This is very recognizable. To lie is to protect yourself. I feel very guilty about it. For not being easy going, not being more sociable, for not being there when needed, for not saying the right stuff, for letting loved ones down. Even in my dreams I feel overwhelmed. A year and a half ago I learned that I’m on the Autism Spectrum, but I have a bad time dealing with it. I spend more than fifty years trying to be, what I call, “normal”. Now I have the facts, limitations and reasons to excuse myself from what I think people are expecting of me. But I can’t …
"Even in my dreams I feel overwhelmed" I get that one totally - I have cyclical, recurring anxiety dreams that leave me more tired than when I went to sleep. These are mostly related to having let others down, especially "loved" ones in my past. They also intrude on waking life, those moments that we wished we had been "better", more understanding of other's needs and less avoidant of them. I was diagnosed earlier this year, at 53, and am finding it so hard to give up the damaging coping mechanisms and the guilt and shame engendered by failing to meet other's expectations and needs, despite diagnosis. I have not yet shared my diagnosis with most of those who "know" me IRL (including some immediate family) due partly to the stigma and shame attached to such a label for those of us of a certain age, but also due to my own internalised ableism (from 50 yrs of masking/making do). I just can't...
@@smicketysmoo I totally relate, and like you and @Megan Mahoney, I'm 58 and recently diagnosed, although, I'm finding it difficult to digest. I've also been masking/making do for all these years, and I don't really want another 'label'? Idk? I also drank alcohol and used all kinds of drugs. A lot. Oh boy, tmi, I know! I've been sober for years (20 +) and at least it helps me understand more of the "why?" of my life now. So, it is helpful to know what drives me and makes me who I am. What matters more is that I'm okay, just the way I am. I don't know a whole lot about being on the spectrum but I had been researching Asperger's a while back, as someone mentioned it about my adult child. I am now convinced they're on the spectrum and, come to think of it, I see a lot of similar characteristics and coping mechanisms throughout my entire family! I feel like we all have mental "un"health at some time in our lives, like anxiety, depression, OCD (rituals we follow?), etc., but it's how it effects our every day life that makes it a problem, or a diagnosis, maybe. Especially, seeing so many people like myself here. And, we're definitely not alone! Like, what is normal? A setting on a washing machine? That's the only thing I know that's "normal" for sure. Maybe we're "normal", and other's need a diagnosis of some sort, or everything and everyone is normal? Lol. Who knows!? Well, thank you so much for sharing everyone! I appreciate you all so much! Take care and love who you are no matter what! : )
Congrats on the book! I was recently diagnosed as autistic at 35 years old, and my 8 year old daughter is also autistic. I am completely relearning who I really am because of years of masking, so your video is very refreshing. Thank you!
I’m 46 and only just recently discovered that I may be autistic. I don’t have a diagnosis and likely won’t get one. I find it difficult to share my explanation of having autism with most people simply because I don’t have a diagnosis. I feel like people will think I’m making things up. I’ve only shared this with a few family members and a friend. My parents don’t seem to believe me. It doesn’t surprise me but it lets me know that I can’t talk to them about it. So I have to be careful how I word things with them. So basically I have to continue to lie to them because they don’t want to hear the truth. This whole thing makes my anxiety even worse.
Yeah (sigh), I have gone/going through similar. Have luckily managed to get diagnosis (in my 50's) but parents are ignoring/denying it. It makes conversations with them quite difficult and anxiety inducing to say the least. Self diagnosis is completely valid when facing the difficulties in getting a diagnosis later in life (and for various other valid reasons - such as lack of resources/gender/ethnicity/ and all too many others). I hope your situation improves
I'm in a very similar situation. One of the things I try to do to cope a little better with the whole situation is start being (more) truthful about little things without mentioning it (possibly) being related to autism. For example "I'm sorry I can't go to this specific event because I'm very sensitive to loud noises" or "sorry I'd really really rather text than talk on the phone because phone calls make me anxious" or "I cannot spend more than 20 mins in the supermarket because otherwise I will get overwhelmed by all the sensory input which makes me anxious and unable to make good decisions" or "I've spent all my energy for today, I can't do any sort of meet up/activity tonight" People who are my friends will accept this, and people who don't accept those explanations are - well, not my friends and it's better to limit contact with them anyway. (this goes mostly for non-work related environments because work is a whole story of its own...)
I can relate with this. I don't know for sure if I am autistic, but I can relate in ways with those that are. I have opened up to a few close people in my life, that I think I may be autistic, but no one is convinced that I am. I wish I knew for sure if I was autistic, just so I could put a name to the problem, but I don't know that I ever will and having people around me that think I am fine, doesn't always encourage me to make that step. Not that I blame them, but it does leave me feeling like, "Why bother?"
I think “lying” ties in a bit with alexithymia for me too. Like if someone sees me staring into space and asks if something’s wrong or how I’m feeling, not having an answer can cause misunderstandings. So I’ll say *something* even if I don’t really know. Do I feel happy? Sad? I don’t know, flip a coin 😂
I also feel the same. It’s especially bad with very social stuff like birthdays. One birthday in particular someone gave me a gift, realized it was the wrong one, & took it back. Having to pretend I didn’t actually care (at 8) and was not both furious & hurt I didn’t deserve the present they gave me at first, was a mess. I learned to pretend I don’t care about gifts. Now I’m pretty blunt. Got asked yesterday when we were celebrating my birthday if it was “the best birthday ever?” And just responded, “nope, it’s not even close, & today isn’t my actual birthday. You guys did great, I’m just not feeling it.” I feel like that’s a big step to actually be honest. Or like: “I hate this dress you got me, I have huge sensory issues with polyester. If you want to know what I like, I’ll just send you a list of what fits my specifications, & then surprise me with which one you pick.” Being open about being autistic with my boss and closest coworkers really lets me tell them “yeah no, I’m burnt out and will have to quit if you need me to work that much overtime. It’s not a possibility.” In the past, lying about my discomfort got me into really bad situations too, including abusive ones bc I thought I was just being irrational having a gut feeling something was wrong. It’s led to a lot of people pushing past my boundaries & me pretending that’s fine bc I don’t feel confident enough to put my foot down. Being pregnant I’ve been really trying to consider how I can be more honest (bc I’d like my kid to know they can be.) I think it’s helping that being pregnant ppl expect you’ll have some trouble so if you’re asked: “how you feeling?” “Completely exhausted” is an acceptable answer. And I don’t think it’s the little kid making me tired, it’s the almost meltdown I’m having.
@@s.o.5606 I’m obviously not bitter at all. (Jk) That wasn’t the first toxic thing that family did nor the last. Pity I didn’t know that then: would have said exactly what I thought, “you’re a thief and a liar.”
@@meriadocbrandybuck9833 👍🏻 Kinda reminds me when I kinda had to give 1 of my toys away to 1 of my cousins... I was maybe about 7-ish idk.... I didn't even play with that toy anyway, but it was from my Gramma & she was my best friend & I felt kinda like "how dare they" lol... Kinda funny to think about it now, but yeah... I'm pretty sure my gramma bought me more stuff to replace it & I was always the favorite & my grandparents gave me extra stuff later when my cousins left lol... But when ur a kid, it's hard to realize all that stuff I guess...
@@elizabethCorkins83 I think for me, a major factor was that I was much more attached to toys and my stories with them than to any of the kids I played with.
Hey Olivia I want to thank you. I've been using your videos as part of my autism research and you have helped me discover that I am most likely on the spectrum. And I wanted to thank you making me feel good about that. Also 🎉 congratulations 🎉 on your book.
Oooh, yes. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 58(two years ago). I related so much to everything you said. Thank you so much for the honesty in this, and all your great videos. Getting diagnosed has been a huge relief. I have masked and lied so long, it is automatic. But I’m slowly learning to unmask and be myself, and to finally be honest about things. I can now give “explanations” instead of making things up. It isn’t always easy. But it is so much better. Thank you for your transparency and for being a voice for women on the spectrum!
I'm a bit different in that I genuinely care about friends' & family members' daily lives and I desperately want to be involved, but my sensory issues are too extreme to see them in person anymore and all forms of communication are completely overwhelming.
You have empathy. I believe that, and no offense, Olivia lacks empathy. I'm saying this based on watching most of her videos. And for you I'm terribly sorry about where you're at. I know others in my life that are there as well. I learned that very slowly, gradually, and lightly exposing ourselves to what we fear or are overly-anxious about, that we can at least not continue to fall into the behavior, and maybe even begin to improve it a bit at a time. I pray you can find a way to make baby steps to progress. ❤️
The most bothersome component of her lack of empathy is how little she is bothered by it. So many people with asd work with behavioural therapists to get better at at least trying to realize how hurtful their actions are. She wears it like a badge of pride. I also think her new "special interest" is autism in itself. It is not a catch all excuse for terrible behaviour and treating others poorly.
@@LisaPFrampton Yes I think she's talked about that in another video. Not about having no empathy but having low empathy as far as I understood her. This only shows that no/low/high empathy is not a good indicator for if a person has autism or not. I guess one could look at the different types of empathy (cognitive vs. affective empathy), autists often are low on the former but high on the latter.
OMGosh......... You Got Me~~~ I've always been a Big Fat Liar!! OMGosh.!!!!! Yep, that's me. I've used every excuse in the book....and my family KNOWS, I'm a liar............lol.....Ahaa.....thus that's why I'm alone! Holy Cow.... you are amazing. I am so looking forward to your book, Olivia. It has to be my life story also.......except mine has gone on for 71 Years unknowingly. This so explains why I hate a Telephone....I finally feel somewhat vindicated, if only to myself. I'd rather be beat with 40 lashes than to talk on the phone. AND about social situations, on top of being a liar, my family says I'm a hypochondriac....Oh, if only I'd had this diagnosis years ago. It's too late for me. I'm alone. Alone . In a nursing home since March when my hubby died. The "Family" admitted me here and no one.... no one visits. You might say that today, you have saved my life. Thanks for being a Liar.......lol.....
I'm sorry you don't have anyone close to you that can understand why your mind and body react differently to the world than theirs. There are actually probably a lot of older women in similar situations; there needs to be a way to connect you all so you're not isolated. Maybe some groups already exist that I'm not aware of.
Thank you for sharing your experience - you are not alone. Many of us autists, of whatever age or diagnoses type, go through similar issues to you and have often felt alone even in a crowded room. Can't stand telephones, can't understand social situations, are labelled hypochondriacs when they cannot "adequately" explain why their bodies seem to rebel against them whenever demands are imposed upon them by others. Having to lie, whilst hating yourself for doing so, is a difficult place to be - but thanks to Olivia (and her community) we don't have to feel so alone and unseen. You are not alone and neither am I. Thank you.
@@smicketysmoo Thank You so much, Smoo. I'm so grateful to find others like me. You know we've always been alone. This is amazing to me and it lets me know that I'm not a black sheep, just a crooked one. LOL!!! I'm still in shock over this discovery.
Although I personally find lying quite difficult and err in telling too much truth, I know a number of people who do what you are talking about here. NTs may not feel the need to lie about those things as much, because they don't get overwhelmed as much, but they very often lie about why they can't (don't want to) do things, too. Like, all the time.
I also cannot lie. I over-promise because I don't want to let people down or disappoint or give them any ideas that I have many limitations. But then I totally crash and burn from overdoing everything.
I can't stand when people force me to be explicit about something. If I make up an answer in this instance which is rare I don't consider it lying because I consider the pressure to be a transgression. You have a right to a private self and sometimes it's not recognized.
Fair call; learning about boundaries and navigating them can help so much. Terri Coke has a great book and methods for strengthening boundaries that help NT and ND people.
I generally text people, but if I have to make an actual "call"...I hand the cellphone to my husband or give him the information and he calls the person. He then goes into an explanation that I don't talk on the phone and he does all the talking for me if it is needed. I stopped being embarrassed about it after about the 3 meltdown with "waterworks"...THAT embarrassed me a lot more than having my husband talk for me. I wanted to say tho, I love your videos. Thank you for posting them for everyone to see. They have helped me a lot. Thanks again.
I hate talking on the phone, hate making calls. It gives me very high anxiety,panic attack.some times. Even over just making a call for a dentist appointment or something thats not a big deal. Its way easier for me to talk in person, but not on the phone. Makes no sense. I've gotten worse with it as an adult to.
Wow, You are telling my whole life with your words. Eventually, when I thought I had social anxiety that was a great excuse that could be reused, and felt less like a lie when I used it. It still felt a little bit like a lie because sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t want to be around people. It felt like a cop out sometimes when I knew I could stand being social but did not want to be. So yeah, knowing I am neuro diverse has freed me from that emotionally stuck place.
This is soooo true. I do the same thing all the time. I haven't been able to hold down any jobs because every job I qualify for is too people involved. I don't keep any jobs like because it becomes too much for me to handle. I freak out and cry in the bathrooms or I get "sick" and can't come in for days until I get fired. It's so hard to explain to people why I can't do people.
You know people called me in many variegated ways but liar is not one of them, on the contrary the tell me i'm too 'direct' even on unnecessary topics; the fact is i find natural being sincere furthmore in this way i recognize the TRUE friends from the others( essentially everyone i don't want to invest energy, time and money). Do you think that Is mainly the 'sincerity trait' that makes autistic look like they are 'rude' even if it's not intentional(and force use to use a 'mask') or there are others traits that contribute to the collective stereotype? Ps Your smile is always a blessing
Oh my lord! I just found your channel and I literally had this conversation with my husband recently. Your video describes me to a T. I don't even answer the phone or door a lot because I don't want to interact with people. I have to lie and mask at work and am so exhausted emotionally when I get home, I just don't want to deal with anyone.
🎉 Congratulations on your book!! I'm so looking forward to reading it and I'm so thrilled for you! I've always wanted to be an author too and am also writing a book about my autism journey as a late diagnosed woman. The more our voices get out there the more we can help! I'm so happy for you Olivia! Also, I can definitely relate to lying growing up and not knowing why, but I think my lying was more around feeling like I desperately needed help and support and extra TLC but not knowing why or how or even that I deserved it (not knowing I was autistic) so I would lie in ways that were really big cries for help, which was damaging behaviour and even more damaging to self as I didn't know why I was doing it and what was "wrong" with me. As well as the masking lying, trying to fit in and protect people's feelings. It's been deeply healing and a profound relief to now have that explanation as to why I would lie and that destructive attention/help-seeking behaviour. Thank you so much for speaking about this 🙏💖
Growing up autistic in a world that’s not only built for neurotypicals, but in a world that punishes you for not being neurotypical. It makes sense why you any of us would choose to lie. Lying is how we survived. Lying is how we fit in. Lying was expected of us - when no one wanted to listen to our truth.
I’ve had some not-great experiences telling the truth too: Person: You should come over and visit! Me: If I did, how long would you expect me to stay? Would you be providing refreshments or should I bring my own? What other people will be there in your house? If I don’t know them, I’m not comfortable coming. And also you should know that I might suddenly feel like I need to leave for no particular reason and I can’t handle the long goodbye song and dance . So if I just abruptly get up, don’t take offence. Person:…..😮…uhhh…ok…it’s not a huge deal here…but it obviously is too much for YOU. Forget I said anything…
I have one friend only and that's all I can handle. I'm curious as to why you had multiple friends when you really didn't want to see or talk to them. Did you have friends because it was something society told you to do?
Being a "successful" human being in the eyes of others by having a large circle of "friends/contacts/acquaintances" (not entirely sure of the differences between these) existed well before social media gave us a "score" of likes vs dislikes/reTweets/etc. This paradigm has just got more immediately competitive/comparative as technology has evolved. This is not a system that helps the ND community (despite having been largely written by them) especially those with issues such as RSD. But ND's had issues with friendship and other relationships with truth/reality/others' expectations of them long before social media, ableism, or even language existed. That is the "D" in ND (which seems to have existed as long as humanity). But some of us "D"s still often want to experience the "T" as it seems to be the "norm" and so prevalent around us, having been inculcated since birth into the NT world - with all its failings (imo).
I’m 60 , undiagnosed as yet , but recently spoke with a lovely autistic support worker who put together a letter for me to take to my gp as i want to be assessed - the letter was true and to the point EXCEPT, the last sentence which was related to my honesty ! Yes i’m honest generally , but i’ve had to lie so many times for myself and to protect my daughter ,as when i was honest in the past , it backfired , & affected both of us , we were both subject to emotional manipulation , lack of insight into my own self , not understanding my wonderful daughter enough ,- i could go on and on , but though i wish i could be completely honest now , am not quite there yet, still feeling the need to lie, mask and protect .
Olivia could you please do a video about how to get diagnosed and what to expect during the process? I need to get myself and my kids screened but don't know where to begin. TYIA :)
Thanks Olivia! This made me feel so much better about how I grew up. Between masking with different friend groups and lying about why I couldn’t do certain things, I actually began to wonder if I was developing dissociative identity disorder during the months prior to part one of my diagnosis testing. The identity crisis was real! Turns out, part one of that test puts me on the spectrum as a professional opinion of a likely diagnosis. Now I just need to wait for scheduling to open up to finalize that diagnosis on paper. You’ve inspired me so much to keep digging into who I really am, and even get back to writing my book. Congrats on your book! I’ll be looking for it :D
I feel like lying was a big part of me trying to be camouflaged and mask as well. It would even be to the point that I would lie to cover up a lot of my mental health struggles, because I was put in a psyche ward for a period of time. And I learned to lie in order to seem more fine so they would let me out.
Thank you so much for taking time to share your experiences with us. This lying one really resonates with me, firstly I can smell a lie before it’s told and won’t be fooled by anyone, however I lie lie lie 95% of the time when it comes to social events. I really like some people but only tolerable in ‘safe’ settings. And others, ‘my tribe people’ I’ll go anywhere with, with no hesitations. Such a weirdo. So glad to understand who I am now at this late stage in life. I’m really quite entertaining…in my own quiet space 😊
I appreciate this video so much because I was a chronic liar as a teenager. I remember always telling myself that I had to stop lying, it was such a habit that I felt so guilty about. Like you, it was all to avoid hurting people’s feelings because I didn’t know how to justify how I was feeling or that I didn’t want to do something. I never knew why I always lied. Just little white lies all the time. Looking back now I see why since you so amazingly shared your similar story. I mostly got out of the habit at some point, I don’t remember how. But I know how most of my life it’s been almost torture to lie, it is SO HARD!! I don’t know how I did it back then. I can almost NOT lie ever anymore. Again, thank you for this video and all of your others too. You are helping many people. This is one more piece to the puzzle that is putting my whole life together. ❤
Congratulations on the book! Looking forward to it! I used to lie about these kinds of things too, but I observe it as less an autistic trait and more as a result of societal pressure. I know many people who are neurotypical who lie to get out of things. At some point in my life I vowed to stop lying about them because a) it was more embarrassing to be caught in a lie and have to defend myself, and b) maintaining a lie takes SO MUCH MENTAL ENERGY. Also, I HATE finding out I've been lied to and well... be the change you want to see in the world.
Hey Olivia , Thank you so much for this special video. I have wached it few times and felt like you were talking about someone i know😊 I wish you all the best. Dana (from the other side of the world)
I feel u. In my case my fam gave me detailed ED on how to lie so eventually it became easy. Unlearning it was difficult then and i had to do it before getting diagnosed as ASD. Hmm. I love your videos.
@@wintergray1221 That's pretty invalidating. Sorry they do that to you. Most things we do because we're Autistic. It's not an excuse at all. It's an explanation.
Thank you for this! I work with a young man with ASD, and he lies to me. I would often wonder why, made no sense to lie about the little things (to me) that he was lying about. This is very enlightening. Thank you again A question: Should I confront him and tell him that it's wrong to lie, or would that be damaging or rude?
Thank you so much for posting these amazing videos, I love learning new things about myself and my bestfriend hes autistic and these answer so many questions for me bless you sweet angel I'm so glad your here to help so many🤩
Hmm, I'm sure I do that and have done that but generally I find it annoying when other people do that lol its just really hard to tell nowadays becuase there are people that will lie for actually really bad and hurtful reasons but I wouldn't put what you're saying in that category I would just call it masking.
Eventually nobody invited me out 😅. My partner see through my lies on the phone and I always hurt his feelings because I never want to talk on the phone.
I'm newly self diagnosed at 42 and have an appointment to get an official diagnosis. I have trouble lieing or even exaggerating. I do now see I've masked a ton in my life but the difference I think for me, is I wasn't even aware I was doing it. I now see I was even lieing to myself to be more normal, even though it often made me miserable. But intentionally lieing isn't something I can do easily (even white lies.)
I can't remember the lies specific but I agree, I was aware at the time that I would have called myself a compulsive liar to try to fit in. When I said "no more", I feel like my friend count only marginally decreased, but I had so few friends to begin with...
Yeah I’ve created fabrications in the past in order to fit in and mask 💀😂 I was always so confused when people would say autistic people can’t lie. Cause that’s not me
I also have an aversion to phone calls! I hated lying, it goes against my nature, but I self medicated as a coping mechanism and still do. I'm 50 and don't know that I'll ever be able to change that, it's pretty ingrained at this point:(
Im 47 and seem to have a LOT of these traits. Always making up white lies to avoid unwanted social interactions, even with the ones I love. However, I have always valued long deep phone convos with my dearest friends where there's no small talk, but we talk about deeper topics we're both in to. Sometimes I tend to dominate the conversation and direct it towards my own experiences at the expense of the listener almost as a form of venting and validation. But I recognize this is unfairly one sided; I often just can't seem to help it. So in my "friendships" I tend to prefer deep phone convos over meeting in person somewhere where I might grow bored and disinterested with so much small talk very quickly. But I could talk all night on the phone as long as I feel like I'm leading the convo in ways that help me release frustrations or bonding with someone over special interests of mine. Just curious if anyone else who's on the spectrum reading this can relate? Because I understand the majority of comments about hating small talk, but do any of you enjoy deep phone conversations with a close friend just to kill time and feel less lonely? Just still trying to figure out if I'm truly on the spectrum. Thank you so much. ❤
I find it more friendly to Autie/ADHD...talking on the phone. Automatically eliminates eye contact; facial expression masking and decoding; stem masking. No going out into loud, crowds, or environmental extras. I can just be in my own chosen environment and have more personalized contact than writing back and forth. Easier to chat about special interest, info dump, overshare, bring up off beat topics lol and feel heard. And easier to listen and have the other person feel heard.
You're very brave for admitting to lying. I have always been super honest, even as a child, and found lying to be such a high-maintenance activity that I pretty much always opted to be honest. Even so, hearing you explain this all brought me back to when I was in like second grade and one day I got a phone call from a classmate. I was a complete nerd and didn't really hang out with friends so this caught me way off guard. My sister answered and told me it was for me and who it was and I panicked and said "tell her I'm not home". A LIE! My sister was annoyed with me of course, but I could not bring myself to talk on the phone with this person. Nothing against her, just wasn't really socially prepared for phone calls. I'd never gotten phone calls! Why is someone calling me?! What would I say?!? No, I could not do it. It's weird to realize this was all autism staring me in the face, but no one had a clue.
That would be difficult. I was diagnosed at age 2, so this is an interesting concept. I think you described it pretty accurately. People with autism lie but not with bad intentions.
4 years ago, before I knew I was autistic, I stabbed myself in the torso because I could not come up with a valid enough excuse for quitting my cashier job at Sobeys. My parents kept pressuring me to work a part time job in high school. I was already under a lot of stress and a customer service job pushed me over the edge. 45 minutes into my shift I could feel myself having a meltdown. There was no way I could have stayed another 7 hours. I told my supervisor I had to leave for a family emergency. She yelled at me for using my phone and tried forcing me to stay with threats. I was spiralling out of control, so I just left. I was falling apart. I hated myself for not being able to work such a basic low-entry level job. I knew my parents wouldn't understand. I couldn't handle the expectations anymore. I felt pathetic. I felt like a failure. So I plunged a knife into my side. After realizing what I had done, I drove myself to the hospital. I didn't want to die, I just wanted help, but no one was listening to me. Afterwards, my parents started taking my mental health more seriously
@Mp yeah I don't believe that, autism is not something that can be cured - especially not with an herbal supplement. Autistic people have neurobiological structural and functional differences than non-autistic people. Meaning our brains are built differently and operate differently. The point of therapy is not to cure autism, but give autistic people skills to better function in a neurotypical society or talk about how autistic people are mistreated in a neurotypical society and deserve to take up space, make noise, and be their authentic selves
@Mp l didn't hurt myself because I'm autistic. I hurt myself because the people in my life were putting way too much pressure on me and wouldn't let me have authority over my own decisions. The same thing happens to neurotypical people everything single day (1 man every 14 minuets). Instead of trying to change people, society should support people
I'm very sorry to hear what you had to go through. I can relate to some degree (thoughts of self harm just to have an "excuse" to leave a totally overwhelming situation). I hope you have a better life now.
@@anniestumpy9918 awe thank you. My life is much better. My parents have come a long way with how they view mental health and we have a better relationship now
My (diagnosed only as autistic) fiance is a kleptomaniac and pathological liar. He stole so much from my house and messed my head up because i trusted him, He is bringing the stuff back but i need information on this. My autistic friend before him used me. I helped him and then he betrayed me and smeared me after all i did and trusted him. Please leave replies with video links i can watch. There is so little information and i am so hurt after all this
I find that as i get older I make up more excuses not to go some where or do something, or be around people. I noticed that when.ive told someone the truth that i just dont want to go then they get mad and keep going on and on trying to make me go. I cant stand that, to me thats wrong. So yes i have lied since people dont seem to have respect over me saying the truth.
I think this may be a point on which high and low masking autistics can really hurt each other. I find it exceedingly difficult to make any statement that I don't 100% believe to be true in practically any context; the one time that I recall lying to one of my parents there was a physical sensation that hit me as I uttered the lie, because I was plowing through so many deep seated inhibitions. If I'm not sure of something, I have to either hedge or put off answering until I'm sure. If something isn't tactful, I have to either find an acceptable way of saying it, or shut up entirely. Lying itself is too uncomfortable, I'm too lazy to keep track of what I've told to who, and, going the other way, dealing with deliberate falsehoods utterly trashes my ability to make sense of the world around me. The biggest way that I can and do mask is simply to hide: being an autistic extrovert is rough, so the solution is not to talk to people. No lies necessary: just don't let the extroverted part of yourself see the light of day. You can't recharge that way, but your supply of energy will last forever, right? (*collapses into burnout*). A low-masking autistic's brutal honesty can make a high-masking autistic feel that their good graces with the surrounding NTs are threatened by their blunt friend's mannerisms. If the low-masker ever catches the high-masker in a lie, it can seriously damage the relationship by calling into question everything the low-masker thinks they know about the high-masker.
Olivia - this actually points out the difference between autistic people and social-instinct people. Social-instinct people believe that lying is normal and morally correct. They would never admit to lying, because in their minds, lying for social reasons isn't lying. As an autistic person, I can see that lying isn't just a moral failing, it is dysfunctional. The more lies there are, the more distrust there is in a relationship or in society. If you've ever gotten into trouble for relying on the word of someone else, it's easy to see how this creates weakness in organizations. The ultimate evil horror is when people are incited into a stupid war or genocide by lying propaganda. Tragically, most wars and genocides have this as their root cause.
yeah I can relate. even though I wouldn't have thought I was a big liar growing up, I definitely lied to maintain a mask, trying to protect other's feelings or say the right things... of course I didn't always get it right. usually my lying came in the form of just saying less, omitting information. I was a very quiet child, though often it was because I couldn't keep up with the conversation because of slower processing time. anyway I don't think I ever outright lied but I kind of lied by not saying the whole truth or focusing on certain parts of the truth. I tried to hide the imperfections in my life. I am trying to be better these days but still struggle with knowing how much to share.
"Hey, actually, I don't want to talk on the phone..." Is that an autistic thing? I HATE talking on the phone. I MUCH prefer text and email. I've got a friend who called and left a message after Hurricane Ian moved through my area, and a week later, I still haven't returned his message because I'm dreading the phone call. I'm kinda a shit friend in large part because I hate phone calls.
I’m having trouble watching one of your videos and I am a member ? Can you please help me fix this issue I’m having I have become a RU-vid member just so I could watch a video you have on e jobs.. you know which one ?
I have always lied about really dumb little things that spiraled out so I had to craft all these stories to cover up the initial (mostly every single time again very meaningless small things or excuses as to why I can't do something)
@Mp please stop commenting on all of my responses, you cannot even use correct grammar and clearly have no idea what you're speaking of and I don't know why you're targeting my comments😅. This makes me want to go on a tirade so badly and I am fighting myself to not waste time on it haha
I lie a lot probably from not wanting to hurt people’s feeling. So I just tell them what I think they want to hear even if it’s not true. Been working on it but yea. I lie
Yes you liwd but i guess you felt terrible about it or wondering why you would always have to put you in such situations and as you said you couldnt explain why.. so technically it is not lying. Lying is conscious not forced upon you... so i feel camouflaging is different from lying or at least explaining aside how it made you feel and how you felt compelled to lie is very important ! It is very different from a person who lies on purpose to get something
If you are writing a book, please, please forthrightly oppose the trend that is convincing autistic girls (and boys, but more often girls) that they are "trans" or "nonbinary" and adults providing harmful and life changing medical and social alterations. This is one of the gravest issues facing the autistic community and many have fallen for a destructive gender ideology that has many aggressive activists. I remember when you defended in some inoffensive and normal way that men and women are not interechangeable and the activists got very aggressive in your comments and you had to shut down comments. But it profoundly needs to be said, and I am autistic woman too. We're different from neurotypical women and that is OKAY and we don't need to be forced into a mold of stereotypical femininity but all of us who lack the Y chromosome are 100% legit women including our brain and mind and all the rest of us. Just like everyone with a Y chromosome is a legit man.
What makes you like the puzzle piece? I personally get sick to my stomach when I see it used in relation to Autism. AS is such an awful organization. #ICanSpeakForMyself #ActuallyAutistic
It looks like it needs to be said that AS isn't the sole owner of puzzle pieces. Never have been and never will be. You and you alone are responsible for how you perceive something. If you are the one with a problem here, why should someone else explain to you why they don't have your same problem? It's your own reflection that's necessary here, not theirs. AS uses only ONE puzzle piece, while Olivia's necklace clearly has TWO. Perspective really is everything, and I am so glad I already know that; for me, it's made life much easier.
@@treesapgrl I definitely asked her, not you. It is obviously associated with AS and she said she's "Team Puzzle Piece." I asked why. Not sure how any of that is your business. Do you really think I don't know that puzzle pieces are a thing outside of AS? I'm Autistic, not stupid.
@@keen8271 you sure about the last part? I would bet my hard-earned money you're both. Not sorry. You apparently don't know how offensive your own hashtags are but you want to talk about others offending you? Not surprised actually. Not surprised at. all. Do you know what SOCIAL platform means? How about the word public? If you want to talk directly to Olivia, do it, otherwise you will get informed when your erroneous behavior acts up. Case in point. Back to your incredibly offensive hashtags, though... it sure looks like you're unaware how there are many ASD'ers who *can't* speak, so maybe you should get off your high AF horse, I-can-speak-for-myself -actually-autistic-Keen. Stat would be nice, thaaaaaaaaanks. P.S. You literally put yourself on blast for assuming, which alone proves my point, and I kinda uber love that.
@@nunyabiznuss5280I could not agree more. It's OK, though; we just have to deal because it *doesn't* bother Keen... *only* things that bother Keen matter. When you make a ______ comment on social media, you win an equally ______ prize. Periodt. 🤷🏾♀️
I would lie a lot to my peers when I was younger to do with masking and fitting in, I got picked on a lot and lying seemed like the only option to blend in and escape notice. Up until 5th grade, a day that no one pointed me out or laughed at me was a good day. I made my first good friends that year and slowly eased out of the lying tendencies (because when you actually have friends that know you.. the lies are easier to spot, and you have a lot more to lose). To be fair there was also the aspect of religious shame that probably helped me overcome the habit as well since lying also felt sinful. 🫤 As I grew to embrace myself and take pride in who I was I ended up swinging in the opposite direction. I am fiercely dedicated to truth telling in my life now and I think I probably relate more to the brutally honest stereotype then that of someone who lies. Again that's now and I can understand how feeling the need to make excuses can feel dishonest especially if it's to people you really care about.
Coming to terms with the way I am wired and accepting that as OK has made a huge difference for me. I don't need a label for it to defend myself. But discovering that there is a label has been helpful like not fighting the laws of gravity. Autistic brains and behaviors are like that, developing skills in self respect and honoring our differences is a kind way to be.
Hey Olivia , Thank you so much for this special video. I have wached it few times and felt like you were talking about someone i know😊 I wish you all the best. Dana (from the other side of the world)
I relate to this so much. I was constantly making up excuses for why I couldn’t attend something because telling them “I’m so anxious that if I step one foot in your house I will burst into uncontrollable sobs” was too embarrassing. I also feel like I’m lying, even though everyone does it, when people ask me “How are you?” I HATE that question because it’s basically like asking “Tell me a lie about your life so I can feel like I did my duty in asking.” Because everyone knows you’re not supposed to REALLY answer that question. They don’t really want to know about the crappy things in your life (and with undiagnosed autism everything was always hard for me) but they still ask. It’s expected I will say, “I’m good! How are you?” But I’m not good and I don’t want to tell you I am. I feel like such a liar in those situations. I hate small talk. I prefer big talk 😂
Most of my life I've been doing well enough that an automatic "fine" was workable without feeling too much like a lie, but the last four years or so things haven't been so great, and I've come up with "well enough". It doesn't actually say that you're doing well, just that you're surviving, but it applies when you're doing great, so it doesn't bum people out when they hear it.
I always want to know why people act a certain way, so that I can understand them (and myself) better…and it helps in understanding people and making decisions in future situations. Thanks for this video and congrats on your book!
Recognise this behaviour in myself so much! Wish it was not so, but it is what it is. Have always thought this was but a part of my masking too, but was so ashamed of it. Thank you for saying all this, recognised myself in your words, which both challenged me and comforted at the same time. Really helped me deal with my recent dx in so many ways - including imposter syndrome. Will definitely check on your book. Good luck with it! I am sure that it will help as much as your posts/videos have done for me.
Congratulations on the book! With regards to the necklace - aren't puzzle pieces associated with Autism Speaks? Apologies if that's incorrect, but perhaps not a positive symbol if they are. I think we often have to resort to 'lying' when we either don't understand stuff ourselves or know that people won't understand or accept the true explanation. I'm the queen of saying I'm sick when I'm really just too nervous to go to stuff.
I will be reading your book! thanks ! I'm 59 years old and learning so much from you. you are my hero. I have sooo many traits that you talk about. I always knew that I was different. thank you so much! 💓 BTW when I was young I lied all the time. I was so shamed by it. now this makes perfect sense! since I've been an adult I absolutely hate lieing . I can't tolerate it. it's been the reason I have given up friends, cuz when they lied to me...I couldn't take it and would end the friendship.
