Identifying Toxic Family Members -Psychotherapy Crash Course 

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I’ve been dealing with this for 40 years!!! There is absolutely no apologies, they don’t care and they laugh they gossip, it’s starts with my mom unfortunately 🤬😢 it’s horrible. Thanks for this video!

Once I left the abuser 75% of my family of origin (alcoholic father & histrionic abusive mother and 6 Narcissistic and codependent siblings) sided with him and turned against me so I cut off 100% of them and all mutual friends, childhood friends, any one associated with my past was cut off permanently... betrayal of every kind was done to me since my birth... I’m never turning back ever... that door is closed forever .

My sister did this my whole life behind my back triangulated and destroyed so many relationships. She beat me as a child then lied and said I did it to myself. It took 50 years to see this for what it was and the truth was devastating. I loved her. She hated me. I severed all ties. Wish I’d done it sooner.

I can't stand how they always be taking a worst picture of me without my permission and decided to post it on social media

Well the old joke goes "if you have to ask the question" meaning if you think theres a problem, there is a problem. Trust your instincts. If people don't respect you, listen to you, if they try to dominate the conversation and ultimately dominate you- run!

My mom passed away 4 days before my fifteenth birthday. Six months later, my dad almost passed away, but he was rushed into emergency surgery and he lived. I was seconds away from losing both of my parents in one year. My older sister fell into drugs and got pregnant, my grandmother moved out of our family home, my dad started seeing a new woman(my current “stepmother”) and this woman has alienated my sister and I from him since then. It has been thirteen years. My grandmother has passed away. My sister has had 5 kids by two men who she has claimed abused her. I have given my sister close to 10,000 dollars over the years trying to help her, my dad’s wife hates me and has convinced my dad to hate me. The only people I had left were my sister and her children. I recently lost my job and asked for my sister’s help and she refused. Holding one instance that she paid for my phone bill when I couldn’t access my account over my head. How dare I? There is no way I can begin to describe the amount of pain it has caused me to try and keep my family together over the years. I am trying to make sense of it all. I appreciate your videos. They make me feel like I’m not so alone. Thank you. ❤️

In my family it is my mother who plays persecutor as well as victim. Using the phrase, “you hurt my feelings” constantly so she doesn’t have to take any responsibility for her own actions/behavior. Everything is always someone else’s fault! Yet loves to play leader and point out what everyone else needs to “fix”. I am currently trying to convey boundaries, which has made me an enemy. Thank God I have my husband and his family in my corner. I am done with the guilt trips and lying!

I have a sister who did this told my secret to another sister talk about me like a dog and told lies on me this has happen over and over even my mom volatile my boundaries. You pinned my whole family

And it says family going to turn against you when you no long do what they want

I have been sick and have to stay with a family member who hates on me , talks behind my back to all other family members and i have no choice otherwise i would be homeless . the anger and hurt this causes me is very unpleasant.

My brother says I am toxic. Then, he got caught stealing at work and was arrested. I had to go to court and sit with him while he was sentenced. I think he has it backwards.

You just described several people in my family. A counselor told me about a decade ago that I was like Marilyn on the munsters. Betrayal, triangulation, pathological lying, spinning, all of it from these disturbed charactors. It seems I'm allowing myself to see and truly accept it more and more, but it's hard when they have entangled my adult children.

Thank you for saying "get out of there"! I did and they are angry because I don't deal with them on any level. Yes, they're playing the victim, even turned a few people against me, but two people saw what I had seen and tried to reach me, but I'm not even ready to deal with the two.

# betrayal # violates any of my boundaries# triangulates family members#abuse # pepetrates toxicity# I'm not participating in this ridículous behavior and I'm striving for a better future, better goal , better direction. Thank you for these helpful tips. This is exactly what I'm striving for. ❤

The only way to win is not to play

Rasism in the family is very real. I love this video, well done!

This is all my father to a T. And yet, I still miss the man I thought he was...

My siblings are such pathological liars that I've gotten to the point to where I don't even pretend to act like I care about them. My sister will steal my stuff and when I confront her about it she lies to my face (which is stupid because that infuriates me), then when I steal their stuff in retaliation I'm the bad guy.

Only thing I deal with is who puts effort in, and who doesn’t. Pretty much don’t see or talk to immediate or extended family if I’m not initiating the conversations. Really only saw the blaming when people started asking why they never see or hear from me. When I remind them it’s a 2 way street, all of a sudden I’m being selfish. Yep, have a nice life.

It is so hard to cut your family off because they’re your family despite how toxic they may be. I’ve had to do it and years later I will think about it and cry. Growing up in a toxic household is crazy, because it definitely affects you negatively as an adult until you decide to get therapy and work hard to overcome it. It makes is hard to trust people. I only talk to my Dad and little sister and I have a lot of siblings but I refuse to have toxicity in my life and especially around my kids. I miss having a family I can do things with but I am at peace without all of the unnecessary drama. I thank God I have my kids and the few friends I have.

Thank you! As you said in your situation, if you get tired enough, you execute. It was that case for me. Got out of a verbally/emotionally abusive marriage. Had already gone grey rock with certain members of my family for years. Next time I got manipulated by them, I was done. Couldn't take it anymore. Went no contact, and there was backlash. In truth I know I made the right call, but I still struggle with self-doubt, and whether I was being too harsh. I suppose that's a byproduct of being steeped in those dynamics for so long. Trying to heal...

I really appreciate you explaining the drama triangle because the situation can be very consuming and confusing

..but Tamara, there will only be 2- 3 people left! I have started therapy about 6 years ago, initially thinking that a few CBT sessions would “fix me”, and holy moly…. It has been a process of seeing and then accepting the reality of who my family members really are. It is incredibly painful, difficult process. At one point, I started to wonder if I was an idiot, because I could not fathom why I didn’t SEE the reality in front of me. Now, I see everything very differently but the shock still continues as you start seeing those toxic behaviours in others close to you…friends, partners.. Initially, I felt like I had no energy and I was not sure how to trust my own judgement, but I am very happy to say that the self-assurance and confidence you get after grieving, is priceless. Grieving was probably the hardest part. I didn’t know how to process emotions instead of drowning in them. Therapy and some books helped but I would love to hear if anyone else had other methods of coping with the pain of releasing the harmful (but very close) people from your life?

I have a very toxic family. Emeshment and such. Lost our Mom and she was aware. My intuition, my gut, and me now having children is making me not want to be around this toxcitity anymore ESPECIALLY if I am going to break this generational curse. I feel crazy. But your videos are so on point that I can’t be!!

Just because you forgive someone does not mean this person is meant to stay in your life. Forgive and let them go. They are who they are.

I just cut off my sister ..she is so toxic ..she keeps everyone against each other and talking to her only so no one knows the real truth.. and that's not even the all of it..she envious and so toxic ..I can't take anymore. She's not allowed in my life..... I feel so relieved and at peace already because I've been wanting to do this so long but always felt guilty..now I am living for my happiness so that I can be the best mother to my daughter

Can’t wait to leave these people alone 😔 and never look back

An unnatural event, to experience abuse from your own family, Well, described. Thanks.

Ive Delt with my husband's Toxic siblings for 34 yrs and Im so Glad its Over. 🎉🎉 This video tells the Story of their Toxic SELVES

My mom die in 2018. The hardest loss I had to experience while in college, we saw each other every single day! We lived together all my life. Shared an unbreakable bond that no family member could interfere. After her death my family was mad I still lived in the house. Trying to kick me out because I won’t give them free stuff and money… I didn’t have any money! I never received dime which I never cared about money. My family disown me. Okay! I had to live with it. The past was in the past here’s the present… 2019 my brother stuck by me helped me with the house and trying to fix’s things up. Come to find out he was diagnose with pancreatic cancer in the worst stage, die 2019. Family only came around for his stuff. They accused me off stealing his money & other nasty stuff. He was like a father to me protecting me from the others. Okay, 2020… two people sister and her husband turn a new leaf promising my brother they would help me out. Okay! Now, My sister would call me 3-4 times a day. Just to talk about the family and how she’s doing a job of helping me. And so much drama. I told her to cut back on the calls because when I’m busy I can’t be answering the phone like that. Sister made a big deal out of it. She told the family I cursed her out over the phone. I treat her so mean after she takes care of me. I’m doing drugs. Oh, my favorite I’m having sex in my own house that’s why I don’t answer the phone or door for her. Ugh! It gets worse. Now family members that never called me calls me to lay me out for being disrespectful! I literally wanted her to stop calling me so much in a day and the way she talks to me as a person in their 20s living alone no children is disgusting. He’s gotten so bad I have to save her nasty messages and try to record her calls because she never tells the truth. If I don’t tell her my whereabouts, whom I am with, where are we going and when I come back home also who’s in my house is being disrespectful! I don’t see any right in this! She stops calling me for two days come to find out she as a key to my house and came in without telling but mention a week later! That set me off! Her husband telling me I was being disrespectful to her. She’s not trying to control my life. She’s still in pain after losing her mom & brother. What the hell? I live in a house where the person I love is gone, every second of day I saw their faces. Now it’s empty. Now, I’m so tried! This person is always the victim, but accuses me of things that’s so childish. Everyone feeds into. Saying “I’ve changed. What happened to your bubbly personality?” Hmm family and life happened! They are so toxic

I’m currently going through this with my sister and my eldest daughter who is estranged from our family and there is a lot of gossiping going on behind my back and you think everything is good for some time and then just before Christmas there is more manipulation. It’s a pattern with insults and blame.

One thing I hate is that they keep reminding about who they are to me. "I'm your father... I'm your aunty... i'm your family..." like i'm some kind of Idiot who doesn't know that. It's pathectic.

I have a toxic aunt as well. Has always been negative and thought the worst of me since I was a child until now. 2 years back and last yr she would call me and be so negative. After her calls I would feel so depressed and I still recall all those events and get filled with so much anger. When she texts me she doesn't even bother asking how I am she just wants to track my progress in life. What I am doing. That's all she cares about. I think she compares me with her children. I told her recently about her behavior and she denied everything. I have made the choice to remove her contact and stay away from her. Which will be hard coz she is my mom's sister.

You look the same Tamara; I’m watching this 4 years later! You are like me with the jewels Thankyou ❤❤

Thank you for sharing your own experiences with us. It's humanizing and also gives more credibility to your message. Very refreshing to see a therapist breaking that "fourth wall" with their audience :). Congratulations for your great channel Támara.

Hi Tamara! Amazing video! I’ve learned a lot about my narcissistic father’s toxic abuse. He’s a malignant narcissist. I went to visit him for birthday. However, it was dangerous after not visiting him for twenty years. I stopped being his supply. Now I lost my dog and I’m grieving for my loving, beautiful puppy! Big hugs and Much love, from Texas!🐶🌺🏅🐝🐈😎💥🐲🍎🦋🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🍓🍦🍕🍿🍏🍪🍩🎂🍇🐣❤️🌺🦋🐶

You have a great talent for explaining this all :) Wish I had heard this so clearly 3yrs ago before my NPD-Dad ruined my life

I just started to write them off. Grandmother likes to be a tattle tail. Can't confide in her. Same as my mother. My dad won't do it in front of me. But I know when I leave his house he tells the rest of my family. So I just started writing them off. Much less stress. My grandfather isn't into the gossip crap. So in do talk to him and help him out with things but don't talk to my grandmother.

The answer to this is to walk away and never look back

Direct, Concise and Quite excellent but I feel that someone who is unable or unwilling to objectively reflect and acknowledge their own shortcomings will arm themselves with this information and accuse, project and/or lay blame solely on the other without taking responsibility for their part and actions cleanly, honestly, accurately and judiciously weighing not only truth, conditions but also frequency of ill will and reasons to disconnect. 🙏

Wow, this was awesome ,so many nuggets of information. I think we feel like because we are family we will not experience toxicity or maybe we are experiencing this type behavior and didn’t know how to explain it or put a name to it . I know growing up you deal with family members and you feel a certain way about them but you blow it off. Then later on when you grow up you tend to avoid them or stop talking to them all together without realizing why. Now I know why.

Helpful video, it can be hard to objectively recognise abuse and not be a part of it. Thank you for the recognition of what can occur re multi-ethnic family too.

This video gave me some relief finally someone who understands

Thanks so much. This was the best information I’ve found on what I’m dealing with.The triangle made a lot of sense. God bless you 🌻

Watching this video again. Trying to understand why my family treats me the way they do. I believe my family members are toxic to me. However they probably think I'm toxic, but if I am it's them that makes me toxic. What I can remember it started maybe just three or four years ago. And just when I forgive them for the umpteenth time, they get me to a point where I want to hurt them. I cannot afford to see a psychiatrist if it is me. I don't get enrage like this unless they do something to me. I've been talked about and I've been taken advantage of by the very ones that I have been there for and done for them. My love for them was deep and now all I feel is Anger. I've prayed about it still praying, but then I see or hear something that tears me up inside and my Anger comes out again. Your advice would help. Thank you in advance.😕

I love your channel- thorough, helpful and validating. I am recently thinking of studying psychology as a new career.

Need to review this often. Thank you.

Thank you Támara... this really helps

Thank you for the video and sharing your insight. It was very informative and helpful.

Thank you Tamara, this is very good and helpful information

I thank God everyday I don't deal with none of them and never will god is good thank you God amen when I left I never looked back and I thank God everyday for helping meve on with my life

❤❤❤ love your videos really has helped me out ,,thought I was going crazy but thanks to your videos I feel I can break free of this awful cycle of abuse thankyou 😊

Fantastic Video! I’m shocked that I’m just now seeing it. Initially, I began to take slight issue with “the rescuer” stance you put in the triangulation. However, I listened to the entire video and had to reframe my own experience with this and redefine what I understood a rescuer to be and the role that they serve…regardless to true intentions of trying to do good. My own family is so extremely toxic and foul that I literally had to cut contact with ALL of the ones whom I know personally. My Alabama and California folks are perhaps the absolute WORST!!!! I’m losing zero sleep over cutting these people off. So many dramas and traumas imposed and inflicted on people whom I had NO malicious intentions, however all it took was one or two…actually 3 female cousins full of evil whom were the main culprits of “bringing the funk” that would cause ME to be the most hated person in the family. To ALL of them I salut them with one of these here… 🖕🏽Now I’m singing Mary J. Blige’s “No More Drama in My Life” 🎶🤣

Very helpful information! Thank you!

Hey Tamara thanks for summarizing this topic and offering solutions!!!🎯💎

I thought the abuse would end when my now 23 year old son turned 18...instead it just became more brutally cruel. On August 2, 2021 I was in court having to see that same 23 year old adult son ask to be adopted by his third step Mother. The CRUELTY is absolutely crushing. I told the judge I felt like I was coming to my son's funeral. I have no idea how to grieve this loss. We lost his sister, my first born child to cancer in 2003. She was only 9 and my son five. I divorced their father shortly after. I knew if I didn't get out then, I never would. I had no idea how much he despised me. So crushingly painful.

Love u Auntie TamTam, Thank You for saving my life and others several times over. Yr a living embodiment of Guadalupé

Thank you. You are beautiful! Love and light ❤️🌟

I always enjoy watching you......I mean your videos!

That awkward moment my birth givers and that covert narc sucubusister check all 5. Estrangement month 6 ✌🏼

I just want to know why my cousins have lied about me to everyone we know, it honestly still hurts. And my cousins don’t do it now but I can tell when they are fake, and I’m still emotionally hurting because of what’s been done.

You hit the nail on each point

Thank you so much.. sending love to you ❤️

I just found your Channel and now listening to a 2nd video. And Yes...i've subscribed😊

It's so hard to stand to to certain family member's. I guess what keeps me from not walking away is my children.

The rescuers don't help anyone but themselves.

My experience has been made the scapegoat to cover up underlined issues that had nothing to do with me. Also I believe I have a narcissistic mother. Then there is the gas lighting. I'm ready to cut off my mother. I'm exhausted.

Excellent thank you so very much this turned on light bulbs for me. 10:03

I had a sister who after she cheated on her boyfriend offered me up as a repentance to her boyfirend when I was still under age. She recently cut me out and told all these lies about me. But for some reason after 28 years I stayed her friend and now I miss her even though she was sexually abusive, emotionally.

It sounds like others have been there too. Forty years meant nothing except jealousy with all the tricks. The psychopath is a classic; he grew up getting trained. He emotionally abused our kids but he did have cold empathy so it was hard to tell. I got pushed out when he got fat and alcoholic because he needs someone to work at it. When he started paying for it he didn’t need me anymore. The only people I still have are my church friends.

Tamara, this is great! Thank you. This is something I needed to hear because my in-laws are driving me crazy! What can we do to get away???

Their house always dirty too

This may not be an appropriate topic for a video but I'm hoping you may have some ideas. What about a family that has kept an adult as a child? As in body and mind modifications, literally, to keep them in a child-like state. The person has extreme anger outburts, no identity of their own, and SI and HI.

WOW will said 👏 there's no state of mind then a piece of mind leave them toxic people behind are you could lose a lot of valuable time guard your heart ♥ and leaving them 💔 is what you have to do to get you back at a great start oh we'll life goes on just be strong and live in your purpose God's Plan

Ty for these videos

I was intentionally betrayed by my mom. It has completely shattered my life and trust. I have people trying to force me to give her access to me again, but I can't although I forgive her.

For me it’ll only stop when I leave these people behind😭

Well, family members shouldn't have to live off of family members especially when they are disrespectful and don't want to work.

Hi Tamara What if a husbands female cousin is causing problems that husband does not see. What should the person do?

My baby brother used to gossip with my mom all the time because I wasnt going to school I was committing crimes..then I got my life togather and graduated..now he dropped out of school years ago and is blaming it on me and my other siblings and my dad when really hes just wants to run the streets and its causing my mom to go crazy and she spent the begining stages of my life in jail got out bought a house so when it came time for him to grow up he would have a good home and not live like these little thugs do today, my mom said he following me but he always made fun of me in my darkest times

My sister got involved with my ex months after he and I broke up my sister and I where very close and it hurt me alot I forgive her that was 2019 would you believe did the same thing again in 2021 with another on my ex's even stated inviting him to family gatherings can you please tell me what is wrong with this woman ? I'm.done with her and my other family members who thinks this ok

my sister has a 4 yr old boy and being that young lied and said grandpa hit me with a belt, and now my sister is ignoring my mom for last few weeks and its broke my moms heart. she saw him out ln driveway while she was out and she cried when telling me about it cuz she cant see him. not to mention my brother in law feeds hateful things about my family behind our backs and i dont know what i can say to comfort my mom, if anything i can do let me know if i may be able to help

My father is a drunk gambler who left when I was 17, my mom is a major hoarder and makes weird decisions, my brother is a 43yr old introvert who can't take care of himself at all and just play games and I have a cousin who doesn't want to work but drink and do drugs.

I’m tired 😔 I don’t have the strength!!

I want to get away from them but i am worried my child will be left with no family. They are affectionate towards her. What do I do?

Could you please suggest a book on emotional development for adults whose growth remained stunted due to trauma?

oh God ur so kind. i feel welcome here than my own home

Question? A toxic farther, what are the signs?

He put my younger brother against me. Also, my sister to betray and control me in a cruel way! I’m half Korean and Polish. He said terrible things about me. He called me the President of North Korea. 🐶🐣❤️🍇🍓🍩🍪🍏💥🐝🐕🍦🎂🍕🍕🐶

What about when they violate your boundaries and betray you over and over. Yes, they apologize but it's phony, false and they repeat their same behavior again. What then? No contact?

I appreciate the video. I've watched a few of them so far. The only thing I really don't like is that when you talk about family abuse, u mention BPD, Histrionic and others. It doesn't take a personality disorder to be an abuser and having one doesn't make u an abuser. Ppl with autism, depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder etc. can also be abusive. I don't know what my family's diagnosis is...but they really are the issue. I blame myself for everything now. I punish myself. They take no responsibility. Even for things I can prove. I am diagnosed with BPD among other things. I am not abusive to my children. I'm a very dedicated mother and wife. Idk what my parents have because they won't even go to therapy for themselves, me or anyone else. They won't discuss any of their issues to a doctor. I have become the scapegoat. But most of the videos I see are speaking as if the abuser is typically a person with a pd. We can also be victims.

what if the family member who betrayed me intentionally is my adult only child? i miss him

🙏🏼

I really just wish I had someone to talk to about this I don’t trust my family at all honestly I need help in a lot of areas and I can’t open up with you

I'm dealing with a daughter who is 273 pounds I myself had gastric bypass surgery 2003 I use to weight 489 pounds I'm only 5:1ft I've kept my weight loss in line 135 pounds . it's a lifestyle the tool I got saves my life.i use to have full blown diabetes. So my husband has diabetes now. Well I got called a stupid bitch by my daughter and husband yelled at to me to stop picking on her THEY BLAME ME FOR WHAT COOKED MADE THEM FAT....MY HEART IS BROKEN I FEEL VERY BETRAYED BY BOTH HUSBAND AND DAUGHTER WHO IS 28 YEAR OLD .THANK YOU FOR YOUR WORDS OF STRENGTH AND KINDNESS. NAMASTE

How is it possible that grandmothers favor certain grandchildren from their children?

Would you stay for your kids? My choice was stay, or leave. If they left with me then how much time would the Courts give him? He would have them unsupervised and I know he’d bring in whatever woman that he could dupe. And if she was an alcoholic too who knows? Anyway, it doesn’t matter anymore. I don’t have any kids.

God told me to cut them all and it started with my mom my dad sisters and brothers and son and it's been dealing with for such a long time I don't feel bad I got to do what I got to do to be happy

Do you do counseling through video? Also, any videos on codependency?