i think that i'm relapsing 

I can only minimally relate. I want to say that what You are going through sounds so incredibly hard. Your feelings are all valid just keep coping with those feelings in the best ways that you can. You deserve more than to have your feelings dismissed. Your friends won’t be disappointed or less proud if you open up. Relapse is scary. The thought of relapse is scary. We are all at least a little stronger than we give ourselves credit for. I want you to check out livethroughthis.org - I found that it was at least nice to read examples of people that managed to pull themselves out of their own shitty situations even if I didn’t relate to it at all. Therapy is a major improvement tool, but even then it just one of the many tools to tweak the human brain. Look into “mindfulness” specifically mindfulness activities at home. It isn’t a cure but it is a tool that I think is equally as helpful in the grand scheme of things as therapy.