Is Monogamy Realistic for Gay Men? 

Thanks for watching y’all. I love healthy and respectful discourse. I am by no means an expert on the subject. Please share your thoughts and experience if you feel open to it. As always, be well. Love & peace ❤️✌🏽

Being a gay man i was in a monogamous relationship for 12 years and parted ways with my partner because i wanted us to move and explore and grow together in another state and he was very comfortable staying as is and we parted ways leaving me single for 14 years. I met another wonderful man 14 years later and we just celebrated our 13th anniversary when we became partners and we married 2 years ago in August and are very happy in a healthy gay monogamous relationship as a gay married couple. Yes, gay monogamy is realistic!

I am very monogamous but I understand it’s not for everyone, but it is definitely for me. I want to be married.

I still want that Disney fairytale love story. Between STDs, being more introverted, and needing that person who feels like family and a friend leads me to monogamy.

Not all men gay or straight are horn dogs. I am an older man that came out at age 42 and I only have had 2 partners in 22 years. I am considered good- looking so it was not because I didn't get offers. Monogamy is definitely a possibility for some of us.

Monogamy is not a set up for failure. It works. Both people need to simply have the same core values. It's not hard at all. You have to want it.

Having a monogamous relationship has always been my relationship goal.😢

Ive been with my husband for 32 years. We met in 1991. Ive never tipped out on him and i believe hes the same- He's more an honest person than i - so i think i know him to be faithful. I have gay friends who are monogamous for 25+ years. We fought for marriage equality for a reason!!!!😊 MONOGAMY

My partner and I have been in a monogamous relationship for the past 22 years and believe it or not our sex life is WAY better now than when we were younger. We have many couple friends also in monogamous relationships. It's definitely possible but certainly not for everyone.

I'm gay and monogamy comes naturally to ME. When I hear people like you speak about this topic, I get the feeling how much emphasis you have to put on sex in order not to offend anyone. As if sex is everything in today's society and you are attacking something untouchable for gay men while we don't talk enough about love, emotional intelligence in men or other equally important topics, for example. On the contrary, people are terrified to talk about love, feelings, the vulnerable, the real, but how dare you not give this hyperbolic importance and place to sex in front of the gay community? Here you walk on quicksand and you have to be careful. I really feel the effort of how all the arguments end up justifying sex as the epicenter of our lives. And you don't have to try so hard to magnify sex and normalize having it with all God to win some popularity contest or be politically correct knowing that your audience is mostly gay men. Of course, sex is important but there is much more, just as and more important. And sex is not what makes a relationship a relationship. Or are asexual people in romantic relationships not having as legitimate a relationship as anyone else just because they don't have sex? This would be a very simplistic and reductionist thought, which I feel sorry for. A relationship is much more. Personally, as a gay man I don't feel represented with this idea that just because I'm gay I have to have random hookups with everyone. That a hypersexualized life with multiple people is what drives and defines me for being a man and gay. That because I'm a man and gay, I cannot be faithful to my partner and I cannot want what straight people have without this implying a horde of gays taking offense and attributing to me a heteronormative life which I don't want because I'm not conventional at all, even though I'm monogamous. Because being monogamous or not has nothing to do with life paradigms but rather what comes naturally to who you are. And I value quality more, even with the effort that this entails and ''also'' the benefits these efforts bring to the relationship, than quantity. I don't judge open or poly relationships but questioning whether it is realistic or natural for two men to love each other romantically and sexually exclusively is like a question taken out of this gay dystopia that this paraphernal society is creating. It's like... and gay men like me? I have to be ashamed, or silence or censor myself for being politically correct just because I feel and think differently than this (often unhealthy and pathological) way of life where constantly having sex with new people, and the more the merrier, be a normativity that I'm supposed to take? No. And that doesn't make me less of a man or less gay. I want a monogamous relationship and have always wanted it. In my opinion, in this world there is room for all kinds of people and preferences. I just feel that people like me and a few are being made invisible or viewed with skepticism or condescension, and it's very difficult to find someone who wants the same. It sucks to be a minority of a minority. Very lonely, and it seems that today you have to say that you love to f*ck with everyone if you want to look cool. And no, I don't like f*cking everyone. Get over it. I don't need more than the person I love. But if people need more and want more, good for them. If there is no damage to third parties, go for it. If there are agreements and respect, do it. I support people's decisions, but please don't say that monogamy is not sustainable or not natural because it's total ignorance. I prefer to forge bonds and connections and something emotional with one person. And have all the sex in the world with them. But that's how I feel, because for me it's not easy to create these things with just anyone. That's why it never ceases to amaze me when someone says that they've found several partners at the same time. Another question is to wonder why people get into a relationship so many times in the first place, and go from there. Then I watch TV shows like Heartstopper and I see something sweet and innocent and pure which reminded me of my own feelings and expectations of life years ago, and then I remember my community and how fake that can be. Most of all I feel sorry for young gay guys who might think they'll find something like this easily, when statistically this is not a reality for most. I thought that way in my pre-adolescence and had hope in my teen years, but... reality prevailed. Cheating or open relationships. But the most ironic thing about it's to see the entire gay community agree on the ideal of this show xD while later you see how they perpetuate a very, very different reality, cause they want it and they don't know how to live in any other way, it doesn't matter if that destroys their mental health or not. They don't know how to stop it and there are times when it seems that the social imposition in the gay community makes us feel that there are no other alternatives. It's sad, but regardless of that, we natural (not forced) monogamous gays exist. We are few apparently, but we exist. And I don't need to justify anything in order for people to believe me or believe that I can't have a beautiful and healthy relationship with another person and feel happy and fulfilled with it and my life. Do what works for you but don't diminish what you don't feel or understand. The heteros already did that to us and it's not pleasant at all. Greetings.

I’m all for it when the right one comes along I’m freshly single again and I’m just focusing on myself. I find that our community is to focused on sex everywhere you turn everything is sexualized in our community the people that are in monogamous relationships don’t get the attention they should to show something other than sex and lust

My Spouse and I have been in a Monogamy relationship for twenty eight years, don’t get me wrong, there is always temptation , especially when sometimes you disagree with each other on certain issues. I am ten years older than him, and I feel very fortunate that we have each other. We got married when marriage was passed. I am, and do love him completely , in time the love turns into something more special, you don’t notice things about the other one That might of bothered you when you both got together. It’s an amazing love that takes hard work and am very fortunate that I met him. I can honestly say, I would die for him, and by the way, he act’s like the older man. I always remembered a saying, don’t look for love, love will find you when you least expect it. I believe that gay couples could live a life time together if you both work together.

Been with the same guy for 30 years in April 2023.

This really depends on you and your partner. I have had different types of relationships, what I learned is honesty is the key to making any of them work. Without honesty even the best intentions will fail

if you're not monogamous, rules for the open relationship are made. What you can do with another person, the restrictions are there and more often than not broken. Also, so much disease out there, I'd be fearful of that. Monogamy is is a goal that few achieve. Quincy, you rock.

I just think that we're all individuals, and the world isn't one size fits all. What works for one, may not work for another. We should do what makes us happy, and we shouldn't try to fit into spaces we don't belong. I think the issues is, we look at humans as a general whole, and the reality is, as we have different personalities, traits, upbringing, our nature vs nurture, there isn't a definitive answer, the answer is different for each individual. I want to be married, and that's what works for me.

Respecting someone is. Not wanting to hurt them is. Valuing their presence is. The challenge is finding the person that YOU love. It is not enough to be loved - that is easy - all you do is bask in the attention. Are you settling? And, more disturbing, are you being settled for? People have hearts, no matter what the porn and the erotica and the social media platforms will tell you. And, time passes by more quickly than you think. The day after tomorrow, you will suddenly find yourself in your 50's and realizing that the one that slipped through your fingers is the one that you actually wish was there to hold, to hold you, and to share your kisses. Trust me.

Monogamy In a gay relationship can exist.. that’s actually what I’m looking for, had it at one point but all in all just cause you gay it doesn’t defeat the fact you wanna be with one person.

So glad you’re on this topic Quincy.Just finished watching the whole video: First I want to say I’m a monogamous person and a hopeless romantic. Second: People shouldn’t tell other gays how to live their lives and how they do relationships BUT what I noticed most of time it’s because say if Me ( A monogamous guy) was trying to get to know or date another guy a lot of times the guy doesn’t make it clear if they are monogamous so some guys tend to waste other people times by not being clear or honest if they are monogamous, open or just sleeping around. That to me is the problem and most of time people always end up getting hurt because of not clear communication. Third: Look at today’s media, social media, tv, magazines, porn etc. Our generation is very hyper sexualized and the gay community is even more of that. It’s okay if you want to explore sleep around etc. Though since everything is so visual it puts expectations on every guy for example you have to be skinny, fit, light skin, six pack etc. Then there’s the idea of not settling which is a whole topic in itself. So with that it makes monogamy especially for gays hard to come by. Final: Not everyone wants to sleep around or be open but due to the gay community being less monogamous it forces us monogamous people into open relationships because that’s the closest some of us will get to monogamy (I’ve never been in an open relationship btw speaking in general) .

I’m for monogamy all the way! Intimacy with one person is far important for me .

i think with younger guys , i think its a time to explore your sexuality and kinda just do it and get it over with . There will be a time when you kinda get over all that and you want a relationship with people .

One of the keys, is communication between the two individuals regarding a monogamous or open relationship. Part of the problem is when one person decides to make an adjustment(change)and not tell the other! Issues will arise but we must be able to discuss them and reshape the agreement. If this is not applicable? Then we must come to another joint decision. Everyone’s relationship is different. It’s finding what works for you that can be challenging. As a hopeless romantic, I believe in monogamy which has to be mutually agreed upon. Thanks for another great video!👍🏾

I am so happy you brought this topic up. I always believed in monogamy. Any relationship I had men would be very disrespectful at the start of our relationship. Flirting with other guys, sex or texting with other guys then it would put me off and some part of me would eventually emotionally shut down and I would then do the same and as the relationship progressed when whoever I was with would be more emotionally invested in me than I was in them because of how it went down in the beginning. I know this is something I need to work on but as I have gotten older I tend to not want any type of relationship and stay single. I am not sure if I could be in An open relationship. It’s not something I aspire to be in but I don’t knock it if other guys are open. I just think honesty is key. I do know other men that are in monogamous relations but they tend to more feminine, older and less attractive. Hot guys tend to be sluts. I think two men being together is generally quite hard.

It honestly depends on the two parties if they’d like a 3rd or 4th partner in the relationship or not. Personally I’d love to be in a monogamous relationship once I’m in love with someone my heart is only for that person so, a polygamous relationship simply wouldn’t work for me personally.

I do have a gay relative who has been with his bf for 14y monogamous. He inspired me a lot. On the opposite side Heterosexuals showed me cheating from Monday to Monday. Looool I do believe, after few years with someone, people can try to open their couple or try other "dishes", but gay culture becomes more like: i am with you, but I also want half the neighborhood, within 1y dating... We don't know favorite colors, families, friends, favorite dish, what we dislike...... but they know the size of every guy around.

That's why I'm single. I have yet to find the one I'd like to be monogamous with. If I ever find them I would be done with sleeping around. But I think a successful monogamous relationship has to more than about sex. The two of you would have to genuinely like each other in other ways and focus on other things instead of sex. IMO.

Trust is so hard to build, and for this to be the shattering piece of any relationship can be terrifying. This is a topic I really struggle with a lot. Not because I don't care for monogamy at all, or that I want a completely open relationship at all points in time. It's a topic I struggle with because no one knows the future, and the piece you mentioned about confronting the feelings can be hard. Knowing you want to confront the feelings when you know (hopefully) your partner so well makes you "that person." One way or another. You could end up being the person dealing with wanting or NOT wanting to be open or otherwise in terms of lifestyle. Though, at the end of the day you should just be getting to know your entire sense of self

I have NEVER encountered a strictly monogamous gay couple.

This was a great conversation to have. I have some thoughts: I often disagree that we in the LGBTQIA+ community think about sex more than the straight community. If we look at history, sex is a common thought through the larger society of people but I believe gay sex has been attacked and demonized by the straight community so that their sex seems normal and non existent. When you then compare the two, people will see us and say it’s hard for us to have a relationship because we are Sex focused… but that is sloppy argument building. We are no more focused on sex than anyone else. Because of this I also believe that what will make monogamy even harder than it has historically been is the advent of technology. People couldn’t be monogamous simply leaving their homes when they were living in a village, much less monogamous by seeing a nude sent to them on the internet. The issue is that monogamy was the only option given so people had no choice but to either sneak or get caught cheating but historically many people were polyamorous. Again with technology we have a braver generation who is saying we are not being forced on how to love and who to love. Do I think it is realistic to strive for monogamy. Of course. Do I think it is difficult yes. Why to both my answers? Because you have to find the right person who also wants monogamy (not everyone has a more people desire) and it’s difficult if you are trying to make someone fit your desire that is not naturally something they want. We can’t do this for someone we like, we have to do it for ourselves.

You know its weird how time can change people. Younger me would be like "Monogamy" only but now I’m at a place where I still like and seek out monogamy but I can understand why people would go for non-monogamy. I can say that its something that I could possibly consider if I loved someone and they brought up the idea. At the end of the day though neither is superior and people should be free to discover what type of relationship works best for them without being shamed for it. I really enjoy the perspective you bring to these topics you discuss in your videos, great work!

My main thoughts right now is to be honest. Honest with your partner but more so with yourself. And also respectful. I could go on for hours but long story short I believe loving and caring is built on honesty, trust and respect. Even if it may hurt. I'd rather have someone say they don't like me and mean it than say they love me and not mean it. But yes I believe gay monogamy is possible maybe even more than straight relationships.

I am so tired of hearing this question about monogamy and fidelity. If it is not natural to you then the answer is no. It is natural to me and I have always insisted on it, if that means being alone the rest of my life then great, I am fine with that. If you are fucking tons of guys or hooking up with others while in a "relationship" then you are not really in a relationship. You are calling one guy your husband, boyfriend, partner, while you shop for someone better. To me the fact that I have committed to one man means even if it is not always easy you stick to that man and do not go out shopping around on him, and if he does on you then there is no relationship. You are basically roommates with benefits till you find something better. If monogamy is a sacrifice you find too hard then you are not relationship material, and it really is all about trust. I think you cannot claim to love someone you do not trust. And sorry but being roommates without this boundary just is not for a lot of us, it is not enough to base a relationship upon.

Monogamy is not possible in haft relationships. If anyone says otherwise they are kidding themselves. I have been in a relationship for 24 years and after the first year discovered in was only me being monogamous. His only focus was finding the next meet. I have tried everything . Having an open relationship, having meets together with other guys ect and he was still meeting up with other people . About 5 years ago I chucked his stuff out of my room and said I wasn’t sharing my bed or anything else with him anymore. We are now like 2 friends who barely get on. I wish he had been honest at the beginning as at least I could of had a chance of finding the relationship I wanted. I still love him but couldn’t ever have him near me again

Quincy, I think you throw out some brilliant topics of conversation that are essential for gay people and for the rest of the LGBTQI+ community to open up and discuss really important matters. I find you truly switched on and genuinely authentic. Wishing you GREAT SUCCESS on your RU-vid Channel journey. I think you will go on to a big justified following. You are helping many people navigate their way through life. Well done. Love your clips a great deal. Seb, Sydney Australia

Myself and partner have been together for 8 years coming on 9 and I met him when I was 25 I’m now 33 and we are expecting a baby girl imminently ! We have had ups and downs as with every relationship and grown and learnt along the way. We love each other and wanted to build a family unit together and that means full bodied commitment. Gay men can be monogamous, unfortunately the gay stereotype of being promiscuous is so deeply rooted it seems most men are accepting of that, when in actual fact we can be fully committed, we can marry we can have kids, we can buy a home together. Heteronormativity is becoming saturated and all of the above is available to us all irrespective of our sexual orientation, monogamy is not solely for heterosexuals it is an open term used to describe the dyadic relationship between two individuals. Sadly sex seems to be all we know of being gay men when there is so much more to our evolution than that… a lot of us come with baggage which needs unpacking and the people who manage to start unloading find it easier to avoid continually scratching an itch.. sadly the way sex is so easily obtainable through dating apps doesn’t help it’s a rabbit hole. Monogamy is not for everyone but I’m tired of people thinking that gay men are simply promiscuous …

I think anything is possible so long as you and your partner(s) all agree on it. I’m not gonna pretend like I haven’t judged relationships that aren’t monogamous, but I have to check myself and remember that just because it doesn’t work for me, doesn’t mean it won’t work for someone else. The way my jealousy is set up, I need monogamy because it’d hurt to see someone I love being intimate with someone else. Personally, I look at it like this: having our cake and eating it too is utopic, but in life, sacrifices must be made. Post-nut clarity is a great thing, and that nut ain’t worth sacrificing a great relationship at home TO ME.

“I always thought monogamy was brown veneer furniture that you had to polish all the time”. Robin Tyler

I’ve never seen a successful open gay relationship and I’ve never been to a gay wedding. I have seen however many people get married and divorce, my thing is how does the relationship evolve past boyfriends ? It’s the fact that people can be comfortable benefiting from legal marriage but be open in stepping out on that for sexual gratification. It needs to be classified differently, the point of marriage is to close the relationship and lock it in not keep it open !

I've been watching you on RU-vid for a while & you're an old soul with much wisdom. I'm gay like you, so I can relate to you being gay. Quincy, you are helping many others with your knowledge & I want to commend you for your honesty.

Gay, and proudly monogamous!

Flings and casual hook ups are fun and exciting, however, as life progresses with its myriad of challenges, eventually it's nice to have someone there for you. To hold you when your aunt dies, to hold you when a surgery is pending, to see you in your worst moments and love you. In my experience, many gay men have full lists of guys to hook up with but when shit hits the fan, none of those hook ups are there.

I fully believe that gay monogamy is realistic! Do I think it's easy or even natural? For the most part no. Personally monogamy feels very natural to me. Some gays feel the exact same and some disagree. It varies for everyone and that is fine. Relationships are hard and change over the years. What you and your partner found hot and fun in 2010 may not be hot and fun in 2030. As the relationship evolves you and your partner have to communicate all the more and allow room for growth in whatever direction and however uncomfortable. Where ever you fall on this debate it boils down to respect for your partner enough to be honest and trusting them enough to be vulnerable.

I'm leaving a comment because it's the thing to do.

Married and monogamous. Going on 31 years. Works just fine.

In addition to my previous comment, I think age and maturity also play a big part in being monogamous. I honestly really enjoy your you tube channel and wish you love, health and happiness in your new home.

Oh he’s posting more frequently ❤

Yes monogamy is possible if you truly love that person even in gay relationships. Seen gay guys being with one partner for a long time and they’re happy.

Lol, I posted my 1st comment on honesty before hearing you mention honesty!

Excellent videos Quincy! Love them! Regarding Gay monogamous relationships, prior to 1980 (the start of the AIDS horror), 95% of Gay couples either had an "open" relationship or one or the other cheated on each other. The word "boyfriend" did not exist in Gay lexicon. The word used back then was "lover". The "sliver lining" in the AIDS horror is that it made much of the Gay community more monogamous, something that I always preferred. Prior to 1980, when I was in my 20s, if I would say to a guy that I really liked him and wanted to see him again, many times they would say that I needed to leave soon, because their lover was coming home soon. Lover??!!! What the hell were they doing with me??? I used to get so pissed and upset over that, but it was what it was. Couples (boyfriends + Gay husbands / wives) are much more prevalent now-a days than back then.

I think 🤔 it is realistic. All relationships take work and effort 👌 but rewarding things always do 😉

When the shoe fits it is the best feeling!!!

Yes, I believe that monogamy is possible for gay men.

Monogamy is not the default for gay men because they have no societal pressure to settle down and raise a family. It can happen but it takes work! From my perspective, open relationships exist because some people think that a single person can’t satisfy all their demands so they include other people to compensate. But if you think about it, it’s very unrealistic to expect anyone to satisfy all your needs! The best you can wish for is someone who is compatible with you.

Quincy, you are fine fine. But I know for a fact that monogamy is definitely for me. 🤞🏾✨

thank you for making this video bc i've been looking so long for this

As people evolve and become more educated, they will opt out of traditional relationship norms. However, we always have a choice to be in any relationship we desire without judgment. There are all types of relationships. The goal is to choose the one you can be your authentic self in.

I've been with my husband 30 years. We have been monogamous for all that time. Honestly tricking around is such a bore especially when we've got everything we want at home. No drama no scenes no suspicion. If you know that mono. is not for you don't get into a committed relationship. All you are doing is lying to yourself and your partner.

I’m a 1 man woman! (It’s a song) I knew earlier on that I want to be married and have a family but I definitely get scared bcuz I feel like most ppl is into polygamy and it’ll effect me 🥴

I grew up in a place where it was illegal to be gay until I was 23 years old. So much has changed in since that time. Now that gay marriage is now legal, it will be interesting to see what gay men will say in 20 years time.

It helps to see that most things in the universe are on a continuum, and that includes gay relationships. It ranges from non monogamy to monogamy. We are all different, and our relationships vary.

Monogamy is attainable if that’s what you want. I came out in the early 80’s. It was a rough time with the emergence of AIDS. I was dating and enjoying my newly found self. By the time I was 27, I had already lost 2 boyfriends, 1 to leukemia and the other one to AIDS. I wanted a relationship, but most men were players back then. After not having any luck dating, I started seeing a shrink. He made realize I was not to blame for my failure in relationships. When I had an appointment, I would take myself out to dinner and enjoy my company. One Thursday night after dinner in the fall, I decided to go into Tiffany. I was nosing around looking at things that caught my eye. Someone tapped my shoulder. I turned around to face a taller, good looking man. Brown hair and eyes, a mustache and an inviting smile. He was dressed all in beige. He asked if I saw anything I liked. I thought “o.k., who’s screwing with me?”. After a few minutes of small talk, he asked if he could buy me a drink. I thought why not? We sat in a booth talking, lots of smiling. It was nice. 4 days later he called, asking me if he could take me to dinner, “anyplace you’d like to go”. I told him I was busy (Murphy Brown and Designing Women were on that night) and asked for a rain check. He sounded disappointed but said yes. After 20 minutes I thought how stupid I just was and called him back. We had a wonderful night. I thought “why is he nervous?”. After a few dates, he told me that he was seeing 2 other guys. I thought o.k. He was an adult and not living with his folks, he could do what he wanted. We dated throughout the year, as the months went by, he seemed to have more time for me. We were approaching our 1st anniversary. I told him that after 1 year, I wanted to be exclusive. He didn’t say too much. A week later he called saying he wasn’t ready to settle down, and asked if we could still be friends. I said I had many friends and was looking for something exclusive. I told him goodbye. After a week he called. He asked if he could take me to dinner. I said sure. He looked good, but preoccupied. After we ordered drinks, he started talking. He told me he’d been thinking what his life would be without me, and said I brought more into his life than anyone ever had. Would I take him back. I said yes. Then he asked what I’d like to do for our first anniversary. I said anything as long as it was expensive. After 3:years, we moved in to a little house together. We were excited making it our house. Both our families were happy for us. A few years ago, I wasn’t feeling well. Many doctors later, we found someone who came highly recommended. She wanted to do an exploratory on me. I was nervous. I woke up in recovery to find my husband (yes, we did get married) holding my hand. His eyes looked very watery. I said “hi”. I asked what happened. He said “it’s cancer”. Then it was my turn to cry. I had stage3 cancer. I had to begin oral chemo and radiation immediately. Then I’d have to have surgery. Infusion chemo after. I was very scared. He was too. After almost a year of treatment we went to see my surgeon for our last appointment. We went through her report, then she said “please don’t take this wrong, but I’m going to miss you two. In all my years as a surgeon, I’ve never worked with a couple who were more devoted to each other than you both”. We were dumbfounded. It was very flattering, but sad too. To think so many couples out there not being happy. It’s been a very rough few years. I had another cancer diagnosis. And last year we had to cancel our anniversary trip because I had to have emergency surgery. I look into my husbands eyes and see his fear. I know I’m very lucky, but I wish it could be like it used to be. In October, we’re going away for a week. He can relax, and we can have fun with our new puppy. How on earth did 34 years fly by so fast? I love him so much.

Seems like monogamy don’t happen in gay relationship and probably one reason I’m still single. I meet have met many gay men in my life and many had someone and after finding that out, I’m like why are you trying to go out with me? I do have many friends in long term supposedly and in a monogamists relationship, but wonder if they managed to stay together bc they see other ppl. Good question on of gays seek monogamous relationship bc I feel I’m doing something wrong by expecting to find someone that want the same thing. What also confuses me is that everyone from my generation say that monogamy is what they want but when they meet ppl. that want that also, all the sudden it doesn’t seem like that’s what they want. Lots of hypocrisy going on!

#MONOGAMY :) I agree different strokes for different folks, I've always had monogamous relationships. I prefer it for myself. I tried the open relationship in recent years because I thought maybe this was the remedy(I'm gay and it's what my relationship must be to sustain itself) for my challenged, struggled, not lasting relationships and it was not. It made it more challenging in my personal experience. At 44, I no longer see a lot of worth in investing in a relationship especially with the challenges of the day. I do however CRAVE just some ROMANCE even if sex is the focus, but ROMANCE is surely dead and that makes my soul cry:(

I’m really curious to know what the success rate for gay marriages is. Often when I hear success rates or divorce rates I don’t believe those to include gay marriages. I do believe that whatever journey to love someone chooses there should always be respect, loyalty and clear communication at the base of it all.

Great video Quincy! Thanks for opening up this discussion! as a monogamous I also have similar frustation when it comes to this topic. I want to contribute some of my takes on this, hopefully these can help: I think, sex is a part of relationship, but not the only part of relationship. intimacy can be mistaken as sex, but intimacy is not only sex. The possibility of both parties to think beyond sex and towards other form of intimacy will depend on their willingness to grow the relationship. But its hard, scary and messy. I can see its easier to find reason to change partner (as the novelty wither), therefore it might be the reason why gay dating is so sexualised. but the real underlying problem is not addressed. When it comes to examples to endure growth, Heterosexual couples have more exposures of experiences for their struggles in post-honeymoon phase in a relationship (e.g having kids and shift of priorities in the relationship). I can also see there's not much of 'realistic stories' (films/novels and such) on long-term struggles of gay relationship for us to learn from (especially compared to heterosexual couples). So, most of us do trial-and-error method and its frustating, exhausting, and eventually might erode feelings of hope. if we add this reality to how discussing about feelings deemed 'unmanly', we got more desperation with lust as the background. To base sexual attraction as a main oundation in relationship, i think, might lead to a series of failed ones, this is might be why 'opening up' monogamous relationship might be an alternative panacea for some. but then, it may give additional risks - esp. emotional risk (trust, lies, covering up, etc.). so, more complication :S Now, I'm not trying to be a prude here, I know sex is fun (yas), but it can also be quite intoxicating. Therefore, it can also be addictive, especially being coupled with the intention to medicate the feelings of loneliness/validation/desirability. (Velvet Rage by Alan Downs talked about this) So is it realistic? Well, its seems not impossible but yes its really hard. please dont lose hope! I guess, the solution i can think of is to be more mindful when it comes to sex and relationship. not necessarily becoming a monk tho, lol

I will say for me personally, I’ve been married to my Husband for almost 6 years. We didn’t it was possible, but we created our own little world with each other.

To me its not about sex, when it comes to monogamy . It’s about respect , commitment , and love . It’s simple if you truly love the person you will be monogamous. Yes there will be occasions where temptation creeps up ( it’s called life ) , that’s where love and respect for your partner comes into play . And discipline . Second , I respect my body and my health , statistically if you choose not to be monogamous in a relationship your chances of getting any STDs are greater , or getting Infected with HIV , no matter how careful or having safe sex . Hot sex leads from one thing to another . And the worst thing would be transmitting any disease to you partner . So in conclusion , to me an open relationship is redundant it’s a convenience based on other psychological needs . So I personally have high expectations when and if I go into a relationship. If you set the bar low , that’s what you’ll attract. Common values , good companionship communication and yes good sex are very important however the latter ( sex) doesn’t last when you enter the fall and winter of your life . Love does.

Enjoy your evening Quincy Jay and great stuff on here and it’s best to be honest with ourselves first. And for me I’m just single all my life 🏳️‍🌈

Obvious answer is yes, but I just wish people would be clearer about their intentions. The whole I'm bored so let's invite others into the bedroom has always turned me off, but it's so common with gay couples. Hopefully it gets better after my 20's idk.

I really hope you find that monogamous relationship you are actually looking forward to. You would deserve it. In my experience monogamy is also a choice and a decision its as simple as that. There will be days when you will find someone else also attractive but you decide not to have sex with them because something or someone else is more important. Its not that complex or complicated but guys tend to make a big deal out of it. Also, it just simply became social pressure , gay social pressure to hook up all the time. Honestly I feel under represented in the gay community with my monogamous wishes. I dont judge anyone and also been through the hook up phase but still even while going through it I just knew that monogamy is something more close to me... however when I try to talk about it, specially about love I get a lot of weird looks. As a last point, the hook up culture also doesnt allow for someone to experience love in a way where you can experience sex with your partner in multiple ways. I meet guys who literally have never experienced someone loving them and having sex that way and I dont necessary mean that it has to be tender and with candle light... I just mean the variety of it let it be hard or soft sex...so to see that they only know how to have sex with a complete stranger (or in that way only ) is rather sad. Nothing which cant be changed with experience but again, I was also surprised to see that its a thing.

I will say, I’m starting to become fatigued with the Monogamy/Non-monogamy conversation. Oftentimes, it becomes a versus match and people pulling all types of theories or stats to support their side either way. So THANK YOU for having a more nuanced conversation that didn’t solely resort to pitting one against the other. I just want the entire conversation to evolve to being okay with the fact that there will always be variation in human/animal behavior. People have options in choosing what relationships style is best for them. I do have a question though. Has anyone experienced an air of “intelligentsia” with conversations around non-monogamy? I’m all for it as a viable option BUT lately it feels like some proponents of non-monogamy view themselves almost as “The Talented Tenth” to use Du Bois’ concept. Or only a certain intellect or class of people will be successful in it? Maybe it is just my experience. And to be fair, monogamists participate in similar problematic behavior; especially with monogamy being the dominant relationship style for a long ass time now! Also, to your marriage question, some non-monogamous/poly dynamics have symbolic marriages and are pushing for legal marriage.

divorce happens for MANY reasons, some that have nothing to do with infedelity. YOU decide who and what you feel you desire. I assure you, there is no concrete evidence for or against monogamy..the variables are too broad. Being gay doesnt remove you from any condition, your life just doesnt include certain variables. I always think that its a mistake to append things to an entire group or subgroup. We really are no different from any other sub culture of humanity we, as a community, tend to create or accept those partitions.

ok so this is a great discussion topic, however, I somehow got lost when you were on the screen. You are way to attractive to have these kinds of discussions on youtube. The first video that popped up on my feed today, youtube did something right.

it’s ironic I’m planning to do a video about monogamy and poly. I was intrigued by the throuple on youtube “you poly ain’t ready” and how they make things work in ALL aspects.

GREAT topic , great conversation 😊👏

The guy who tweeted that you should try to be monogamous was jumped on because the other guys felt guilty, bitter, or cheated on so they don't want others to be in happy monogamous relationships. The connection you make with someone through monogamy is so much more deep and "real" than a partner that you have and then screw other people on the side. Most, I'll say all, people don't have the ability to not mix sex and emotional attachment. If you're going to be with someone and then screw other people on the side then don't bother getting married. It makes a complete joke out the institution of marriage which is commitment for life. I have no respect for married or partnered men who screw other people on the side.

Gay 44 and married. I've never been into open relationships.

I think monogamy is very much natural. To many people it’s impossible to love more than one person romantically, it’s just how monogamous people process these emotions. I am bi and hang out with gays most of the time, and most of them are also monogamous, so I kinda assumed it was natural.

As a straight woman, I don’t see monogamy as “heteronormative”, but just a type of relationship anyone can choose to do. There are plenty of straight people who are polyamorous, asexual/nonromantic, independent, religiously chaste, or what have you, who don’t practice monogamy for personal, economic, spiritual or cultural reasons. I assume the same with homosexual relationships - there are many variables as to why anyone would practice monogamy. I’m incredibly romantic, introverted, practical, loyal, religious and I value saving myself for my future husband (never had a boyfriend because I dislike casual relationships and I’m comfortable being alone). Growing up, I’ve noticed that people who sleep around or jump from one relationship to the next tend to be unstable people, regardless of gender or sexuality. I wish people would appreciate sex and/or marriage as the heavenly gifts they are and not take them for granted.

I think that gay monogamy is realistic from both a social and a sexual point of view. Having been in monogamous relationships for most of my adult life and part of my teens, I know it is possible/can work (longest relationship was 14 years). Relationships aren't Disney events (full of rainbows/unicorns and fairy tales). Both guys have to be passionate about each other and dedicated to the relationship. Lust is easy, but love is hard. You have to choose love each and every day while remembering that cute fades so you need to have commonality to hold things together as well as doing other things to keep the relationship fresh and exciting. It takes time/dedication. Both guys need to be on the same page working to take care of each others needs and some of each others wants (no one is perfect lol). It's not for everyone though and that's where communication comes in (hopefully). It's interesting how many guys will talk about ENM or being in a polyamorous relationship, usually because earlier on (for most), sex is more important. However, as they get older, they tend to gravitate towards monogamy in many cases and/or just want someone (one person) who gets them, understands them and they can spend time with. That's usually because the sex drive has waned, they've experienced life and they missed a lesson earlier on.....that sex, while a good thing, isn't the only thing or even the most important thing. Experiencing intimacy.....having that deep connection to someone, is what's more important. I'll be quiet now lol.....Good discussion topic 😀😀😀 ("Sneaky links".....I'm dying - it's true though)

It comes down to comparability. If you are looking for monogamy the person you’re interested in should want the same thing. If you are into an open relationship/polyamory then your partner should want that too. I hear the argument that monogamous relationships don’t work out, but I have watched just as many open relationships, polygamous relationships end in failure just as frequently for varying reasons. Again comparability and, more importantly communication is important. It’s not about what works for gays. What matters it what works for you and your partner(s) together.

Having children is heteronormative, so is marriage.

I've known many gay men and when they are in relationships, they still are with others. Not saying its not possible, but it has always seemed to me to be like the relationship is the "main" partner, but they have others. Ive never met a monogamous gay male couple. Lesbians however seem to always be monogamous. Maybe it's the whole "men were made to sow their seed" idea. Exceptions to all rules, but thats just been my experience.

I had a monogamous relationship for 8 years before we "opened up the relationship". It ended up bringung the relationship. My current partner of 8 years now wants an open relationship and I dont want to. I think its going to break us up 😢

Sex is by nature about desire. Human desire is never contented with the present. When desire runs our lives loyalty has no place. Loving someone may had started with sexual desire but in time if it evolves into loving that person you may see how monogamy becomes your call with that person.

Social vs sexual monogamy is ridiculous. An excuse. When i was in a monogamous relationship my partner was jealous of me. This was tough but giving affirmation was better than extra relationships

I think that monogamy is realistic when the people involved in the relationship choose monogamy. It’s really as simple as making a choice to be exclusive, and staying committed to your person. In my opinion, if someone’s not ready to be monogamous, then they shouldn’t be. Be single, have your “friends,” live you best promiscuous life, then monogamize when you’re done.

No no no, the breaking up has nothing to do with the failings of monogamy. Some yes, but vast majority no. The divorse rate is not a result of failed monogamy. It's the result of an array of issues primarily feminism. Feminism which tells women they are nothing if they make their kids their sole purpose. Feminism that diminishes the value of men. The old "I don't need man to be happy" nonsense. The selfish desire to want what we want without regard for anyone else. People who use sex as a weapon are going to lose their spouse. Witholding sex until you get your way is a death sentence to a relationship. It's a relationship death spiral for a family break up. The boys are raised without fathers and therefore aren't instilled with how to act like a man ( taking care of your family including your wife and working in a career to provide for them and not treating women like another dude). This all produces confused people who will divorse at the drop of hat. It has nothing to do with monogamy. "If only you allowed me to screw other people then we'd still be married" is laughably untrue.

So handsome. 😘 Good topic. Hey, I bought some of the protein pancake mix. I haven't cooked it yet.

Your voice is soo relaxing.

Every Bf I’ve had has either cheated or escorted themselves out monogamy in the gay world is like 2% and divorce rate in the heterosexual world is like 90% monogamy exists but it’s very rare in today’s society !

I did not agree when you said "Doesn't work for us gays. What's special about being gay is that we are somewhat removed from that heteronormative society". Open relationships/open marriages are not just confined to gay people. They happen in straight relationships too but could be assumed to a lesser extent. Therefore, monogamy, by the same reason doesn't necessarily have to be heteronormative thing. What essentially happened is that we as a community associated monogamy to be a heteronormative thing and we rebelled against that choice of a relationship just like we rebelled almost against every single aspect of what we deemed as a 'straight' way of living (gender binary, traditional nuclear family, gender roles, vanilla sex, virginity, conservative sexual values). Knowing that the large majority of straight people were not on our side and played a large part in oppressing our rights, most in our community viewed everything they stood for as also being inherently oppressive, bad and, therefore, would not work for us. But the fact is, in the right context, these aspects of so called 'heteronormative' ways of living are not necessarily bad or restrictive. In fact, in today's world, we should be not thinking monogamy as 'heteronormative'. Marriage can be considered 'heteronormative' and yet we fought for it. See the hypocrisy there. The truth is we pick and choose as to what we want, what serves our own interests and how we want to live our lives. And the truth is there are a lot of gay men driven by sex and want to have that freedom to have sex with other people other than their partner. There is nothing wrong with that but let's not put every gay man in that box. There aren't divine forces that magically removes us as a community from the so called 'heteronormative' society. It is essentially your own CHOICE that removes you from living that monogamous life - being gay has got nothing to do with it. We are just able to normalise non-monogamy better by playing the gay card as that has been loudly embedded historically within our community but that, my friend, does not make us special.

I think one of my biggest issues with this community is this stigma of looks and Vanity of what society deems attractive.. as a Openly Bisexual man.. whose been in monogamous relationship with men.. but didn’t work out because I put all my chips in the bag with someone who had lifetime expectations, but the actions didn’t match his words.. not to mention we couldn’t grow past the stigma in how people viewed us.. it’s hard to say or believe but it’s not possible🤷🏾‍♂️.

Hola Quincy Jay it’s good to see you post A new RU-vid video up. And I thought I seen you outside my job two days ago on 112th street Broadway an maybe it wasn’t you 🤷🏽‍♂️🙂

Thanks so much for you videos! You are inspiring!

Relationship is all about trust that why I stay single you can do bad all by yourself.

When there is an open relationship the third party is absolutely objectified and treated as someone of less importance. This hierarchy is deeply problematic. Also why put all these restrictions on our feelings? How can you decide in advance that the person outside the relationship is not worthy of your love or feelings just as much as your partner? How can you cancel out the possibility that you will fall for him? As I said, deeply problematic.

We shouldn't automatically assume that everything that is common amongst straight people is bad. Also, straight people live in various types of relationships nowadays. We should be mindful that as gay people we are surrounded by our own sets of norms and expectations. We get a lot of messaging about what it means to be gay and quite typically it includes a lot of partying, emphasis on vanity and having sex with multiple partners all the time. Polyamorous and open relationships are so common in the gay community that it is no wonder gay men are starting to think there is something wrong with them even wanting a monogamous relationship, or thinking that they are setting themselves up for failure. A lot of proponents of open and poly relationships even suggest that the reason why others want monogamous relationships is because they are trying to conform, they have trauma, or that they have been brainwashed by a heteronormative society. That's very toxic to me and goes against respecting people's individuality and freedom of choice. Meanwhile, a lot of open relationships fail too. It's not only about the form of relationship. Cheating and divorces don't stem from monogamy, they stem from things like poor communication. Relationships are hard, but people are trying to portray polyamory or open relationships as magical solutions to difficult issues, pointing out the problems present in some monogamous relationships but happily dismissing the challenges of open and poly relationships. I am monogamous, always have been. I have tried being in open relationships, but without fail, it feels emotionally wrong to me to the point that I prefer being single. When I fall in love with a person, I only want to be with them. For me, a monogamous relationship means that two people can focus on each other more, trying to find solutions to challenges together. I've definitely seen a lot of people trying to seek for things outside their primary relationships because they don't believe it is possible to get it from their partner. This could be having sex with someone else as soon as your sex life becomes predictable or when you would wish for more validation from your partner.

I have always said what works for others then it's fine. As for myself, I want a monogamous relationship. If I am dating or casually have a non committed relationship and we agree thats fine. However if its about love and commitment or marriage then it must be monogamous. For me Its about intamacy not just sex. If I want to run around with different men then Ill just stay single. Im not looking to play house or need someone to sleep with or eat with. If I settle down I need that total commitment.

When you find true love, monogamy follows naturally. It’s that simple.