How Toxic Is Your Family? Family Systems Test 

Dude thank you so much for this What an incredible resource. You're an actual hero. I'm going through emdr now and it's thanks in large part to channels like yours, and your channel, for bringing me to a point where I was courageous enough to take steps. Both my parents died this year. It's been weird. Again, thank you 🙏

Is there a link to the test?

@@erikavaleries www.toxicfamilytest.com

Hi Would you do a video on childhood trauma that's not from the parent. I was abused sa but not by my patience but relatives and when the videos talk about "parent" as the abuser it's hard for me to connect

Mine is at the highest number. Glad I am staying away from them, I am homeless, peace of mind for me.

Such a good point!

Military was therapeutic. First time it seemed someone actually gave a damn about you.

So true!

Strange, isn't it? Finding good bonding where the theme is war. While if in combat more traumatisation of those involved would happen and passed on.

I had a somewhat similar conversation about being in boot camp; the other girls were surprised by how unbothered I was by our RDCs (drill instructors). I replied that they were far better than what I was accustomed to; at least when they yelled at you, it was for a valid reason (most often, safety reasons) and they didn't attack me as a human being for making a mistake. Compared to the narcissistic abuse I'd endured my entire life, boot camp was nothing.

I understand it well. I've experienced both. I was parentified as kid and when I hit puberty I was infantalized and micromanaged. It can be very damaging in terms of self development. But we can heal! Hope you are doing better now. It's the parent own control issues, not us.

Great point!

Yes, this can be major reason for the inability to develop dreams and goals in adulthood as they were always crushed by the authoritarian, hyper critical parent we have internalised

Amen 😔

dang. That is real too! My sister does that to my nephew a bit. I am worried about him. He is smart tho and probably will assert himself big time later. Currently he seems immature.

Same! I took my time. I wanted to give as much room as I could for subjectivity, but the truth is the truth. 💯 It seems he worded it, designed it that way. My heart goes out to you! I hope you are far out of that now. I am. 💜💜💜🕊

I do this on a regular :) I know the answer full well. And still do it, because maybe. It came out just 97 this time, so hey - it's not all that bad.:)

Yeah, my mother thinks I'm the nutcase. Perhaps if I'd not lived with two nut crackers I'd be more whole. These types never take any responsibility. Like mouldy cheese they get more mouldy

​@@StephieGsrEvolution I'm glad you are out of it! My psychopath-violent-alcoholic father is dead and I cut off my enabler flying monkey mother 3 years ago. My life got much easier and I have some space for healing now. Also, my sister took the test and she got 94/100. Sometimes I feel maybe I'm too harsh in my judgement, but then I look into the facts and validate with my sister.

Omg I literally just did this

it is a manipulation technique used in toxic and narcissist relationships@Seerah210

​@Seerah210 Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. In other words, gaslighting. You try to tell the person what they did to hurt you and suddenly the person backs you into a corner with denial, attacking you with word salad of everything bad you've ever done, makes themselves the victim and you the offender. Such a mind-screw.

​@@jennifercooper3812😮 oh yeahh ....thanks!!!

Woah....I really wanna send this to my mum...and I think she'll say... "hmmm weird american ideas / stop battering me with your strange ideas/ it really hurts me"😅😢 nuts!

So true.my family always bullied me into submission and now at age 63 I can see so clearly what this was all about.

Damn, that's really sad. I'm glad you're on the path to healing now. It's never too late.

In middle school I had one like that too. I came very close to asking her if there was another family I could go live with, who wanted a kid. Said I'd behave and do chores. I was trying to adopt myself out.

Emotional neglect is a silent poison, which is equally or even more harmful than a abusive household. You ll never know what's happening to you until you are dead by that silent poison

I had counselling as a child (my parents saw me as the problem.) But I was always very loyal to my (neglectful, critical) parents. I thought the nice lady was trying to make me say bad things about them. 🤔

same scenario...people were picking up i was miserable

Yep.

Same!! It's good to have a way to put it into words. For most of my life, it was just a feeling of "I don't deserve food/housing/sleep/kindness" etc. But when you see that those things were weaponized against you it starts making sense why you thought of it that way

That is so real! yes.

@@scarebears3359Absolutely! I still feel I don’t deserve good things unless I have really really earned them . I know I deserve good things just because I exist because my friend beat it into my head that I do…but I fall back into self sabotage regularly…and then have to start over.

So glad to have a phase for this!🎉

I hope you'll be able to get out from there soon. 🥺

Same

Same

Same. Sending you strength and good vibes. I’m glad you’re here getting the info you need to help you handle things

💜💜💜 my heart goes out to you all! At 46, I would tell myself (18 and younger) to... keep laying low, focus on school as much as you can, and tell anyone who cares as much as you can, look after your siblings and try not to fight with them no matter how annoying. It's not easy once you get out, especially without support, but every single day of freedom ever since been better than that hell. Keep getting as much help as you can. Stay as strong as you can, work as hard as you can, but try not to be too hard on yourself when you can't. And don't take anyone's 💩 that you don't have to take, even from bosses without a speedy exit plan, and ESPECIALLY don't take 💩 from romantic partners who are supposed to love you. In fact, hold off on dating for a long time until you get to know yourself better and what you want in life. You got this! It gets better! Your wisdom can help others one day. The most important person you will help is you and every single thing you do for self improvement is worth it! 💯🕊

We should be proud of ourselves! It's a lot to go through! I'm super proud of us, not just because we survived. Our own abusive parents survived. We survive AND still keep actively choosing love for ourselves and others every day by committing to recovery. 🤍🤍🤍🕊

Accept these congratulations and admiration from this internet stranger! 🥰

You are so strong!! It's difficult because you had so much more on your shoulders than any other regular kid! We are all just trying our best

Damn!

My heart bleeds for you. Have you ever confronted the monster?

I've thought of it that way myself in that exact phrase! I have zero plans to "re- gift" this to my niece and nephew. The buck stops here!

@@CoraFrances I love that you’re breaking the cycle!

Ha! Tell me about it. I will have to be in therapy for the rest of my life, Thank you Dad for the leg up in life. Like life aint hard enough as it is. But the best deal is when they think that theyve been father of the century the entire time and is disgusted with you for being all fucked up and traumatized. And your all like, “do you not remember all those times you beat the shit out of my mother in front of me when I was 4?” He goes naw, I was a great father, you are just a no good piece of shit. And you, dumbfounded, think deep in your gut, “idk, seems a bit more nueanced in reality and a bit unfair”. Oh well, what can you do?

I loled so hard 🤣

If some of us victims would decide not to reproduce it would stop rather quickly. Having children seems to make people think they’re real adults and/or they have created someone to love them. They are certain they are not abusing their kids because they’re abusing them somewhat differently than they were abused. A lot of those are right here commenting. (Not saying you!) People think the science and even statistics we have from decades confirming this doesn’t apply to them and they are the exception which is laughably unlikely. If anyone has not yet had children consider not doing so.

I grew up in extreme toxicity where everything revolved around my psychopath father. When he died, my mother started catering the narcissistic abusive golden child sibling. So, it's quite true that toxic families cater the most toxic person, but the most toxic person can change. I wonder who she would start catering if the golden child wasn't there. Fortunately I have 2 more siblings who are not part of the toxic system and are very reasonable about the issue.

I agree, this was a real revelation. When my mom died my GC sister took her place.

This is where i started and man these channels are life savers. Finally have a good therapist now and am working toward real healing

Patrick is better than all the therapists I’ve hired and fired. So much wasted time and money.

Depending on where you live, your local health department may offer mental health treatment on a sliding scale based on your income.

AA therapy groups are usually free I think. I'm looking too.

As a younger woman I felt a great deal of shame and responsibility for what happened, now I’m resentful

The free-floating anxiety and shame in family systems is something I've been curious to learn more about. From what I understand, the unclaimed emotions within a family unit are often the ones caregivers decided to reject, project, or otherwise not take ownership of, and the children (and any members susceptible) within the system take on different levels of these negative feelings and identify with them, depending on what they're exposed to and when. In theory these emotions could be created by any members of the family unit; any illness or unavailability of any member influences the rest of the system to compensate or respond in some way, in an attempt to maintain harmony within the unit. I was amazed to see how well children learn their parents routines, I didn't truly believe it until I had my own kid. He has learned how to navigate my anxiety and attention issues in impressively effective (and often hilarious) ways, to get what he wants. It's cute until a behavior is overwhelming to deal with and you know you only have yourself to blame. 🤣🥲

I don't think it will work for everyone. I was a scapegoat but never internalized shame and was always defiant. I think because I had a very loving caregiver until the age of 5, then I was removed to a very different dysfunctional situation (parent said we going on vacation but we never went home). Another boon was because I was scapegoated as mentally ill so they could get SSI check, (my aunt who was estranged told me this later. Since I moved away at 18 no therapist has ever suggested I show any dignity of mental illness and I was sincere about seeking to know if I had one) but because of that I was in biweekly therapy age 14-18 and months psychiatrist, plus four 30 day psych stays ages 12-14. As a result I learned healthy stuff like boundaries etc. When my mom came to sessions she refused to cooperate and blamed everything on me and they couldn't make her cooperate. She even dragged me from a therapist once because he told her not to hit me again or he'd report it. So I always felt I was treated unfairly but because authority like police and psych was weaponized against me, I identified as an outsider or criminal (even though I was naturally high empathy - I only committed "victimless" type crime except in cases where someone put their hands on me first - as a teen was gaybashed by a grown ass man put my head thru a window, bootstomped my face fractured nose skull, face, concussion etc was choking me, so I cut him open with shears from my cosmetology class ) I always fought back or ran away, while I wasn't naturally aggressive I wound up more of a path of minor juvenile delinquency for either fighting back or walking out rather than accepting any abuse or authority. The police were regularly called after I was hit because I wouldnt submit, and my mom has the mental maturity of an 11 yo - if I close a door to prevent getting hit she will call cops not as a manipulation but thst she genuinely believes its a crime to defy her- or when younger when everyone in family is ridiculing and throwing things at me n calling me crazy id just cover my ears and scream so theyd call cops on me. Cops almost always took adults side, some even joined in and mocked me and took pics. One time in later adolescence there was a nice cop who told me basically there wasn't anything that could be done til i was 18 but gave me a rubber band to wear on my wrist and told me that f i ever wanted to get away I had to be more disciplined than them and snap the rubber band rather than react and he told me to read about zen Buddhism. I even broke out of a locked psych ward at age 13 and hitched across the country. I feel a sense of guilt more than shame- my former roommate once said I have "that thing probably from being a bad kid" like where I "skulk in kitchen looking guilty as if you expect to be caught and punished and sent upstate for eating " I honestly dont feel like I have shame from it... almost it made me shameless because I identified *against* it...it did trick me into thinking the world ie normal ppl hated me though, which if you believe that bad shit winds up happening to you in cascades from your positioning yourself defensively against the world. I hadda unlearn that. It helped that i moved away and became very successful in my 20s and kinda the family Hero...which it's weird to have that dual role and her always trying to push me back in scapegoat box but she needs me to be the hero on practical level, so her actions would go back n forth. So rather than shame for me its more like a sinking sense of guilt and fear that I'm gonna be betrayed, blamed, set up and trapped. But never a sense that I actually deserve it.

@@rickwrites2612 it isn't so much thinking we deserve it. I didn't think I deserved what my ex husband did. However, I didn't act like a stranger would have. I didn't report each thing to the police, because that was reframed as an attack on him. I thought that would be me going out of my way to hurt him. But it wouldn't have been, it would have been common sense to anyone who didn't love him. It would have been a defensive act, one where he had already been the aggressor and was facing the consequences I unknowingly was sheltering him from. The sort of shame we feel, we identify with. It isn't shame for what happened, or not logically understanding we are equal to others. It's a sort of not knowing what we deserve, what our inherent rights are, and feeling empowered to ensure they are protected. It doesn't always look like "I don't feel good enough to get out of this," but shame from toxic families of origin can warp and take on new forms, once we pick it up. Where your mom should have been embarrassed and wasn't, you felt that embarrassment. You knew when she should have been ashamed, and yet she was not. This sort of shame from growing in a toxic system shows up in the strict standards we hold for ourselves (or else we would be "bad") and the level of compassion we allow ourselves. It's in whether or not we actually like ourselves, as a person. It ends up poisoning our relationship with our own self. I did not understand until I had a baby, and taking care of his needs, not wanting him to be uncomfortable, came naturally to me. And yet, my family said I was spoiling him, for not immediately saying "you're okay" when he falls, I ask if he is okay. We are trained in very insidious ways to not care for ourselves in the "common sense" methods others had the opportunity to learn, when our attention had to be on an unstable parent. Do you feel comfortable asking for a correction, if a plate comes out wrong from a restaurant? Do you feel comfortable walking into any space, any building, no matter the level of wealth required to be a regular member? Do you feel like you have the right to tell a romantic interest when they do something that bothers you? All three are shame related. It's difficult, because we see our parents acting entitled, so we work to never be like that. But there are things we are in fact, very entitled to, that our parents never honored. That's where we carry systems' shame.

I don’t feel shame at all. But my parents should’ve gone to prison.

I had a great laugh at the family over-achiever bit. Darlin' I feel you there! I got 94/100.

@@spacegirl226 So glad you got a chuckle out of it. That’s one of the reasons that Patrick’s channel resonates with me, his sense of humor over truly crappy upsetting topics.

@@Leafygreen123 Yes! I appreciate that we can laugh even though the stuff we went through was awful.

@@spacegirl226 Agreed!

yep me too. But I honestly answered and that last question seemed to be a step down.

I have said that exact phrase so many times. I wondered how other people _did_ it! Then found out that I was born with a couple of genetic diseases that make things physically more difficult for me than the average, healthy person, plus an abusive and dysfunctional childhood and teens. I look at it now like, "I'm doing so well _in spite_ of all the hurdles and setbacks, must have needed some dead weight to hold me back so I wouldn't rock the world too much" 😄 That's where I'm at with it right now, anyway. Keeps me from a constant pity party, at least. 🤷‍♀️

I love your expression of this. Very helpful😀

I thought everyone I knew had the same 100/100 childhood as I did, like it was so normal, can't remember a time when my mother-father-misc partners they had weren't toxic. Maybe when they were sleeping.

I still do

Same. the 100 made me feel stupid. should've never in 1,000,000 years felt bad for leaving, and got out before i was broke financially and mentally. Also thought, "why is everyone so happy, and their life is awesome, they must be insane, because this sucks" The difference in living in the US, vs Soviet Russia or North Korea mentally.

YOUR BOYFRIEND IS A KEEPER. I'M SURE YOUR KNOW.

I never wondered either. My younger brother told me I used to look at him and say things like, "This is effed up!" and "This is crazy!" I did wonder what the hell was wrong and if we were cursed or something.

same here. mom died when i was a kid so of course i tried to keep my abusive father in my life because i wanted at least ONE parent- better a shitty one than none, right ? 10 years of trying to reason with him and communicate and pour so much care into the relationship, all to be thrown away by one voicemail. for some people, no amount of love and care will move their mountain of baggage an inch.

Same. Always knew. That's why I felt trapped.

I knew since I was 3! Got out ASAP, but NOT unscathed. Has made therapy a nightmare. Still trying!

I did the same exact thing! I'm 65 now and I wasted so much time. Once those patterns are established it takes a monumental effort to change them. Plus, they get validation from others just like them and you are outnumbered! Futile! And you risk them making themselves the "victim" of YOUR abuse! LOL! Definitely NOT worth the effort.... run!

Hi there! I scored a 68... I hear you about the adult drama... It's a trauma to drama pipeline! One day, we'll be able to flush it all out! Many hugs your way!

@sarahvandekendelaere8761 My score was 84! I am 72. It's been a wild ride for sure.

I got a 78 so I get that and therapy seems good for it

Huge numbers of viewers State this constantly. I understand it but I knew, from age 5 or 6 that I was very unlucky in the parental lottery. Mostly because of seeing how other parents treated their kids. I knew shortly after that that my adulthood would be messed up. After that realized at around 14? that I might have a chance for a tolerable life as a 60+. I found that would not come to pass.

@Bronte866 tolerable...that seems what my life has always been. Barely tolerable. Hugs to all us over 70, that survived!!

😄😅😓😥😭

😂😂😂

😂😅😂🎉

Hhhhhhhh got a 99🤣🤣🤣🤣 always a high achiever

I love your humor 😂😂. Very funny!

Yes. I just got off a channel and these misogynist guys from the comment section were thrashing me.

I don't hear toxic much but I'm in Australia. Dysfunctional is more likely to be used. People are obsessed wth saying 'impacts' and all forms of this word.

@@streaming5332 I hadn't thought about different countries / cultures and the use of the word 'toxic', or not. To me 'dysfunctional' isn't a satisfactory alternative, as it doesn't adequately express the harm and damage of a toxic home. Dysfunctional = it doesn't work. Toxic = it is poisonous.

@@streaming5332 There are regional words and trends. Here in the US its "toxic", "literally", "yeah-no", "gender neutral", "binary" . . . there's a bunch of them.

agree about these words being over used. they are good words and apply to some situations but they are used so much, nobody even listens to them anymore.

We’ve had a similar experience. Parenthood is hard and sometimes people do the best they know how to do, at that time.

I’m sorry you went through that, thank you so much for sharing your story.

Rings so true for me and my sisters! Ugh!

I repeated the test 3 times, I got severe toxicity too and I'm kinda shocked, it was really that bad, I cannot believe 99% of people sugar-coated and that I believed it wasn't that bad

Literally when I was in my 20s and younger I thought I was incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful family, not like other people's problematic families. Omg lol.

Hi @utuelias, how does one find a cptsd therapy group?

The same as you... I took my family as loving and supportive (really seemed to be) until I was 29, and my test result is also severe toxicity (73/100). At 29, I went oversea for PhD studies and had a major break-up with my then partner. Back then, all my parents (especially my dad) said was like "why can't you as happy as others? Why you always make your parents worry?" After that, I finally gradually figured out, my parents made my inner self to blame myself, since I was very little. I have felt emptiness, felt worthless and had low self-esteem because being long-term emotional neglected. I never had thought of these feelings actually comes from them, because I thought I had a good family... But when I tried to tell my parents, they were just like "Of course we love you!! We just don't know how to comfort you!! Is this our fault?!" Then I went silent... Yes, this is a confirmation of them to be toxic. (BTW they paid my therapy, for 6 years I think. I still believe that they love me, but it does not mean that they didn't do any harm. They did a lot.)

Wow. We sound like dopplegangers, mirror images. I think one of the most cruel aspects of all this is the extent to which it is normalised, first within family of origin, then in society which largely fails to recognise poor family systems. It's like trying to move out of dysfunction while everyone around you is saying "What dysfunction? Are you crazy??"

@@whatshername656 very well said! It’s so crazy making and disorienting because sadly it seems the siblings for the most part only treat me poorly so if I step away the rest of the family (and society at large) doesn’t understand why.

@@dnk4559 yet as soon as you do step away, the family system changes. They need to find someone new to blame, someone new to do the caring, someone new to plug the gaps. In my case my sister stepped into the caring role. She complains endlessly about how much she gives. And I respond "well it's you doing the giving, maybe you need to think about that". But she's stuck in the mindset that she has no choice, and I am harsh and uncaring. Then we go another year without talking. Which is fine by me.

I received an 89 as well. I'm a 31-year-old eldest sibling scapegoat also. I now have a validating number to keep in the back of my mind as I commit to going no-contact in 2024. Sending you positive vibes and hope.

@@ChrisMeadows1992 and the same to you as well! I am low contact with my two siblings who are left after our parents have passed but made the decision to not spend any holidays with them as nothing has changed. I can see them at weddings, showers and funerals. If someday they choose to heal and mend the relationship I will consider it but only after they’ve seriously spent some time in recovery of some sort.

Our whole damn system (especially in US) enables toxic behaviors and abuse of power.

Totally reflects some of my worst workplace experiences. Narcissists (highly traumatised people) or worse, collectives of narcissists traumatising other people.

Ya this is all too common.

Our jobs become our “workplace families”, the same dynamics definitely come out!

absolutely same situation. I was never thought how to function alone, instead my spirit was slowly murdered throught my life. don't know how to function as an adult, am paralyzed every single day, can't make a single change, barely leave my room, still live with my parents. I don't know what to do or how to ever scape this situation. I'm drowning. I understand.

It's very interesting having memories pop up and viewing them from a different lens. I guess that's part of the process...realizing how bad it really was 💖

i got 58, so not that high either i guess

Lower score is not to be underestimated, the test doesn't cover every possible situation. Even untreated flu can be dangerous and the "small traumas" are like that, they turn to CPTSD that can disturb our life.

I got a 46/100. But I took the test because my mom is losing it over nothing today.

I got 52.

Don't forget the test doesn't measure trauma but toxicity. I got 68 and immediately started to berate myself for being traumatized at all -- other people have it worse, right? But there are other factors in trauma and having a toxic home environment only contributes to those. Ironically, I'd validate anyone with a "mere" 45 score and yet feel like my own score is a joke and I should obviously just stop feeling sorry for myself. lol.

This! 🔥

Lol, are you me?! Because same.

Same here

an update! when I made the original comment I was at that point in my journey where you're just realizing how fucked up your childhood was so almost every reaction comes out as quite angry and maybe even reactionary having come down a good bit from that original place or anger, now I felt like surely I had been making a bigger deal out of it than it was. so I took it again and…still got severe dysfunction, which surprised me A LOT because I was answering the questions so calmly I was sure it would tell me my family was not that bad. so I guess the point I wanted to make here is that not all anger is made equal and just because you're angry does not mean your judgement is clouded. you're reality is your reality, no matter what others (or even you) tells you

Hahahaha❤

I feel for you. That is a really tough situation.

I empathise. My parents are adored and loved by everyone. But to me they have been extremely emotionally neglectful for decades.

Same😢

Sorry, Cindy. My birth mother is the same. I had to cut her off completely. I blocked her on social, phone, and moved. She never actually was allowed to have her own identity, as her evil husband never let her have her own email. So I blocked his, not that he would ever write me. Their son, my half brother by blood only is a meth head, drunk, with a sick wife, and a poor little boy that I will never have a relationship with. He is their golden boy, they prop him up, supporting him while he goes to jail, on probation, getting arrested, abusing his wife. I am the black sheep, my wife and I live as far away as possible. They all hate me, and my wife and are terrible people.

I don't have a family anymore either ❤️

@@sweetgirly8489 sorry to hear. As a person who grew up without a family, I know the damage it caused for me and still does to this day. I’m sorry you have experienced this and I hope you are okay everyday. 🩵

I'm like this too. I got 61 on the test, but I could've scored lower on a different day because some of the questions are hard to answer for me. Im tempted to minimize it all. But it affected me a lot. Thankfully I married a good person somehow, but my sisters married horrible narcissistic men. I have a lot of problems.

@@PrincessMicrowave I feel you. I answered very conservatively so our true scores are probably very similar. I'm glad you ended up with someone good - that only happened for me after I became determined to never date a narcissist again. I might recommend to you to try to learn about specific ways that abusive people talk or argue. I did that by listening to abuse recordings on youtube. I had a lightbulb moment when after studying those recordings for a year or two, I got in an argument with my abusive parent and they used every single tactic in the course of the conversation. My mind still tries to delete this knowledge, and I just have to keep reminding myself that I do know and I have seen the truth. And every time I talk to my family, I pay close attention to how they still are, and probably always will be, and I don't allow them to have power over me anymore (to the best of my ability). I also really recommend trauma therapy, especially therapies built for treating PTSD like EMDR, somatic therapy, and brainspotting. When I started EMDR my core trauma was around being bullied in school at age 11, but as I've peeled back the onion I discovered traumas from younger ages that I don't have memories of, mostly of being abandoned, undervalued, and not able to express myself with my parents. All of those traumas on the face can sound very mild compared to what other people have gone through, but all I know is the effect they had on my life (being essentially paralyzed and always in an anxious or depressed state), and how much better I am now that I have addressed and freed those traumas. If my traumas were mild and they affected me that much, it only makes me more certain that probably everyone should be undergoing these therapies. Maybe something more constructive than comparing our traumas to other people is to acknowledge the real effects it has had on our lives specifically. We can't rationalize away things like that, it's real. It prevented me from being able to do anything I loved, or do anything nice for myself for at least a decade. I mourn those times and remind myself I deserved more. I'm sure we all deserve more in some way because the world really isn't that amazing. I hope you find a way to take care of and heal those parts of yourself that do deserve healing.

If anything it can be harder to work through something when it's 'not that bad' because it's more tempting try to 'reconcile', ie. balance the bad with good. Bad isn't cancelled out or minimised by good. It sounds like you are too generous in seeing the good in people and situations, and that is something that will always give people opportunity to harm. Red flags are not to be collected like a bunch of roses, until you feel you have 'enough' of them. You do not need to understand abusive people, only to remove them from your life. Speaking as someone who thought similarly for a long time.

@@allegraferrente7980 Thank you! That's very wise and helpful. I think I have learned that when someone demonstrates an abusive behavior, it is a very serious choice they made and is really only the tip of the iceberg of their underlying beliefs that allowed them to be capable of such a thing. But I do still find this knowledge difficult to put into practice. Thank you.

What is it with people thinking adding more kids to a toxic situation will somehow make it better? This seems to be an all too common belief.

Your description of your parents is so similar to my family, I just took the test and got basically your score (64), and it makes me feel better knowing that you're no contact because it's what i'd like to do... thanks for sharing

I got 69/100 - severe toxicity. I too feel that my mother was toxic when i was a child and now she has started to fuelling the most toxic person in my family. I have started no contact just now. They brand me as sensitive, abusive, violent and depressing. I have seen many times their ego getting satisfied whenever they talk about me like this. I personally feel the years i have lived to be a crap.

Wooow I feel the same

Hello, can I ask you please where can I find that previous test for family toxicity.Thank you

​@@MsLayllayou can find it in this video description actually

@@MsLaylla It was in a previous post on RU-vid but not the other sites.

I got the same as well. 90 out of 100

@@sillysnek9357 Thank you I found it. 91/100

Oh hell yes. I go out of my way to make sure noone felt as i did when i was a kid. Sometimes i wish there was someone like me for me but i guess we have to be that for ourselves.

Omg same I always over extend and empathic with others and try and be there for others and I low-key wished I had a best friend that was like me for me

got the same result and hard agree

My father always said: "The children in Africa are starving and have to work hard. Don't complain! You're fine!"

86 and a bit surprised here too. I thought I might get 70 🤷‍♀️

@@percypino8962 It's possible we had the same dad. LOL. I once fell from the top of the basement stairs because of snow on my boots, and I screamed all the way down. He said "People are watching tv up here, stop that screaming." When I told him, from the basement floor, that I had fell and I wasn't sure if anything was broken, he said "Well get up and find out.". When I was able to stand up he said "See, you're fine". Cut to narration: "But she wasn't fine. She had fractured her foot, which untreated developed a bone growth and tendonitis that would haunt her for life.". I'm fine. No really, fine. Fine.

@@catserver8577Fine indeed: “F’ed up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional”. 😂 Seriously, though, I’m sorry you went through that. No matter where we all score on these tests, it doesn’t make what we endured ok. Even if it “wasn’t that bad,” it was still “bad”.

Yeah it's crazy that we grew up being taught that the standard of parenting was to have food and clothing and a warm home, and thats all you need and you should be grateful.

In your case the worst option applies, you were scared to confront your parents bc you knew it will make things worse. They didn't care abt emergencies - also the worst option. Stay strong, there are people with similar experiences.

That was 😢 to read. Its severe neglect.

I know what you mean. Performative and doing bare minimum. But actually don't care about you or show any interest in you at all from about adolescence. Infantalise and only really talk about you in a positive way when you were very young and could be controlled and moulded. I understand.

⁠​⁠@@ZabatheFrogI felt the same way while taking this test. Your comment made me feel less alone, and I hope mine does too.🫶

Pretty much relate to this. The parents barely reacting to emergencies happened most of the time, but there were moments like this one I remember, My dad was taking my lil sis and I home from church, he gets a call from his parents and finds out his grandfather died. He goes stone quiet and cold. I picked up on it instantly and got scared. I didn't care a thing about the family member that died. I was just ready to get home and away from my father's silent... rage was it??? I don't know. It weirds me out to this day. Its so unsettling to witness it though.

These tests aren't for us NDs. If you have to ask/take a quiz, I think it's fair to say there is toxicity 💖

Lol took until my late 30s for someone to tell me our physical punishments weren't "normal" and it wa sinfact abuse.

Im not ND but I wondered as well. I thought real emergency situations didn’t happen often, tho they made a huge fuss about everything almost, so I wasn’t confident about scoring for that one 🤷🏻‍♀️ still got extremely toxic anyway

I didn't need to, but took it out of curiosity. I think if you take your time and answer as honestly as you can, you'll get an accurate score.

I still found the test somewhat useful even as a ND person, but I feel ya. I overthink the options typically and I also famously hold grudges. Which is not to say bad stuff didn't happen to me - I do believe I am not wired to have the most positive, pragmatic outlook on life though. In the end what matters is how the stuff that went down affected you. And if you are left feeling traumatized, that is not up for debate.

I didn't even need it defined the first time he said it in a video, I immediately felt what he was talking about. incredibly useful to have it put to words.

Yes!! My dad would take me aside at age ten in private convo that my mom refused to have sex with him or wouldn’t have enough sex with him so he’d have to force himself on her 😅

Me too. They are gaslighters projecting on you, making you the scapegoat. Don't believe it.

I've been hearing this from my mom throughout my whole life 👍

You should. I turned back after my dad chased me out the house and got harassed more down the line. Not in a 'he's beating my face blue every time I come around' way, but 'a ticking time bomb that you're trying to hold before it goes off' type of way. My boyfriend makes me feel obligated to visit my family cause they keep enticing him by being nice: it's crippled my life.

shattered, I realize relationships are give and take, but don’t let anyone “make you feel obligated” to return to your FoO if you’re not comfortable. You don’t owe your FoO anything anymore. Don’t compromise your mental health, self care is your priority

Ask how much experience they have with severe trauma. Not all therapists are good for us high score champs. 💯

Holidays are painful. Take good care. ♥️

Me too... they projected everything messed up about them onto the children. My mother says I have "false memories" . So invalidating .

Sounds exactly like my mother.

Not some - almost all.

Same 😂

Hearing you on this. The holiday season in particular brings up wounds I've long been working on healing. My (older) sister cut me, my husband and our unborn child off 19 years ago. It took 8 years for the first wave of recovery, then only just last year did I finally feel free from that "if I just keep my foot in the door in case she or any of my other estranged family come back" duty. Their healing/recovery (or not) is their own discovery to have, as is mine/ours. Wishing you gentle peace this coming festive period.

"Okay, let's discuss how _I_ was damaged by the actions of these people and systems then, shall we?" (I'm joking. Like I could ever be that bald and assertive to what I perceive as an authority figure!)

I was wondering the same (with 24/100). If everything is toxic, what does toxic even mean?

Our society is extremely toxic.

Exactly