What is real is calm. So well said, and this short video resonates with me and the recovery community. Dopamine chasing temporary relief, euphoria, that masks underlying chaos and hunger. In 12 step it’s a higher power as a North Star. Heidi’s suggestion is the calm, connected and regulated state is the focal point that comes from cultivating and acknowledging an inner sense of security comes from a lack of preoccupation. Show up as you are and share in the human experience.
I have a secure attachment style and after ending a very long marriage with a narcissist, who is prob anxious avoidant and then another relationship with someone who has an anxious attachment and BPD, I've finally found another emotionally healthy person with a secure attachment and it is not even close to boring. It's brings me so much peace. There's still plenty of chaos in all other aspects of my life and it's so nice to know that I can just relax in this one.
@Catherine Lyn Love this for you! ❤️💕 Glad you’re finally at peace 😃 But I’m just curious - were you always securely attached or did you develop a more secure attachment style over time? Also did the person (with whom you had a relationship after your marriage) tell you that they were anxiously attached and had BPD, or was it just a hunch? I hope you don’t mind me asking those questions but it’s just that I see a lot of my own relationship history in what you described but it’s only really been since leaving those relationships that I’ve been able to come to these conclusions. I suspect that my last boyfriend has BPD (I’ve only ever known friends, other women, with it) and I’m trying to educate myself enough atm so that I don’t get sucked into that kind of thing again. I’ve never been in a relationship yet where the other person knew their attachment style or was open to finding out but it’s definitely gonna be a requirement in my next relationship 😃
@@mairead354 I think I have always had a secure attachment, but I was married for 12 years and that kind of broke me. I planned on being together forever and thought if I loved him enough I could fix him. No you can't fix anyone. He didn't tell me his attachment style, I'm taking a guess on this one. He was diagnosed as antisocial personality disorder (aka sociopath) but I'm pretty sure it was an NPD misdiagnosis bc of the relationship pattern and some other things, but the two have a lot of overlapping characteristics. The next bf was not a really long relationship maybe about a year total, he got diagnosed with BPD after we broke up, it was the catalyst he needed to go to therapy. He didn't tell me his attachment style but it was quite obviously anxious, he was very smothering and needy. I broke up with him as soon as it started getting toxic but then entertained him for a few months after that before I had to completely cut him off. After about a year he contacted me and told me he was in therapy and apologized. The current I had take an attachment style quiz
What is real is calm. So well said, and this short video resonates with me and the recovery community. Dopamine chasing temporary relief, euphoria, that masks underlying chaos and hunger. Thank you for your work Heidi. You pr insights continue to sweep me off my feet.
You. Are. So. Good. At. Explaining. Just had to make punctuations to get my emphasis through 😂 Other people seem to reiterate the same phrases, which I rarely learn from. You attack the subject from different angles - it’s soooo helpful!
I'm a fearful avoidant. I had no idea until the first time a girl I was interested in reflected that feeling back at me. For the entire following week I couldn't sleep. I lay in a fetal position just shaking with the craziest high on my floor. All the while I had one thought, one feeling, I was worthy of being loved. Of course I completely botched it from there, and it's been a long and difficult process of self love and healing since. But it's a journey that has definitely been worth while.
“of course I completely botched it from there…” 🤣💯 hilarez. Hope you find healing …! and what you felt was so real and authentic… hard to even cope with, I get it.
Thank you so much for this wonderful message. My attachment style was anxious-preoccupied. I have done a LOT of healing work and am now much more securely attached. A firm, stable foundation of self-love and self-compassion rooted in God brings deep peace. And peace is not boring. It is joy. No more chasing the euphoric highs to medicate from the devastating lows.
I can well perceive now that I am ( finally) secure how I can seem boring haha. There are no massive emotional highs and lows anymore. My life is mostly stable, lots of things still happen in it but never to the extent of a carpet being pulled out right under my feet. My emotions don't take a 180 anymore ans I'm more chilled and composed. Also still as mich upbeat spontaneous and excited about life In romantic relationship I come accross people who I can sense find it boring with me sometimes. Thry want passion I like passion too but we seem to differ on the definition, I'm all up for last minute road trips, bungee jumping and what have you but enotional rollercoaster and arguing senseless over nothing really important no thank you. From my point of view now and not being negatively judging cos I was there once and have plenty compassion for it, it's the mind of an addict and it's not appealing one bit to me anymore.
Heidi you are such a good teacher. Thank you so much for makingnthese videos. You've helped me through so much. I love you and I'm grateful for you. 🙏🏼♥️♥️♥️
Thank you for this, this was so beautiful from someone who did the work from avoidant to anxious to finally secure. And now sharing these words with someone I hope will be open enough to hear them and brave enough to do the work.
You have the power of calmness and depth and that is beautiful. Your words resonate so much with me, I send you true love and grace for your amazing job🌺
Good morning. Im 43F & I'm so sick of my heart chasing a fantasy. I have been working on this for so long but I finally feel like it's clicking. And that is in part bc of people like you. Those who are willing to share their wisdom with the rest of us. Thank you so much for your beautiful video, your intelligent words, and willingness to share them 💕
Ugh I really loved ur metaphor with the headache and attachment style. I actually experienced that with my depression and emotional regulation. My not so bad low was kind of my best feeling… and it was my norm and never thought it would get better! Got on ssni that worked well with my brain chemistry as well as adhd meds and now I’m trying to figure out this new normal and it’s almost so foreign and “wrong” to feel this way? Another form of trauma in an interesting way! Loved the vid!!
I’m in my first secure attached relationship. I get bored because I’m not constantly being triggered! I’m sooo grateful to be in a consistent loving relationship. ❤
Heidi, I’d like to make a suggestion on a video topic: handling jealousy as an anxiously attached style. This is something I struggle with a lot and that I’ve found keeps me from getting beyond the dating stage. I developed a coping mechanism of repressing it all, not showing I’m jealous, but it doesn’t really help the situation either as it ends up creating resentment. I love your content and am sure it would be really helpful to hear your take on this.
I was typing this concern into a comment on another video last night, and then I noticed you addressed it in this video. Either you're an expert mind reader, or - and I know this has a lot of humbling truth in it - my mind's attachment issues are super-basic and a textbook case, and I wasn't aware of how straightforward the path to fixing them is.
“Chronic sense of okaynees” I love it. 😊 It’s like having eggs everyday for breakfast. No pancakes or bakery’s. Boring but way healthier and stale on the long term. 😉
I was waiting anxiously for you to mention the Dismissive Avoidant perspective in your metaphor too *hehe* but so glad it's coming from someone who can understand it as a FA. ♥️ amazing
But when you are addicted to drama, that’s what you want more and more of. So a relationship with a securely attached person isn’t even on the radar. And if somehow an insecure finds themself in a relationship with a securely attached person, (usually because they believe they’ve done the work and have convinced themselves they are now secure) they’ll sabotage it.
This was so wonderful to watch! It's a question I've been secretly carrying with me too, hoping no one would find it! Yet, a lot of relief that you're talking about it so openly. I'm not sure where I'd land on the avoidant vs earned secure spectrum right now, although I imagine I've moved towards earned secure significantly over the last few months. In particular, when you say self-hatred, it resonates as shame and a contraction in my lower and upper stomache for me that's been there for as long as I can remember. I usually associate it not with "I'm not enough" but with "I'm too much/what I said, did was too much" which I guess makes sense for the dismissive attachment style? These last weeks I've been focusing heavily on being my own securely attached partner by telling myself how I'm doing several times during the day via journaling and it's had this very powerful effect of the chronic shame slowly but surely being there much less. It's been both surprising and disorienting to notice that and yet at the same time more peaceful and content. In that sense, I would totally agree with your conclusion of seeing more colors, I also want to add that the "new" no matter how "good" it feels as a direct somatic experience may still be scary and disorienting, at least I like to remind myself of that since that allows me to take the leaps a little more easily. So enjoying this video and the last one Heidi! I love your freeflowing style and sharing from your own experience so much in particular.
This is one of the **most** ENFP titles ever 😂🙈😂 (that was my very first thought upon seeing it!) But for real, I was literally just talking to a guy friend of mine last night about what might be going on with the girls he’s been meeting through Tinder. He’s feeling quite frustrated with the girls he’s been meeting on these dates because some of them have accused him of not being exciting enough, of being too safe, boring etc. and they keep trying to get a negative emotional reaction out of him…only it’s not working…because he’s done so much healing and work on himself. These women are in their late 20s/early 30s but on the first date they’re making it clear that they’re looking for a “bad boy” type 🤷🏼♀️ I explained to him that often people, especially women, unconsciously mistake anxiety/old wounds/trauma being activated by the other person with love or sexual chemistry. And anything less than that feels “boring” because it’s foreign. I know that that was me for a lot of my twenties (fellow recovering FA here!). I mean I also used to have a really hard time distinguishing my general anxiety symptoms from my actual personality traits! 😬 My friend is pretty trauma aware but doesn’t understand what I’m talking about when I bring up attachment styles, so the main bit of advice that I gave him was that he needs to start looking for a girlfriend in better and more aligned places than Tinder 😅
I too despise Tinder. It just feels too much like a shopping mall, or an interview for a job. And you need to simultaneously be interesting, captivating and try not to compromise too much with how you normally act, so as not to let anyone down when you meet in person. It's exhausting, but I really don't know where else one can go to actively seek out a relationship.
The ghosting out of fear is everywhere. They r u up ur ass then gone a second later. Definitely dated a FA for a while and other avoidants. Too many choixes = too much opportunity cost for a lot of them. No depth really.
I'm a fearful avoidant trying to heal and I notice so many parallels with an addictive mindset. It's double hard when you are a fearful avoidant addict
Only boring people get bored. A life filled with interesting things to learn and grow with is never boring. Simply have realistic expectations, daily gratitude and a grounded self awareness. Being boring has nothing to do with secure attachment.
I have anxious attachment and I do feel like I am good enough and worthy of love and I do feel like I love myself I don’t understand how I believe I feel and think good thoughts about myself but still become disregulated in relationships
Same here but a lot of the time it’s bc it’s them and their behavior making you feel this way and not you. They are what changed so probably a sign they need to go
Hey Heidi, I've recently identified as anxious-preoccupied and it has really illuminated a lot for me. I've had a number of bouts with depression over the course of my life and I think they all stem from, or started with, failed relationships. I really identify with the content I've found on this channel about anxious attachment and have been getting better at separating my thoughts and feelings, noticing when I'm overwhelmed, and taking a step back when I'm really feeling like I need the person I'm interested in right now. I'm wondering where you start healing. I think I'm on the right track, sort of, but I guess I want validation or advice on my approach 😅. Right now I'm taking some time out of each day to track thoughts and feelings, I started the The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook in hopes of better regulating, and I've been thinking about the idea of dating myself. Is that the kind of work your talking about? What would you recommend?
So as I do more attachment healing, I have a question. So my parents were super secure until my dad had an affair when I was in middle school, and I believe I would’ve had a secure attachment if that hadn’t of happened and my parents were too preoccupied with their emotions and unable to keep from lashing out at us kids physically and emotionally. So since it seems like there’s a big emphasis on attachment issues being formed when you are a baby, are my issues still attachment issues or are they another mental illness? Cause I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety but I highly resonate with anxious or possibly anxious preoccupied attatchment
You used an example of a lifelong headache/physical pain then reckoned it to emotional pain. What if its truly physical pain? I have chronic knee pain and back pain. 24/7 for the past 10 years. Unlike mental blocks, i cant just sort out in my mind and be physically pain free so im always looking for an escape out of my body because it physically hurts. Im literally the tylenol girl. Wat do you suggest?
WOW this is beautiful & powerful! I think your words can apply to the commitment to healing IN GENERAL. ✨ It's how I felt overcoming depression! 🥲 Promise you, working to be a better healthier person is not some bland uncool thing with no rewards.
