DARVO is a tactic narcissists use to escape accountability. More on my TikTok @danielleradin #narcissism #narcissist #narcissistic More on my podcast “Call Them Narcissists”: open.spotify.com/show/7CRhRYM...
Surely they could have made more children's fiction stories using the narcissistic cycle. Just knowing these disorders exist would have been an asset growing up. Let me know if you write one.
When I use to cut off at the deflection, he would say why do you always like to pin-point a certain subject, you are crazy” umm that’s the only way I can get you to stay on subject 😅
A line that I've used to great effect along these lines when they try to deflect is something like "if you have frustrations with me, that's perfectly fine and we'll get to them. But right now I need you to stay on topic, anything else you want to bring up we can talk about after we've resolved this issue." It has worked really well for me with difficult people in general (and not just narcissists) but as others have said, be prepared for the narcissistic rage if you use this tactic, as they will be furious they can't use their tactics on you effectively.
I confirm. I used this strategy, and she would blow up! Then she was lying saying I was screaming too. I said "ok let's get cameras inside the home". She answered "no, you just want to film me naked and post it online". Next argument, I pulled my phone to record, she went silent right away. Few days later, she slept with her boss "to hurt me". 11y marriage down the drain. Really a bunch of children
They shamelessly deflect. Using lies, pressing that button that hurts ... oh and get ready if you ever had a low point in your life. They can't wait to remind you of that since they're self-actualized infallible beings.
I’ve just won one with a Marc at work today. I set up a clear and firm boundary and pushed her back in a professional manner! So she ended up got herself trapped in her own trash and cried(victimize herself) and refused to work with me anymore 😹😹😹. I was so happy because I saw that bully is such a fragile little being inside really and one problem easily solved for me(not working with her). I feel so good about myself😎😎😎. I appreciate all the work I did on myself. I was brought up by a narc and continued to live in that way for years upon years. Finally I’m completely out of that energy and dynamic. So proud of myself I did well baby 😎😎😎
There was another party and they want him to sign up for the gaming event. He doesn't do anything and he waited for a long time. I'm like ???? no one is going to help if they don't speak up
Whoa I'm into this. Thanks Radin. My Narc mom uses my adhd against me to make me look like the narcissistic one, she has a history of letting me talk and then making me out to be 'manic' behind my back to others. Because she has a need to be admired and adored, and I do neither for her. I pity her, and that enrages her inside, I feel it and I see it and I know it. Even if she is sitting there silent, and when I say goodbye, she always says, remember that you were always loved. That is phrased in a super toxic way! And it defies the evidence. So I need better tactics than being honest and open. I always get stung, somehow. She makes me out always to be either wrong, or her oppressor, and makes it out that she's the victim. Despite the evidence to the contrary that all my professionally trained and highly educated peeps used to prove it to me that that is an outright reversal of the facts, only made to seem real by gaslighting and deception, of which she's fond, among her inner circle of flying monkeys. The truth is that she thinks that my refusal to admire her and capitulate to her as omnipotent proves that I'm self absorbed and lack empathy. When the opposite is true. I learned late in life to not empathize with the wrong people, and she put herself on that list, not me. It's just so hard to stay focused when you have ADHD and your parent uses that to their advantage to make you seem grandiose and selfish when every one else in your life points out to you that that is backwards!!!! It makes me want to scream.
The thing is is they will also try to compartmentalize certain incidences and not take into account the years or months of abuse that led up to that certain circumstance. So it’s not always the person who brings of the pass is a person who is wrong sometimes if the past hasn’t been addressed or healed it is legitimate to talk about when you’re talking about the circumstance at hand if no one has ever taken accountability for what they’ve done in the past then they cannot try to compartmentalize what they’re doing right now as a separate issue it gets real convoluted here. If they tell you that you’re beating a dead horse over something they did that they never took accountability for because you’re bringing it up to tell them this is why you’re having a harsh reaction to the current actions they’re also gaslighting you. get it?
The Anti-DARVO system does rule. However, like timed rounds in a prize fight that it will win, without a knockout more rounds will follow. So, expect an immediate change in their tactics. Boxers always have a playbooked pre-game-plan. If they see the right jab doesn't work then they'll immediately switch to the left hook. When that doesn't work then it's time for the uppercut. When they witness their tactics bouncing off Anti-DARVO armor like ping pong balls, they will instantly and instinctively EJECT EJECT EJECT quicker than Top Gun. They will grab their keys and phone and bolt away outcussing the devil reclaiming authority and superiority preserving themselves to live and fight again another day and they will. They will rethink regroup recalibrate and come back with a "brand new plan." Narcissists always come with a plan. Anti-DARVO abilities allow an Educated Empath to adopt World Heavyweight Champion Mike Tyson's philosophy of "Everybody has a plan. Until they get punched in the face.".....
Dr. Ramani video? That's where I heard about DARVO. Pretty cool~~~! (I've emailed Dr. Ramani about 100 times but no reply just yet... but she DID make a reply video to me) (Look up Dr. Ramani - (Why you can't call them out)(Narcs don't know their "why?")
@@LOVEtoPLAYdrums Had a really high opinion of Ramani for a really long time, learned a good amount from her. Then just like everything else, one day I received her latest video. In it she said that anyone who questions authority whether its those in charge of us or what the media tells us is a conspiracy theorist, and all conspiracy theorists are narcissists. Her website instantly exploded with the angered lit up like the 4th of July so she quickly took it down in like 22 minutes or some shit. Then the other day I saw video of her counseling Queen Jada Smith and her subordinate Jezebels on how to handle and deal with toxic abusive narcissists so...
@@Imnotyourdoormat Wow! Thanks for telling me! I agree with what you said. But out of 100 good helpful videos. Should fault her for at least trying to educate us about narcs buse cycles? Again. If those things were said. Not cool. But alot of her videos have helped me. I'm going to court tomorrow withy Dr. Evil mother. So any video helps tonight. Especially this video we are watching here! 😁
@@LOVEtoPLAYdrums Yeah it's a real plexer. I didnt "Smear campaign" her at all just facts. Anybody can pull up the Jada video, if they can stomach it. Beyond pathetic, knowing what we know...What was the reply video she made to you?
The EJECT tactic is sooo spot on. Which also often happens when the narcissist feels rejected and/ or neglected. That leads to their fight or flight. Next fast forward to E XPECT that the narcissistic will very likely be rushing away to seek another supply or more than one. Sooo ENJOY the peace, quiet and freedom whilst the narcissistic is away.
I love when they scream and blame like a baby having a tantrum. I almost enjoy baiting their meltdowns as much as they love baiting innocent victims. Its more fun to walk away laughing. Because of your help and this overall clarity, my delete and block skills are primed!!!
If it is even remotely possible, leave them behind in their world. If you think you have won, you haven't, and it may always waste your time and energy, or the situation may get far worse than you can imagine. N/C is the only way to heal from narcissistic abuse. Learn what to watch for in the future, and if there is even one 'red flag', walk away.
This is true. I had a narcissist manager and she would try to use strawman arguments with me. I'd nail her on each one and she'd get so frustrated and upset.
After telling me I can't ever return home, telling me that I am angry and refusing to speak to me I went no contact with my mom. Now she likes to leave voicemails saying I love you in a really angry voice, gritting her teeth, almost like she is hoping that it's true, but it's not. Then in an angry voice she says she wishes I would just talk to her. Huh? No way am I calling her back to go through DARVO for the millionth time.
This acronym is a game changer wow... im just amazed! I can be addressing just being sad (depression sucks) with my dad and all the sudden I'm the worst person in the world, im so dramatic and then we're talking about how awful it was to deal with me in HS and how i target him all the time with drama -and to put that into perspective I'm 27. I have been DARVO'ed to the point I sincirely struggle with feeling like I'm a good person sometimes; even though I know I am. Thank you!!!!
I have found that by using this strategy that my loved ones would become the triangulated target through this diabolical tactic, soon turning them into my adversaries. It’s just best in this case to give them the illusion of victory, if by means it involves you spending the least amount of your energy trying to settle the score.
I respect the energy conservation. I work with one and I find Grey Rocking to save me the most energy. I was always a people-pleaser and a decent empath and want people to be at ease, but now I focus on my career and professional relationships as if I don't notice him getting insecure and frustrated. The Grey Rocking now is letting a person suffer the accountability of their own ego without interfering. It's not my problem. I go to therapy and work on myself and that is where my responsibility ends for them.
I tried this in the past. They just keep deflecting and get enraged that you’re not playing their game and then storm off. There is no way to get them to stay on point or win per se. Although it may be considered a win that you didn’t engage with their deflections and stayed on point. There is no resolution, ever.
Exactly right, I have had 2 narcissists in my life and they both used the technique you describe as DARVO exactly, and yes I would get side tracked and end up trying to defend the points they would bring up, instead of resolving the actual issue. Which is how they wanted it. But eventually I figured out myself to return the topic to what I wanted to discuss, just like you said. It really worked and the frustration showed clearly in their faces, being actually pinned down on something which was a new experience for these slippery people. Would bring the argument to a conclusion, without having to deal with the endless other stuff they would bring up and never get anything resolved.
Impressive. You are precise, to the point, and keep your messages short. I have listened/watched many channels providing the same NA within the past five years. Your method of articulating your knowledge is spot on. The narc and I had a new business agreement. Supposedly we were in a relationship at the time. The agreement was, all business letters are to be grammatically correct. No errors. I sent her a draft (outline) letter for her to review. There were mistakes with my letter. She then rewrites the letter and then sends it out to the the business recipient. The next morning, I review her letter and noticed several grammar errors. I mentioned the errors to her. Omw, she began to rage and berate me. I was not expecting her to react this way. She then tells me that I am behaving passive, aggressive with her. She did not want to accept any accountability, whatsoever.
Thank you for your positive and empowering point of view. You obviously get it and do so with much class and etiquette. Exactly. What is the point in running a successful business with another person who does not value accountability, communication, and respect. It was an awful experience for me. My mental and my physical health were impacted by what happened. I so appreciate you mentioning, “It’s standard practice.” My approach with alerting her of the errors made was to be as understanding as I could be with her. When she read my outline, general points of interest per paragraph, it was her understanding of, this is how I write a letter. She took it upon herself to express how important and professional it is to write flawless letters. She also began to tell me how horrible, and how atrocious my writing is. I listened, nor did I attempt to explain myself to her. On the contrary, I was happy she was that concerned with the business image. What’s funny is, I read many of her business letters, for the company I owned, and went as far as sharing the business ownership with her, and noticed for weeks, grammar errors. Never brought this up to her attention. But when she began to show her concern for business letter ethics, I then took that as us both being accountable to one another. When she went on her rage, “I’m not a child in elementary school. I don’t need you to be telling me how to write when you clearly don’t know how to.” That is what her response was. There was more to it. After her response, I literally had to go outside and sit down. My body was trembling so much. How you summed it up was perfectly stated. I cannot agree with you more. Thank you!
@Jazzmen Rain Thank you for your encouraging and therapeutic words of wisdom along with your kindness in tow. After she discarded me, I felt a huge sense of relief. There were other moments when I felt down because we didn’t work out. You’re right, I survived. With the help of God’s grace. I always pray soon after I get up in the morning, with me asking God’s spirit to speak for me, not me for me. You’re right, I made it through grace and dignity and I am truly grateful for that. Thank you for advising me to not be discouraged. I won’t allow what happened discourage me from working with others. Long story behind the business. It was like she played a part with building up my hopes, and then suddenly decided to pull the rug from beneath me. Strange circumstances. Good. I’m glad you are observing people before allowing yourself to trust them. Stay on track with that. Maintain your boundaries, possibly write in a journal what your boundaries are. Also, what you will and will not share. And include how it affected you negatively when you shared information that put you in harms way. In my case, I immediately gave my trust away, allowing myself to be 100% transparent with her. I trusted her that much. Such a mistake on my part. I’m learning to be careful, too. I hope whatever it is you went through, or currently going through, or overcame, has shed light onto your soul. And as each day passes, you are becoming the best version of yourself. Your empathy is helpful, healing, and honest. I need that…so…Thank you so much! I would also like to wish you a happy, and memorable Christmas season and God’s blessings throughout the new year. Peace and good will.
One thing if a sheep tries to annoy u.. Then give it a big fucking smack... U don't need to bear any shit from anyone... Just work on your goals and enjoy life❤
Very good advice. The only thing is that you still cannot win. I've been debating for a week - 7 days straight - with my narcissistic friend about something she didn't do, and I wanted to know why. I nipped all of the DARVO techniques in the bud. But she kept on doing them, over and over again. In the end, I had to admit she had won because she still hadn't answered my question. I was exhausted. But it made it possible for me to go no-contact, so it was worth it.
I got called a bully for staying on the original subject and teasing out the actual real unattractive emotional assumptions that were driving us both. Needless to say I somewhat swiftly arranged my own discard.
i have had that narcissist and fake friend that kept trying to victimize themselves in every argument. in the most recent one, they tried to victimize themselves over 3 different times but i unknowingly did what she said in this video and the narcissist just gave up and tried to make me guilty by blocking me. MISS GURL, YOU DONT HAVE TO TELL ME EVERY ACTION THAT YOU DO.
I really wish I knew about this years ago. I had no idea what was going on and genuinely believed there was something wrong with me for bringing up my concerns.
They are masters of manipulation regardless of whatever is said or done. Best to conserve your energy (for important stuff) rather than let the narcissist drain your batteries every day.
I stayed present when he complained not seeing my father's wil, then I got mad and wanted him to read the whole thing and showed him my small inheritance, he wouldn't look at it, threw it Then got mad and said FU. I guess I am free now. I was shocked.
When I raise concerns about an insulting comment, I'm met with the robotic emotionless responses... "I'm sorry you feel like that" or "You being upset says more about what's wrong you then me" Like its my fault for feeling hurt by her insults.
I Learned This AWhile Back And It Absolutely Stopped The Crazy Making I Stay Right On Point Yes we Have To Operate Like we Are Dealing With A Child Cuz we Are A Demonized Child! Tho I Have ComPassion For The Terrified Child That Lives InSide, I Deal Directly With The Demons When They Manifest They Are Stopped Cuz The Nutty DARVO Stuff Does Not Work It Feels Good To Have my Sanity Back After AlMost 7 Years Of Hell😊
Hahaha. The problem with all this is that it will eventually lead to the narcissists last line of defense - rage. Really - what’s the point. If you are going through these mental gymnastics, the only thing to do is leave and never look back.
Oddly, the narcissistic individual sees others as the actual narcissist , it's a shock to the ego, and the ego can't comprehend everyone being upset for the same reasons, so it feels like everyone else is crazy and you're stuck in the middle of it.. I have NPD and I'm autistic, and most people I'm friends with have many of the same narcissistic spectrum yet it's always easier to see in others than yourself.
I love this, but where does it go? They'll just deny, deny, deny. Is the idea here to wear them down until they see apologizing as the easiest way for them to get out of the conversation? Even if they do apologize, they'll never mean it. To be clear: I am still going to use this to stand up for myself, but I don't think it's really possible to "win" an argument with a narcissist.
I'd say it may not be the best strategy to keep engaging with them even with facts and reality.They love to fight and they will wear you out, you can't have argument with someone who is only looking to win. Grayrocking if you have to talk to them is better option.
This is very clarifying, thank you! I can see the signs more and more clearly and it's hard to accept the pain from the fact that trauma from childhood and the prevalent toxicity nowadays has contributed to my inability or even fear at some level of seeing the truth and protect myself from it when necessary.
Yes, this is very true, to the point and that is the way it should be. Unfortunately narcissists don’t respect that…..just walk away, if you can, or make every effort to run. Or lose, yourself. Stop the bullshit “spinning class”, that will never benefit you, only them.
Do you leave room for "no" if you ask him to do stuff? If you ask for something but get mad if he says no it can cause this type of dynamic cause what you might think of as a friendly request is actually a threat. "Do the dishes or there will be consequences" is what he hears so he says yes out of fear
Gosh some of them are absolute motor mouths especially the covert narc when he/she is drunk, playing the drama, or both. Even if you stop them at the D sometimes there's no stopping their nasty vile disgusting mouths from opening and running. Tuning them out is a wonderful thing. Life is good 😊
Don't children do this naturally because I can remember doing this to my parents or did I learn it from them? I don't think I deflected, but when my mom came to ask me to do the dishes I would say, "Yeah, yeah" or "In a minute" and then when she came back to confront me about it I would ARVO inantely.
Or do the normal thing that normal people do and get out of the relationship. If you think someone around you is a narcisist, why are you still interacting with them?
how could we get strong clever and knowledgeable people and transfer this knowledge to application in a narcissistic society system extended from a close relationship dynamics system
Doesn't work with a stonewaller at 'we are talking about doing the dishes now'....also the blow up can be right there if they like to throw stuff or disappear for days on end...etc
Winning an argument with the narc using there own tactics on them. Deflect tactic called DARVO D deflect A attack Rvo reverse victom into the oppresor Dont let them deflect. From rhe point on what uou guys were arguing about.
Small question would u consider questioning morality in a way that displays an example which did not happen and will not happen just to make ur resoning clear part of darvo
I respect the intent of the video, but this is impossible. You can't make them stop darvo-ing, and they will not allow you to stop them in their tracks. You can't outsmart a narc. There is no "not letting them", they can say what they want. The conversations just have to not be had.
