I’m Racially Mixed and Struggle With Identity 

I hate the whole "you aren't a real' insert race here' if you can't do this!". Just let me be me!

Jesus bring this sister back to you so that she can learn her true identity, which is a beautiful human who bares your image everywhere she goes.

Omg Mary if you read this I wish I could give you a big fat hug. I’m Puerto Rican and my parents only spoke Spanish in our household when they didn’t want us to know they were fighting about money. I can relate to how people treat you. I’ve come to terms with it at 28 and I’m just proud of the person I am, but I know exactly how it felt at the time.

I am Latina, both of my parents are from the DR though so when people look at me, they expect me to speak Spanish, bring out the platanos and start salsa dancing 💃🏽 but deep down I’m about as American as American can get… so I completely understand what she means when people look at you, automatically make assumptions, and call you a traitor for not fitting their perceived stereotype. People can be ignorant making assumptions about you without even knowing the first thing about your story or how you was raised 🤦🏽‍♀️ I purposely make it a point to blatantly ignore these people.

Identify as HUMAN LIFE and you’ll FOREVER be purposeful!

I get yelled at for not speaking Spanish by random old ppl and I’m Native American 😂 I just walk away it’s not worth the fight 😅

Im white and my husband is Mexican. Our kids get grief all the time from Mexican people about being too white. They don't care. It doesn't bother them. Becaise my hisband and I call it out as the racism it is. Always ignore racist people.

I understand this woman, I'm fully mexican but I don't identify myself with my own culture, there's so many things I was never on board with and because of that I suffered a lot of isolation. Stay true to yourself and who you really are 💕 Don't cut yourself in order to fit in in others boxes.

I wish as an adoptive parent that maybe he would have touched on the fact that her adoptive parents wanted her and loved her. I have two adopted kids through the foster care system. If someone in the bio parents family would have taken my kids they would have been exposed to a lot of drugs, neglect, abuse. It took alot for my kids bio mom to decide they were worth enough to not have that life for them and chose a better start from birth.

I get you Mary. I am of Mexican, Spanish, Native American and Irish descent. I don’t speak fluent Spanish. When I worked at a bank I got grief all the time. I feel you. You are not alone. Also, how people treat you is not a reflection on you, but a reflection on them ❤

I hope Mary can find peace and realize that rejection was God's blessing. She herself said that her maternal family weren't good people. I think it's time to move on from the fantasy and thank her lucky stars she was raised by the people who actually wanted her. I also say this as a bi-racial person who learned about both my cultures by seeking out information on my own. Sometimes that's just how it is.

Mary, I have personally witnessed some Vietnamese and some Hispanic criticize Vietnamese American or Hispanic American for not being able to speak their mom’s language. I can tell you the common thing about those haters: THEY LIVE IN THE US BUT BARELY SPEAK ENGLISH!!!!!! They always have to rely on THE HELP of bilingual American. Their nasty attitude said everything about them and NOT YOU! If you can’t let it roll off your shoulder, it would be best. But if you must say something, don’t have to defend yourself. At least u don’t have to rely on anyone to function in the US. Many of my family members have to rely on bilingual speakers. But they think that’s their privilege to have help. They never think any American is expected to speak any language other than English

Thank you Dr. John by rationalizing it and not making it a racial thing. It’s not all Mexicans that are like that just your family Mary. Also remember a lot of older generations everywhere did not even look after their mental health and have a lot of trauma stored inside. As a 100 percent Mexican I can say that the Mexican culture is so different, unique, and location based. Unless you are living in Mexico and living within the traditions you’ll never really feel like you “fit in”. Also who needs to fit in anywhere when you can stand out!! I have a mixed 3 year old daughter and I pray she never feels like how you feel. I will teach her to be herself no matter how white or Mexican she might be. Remember people you will never feel like you belong if you do not accept yourself first.

My heritage is similar (white mom, Mexican dad). Even though I grew up with my family, I also have never felt like I quite "fit in" with others of Mexican descent. I didn't experience "the chancla", I didn't have a quinceañera, I didn't even learn (much) Spanish from my grandparents. They actually chose to assimilate and didn't teach their own kids much Spanish. Caller, I empathize with you in that regard. On top of the feeling that you don't fit into your culture, you also have the added strife of being adopted and therefore even further removed from the culture. Just keep in mind that your life isn't "wrong" just because you don't fit the mold. You could still feel this way even if you weren't adopted, just like I did. As they say, comparison is the thief of joy. Your life is your own, you can choose to learn and relate to your heritage as much as you want, and you can start any time.

Very well said. I think everyone can benefit from the advice to be cautious about who gets to be in your circle.

Me no speakee spanitch & I DO NOT CARE what anyone thinks. 100% ethnic but 100% Cali kid🇺🇸

Both my parents are Cambodian. I couldn’t speak the language. Other than meeting a few here and there I never knew any other Cambodian people my whole life. I went and lived in Cambodia to do humanitarian work after I graduated from high school. I got so much crap for not knowing how to speak the language even though I learned it while I was there. There were always people who judged me for not speaking right, not looking right, etc. I agree with John. You have to drop the expectations. It is what it is. You can’t waste your time trying to meet someone else’s standard of what they think you’re supposed to be.

Learn to love yourself Mary. I don't claim to understand the racial aspect since it isn't part of my story. It is heart breaking to hear the family in Mexico really rejected your Bio mom. But the people that raised you are your Mom and Dad. They love you! And that is what matters.

Heartbreaking 💔 Keep up the great work! The amount of nuanced situations you are covering is creating quite the impressive video catalogue.

Mary you can be “mi hermana”. I’m Mexican. I really want to give you a BIG HUG

This show is amazing. Great work!

I’m so glad Dr. Delony brought up the fact that Mexicans were not allowed to speak Spanish at school (throughout the southwest). This has caused lots of identity issues for Mexican Americans. I don’t understand why Mary isn’t mad at her father, she can’t even find him. Where’s the anger towards him? This call is a good example about what happens to children of color who are raised by white parents. They aren’t able to nurture their cultural identity. And when they are adults, they start having these identity issues. Really sad. Why isn’t she mad at her adoptive parents for not nurturing her culture? They have some fault here too.

It’s awesome being something people expect! You get to blow their minds when you do something they don’t expect later! I’ve had so many native Spanish speakers talk crap around me , but what they don’t know is I’m mixed of two unrelated races raised by partly by Mexicans. Needless to say I am very nearly trilingual. It totally disarms ignorant people when I repeat what they say back to them in English after they just spoke Spanish (behind my back) and ask them if they understand my insult I just spoke to them in German. Lmao!! I am also proudly the mother of two half of my own “Mixican” babies. I’ll bet you look as wonderful as they do! BTW -Apparently I am not the only one this kind of situation has happened too. I heard of a German mixed boy who’s parents abandoned him in Korea when he was 5. He speaks German, English and Korean. Point is, the world is way too big of a place to let small minded people run you or your life. You keep looking long enough and you’ll find friends and love! Don’t give up Mary!

I am the same age as the caller. I am also mixed-Anglo Mother and Mexican Father from Mexico. Since my Dad was working all the time he was only with my Mother & I on the weekends. Consequently I grew up mostly with my Mother speaking to me in English. Mothers tend to speak to their children in their native tongue so it is only natural English would be my dominant language. However when I was very young I did have speech issues and the teachers thought I was confused with my Dad speaking to me in Spanish on the weekends when he was with us. Teachers were alarmed and recommended I take speech therapy classes. My Mother took me to a speech therapist when I was 6 or 7 years old. I had to read every night. Consequently reading & writing became my strength. But unfortunately I could never speak Spanish with the same fluency as I speak English. I had to deal with the same stupid looks from Spanish speakers including some from my Dad's side of the family when visiting in Mexico City. People are ignorant because, just like this caller mentioned, they don't want to take the time to understand the WHY. They don't care to understand MY STORY. They only react critically without digging deeper. It's not my fault I don't have the same fluency with Spanish as English. Blame my Dad for making the decision to have two separate lives: one in Mexico City where his office was headquartered and one in Dallas with my Mother & I. Families should be together. I wish I could have seen my Dad everyday after school just like the kids I went to school with & my friends got to see their Dad's everyday. I couldn't. Therefore I could not and did not develop fully bilingual abilities. But I am also going to take a bit of a detour on this discussion. There is another aspect to it here among Mexican-Americans in the U.S. I probably faced more scrutiny as a child from Mexican Americans or Chicanos than I did white people. To them I was either not "Mexican" enough or I was considered a traitor for not speaking Spanish. The funny thing is their version of Spanish was not even proper Spanish like my Dad's family speaks in Mexico City. They speak some tex-mex version that is not correct Spanish. My Dad always told me to stay away from Chicanos because they have a distorted idea of what Mexican is. He didn't want me to associate with them at school because he was worried I would be stereotyped as being one of them. There is definitely a class structure even within Mexican society. That's another ripple in this discussion. Typically more affluent Mexicans don't associate with the lower classes. And in my Dad's eyes, being a very proud Mexican from a more affluent family in Mexico City, he regarded Chicanos as being descended from Mexican immigrants of much lower class. My Dad passed away 2 years ago at the age of 90. During the final years of his life I had to speak with him as much as I could in Spanish because he had a stroke 15 years earlier. He lost his ability to speak English since it was a second language to him. He could only remember his native language after the stroke. I felt more or less comfortable speaking Spanish with him. We had very simple conversations. He spoke slowly so it wasn't like some people who speak really fast. I have problems understanding sometimes when people speak fast and I can't be quick on my feet to respond in Spanish. The last thing I will say is there are common expressions we use as Americans that come naturally to us since we grew up with them. There are also common expressions in Mexico that are common to people who grow up in Mexico. Part of the struggle is unless you grow up in that culture the little idiosyncrasies that are second nature in speaking a language can never be fully developed. I was not fully immersed in that culture so there are things in Spanish that don't make sense to me just like I am sure the American expressions so common to me make no sense to Mexicans. I feel angry at times for being in this situation, for being awkward during encounters when strangers on the street or other places in public speak to me in Spanish and I can't respond as quickly as I could in English since Spanish is not entirely natural to me as English is. I can't help but feel anger towards my Dad for creating that circumstance for me during the first few years of my life when language development is most crucial. I COULD HAVE BEEN fully bilingual. But I just didn't have enough CONSISTENT exposure to Spanish everyday which would have made that possible because of the choice my Dad made of having us in two different places. And of course I also feel angry against all Mexicans who judge me critically for not speaking Spanish without first taking the time to HEAR AND TRULY UNDERSTAND MY STORY.

I am also mixed, but only 12%. I carry the Spanish last name, and even sinc childhood I have been treated with hate. I am blonde with blue eyes & have received the most hateful comments about not meeting their image of what someone with my name should look like. The hispanic culture can be toxic, especially in terms of masculinity. I am American, & have learned to laugh at those people, we are the melting pot, my family came here for a reason, their home country was corrupt, we are now loyal to this country, God bless 🇺🇲🙏🗽

Being Hispanic, none of my neighbor kids were taught Spanish. I)ve never felt inadequate because of this. To be honest, I never related to the Mexican culture. It’s just how I grew up. This cultural pride thing can go to extremes. I worked as a Registration clerk in an emergency room. A child was brought in with a broken arm. He was taken in by a nurse but I needed to get information. The father woukd not speak to me. When I asked his daughter what was wrong, she told me he would not answer anything until I spoke to him in his language.

Dr Delony i have new respect for you for speaking Spanish 😆 I will be your first student when you start teaching Spanish on RU-vid! 🤓

Were your adoptive parents great to you? If so that's all that matters. If you were raised in a loving home, that's better then a lot of people.

Same here. I’m Ute Native/ Hispanic. Look Hispanic 2% but I’m native like 98%. Don’t speak Spanish but look and have Pena as a last name. Raised by white people in foster home for 12 years.

Title ...Nice save

I 100% understand her. My family is Mexican, but born and raised in Houston, TX. In my house, I would more often speak english. When I would talk to Spanish speaking people, they would most often comment and say, "Te crees muy cringa o muy Americana." (You think your too white or American?) just because of my accent. Like seriously?! It's not my fault I look hispanic, and my parents never taught me when I was younger. Just like her, I felt the need to tell them in their face, but I have learned that it's not worth it...they'll still think you're a wannabe cringa with a nopal on your forehead.

Maybe they couldn’t take you in. You may very well want to take someone in but simply incapacitated to do so.

I'm Hispanic and adopted from central America and my adoptive parents are white and I'll tell you something - I'll never look back to anything or anyone from south of the border. I want nothing to do with them. All my friends are white and life is pretty good. The whites have been the greatest to me. Grew up around German Americans in a beautiful neighborhood and they were the nicest most down to earth and cleanest people in the world. No crime, no problems, no headaches. I don't speak Spanish and never will. If a Hispanic looks down on me that's 100% completely fine with me. I would consider that a badge of honor because I'm college educated, got a great high paying job, speak perfect English, and have an amazing life. I won't trade that for the world. I'm so grateful to my adoptive parents. My life could have been so much worse and guess whose fault that would have been? Hispanics, not whites. I'm so blessed and will never look back.

This is what social media has done to society.

How does she know how they feel about her if she can't understand them? You can't just go through life assuming that everyone is judging you, cos regardless of whether or not they are, you're setting yourself up to be miserable and paranoid your entire life.

I remember saying I would never marry interracial simply because I didn’t want biracial children. The only reason I say this is because I saw so much trauma and identity issues among biracial kids. That’s literally the only reason. Of course, it was just a thought and if I found love outside of my race, I probably would let it happen, but yea we already have enough racial issues in America. I didn’t want to have to add something on top of it .

47 = young??? What?!??

Racial issues need therapists who have personal experience. Thank you Dr John for not overstepping that boundary. I think it's NECESSARY to have racial support from people with firsthand understanding. While I *understand* love yourself and keep a good circle is relatable for everybody, I really think it's important to gain an understanding of personal family culture FROM that culture. The advice is incomplete. Mary; you ARE Mexican, and the REALITY that it causes social issues people of other racial identities might not face is real. Can't remove race from the trauma, Dr John.

I don't think it's fair that she is mad at her moms family for not taking her in. It wasn't their obligation to do so. She should only be angry at her mom and her dad who's responsibility it was to care for her. It doesn't matter how many family members someone has, it's none of their jobs to step up if they don't want to or can't. Inter family adoption can also be really tricky because it's common for the bio parent to try to step back into the parental role when they feel like it and dismiss the adoptive parents, and a lot of people don't want to deal with that. It seems like her dad's family also didn't step up to take her in so why does she only hold that resentment towards her mexican side?

I wonder how it was like growing up around and interacting with white people now. Do they treat her fine? Also, is there any reason why her adoptive family didn't try to help her learn anything about her Mexican culture. We're close to the same age, and where I live we have Spanish classes in middle school, high school, and college. Not blaming them. I just wonder.

I thought only biracial B/W people only had this issue.

Why does your race have to be the most important thing to your identity? This era of identity politics is so banal

Sounds like she is making the case that the people on "that side of town" are bigots.

The fact that she called a white man to ask this shows how confused she really is

Don’t identify yourself by the pigment of your skin. That is a sad waste of life. I am sure you have been forced into by being pushed down or oppressed but it’s all nonsense. It’s like saying we might as well be proud to have lungs. we didn’t accomplish nothing. We were just born somewhere different or born with different skin color or born with certain sexual preferences. These things are so unimportant in life and means very little. God is what is important. Identify with him and being a human being. That’s what he wants.

Wow nice call female.

Yet another reason why there shouldn't be any race-mixing and the races should be separate, especially the Black race.

Listen to Eugene Brooks on this subject