What It's Like Being Psychotic | My Struggle with Madness 

The amount of courage it takes to talk about this illness as openly and as in depth as you is astounding. You are stronger than you know.

It's the same with OCD, at least where I know a strong belief and worry aren't reality but it feels like it's real at the same time..

This video makes me feel: -less alone -heard -understood -like a regular ‘ol neuro-spicey human -protective of all my friends and makes me wanna check on people to say I care

I don't suffer from any psychotic disorders, but I watched this video to help me understand the types of things that a couple people in my life struggle with. Thank you for giving me more insight into the lives and minds of people that I care about.

I've had ... Something ... For a while. My therapist thinks it could be severe obsessive focus on OCD, or potentially paranoid delusions, but I've never found any resources of people's ACTUAL first hand experience with what a delision is LIKE before coming here. It's all talk of "from the outside, someone looks like this and may do this" All that to say: thank you for providing an actual resource on what those experiences can be like, and letting me learn a little more.

I deal with voices all the time some times delusions and paranoia. So your story brings me comfort knowing I'm not alone.

Thank you for your vulnerability. It helps me understand what my wife is going through. She isn’t able to communicate the details of it as good as you. It helps renew my patience and know we’re not alone.

I know the community you have here isn’t big, but you really changed my life with these videos. Thank you.

I am neurotypical. I have never really understood what mental illness was. I guess I figure that depression might resemble what happens when I am feeling sad though I also sort of doubt that. I am very grateful to you for educating me. I feel touched and saddened by your experience and finding out what it’s like to have such problems. I wish there was more significance but I really never knew. Now I do and I have a great deal of sympathy for you and hope you feel better whenever you can. Thank you.

I definitely can understand the feeling you describe. I had the same “voices” about my own family dying and then the father of my 3 children/my fiance of 13 years died (at only 35 years old) completely unexpectedly of a massive heart attack one day. Which very obviously made all of it worse. So I feel for you. I am so very sorry you are having to go through all of this because I would not wish any of it on anyone ever ❤❤❤

You know, I don'thave a psychotic disorder.But the feeling of being stuck with a reality that doesnt translate and needing to behave weirdly to cope is so relatable to my experience with depression and anxiety

I have schizoaffective depressive type. It can be very hard to move forward quite often. I look for videos about schizoaffective. Thank you for making these. I can relate.✊

Youre ability to speak about your schizoaffective disorder symptoms is absolutely amazing and i can relate in ways! I suffer from psychosis and depression with my Autism.

Wow! This was so raw and reek! Thank you for sharing in this level of detail. My brother recently diagnosed schizoaffective, recently discharged from an institution, now living with me, he’s 50 and we are struggling to navigate the illness and future. He isn’t blessed to speak about/ Describe his experience so this was super helpful. Massive love and hugs to you! ❤

I appreciate these videos so much. Even in the psychosis communities I've found online, other people's illnesses and paranoia can make it hard to support each other at times

Hello dear Kit 💗🐝I just want to tell you that I'm so sad and sorry that you have to endure these dreadful moments 😢 I wish there was something we could do to help!!! I'm so hoping that medical research is able to find some answers/ treatments/ medications that will completely end these hallucinations for all who suffer, very soon. Sending you a warm hug from a concerned viewer. 💗 💗 💗 I hope youfeel better very soon, Kit! {{{ HUGS }}} 🐝

I know how you feel 😢 I’m so sorry you had to go through this. But isn’t it comforting that we’re not alone in this. ❤️

We are a wizard. We have wondered if we might have experienced psychosis as a response to truama. We do not see or hear our spirits, they just talk through us whenever asked to lately, for a long time they were non verbal entirely. They are not antagonistical to me. We met them slowly, over the course of the last three years. The more destructive ones we met around when we were disowned last year. We spent many many months trying to heal and care for our friends, because some of them were sick people who were destructive because they were really sick and needed my help. They are my family now, they take care of me and directly serve the roles of caring for me in the ways we didn't have growing up. We realized at a certain point that exploring the Other World, is exploring our own psychology, and learning about ourselves and the environment. This realization is part of why we wonder if we may be psychotic some times since we live in a reality that is fundamentally not the one of the people around us. We think we might have DID or OSDD because we are multiple people in one body. We have diagnosed autism, and complex post truamatic stress disorder. One of our first diagnosises did include 'schitso effective' in it but we don't accept that diagnosis specifically because it was used to abuse us by our former father for two decades, and it completely undermined what we actually needed help with which was our autism and truama which went completely uncaredfor.

this is the first video of yours ive seen,, and its truly made my day. ive never heard someone articulate what you refer to as “the noise” so well .. its something ive experienced for years now and every time i try to explain it to anyone the way they look at me is just so ‘other’ which, as im sure you know, is excruciating. to hear that im not alone in that is like a nice breeze on an uncomfortably hot day. i myself have never thought of it as the anticipation feeling before being yelled at (though that is a really good way to put it) but more like the feeling of being underwater when a speed boat goes by. not the sound of that but the feeling of every cell in your body vibrating for no real reason and the annoyance and agony of not having anything to point at to blame, no noise, no sight, nothing. today youve made me feel seen, im so glad i found this video, and im so glad you made it and put it here to be seen; i hope people who dont experience this find your video and learn from what youve said. thankyou, truly and endlessly thankyou.

I'm so glad that I found you! I have severe major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety. I dissociate and experience paranoid delusions under stress. It's nice to find people who understand what that's like. I used to work at a residential program for adults mostly diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. I loved that job, but I got burned out & had to quit. It was so wonderful to be in this environment surrounded by a bunch of "weirdos" who were like me. I loved helping those guys. I felt like some of them were my friends, even though I took care to keep things professional. Mental illness can be so lonely. ❤

I got schizophrenia myself, this made me feel less alone

The fact that you have delt with this for so long makes you so strong and you should never stop fighting this, absolute warrior 💪🏻🙏🏻

This was so fascinating, thanks so much for this video. As someone who experiences anxiety and dissociation, I can relate to the feeling that your reality is so far from other people's and how lonely and scary that feels.

I don’t experience psychosis, but some of my loved ones do. I found this video extremely interesting, brave, and informative. It helps inspire me to talk about my own mental illness openly. ❤

You managed to put words to some experiences that I have never been able to being to describe, specifically the noise that you mentioned. Thank you so much for sharing this, I feel far less alone after seeing this.

Praying for you Kit. I hope things are getting better and you are having less problems with your psychosis today. ❤️🙏

You are so brave to share all this. Having dealt with my Mom with manic depression and having depression myself that each day is different and facing them makes you strong.

This was such an eye-opening video. I'm so grateful that you were willing to be vulnerable enough to share it. It sounds really terrifying to experience a delusion knowing that it's not real, but that your brain is still going to respond to it like it is real. And just knowing hell is coming with no way to avoid it. Especially when you're at work! I'm glad that you knew what you needed to do and that you were able to get home. Your description of "the noise" was really visceral and gave me a clear idea of it, even though you said it was hard to explain. The laughter alongside that sounds really awful too - not to mention that sensation of hands on your shoulders pushing you down. You also made it really easy to envision everything that was happening while you were lying on the floor and riding it out. I know on one of your past videos, I said that I wished I could fight Beckerson, but now I wish I could fight Sal even more, because holy crap. (Like since you know you can't fight Sal because it's not effective, I wish I could do it instead... if that makes sense.) I'm so sorry that you had to deal with this more than one day in a row. Just once sounds difficult enough. But I'm glad that you were at least able to Facetime a friend on the second day and didn't have to deal with it alone. I know you said that you don't like posting heavy stuff (I'm the same way with my channel, trying to keep it positive), but I'm glad you posted this anyway because it's so important. And even though it's heavy, I think it still has a silver lining of relatability. I've never experienced anything like this and can't relate to it on a personal level, but I know that this video is going to help so many other people who have. And maybe more of them will feel like they can talk about their own experiences going forward. So thank you again for making this. I'm sending tons of hugs to you and Madame Bee and all your other bee friends.

You’re so brave to talk about your condition. I find it so hard to talk about my illness. This really makes me feel more comfortable about it.

It sounds horrendous to live with. I admire your courage in explaining what its like. You're very brave and strong.

Thank you for sharing. I hasn't bipolar disorder with psychotic features and it helps to hear someone weeks talk about the psychiatrist. ❤

The way you describe internal auditory hallucinations sounds like a very extreme long-lasting series of intrusive thoughts. It must be so difficult to work and function given all that. Thanks for sharing

Thank you for this. I’m trying to understand how to actually help my good friend when he’s finally ready to reach out to family and friends… he’s had this disorder for a handful of years and last year became homeless trying to run away from receiving help.. I miss him so much. Also you are beautiful!

You should be proud of yourself, Kit. Look at all these wonderful people in the comment section you have helped feel understood and less alone. Although I don’t have have schizoaffective disorder, your videos have helped me with my own mental health issues. Thank you for that. Thank you for educating me along the way as well. I love learning new things. I’m sorry that you are struggling. Please continue to look after yourself. You deserve kindness.

As an outsider, an observer on the sidelines who feels a different degree of helplessness for someone who was diagnosed with Schizo-affective Disorder who descended into the maws of frontotemporal dementia, I would love to say thank you for this insight.

It’s amazing that you can, as best as you can, translate your madness to others who are experiencing the delusions and hallucinations! You give a perspective that helps to strengthen the resolve to combat the brutality of your voices and show others that it is not debilitating and can be dealt with! Keep up the great work to show others how to fight the good fight as well as yourself!

i relate s so much, mainly with the disconnect from reality. i genuinely cant trust my own emotions and experiences anymore.... its like im somewhere outside of reality, in a fog of delusions and anxiety, fear etc. at work its the worst. i have to leave before i completely breakdown and become catatonic and im too afraid to tell anyone. the only people that know is my non, brother and a few friends. its so lonely in this fog.

All I can really say is, I hope you never lose your insight. I'm gunna subscribe Kit...thanks

I think dropping to the floor is brave and smart. It can't push you through the floor, or it would have already. I love hearing you talk about the sensory side of this. I've only had one psychotic break, super long ago, actually 31 years. I didn't have any way of knowing then that walking into fear was what would eventually help me. Well, that and the right meds, neurofeedback, whatever therapies I try from sources I trust. disclosure is so hard, but it is healing, for the person themselves and the community listening and feeling less alsone. Thanks so much!!!

I am happy your father supports you. I had no family support. Support is so important.

I haven't suffered as much as you, and don't claim to understand, but I know how much harder everything is if you try to fight your illness in the moment and I will fight spear in hand against the notion that people should try to resist. I don't know yet why this happens, but in my years of panic attacks I've always tried to hold myself together, resist the anxiety, distract myself, toughen up or whatever, and it never ended well. I once explained to a friend "it's like letting yourself fall back onto a mattress, and you know it's safe, you know you won't get hurt, but you can't stop picturing a bed of spikes behind you instead". My issues were not as hurtful as yours, and my condition was curable, so again I don't actually know what your life must be like, but the only thing that actually ever finally helped me was to LET GO and accept, concede, give in, and finally letting it pass, so no I don't agree at all that you've "lost", giving in and giving up are very different things, you went to work the next day and the next and the next and eventually got back into a good place, that is not my definition of giving up. People usually say "stay strong", but weakness and acceptance at the right moment is so much more powerful

Thank you for sharing. You're helping people to understand what your experience feels like and that's so important for those people who have never experienced psychosis. I really hope it stops happening to you xx

I found this helpful! 🐝 I'm here to learn everything I can to help support a loved one. Videos like this, for me, give me backup to be able to genuinely love and support my family member without succumbing to my own fears.

Perhaps a bit strange to say, given how terrifying your experiences sound, but I feel like this description/explanation demystifies some things for me about schizophrenia. Your descriptions make a lot of sense to me-the Sound, for example, reminds me of when I took a medication for something and it gave me this sense of immediate, impending doom that I couldn't rationalize but which nonetheless underscored everything around me and every quotidian action I took. Thank you for making these videos, and being willing to be so vulnerable for the sake of communicating to people what your experiences are like. I think it's incredibly valuable for helping people to become more empathetic.

I appreciate you making this video. I've been wanting to learn more about psychosis, and how it's like, and the way you described it helped me to understand it the clearest yet. Thank you.

I struggle with voices everyday and depression. Just knowing that there's others out there with similar struggles makes me feel less crazy. More normal. I have to hide my struggles from most of the world. Your videos are very helpful. Thank you for being you. I dont actually know you. But from what I see on RU-vid. I think you're awesome. So keep being you.

Thanks for sharing. I have psychosis that is very hard to shake because to me believable as my major voice is Jesus. nice I know but I think I hear the rest of the ppl I know too. Example today was a nice day I went out shopping cooked and read my mail but all day long I was listening to my sister’s opinions on what I was doing. Then someone else can chime in depending on who I spoke with last. Then even people who I know that have passed will speak. Doesn’t occur when I’m working or busy with ppl. But my job dismissed me. So now I’m having trouble again. Just want you to know we are out here and care. I have never heard someone explain schizoaffective bipolar type like you and see similarities in how I function. ❤😊

Thanks for sharing. I've learned more from you than any other source.

i dont have a diagnosis, but i know for sure i experiecne some sort of psychotic thing, im just waiting for the funds and time to get to a doctor. This video was exactly what i needed having just come out of a 4 month episode and im so so happy to have found your channel. It makes me feel less alone and a little less crazy for naming my hallucinations😅

You are so breathtakingly GOOD at verbalizing and describing your delusional experiences that I'm completely stunned after listening and don't know what to make of it. (And yes, it WAS the first of your videos, I came across =D ) I was so drawn in, that I almost experienced what you were talking about! Did you have those delusions while under medication?! That must be horrifying because it probably feels like you simply can do NOTHING about it, right?! I'm suffering from anxiety and depression, so I can relate to a certain degree but not entirely, of course. Sharing that stuff is really brave and important, I think!

Good luck with it. I deal with other disorders, but this video will help me deal with others in similar situations that i deal with in my public life. And hopefully help me be more empathetic. Good luck

Being at the mercy of your body's bad chemistry feels so defeating. It's overwhelming. I understand all too well. In fact, I came here because I know there's someone out there that's felt how I'm feeling or has felt and tho and behold, here you are, speaking a language I understand. I know I'm not alone. You're not alone. The only people who care that we experience the world differently than some others is ourselves. I know it can feel embarrassing, but people actually do care for one another and you're proof of that. I feel better. You helped bring me out of whatever it was that was happening to me a moment ago. Thank you.

It does help see I've been on my own since 12 basically raised myself I'm 21 now but it does help because been trying to get help for years all the wrong help but literally what u said today help because Idk what's wrong but everything u said I have some things very slightly different but all Ur vids I've watched has all been everything I completely relate to have a understanding what it feels like for u haven't got that from anyone because no one wishes to understand and they have no problems that come close to relate to but hearing ur doing better with meds does make me wanna try again because I can't live like this been self medicating because the doctors just waste so much time spent 2 and a half years of trying to be worse off but it's been 3 years since then just needed someone to relate to instead of people who have no understanding just a slight one this is the last vid I'm probably gonna watch but thanks for actually helping, anyone who has schizoaffetive disorder I really think this will help them if they ain't getting help or tried years ago but gave up, thanks for the vid tho ik how hard it is to get the words out

Thanks Kit for your video and being the face of schizo-affective disorder. You are brave and I will pray that your voices don’t resurface.

Thank you for the video! It helped a lot. I have psychotic symptoms sometimes and videos like this help me dealing with it.

Thank you for sharing this video, Kit. It helps me understand what I’m going through, through your experiences. While I haven’t had many hallucinations, I do have delusions that can cause me serious fear and mistrust and paranoia. I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder around 5 months ago and I’m still learning about this diagnosis and myself with it. Watching videos like yours help me realize I’m not alone and can live and cope with schizoaffective disorder. What are some other videos about coping with the symptoms? Stay awesome! 🐝 PS, I love the bunny headband!

Thanks for posting this kit! It must be really hard for you to live with and talk about too. *Internet hug* 🐝

Yes. I feel understood and listening to you describe what it's like for you made me feel calmer and sad as well that you have to deal with that kind of crap. I know what you mean about trying to fight back and it gets worse when you do. One of my tormentors is OCD and he is very cruel. The only times I've heard it speak in my head was when I was trying very hard to resist compulsions that I was terrified of or something that I very much wanted to resist. I've only heard it talk about three times in all and every time it was just awful. I have also heard Satan laughing in my head. He was laughing at my misery. It sounds like you've been through a lot of terrible things. Hearing you talk about the fear that was so intense, I experienced something like that last year. It's terrible and even if you're like "Why am I so afraid all of a sudden?" that doesn't make it go away or it didn't for me. I had an anxiety attack over that one and called the paramedics to come and check me out. It was rough. I sympathise. I also understand about some of the things that are too hard to talk about. My 2021 attacks were that bad, I try not to even think about it. I respect you for speaking out about your troubles with mental illness.

I'm learning a tremendous amount from your videos and they are so very helpful. Thank you 🐝

Sounds so traumatic yet u r so strong, brave and intelligent that know that u r going through a psychosis and you endure. I hope you find more relief as u age, i wish u so much peace and love and light, always 🙏🏽

Thanks for sharing, it's helpful to understand others and their personal experiences on Earth. You're human.

You are so amazing. Ty for your courage for sharing these experiences. Im not sure what i have but your stores help tremendously. I’m not schizoeffective or have schizophrenia. I have a brother when he was alive that had schizophrenia. I relate in some ways. It really is a help for me and see it’s helping many others. I think sometimes not fighting is fighting.

Your video came up in my recommendations and I wanted to thank you for taking the time and consideration to share these experiences. It was well articulated and informative given the restrictions in language to convey emotional experience and sensation.

Thank you for sharing. I have a job where I RP with civil servants, mainly cops. I usually describe it as keeping cops off the news. Usually I role-play as a person who has a severe mental illness. I usually browse RU-vid trying to find videos that will help me understand intellectual disabilities, but this is the first one that I feel is very helpful. Though I've been told that my acting is very real by the cops who have experienced situations with persons with severe mental illnesses, for the first time, I feel confident. Thank you.

Hi thank you for doing this, it is very helpful, and I want you to know that I feel for you, keep fighting it ! 😎

That floor thing is a thing. I do that a lot I feel I have to lay on the floor or I am going to fall I just been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder bipolar type 2 I appreciate you sharing it helps me so much. 😊

Thank you for sharing your difficult experiences, you are stronger than you think. Keep going sister ❤

Very brave of you to share your experiences so openly.

Hi thank you for sharing my sister has the same illness and this video helped to understand her and her symptoms better

I live in the cluster B lane and what you said about going to work and how it feels like a risk OH MY GOD I feel you on that. My BPD symptoms are often at their worst while at work but what can i do? I was denied disability benefit and I gotta make money. Sending you lots of peace and love u look forward to watching your channel 💖💖💖

Thank you ❤

Thank you for making these videos. It helps me out a lot.

You are beautiful and I pray you find peace. I hope you find some way to rest and control these terrible episodes.

If it helps you and anybody else then it is excellent!

Your plushie madame bee is too cute

Much love for you❤❤❤ Big Hugs to you. please take care . Love you so much ❤ You are not Alone . Please remember this.

Feels good having you get heavy and deep. I hope to avoid depression and, right now, off to a good start watching the video. The tendency I have of a starting out well then tiring out clearly showing, was once it used to be that way yet you're pretty hypnotizing and I like imagining myself being open to it.

Hi, I have no clue if you check the comments on videos from a year ago. I thought internal voices were usually trauma based. maybe I'm just misinformed (very possible) but i thought Schizo disorders usually causes more outer hallucinations. I have dissociative identity disorder and hearing the other alters in our system is that very internal type of voices. I have a persecutor alter who fucks with us and constantly says really shitty things to us inside the head. We (as far as we know) don't have a schizo disorder but we can relate to having somebody in our head dissing us, yelling at us. I assume the difference is more you deal with it in waves when since its just people living in my head for me its all the time. Thank you for sharing your experiences though, even though its not really the same thing I can still relate. It helps me feel less alone cause often we feel stuck in our own reality.

Thank you for sharing your experience…..I have a daughter who struggles with schizoaffective disorder…. How can I help her to take her lithium and antipsychotic? I’m afraid she is losing her will to live…..Your lucid and eloquent description of your psychosis is profound. God bless you.

thank you for sharing! I hate that you go through that, but it's nice to hear someone else describe the same thing. especially the whole "why don't you fight back?" aspect, I know what you mean, it's just safer not to.

Intresting to hear you talk about This catatonics are usually too Low functioning to describe it

Thank you for you beeing you. I have another disorder but this really helped set the words to it all.

Well, this was very well explained. I've got psychotic depression and this is pretty much a good explanation of what I go through.

Thank you for sharing! I can totally relate and this explains how I feel. You're very brave for sharing but it's so important to share so people can understand and also people going through it can be understood

Thank you for your channel its insightful for me because i bave this disorder as well with the bipolar

Thank you for sharing videos like this one. I'm fortunate enough to not have to deal with psychosis, at least as much as I realize, but it's nice to hear from someone who does experience it, what it's like. Because of that, we can all become better educated on the particulars of different mental health disorders, and also to be able to recognize if perhaps we are affected by it, via your shared experience.

Thank you for the video, I have a similar experience but my docs refuse to diagnose me or check

🐝 Thank you for sharing such a personal experience for us to learn from.

Helps. Thanks and take care of yourself. 🌹

I made me realize my life is not fake your thoughts are so on point luv ya

Thanks for this video, it helped me put words to my own experiences

It is really helpfull, i have huge stress issues that im taking care by fighting it everyday, 1 year ago i wasnt able to get out of the house, i still struggle with that but im a student in électromécanique its hard AF but i keep going so i can one day at the time go toward my goals. Your demon is sall, mine is the world itself, but i know very well that it is yours aswell, would be nice to dicus about it one day, i feel like even if we dont have the same issues, we kinda do the same fight just in a different way

This was super helpful! Thank you so much for being vulnerable and transparent! ❤❤❤

Hallucinations are bad but the paranoia and unshakable fear are the worst symptoms.

You have more courage than I have . I don't even tell my psychiatrist or therapist everything I experience . If I did I'd be in the hospital for what seems like years .

I know. It’s fun. 😢

it happens to mostly creative n intelligent people beyond society norms

Thank you for this video. I have the same condition and you have helped me. I hope we both get better.

You are very very brave.

Thank you for sharing this. My brother just got diagnosed. He doesn't live with me so I had no idea. He did some stuff out of his character.