My Son Wants Nothing to Do With His Dad’s Family

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My Son Wants Nothing to Do With His Dad’s Family
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8 сен 2024

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Комментарии : 45

@EmpressMermaid Год назад

Holidays are naturally chaotic times. These are not good occasions to get to know someone. If the family truly wanted to connect with the kid they should have had him over at a quiet, calmer time to truly talk and know him. Otherwise he's a holiday space-filler.

@KS-cl8br Год назад

It is his choice don't force him.

@bkucenski Год назад

If the bio-family on the dad's side want a relationship, they need to connect on social media and create actual relationships. He's not a holiday prop.

@sensimania Год назад

Good idea! Communicate with him in a way he is comfortable/familiar with, and let the relationship build over time.

@sensimania Год назад

I was in a similar situation as her son (except I'm not a child). I was the "outside" child. My dad left shortly after my mum had me, and eventually had a family with another woman. As a child, I did visit him (almost) every Sunday, and his wife was very welcoming, but I still felt like the outside child. Growing up, we didn't have much of a relationship, and I was never invited to any special occasions or milestone events by his side of the family (aunts, uncles, cousins) even though they were aware of me and met me a few times. I also tried having a relationship with my siblings on his side, but (although friendly and cordial) they didn't really make the effort of keeping in touch. He passed away when I was 35, and I chose not to attend the funeral due to our complicated relationship. 4yrs after his passing, my mum also passed away. That's when some members of his side of his family (aunties and cousins) started reaching out to me. They obtained my number from one of my siblings (his daughter) and and started texting me. So I participated in the texting. But then they started inviting me to family dinners, birthdays and BBQs. The thought of that made me quite uncomfortable. I know them, but I don't really know them (if that makes sense). And, as an introvert, I have no interest in attending their social events and making idle chit chat with a bunch of people I barely know (fake smiles and all). So I just told them that I'm not a very sociable person (even though they kept saying "it'll be nice to see you there") It might've been different if they welcomed me with those invites during the first 35yrs of my life, because then I'd know them. But they didn't. I'm not bitter about it, and I don't think it's their fault that I wasn't at the forefront of their minds for the past 3 decades, but now.... it is what it is 🤷🏽‍♀️. I'm cool with the random text message exchange for now, but I don't think I'll ever be interested in anything more than that.

@MyName123. Год назад

did you ever consider that they were highly uncomfortable with your parents for some reason, but loved you? that when your parents passed, it was finally their open opportunity to lovingly welcome you into their lives like they always wanted, but couldn't because they were held back by your parents somehow? Consider it from their point of view. If they are inviting you, then be grateful they're trying to express their love for you, and go to all their events they invite to. Consider yourself blessed. I know it feels awkward, but the more you go, the more comfortable you will eventually feel. You will be glad. (God encourages us to maintain all our blood ties of kinship if we want heaven. Satan tells us to sinfully cut these ties so we get hell.)

@debbieanderson6740 Год назад

I appreciate Johns explaining on how a teens mind works. Finding their sense of self. And for the mother to honor the wishes of her son. And how to explain to the other family of why they won't be there for the holidays. What a hard thing to navigate for everyone.

@chrysiarose Год назад

It's such a shame to lose anyone to suicide; it affects everyone regardless of age and connection.

@kayjeffs3741 Год назад

I wouldn't force it...I would let my son make his own decision on that on.

@joeriveracomedy Год назад

I had an a uncle who died young and his son was a baby. My cousin rolls his eyes every time family says he looks like his dad.

@johniii8147 Год назад

Let him make his own choice on this issue. He never he knew his bio father and has a real father now. Biology is often way overrated on who your real family turns out to be.

@furryplantsandcoins9070 Год назад

About her son when his father's parents say that's the same way his dad was. That's where they should have been taking him and spending time with him and just talking about how his dad was. The good memories they had with him. The funny stories. She said that there was no connection. The connection would be those stories pictures of him when he was younger. Homemade movies that they did if they did any. He needs something tangible which would be those things. Things he did in art class, baseball, school pictures...

@kellharris2491 Год назад

His Dad who abandoned him at the age of one and then who killed himself at the age of 5? The person who raised him all his life is his Dad. Why should he have to walk around caring so much about the man and his family who don't really want him? He is not a prop foe their grief. He is his own person.

@J-luna Год назад

Dr. John laugh is in infectious.

@kodiekulp Год назад

Man. My father never forgave me for having problems with drugs in my younger life. I tried and tried to have a relationship with him. And he wouldn't do it. He would however get drunk and Text me to tell me how much I was a disappointment to him and other kind words. I never stopped trying though. My mom supported this decision even though she had a lot of anger at this man and for good reason. She wanted my father to be in my life no matter the good or bad that he did to her. He died about three years ago . We're talking about a man that I saw once in ten years at the end of his life. And we already talked about the texts. His funeral was a state away with family members on his side that I hadn't spoken with in even longer than him. And that wasn't without me trying. I tried to mend this relationship for years and years with everyone. He cheated on my mom the entire time they were together... And lied about it. I found postcards in this house while staying in his house one Summer from his new wife from like 84. In 84 I was 4 years old in Long Island with my mom who he was still married too. Lied about it too. Evidence in front of his face and lied. This was the same man who told me throughout my childhood that, "you lie when the truth would do you better". I chose not to go to his funeral. I didn't want to be that emotionally vulnerable in front of a bunch of people that I hadn't spoken to and so long, even if they were technically family I wondered for a bit if that was the right decision but now I know it was. I went up there on my own time and said my goodbyes to him myself at his sight. I think it's important if someone wants to try mend a relationship in a family. But they should also prepare themselves bad results. And they should be careful too because sometimes families will have animosity against one another and pit family members against other family. On both sides or just one side too. I'm writing this all before I even listened to the call because yeah.

@kellharris2491 Год назад

Family is the people that love you and want to be in your life. Blood or not. He sounds like the disappointing one.

@kodiekulp Год назад

@@kellharris2491 indeed. I've found my family. and my mom is still here. It just upset me hearing this call. Brought back some feels.

@jarviswonmainevent Год назад

One of Dr John’s best calls in my opinion. There will come a point in his life when he wants to connect with his heritage. So preserving those relationships while he’s goes through the teenage years is the best path forward.

@joeriveracomedy Год назад

I'm 40 and I could give 2 ducks what my parents' family is up to. Hopefully he is stong-willed and independent. His wallet and stress threshold will thank him.

@kellharris2491 Год назад

Mom shouldn't have to push for these strangers to work harder to be in her sons life. He shouldn't have to be disappointed at their back and forth interest. He is his own person. Family isn't blood. It's between the people that want to be in your life.

@joeriveracomedy Год назад

@@kellharris2491 Sage.

@louisep4805 Год назад

Great advice Dr John for a very tricky situation.

@thijsjong Год назад

He does not know these people. The will to get in touch must come from him. Keep photo albims and a video archive of his bio dad. So he has something when and if he becomes interested.

@Matt-cr4vv Год назад

Hard to not feel their desire for the son is to fill the gap they feel for their son with all the comments of how he’s like his dad. Tough situation

@tammyschilling5362 Год назад

I would like to have heard whether the family was generally pleasant, kind people, as well as what a visit would entail. Would I make a 14 year old get on a plane and spend a week with people when he didn't want to? No. Would I make him go to their house for an hour or two, assuming they were decent people? Yeah, I probably would. If the holiday was particularly fraught, I might put it off for a non-holiday time...but if they are decent people I would be very reluctant to allow him to cut off all contact. It's just not a good way to treat people, nor is it in his long term interest.

@carolbrasket7119 Год назад

I live on social security, I didn't plan for this, struggling everyday because I didn't plan

@xhaltsalute Год назад

Perhaps extended family interactions could be scheduled for summer to take some of the extended family's emotions out of it. Christmas is so emotionally loaded.

@jonquindiagan682 Год назад

Thank you for sharing this. Keep up the good work!

@kellharris2491 Год назад

Your son is a person with his own feelings and own personhood. Even at such a young age his own feelings do matter. Why should your son have to chase after their affection?

@BIGEAGLEDUDE Год назад

Honestly it sounds to me like they're the type of people they just want him around for yearly advance for not like all together. I mean let's be real here the father dipped when the baby was one and then meeting your dad for the first time at his funeral. And then the man that raised you has been in your life since you were eighteen months to two years old. And the family didn't start coming into your life until you were five years old and probably see you several times a year and then they just stopped and now they want come back into your life when you're a teenager. It sounds to me like they want him to be the emotional support animal when it comes to how to deal with her son's loss. In addition and I don't think people have talked about this but he keep saying within five years he's going to be honored to be this man's son when in reality he really wants nothing to do with that man or his family he just wants them to leave him alone. And to be honest his mother needs to respect his wishes because this going to be a moment where they're going to force a relationship on him and it's going to get to a point where he's just going to go off on them and say the worst things to them. And that's where their relationship will really come to an end. My advice to the mother continued to raise your son tell the father's family to give your son space and respect his boundaries or you need to do whatever it takes to make sure they don't try to force anything that he doesn't want to. Not to mention you need to get your husband involved and tell him a these guys are trying to basically use our son for they're coping and it's time for us to step in and protect him

@Matt-cr4vv Год назад

Don’t force him but give him the freedom to make his choice. I’m not the same but I’m adopted and as it concerned my bio family my parents openly communicated that when I was older if I wanted to explore getting to know them. I’m now 29 and I’ve never had that desire but always was thankful that if I’d wanted it I could’ve had it. I learned of who the family was when I was 28 through 23 and me and my ip uncle reached out to me if I wanted to learn things. I told him that I was in a busy stage of life and wasn’t interested at that time but I’d reach out if I was and he respected that. And because of that I’m very thankful. I don’t think I’ll ever eeek it out because my family is my family for me. But im it sure how I’d feel if I’d been forced not to or to meet them. Giving them the freedom is a great thing from my view

@joane.3533 Год назад

@5:55 what a cool mom!

@furryplantsandcoins9070 Год назад

I don't think it's about just honoring his dead father when they make those comments. It's trying to find a way to connect him to them. To his father! Those are strong connections those are tangible! Yeah he doesn't know them He doesn't know his father. What better way to connect him to his father is to make those kind of comments. It's not to put the child down it's trying to connect him. And they definitely don't mean anything bad about it. That's the only way they know how to connect at the moment. And I don't think it's to honor the Dad.

@kellharris2491 Год назад

Omg. His Father abandoned him at one. And then choose to leave at 5. He has a real Father that has actually been their for him. He is 13 and is done trying to mourn and feel sad for a man who choose not to even know him. His so called family only want him as a prop for Christmas. He is his own person.

@mle011 Год назад

The son may honestly be offended his bio-grandparents are making those comparisons. His bio dad was a deadbeat who chose to abandon his son & the mother of his child. Who would want to be compared to someone of such low character??

@jameskniskern2261 Год назад

"He still has to go to school and make his bed, right?" Unless he is Canadian and addicted to Fortnite! --Haha

@catchdashade8929 Год назад

It’s best not to approach this with demand , if he doesn’t want to that’s his choice . Forcing him to be around people he doesn’t want to be around can have severe repercussions on his mental health and gives the wrong impression of having a healthy circle . On relatable terms it does affect you, I would come after my mom and dad separated for holidays . I didn’t for about over a year or so about the age of 14-15. But when I did it was all joyous happy to see ya talk. Under circumstances I decided to move back to my dad to be closer . Not a good choice for the most part . Slowly over the years I went into a downward spiral mentally emotionally. I didn’t know who I was or wanted to be didn’t have a image for myself. Started hanging around people who took me away from what could progress my success in life . Always wanting a good time which for every teenager is completely normal, eventually it felt like a hassle to keep with and then it became a “ I’m only here bc I have no other friends “ . Moral of all this . Help establish your son his path and Embrace how he feels about his personal thoughts and feelings

@catchdashade8929 Год назад

Really I was baited into going back but we learn lessons from mistakes not from getting it right the first time

@24collin24Collin Год назад

Fort Wayne has the biggest music store in the world lol Sweetwater

@offthetrail636 Год назад

Kids 13. Dad died when kid was 4. She’s been married for 10 years. Hmm. I wonder who’s to blame for her Sons Dads death?? Sounds like she made his life difficult to see the kid due to the new husband and the father took his life

@chedgracela Год назад

6:39 My son is 12 now and has not shown any signs of his dad’s suicide affecting him from the inside out. How do I prepare the family for that? I also have a daughter who is 14 and she hasn’t shown any signs either. So how do I recognize it and how do I love my kids through it?

@AaAa-ri4uf Год назад

People like the extended family sound very narcissistic

@ruben-Juarez Год назад

This whole conversation is stupid. He makes no sense, and I don’t agree with most of what he’s saying. If he tosses them aside now, they will toss him aside later, and he will be regretted it. The best for him is to tell him to spend a couple of hours there and they’ll pick him up afterwards.