Is It Time to Fight or Let Go? 

Dr delony please address rape in marriage. A lot of men think that is not a thing .

I hope the first caller knows her trauma is significant and I am so sorry it happened to her. I hope she finds healing. So glad she got out of there.

The first call broke my heart. I am also that new wife. Same story. The violence and the silence followed me through the years. I send you my love.

I learned even uf he only abused me 10 owrcent if the time and the rest if the time he didn't abuse me IT IS STILL AN ABUSIVE MARRIAGE

I had a mother-in-law who never gave up thinking she was the first woman in her son’s life. I vowed never to be like her when my sons married. I love the women my sons chose sometimes more than my sons. They are amazing women and have given us our grandchildren. I have kept my vow since I know what it is like to have the negativity in my life.

For the woman with the ex-husband who was abusive. I’ve been there and I pray that you find healing! Making a decision to leave and be safe is ALWAYS the right answer. 🙏🏼

As a medical professional I will say, What some people don't understand is that alcohol withdrawal is physiologically just as bad as a heroin withdrawal. The things the body goes through is horrendous and the person can die. That's why a lot of people choose to drink just to stabilize themselves by having a drink before withdrawal begins because it's unbearable. And the person needs medical attention.

Last call is exactly why it is so important for mothers, especially SAHM, to have an identity outside of their children. Hobbies and purpose are important for everyone but so many moms lose their identity to their job as a mom.

Thank you for standing in support of the young divorcee who was seriously sexually and emotionally abused. I pray she finds her value and worth. And that her identity as a woman becomes healthy and personally her own.

I got divorced, when I really believed my body would not survive five more years with the hell stress of the mental abuse.

14:53 I was this woman. I lived with my (ex husband) abuser for 30 years. I’m currently in trauma therapy to deal with everything. Starting a new life is hard at 54. My body made me allergic to everything in and around the house to the point I needed an epipen. Family took his side and I had to do everything alone.

Jeez Louis! I'm over here crying my eyes out for these callers. Wow. 😢 Thanks for being so kind to these sweet people.

I have severe trauma from violent abuse and serious trauma from a cheating partner (cheated with 20+ people). My trauma will not leave. I just started EMDR therapy and for the first time in my life I can physically feel my body reacting to the therapy. I had completely given up after decades of every therapy you can imagine. My therapist learned EMDR therapy from the guy who came up with it. Find a good EMDR therapist who knows how to do it right! Good luck.

4:59 Rape upon a partner is worse. The stranger doesn’t tell you he loves you, or pretends to care. You’re not expected to be loving towards your stranger rapist afterwards.

First call, my heart breaks for her. The truth does set us free, but it's really hard at first. It will get better. So many women in faith cultures, suffer.

So much so much love for the first caller

Emotional Flashbacks, Disassociation, also known as PTSD

Love Deloney’s response when one brother calls in on alcohol for his bro and winds up revealing his own struggle. Showing the empathy and strength in the struggle… could be so powerful. Telling his bro how he doesn’t want the hurt he’s claimed over those burned relationships to hit the bro the same way… could be really supportive.

I relate to this woman so much. I didn’t know there was a creature called a narcissist. I was a middle child/oldest daughter, and had parents that expected obedience. I said no, I don’t have to one time and paid the consequences. So what I learned was not to say no. Which made me very vulnerable to the narcissist i met later. At first it was fun. Then he complained about my curfew. And then since my mom tended kids but his mom worked out of the home at a department store, I was told time with them was more important. And I was regularly home late. My mom was “tough love” and started telling me if I wasn’t home on time I would have to move out, because of my preteen younger sisters and the example I was setting. I was caught in the middle until a difficult evening with the narcissist left me out until early morning trying to negotiate with him. It was more than curfews at this point. It was the night before thanksgiving. My mom called their house where I was and said to come home or i was to move out. I was exhausted with the pressure from every direction and didn’t go home. In a few days I found an apartment and stopped after work when my dad wasn’t home and picked up all my stuff. I don’t blame my mom as much as I realize she was as clueless as I was about narcissists. I was never rebellious and she was our main parent. My dad thought he knew what he was doing, but what he thought were family counsels were really long exhaustive lectures that were endless and we mentally checked out until he was satisfied that he had made his point and we were released. I was perfectly crafted for a narcissist. And where narcissists tend to be successful, mine was not because he was coddled by his mother and protected from anything uncomfortable. His only other sibling was a sister 7 years younger. The judging started towards my parents first. And gradually at me personally. And after the Thanksgiving event, I lost my support system. With the exception of people I worked with. But I mostly kept stuff to myself. I rode the bus and didn’t have a car. After three years we figured we either need to break up or get married. I was religious and still a virgin, so you know. We chose marriage and my family was allowed to participate. I realize now it’s because of the “appearance” to those who didn’t know the details. It lasted 13 years. I was not just emotionally abused but physically. We had three children. First two sons that were not planned because I didn’t like taking even an aspirin for a headache. And I started squishing bugs in the house instead of getting them on a paper and delivering them outside. My daughter was planned and it was after he had finally gotten a job. I was the backbone that was holding everything together. I have flipped the bird off two times in my life and both were at him. I still didn’t have my own car and my work wasn’t near a bus route. After chewing me out about not helping him get a job, I had been silent in the car but when I got out I passed in front and flipped him off. He didn’t come to pick me up. I still didn’t have my family in my life. So I called his parents. They came about 7:00 pm. In the car I started saying, “I’m so tired of him hurting me…”. His mom said, “I saw scratches on his arms…”. I shut up. Then I realized on tv, victims of murder, they identify their murderers by dna under their fingernails. I was not among friends. I already knew that, but then it became a stark reality. His mom and sister were always taking the children (his sister had a couple of her own) on outings during the day. Shopping and excursions. I eventually realized they were elevating themselves on how good they were. One time they were complaining about bringing them back to my work to go home (we lived across the valley) and grandma was saying about better hurry so I didn’t complain (I typically was done at work and didn’t know where my kids were and had to track them down. No cell phones and my main source of joy was having my children, and it had been a long day). My daughter who was perhaps four said, “ my mom works hard”. Grandma told her “She just sits in a chair and has fun all day.” I think my daughter was telling me what grandma had said before the door was shut. Long story short, I started having “bruises appearing above my right knee. Our fights were a pattern of every six weeks (Not my female cycle). I secretly made an appointment with a doctor I had never seen and told him about the bruises and my situation. He said they were bruises. I can’t remember what he called them. But I believe it’s exactly what you said here, that my body was reaching out and sending emergency signals. He gave me a bag full of anxiety pill samples. I then started meeting with my own counselor in my work building and found out what a narcissist was. Eventually he was served divorce papers. He moved out the next week. Convinced our clergy that until he could get his own place could he keep meeting with him. He never got his own place (lived at parents), and literally was beginning to entrap the clergy into his lies. Luckily I met the man of my dreams right before the floor fell out from me. My sons were alienated from me by his persuasiveness of “poor me”, and “it’s your mom that wanted this@, and they began misbehaving badly. And I started getting warned about abusing them, making any discipline impossible. I let them go because I knew I had lost and if I let them go I would maybe be able to retain my daughter. I now had to pay child support for the boys as well as costs to maintain my home. I had $150 after the utilities and house payment etc were paid. I asked the counselor about turning off the phone. She said not a good idea if you have a minor in the home. So that was $70. Leaving me with $80 for food, clothing, paying for great visits with my sons that they had become accustomed to. And everything else besides utilities and house payments. (And I got 2/3 of the credit card debt because I had a job; but interestingly I had never even used a credit card. There were five credit cards and payments over $500). I got engaged and got married within a week to a man that I had known two months. Interestingly after I sold my home I went part time and had more money in MY pocket even though I was paying child support. Visitation with my sons didn’t last long because they obviously were being coached and they were very demanding and insulting. I decided that my only control was to not allow them to get in the habit of treating me or any other person that way. I didn’t see them until 13 years the younger one reached out because his therapist encouraged me. He told me I was a “shitty parent” and then paid for pizza for dinner. Luckily I bit my tongue. It took the older one about four more years. It’s better. But I don’t have what my neighbors have. Traditions are not there. I can’t plan on Christmas parties and Thanksgiving or 4th of July parties. My daughter is messed up because she was between us and learned to manipulate. Dishonesty. And she’s an adult now and is in trouble with the courts. Her husband stands behind her and she’s trying to purge herself and get through her legal troubles. (By the way my parents were not an option. I knew if I went there I would be expected to pay rent, as well as pay my mom for babysitting because I would still have to work to pay them rent. And while my butt was in the chair working, my ex would have been pounding on their door to see his kids. Not much better than where I was at already.) I was blessed to find my husband when I needed someone. At the end of my rope. When we first met I didn’t see how bad it was going to get or how quickly. And it turns out my husband needed me as bad as I needed him. He had been cheated on by two previous wives. And I am very, very faithful. I am not angry at my parents. I am glad they didn’t raise me to be entitled. And I am very honest and trustworthy. My dad just “overstepped the mark.” My mom wasn’t as happy as she could have been if he had been more affectionate and giving. But she taught me responsibility. And I knew she loved me. And was proud of 22:06 me. I had high standards.

Miranda sounds like she was raised in a very religious household. I am proud that she's learning a woman is more than her birthing & homemaking worth

Thanks to caller #2, my cousin is also struggling with alcoholism and almost died this summer. Despite his rock bottom, he continues to drink. I plan to send him a letter and pray he’s ready for change.

“ comparing trauma…..” thank you, thank you, thank you thank you!

I love the question at the end for adult children: “how can I love you in this new season?” Brilliant!!

I felt the same way....my rape wasn't as bad as other people's rape. When in reality like he said, trauma is trauma. And having the one man in your world who should never...who you thought WOULD NEVER. Destroys you when he becomes the monster he should have been protecting me from. It's sad hearing it come from someone else. How she frames it in her mind. Makes me so sad for her and myself and women or men who deal with this type of trauma

Miranda, I did the same thing. I never told my family what was really going on in my marriage, I was afraid to tell because I wanted my family to like him, desperately. Also, when I left, I spoke well of him to others, and I ALSO didn't disclose to my divorce lawyer what was really going on. 😢 I regret this big time. I hope the best for you moving on! Work on your self worth and self love. Our lack of this is what keeps us in a relationship that is so destructive to us and our autonomy. It's death by a thousand cuts. It's hell on earth. My ex claimed to be a Christian but he tricked me into marriage and NEVER thought I'd leave....but I did! I'm on the road to self discovery and learning about red flags, boundaries, how to say no and stick by that as well as speaking up for myself no matter WHAT others think. I know me best, but my ex was determined to break me down until I DIDNT trust myself~ mission almost accomplished! ❤ Big hugs!

Dr John, you have a very eternally rewarding job brother! What gifts you have! The gift of listening + weeping with those who weep is evident in you.

I love that Dr. John brought up the seasonal side effect of Pittsburgh and how dark it is. I live in the Midwest and it is not easy for an addict during the winter. Sometimes you feel like you’re going crazy just to make it through the day. You deserve happiness. There are many addictions out there but alcoholism and substance abuse of any sort has the biggest stigma around it. Thank you for helping your brother. It takes a lot to step forward and say you have an issue too. Much love!!

This whole episode. 💔 My heart goes out to every caller. I’ve only been listening to John for a month or two but he’s such a supportive and helpful professional. Thank you

Amen Kelli. It is so hard! I am a 6 boy Momma.Son #4 getting married in 63 days. Wonderful and devastating at the same time.

This was a very powerful episode. My Love and prayers for every caller. May they all receive the comfort, healing, support and encouragement they need.

Ugh, I was that wife too......I got out within a little over a year, and never looked back. He was a sociopath; sounds like her husband is as well. So glad that lady got out; God bless her.

It's so beautiful how Kelly so clearly articulated those controversial feelings of having your child get married and have that spouse be "the most important". It is right, it's how it's supposed to be, but it's so lovely she's acknowledging that without dismissing her own feelings

All these calls are amazing! Really proud of caller number two the guy drinking and his brother talk about courage

Call 1 : based on my experience, yes people who care deserve an explaination, and people who are curious need an information as for you to keep your public image under control (as far as possible). " I decided to divorce because my ex-husband was not the man I had been engaged to. He showed up abusive full scope just few days into the marriage. That's all you need to know. And I do what it takes to heal and rebuild my sense of self worth. I appreciate your concerns. Thank you" . Hearing yourself saying this outloud is an affirmation of who you are becoming

John, what a beautiful way to encourage this man. What a way to walk beside him. Every successful 30 days of finding healthier coping skills to replace the selfsabatoge of alchohol being your only coping skill you will contribute to your community through me. WOW! Each day he will wake up knowing he has an opportunity to help the brothers and sisters of the siblings who have no clue how to help them because of his financial contribution to his community facilitated by you. With that extra motivation he may be able to model new coping skills for his own brother. His brother may never articulate to him how closely he is watching him clear the path out of the wilderness they have both been walking since childhood. He is watching. Just imagine how clear that path will be for others when he and his brother are walking side by side clearing it for their next generation.

Min 37...doc., you made me cry! That's awesome! Your words & encouragement to that man will hopefully carry him through sobriety ❤

Kudos to Christopher, it takes a lot to admit and see flaws within oneself. Hope the best for you and your brother. May God give you the strength to overcome alcoholism and become sober.

Was with an alcoholic for 9 years, and I was(am) co-dependent. Four years later, I still can't let anyone in. There's some narcissistic tendencies with many alcoholics, and it hooked me in a rock-bottom way.

caller, Marie, is so awesome ❤ 😢 with you. May God continue to bless you and your daughter.

That's me! 43yrs of dealing with an Alcholic that dose not remember the next day! My adult kids finely said to me to file for a divorce.

And today I learned about sexual coercion and emotional manipulation.

Isn't this just empty nest syndrome? (Last caller) I went through great sadness when each child left home. Take heart. As time passes, the sadness lessens.😊,

To the heart mama, I HEAR YOU!!! My daughter has what I would guess to be the same CHD's/liver issues. She's about 10 years younger, but it's HARD as they start to grow up and (thankfully) not need us as much. We've lived our lives in much the same way, no holds barred, no bubbles, to the fullest. I needed to hear this call, so THANK YOU!

The conversation with the mom was excellent. Very helpful. Thx John.

I used to relate so much to the first woman's story. So grateful for the healthy relationship i have today. Good for you beautiful! You deserve so much better!!!❤

My sons are grown and married. But when they were teenagers/young adults, they would go so frustrated with something I would say or do that they already knew how to do. "Mom! we KNOW how to do whatever!!" And I would apologize to them, saying, "It took me YEARS to learn how to be a Mom and now that I'm good at it I have to work myself out of the job." And it's true, the most important job I will ever have was being a Mom. Now I belong to a church that I'm 40 years older than my pastor and when I kept showing up, I discovered that i was at least 30 years older the the rest of the people there. So I became Mama pretty quickly to any and all who wanted one. Now that our church has grown in numbers there are lots of ages involved. But the small group of original members still call me Mama or sometimes Grandma. I have never felt so loved and accepted by any group of people as I have with my church "kids."

Parents let your children go when they marry. Don’t be co dependant on them. They are individual selves with ambitions and aspirations and their own little journey called life. My mil didn’t let her son go until we moved 800 miles away 14 years into marriage. Wasted time. Should’ve moved immediately. Would’ve saved me a lot of pain.

I feel for you. I was in an abusive marriage for 5 years. I speak openly abd honestly. He wishes I would keep quiet because he cares about his inage in society but for me to heal completely part of the healing is talking about what happened. One tkme he kicked me so hard that I still have problems. He threw keys at me misding my eye. I was afraud of him. I was one of the lucky ones that actually got out. He was is a monster

Oh this was the most intense episode ever😢.

Miranda mentioned that she had run into overtime, mutual friend of theirs, and she said it didn't go well. I assume that means the person confronted her, and that she didn't this other person what had happened to her. It's very hard to stay silent when people on the periphery come into your space and challenge something that is none of their business. An explanation is not something that is owed to these ppl, so DO talk to a counselor also about what you can do or say when people have the nerve to confront you about the situation, and who are not entitled to know

The first woman needs to understand narcissism, so she doesn't get prayed on by another abusive bully. Sounds like she's learned a lot, but she deserves so much better. Wishing her a much better relationship/marriage ahead.

This sounds like my life story but I'm a nearly 40 year survival, I kept it so quietly that now its a shock to the very few close older Christian women that keep me in prayer. Its sooo painful my Dr. Tolled me that my heart beat was so weak it almost stop beating...😢

So very sad, I know this walk of no one standing by you and believing in you and walking alone

I needed to hear this. I have a very similar story to hers and i always separated myself from what actually happened, but hearing her story and hearing you give her the validation she needed it broke me down. I found videos of me on my exes phone that he had taken while i was sleeping. He was doing horrific things to me in my sleep and i didnt know. When i found the videos i was in shock it was like i couldnt believe what i was looking at. We lived together and i wasnt making enough money at the time to move out on my own so i just kept it to myself and didnt tell anyone. Time passed and things got worse, and started turning abusive. Finally one night i it got bad and the cops were called and there was a female cop that i felt comfortable enough to tell what i found. I still dont feel comfortable calling it by what it was because this is someone i lived with and i had loved. The police officer was telling me i needed to press charges and what he was doing was considered rape, but i excused it because this is someone that i was willingly sleeping and living with. Anyway, this video helped me to realize that perhaps i also dissassociated myself from the situation as well.

Im so so tired of being dismissed and minimized. 😮 Standing up for truth😮😅

You need to clip this conversation with Kelly and share it! I have several people that need to hear it.

I’m so grateful for every lesson on consent I got growing up 🧡 lots of people really think they are entitled to their spouses bodies with or without permission, but that is not true 🧡 I hope that woman is healing and doing well 🧡 something I wish I had been told when I was younger is that it’s okay to end relationships with toxic family members 🧡

Marie, I get it. I swear I could have been you in that same call. I also was told my sweet baby girl wouldnt live to be 2yrs old. Next month she will 24 yrs old. Every day, every thought , went to keep my daughter alive but to also give her all the experiences her life could handle. I get all the feelings you are feeling. In my case I finally could release all those years of fear, not becasue she was cured, but because she made it to a point in her life I could have only hoped and prayed for. I was given no hope but she did it! We did it! Take a moment to exhale. Be joyful your daughter made it to this huge step! I have to tell you, wait until she gives you your first grandchild. That is a sweetness I cou;d never imagine for her! Cry, but also cry some of those tears with joy for her achieving this huge step! Congratulations!

Thank you! This was so important! Thank you for seeing it was even worse without her even saying it! To many call you out for an non existing evidence... You saw the ecidence in her behaviour. Thank you for seeing her!

Oh I'm so sorry baby love. Please get healing, your pain and trauma is real

There is nothing more frustrating, disgusting or disturbing than to hear these stories about abuse and find out the mother of the abused woman has not believed and called her child a liar and ultimately turned her back on her child! This makes my blood boil! I’m sorry. But every sorry excuse for a mother that has done this to her child should be thrown in prison for extreme child neglect, even though her child is now an adult. When you have a child that is a gift from God, and God is trusting you with that precious gift! So if you fail at your job as a mother then you should have VERY SEVERE, EXTENSIVE CONSEQUENCES!!!

The first caller's husband have something from cluster B, narcissism or psychopaty. The moment we got married.... Yes when they know they got you they change. We should learn in schools about these kinds of people, people can't rap their head around them because they are different.

That last - yeah. So Dr John said I wish there were more in the world - hope he understands - there are! They generally aren’t the ones calling in though so it can seem there aren’t many. From my view, we’re everywhere. Going through tough things, focused on doing good for the kids or the people around us.

One detail about the first call that i find so profound and infuriating was how she mentioned they went to counseling to work through what happened, NOT because it happened, but she couldnt be intimate anymore and wanted to work through how to go back to satisfying her sexual abuser. This woman worked so hard to make her marriage work, and she has every right to sing her story from the rooftops, reframe her own story from what she'd initially told others and probably herself as well.

Wow, that sounds like just like my ex husband only he never apologized for raping me the whole 10 years we were together. I have 2 kids with the monster and left just over a year ago. Now my kids are alienated from me. So glad you got out and didn't have kids with him! Good for you girl. I wish I could have been as string as you. The final straw for me has developing epilepsy. The seizures stopped almost immediately after I left and when I was safe enough to confess to my neurologist that I was in an abusive relationship, she confirmed the abuse was the cause.

This Dr. is amazing!

Dr Delony is Good People.

This sounds like the typical narcissist and co-dependent relationship. She needs to get some counseling. Even her explanation about why she is not comfortable with using the word rape in connection with her husband's sexual abuse screams co-dependent. Covering for him also, is typical. I am convinced the way you treat a narcissist is to go no contact, if possible, they don't change. He is gaslighting her and he is not going to change, and she needs to be aware of his flying monkeys too. She is using words like gaslighting and so that tells me she has figured out he is a narcissist, now she needs help healing from her trauma. Hopefully she will get some understanding about narcissism and co-dependency, so she does not make the same mistake with the next person she gets into a relationship with. The fact that her family is not so supportive does not surprise me. I figured there had to be some trauma in her past or even childhood in order for her to be so co-dependent. I am so happy to hear she is seeing a counselor. I hope it is someone who can recognize what is going on here.

Dude, heavy intro. Rape is a crime, married or not.

I wouldn't want to live close to my mom or other family if I was in a similar situation. I moved 600 miles away from family for other reasons.

Miranda you don’t deserve that crap and that coheres control behavior is sick

First call. Identical to my marriage I was in.

This caller might like a book called Untangled by Terri Savelle Foy. Now, that author has a rep for being sort of prosperity Bibleish, like a Christian motivational speaker… on the RU-vid funnel circuit l, but her books are right on and Untangle is amazing. It has served many women who were in this type of relationship. I gave it as a gift to a dear friend of mine when her marriage went haywire and bad drugs entered her husband’s mind frame. Similar story to this caller. I have no idea if caller’s man was on drugs but … my friend said the book was like therapy and helped her feel less alone and more understood. If it could help here, I’d send this gal a copy.

So sorry

He would pinch me bruise my arm. Yell at me. Very controlling in every area. He would push me belittle me. Shove me.

I lived that life and it’s horrifying!!

Great show

Ultimately she is making the right decision to divorce and move on. I do think she needs to keep seeing a therapist to work through and to develop a plan for any future dating or relationship.

14:30 THIS is what I need to do ❤

To the Christian lady that decided to divorce, you were hoping that he would change. So what eventually happens to women that stay in these situations, they eventually become afflicted with some kind of illness, Hey count yourself Free,of the bad baggage and allow the Lord to mend you. You did the right thing.

First caller was dealing with a real Toxic Person.

Omg he’s so right

You’re soon to be ex is a narcissist, and he was good at what he did, but you got away and then more that you go away the worst they get

It's a very generous offer to make a donation in his name but maybe consider making the donation to his community instead? That way it can directly benefit him as well as others? Just a thought😊

Man this dr guy is a good guy.

That mother is still not going to take a breath..she is going to worry about if the dude is going to watch over her correctly

For Miranda, a good book: "Safe People" by Cloud & Townsend.

Sad to say but this happens so iften happens in Christian environments. They expect the wives to be compluant and submissive, but the men get away with just about anything. Its shocking

Miranda I hope you find this helpful. My now ex-husband wouldn't allowed to be on any social media. I finally ended my 24 year marriage. My ex would tell me the story he wanted people to think. He wanted everyone to think he was God. He made me have sex when I said no and talked me into things I was against. On the outside everyone like him. In my house he was putting us through hell. My lawyer made me see that what ever it took to get rid of him I will be better off. To say he got everything he wanted is the truth. Our adult children want nothing to do with him. I have the truth and the ability to start over. You are now in the Survivor Club. Live an Authentic life Self care Theapy all different kinds. In time you will find amazing people that will have your back. I am sending you my thoughts and prayers I hope you feel better soon.

Touching show. Wow!

The man with the alcoholic brother. Please go to an Al Anon meeting 💙

It would be great if there were a way to alert other women about these men. I think it was tried before but it had to be shut down bc angry women made false accusations. Too bad.

To that last caller, yeah, sorry men will NEVER feel these things like we Moms. We carry them, we birth them, we develop a bond pre-birth. Men will never know the awesome mystery of that.

John does know enough about the situation to give this advice

This is my life from 15 to 28 with a man 10 years older I’m so confused.

Man, that was good!

Or is it time for patience ?

DEAR SISTER, I LOVE YOU. WHAT HAPPENED IN YOUR CHILDHOOD?❤and I, too ❤ something happened in our childhood, Sister ❤🙏🌹

So shaming to talk to families for people

On the flip side how about men who deal with this type of abuse?