the avoider. its pretty complicated, one of my parents is an absolute shitbag while the other is the best parent ever. they separated recently, and the good parent has custody, so maybe eventually i wont be an avoider anymore
1. When your family isn't affectionate, when you rarely receiving hugs, kisses or "I love you" and you grew up don't know how to do those things without being awkward or feeling weird
The weird thing is I somehow get past it or just emotionally detach myself from these memories from childhood, because when I think about them it brings all the pain and negativity back. It makes me push everyone away even though all things are better now that im a young adult. The best thing I can advise to anyone in the same situation is to just let go of the past, make realistic long/short term goals and make it happen. Productivity is a depression killer, But stagnation just keeps the dark cloud floating over you.
Istg, some people just say "why are you so rude? You can't give me an hug? It's easy" For me, give an hug is one of the hardest things I can do, and the worst part is that once a friend of mine was crying so I hugged her but she just pushed me away, I'm not blaming her because that was a hard moment for her, but since that day I never hugged again
I am not sure I believe this it is hard to recover but it is not impossible I mean there are residual things left we will not be perfect as we were before but none of us will leave this world without hurt or pain...
@@cassandercameron888 I honestly think you don't ever recover. You sort of just work around it and sometimes find patches for it. But it is still sort of there
I'm, as well as many others, am able to relate to all 5. Goes to show how we can't cookie cut things, but removing a template also isn't the way to go.
about number 4: being a pleaser is also often a result of growing up in an enviroment where your parents' moods change quickly from calm to angry, so you develop an empathetic mind set, where you try to control the mood of those around you. Growing up you had to sense the atmosphere and know how to act the way that didn't trigger your parents' mood.
this is a 100% me, I even don't come along with people who don't show there expressions openly bc I'm always worried that I'm doing something wrong or I'm a burden to them..
I started crying when I heard that… my mom was loving and caring but she was extremely unstable. She had bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety and often took things out on me verbally and physically. So I look at my relationship today and I notice I do everything in my power to make sure my girl is good, she’s happy, she has everything she needs. I will sacrifice my wants and needs for hers and her sons and sometimes I just feel lost.. I feel I’m just going with the flow to avoid these things and avoid conflict cause to her I’m being sensitive or emotional, same shit my moms would tell me.
@@gfc_wd0129 I'm really sorry. I wish you could be yourself and not have to worry about all of that. 😔 I also have a lot of the problems your mother has I hope to never take it out on my children because that's what my mother did as well.
"People usually saw you as the good kid, rather than receiving comfort from your parents, you may have actually been giving *them* comfort..." *mind blown*
For me it was "don't disgrace the family name," "always be on your best behavior," "don't embarrass us" etc... But I just realized it was all to make *them* feel better so they could fit in more and not stand out which is a kind of childhood oppression.
I tried to relate myself to every other love style and was waiting for a “chaotic home” comment. But it didn’t happen until victim which is probably the one I most didn’t wanna be but it’s true
If you dont feel like you fit into one single category, its okay. We're humans, we're unpredictable. Your parents may have been both strict and inconsistently present. Causing you to be a mix of a pleaser and a vasilator. I know myself and many others who have shown different characteristics when loving someone. We all have our own unique love style. Whats important is that we do our best to appreciate those who do care about us, and make amends with the past so that we can love them better.
some of the stuff you do are things you do unconsciously, yea if you’re abused you won’t want to pass that on to other people but if you were taught love in a way that was manipulative and didn’t know it, you could be emotionally abusive to someone without realizing it
It's where I'm at but there's a lot of flaws you develop and don't even know it. Lots of things you have to fight when you realize the things they gave you to make a healthy realationship
Also also... discovering is one thing, but discovery is not definition. You are not defined by your love style(s). We learn these things so we can find balance.
@@eErudius yup yup. You have to find the source of these behaviors and confront them. Trust I’ve been doing it and I can say, my relationships with people as improve but more importantly, the relationship with myself is strengthened. Self love is important. So what I’ve taught my partner and my friends and (hopefully my family if they weren’t stubborn lol) is find that source of your trauma, then find your love languages, and From there you use those love language (everyone has them. It’s key to how people socialize), use them on yourself. When you do that, I promise you things should get easier. The answers are inside us. So I would say to myself: Learn how to treat myself first so that I know what to do and not to do to others from now on. I hope this helps someone in need. 🙏🏾🧿
"pleaser" behavior (both in romantic and other relationships, even professional) is also common in victims of child abuse because they are used to being blamed for everything
Mhmm. I used to have a motto in high school and early adulthood. "I want to make everyone happy, no matter what happens to me." That, and every time I was asked out, unless I was already in a relationship, I couldn't bring myself to say no. Like I would feel bad if I possibly hurt someone's feelings with rejection, so I would give everyone a chance even if I knew I didn't like them beyond friendship. Because of that, I was often called "boy crazy" and slut shamed. And even later on, I apologized to a (now ex)-friend because they were upset that I didn't settle down and left my rapist. It was a horrible cycle of being mistreated and then constantly taking responsibility for other people's actions and putting my happiness and safety aside to make sure everyone else was satisfied. And of course, because the world is so full of people and everyone has their own morals, likes, dislikes, etc., it became impossible to keep up with what everyone wanted, and I would lose friends and have people get mad with me anyways. I quite literally shut down and isolated myself from society because I couldn't handle being used anymore. It was like no matter how much of myself I gave away, it was never enough. I wasn't enough. And I learned slowly in my isolation how unfair it was. That nobody deserves to be abused and treated that way. Unfortunately though, now that I've reworked my priorities and gained self-worth and set high standards for human connection, along with Covid, I've found that I've been isolated for entirely way too long and don't know how to look for the right people. I barely got any friends and don't know how to human. Guess all I can do is try and hope. I'll figure it out eventually. 😂
I’m a pleaser and everything said was pinpoint. As an only child, I was always given so much expectations. It wasn’t easy always trying to please my parents. It reached a point where it was mainly about their happiness over mine. 22 years now, I can see it in my relationship. I’m 2 years and 4 months into my relationship, and I must say, just as the video says, I’m fond of sacrificing for my girlfriend. I don’t know, but deep down it feels so much better when she is smiling, so everything possible. Be it, getting into debt or whatever. I’ll sort out my issues later.
Please, just be circumspect. I lost the love of my life to something like this trait. We were together for 6 years and engaged for 3. We tried to build a life together, but life never seemed to let up. I only ever wanted to see her smile, to hear her laugh, and all the while I was falling into a pit of utter misery and self-loathing for my inadequacy. I lost confidence in my appearance when the anxieties of life eventually caused me to develop severe eczema over nearly all of my body. I found myself disgusting, I was in constant pain and discomfort, and hence we lost our intimacy. I couldn't work much due to it and my complete lack of motivation, which only made me think I was more of a failure. I tried to do everything I could for her, to salve her worries and cook her food, do all the little things and make her comfortable, and yet... slowly, the love that was born and cemented in the space of a single day dwindled and died, until we were basically nothing more than roommates. We argued more and more and loved less and less. One day, when I finally thought things might be looking up, she asked me with tears in her eyes if I would sleep in the spare room. That was it. I was blindsided, and I don't know why in retrospect. I couldn't see the wood for the trees. It'll be three years since then this year, and I don't believe I'll ever love again, because every time I try all I can think of is the time I lost my heart and soul to the vagaries of my own mind. It's been so long and it still chokes me up to think of it all. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself a chance. Take care of what you need. You cannot help anyone else if you are yourself dying in whatever way. Don't give up on yourself, and remember, there is always hope. That's all the advice of any worth I can offer. I wish you all the luck and all the happiness in the world.
Damn, that must’ve been so tough for you. You’re honestly incredible, despite what you’ve done to yourself. I wish you the best in life, cause there’s still way to go
Am truly sorry to hear that my friend one thing am gonna say don't give up no matter how many mistakes and even if they are so hard to forget just get over them and find a new girl who loves you and that's the important thing considering the time you lost @@ZoopsMind
I relate too,and the part where you said where you will sort out your problems later is especially true. I dont date,but i try to make things better for friends. I would get myself in trouble just to help out my friend even a little,and i wont do that for myself. I know if i get in trouble i can get myself out of it. But then i wonder if my friends are actually friends? Are they just friends because they get things out of me? I will never know
I once saw someone online say “it’s not always about the hate that you receive, but the love that you don’t receive” when referring to childhood. That has stuck with me ever since. My parents were never angry or violent around me or with me, and on the surface are supportive. But in reality, it’s because we only have a surface level relationship. They were never hateful towards me, but they weren’t totally loving either. I never felt I could be vulnerable with them because my mum struggled with depression and I had to constantly be aware that if I’m sad, it’ll make her sad. So I have to try and make everything happy, even if I’m struggling. Something I still do today 😅
@@bubblegumbishonen honestly I've never met someone (online or irl) who's gone through the same thing as me. I always felt like it's a very unique experience, but it is comforting to know I'm not alone in this. I hope you and your mom are both okay, you're so strong to make everyone else happy but know your feelings are also valid and you have to feel them!
@@midnightfandoms8960 Hey no same to you too!! She's a lot better now, but it was rough back when. I'm still a people-pleaser though sadly. Like it's hard for me to even have to leave my job now bc of how much worse my departure is going to make it for my coworkers. I feel really guilty, but I have no other choice but to leave now to keep my sanity.
@@bubblegumbishonen I’m glad to hear she’s better! And yeah I can understand where you’re coming from, but you have to focus on you! Nothing wrong with wanting to make other people happy, but you gotta look after yourself y’know? I’m still learning too but we’ll be okay 😊
I was the "good kid" growing up, I had a chaotic family. I'd imagine fake scenarios to escape from my reality, the constant fighting and arguments in my family makes me anxious all the time, I always try to please others to avoid conflict cuz I've seen enough of those, im just tired of people arguing for silly stupid stuff I'd say im a mix of the pleaser and the victim Edit: it's both nice and sad to know that I'm not the only one. Dysfunctional families sucked the life out of us. I hope things would get better, stay strong lads.
I feel that I am much the same. My parents are always arguing and shouting at each other or my brother and I just want to either run away or hide. They also always have tried to pressure me to be a farmer and a Christian, so when I finally told them I wanted to be a tattoo artist and practice Wicca, they were less than supportive, especially of my new practice so I have ended up pretending to be Christian while studying Wicca in secret.
Lately for me, it’s getting pretty chaotic for my family and everyone is on edge. It’s not like I’m afraid of conflict or arguing, it’s more of the fact that I find it pointless and a waste of time and energy. It just gets tiring to avoid conflict all together and it eventually catches up to me and what usually happens is that when I’m in a grumpy mood, everyone else is happy. And whenever I’m in a really good mood, everyone else gets angry over the tiniest damn things.
Same, I'm the oldest of 5 and when we were children, our parents used to fight a lot, my father used to come drunk and fight with my mother, nothing physical but shouting matches were enough, I used to hold my little brothers while we cried on the other room wishing to be somewhere else, now at 30 I can't stand conflict, just to thought of maybe getting confrontational with anyone scares me and I just avoid it at all cost
I get what u mean my whole life my parents guilt trip me for everything I ever did and my "friends" said im such a people pleaser like girl u seam to like me more that way
No, that's just you being a narcissist convincing yourself you do it for others but really it's to get glorified and revered by the ones around you as their savior of some sort.
okay well im the mix of an avoider and a pleaser and its crazy how much ur childhood affects u. i knew that my childhood wasnt good but it still hurts knowing this caused my parents behavior.
Likewise, many parents treat their children, thinking “they're just kids; it's not much big of a deal; they're gonna forget.” And those reckless actions turn out to be the biggest traumas in their children's life. Being a little kid cannot make them less of a human. So, please do treat your children thoughtfully.
I always loved growing up having to hear about how terrible my grandmother treated my mother. Always criticizing her weight, to dismissing everything she always liked or ever wanted to be. Apparently my mother never picked up on the fact that she did the same thing to her children except her favorite as well. Parents never have any idea what impact they have on their children's lives and how much damage they do. I haven't spoken to my mother in 13 years, and only because I told her that if she wanted to talk, she could pick up the phone and call sometimes. Sometimes all kids want to know is that someone cares.
This is so true. When i was very little my mum would hold a baby doll and say something like "I have a new baby now..." I'd cry every time and they'd find it funny. It was just a small joke but I still remember it, and have abandonment issues now. And let's just say I didn't handle it very well when my little sister was born lol.
I hate when parents say “they’ll forget” no they won’t and they will hold resentment. You may think “oh he’s/she is 5 they won’t remember this argument.” Oh they will, more than any other memory from when they were 5 or any other age and it will affect them when they grow up
My fiance was an avoider, when we first started dating, he doesn't show much emotions and would be angry if I cried. Or he didn't want to try to understand why I got late when we plan something. Sometimes he will never tell people if he got problems. He wanted to solve it himself. It was so hard to tame someone like him, but now he tried his best to tell me if there is something weighing in his mind or heart and he rarely got angry if I turn emotional. I became his supporter, and always give my shoulder to lean on. He trusted me, starting to be more open towards me and that made me happy. 🥰
Im definetely a pleaser, and my scenario was perfectly described.. not only did it make me feel like i wasnt good enough, i also developed a phobia of failure.. thanks a lot parents 😀
@@arena.f Hey! Now that I clearly now the reason of my insecurity I am trying to change it. Whenever (almost everything) I feel insecure oor I am not good enough to pull this up, I tell myself and so it anyways with that fast beating heart😂. Tbh I am noticing change in my behaviour already.
This also confirms why I never want kids. Trying to break the cycle. Family messed me up so badly that I vowed to myself I would never selfishly put my burdens and baggage on my future kids if I ever thought of having any…
@@shoestring9964 some can sure. Some scenarios you cannot. Some you can ease or control. They do not "go away" you can work at them- like anything else. For me specifically, it's a very long road until that point. ❤ the fact you commented on this and watched this means you are also struggling and I hope that your journey for peace is fast and fulfilling have a wonderful day!
We all somehow effected by family in the past that made us who we are today. It effects the way we act, think and how we raise kids. It's hard to let these negative things we had as a kid go and actually, as the matter of fact, you shouldn't. You should embrace them instead, learn from them, take what's right and discard what's wrong. With what we learned, it's not only for a kid we raise to have a healthy life but also for bringing peace to us addult. Of course, I'm not saying you have to have kids, I'm in no place to tell you what to do. I just want to say there is more than 1 way to end the cycle. It doesn't have to be your own kids you give birth to, it can be any kid that need a healthier life so they won't suffer undeservely what we had to
Shelby, I’m not going to try and change your mind- but you might find someone that’s absolutely wonderful and would make an amazing parent. Marriage is a team thing, there’s still some hope!😊
I’m a mix of avoidance and vacillator mostly. My father was unpredictable with his moods and his temper so I was constantly walking on eggshells, especially being the oldest girl in my family. Aswell as that he didn’t show us any sort of physical affection, his way of showing love was to do things for us, like fixing things in the house or driving us places. I struggle a lot with perfectionism now and the anxiety that comes with it. I also tend to sabotage relationships by overanalysing things and then detaching myself emotionally and physically. This has been an eye opener for sure, thank you :)
No human could be a perfect parent. That is the reality. We can try but we will fail at one thing or a few hundred. There is only - try. Try to do our best. Every parent is a struggling human too with their own issues from their own childhood and life.
@@niwtru right, but that’s really no excuse to pass on the pain unto generation after generation, and what’s worse is parents like this really ever accept that they weren’t really good parents. The child didn’t ask to be in that position hence why people should first see if they are really ready to have kids and be parents not just go off of how they feel. People can heal first before having children.
@@niwtru But all people could be a better person than they are, Obviously we are not perfect, in fact there will always be dysfunctional families and traumatized children, but that doesn't have to stop you from thinking and healing before doing something wrong to your child. What this channel and many people in many ways are trying to do is to make people understand how the choises that you make as a parent have consequences and how to prevent them, and that isn't useless.
The “pleaser” one definitely struck a cord. I’ve always been the family therapist and if ever I didn’t meet the standards expected even if it wasn’t big, the disappointment of my parents would eat me alive.
Same for me. Being the oldest I was always the mediator for conflicts between my parents and siblings. I always try to make everyone else happy because I hope someday someone will do that for me.
And everyone you can help says 'Your girlfriend/boyfriend must be so happy to have you' but for me it feels like noone wants to have a pleaser as partner.. So i hate to always be the nice guy..
@@setjprechel7411 oh i agree, we tend to say its fine just for the sake of everyone around you will not be burdened by what you'll feel. But you're secretly seeking for someone who can give that same amount of care you have given to others.
This sounds similar to attachment style theory. Its crazy how our relationship (or attachment) to our parents almost predetermines our future relationships
There is a school of thought that we spend our adult lives more or less replacing our parents in relationships... If you can get over the "icky part" of the discussion, basically, the thinking is that young women are generally more attracted to men who remind them somehow of their fathers, and young men are generally more attracted to women who remind them of their mothers... I'm not sure entirely on the validity of the thinking, but the existence of such trends is arguable, making it at least worth note. There's likely quite a lot about our formative years (before age 8 or 10 even) that determines a LOT of our adult decision-making paradigms... one way or another. ;o)
@@gnarthdarkanen7464 sounds a bit like Freudian ideas. He's not considered well in psychology these days but I think a lot of the later work by Ainsworth and others draw on that idea that your formative years influence a lot of your life. So I'm sure there's at least some grain of truth in that idea. (I have a psych degree i love discussing these things haha)
I'm grossly aware of all these things not just in myself but the people I've experienced. I lose my composure pretty easily and find myself becoming more resentful toward my parents because of the nature of my experiences. Thank you for these videos, without therapy I'm not entirely sure what other way I'd be able to receive this information and unpack the root causes. Forever a work in progress
4. I had to be a "perfect child" or a "mini adult". Nothing could be wrong because I was "an example" to other kids. My parents were also overprotective and that creates insecurity on your own abilities. Now I do therapy and I'm finally making peace with my vulnerable and human side.
“Did you ever use your imagination to escape the negativity surrounding you?” This is why now, as a teenager I find it hard to cope with real life because I know that no matter how hard I want to escape I can’t.
All these from Beth helped me in my childhood and teenagehood, but especially creating and roleplaying characters has really helped me a LOT in my adult life. Sometimes it's easier to be somebody else and to live in someone else's story.
@@sassylittleprophet true all these helped as well because I've read thousands of minds and characters because of books which made me become mature at a young age since I am the eldest ,with high expectations, apologizing when it's not even my fault the pressure is sometimes too hard to handel.my parents are good people even tho I kept blaming them in my heart but I also realized that they also didn't know how to Express themselves since they both had a tough background. When I'm in school I felt like a kid again but when I come home I felt like a 3rd parent.im trying to act my age since I'm still a minor , I don't want to become an adult yet 😂 so I guess it goes both ways.i feel old writing this lol I'm still in HS.thank you stranger
"Ever use your imagination to escape the negativity surrounding you?" This hit deep because I fear my unstable emotions so much that I practice escapism often and immerse myself in video games.
I relate to all of these 😅 I am kinda greatful though as I with that can empathise with most people. If you are reading this I want to remind you of your strength. The self reflection and inner work you do is not for the weak. It is making a huge difference not only for you but for the people crossing your path. Thank you for making this a better world. You are truly amazing. I love you and I will always be here with you, cheering you on❤
People feel bad for fictional characters but don't give a s* about actual kids going to sleep like that tonight. Just imagine and think about one particular kid crying itself to sleep in Syria or Palastine tonight or anywhere else.. And go donate or do something. Maybe just spread a word if you can't do more. Thank you 💞
My jaw dropped to the core of the earth when they described the avoider. The accuracy was immaculate! My childhood wasn’t the worst in the world, but let me just say, emotions are NOT my thing!
This is just sad, I feel bad for every child who grows up like this but applaud the adult that gets therapy for it. We can't control the past. Stay strong.
To you maybe, to me no childhood was the worst a very bad stage for me most days, I can't think of any good days, other people have to tell me in order for me to remember otherwise it's was just the normal day in and day out routine, deal with a family who would have rather watched me and my sister die while my father did abusive things and my mother letting him still live with her knowing he was a horrible person along with a lot of other very traumatic things going on outside of it all
@@samlafontaine8552 it's what you do in order to survive the worst days that would come but it would cost me to never sleep properly and have to cry myself to sleep a lot. Normalizing it only put me in a numb feeling that now lingers into different emotions without my control. So in reality I still have to pay the price and I still choose to try to forget what happened to me even though I still see the memories that traumatized me the most
You nailed me to the wall with the vacillator: my mother was unpredictable with her temper. One minute she could be smiles and hugs, and the next explosive with anger. I even had a mantra as a kid, "If I wake up and mom is yelling at my brother, the day will end in laughter. But if I wake up and mom is happy, I'm gonna go to bed in tears." No wonder I idealize the "perfect relationship".
god that hits so hard, i was looking for someone else with the vacillator type 😭 i come up with this happy little image of being with someone, and then i always tend to pick apart and lay out the “pros and cons” of a new love interest as if i’m trying to prepare myself for the worst
"Being fully present is too painful for them" Wow. That got me good. I often use my imagination escape. To an outsider it probably looks like I'm daydreaming when I should be working. Like I'm slacking off or something. But no, I'm just trying not to be here in this moment. I get less done this way. I wish I could do more. But it helps me feel more happy.
I agree and disagree. I didn't know i had some issues until i became a parent. I have been working on breaking cycles and learning to show emotion. I didn't grow up in a home where we hugged or said i love you to each other, being sensitive was viewed as being weak. I feel like i will always be a work in progress.
It’s been two years, I had been suffering from depression and your videos helped me out the most, Psych2go. And here today again, at 2AM in the morning, the RU-vid Algorithm has brought me here again. ❤
@@annaa8839 this distinction is more of a reference, I think. You can be a combination of any of those personalities, our psyche is a difficult thing sometimes.
I'm a mix between the pleaser and the victim. My parents always fought when i was young, and they always expected good things from me but i'm too afraid to try and do something because i'm afraid that i can't be good enough and disappoint them. I try my best to make people feel happy but suddenly i ask myself "what if they are not happy with me?" or something like "What if they don't want me around them?" I feel like i don't belong anywhere and i ask myself "Would they be more happy when im gone..?" My imagination feels like the only place i can be free and happy. But the problems don't disappear, they grow bigger and bigger and i feel like i can't handle them. I don't show others when i'm sad, I always pass it off by smiling and saying I'm fine because I know they can't solve my problems.
I don't know who you are, but I am the exact same way as you are... I always hold in my bad emotions and try my best to make others happy and I always feel like if I'm not making them laugh or be happy enough, that they'll toss me away like garbage :(
I was like that for a long time, and still have to remind myself to not use unhealthy coping mechanisms or habits. I'm so lucky to have met my husband when I did. I had started going to a counselor and working through a lot of trauma. He's been there for me. We've had misunderstandings and miscommunications through out the years, but he's been one of the only people I chose to take a chance on and open up. In return, he's been able to open up to me. I'm not over being the "goodie two shoes" and still have trouble making real connections with people, but I've made it through more than I thought possible. I'm far happier than I ever thought I could be. And that matters. I'm improving. Sry for the long comment. I guess I mean to say that I hope everyone like us can find happiness, too.
I relate to all five. I grew up in a big house with four sisters and separated parents. I was the youngest of my family and thus I kind of manifested all of my siblings as some kind of parental figures as well as my birth parents and their new spouses. Each of my family members are so different and due to that, I've developed a whole mix of personalities. I act completely different depending on who I'm with and I don't actually know who I am anymore because I'm constantly trying to lie and pretend when around those I love as to not disappoint them. That may make me sound like a pleaser but I also accidentally use anger as a defense mechanism so I end up disappointing most of them anyway. You can't forget all of my cousins either. My favorite cousin is definitely a pleaser and was unfortunate enough to grow up in a horrible home. She is a very fragile person and cries quite easily due to the fact that she bottles everything up constantly, we're similar in that way. However she never uses anger as a defense mechanism and she's very gentle and kind. I try my hardest to not lash out at her and to keep my cool. I try to be someone she can confide in whenever she needs one but that always backfires because I never have anyone to confide in. Whenever I need to deal with feelings, I just lock myself in my room and turn to food, movies, shows, and games to kind of ignore my feeling and emotions in a way. I used to find myself constantly watching horror movies as to try to scare myself because adrenaline helped me feel less sad but nowadays I find myself feeling barely anything at all. I usually only feel sadness, anger, or just nothing. I haven't had a good dream in years. I only ever have nightmares or just no dreams at all. My nightmares scared me at first but then I quickly got used to them and soon enough, they stopped bothering me! But lately my nightmares have been more realistic and I'm scared all over again. When I used to sleep in my room, weird things would always happen. I would wake up in the middle of the night constantly, I would hear footsteps around my bed as I sleep, I would see glowing eyes peeping at me through the key holes, and sometimes I would even hear whispers. The worst part is that the door to the attic is in my room, right in front of my bed so I have to stare at it every night before bed. All of these experiences obviously scared be but due to the kinds of people my family is, I can't tell any of them for many different reasons, so I just resorted to sleeping on the living room couch! That was completely off track, I apologize. Going back on track: I relate so much to each love style. I have all five love styles. Anyway- thanks for reading my little rant! Goodbye! 💜😅😚✌
awe... dont let the demons in your mind get to you, Ik it may be hard to deal with everything, me relating to a lot of what you said. But you, and everyone reading this, have got to leave your past behind you, stay positive, work on your struggles (with someone would be more beneficial), and keep pushing forward to better yourself. No matter what is holding you back, and no matter what happens just know that no one is perfect, and everyone has their struggles. One thing that really helps me, even though it may not for you, is talking about your struggles, problems, or whatever may be bothering you with a close friend. I dont have anyone like that irl, so I resorted to online relationships with people, and talking to someone you really can trust, and who you know will support you, really helps. Thanks for sharing, and I hope you better yourself... much love❤️ Also if you or anybody wants to talk abt something, im here, Ill be available, Ill link my discord, insta, etc on my channel if anyone wants to talk😊
the pleaser is litterly me not only in relationship but also in friendship and strangers i just met.. the childhood that goes along with that descriped my childhood to well..
I appreciate how in this video the negative behaviors aren't shamed. Instead, it's looked at why people behave a certain way. Why people hurt others. Because it's not pure ego or evil intentions. It's a form of self protection.
As someone with parents who alternated between being extremely loving and being physically and verbally abusive at the flip of a coin, vasilator makes so much sense. Your mind plays tricks on you trying to convince you you're truly unlovable and will never feel complete with the person you know deep down you love and don't want to lose. Still, you'll be almost all too willing to be the one to walk away from it, like you see the other person is as unpredictable as your parents were. You know you're the unstable one and the only thing you can do is try to get control of your negative thoughts about yourself and your relationship so you don't unintentionally sabotage the happiness you've built by walking away because of minor differences.
*Parent pulls you by the arm to your room to shout at you for not doing your chores* "MuH PhYsiCaL aNd VeRbAlL AbUsE" *Meanwhile, in Africa, some parents is beating their child senseless with an oxydated metal rod before they slash the child's back with a machete to leave marks as a reminder*
I can relate so much of this. I am mostly a victim though the rest I can partly relate too. My mother left me be to myself if she is not blaming me for something. The way I got treated in school from mostly females made not having much trust in females too. This days I keep at my Grandmother mostly to myself because I just want to have my peace because I can not really connect to others. I have no real dreames as my mother in her behavior that she is the one with Salomon's wisdom made sure that all what could be interpreted as a job wish is extinguished with the first spark so I do her ideas of job. And now with all my dream bubbles where popped and all her ideas killed the virus I just hope that this Pandemie will keep on decades and mutate so much that all the vaccines turn ineffective so that I can just live on as I have no ideas what to do.
How do you love a person like this, because i was doing literally everything for her and she still walked away, knowing preety well that we were happy together? Or what do you do, u give her space or what, my mind is fried but i know this isn’t her fault for doing me this Way.
This was accurate for you but it's likely very wrong, there is not a single source in the video. Moreover, the video talk about determinism but this is more like a possible reason.
I 100% have The Vacillator. The unpredictable parents was true, and I actually do have not only a fear, but a phobia of being abandoned. I’m shocked how accurate that one is for me.
I’m #4. The Pleaser. This video is scarily accurate to me. My parents were all three of the things listed. Overprotective, Angry, and critical. perks of being homeschooled- conflict is a huuuge trigger, so avoiding it at all costs is a number one priority. If i have to lie or deceive my friends so they think everything’s fine, or if someone else wants to do something, or if there’s something going on, avoiding is and making everyone fine is more important than anything else. EDIT : WOAH. HOW TF DID I GET 452 LIKES!? Thankyou all so much!
I’m the same way. Unfortunately, I had to learn through a rather traumatic experience that this way of living is awful and exhausting. We become very easy to manipulate. Setting boundaries are so important! Being a pleaser is a very difficult habit to break I know, but it’s so worth it. My friends help me the most with this because I’ve communicated this problem and I have to learn to say no, so you could practice that with your friends!
I will be the one to say I had loving and supportive parents. Not saying they're flawless but i do feel happy to know they are great emotional supporting parents. Despite that I still am the pleaser type
I have very loving and selfless parents, but they don’t meet all my needs or spoil me. Thanks to my parents, I’m able to grow up healthily in both physical and mental ways
I've become "The Pleaser" in almost every aspect of any relationship I've been in, whether it was romantic or platonic. I was scared of someone I saw as important being angry or even just disappointed, so I often sacrificed my own happiness and comfort to make sure they were happy. Thankfully, my current boyfriend has helped me and taught me that I have the right to my own happiness. He's been very patient and he's even helped me communicate more. I'm finally at a point where I not only put myself first now, but can also tell someone why instead of throwing myself under the bus.
@@shuvayougoswami1162 it’s complicated and messy, but so is everything else in life. I hope you can put your heart out there and find someone who makes you feel worthy of the whole world
I grew up in a neurodivergent household so the vacillate is super relatable my mother is the sweetest human ever but is often cold, and couldn’t understand to give me love at times when I needed it as a child. My parents were often immature when nurturing me in a way they weren’t prepared, their own perspectives would often cloud their vision as is the case for a lot of neurodivergent people, who can blame then they were going through life un diagnosed must’ve been tough to raise two annoying kids. But I can totally see why I decided they were unreliable and now can’t seem to access my emotions in front of those I love, unless I become extremely vulnerable.
I kinda experienced all of them... And yes I had every sign of who I turned out to be 1. Avoider 0:40 (I relate to this the most) 2. Vacillator 1:30 3. Controller 2:37 4. Pleaser 3:40 5. Victim 4:57 - I grew up without parents because they needed to work... So yeah I learned how to be independent and not care about what I'm feeling because there is no one there to ask what I'm feeling. They were also not there when I needed them the most... Especially when I felt horrible that's why I learned how to just suppress my feelings and always say to myself that I need to be strong because my parents are working hard for me and thought also appeared where I said to myself... If I don't work hard, my parents will abandon me - My sense of security was destroyed at the age of probably 9 when I was touched by a stranger inside our house without my consent, I could feel what that person did but I couldn't move nor do anything. And yes no one was there for me and if I shared about that experience... I'll get judged and I was scared of that because they always judged me. (My parents are working so they were not there) I still haven't told this to them but I probably would never since I have moved on already and healed from it - Also grew up with a caretaker who expects you to be an adult...(Has a high expectations too) and criticized you a lot even for your small mistakes. From that small mistake, you'll get punished lmao (I became a perfectionist because of this haha, and a pleaser) - Grew up in a chaotic place where people are very angry and violent which stresses me out because of their loud voices and things being thrown away. Addicts and people who use marijuana were the ones who I grew up with too but never attempted to also do it (These people can't control their anger) and that's why I try to imagine fun things when I was a child to escape from reality or just draw and animate -I can still go on haha but this is the end- I have already fixed myself (not sure if I'm completely okay but I feel like I am now) and was able to see these flaws back when I was still 13 (watching this video just reminded me of my past just how pathetic I was) I'm 16 now and I'm glad that I don't do these kinds of toxic things anymore because I wanted to change when I was 13 and the reason was because of 3 girls who took advantage of my people pleaser self and humiliated me and even crossed my boundaries like I was just a toy I've been doing great now because I don't stop trying to improve myself and even fix myself all over again I've been also seeing other people as my past self. Thanks for reading all the way through though, I really appreciate it 💓 (I guess I vented out my frustration from the past)
Nushi Manuela, I do arts Ever since I was a kid I always drew what I felt, and talked to myself (self-reflecting or something) And was always alone, always liked to look at nature to calm me down I also write a lot and read
@@newleaf626 Thanks for sharing. You’re just 16 and have a lot of growing to continue to do. Take good care of yourself when no one else will and continue therapy. You’ve got this.
The fact that you have such a mature and self-aware mentality is truly amazing. As I read through your comment, I felt almost as if I was reading about my own similar experiences. I am truly sorry that you had to go through all of that (I’m sorry to EVERYONE and truly am so heartbroken that so many of us have been caused such deep pain and suffering while we were only children…) I completely understand if this may creep you out or something similar, but I was wondering if you would be interested in talking with me sometime. Not in a stalker “I wanna know everything about you” kind of way. But in an honest and genuine conversation kind of way. I went through a lot of stuff in my past (and presently dealing with some major issues) as well and would not only like to get to know your perspective on certain things, because like I said, you seem very self-aware and mature for your age and I am trying to figure out what a younger me would think. Not saying that you are DESTINED to be like me because I believe you would be so much better by the time you’re my age (oh, I’m almost 23 now… I know this makes it creepier that I’m almost 7 years older than you…. Sorry…). I did want to pick your brain a little bit, yes. But I also wanted to talk and give you a little advice and support from someone who not only admires the impact of psychology, but also went through some of the things you have and may be able to offer some additional perspectives and insights. Now I just wanted to reiterate: this is ENTIRELY your decision and I promise that I will not get angry if you ultimately choose to decline. I mean you no harm, I swear. And with you being 16, there is a lot of fear for you and those who care about you, I know. But I am not just some creepy old dude trying to find my way to your heart. Lol, I do feel like my back may be from an old man but otherwise I am in no way trying to pretend to be something or someone I am not. I am willing to do whatever it is that you would need to feel safe because I get that you never know who you can trust anymore. I at least for sure knew that I didn’t at that age and even now. But back to the point, I do not want to cause you worry or harm. I simply think that I would benefit from hearing your perspective on present situations, and I believe (and really hope) that I could offer some helpful advice for things that you may need. But again, you are 1,000,000,000% allowed to tell me no and that you’re not interested. I will respect your feelings and would appreciate the honesty. If nothing else, I hope that you could at least walk away feeling more confident in yourself and in that someone else out there does understand what you are feeling. And if you ever decide to chat, let me know! I know I ranted for-freaking-EVER lmao but I do appreciate you taking the time to read this and whatever you decide, I know that you will be making the best choice possible for yourself and your loved ones. I do appreciate your time and patience with me, and I hope you have a great day, week, month, year, et cetera lol!! Signed, Jamiella “Jamie” Karim P.S. If you do decide that you would like to chat and I have not responded, you are welcome to send me a text at ➕1️⃣-3️⃣1️⃣8️⃣-7️⃣7️⃣2️⃣-7️⃣4️⃣8️⃣5️⃣ which is a secondary phone number to keep myself from giving out personal info on the internet.
I grew up with a bipolar parent and one that changed constantly. I actually meet all of these love types, which I imagine is insanely confusing for the people that care about me. This helped bring some clarity to many things. Thank you.
It’s insane how accurate the pleaser was to me. The high standard was on point. Always expecting straight As. Always expecting to be top of the class, and would threaten to take away stuff I loved in order to see better performance. One* example that came to my head immediately is when they found out I got a C in a progress report for science. They saw it after I had been taken to an evaluation person for band, since I loved playing the drums. They said they wouldn’t have taken me there knowing that I got a C, and threatened to pull me out. I feel sad knowing that this is why I turned out this way.
Don't worry you definitely aren't alone I have the same problems. I'm in place to get valedictorian when I graduate and I came home with a 98 on my progress report the other day and got yelled at for messing up when I'm this close to the end. Now that I'm older I see how awful this way of thinking is and how much it affects me yet I can't help but want to make them proud despite how they never have been no matter what I've done in my life.
Hmm...it's difficult to me 'cause I think I'm a pleaser and I feel concerned about it. But even If I had expectations my parent never do these things. My mom was just only strict so I became very polite. I only make things which could make her happy like grades. But never in my life, I feel like I worked hard for her and only for her. I'm really mixed about that.
I don’t know if I have this love style but I’ve seen it in others and in my personal experience the best relationships for people with this style are ones where the person your with is able to pause and take in the situation and make sure your needs are met as well. The image that comes to my mind is having a delicious piece of cake and getting lost in the delight of eating it. Only to realise it’s the last slice and your friend/significant other hasn’t had any, yet is content to just see you happy. In short you need a friend/significant other that will not only notice that but desire to share the last piece with you. Sorry if this tidbit sounds abstract I just noticed this in a friend who didn’t receive it from his significant other and he became distant and closed off because of it. I just wanted to share so anyone relating to this knows there are people who want to see you happy as well
I’ve only now noticed how toxic my family had been and still is. However, now that I’m older and much more mature to understand, seeing the toxicity in my family allows me to come to think “that’s not how I want to raise my future kids”. I go through emotions by myself, I keep everything to myself. If I try opening up with my parents it will later be used against me. Now that I just got into a relationship I am learning to push all that behind me. I definitely do not want it to affect my relationship.
I wish you all the good fortune in the future. I never knew how toxic my family was until I got in a serious relationship. Her family took me in and showed me real love. We ended up going separate ways but I will never forget them and all they've done for me. They unblinded me to my situation, and I can't thank them enough for that. I hope our souls meet again, for now they have a special place in my heart. Good luck!!
I can to relate to ALL of them! 🙁 I did have a somewhat dramatic childhood and have done so much work to shift out of the unhealthy behaviors but I still struggle in my most intimate relationships. Identifying with those wounds may be keeping me stuck. Now that II’ve identified them here, Perhaps I can send some forgiveness and healing to them. 🙏🏻🌻💕
Same, I feel you. 🤗 I think we need to comprehend our past and our behaviours, don't be obsessed with guilt or blaming, but try to build our life, our emotional and mental balance. We need to understand what love ourselves means and what is healty and constructive for our lives. It's a long tough road, but we can do it. 💪😊
I'm definitely the "pleaser" in my family. Both of my siblings have issues with anger and wanting things done their way, so I always follow what they want. My parents never congratulated me growing up and they were always criticizing my academic abilities. My dad even had my run around a field to lose weight and when I couldn't, he was disappointed in me and made it sound like it was my fault. Today, I want to be a writer and may or may not have learning disabilities that went undiagnosed, and literally no one in my family cares or supports me. They only tease me or put me down...
I, too, am a "pleaser." It's a hard life, but regardless, how our families see us do not define our worth. You are so loved, and you are so capable. Keep moving forward!
“The avoider” is undeniably me and explains me and my life perfectly. As a kid who was practically neglected by my parents, I grew up in foster care. The act of blanking out my emotions is actually something I’ve noticed. Sometimes even when I am happy, I block it out. You can’t control it, it’s a protective barrier. It helped me get out of foster care alive, but now it’s hard to open up emotionally even if I try, I can’t emotionally connect. If I hadn’t had that barrier I might have killed myself, my mind created the barrier as a survival instinct. I heard foster kid lack empathy and it’s true. I’m scared for my life ahead of me, that I’m too broken and I’m gonna die alone. I’m not being exaggerant, I have ruined some good relationships because of this. I love my personal space and in fact I probably could live without somebody for the rest of my life. But the social butterfly part of me wouldn’t. I do also get uncomfortable when people around me feel very emotional. My brain can’t comprehend just how they feel so strongly and deeply enough to cry about a certain something while I don’t can’t seem to feel the same thing. How can somebody feel so much for something like that? I can’t even cry at my grandpas funeral. I didn’t even cry the first two years in foster care. Foster care and my parents ruined me. Stripped me of a good life, with feelings, love, security. I’m scared guys, it’s not as easy as you think to take that physiological barrier away. Even if I say what I’m feeling and I “open up” I feel nothing, it doesn’t mean anything to me. Crapppppp guysssss I’m ruineddddd
I really just want to tell you how admirable it is for you not only to open up this way, but how self aware you are of the "avoider" coping strategy you've used and how you've learnt to put up that protective barrier. I think recognising how human it was that you used that to literally survive in foster care is relevant and something you should give yourself more credit for. I know it seems so tough and you feel like you're "ruined" but trust me you you're on the first step to healing from being open and self aware, things will get better it's up to you to put the work in to put the past behind you and attempt to just keep being you and present and take every day as it comes. Sorry if this a bit too preachy and rambly haha!
You wrote the things that I wanna scream. I realized I wasn't feeling emotions as strong as others when one of my friends died. I attented at my friends funureal out of respect and support my other friends. But his dead affected everyone much more than me. I was and still am disgusted by how I can't get sad to my friends dead. Is every friend of mine that unimportant to me?
I can sympathize with you I just seem to lack of emotions Like I can understand that emotions but not feel it as strong as others person I can only feel strong emotions when something related to me like hurt something deep in me that my brain try to make a barrier to keep those thing deep in my heart I thing that why I only get emotional by my mom Probably because I expect her know me too well so I get more emotional when we argue But besides her I don’t get that emotional to other person because I don’t expect them to know me a lot
I think i get your feeling with the emotional blockout. I am blessed with a very loving and supportive family (not without issues, but fairly minor). However, we moved to a little village when I was young, and there were 12 kids in the whole school (all essentially in the same "class" though taught according to their age), of which 9 were girls(I'm a guy) - 5 from the same extended family, and no boys of the same age. And I was fairly strange - science obsessed and generally a bit odd. Basically, what ensued in breaktimes ranged from ordinary fun in the playground to, looking back on it, essentially bullying. Particularly because the class makeup was dominated by family groups (for much of the time, I was the only child who didn't have a sibling in school), it was very difficult to make any friends who you could rely on to take your side over their family's. This meant it often ended up being me (and sometimes a girl called ember, who was my best friend until she left in p3) against the mob. Two incidents I remember quite clearly were a group of the girls holding hands in a line in front of the bridge on the way to school to stop me cycling home (this happened a few times), and once having my arms and legs grabbed and being physically picked up and lifted away by a gang of mostly older kids. I actually sort of bit one of them to get them to let me go. Anyway, so, this left me pretty wary and distrustful of people who, in hindsight, were just being friendly. (though my best friend atm just walked right up to me on the first day of new school and started being automatically friendly and interested in science and stuff. We've been friends ever since :). I definitely feel that lack of sympathy - when I hear of people dying on the news I mostly feel nothing. When Charlie, one of our cats, disappeared, again, I made the sad faces, but inside - not much, as far as I could tell. Grandad and grandma: pretty much ditto. But at least I have the joy of being able to open up, laugh and talk with mum, dad, and sister - they're just the best family ever, even if mum and sister occasionally yell at each other. Thanks for reading this stupidly long life story - frankly, it just felt good to write and let out.
Crazy how throughout my childhood I went through all of these at some point, whether that's one at a time or multiple at the same time. And I feel like all of these love types are tearing me apart, even if some are stronger than others.
I relate to the pleaser. I've always been "The good child" and really afraid to do whatever I wanted, always apologizing for things out of my control my parents were and are still overprotective
I've always noticed my fiancé has a very unique way of expressing affection. In public, with family, and with friends or others, he does not show affection in the slightest. We rarely touch, not even to hold hands and such, and he never shows much affection around others in general. He's always pretty quiet and doesn't show a lot of more personal emotions, outside of humor and politeness. A lot of people would never know we were even together because he never says or does anything to suggest it. I'm usually the one that will say a light flirt or something that lets people know. However, when alone, he's unnaturally clingy and overly affectionate. Always wants physical contact and always wants some sort of verbal confirmation of affection or love. It can be overwhelming at times, but I've become adjusted to how odd his behavior is romantically. It's very strange how differently he acts when people are present vs when we're alone, as if he's a double-sided coin. Meanwhile though, I'm most definitely a pleaser, so I tend to just go with it with little to no issue, looool.
I can give you some light, I'm mildly the same way just not that strong. It has to do mostly with just letting people see your soft side. He was probably told much like many other men that they need to be strong and polite and all sorts of things that make them more emotionally distant. So we feel like it's socially incorrect to do that and it's uncomfortable to let people see that side of us. But strip away the people and we can unhinge and let it all pour out. I'm sure at this point in your relationship you've already realized it's nothing to worry about but I'll just tell you again it's nothing to worry about.
We have the same issue lol I’m the opposite of him I like clingy I like confirmation out in public that we are a thing. I mean he doesn’t hide it cause the most he’ll do is stick next to me go everywhere I go but we don’t hold hands or anything like that. I like to believe it’s because of the way he grew up? He does have toxic parents and their parents don’t show any love towards each other (when I’m around) so assuming that’s how he grew up. But I got use to it, I’ve realized not everyone is like me and even though he might not be the romantic type in public, some of the actions are what I know he does actually love me, don’t know if I made any sense but I totally get your point. It use to bother me but me personally I just decided to understand him more and like I said some actions he does really show his nice side so I tend to read his body and his actions from that
@@bri3387 Hmm, he never really had toxic parents as far as I know, but he did lose his dad pretty early on in his life, so I feel like that could possibly connect to the cause? It's a pretty weird thing to experience, especially since, in my previous relationships, I got affection in public pretty often, so I get why it could bother you. It originally used to bother me because I tend to be naturally paranoid and would think that maybe he was embarrassed to be around me publicly, or maybe he doesn't actually like me very much, but nowadays I just accept that it's who he happens to be, and he's still my big nerdy cute dork even if he doesn't like to show it too often.
@@nowlindventura5015 I think you hit the nail on the head. I don't think anyone in his family told him that directly, but I figure he may have picked up that whole 'men are strong and not emotional' stereotype from the internet early on or from indirect sources, who knows. That definitely seems pretty accurate though, what you described. He always mentioned how it made him feel uncomfortable and weird. I definitely don't worry about it now, but I did worry a bit in the early days of our relationship, before I really understood that it was just how he is. ^^
Im absolutely the “pleaser” type, while my girlfriend is the “avoider” type. it’s really a struggle for me sometimes, because I take anything and everything to heart. I can feel abandoned so easily when I look at myself and the responses I get from my partner. if they leave me on read, or delivered but theyre actively posting, then it feels like im getting ignored - and obvious sign that I have “somehow failed, and that im not doing enough to entertain or contribute to the relationship, theyre bored of me and I know it” I think one of the really important topics that was included in the pleaser type was consistency. Growing up, I lived in a household with an avoider mother and a controller narcissist father. I couldn’t consistently rely on either of my parents to fulfill my emotional needs, and times of turbulence and fun were often very close in sequence, its like whiplash. I couldn’t completely shut down like my mother, not could I blow my lid and rage like my father. I constantly felt the need to comfort both of them, and take accountability and responsibility if they were upset - I obviously did something wrong.
I agree I get offended sooo easily. Especially with little things like getting left on read, or if somebody looks at my with a weird expression. Getting better
Hey but you seem to have figured it out bro. Way to go. I bet that hasn´t been easy. Now you can work on specific things like tolerate a bad feeling for a while/ working on your patience. I had the same interpersonal fears (I still tend to this behaviour the more valuable a person is to me) and that makes me very reactive. As soon i noticed something negative i straight spoke it out or confronted the person with it. Which was not good at all most of the times. Developing patience has done there so much for me.
My situation exactly.. Myself a pleaser and somewhat avoider fiancée. I understand i take things too hard and care about everything too much, but, i can't help it..
According to this description, I'm totally a pleaser too. When people around me give negative response I always think that it's my fault, that I missed something or I did wrong. I tend to say what others want to hear to avoid conflict and having them disappointed in me. When I was a child I was only living with my mother and she was very absent because of work and stuff so I didn't really had much of affection or attention. So I feel like when someone cares about me I want to do everything that will only please them as I don't wanna lose their affection. Even if I kinda got used to be alone because of my childhood and the absence of my mother. I'm so sorry for any other person in the same case 🧡
You’ll see your child self in your adult self. Treat yourself kindly and attempt to do different and risk vulnerability. We’re all trying to protect ourselves even though we need others to heal. I love you all who is reading this. It’s hard to do this alone.
I'm glad to see this comment. I can pretty see this in the person I care so much. He is just a child who tries to like an adult but is having problems with communicating. I saw this right away and realized, I have this talent from God to see the truth of a person.
You know it hits worse when you can't recall when your parents did such things but you have more than 1 love styles morphed. Perhaps it's denial and a coping mechanism unfortunately :(
Or honestly, a lot of people have at least some of these traits, fears, etc. and it’s not always because of some hidden childhood trauma. Wanting to be controlling or needing a lot of personal space isn’t always an indicator that you were neglected or unsafe
A lot of my issues are from people outside if my family. My family isn't perfect but the most hurt came from outside the home. I definitely have all these styles mixed together, weird situation.
Yup I am a pleaser and a victim and when it seems like a peaceful relationship I turn into a controller when I do not have much Conflict which for me is alarming for me... irrational and emotionally charged easily lead into creating chaos especially if I do not get my way... nothing subtle about that
The first example hit me like a freaking train. Growing up with a poor family I never really got to see my parent because they were focused on making a better life for me. What messed me up about it was the fact that they acknowledged it. Despite the fact that I respect them for coming clean I can’t get over how it actually messed with me because I’m horrible with affection
I'm pretty sure my family was poor cuz my parents were losers. They could have earned better money, but they avoided it. They were gone all day because they wanted to under-achieve even though that meant longer hours.
I'm a mix of controller and avoider. I don't react well to strong emotions like sadness and anger, but at the same time, anger is my default emotion and I like to be in control of situations.
i’m definitely an avoider. there’s not 1 single person in my whole entire life that has ever seen me cry and honestly that’s so sad to think about. I always keep my feelings to myself and never open up to anyone. My parents were awesome and i’m not disappointed in the way they raised me at all but they just weren’t affectionate with my siblings and I and that’s why I feel really awkward hugging, kissing or saying I love you to someone
Do you think that the most accurate measurement of courage expressed is being vulnerable in telling the account of your life to feel free to grow outside of your comfort level to express affection for others in boundaries of self-respect and respect for others of course. If you ask the person or people you know if they would accept a hug ?
yeah same, i just can't invest my feelings in somebody so quickly, (my friend of 3yrs ghosted me and i just felt nothing) not even my parents yet// just wondering if i can ever get to experience true love, or be able to invest my feelings
Me 2 however I'm a avoider and a pleaser. I grew up being taught independence and with a controlling parent not parents but 1 adult. No one ever sees my true emotions, I'm independent but I always try to please others (not on purpose , I often choose the opposite of what I really feel).
The Vacillator was so accurate i had to take a breath. Ive never been able to put to words why i’m so cautious / mistrusting in any type of relationship, but you did. It’s not that the love wasn’t present, but the inconsistency and chaos taught me that loving people will only lead to disappointment.
the entire time i was like "Oh yea, that fits!" And then seeing the parents stuff "Oh nope, my parents didnt do that" Im somehow a mix of the pleaser, the last one and first one 🤷🏼♂️
i felt like pleaser, then indecisive, then the victim probably fit me best, although going through this i was like "yep my parents were like that, and that.. and that, and that, and that." xD
Well I'm all and not because of my parents but because of ✨trauma✨ Not their fault tbh I was just at the wrong palace and wrong time a lot of the times
@@s.s9544 Im sorry to hear that you had to go through trauma and that you didn't had your parents to fall back on. If you need a talk I'm here. Maybe things are better now. Maybe not. Just know I'm here. I don't want anyone to go trough trauma. That shit is hard. And sometimes you never can heal completely so yeah I'm here for you when you need me! (I know I'm a stranger but sometimes it's easier to talk to a stranger)
Coming from a struggling family ik how it feels to not have fancy things but i pray to god and he answers them and keep pushing me forward to achieve my goal and give my family and other people happiness❤❤
The lockdowns made me realize how toxic and disturbing my relationship was with my toxic mother. I began to unlearn so much and I’m still doing it. It’s not a easy process but once you identify that you’re not in a good atmosphere, it’s time to make the change.
Even yesterday I argued with my toxic dad , he says that being a feminist is a worst myth of this generation . I totally lost faith in humanity just because I am not achieving A+ grades , not being a pro at sports , not being regressive like accepting the elders slavery ideology my dad gave me a lecture and forced me to follow everything they say . But I am not born here to satisfy your expectation on me , I was born to live a happy and meaningful life . Just because I am not financially independent I'm dying in my very own house . In my entire life I didn't even experienced a single act of love from my family . I can surely assure that this generation's parenting will be the best because most of us had gone through a very tough lifestyle being with toxic parents and we know how much impact it creates .
@@misssujithraqueen8397 super fuckin facts. Sounds like there’s a trend coming from that generation. I’m 36,. Something about that generation. They didn’t have the access to certain things as we do, but that’s doesn’t give them the right to be excused from all of it. When I put my foot down, people gave me the old “well shes set in her ways” but what does that have to do with showing me respect and love?
I'm definitely a pleaser. Not because of my parents cuz they supported me even though I have failed. I think it was my own thoughts that made me become one. Living with a voice in my head, telling me that 'I was always a failure' is matching the description of a pleaser very well
I've had this exact same thought at least 50 times just this week. How exhausting It is to have such high standads and such low self esteem at the same time
This is true I am now in my thirties and children are not looking to be a reality... because my patience hasn't grown in years and the fact how I deal with conflict is alarming i tend to get loud and become irrational
The first one is definitely related to my bf. It hurts me to think that he never received any type or shape of love from anyone throughout his childhood or his entire life until I met him. I make sure to shower him with love and tell him how amazing he is. It breaks my heart. He’s such a beautiful soul. Still a poor little babyboy who needs hugs and kisses.
I realte to all of them especially the first one. Seeing that character crying under the sheets in the middle of the night reminded me when I was 7yo. It was the start that would last until I left home at 18. I'm 41 now and I still can feel all those emotions. When I had my children, I did everything oppose to what I went through because I never want them to grow up with mental and emotional struggles be it with themselves or with others.
Damn, u lucky already got kids, i'm near 40 now & still struggle in daily lives just to be me with all of my traits, wether its good or bad, & believe me i do promise to myself that if i found someone that would be willing to live with me & love truly, got married & have kids, i'm not gonna do what my parents do, which is in this case is mostly from case 1 to 3, u will understand once u grew up & not a kid anymore that many thing that parents like to underestimated sometimes can be what really matter in terms how ur kids character grew up
I'd like to mention that maybe it isn't the parents, but like in my case, the friends in one's life. Friends are also a source of love and are highly influential in childhood, too, as they're more likely to be your peers and the closest that one can relate to, age wise. (Or not, who knows). For me, I'm negatively influenced by my high standard mother/controller mother (who didn't feel safe nor was she actually safe with her childhood scene) So I'm a people pleaser. And that was who I was as a child, so I tried to be a people pleaser with my friends. Who were toxic af, and also f***ed me up. With a mother who had high standards, I thought bringing up my struggle with my "friends" and the emotions I didn't understand, I dealt with it on my own. So I'm also a distancer, now. It's also hard to spot when a naturally quiet kid is quiet cuz they're sad, stressed, and confused so I don't blame my mom for not noticing my friendship struggle sooner. So yeah, friends can be a major influence on this too, not just parents :D
I hear you, but psychology has found the first few formative years, devoid of external entities is when the damage is done, even in the womb. An emotionally healthy parent is one of the best determinates of adult success.
@Not even a side character you are not the things that happen.to you, literally concentrating on the negative aspects only perpetuates their hold. Work on your self worth I suggest counseling/psychotherapy, or self-help books anything to give yourself the chance at life you deserve that every child has.
Yup mother with high standards is how I became a people not to mention my dad IS a people pleaser left only a master at people pleasing I kept the peace between them so I could have peace at home and with my ex I became controlling which is why I had to take a long break unearth my issues and haul them out of the ground and change the mold in my mind and my heart I am becoming a new person and it took 10 years to bear fruit but it has taken a lot of energy and a lot of time looking at what is ugly... and broken and the person left is a bit chipped and dented but I will eventually get out of this... and change
I am the avoider. When I was a kid, I do believe that my parents used to take care of me, until my brother came. After his birth most of their affection and attention was showered over him. My parents and family was all over him. My parents loves me and I know that but sometimes without even realizing they pushed me away which made me grow up as a self-dependable person. As a kid I never said my small complaints to them. I never talked with them affectionately. Now showing a little amount of affection to someone is highly awkard for me. I avoid love and care just to protect myself. Hence, I am often seen as cold, rude and insensitive person :)
ur parent didnt deserve to have more than 1 child. seriously no child should ever felt this.and this affect the child till the child become adult. i hope ur in a better place now.
Couldn’t have said it better. I experienced the same thing with my little sister. They wouldn’t congratulate me on my exams so my sister wouldnt get jealous. They wouldnt take me shopping unless my sister came with but theyd always take her shopping without me. If I wanted to talk with my mom, I could only do it after she helped my sister with her homework, spent time with her and after she spent time with my dad. She wasn’t even young when I left home for college. She was in highschool. People always say that the second child is the most neglected but they forget considering the older kid’s emotions
The avoider fits me perfectly. Lately in my life i noticed that my parents never comforted me or showed me affection. I always wondered why i was kinda grossed out by, for example my classmates, who were hugging and telling eachother how they love eachother and how they feel,, i didnt understand it. I always had to deal with my emotions by myself because my parents arent able to comfort me even if they want to (so i dont blame them cuz they have their own issues) and realising all this, for the last few years ive tried my best to share my feelings more. I can talk about my feeling with my friends now, though its still hard to be affectionate, even when i want to, just cuz i find it emabarassing and just weird. Anyways being like this can suck and push some people away from you, so to those who relate, i really recommend to open up to some close people. Its normal and it will help you, even tho it feels weird for sure.
It’s been 4 months my friend is the definition of avoider. closed off doesn’t like affection snaps easily doesn’t like being coddled pushes me away when I get to close. I don’t know how long I can do this
@@trustme7660 have you talked to them about it? Tho it can be hard to find a time where they'd wanna talk about it, u need to find the right time and tell them that it's important and that it bothers you. Even people like this should give a listen to your feelings and consider them, tho if they dont, it might be better for you to cut them off if you're just not comfortable with your current situation. Anyways, you should ask them to at least try. Let the know that it's something you need from a friend. They should consider it and take small steps. If they don't, i feel like there's not much i can help u with to get through to them, since i don't know them. They might even have other reasons for being like that, who knows. Anyways sorry i'm not much of help. This comes from a perspective of someone who is trying to change and so if they're not acknowledging their behavior as an issue, unless they start to, i'm not sure what to do. But if it gets difficult for you, you should really take at least a break from them, ik it can be hard with that kind of person. So, communication is key and i wish you luck with figuring all this out.
@@patolizac23 theres small moments where I can get to her but then she just closes herself off again it’s in those moments she tells me small things about herself.
I can relate too, but I urge you to avoid the mindset of ‘they had their own issues’, cause that ideology can be harmful in the long run. It’s how I’ve often felt about my own situation. ‘It’s fine, they have it bad too’ ‘they must have had it worse’, etc. it doesn’t have to be as far as hating or being overtly angry at them, but it’s the adult’s job to look after the child. I have to remind myself all the time of that fact.
@@dire1031 yeah i get that, but thats all i can do now, ive tried to talk to them many times, even crying and everything but theyre just unable to have an emotional connection with me. Im 18 in a month so its easier to just go on from here, grow myslef, cuz im sure id take them long to be able to be good enough. Im gonna move out soon anyways but i totally get what youre sayng. Its just kinda too late for me to worry about it i think.
Getting ignored is the worst for me. Then again, I learned early that I have to be the strong person to look out for myself. I learned to depend on myself and that I have to do everything on my own if I want or need something. I think that's why when I am in a relationship I start to depend on them fast and feel rejected when we had a fight and they need some cool down time for themselves, mostly giving me the cold shoulder for a bit. I am scared that they don't need or want me anymore. I feel that I have learned to depend only on myself but deep down don't like that it has to be that way and would like it to be different. I grew up with alcoholic parents, so I know where all of this comes from.
@@chidzhustle3570 Yeah, I can get behind that. I really see myself represented in the avoider the most, but there were some points in the vascillator, the pleaser and the victim I also recognized in myself. In my case, my parents were either not there for me or if they were "sober", my father was a push-over and my mother very dominant and critical. I personally think that I cannot 100% put this in 1 certain box, it's more nuanced like that. But for a first analysis, I would go with the avoider.
I feel exactly the same my mom was alcoholic and used to hit me every day and my father left when I was born. My mom forgot so much cuz of the alcohol that she always framed me for stuff i didn’t do. Kind of like gaslighting
@@lilith1992 ahhh lol ty, I totally relate, and I’d say the same. It leads to you as an adult hyper focus on being independent and never having to rely on anyone. Like for me I plan on moving out of home ASAP and being my own independent person, detaching from family, etc.. so I’d say avoidant for sure, but sparkles of the vasc and victim once in a while
Me too. I am highly reliant on others and thankful for them but I that at the end of the day I have to take care of me and that I am the only one that will, because people are reliable and will/can or always have the ability to fail you. I learned this at 17/18 when my parents tried to place me in a homeless shelter. I knew that I couldn't ever rely on someone again if I could've rely on the people who raised me and were supposed to unconditionally love me. That would abandon me for making a simple mistake (I went to my friends house for a get together- my dad came and forced me to come out early. He said he was coming in to grab me if I didn't come out and I was scared so foolishly I did not realizing I was legally an adult and he wouldn't be able to come in if we didn't let him- it would be breaking and entering/unlawful. Locking the door would've been smart and the better alternative would've been waiting until the morning to go home..I definitely would have still been in trouble, but maybe not as much. When they found out I had been drinking they dropped me off at an ER and tried to have me admitted for intoxication/tried to have me placed.....even though they had drank underage too when they were younger/my age, and admitted that to me. They have extreme reactions. When my friends have done similar they were reprimanded by their parents and grounded...like normal people. I never had a drinking problem and I didn't realize experimenting is so demonized. I thought it was a normal part of life. My parents have a glass of wine every single night at dinner but tell me that people go to bars and don't get drunk. Why lie to me, make me to be naive??)
I'm a little skeptical of the idea that these are "the" five styles of loving others, when they're all coping mechanisms for past trauma. But I suppose it's like Tolstoy said in _Anna Karenina_: "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."
Yes these are the five styles for people who experienced trauma. It will be completely different for those who did not have any or little trauma in their childhood.
These are the 5 different love styles that are / often / determined by the negative aspects of one's childhood in regards to the parents they had or lacked. Meaning there can be a ton of different combinations/additions/subtractions because no one is the same and no family dynamic is the same, however neurologically we all work and develop relatively the same (I assume there are exceptions such as neurodiverse people, etc).
Yep this video is likely very wrong, there is not a single source. And the words used feel too strong (like when they say you are determined by your family environment)
As someone who is pleaser this is really accurate I tend to try to avoid conflict and make my partner happy even if that means lying. Growing up I was the mature kid I'm the oldest of four and my parents always expected me to set a good example for my younger sisters my mother had mental health issues so it was hard for her to take care of the kids while my dad was at work so I did it and I end up becoming a very motherly person be I tend to smother and annoy people with how affection I can be and how i can make the relationship feel one sided because I don't like receiving things back I just want to take care of them which has caused a lot of problems in my relationships
I really wasn't expecting to relate to the victim as much as I did, I feel like I related to a lot of the different love styles but there were things that the last one fit scarily well, I'm the eldest of 3 other siblings and have anxiety and depression, I often get stuck in my head/imagination and struggle being present. My parents don't fight but I have a very hectic house with three younger siblings, so I'm often the one to care for myself or help my younger siblings because we have a bigger family. It was nice to see what I'm experiencing is something other people sometimes struggle with too, even if its different for each person, it's interesting to see how childhood can affect adulthood.
Same. All of the fit but the last was a to perfect for me. So many bad relationships of that filler type trying to dictate my life. Thankfully I had enough self awareness to see that pit but it’s still hard to avoid those relationships.
i’m definitely a pleaser.. everyone points it out, they are like “you always seem too make me happy” that’s because i always get anxious if i hurt people also i have the victim love style just because i have depression my family wasn’t rude or anything
I’m… basically like that as well but due to a lot of stress I witnessed first hand which that I often figured came from my emotions, I basically intentionally try to detach myself from feeling emotions during a point of my childhood and have somewhat permanently left a mark where I wouldn’t be able to display my emotions as clearly as others today and other times and such.
