do this correctly with these type of women. I've been a full in guy but for several women so if one gives me the "I've been busy" the other girls in the that circle are not and that girl loses her place in my cycle. So I'm always busy I get what I want she gets her attention once in a while from me who ever the girl is in my circle