I was a military wife for many years. My husband was constantly deployed or out to sea for the first 6 years of our marriage. We had 3 kids under three in the beginning of our marriage. He was constantly gone for months at a time then home for 2 weeks then gone for 4 months then home for 4 months then gone for a year etc. it was HARD. The hardest part was when he came home. I put my big girl panties on when he left and took care of EVERYTHING and everyone. It was HARD. When he came home he seemed to have certain expectations. He thought it was his time to relax while I continued to do all of the parenting and all of the housework etc. He didn’t respect the schedules that I had set that kept the children happy and me sane. It was like he threw a whole wrench in our lives every time he came home. He also expected everything to revolve around him. I would cry every day and was so stressed out and overwhelmed and overstimulated that I didn’t know what to do with myself. It was obvious he didn’t like me and frankly I didn’t like him either. I was depressed and unhappy and we discussed divorce multiple times. Once he stopped deploying and started spending significant amounts of time at home things got SOO much better. I finally had help and we were able to adjust the schedules in a way that was helpful to both of us etc… I promise him being away is causing her to have a really hard time. He doesn’t see all the problems it’s causing and just blames her for everything. He needs to do some serious self reflecting and have some important conversations with her that don’t start out with YOU don’t listen and I don’t like YOU.
Wow. Same story here. When the kids were small my husband was underway all the time. He was very critical when he was home and wanted things done a certain way. We were young and he had no idea what I was going through. I didn’t express myself and he didn’t either. It hit the fan one day when he compared me to his sailor buddy’s wife who had older kids. We had a come to Jesus moment. 😂 We got through it and we’ve been married 21 years. That said I never lashed out at other people.
The first two commenters are super stars. Thanks for sharing and for your perspective. It is really good for us to realize that military sacrifices are made by the entire family not just the soldier
Amen, sister! I was a civilian military wife, and family life- all of it- landed on my shoulders. We had a rhythm when he was gone, and it was hard keeping all the balls in the air, but we did it. When he came home on leave, not only did he disrupt our rhythm, he caused the whole thing to come to a screeching halt! Rules would change, bedtimes changed, but he didn't help, because he was on vacation! When he left the military after 5 years in Afghanistan, he came home. He looked for a job, but couldn't find one he liked, so he didn't work. We divorced. Love each other? Like each other? Heck, we didn't KNOW each other!!!!😑
To all husbands: if you worry about something and you don’t tell your wife to not make her worry - I GUARANTEE - she notices. 100%. And it affects her.
@@awakenedone7577 if this is truly what happens when you are completely reasonable, it means she is a huge red flag. But if you are not completely reasonable then it may be also you…
Three minutes in and I can tell you she's overwhelmed and he's neglectful, because they've been astranged for the entirety of their marriage and they don't even know eachother anymore.
Completely agree 100%. Also most his issues he has about his wife completely matches up with the profile of undiagnosed and untreated ADHD. I might be completely wrong but for context I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD since grade 3 and do academic research on ADHD. Not trying to diagnose her just pointing out the lack of care and communication could be causing them to miss a fixable issue that is not fixed to her actual personality.
My thoughts too! I forget a lot of what my husband has said or told me and it’s actually embarrassing because I think something is wrong with me. I really think I have undiagnosed ADD. I also have a couple chronic illnesses that make me have brain fog along with taking care of kids. It’s hard when you’re solo parenting like she seems to be doing. An airline pilot is gone for quite a few days in a row. I think it’s sweet of her to ask him to go out on a date since they don’t see each other often.
@@ellamackinnon6484 same here, I'm not a good listener and I often tend to dose off without even noticing, especially if someone is talking nonsense or over-explaining themselves.
As an adult recently diagnosed with ADHD his list of things that he doesn’t like sound like that could be a cause. Definitely need her side of the story.
So, he's away a lot of the time, leaving her to run the house and raise a child on her own. She asks for date nights, and sounds overwhelmed. Instead of offering support, "he doesn't like her". What a douche.
Wow. This guy has no clue. I guarantee you brother. Your wife can't stand you either. Shes lost in her own mind, has brain fog, shes alone with a toddler all day . That's why she's miserable. You made her this way and now you don't like her. Lol, men like this are really something 😂😂
Is this doctor even going to mention the fact that this caller has never been a full-time member of his own family, and that perhaps THAT might impact his wife?
Absentee father and husband who doesn't participate in his family...equals stressed out, post partum, emotionally volitile wife. She needs to divorce him.
@@sarahrobertson634 If the roles were reversed and the wife was complaining about the husband, I'm sure you would not be bashing her the same way. This is not a gender war. You clearly came to a conclusion here based on a male / female dynamic. You should try de-gender the caller and the callers spouse and think about what they really are saying. It's possible that he is an absentee father and the cause of many problems, yes. It's also possible she is everything he is saying she is. Who are we to know and judge based on the information available? Have an open mind. Men and women are not enemies.
I am an Airline pilot for 23 years and married for 20 years with two grownup kid. He needs to talk to someone in his carrier who is married and remain married for guidance. We all go though this initially as it is a high paid glamorous field, you see only good things in life when working. You will see everyone’s happy face at work and you think that is how everyone at home also. But at home, you are husband and wife and she doesn’t need to smile at you and ask do you need coffee or tea. I hope he will listen to some mature guys and change the way he thinks and expectations about family life.
The way he described it makes me think his wife is probably not a bad person, but she is a VERY overstimulated, overworked mom taping together her mental health because she has no time for anything and all this built up comes out as frustration, not listening. Meanwhile, she's in survival mode and cant focus or retain information, or even think straight.. Even when he said "She didnt download the app to get into the museum" Everything is probably expected of her. Its hard being a busy mom in charge of ALL THE THINGS.
Why do women keep having children and then complaining about how hard it is? Isn't that understood before you have kids? Also, likely, she is the one who bought the museum tickets. Otherwise, why would she be the one talking to the clerk about the tickets?
If you’re a stay at home mom your job is to excel at those things and not be a raging nag to the entire planet. Absolutely no one would say it’s ok for a guy who’s spent the day roofing in the hot Sun to come home and be a 12-foot wiener to their wife. Stop infantilizing women. Grow up.
Can u imagine how much he goes out with his boys, because I can guarantee he definitely being a military pilot 😂 those people are notoriously know for cheating.
This guy is a self centered jerk! I went to the full broadcast and he’s not even trying to connect with his wife or even consider how difficult her life is when he’s gone! It’s all about him and his judgements of her! That poor woman!
No amount of stress she's under excuses her disrespect towards others. If i were one of her female friends, i wouldn't go out with her either, because it would be embarrassing to have her lashing out at people.
I heard that arrogance also. But I also don’t understand how he can love her but not like her. I don’t think he really loves her as a wife should be loved. He should know her and know that something’s going on that’s causing her to not be her best. He should be concerned about her and want to help her. That’s love. But instead he is concerned about himself and that her behavior is making him unhappy and uncomfortable. I heard no concerns for her. Sounds like narcissistic abuse
@@vinodhakirba8527It doesn’t excuse it. It does explain it. My guess is that she feels alone and trapped and he is not coming to help her. Like an animal with a foot caught in a vise.
Yes. That is how me and my 3 sisters were raised. Or mom died when we were 21, 19, 14 and 14, and now 2 of us do not speak to our father, and one only with a lot of boundaries. He expected us to worship him for doing the bare minimum.
And your just going to give up on everything just because its over? Do you realize how much of a failure you sound like? You need to fight a little harder for your family. @@heatherjordan4022
Right? This man child lives the single life. Sounds like the wife is overwhelmed, doesn't receive help or support and is forgetful. I'm extremely forgetful due to the constant stress (of life in general) I'm in. My spouse gets so mad that I don't remember what he says. I just tell him I have a legit memory issue and it's not that I'm being purposeful with forgetting. This guy sounds like he has a supportive wife, a family and a home. Does he ask her about her? God he sounds like he's upset with a child. I'd put $ on thinking she's probably the nicest person but most tired person right now.
I don't think he is being a jerk per se, but he should tell her that he just doesn't want to be with her Him holding back the truth I causing the stress on them both.
@@sueshields9107 he's critical for sure. i did not care for that comment about "oh we work out all the time" so buddy we get it. she's still hot-not fat. god forbid
Dr.John totally missed the mark on this one. The caller isnt being completely honest with his behaviour towards his wife. His wife had a child during COVID and for some females after giving birth the postpartum depression can look like anger and postparum depression can last for a few years. He checked out of the marriage a long time ago. And lies to his wife when she asks him if he likes her. He has some growing up to do. Does this caller listen to his wife when she is speaking to him?? I highly doubt it. I suspect he is constantly correcting her or telling her what she is doing wrong. That could be why she doesnt listen to him.
I was thinking this exact thing, especially the part where he is probably constantly correcting her. That sort of thing beats you down after awhile. You feel like your spouse is more like a parent. It's also likely that she is bottling up her emotions and then explodes. She shouldn't be taking her anger and frustration out on strangers, but I wonder if she has become really hard on herself over making mistakes because of the high standards of her husband. The pressure might be too much. It would be interesting to know if she acts the same way when her husband isn't around.
@@ConernicusRex "corrected". It's possible he's a nag. Usually it's the other way around, but it is possible for the man to be a nag too. When you can never do any right in the eyes of your partner it's soul crushing.
John dropped the ball on this call. That Husband has been absent and not involved with his home life. Why can’t He download the damn app and actually participate in the relationship. This man doesn’t love his wife.
Right, why does it have to be her job to download the app, he could download the app too! How does he behave behind the scenes that makes her so stressed out when something goes wrong while out. I'm sure there are a bunch of things she has to say about how he behaves. Maybe stopping for gas at that point is going to make them late for something and she's wondering why he didn't say something about needing gas sooner so they could have planned for it.
She sounds like a bag of nerves poor woman. It was wrong to snap at anyone but at the end of the day she’s only human. I’d quite like to know what he was doing while she was struggling to cope
@@hummingbird4934ooooorrrrr.... she has always had these behavioral issues but, being deployed, he wasn't around enough to really see them for what they are. I mean, it's POSSIBLE. 🤷🏿♂️ We have to stop prefacing these conversations with the assumption that the woman in question walks on water. It's condescending, to say the least.
Deloney you let this one go over your head. He isn’t even present in his household!!! He’s gone for days and weeks at a time and she’s practically a single mother. He recognized that she gets overstimulated and that she can lash out, but as a good husband he would share some of the burden so she wouldn’t get overstimulated. Does he control the son when they’re out in public? Why didn’t he do some research before they went to the museum? It sounds like he leaves her to crash and burn whether he’s present or away. I’d love to hear her side of the story. She seems to have a lot on her plate
When I listened to this on Spotify I was screaming in my head at how Dr.John actually missed the mark on this caller. I knew I had to come to the comments on RU-vid when it was released and was relieved to see that many other people, particularly wife’s and mothers, heard the same thing I did. This husband is not supporting his wife. His wife carries the entire burden of everything. She’s unsupported by him and he’s the absent husband who has no idea what she carries every single day. The wife wasn’t in the call but us women heard exactly what the problem is. Too many of us know all to well what she is experiencing and that’s exactly what it is. I love your show Dr.John, but you missed the mark on this one!
Agree completely. I wonder if he's considered dissecting the "she doesn't listen" problem. Is she on her phone when he's speaking to her, like is she straight up not paying attention? Or is she having memory problems? Or is she inconsiderate- has he ever asked why it's happening? Husbands do this all the time. Can't remember doctors' appointments for kids, which cereal brand is her favorite, etc. But now that a woman does it he doesn't like her anymore...okay. Super surprised John didn't address that this husband/father is not either of those. He's a person in a marriage and has made a child.
He’s not hardly home, but when he’s home he dislikes her and doesn’t want to spend time with her. I said this on another episode of Dr. Deloney’s show when a man said he’s always regretted his marriage: A lot of men will sit there and be a cloud of insufferable energy over there household but refuse to leave and act like everything is okay.
He mentioned how she treats other people, and then can't understand how she is venting in other ways while saying he doesn't like her....OMG!!! And he thinks he contains his disdain for her?? People are so delusional. He will later blame the wife for filing for divorce and "breaking up the family".
This sounds like a woman who has the world on her shoulders because she's the one home and running the house, taking care of the kid while her husband is away and then when he is back, I bet it was her who planned the day at the museum and tried to make everything go smoothly and sometimes things are just the straw that breaks the camels back, like the museum attendant asking if she downloaded the app as an answer to whatever issue she was inquiring about. She probably thought in her head 'oh, one more thing for ME to do!' Maybe the husband could have looked into what museum they were going to and noticed there was an app to download. Makes me wonder how involved in helping out he is when he is home as opposed to 'I'm home, drop everything and listen to me'.
So it isn’t possible she’s just an a-hole? Why is the narrative that the guy isn’t doing enough dishes, taking out enough trash, or telling her how awesome she is? Is it a man’s job to train another adult on how to behave? You ladies need to either step into adulthood or admit you’re the children you want to be.
These videos makes me rethink getting married! Couldn’t imagine being married to someone who doesn’t even like me, that’s like the minimum requirement 😬
It’s why marrying someone you don’t want to change is 🔥 Even in friendships though you can go through seasons where one of you doesn’t like the other but usually time together fixes that.
I wish he would have asked..."you did not like that she didnt have the App downloaded for the museum and "lashed out" at the worker....why could you not have downloaded the App? Instead of criticizing her, what do you even do to help?
He doesn't like her. Really?? What a major a-hole. Didn't stop him from impregnating her, did it? He's never there. How would he even know if he likes her? She asks for a date night night or some time with her husband, and he cringes. I hope this woman runs. Far and fast. And I am sure she has noticed. Women notice. Total jerk. Man I am so mad for that poor woman and she is stuck with that piece of work in her life forever.
A woman quickly learns to not rely on a man if he is physically and/or emotionally gone. It’s also very strange for someone to come back into your home and try to make decisions and criticize you - especially when they are doing all of the child rearing and homemaking. She is probably lashing out because she feels neglected and knows the relationship is on the rocks.
The way he spoke like he was upset with a child... I can just imagine how he's actually talking to her like she's a child. I wonder why she would be on edge. She has no safety with him. Personally, I think this caller sounds like a tool.
Yes. In my last relationship at the end of the relationship, I started being more angry, lashing at him, I was nor happy how I became. As I have studied psychology I realised I was emotionally abused and lied like this guy liws ro his wife. He was saying hw loves me, he wants to be with me, but won't keep jis promises. Also my relationship was long-distance. I regret for how I behaved at the dnd of the relationship, it's called reactive abuse to some degree.
@@SusannaKHmmm not always the case. You're seeing that because you got cheated on or had an affair. This happens because he has certain expectations of his wife due to his upbringing or culture and she isn't fulfilling that role. I also suspect she has the same problem. She expects him to help around the house when his home but doesn't do that, instead he wants to relax since that's his time off work, but she never gets that.
@@carriebell3566 This is not about what should be, it's about what is. There's two people unable to understand each others perspectives and both of thel feel like they're right. Their feelings are indeed valid but they're going about this totally wrong. What they need is empathy for each other and a way to get both of their needs met
He voices zero concern for or curiosity about his wife and her state of well being. Not once did he suggest that he was thoughtful about her situation, her needs. It was weirdly lacking.
My friend was married to someone who was away a lot of the time. She had to cope alone 3 weeks out of 4, then he’d come back for a week and turn her world upside down then leave again. It’s a difficult life, you have to change how you live
@@RepentImmediately No, she has to cope on her own by herself so when he comes home and wants everything to revert back to the routine before he left makes it difficult to transition. Military wives deal with this quite often.
@@gewurztramina K… what was the point of that comment? Lol What you just said is the equivalent of me saying “The most ruthless killers call sometimes” and you replying “Were all killers. It’s human nature”.
They need serious counseling, not a call in show. Hubby drops in from time to time like a comet visiting earth, and wifey is supposed to drop everything and focus intently on him. Meanwhile she is saddled with a stressful and boring life and she may well need mental help (as may he) and a lot of understanding. She probably doesn't like him either. He lies that he likes her when he doesn't. Her back is to the wall and of course she lashes out. Meanwhile he is feeling important and necessary at a high paying job. She may well feel that she is nothing. Marriage is hard. He does not know this, not does he want to change his behavior. She is the one who "needs to change" so he is always comfortable. This man is an emotional infant. They both need help.
My ex worked for Airline he was a jerk. He said if I didn’t have anything intelligent to say don’t talk to him. I was stay home with 2 kids. He chose to hang out with coworkers instead with me and the kids. Been divorced 19 years it still hurts.
@AEdavirgin How much can he belittle her when he doesn't want or like her. Those kids didn't need to live with Mr. Wonderful. He broke up their home as well without a miniscule consideration for anyone's welfare but his own.
Dr. John I love you but I think you missed STEP 1. The wife is clearly unhappy. Why doesn't the husband/caller ask if she's unhappy and help figure out why and listen instead of immediately launching into "I can't be with someone who is disrespectful to other people and who don't listen to me." She wasn't always like this. So why has she become this? And what role has he played directly or indirectly? I'm not saying he can't bring up the issues he doesn't like. I'm just saying, he shouldn't start there. And by starting I'm not saying it can't even be in the same conversation. It just can't be first if he wants to get anywhere with her. He gets to live the glorious life as the pilot who is revered, who travels, who looks amazing in the uniform and gets the oohs and aahs and she's at home trying to hold the rest of the family life together. Why couldn't he take charge of the museum day and download the app??? Like why was that HER responsibility? Dr. John, you're the guy in the limelight with the book and the podcast - similar to the pilot. So I think you missed calling the guy out on something because you and he are a lot alike and don't see the situation from her side. Nothing is as exhausting as living beneath your potential and unrealized dreams. Maybe she would like to do something with her life and she doesn't get a chance because she's supporting her husband's career and raising his kids. When you are burnt out, it's not that you don't listen, it's that you don't retain information. No one likes to be that person that yells at other people. She probably hates herself for doing it but she's so fried she can't control herself. Why doesn't the husband say, "What can I do for you? What are your dreams? Thank you for taking care of us." Before he starts to pick her apart.
Facts only woman are really seeing this guy for who he really is because I’m a military wife and I know exactly how military men like to throw everything on the wife then come home and run stuff like they haven’t been on all year then nit pick there wives to death
Great, thought out comment. He's playing the blame game. Speak for himself; what does he contribute. Does he try yo relieve some of her load. Give me a break. B lame, blame like a child.
As a man. My first instinct is to accept this call for what it is before what the caller said. However, in marriage, I have learned that there are always two sides to the story. I would love to have the other side.
If she treats people so poorly in public, I really don’t want to hear her side of the story. This is sad. I hope the best for them. I was expecting Dr. John to recommend professional counseling. 😬
@@tonii2019even in that there’s always another side. Is the husband gone for large amounts of time and then coming home and wants to be out all the time at the museum, and at the park, and at the zoo etc to make up for missed time and the wife is exhausted and resentful? Does that excuse it if that’s the case? Or course not. But there’s something at that root. He liked her when he married her and something changed in her, or him, or them.
That's not the point of the video though, we're not litigating who's right or wrong in this situation. It doesn't matter. He called for advice on his handling of the situation.
Maybe you don’t realize everything she has to go through while you’re gone most of the time? As a former military spouse, when your husband leaves your left with everything - kids, house, car, yard…. it can sometimes be overwhelming. I don’t think many military members realize that.
When you are in the Military there are often support groups ... the Airlines, not so much. It is a lot , especially when you are uprooted from your support network. Wishing you good things. From a former wife of a Military / Airline pilot...
Is this caller a partner to his wife? He's been gone their whole relationship leaving her with all responsibilities of the home and the entire mental load. He waltzes in now and then (possibly expecting perfection) and disrupts everyday life. John forgot to ask what the caller is contributing to the relationship besides financial stability. I agree with other posters who suspect undiagnosed ADHD.
Describing a man returning home from work as "waltzing in" and "disrupting everyday life" is wild. Then to top it off we are now making up that he demands perfection. Meanwhile, his wife lashes out at strangers but its not her fault cause she probably has adhd. Why do we insist on infantilizing women and vilainizing men? Maybe she has adhd...or maybe she has a volitile personality. If the roles were reversed people would say he was a narcissist and that she should leave him.
@@mskimy1125no, it is her fault, but meltdowns like that when you have autism or adhd are not the same as 'just being a jerk'. It's caused by overwhelm from actual brain processes that are different in neurodiglvergent people. They can absolutely be managed but not in the same way you'd manage it with a typical person. She needs treatment, counselling, and maybe meds specific for her co dition. That will make a world of difference and stop that behavior.
To the caller and the therapist- Speaking from my own experience as a wife, mother, and full time working woman, this man’s wife is exhausted, she’s had years of being left behind, and carrying responsibility for everything to do with their home and child. She doesn’t hear him, because she’s living inside her own thoughts 99% of the time. The caller is high on living his single, exciting life, meeting younger men and women who might not be burdened with the same responsibility shouldered by his wife. He needs to be honest with himself, he doesn’t want a wife, child, and responsibilities, he wants to be free. He wants to live a single life answering only to himself, not to mention the chance of seeing other women (has he already had affairs?), he thinks that the grass is going to be greener on the other side, he’s in for a shock!
This is why men don’t talk about things. Women immediately defend, instead of hearing. Did he ever say he was perfect. He didn’t need to explain that she solely takes care of the kids it was IMPLIED, both men understood that point.
I hope he leaves her or figures out their issues before he begins to seek out other women😭 I’m a flight attendant and see pilots EVERYDAY cheat OPENLY on their wives. It’s disgusting. I hope this man can work through this or be honorable and leave before he does something disrespectful.
If I were to guess, he’s a new pilot and makes good money. There’s attractive flight attendants that he works with everyday in random cities and hotels. She’s probably really scared too that he’s being unfaithful. I think he’s going through a season of being unhappy in marriage and then sees the thrill of being a new hire pilot. He needs to make a choice.
Yep. He’s started a new career, it’s all new and exciting then comes home to a dowdy wife but he forgets she has to raise their child! If he doesn’t like his wife, he likes someone else!!!
I have ADHD and (if that's it) it's possible to manage it way better than this. His wife sounds extremely challenging to deal with, sure some things I can't help like delayed verbal processing and forgetting conversations, which is why I take notes and use tools to help my memory. I take ownership over managing myself and my responsibilities, and I don't treat people in a mean or rude way. ADHD isn't an excuse for her being "emotionally explosive" at all and making others walk on eggshells, nor is it an excuse for avoiding accountability when you mess up. I wouldn't want to be around somebody like that either
Ive come to a realization that as men, we are never off the hook. And thats okay. Thats how it’s supposed to be. When you’re married, your responsibilities go far beyond your career, paying the bills and “providing” for your family. Thats what a single man does: only take care of himself. But if youre married and have children, youre still responsible for your family’s daily upkeep. If your wife is dealing with 3 toddlers at home, you can come home, cook AND clean, just like you would come home as a single man, cook yourself something and wash the dishes. So many of us think that our big job and important career is significant enough to justify us distancing ourselves from the problems at home. That putting out fires at work justifies coming home to relax. Its not. Its how you distance yourself as a father. Its how you become distant as a husband/boyfriend/lover/everything. Masculinity is also about self sacrifice.
I need to hear her side. Having young kids makes your mind mush -- staying at home all day, every day with them, even mushier. Ever since our two small kids were born, I often struggle to truly listen and even comprehend what my husband is saying. No joke. It bothers me too.
I work from home (self-employed) and I definitely felt like my brain was melting when I moved to working from home to stay with the kids as a dad. One of the biggest things that helped was creating schedules of things to do with them throughout the day, where I could still work from the phone as needed. We get out of the house and go to church, go to the park, go to the mall, visit with family and friends over coffee. Staying in the house with a bunch of kids is too draining for me, but it also means more chores have to be done later.
Two men who have no idea what it's like to be home with a toddler with no help from the other parent. It's likely she is very stressed, and they didn't consider that at all. Blame it on "seasons" and ignore the family balance issues.
My son was a terrible sleeper. I got 6 hours of interrupted sleep on a good night, 1-3 hours on a bad night. For 3.5 years. I had zero help from my husband (but a lot of criticism). It was exhausting.
@Bullen_3 it doesn't, and that is a failing that she has to deal with (whatever the cause). But he obviously has a wife that's struggling, and his reaction for years has just been to abandon her. He doesn't have the right to judge her.
When I was married and my husband was in the army, he deployed for 15 months at a time while I was also active duty in the Air Force + taking care of our daughter full-time we definitely became resentful of each other. I'm sure he probably felt the same about me as this caller does his wife, I on the other hand was resentful that my husband dropped into our house from time-to-time and disrupted the household. I.E took over things and changed the routines when I was the one holding down the fort 98% of the time. Maybe this is why this caller's wife seems distant. Living completely separate lives can create a weird dynamic in a relationship.
Defensive much? People know when they are likable or difficilt. I know I'm difficult, get frustrsted easily, and dont listen well. He knows he is likeable and easy going...you can hear it in his voice. Why are you surprised by this?
@@dc1674 bro code duly noted. John’s advice was terrible then: No need to have a “state of the union talk with (the) wife”. She already knows she’s unlikeable and thus, her husband doesn’t like her. Simple!
Yup, it happened to me. But turns out I have huge abandonment issues. I took it as a threat and called her bluff. Now we've hurt each other so bad there's no fixing it
"Do you even like me?" he then lies instead of communicating. It's a problem when we want feedback, reassurance or want some honesty, and then get told what we don't need to hear.
Doesn’t matter. You have to be honest. That’s her responsibility to fix, and if she wants your assistance then great but it’s not on you. People are in control of themselves only.
Right?! One time my husband was like “ no I don’t” and I was like “I don’t like you either “ and we got over it a few days later 😂 marriage and love are a commitment
True. Sounds like he’s working around what the real issue/situation is instead of pointing out her flaws! She’s tapped out from trying to connect with him.
As he spends so much time away from home, I would have asked if he was seeing someone else and finding an excuse to dislike her. If she has a young child at home and she is alone, most of the time, she may just feel overwhelmed that she has most of the family responsibilities.
She might be so stressed out and she's lashing out. Sometimes women have issues expressing feelings as well. The issue I have is that men Sometimes don't want the woman coming back to him with issues she has with him. He just wants to be the one to have the issue. It's giving controlling vibes when men do that.
I've been married 20 years. In our early years we resolved most of our conflicts through letters and email. Sometimes you have to try different forms of communication. As a bonus we go back and read them years later and it's always hilarious.
Good point. If my wife wants me to remember an event, its easier to email me so I can put it on my calendar. I’ll also send email reminders that are more effective than a text or passing word. I’ve stopped text fighting because it goes nowhere. Email fighting would likely be the same. Direct calm conversation is the best way for me.
🔥This one sank fast and furious. 😢 Dr. John is off the mark; the condescending comments are crazy. She’s the one holding down the fort and dealing with the daily, he flies in and wants happy pants, meanwhile she’s tired/frustrated/and lonely. Ever been next to your spouse and yet a mile away in energy. She’s probably ready to find how to get out and find a marriage that is more balanced and stable. But hey, he doesn’t ‘like’ her. 😂
She’s overwhelmed! Have some empathy & change your tone. Step up as a husband and father! It amazes me that men like to have such big opinions when they are barely around. A woman treats you how you treat her!
He's annoyed when she wants to reconnect? She's drowning as a single parent. Sounds like he just wants a maid and occasional sex partner whenever he waltzes in from his adventures. John didnt ask him enough about what he's doing as a husband and father. Or if he's having an affair being away so much
Hmm sorry but I hear , wife home alone with toddler doing everything with no support while husbands away . Husband comes home and is wondering why thing aren't all about him and wife is cranky and stressed and probably suffering from some kind of depression . Knowing she's about to be judged and her husband doesn't like her . Ffs talk to the poor woman with empathy and don't make it all about what you need . I think she needs something from you more like .
He's pissed because his wife and household aren't to his standards. She's burned out, plain tired, and broken mentally and physically. Her treatment of other people outside of their family unit is an example if this. Your wife is not ok.
His advice here misses the mark so badly. First of all the wife likely has undiagnosed and untreated ADHD which can manifest in not paying attention as well as impulse control issues and angry outbursts. This poor woman is at home alone with a young child half of the time while her husband is traveling and the other half of the time she is desperately trying to connect with and please her husband. John is giving advice on how the husband can dump more things on her to worry about and fix rather than encouraging him to have some patience and understanding. She likely needs medication and/or therapy for ADHD and probably more help at home to manage life while her husband is traveling!
I agree to some extent. It took someone to bring to my attention my behavior before I even THOUGHT about having ADHD. I'm glad my loved one said something so that I could work on me, and in turn, work with my husband on our relationship.
She feels that contempt. He thinks she doesn't notice but she does. I guarantee you if she doesn't hear what he's saying on a car ride it's because she's worrying about what he thinks about her. He's never home and he acts like he hates her and to her she probabaly thinks he's found someone else. That's just how women can feel when their husband's are never home and then when they are they can't hide their contempt. Then I imagine he snaps at her in public in front of strangers which makes her feel even worse about their relationship. So he notices her being mean to strangers while he sees nothing wrong with saying things at her in front of those same people. She's frazzled with a 3 year old while he lives like they don't exist for the most part.
The vast majority of the comments on the full video are spot on! Take a moment to watch the full version then read the comments…John missed the mark on this one, but his audience came through with flying colors!! Anyone who has walked in similar shoes of this wife will have recognized the situation immediately!!!
When I said these words to the guy I was dating that’s when I knew it was time to let it go. “I don’t think you like me” that hurt to say out loud to him
@@iamjessie.bI get it. Sometimes a person will be with you to get benefits. Seggs, money, place to stay, and even just not to be alone., but they don’t like you or you’re just not “the one”. You deserve someone who likes and loves you. To all those who will listen, taking seggs off the table really helps to see things more clearly.
Oh honey, this was me. And my husband is the same way. We’ve been married a decade and he went to alcohol for a few years to deal with it and then I realized my marriage was worth more. Have you told her any of these feelings. She’s emotionally snappy because she either doesn’t have a Community or she misses you and doesn’t think she matters.
I can guarantee that there is a huge lack of intimacy and connection, and that's why she's lashing out . She feels the rejection and disconnect since he's always gone . He's definitely not being 100% honest and shifting the blame all on her. I know this story to well . Smh
The more I listen the more I wonder what may have happened. It could him being gone all of the time and yes it’s work but was he giving? Did he acknowledge her while he was away? Especially if they have children.
I wish John asked if there's someone else in mind at the moment, sometimes that's the catalyst for someone getting help when their mind and eyes start to "wonder"
My husband traveled for work almost every week for 2-4 days the first half of our marriage. It wasn't so bad before we had kids, but once we did, it was completely chaotic and overwhelming in every way. That was with my parent's helping me with the kids as much as they could when he was gone. Every week was an adjustment to him leaving, getting into a routine, being both mommy and daddy, just when you get into a bearable rhythm, not a good one just doable, he'd be back and throw a wrench in the whole thing. We all had to adjust and it was hard, worst than when he would go, the kids would act out horribly, just so much confusion. We would get I to the swing of things, and then again, have to revert back once he was gone again. I was a mess, the kids were a mess. Every week was something to be endured and just get thru, as opposed to something to be experienced and lived to the fullest. I went into survival mode, he did not. There was a huge disconnect. Thankfully, my husband is a wonderful man and pushed harder for a raise so we could hire some help around the house, just to give me a break. Honestly, in hind sight, I think just his understanding and compassion on me was what really helped, not so much the hired help, although that was nice. I definitely felt like I didn't have to just endure all the time. I was and still am thankful for his job, although it definitely was a love hate relationship. He stopped traveling for a living and started working from home after that, and boy was that whole another adjustment! But, I love having him here with us rather than on the road all the time. Much easier on our family dynamics, and not feeling like a parttime single parent. It was so stressful on me and the kids. My husband understood that, and how hard and sometimes damaging that really was. That was the biggest piece for us being able to connect again, as he specifically sought out a career where he wouldn't have to travel so much because of me and the kids. I would say, what this man is feeling or not liking about his wife is just a small percentage of the torment she is going through. He needs to seek to understand first before casting judgment.
Once you allow resentment and contempt into your marriage, you’re in big trouble. Every relationship has this temptation. The tempting door to resentment is always present, both parties need to choose to not walk through it by being bravely honest.
he is not telling u the entire story! he is on to something! he has an eye on another woman n trying to get out of his marriage! she is frustrated bcz she is not getting any affection n love from him so she feels frestrated n probly depressed so sad! now that he is a pilot he might have already cheated on her n doesnt like her anymore!!!
Oops! the good doctor so missed the mark on this. His wife is essentially a single mom and he comes home occasionally and makes the home a stressful place. This guy is a shallow jerk.
How much you want to bet this guy has totally let everything in their relationship go. Hasn't made even the slightest attempt to pursue her or even do the bare minimum in marriage. It is usually this period of time when the husband begins to second guess his choice due to the fact she's checked out. Either way this guy just sounds like he wants to cheat.
Pursue her?? Are you sane? THEY ARE MARRIED, what does a man need to do for you to be enough? Take the stars off the sky until death sets you apart? C'mon. Anyway... in this case probably this guy also needs a change but this comment is why some ladies are called Karen.
@@arko986 yes. I sure hope you're not married hun. Have you ever heard the saying that when you stop pursuing each other it is the beginning of the end? Did you not listen to what the man said in his call? Just from his examples you can tell pretty easily that he isn't in it with his wife. He talks a lot about going out, museums, special outings etc and nothing at all about the day to day realities of a life with children and a family. Nothing about bedtime routines, helping around the house, activities he does with the kids solo, anything special he's done for his wife, or literally anything that wasn't about just him. How exactly do you think one keeps the romantic/intimate nature of a marriage "alive" without the pair continuing to date and pursue each other? She is clearly doing so despite his lack of effort towards the marriage. He called... and he did not mention a single thing he has done to help his marriage. Aside from calling this show anyway.
@@sarahalderman3126 I agree with everything you said on this message, I just think word pursue might not be the right one here, its as you never committed, as you never allowed your partner in, acknowledge him.... basically what marriage should represent. I wouldn't even reply to your comment if you mentioned from the start that they BOTH stopped pursuing each other. Then that word wouldn't matter as much as it applies to both whatever it is. If you are saying they both gave up here as it seems I would agree with you.
@3:39 this caller just described hormone imbalance. Messed up short term memory and agitation are signs of health issues. I bet she is in the postpartum window
I just broke up with my boyfriend, because i knew he doesn't like me anymore. I'm the one who said that it's over between us, he doesn't say anything, he doesn't deny it. It hurts, but i don't wanna hurt myself more, and i don't wanna spend my time with a person who doesn't like me. And if my husband said he doesn't like me, man i better leave.
You are wise! Be very careful of who you marry. And never forget who you are and know your worth. It doesn’t matter if you’re ex didn’t know it.. you do and you know what he came close to having but he’s stupid. You deserve to be loved and you are smart enough to know when you’re getting less than what you deserve
This guy doesn't deal with this an adult because of his job but allows his son to be exposed to these behaviors. Her entire life changes when he is home, he doesn't talk about daily things once in this call, he mentions going to a museum, dealing with others outside the home, it's always something different and special when he's home as far as is mentioned. That can be exhausting...
This just sounds like he's expecting her to raise his kids, care for his house, care for him and do everything he wants and remember everyt he says. Leave this cπnty man.
Hey guys, the lady has ADHD. You don't know it, she doesn't know it, so it's untreated. Get her the help she needs and things could be totally different. Can't believe you didn't pick up on this John.
He most likely did. I’ve heard that he’s stopped putting labels on thing as much as looking at the behaviors and treating those symptoms. Delony has adhd but he doesn’t treat people with disrespect, nor does he not listen to his wife! It’s not an excuse for her behavior so that’s probably why John didn’t label it that because then that’s just giving her a pass to her unacceptable behavior.
@@Nikki-ks6wi Like I said he mentioned he has cut back on suggesting diagnosis because in some ways it can give the callers wife a pass for her unacceptable behavior.
I'm gonna go ahead and say that this guy does not love or like his wife. He finds her personality annoying and repulsive, to the extent that he loves her, he probably loves things she does for him, like raise his kid.
The excuse of not liking your wife because of how she treats others in public… lame There’s more going on he’s not being upfront about everything and he’s just blaming her and taking no accountability. Sounds like he doesn’t care at all about how she’s doing as a person and only cares about himself and how he feels
A disconnected husband, he is not used to coexistence with a realistic, exhausted, tired, almost single mother. Why? Because he hangs out mostly with men who are neither emotional nor sensitive, nor tired, nor looking for emotional support and closeness. Of course he doesn't love her and like her because he's not close with her. He did not develop closeness and understanding. Also, he can't accept her human flaws and he won't be able to do that with any woman. He has been in the army for too long, and has communicated mostly with men for too long, and he doesn't have the courage to talk to her honestly. Why? He has not developed and cannot develop that level of closeness in marriage.
He is having the seven-year-itch. Don't destroy your son's life for nothing. Just stay with her. You're never at home anyway. You sound like you want to cheat...
he's not lacking attraction to her as his desire for her is only hampered by her attitude. its not an itch or wandering eye at all. she has personality issues that he likely didn't notice whilst being so attracted to her that are now becoming painful and embarrassing.
He’s away from home for weeks then cringes when she wants intimacy??? Wow, he’s already cheating and blaming wife on her “attitude”. It’s a vicious cycle she needs to get out of. She deserves a better man.
Marriage takes a lot of forgiveness and effort. So she's not perfect, I guarantee that he isn't either. The lashing out at strangers is unacceptable and embarrassing for sure and I would gently make sure that she knows that. You're both going to have to really develop your conflict resolution and teamwork skills if you want to stay married. And...if you don't even love her then you may as well call it off now and stop wasting time. The honeymoon phase doesn't last long so love and maturity make all the difference.
Dr. John, I am extremely disappointed by how you did not address his consistent lack of participation (job related) in his marriage and family. I feel this a large component to his wife's behavior. Additionally, the caller never mentions his own actions or behavior (or lack thereof) in the marriage. His actions/behaviors could be the foundation for the actions/behaviors of his wife. I'm not taking accountability away from the wife and her behavior or actions. She, of course, is responsible for what she chooses to do or how to behave. However, I feel this whole "I'm just an innocent bystander" stance in my dysfunctional marriage that is taken by the caller is total selfish, non-accountability bs.
The advice is wrong. Easy to say “tell her how you feel” but you have to understand who you are saying this to. A woman isn’t going to take that right and advice like this will get you down a path of divorce. The man loves her, he doesn’t like her behaviour, the lack of respect, he doesn’t like who her character is. The only logical way to deal with this, is to approach her and say, we should see a counsellor to help bond us better, make it feel it, the problem is you, otherwise she won’t agree or she will take it the wrong way. 100%. Don’t follow this man’s advice and sit her down and say “I don’t like who you are”, trust me, you are pressing the red button to a nuclear bomb my man.
You might be 100% right... but who wants to sleep next to a nuclear bomb every night. Saying it as he is wrong will just empower her and the blast will eventually happen for sure. This guy is crying for help, some things cant be helped and his marriage might be one of those things.
@@arko986 his wife isn’t complaining about him. He’s the one who is seeing her and going “I don’t like this woman, I love her but I don’t like her attitude etc”. There is a difference here and my point isn’t specific to him, it’s how all women are. Mentally men and women are different and it’s about understanding and navigating the right way, no woman is going to change for a man, trust me. It doesn’t work that way. She will only understand when a professional tells her there are issues to fix. For him to love her shows she isn’t horrible all of the time, he did say he loves her, it’s just some things about her he dislikes and he doesn’t like her character. He can’t fix that, she won’t accept it. 100%
@@rudra7615 the fact you need a professional to say it tells me it's not man/woman difference here..... Sometimes it's not about the gender, people have issues, bad features, mental stability issues, I don't think he is honest when he says he loves her, and I don't think she loves him either because if she did, at leasts she would listen and remember a conversions she has with this "love" of her life. Lashing out at someone, stranger due to small things in public is far beyond gender, it's just not normal. We all have things going on, we don't yell at people at the restaurant, museum etc. She is not happy, he is not happy, they just need time to admit it to each other.
@@arko986 each to their own but I think you are assuming women and men are similar. 100% they aren’t. Take a simple things like arguments, men would rather argue the topic at hand but women will bring everything that happened the past 5 years into the same argument. It’s how they are. The aspect of the professional being brought in, is merely because some would rather hear it from someone else than their closest ones. Sure that may not be a gender specific thing but most of the time, a woman would rather hear her problems from someone else than her partner. A guy can take it. I’m not trying to turn this into a gender specific thing but that is an aspect. I’m just stating based on how she sounds. And trust me, there are people who would argue with strangers like waiters…with no connection to them having a bad day etc, some people are like that. It’s their nature as they grew up that way. Not every persons behaviour is down to how they are feeling that day or whether they were pissed at their partner, some people are certain way due to their conditioning. But they we just have differing opinions. I’ve lived long to understand how some women are as I speak from experience, but that’s my experience. Each to their own!
@@arko986This man only focuses on her flaws and puts it back in her face. His focus is solely on her flaws, that is all he pays attention to. He needs to change his way and take accountability for how he is contributing in their marriage. Being highly critical is destructive not constructive. He refuses to take her on dates, all he could say is let's make this date, a time to connect rather than attack each other. Organize it to show he wants to spend that time with her. Right now she feels neglected by him. He is not man enough for that unfortunately. He thinks he does nothing wrong, just is listening to him, we can hear loud and clear he abandoned his responsibilities as husband and was trying to get a confirmation for a way outta. He has been putting no effort for a while to build his marriage.
Since when does one need an app to enter a museum??? Honestly this world has gone so "smart" that its missed the mark and gone dumber. The wife sounds exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally, running on fumes, possibly female health issues that medicine refuses to look into... I hope the caller reads the comments because they did a much better job than John in this instance.
Maybe she cares too much for him to his shortcomings. I'm just saying it's true you put one finger at somebody you've got three pointing back at you.I went through a 12-step program and help me look at things differently. Mostly take a look at myself and I was so shocked to find how self-centered and selfish I was. I thought I was the most loving person in the world and it was always the other person's fault. P of course as a male he can easily say know she likes me LOL because personally it doesn't sound like she's very happy with him.
@@RepentImmediately I know.. A year ago I moved back to my home country in Eastern Europe where life is still somewhat simpler and all this developed country stuff seems sooo unnecessary and pointless... Horrifying future ahead.
It sucks every entertainment place now you have to have "mobile" tickets. It's ridiculous especially when the internet isn't working or phone doesn't connect right.
Does she have ADHD? Sounds like she has ADD. Zoning out is common for women like me with ADD. We don't do it on purpose. We don't mean to not listen. It is a coping mechanism for stress.Connection does solve and help with it. Lack of organization and shame stresses out women with ADD and can lead to explosion.
