I Lost My Dream | Adapting to Life with Mental Illness 

I started as a busser and worked my way up to line cook for 3 restaurants before schizophrenia derailed me. My girlfriend and dog are still with me but we moved back in with family and life is a lot different now. As of now I don't think I can work and I feel bad about it but I'm trying to find new meaning

I don’t know if mental illness per say has taken dreams away from me yet, but rather has prevented me from having dreams at all. I think for me, my low-ish self-esteem has been the primary inhibitor in stopping me from dreaming, in persuading me to believe that I just simply don’t deserve to dream. It’s painful, but I guess for now my “dream” is that one day I will feel brave enough to dream at all… that I will stop letting the mean thoughts in my mind berate me into living a passive and dreamless life.

Your insight is AMAZING. Kids with birth defects need help, but so do people with mental illness. If "never give up on YOUR dream" isn't realistic, "never give up on reaching A dream" is doable. You've proven that there is hope, and that's often the first thing someone loses when coming to terms with a diagnosis. Thank you for that!

I had the dream of graduating college, but my mental illness has kept me from doing so. I have dropped out of school twice because of breakdowns that I strongly suspect were because of my bipolar (I was undiagnosed at the time). Lately, my dream has been to go back to school to make myself proud. I think I can finally finish a degree because I am mentally stable enough and am on medication. You've led a very interesting life Kit, I hope to one day travel the world as you have. You may not have fulfilled your childhood dream, but you are an inspiration to those who watch your channel.

This was SO INSPIRING i’m sobbing, thanks for sharing! My mom has schizoaffective bipolar too and i know how difficult it could be 🥺Also lost my dream job due to illness, but more physical than mental. This video made me feel so proud of myself for getting through college and becoming the person i am today and making new dreams ❤❤❤

How do you not have more subscribers yet? You’re channel is amazing. You are so well spoken and so deeply relatable. I love your story-telling. It really draws in the listener and is so engaging. Thanks for sharing so much about your life!

Everything you've done has great value...and inspires us.

This video made me smile so much. Despite your cognitive struggles, you sound like a very articulate and bright young woman. Getting through college with a severe mental illness, to me, is an amazing accomplishment...something I always wanted to do, but now realize that I probably never will. And your positive attitude is like a breath of fresh air! I've been diagnosed with Schizoaffective bipolar for over seven years now. I've constantly compared myself to friends and family, since then...almost obsessively, to my detriment. I never imagined living a fulfilling life having this illness...but your perspective is very refreshing. Even though most days I feel like a total failure...one thing I have learned is to not be ashamed or embarrassed. I'm open about my illness to family and friends and even complete strangers. I just wish that one day, I'll be able to realize a dream...or several dreams...and make them come true. For now, I'm still figuring it all out. Love your videos.

I believe you will do great in your community dream and public speaking.

I don't know if the "normal life" of a picket fence two kids wife and a dog is a "dream" but I think that's gone for me... Along with a 9 to 5 "normal" job... I havnt even held someone's hand for over 20 years since my first psychotic break which lead to schizophrenia and get anxious and stressed so bad work is hard... But as you say dreams shift I have a new dream... The only people that hire me are acting agencies... I'm most comfortable doing that... Pretending and getting paid for giving it your best and I seem to do it alright... Anyway yes acceptance is part of schizophrenia for sure...

My dream was to be in the army. Also to become a nun or a veterinarian. My Schizoaffective disorder has ruined all of that for me. So I understand. Thank you for sharing! You make me feel optimistic about the future.

You are an inspiration ❤

I'm recovering from episodes and still having lots of cognitive symptoms. I thought I would be able to return to work , but I don't know. It gets me depressed. I used to be into computers, and now I don't function the same. Just keep working on my problems and wait and see.

omg this is me :’( I could pursue my other dream though, which is writing my medieval fantasy series. Much more attainable than med school. Ugh Ngl I’m still upset over it lmao. You handled it so gracefully. Its hard for me to let go of the idea of healing people and changing their lives. I’m going to school now to be an X-ray tech

I wanted to work in natural resources management but ended up being very good at statistics. I was doing pretty advanced AI work when Nvidia had recently launched CUDA. I could tell then what potential their technology might have. I would be a multimillionaire now from that investment alone, but I bought silver instead at that time due to my mental illness. This was also around the end of me having jobs in any field I wanted or was particularly good at. I don't regret any of it, but I don't have a new dream yet. I have become more adjusted to being a person of fairly average intelligence instead of the person I thought I would become. I've also adjusted to knowing I'll need to work a low or medium wage job until retirement age, but at least I'll be able to retire.

God bless you for this video. I have lost my dreams too due to psychotic episodes that destroyed my cognition. I wanted to be personal trainer, I actually worked that job until illness hit me out of nowhere. 4 years of hell, i survived them somehow, but i was left with rly bad side effects of psychosis. I just couldnt manage clients anymore and it was hard to track macros and write programs for every client with this cognition. Also it is rly hard to find girlfriend that wants to stick with me and accept my illness. I wanted wife, children, family. Now it feels out of reach. But recently I found peace in working out, I made pretty good results in gym that I am proud of, also I am reading a lot, witch helps me also.I recently made new fiends in gym and on internet support grups. It is hard, rly hard to accept, but somehow as time gets by it gets easier. You find little things that keep your me3ntal state in shape. Keep posting videos, your channel is rly helpful and full of great informations. And you also deserve more subscribers, this is high quality channel.

Thank you for talking about the cognitive side along with the damage these episodes cause. My motor skills are diminished, my thought process are skewed. None of my psychiatrist could explain to me why my motor skills were slowed down along with my speech being affected.

Your last year in college sounds a lot like mine. For part of it I was also sfudying abroad, when it seemed like I’d get the panic attacks every night… for hours… rapid cycling all these horrible emotions and memories… until I wore myself out and fell asleep. I thought they would go aaay when I got home but it kept mounting… the whole time I’m thinking it’s anxiety but it was my dissociative disorder kind of coming to a head. (Osdd-1b) I remember even once or twice in my favorite class with my favorite professor just suddenly his words would slip away into background and things would look “wiggly”. I’d had to leave the room for a moment and once left school all together for the day because it was so bad I knew I would be a distraction if I stayed.

Thank you so much for this video. Right now I’m hanging onto my dream as hard as I possibly can. My positive and negative symptoms aren’t bad, it’s the cognitive issues you describe that are making everything so hard. Even if I can’t do it in the end, at least I’ll be able to find a different dream.

I also dropped out of my university, got kicked out😂, but I had to take 2 long distance courses. So I worked at my own pace and got 2 A's , later 2 diplomas, and now and MBA ( and I no longer suffer from depression)

With such struggle you have such a brightness radiating from you !

A mental health disorder has made me have to surrender some of my biggest dreams and years of hard work in college striving towards them. But like you said it can open new doors and you can adapt and make new dreams that can be just as fulfilling. Love what you shared.

I also lost my plan A dream and ended up as a research technician and I love my job :)

I did achieve my dreams. I felt like I had it all, then lost sooo much. I spent a few years wallowing in self pity, thinking only on my losses, what I could no longer do, etc. It wasn't until I found real things to be grateful for that my thinking starter to shift. It then went to anger ) I still have some anger issues). This has persisted for year's. Like you I had to face some truths about my limitations and made the decision to re-evaluate everything (my belief system, who I was, who I wanted to be and identify changes needed and started making those changes as best I could. Nobody has it good all the time or bad all the time. The only sure thing is change. You embrace it and try to better things or fight against it and hope for the best. I don't think that obtaining the dream is the biggest deal for most people because their journey getting them towards or away from their dreams change the person, events, circumstances, etc. Life causes us to continually make modifications to our dreams. My best advice is this. LIVE IN THE MOMENT. FIND JOY WHERE YOU CAN. BE KIND AND TREAT OTHERS WITH COMPASSION AND KINDNESS (even if you don't feel like they deserve it). It could be the one thing that turns them around. Peace and love to you all. Best wishes on your own personal journeys.❤

I gave up drinking at 19 with a "dream" of not being out of control or behaving badly. Then at 21 bipolar started with a big euphoric episode. Getting meds and therapy helped, but I am aware I could 'lose control' again.

I have a degree in Zoology and wanted to go to vet school. I had to give up my high ideal when I got sick. I spent a year as a nun and church volunteer. Also my life changed direction a little to laboratory animal research technician. I have retired now and am looking for work as a veterinary assistant. Guess I never really gave up either.

9:01: - 9:05 - 'I cannot say where I am and what I'm doing in the lab...' - I assume you work for the government on some secret projects in a oasis in a desert- :-)

When I was 17 my dreams of being a concert pianist were crushed by one game of volleyball. I still got 2 full ride scholarships at 19 to two different colleges, but couldn't finish due to the sports injury. Dropped out permanently by 20...

I don't know if this really counts, but I've had to really change my dream and change what I am able to do because of how long my ADHD went undiagnosed and the damage that caused, as well as an autoimmune disorder, Fibromyalgia, and most recently POTS that was triggered by COVID in late 2023. I want to be a priest, really badly. I've felt that since I was a child. I'm 26, I'm openly queer, and I'm supported by my church about it. But I am struggling to stop pushing my own limits so much and pretending I can do everything my peers can do. My friends and my partner and my family are so gracious about it (thankfully and ironically I am surrounded by other queer neurodivergent chronically ill people) but I am so hard on myself. I feel like I need/want to just get up off my ass and do things. I feel lazy sometimes. But if I don't try to slow down, I can't do anything... it's a lot.

I'm a hairdresser and I'm experiencing this too. I may never be a hairdresser again now I'm struggling so hard

I still havent given up on my dream... I have bpd and I used to think it limited me but I learned that we're all individuals with potentials. I understand schizoaffective is more severe than bpd tho. I'm a BSc, a MSc, and now a phd student (Geography). Omw to becoming a doctor (just not a medical one)

good video kitz!

this is extremely meaningful to me. i can't do what i want anymore, and now have to reevaluate my life. always somethin....

For me, it hasn't been depression itself that has taken away my dreams. Instead, the diagnosis of depression on my record. I have graduated college and am on my way to a law degree (one more year). The dx of MDD on my medical record is preventing from getting the only jobs I want and following my own dreams. Apparently, because I had a short stint on SSRIs and SI-np, I can't be trusted with any cool job... FBI, JAG, etc... It's all so much harder.

Wow what an amazing and beautiful personal you are. And i am sure you will be a public speaker one day🎉

There is a myth, darling, of Alexander the Great. He found the waters of life, the fountain of youth.

I lost my dream because of autism. I wanted to take care of people with special needs. But that's ok with me now. I know now how hard that work is. Maybe I wanna do volunteer (I can't work because of my asd + a chronic condition) work one day.

I don't know if you'll see this, but hello, Kit--I just wanted to say that this channel and this video in particular are certainly great things and never let anybody take that away from you. You're doing a lot of good. I also had to let go of a BIG Dream (with a capital D) some time in high school because of stress that was inflicted on me and also because my brain just struggles to handle it. I don't have schizoaffective disorder (or at least not yet, anyway), but I do have some diagnoses (schizotypal with an anxiety disorder here) and I've realized that my brain probably just wasn't primed to deal with certain things because of its differences or what-have-you. But essentially, I can relate so much to this. In my case it did feel like a visceral and traumatic experience to come to terms with because I had shaped my identity around it and I thought I would disappoint others and I disappointed myself when I admitted it. But eventually I got over it, and it was the best thing I've ever done, because now I have so many little dreams that I've accomplished, and so many more little dreams I want to pursue, that make me--honestly--much happier. So many avenues I restricted myself from touching because "it wouldn't lead me to my goal". I am still struggling to accept my differences and I am just now learning to give myself more grace and work with myself instead of against it, especially since I've realized more that I am dealing with things other people don't (and we really have to give ourselves credit for that), but I just wanted to say thanks for making this video because I honestly thought I was alone in that (but how silly that is, when there are so many people with so many experiences...!). And keep doing great stuff. I'm typing from an anonymous account because I am scared of letting people know, but I find it noble for you to tell people so matter-of-factly who you are, what you deal with, and how great your life is even with it. Thanks, SchizoKitzo

'it doesn't mean your life is over if you can't do that one thing" SZA means you're dying slowly over a course of decades. people with SZA die sooner, people with SZA as you mentioned, damage their cognition and memory with each repeat episode, and lose a bunch of time and energy to this illness. You are lucky that your intelligence has outweighed your illnesses negative sides. we aren't all so lucky. boo hoo you can't be a doctor so you're going to take your biology degree and be a research technician... I didn't even fucking get to finish college. my entire life was and has been a waste and I want it to end.

What wisdom and humility we derive from our suffering. Thanks for this! 😊

I lost my dream to schitzoeffective disorded, my dream job. I grew up and was a cas thier ina church. But now i can have my dream job in sales thanks to finding the local train station and a trip to milwalkee. Guess what, kit, i can go off social security disability to working a full time career in sales, ill be selling advertising for my own newspaper, and i can be well known to boot!

I had to drop out of HS. All my dreams died and became unattainable.

This video was very optimistic and I liked it very much! We have to spend our time in a certain body, there is no choice other than to try to make the most of it! Everything is easier when you have self-love. But it is still quite a Labyrinth when all medication come into play. So I wish you psychic energy in the future to fulfill your dreams!=

My friends are all moving away and moving on with their lives and I became stuck bc of this illness

My dream is to get better, but that's why it's a dream, because it's never going to happen. But that's just me, hope anyone else having problems gets better.

I’m sorry to hear that. That’s very sad. The one thing I want to say is you are helping people it’s just a different way you still should be proud of yourself because you are strong and by explaining things that can help someone change things in their life that they are doing wrong by listening to you on the Internet

I used to computer program when I was in High School. Mid college my schizoaffective hit and my ability stopped growing.

I got a message for you, when im not drunk.

Im spiritual...just wondering

Firstly, I wanted to say I value your work here on this platform so much, yours is truly a great service. Secondly, I would like to share that the loss of capacities from my time with acute psychosis helped to make clear the path for me as a future artist and educator. It was after my last psychotic break that I had lost every ability save for visual and audial artistic capabilities. I had to retrain myself to read etc, but I did not have to retrain myself to draw or write poetry, so I decided I would take on the long period of recovery and study to become a professor. I am fully medicated, and being able to actually labor practically toward a life of art and giving to others in a life changing way is a miraculous gift.

Wow, operation smile. I just wanted to be a milkman.🤣

I'm sorry 😢.. I can't explene

This is a great video very inspirational your obviously very smart and are able to do amazing things I think it's incredible what you can do I also really like your cyber punk cosplay and your other cosplays but I think cyber punk is my favorite 😊

When I watch your videos I keep forgetting you're not a big channel. Your content is so refined and well done!

I'm proud of you!!!.

I wached a few of your videos and wanted to say that I really appreciate what you're doing 😊👍

Are you religious at all?

all i had was my mind

Awesome video!!! Thank you, Kit!!!

Baluts are chicken embryos😮

❤

I have chronic insomnia and chronic depression. Hate psych meds but cannot get out of them. My 10 year relationship is done. I have no purpose. Don't want to end myself but cannot live like this. My dream is a dignified assisted ending.

Disappointment caused me to abuse myself by means of a voice or alter ego and it lasted thirty years. I am fifty three and have high hopes of becoming proficient in guitar and mandolin. I want to write a book. And I have other things I'm working toward.

I'm from Brazil and your channel is so great. I love listen what you say here. Thank you! ❤

This is strange for me to watch becauze i allow my reality to be defined by what i see in my mind becauze i didnt want to get help that i thought i needed. But i eventually just ran with it. I realized his miserable and unhappy I was. But i also found something to put that part of my brain/mind to work. Which is why i never finished school, becauze i learn things differently. Its not always about memorizing for me. Im a visual person, and i have alot of....can i say entities? Thats how i see them sometimes. Sometimes its my inside self. But i spent a good part of my life telling myself that it was just in my head. Eventually i could t hold it in anymore. But, i will say that despite all of the break down in my life, i dont dislike where i am, not all the time. Sometimes its a dream come true. Other times its like im in a hell dimension. Other times its both at the same time. But one thing I know is that i no longer pray to not wake up in the morning. I look forward to tomorrow. I do my best to get all the rotten toxic energy out of me, but i try to be cool with that part of me. I spent a long time treating him like the villain. Now im allowing him to have some pf the spotlight becauze of how long he was suppressed. You do cosplay I believe im god, the 2nd coming and the anti-christ all rolled into one. I own it in my own way. But im also the type of person that needs to be my own BOSS. I cant taken orders for long. And i do my best to see everyone as an equal, unless im feeling unhinged and see the human race as insects. But i keep it as balanced as i can. I have a few outlets that afford me the breathing room i need to enjoy what i can of my life I just spent the better part of the last 7 months being paid to travel for a high end mens retail brand so i could help support their stores that needed help. It was great. It was like an all expense paid indentured servent vacation. But it did grant me an education in int'l business and marketing that i never would have gotten in school. I had to burn that bridge tho. I like to make sure that i have no choice but to keep moving forward with my life.

I've found the best way to deal with the ugly truth of this reality is thru dissociating or seeking euphoria.

Honestly, I never had a dream to begin with, but it did start as a very slow morphing nightmare hitting critical mass when I was 20 years old! My time in the difficult demographic of the mentally ill and a subsequent discovery of my Buddhist faith! It truly saved my life and, I smile so much more than I have ever in my life! Yes, there are difficult realities that come my way but regardless a laugh and joke are never too far away! It has been a bit trying to be around new people from time to time because of a lack of social understanding, but I am over the moon to be around my friends, my spiritual friends who are trying to make the world a better place one day and one person at a time! Moreover I have also discovered an appreciation of other religions and faiths and how they operate and see the world understanding that there is no right and only way trying to include everyone! Buddhists have an idea of transforming adverse conditions, and it has for me and I am happy it has for you too!

as someone with bilateral clp, i am so moved by your story. so sorry it turned out this way, but what a lovely thing to come out on the other side of it.

Your amazing I can relate I love your videos

You are such an inspiration. Thank you .

You've already seen my reaction to this in DMs but I just want to say

I dreamed about being a scientist, and was on a clear path to success but was hit hard by bipolar and I had to give up that. Today, I'm a software engineer.

Yes Kit is very inspiring and very beautiful. She makes good mental health videos.

My favorite line in this was "dreams can change" I think it's wonderful that you are able to see yourself as valuable even though you changed your dream, it is obvious you have many dreams that you can make come true. 🙏❤️

I LOVE you !! You are amazing

What the heck 😅 I'm currently finishing my Masters sequencing DNA and RNA to study the effects of climate change on plants. And you got into cosplay, I just started doing drag 😂. I just got diagnosed with bipolar after my first major manic episode this past fall. Made a 2 year degree take 4. The cognitive effects are real. I also got rejected from my dream job of studying grain adaptation to climate change and transcriptomics at my dream institution. I haven't given up on my dream completely, but I'm keeping my options more open now because I'm realizing I might not get into exactly what I wanted to. Thanks for making these videos! Make me feel a lot less alone in this.

No dream. Don't need one. Schizophrenia started to disorient me by the age of 17. Started following heroes. 😝🥸