Is it ever OK to talk over a disabled person? [CC] 

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Educational👏Videos👏should👏not👏be👏demonitized👏

I’m so sad RU-vid demonetizes videos like this because everyone needs to be educated on human decency so thank you for teaching us!

I've never used these words in casual conversation, but every time I see Jessica the phrase that comes to mind is "exceedingly lovely."

'In it for the long-haul Lesbian' is a glorious phrase. Also cats are awesome, I'm sorry you find them scary.

Any time I'm thinking of buying a dress, you automatically turn up in a video wearing said dress. Either we both have impeccable taste, or there simply aren't enough vintage repro fashion companies. It's probably both. 🌈😘🙌

This is kind of reassuring actually. So, I’m totally able-bodied, I have an anxiety disorder and some attachment issues but otherwise I’m pretty boring. I grew up with two disabled parents, one who had a physical disability and one who had a learning disability. I now work with disabled people, mostly those with visual impairments. There are times when I question whether I have the right to speak up about matters affecting them but actually if they can’t do it themselves then of course I should. For example, a lady I support uses a guide dog who people really like to stroke. She obviously can’t see them doing this and they often won’t ask if they can. So, I could keep quiet because maybe it’s not my place but actually, how are those people ever going to learn that that’s not ok? So, I’ll usually speak to the person directly but get the lady involved in explaining why it’s not ok (because clearly she has more knowledge). It ‘s also quite common that people will speak to me rather than her when we’re out and about, in that situation I don’t ever think it’s ok to speak for her so I just let her answer, and gesture to the individual that they should be talking to her. People’s ability and opportunity to speak for them self is really important and nobody should ever take it away.

The variability of disability (heh..) even happens within a single disability. I have Spina Bifida, and my level of physical and mental ability is widely different from the next person with Spina Bifida.

I think there's a difference between speaking for someone and speaking over someone.

As a sibling of an autistic person who has difficulty communicating, I want to thank you for including my perspective in your video. Great video, I found your points to be so thoughtful and nuanced!

I am in the United States, with a working disabled husband, and a disabled mother in law. I agree that nobody should be grouped together. Even though they are both disabled and a mother and son, they both have different illnesses and different struggles.

I’m not disabled, but I have learned so much perspective and knowledge from your channel. Thank you.

Jessica will be the most ridiculously awesome grandmother ever some day! :D

very good! I would add 1 more step: Do not accept "this person/ kind of disabled person cannot express themselves" at face value. Have the infinite number of possible modes of communication really been exhausted yet? The sad truth is, especially for people stuck in institutions, the care and attention has not been taken to support the individual in their communication. This can be due to lack of interest, imagination and/or resources.

If you’ve met 1 disabled person, you’ve met 1 disabled person ! And definitely agree with you. I sometimes need my Husband to speak over me at appointments when I’m struggling to articulate myself. This has taken years for him to do this for me but the journey to appointments and preparing questions usually has depleted all my spoons before we even get there.

I see this almost like the discussion I had with a fun fellow who was telling me that it was ridiculous that the restaurant we were at had ramps. As somebody who is able but often have a stroller I told him to go shove it

Patiently watching a five minute ad with the sound off waiting for Jessica ❤️

I agree. It is very common for people who have depression and anxiety to speak over other people who have depression and/or anxiety

"And yes im using cats to symbolize Lesbians because SOME CLICHES ARE TRUE!!!" I felt that one, Jess! 😂😂😂😭😭😭

All sensible statements, I completely agree with you. I've run into things like that a lot with my having PTSD related to brain surgery. I've had people tell me "You can't get PTSD from brain surgery," and I've had people tell me "Well I had knee surgery and it wasn't a big deal, so you're exaggerating." I've had people on RU-vid pretend to be doctors just to say that I was lying, that you can't get amnesia from brain surgery (which I did, I got severe amnesia from it, that argument had me in tears). It's been fun. And I generally don't try to talk for others either. If I know something on another's disability it's from hearing it from them, and if I relay that information I always make sure to clarify that I heard it from someone's who'd experienced it firsthand and I don't try to pretend like one person's experience applies to everything. And I'm sorry your videos are getting demonetized. That does surprise, but after hearing it.... it also kind of doesn't. Political corectness has gone way too far.

I'm a caregiver for my mother and it really helps to hear you say that caregivers live with the disability and/or illness as well. Obviously not in the same capacity as the disabled and/or ill person but in their own way. Its really hard for me to grasp that but its very very true. And its validating to hear you say it thank you

I always come away from these videos unsure of what to say except, "Yes, that, exactly that, yes yes yes." Thanks for phrasing things so eloquently!

SO MUCH THIS 💕 I'm so over being told by people with hay fever that all I need to do to fix my cold allergy is just take an antihistamine and put a jumper on. Just because they're also allergic to someone, doesn't mean they can speak over me when I tell them why I can't and won't take my mask off ❄️👏🏻

I think it's a very interesting & complicated subject, for me as an autistic person, (also disabled in other areas though), if non-autistic people are discussing autistic issues sometimes I would find the opinions of a person who doesn't have an autistic person in their life but believes in autism acceptance more valuable and helpful than those of a parent to an autistic child who spends every day of their life with an autistic person but doesn't accept them. This is especially prominent with autism specifically but the situation can be completely different for different kinds of disabilities. Nuance nuance, etc.

Wonderful video. I have been caregiver for three different relatives (for a while, at the same time, and yes, very different needs and experiences with each one) and appreciate the point that caregivers do live the conditions along with their people. Not the same as having the conditions in our own bodies, no, but aspects as "are these stairs worth it, or do we find somewhere else if there is no ramp?" and saying, with complete love (and a medical proxy) "please speak to me, and I will respond as Loved One would , if they were able," to medical professionals, that stuff, we know. As with much else, love and respect go a long, long way.

Maybe you're being demonetized because RU-vid is actually run by cats?

As I watch this, my cat stalks me waiting for me to slip up and leave my food unguarded.

People forget their manners. Talking over anyone is rude

I love your videos. I understand that they are your opinion but honestly as an able-bodied person I'm glad I have access to a plethora of information and also opinions to educate myself. 😊

Palpable relief when, at just over a minute in, you said "Yes, yes it is". My partner saves me so much anguish by filling in the words that I can't come up with, especially in time-sensitive public situations.

RU-vid is so dumb for demonetising videos like this. Hope it stays up cause I love it ❤️

I appreciate that you did make a point to say that no one should be speaking over those who can't speak for themselves. A common issue is that some people assume that those who can't speak for themselves also can't think for themselves. That leads them to saying their personal opinion rather than using their knowledge in combination with their patients opinion. There's other ways to communicate without verbal communication.

Her voice has changed from a year or 2, it sounds so much more elegant and confident

This reminds me of a friend of mine with a disabled sister. When they were little he was very much her voice. Now they are adults and speak together with lawmakers on behalf of disabled people!

"If it's not your lane, you just stay out of it" I love it!

We need more innovation and accessibility to allow non-speaking disabled folks to communicate for themselves. Because at the end of the day, I'm just never going to trust the parents/caretakers of disabled folks as much as I would an actual disabled person.

I think there is one situation where the "ally" human speaks instead of the said marginalized human when they are present. The best way I can describe it is where the target group human has just become too tired to speak up for themselves and where they feel scared to impose on people so the friend or loved one speaks up for them. Let's the person know that comment wasn't okay or something like that. Because they know it hurt their loved one but their loved one feels like they don't want to be any trouble.

hi! able-bodied person here. also the able-bodied sister of a younger brother who had a severe speech impairment for the first 9-10 years of his life (severe as in i was one of the two only people who completely understood him). i don't talk about it much in my daily life, it just doesn't get brought up much. last year during social studies we were discussing whether disabled people should go to the same schools as able-bodied people and i talked about my brother for the first time during class. none of my classmates or my teacher had ever seen what kind of strain such discussions place upon parents or siblings. so i talked about how hard it had been for my mother to have every person who thought they were allowed to talk about what school my brother went to - whether that be teachers or doctors -, criticize her every choice. i talked about how long my parents discussed whether my brother should go to a secondary school for kids with speech impairments. i talked about how hard it was for me to see that rarely anyone put in any effort to understand my brother. how could they not see what a carefree and happy child he was? no one in my class was disabled. i'm not disabled. i wouldn't even think to talk over disabled people when talking about topics i'm not familiar with. but i am familiar with this topic and i think no one can take talking about it away from me. thanks for the video, you put a lot my feelings into words :)

Im heterosexual, cis gender, abled and yet here i am a heavy subscriber and LOVING the educational videos (well, your whole channel and vibe, really)!!! I use all of your videos as ways to learn about the varying flavors of LGBTQIA+ and varying degrees of disabilities and their tolls on the humans who live with them (and the humans who love them. Snaps to Claudia!) every day. Keep these coming, demonitization is SOME SUCH TOSH!!!!

Ok, I gotta say that you scared me at first. When you said "talk over", I pictured a disabled person and an able-bodied person talking and the able-bodied person starts raising their voice to be heard over the other. As in interrupting just because they could. Glad you cleared it up lol. I agree with your view point here.

HOW DARE YOU NOT LIKE CATS (also your points were very good, great video) THEY'RE SO FLUFFY

I am the mother of two disabled children and even within the SAME disability there are differences! This video absolutely rings true! I NEVER speak as to what other’s experiences are or may be, and dislike it when others speak as to what I “should or should not be doing” for my children. Fantastic video❤️

I’ve been really loving that you title your videos as questions. It forces me to ask myself, and if I don’t have a confident answer, I click!

Thanks so much for talking about this. I have lupus and the worst thing is when I need a motorized shopping cart at the grocery store, but I don’t see any available and have to ask. Some employees will say, “Look, you’re walking. You don’t need one.” 😒

The hot take of this video is that Jessica is actually my grandmother and honestly I’ve never been happier

Would love that "because gay" merch but im not out yet, and it may make some people just a little suspicious...

Yes!!! Also maybe sometimes I'm just too tired of constantly living my illness, maybe I just want a break and don't want to explain yet again what's wrong with me and what my needs are to yet another stranger, so if one of my friends/family wants to swoop in and deal with all that crap, I am more than happy to lay back (heh, POTS humour) and let them do the talking

This was a very interesting watch! Thank you for taking the time to make this video. The issue of who gets to speak for disabled people is always a complicated subject, and I think some people tend to see it as too black and white sometimes. It was refreshing to see someone actually clearly explain the nuance of the situation. And as an autistic adult myself, I really appreciate you pointing out that just because some parents have autistic children, doesn't mean they can shut down autistic adults. Thank you, you're always such a delight to see in my subscription feed!

I whole heartedly agree with this. As someone with physical and mental health issues I appreciate when I am able to argue for myself, however there have been times when I wished that my sister or fiancé or brother would have spoken up for me because there are times when I need things and simply don’t have the capacity or spoons to speak up myself. Always have discussions with your disabled friends and family to learn when and what they need/want from you.

Thank you for including your point on healthcare professionals. It was very validating after a very frustrating endo visit today with a doctor who clearly had no understanding of what it is actually like to have type 1 diabetes. I always love watching your lovely videos.

Disney-Marvel needs to grab you up. Every time i watch one of your videos i feel more like you are the superhero we need right now

That is so well said! I have encountered too many people that say " well I have depression too but I didn't get a student loan because like a hard working person, I worked and studied at the same time! You are just lazy!" ugh!

I love your metaphor with the cats and dogs. That's such a perfect description.

When this popped up on my notifications, I thought it said “Is it ever okay to talk TO a disabled person?” That’s what I get for only half paying attention.

i will always love how nuanced your answers are to these 'highly demonetizable videos' (which why youtube WHY). you really look at a wide variety of perspective and stab the topics from all sides it's fabulous and really gets to the nitty gritty of these ideas.

You’re exactly right! I often need my husband to speak about my epilepsy because I don’t remember what happens at the time.

Good thing is that the other day I re watched some of your older videos that had been demonetized at the time, and there were ads. On the other hand I guess they don't pop up in recommended for people that are not already subscribed. Well, keep up with the good work anyway, Jessie, and we, the lovely people, will always be there to watch !!!!

RU-vid has annoyed me with demonetizing my favourite people, so I now join, follow, and apparently vote in blogger contests. I'm so coming out of my social media shell, thanks to a shared love of vintage looks, red lipstick...and sass.

It's interesting how huge the spectrum of disability is. Like, there are blind and deaf people, people with mobility problems, chronically ill people, mentally disabled or neurodiverse people, people with amputations or different malformations and most people are a combination of the above.

you are literally the prettiest girl ive ever seen omg

First off, thank you yet again for another informative video

I have an invisible disability which affects my nerves and muscle strength and I know that no one can understand fully the way my disability affects me. I think what you discussed is so important to remember. I want to become a speech and language therapist because I feel we should all be given the opportunity to communicate our personal experiences to others! Xx

I will gladly accept you as my new grandmother! The points made in the video were so articulate and i'll definatly be showing some people who dont seem to understand this! However, poor cats!

I'm from Guatemala, I have epilepsy and I'm so happy I found your videos :D they always bring a smile to my face. You are indeed a lovely person :)

I agree with EVERY point in this video - particularly the "doctor who's been studying my illness for x years, knows less than I who've lived it for y years"! One of my best experience with doctors was when they actually acknowledged that - when I had a surgery followed by a myriad of complications that they couldn't figure out for 2-3 days they literally asked me (13 y.o. at the time) and my mom "How would you personally resolve this?" and then listened to everything we said and did that and I was luckily all better. And that was in one of the best hospitals in the world with very specifically trained doctors for my specific diagnosis.

I love how you pointed out that living with someone with disabilities is still way too different from living with the disability yourself.

i'm also terrified of cats....im glad you can relate! theyre so cute but if i see one irl i just freeze up

I was expecting this to be a 3 second video where you just say no and then the video is over.

This makes so much sense, and I completely agree. It’s a shame so many people don’t seem to realize it.

Cats are straight up evil. You're straight up lovely and absolutely wonderful for having made this video. Thank you for the sweeties.

Thank you so much for talking about the situation that happens on autism community, I'm autistic and I ALWAYS hate when parents of autistic children tries to silence me or my fellow autism advocates on discussions, some of them can be pretty nasty against us on these situations, some even start questioning our autism diagnosis bc we experience milder onsets of autism (at least the majority of the advocates have, but it's amazing how we have a lot and awesome ppl even with severe autism and some are even nonverbal) which is so fucking rude and ableist, just bc we are "mild" autistics it doesn't mean we face less challenges and difficulties, we just experience different challenges (severe autistics can face waaaaay different challenges than us) that are equally difficult to us, even inside of autism spectrum we can see so different experiences among us... And none of them should be silenced and invalidated by anyone

“I’m a gay, homosexual, rainbow 🌈 blooded, lady loving, in it for the long run lesbian” is my new spirit animal, favorite phrase, and profile description everywhere from now on LOL . Thx so much for this treasure Jessica!

the best grandma

These educational videos are so helpful and necessary in our society! How you explain things is so understandable, funny and confident! Please come in schools! 😀

Hey, I was wondering, have you ever talked, or would you be ok to talk about internalised ablism? :)

Absolutely love this! And as a nurse, I wholeheartedly agree with your comment on healthcare professionals. There's no way we could possibly know as much as the patient about their own condition and experience with it, and I take every opportunity to learn from my patients about their condition and how it effects them personally. Love your videos ❤️❤️❤️

Jessica, you demonstrated your commitment to not talk over other disabled people when you dropped the merch slogan about pain and meditation. I'm so grateful you practice what you preach! 😊 I'm the one who voiced my concern over the slogan, as meditation actually does reduce pain for many with my chronic pain condition. My flare-ups are exacerbated overly tense muscles, which is a problem well-suited to meditation/mindfulness/deep breathing. It's insanely difficult to relax the pelvic muscles when every pee burns like scalding acid, and the bladder pain starts shooting searing bolts electricity up the belly and towards the chest. I learned the hard way that the more I cry, the worse it gets, on and on until I'm hyperventilating and my fingers and toes start turning numb. Or I'll black out, and occasionally I'll dissociate. I do have an banxiety disorder, but even neurotypical people will panic when they know their next trip to the bathroom will bring searing pain!

Sometimes it is. My brother that is disabled and older than myself gets talked down to on a regular basis, especially when we are together. It is aggravating. It’s like he does not know anything even tho he was born with his disability. I step in when it’s needed and it’s hard to hold my tongue when he is treated like he has no brain. He is way more patient than I. I just love your videos!

I spent a year being the running at events for the disabled people in the society. I was the call for emails and the person who sorted things out> And it was crazy how many people assumed I did it because I was disabled and not because I wanted my friends to have the same experience I could have without fighting for it. I spent a lot of time knowing all kinds of health things and being able to talk on multiple matters. People still come to me for advice on how to make LRP more accesible, even a friend I felt had more understand then I, because the disabilities they understood where the types that meant people couldn't LRP. Whereas I know the slightly more physically capable side of things. It made it really difficult when I became disabled myself. I was no longer fighting for my friends, I was doing it for me. And it felt so strange. It made it really difficult to come to terms with.

♥️ Exactly! Especially the last point. And I want to add one more situation to it. I'm probably disabled, not officially tho (symptoms not yet transformed in diagnosis) And have education in psychology, with additional interest in language-thinking connection. Things many disabled people don't know. So I find myself often responding to people who use ableist insults; kindly, I try to ask them to drop it and give short reasoning behind it. I have both thankful responses and accusations of "political correctness". Goes with the territory. But occasional "I'm disabled and I'm ok with using it" is what bugs me the most. And then I remember people tend to see themselves as default, so much that it overrides awareness that they are already not default in this society(ies) where able-bodied are seen as default... Thanks for the video, it helps to crystallise my thoughts.

Thank you for making this, my brother is non-verbal autistic and downs. x

i am incredibly lucky in having a mum that acts as my carer and advocate! I have difficulty in leaving the house, speaking on the phone, and if i get anxious enough i can't actually hold a conversation in person. Mum steps into the breech, but is always trying to make sure i at least try to speak for myself whenever possible, which is perfect. We do have difficulty sometimes, as health care professionals will refuse to let her do things like make/cancel appointments or pick-up scripts etc. even though she holds power of attorney over me (including specific parts to do with health) that we deliberately got so that she can work on my behalf! And others act like she is being a "pushy" parent, even though I've told them I need her with me. Can be very frustrating when I need her in a doctors appointment so that someone can remember whats happening, and they keep frowning/sighing/tutting when she talks and asks questions. I think some of this happens because i often seem absolutely fine from the outside. They just dont realise that if i'm anxious i may be hearing white noise/gobbeldy gook when they are talking, or I may be having a normal intelligent conversation but won't be able to remember it in 5 minutes time. Yay for amazing carers and advocates!

Love this video. I'm glad you brought up the point on who can speak on someone's behalf because that's one of the issue's I'm currently facing with my autistic brother. He can physically look after himself to an extent but doesn't understand things like how money works. The only person who can really speak on his behalf are those with his best interests in mind like the rest of the family and his social worker. We sort of have to speak over/for him but his situation requires it. Your disability and situation are completely different. You know what's in your best interest so having your family speak for you without your permission is rude to say the least.

I agree with you 150 percent. As a person with a learning disability I can understand a little bit. As the mother of a 20 year old with sever autism and is non verbal I live live with him. As an RN I see things from a health care POV too and agree with you on all counts! Plus I watched the video parked in my car wearing my lovely people hoodie (pink of course)!

I mostly agree with you! I'm multiply disabled, so it was very helpful when I was a kid to have my mom during various appointments bc she could stress that I really do need help and all the situations I have troubles with. But not only did she have my best interest in mind, she also actually listened to me as someone who actually lives the disabilities every day. Not all caretakers are like that, let's be honest. I think what is important in the situation of, say, when a person literally can't express themselves is to see if there are any ways of actually giving them that voice to make sure their interests are really represented. and what I mean is, whether there are any other means of communication that the person can use to express their feelings themselves to avoid the situation when they are talked over and silenced further.

Another fantastic video! 👏👏👏👏 (and dammit RU-vid, stop demonetising excellent content!!) Wish I could afford to join the Kellgren-Fozard club, would love to support you and your content further but can't at the moment.. hopefully in the future! Good ol' expensive disability living costs, eh? 😂

I get so excited every time you post a new video. It brightens my day.

Jessica is the best grandmother ever lol

I love your videos, I'm a student nurse so it really helps me. I can't wait to wear your merch uk

I have to say I always leave her videos either smiling from ear to ear or with a plethora of new information...most of the time it's both.

I know this is off topic, but I just have to say that your hair is looking extra lovely today! Beautiful Jessica! 😘

I love this video I'm parent to a disabled daughter. In addition to being labeled disabled myself due to chronic illnesses that effect my health. I'm happy someone can say this as equally about the straws because we all need different types for many reasons and we can't all use the same kind as each body is very different on reaction. Even people not considered disabled can have issues with straws and what they are made out of.

I think you made some excellent points here! I would specify that I think it's important that the disabled person in question is /actually/ not able/willing to speak for themselves, since sometimes parents of disabled people will speak for/over their children even though their children are able and willing to communicate effectively. This is mostly an issue I associate with the autistic community though, so I'm not sure how common it is in other disabled circles

I for one welcome Jessica as my new overlord - I mean grandmother!

You put that perfectly hun. Tell Claudia we say hi from the US.

I am an able bodied woman and my husband is also able bodied but a while ago he was ill and we were at the doctor's surgery and he had been told he needed to make a follow up appointment so he tried and the Gorgon behind the desk refused. My husband was exhausted and stressed and quite frankly looked fragile and yet this woman was unwilling to help, or treat him with respect and care. In this instance I spoke for my lovely sweet husband because at this time able bodied and minded though he normally is, he needed my help. I slayed the Gorgon, he got his appointment, and boy am I still angry, can you tell? Basically my point is, sometimes we all need a wee bit of help or support, but TAKING someones independence or voice is never ok and we must be aware of the line because it is moveable thing, as many of you have mentioned here everyone's needs are different. A little respect and empathy goes a long way. Thank you for making such good videos, RU-vid are jerks of they demonitise genuinely informative content.

My mom is disabled and has been since I was 9. I was home with her and saved her life when she had a brain aneurysm. I know her condition better than most doctors because she lives with me and I take care of her when needed. I, as an abled person, in this case feel I have the right to speak for her when she stumbles over her words. I do however always turn to her when speaking for her to ask if I have spoken correctly, voiced her thoughts etc.. She will then correct me, add things, or confirm. It's my job to help her speak when her brain fails, but it's her final thoughts on any subject as she is disabled (physically and mentally).

👏👏👏 Love to hear your perspective, thanks for sharing

also, you put this in such a great perspective, i've already agreed with you before i've watched the video, and still, you explained it very well

I appreciated what you said about the doctor who may have studied for 50 years on something, but they get to "shut it off". I have Tourette Syndrome and have been to several neuros who think they know more about TS than me because they have a few other patients with it and have read a few lines in a book or even a few articles in a medical journal.