5 Things Secure People Just Don't Do

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There are certain things people who are more secure just don’t do.
It’s not necessarily because they don’t want to do these things at times, but because they know that even if doing these things might feel good in the moment, the longer term impact will be unhealthy, detrimental and even have harmful effects on their self-esteem and their sense of self-worth, so they do their best to make a habit of not doing them.
In today’s episode of Good For Me TV, we're going to talk about the 5 things that people who are more secure don’t do (or at least try not to).
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Опубликовано:

4 сен 2018

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Комментарии : 1,3 тыс.

@juliakristinamah 5 лет назад

Which one gave you an a-ha or a big shift?

@Eiko2204 5 лет назад

Biggest a-ha I had is that I didn't think I was that secure, but most of these points I'm quite far in on doing. I still need to work on the control bit, and perfection part. :) Thanks for the great video - I'm a new subscriber now and following on instagram :).

@jlnioannou 5 лет назад

Ouch... I am very insecure...most of the things you said I tend to do. Especially the control thing. But I'm working on it and gradually I see some improvement!!

@winterblue8887 5 лет назад

All of them because you need all to be strong

@Barbara_Banks_1 5 лет назад

IMO there’s a difference between “judging” and “discerning” what’s true... Then take proper actions to protect yourself from people who are toxic, or just do not resonate with you. For example, my husband was friends with someone who came to our home a few times. I thought he was a real nice guy too. My dog, who was very friendly(much to my surprise) growled and snapped at this guy. I spoke to my husband later, about this. He said, “Well, animals do sense things about people. The thing you don’t know about Dave, is he’s a thief. He’ll steal anything that isn’t nailed down. She (our dog) probably picked up on that.”. So, I told my husband, don’t have him over anymore, since he can’t be trusted. My dog, caught that major character flaw of Dave, and in turn alerted me... That could have saved us from being robbed... So, that’s one example of be careful of the company you keep, and use discernment (good judgement) to protect yourself from people that are a bit shady. But as for the rest of what you said, I’m not one who readily “toots my own horn”. However, if I’ve had some sort of experience that I think maybe helpful to another in some way, that’s when I share my thoughts. I hope you have a great day. Thank you for the video☺️✌️

@jaankuusk7838 5 лет назад

Roses are beautiful... even they have thorns...

@screwthis9917 5 лет назад

SUMMARY : Secure people mindset 1 they don't feel the need to control everything 2 they don't talk about themselves all the time 3 they don't point out others flaws 4 they don't over apologize 5 they don't try to be perfect

@mellima4226 5 лет назад

SCREWTHIS thank you 👍🏻🙂

@ThisIsMissCheeky 5 лет назад

SCREWTHIS thank you so much! I hoped there was a list when I pressed this video because I don't have time to watch it.

@screwthis9917 5 лет назад

@@MrUniman609 that's how they are programmed but she is giving important information and you welcome bro

@SuperTheGD 5 лет назад

Thank you

@christinsongbird 5 лет назад

@@MrUniman609 lol

@thebestwillow 5 лет назад

I think fully secure people encourage others, even at things they themselves can't do, because it doesn't make them insecure that someone can do something they can't do.

@juliakristinamah 5 лет назад

I LOVE this and couldn't agree more!

@moseph8494 5 лет назад

Absolutely! Agree.

@edpoor1 5 лет назад

Absolutely

@suzimonkey345 5 лет назад

As a child I was going for ice cream with my grandmother. I saw a really pretty lady wearing a lovely summer dress. I said to my Nan “isn’t that lady beautiful?”. She snapped “She’s probably a horrible, vain person! Beauty isn’t everything. When you’re grown-up you won’t be so silly!”. She didn’t buy me ice cream because I had been quiet, “sulking and ungrateful of my grandmother!” according to her. I realised that my Nan was a desperately insecure woman long before I was a grown-up!

@evelynvelasquez7999 5 лет назад

thebestwillow agree

@ultravioletpisces3666 5 лет назад

Putting other people down is definitely a sign of insecurity. Actually good to know when you encounter someone who is very cruel and critical.

@carlanorris226 5 лет назад

I’ve known only a few truly secure people, and they really do not go around announcing to others that they’re brilliant, accomplished, superior, etc. They appreciate accolades when they come, but if they don’t, that’s okay, too; they just keep doing what they do, knowing that it’s good.

@KidCity1985 5 лет назад

I'm secure, more every year, its lots of fun.

@janetdaily5774 5 лет назад

But a person who has been negated and abused has every right to assert themselves, even to say out loud that they are brilliant and talented if they truly are. It's part of the healing process. Doesn't make them a narcissist.

@wildflowersmile3224 5 лет назад

My boss is a master martial artist and he is the most peaceful and humble person I know.

@Kari_Michele 4 дня назад

Amen 😊🙏🏾

@carlanorris226 4 дня назад

@@janetdaily5774 , sure. It's natural to want validation and recognition, especially if it's been denied to you. I'm referring to people who *constantly* declare to the world that they are not only brilliant, accomplished, talented, and wonderful, but that they are *more brilliant, accomplished, talented, and wonderful than ANYONE ELSE LIVING, DEAD, OR YET TO BE BORN!* You get the feeling that they're trying to convince themselves.

@mateamargo5261 5 лет назад

" i'm not great, i'm grateful" i like that

@juliakristinamah 5 лет назад

So glad it connected ;-)

@Lotusblume.8 5 лет назад

I’m not sure about that one. People throw that one around a lot and I don’t feel they really are grateful. Or it is a way to appear humble even when they aren’t. Those have just been my personal findings. But I was really surprised. I have been looking at this video in my feed for a couple of days now and didn’t want to watch it to see how insecure I was and I found out, according to your standards, that I am basically a secure person. I adjust myself to people who are insecure though. It was very informative and I realized that I have done a lot of work on myself and have really grown so I am relieved! That doesn’t mean I won’t continue to be a better person every day. But this clearly showed me how far I have come and how much we can change if we truly want to.

@michelleturner9273 5 лет назад

Can I use that statement, nicely said.

@robertonegron776 5 лет назад

Me too

@jamesroberts6248 5 лет назад

@@Lotusblume.8 Agreed. I have witnessed many phonies use that and similar terms. "Judge folks by what they do, not what they say" is relevant here.

@StatikFeedBacK 5 лет назад

I used to be more laid back and not assertive enough, then I became the bulldozer and that was also unpleasant and problematic. I’m still working on calibrating a healthy balance in my interactions.

@lebe6863 3 года назад

Me too now I don't do anything

@chloebhanks 2 года назад

That was/is me in my work life and it’s hard!

@thecurrentmoment 3 месяца назад

I think being assertive without being aggressive means asking for what you want, and accepting the answer. Don't ask, not assertive Don't accept, not assertive Ask and accept, seems to be the right balance, something like that

@ranchoboomerang 5 лет назад

My thing was " fixing " people, I realized I was the one needing my advice and help. I stopped mostly, but still catch myself. Be kind to self and others.

@melissaburrows3211 5 лет назад

Yes!!! Total agreement that when you become more secure you stop noticing other people’s flaws. You also stop noticing your own flaws. You don’t have to be perfect, and no one else does either.

@LukeDavisAuthor 5 лет назад

5 things secure people do. 1. They do. They know they have the agency to change the world around them and if they want to change it they just go ahead and change it. 2. They can tell secure people from insecure. Their friends will tend to be secure people and they don't blindly hand out trust to insecure people. 3. They set hard but realistic goals. Their goals will be hard enough to be challenging but are also able to be achieved. 4. They know how to say no. 5. When they give it comes from a place of abundance, not from a hole of need. When they give they don't want or need some form of reciprocation in the future.

@cleaningtips9633 5 лет назад

I so absolutely agree!-TY for sharing what I do feel and live.

@heidieho2980 5 лет назад

This is great!

@LindseyGarcia0918 4 года назад

BOOM! Very well said. Especially coming from a place of abundance. I have seen way too many people give "love" because they are broken and insecure and are trying to get love. Then when they don't get what they want they become angry and abusive. No bueno. I love this quote: "Until you heal you will be toxic to everyone you meet."

@Jane-mb8jj 3 года назад

Hey, cool profile pic!

@retard_activated 2 года назад

Thank you

@ebaystorehustlecachet7170 5 лет назад

Beware of using "I'm not perfect" as an excuse for doing things you do that hurts others.

@lindatorres9311 5 лет назад

Control yourself, you'll control the world. Secure? It's also called fearless.

@ryangray6916 5 лет назад

Julia, you have a lot of followers and I realize you may not be able to read or respond to this, but I just want to put it out to the universe that what you're doing is helping me tremendously, and I know it's helping thousands of other people too. I'm 38 and recently finally got treated for all my mental and physical illnesses (Bipolar, Chronic Pain, and many other "life issues"). I'm getting a fresh new start on my life after a life of depression, suicidal thoughts, and anxiety. I have always been insecure, put everyone else's needs before me, addictive, basically my "EQ" was in negative numbers. Your videos are giving me a good foundation for healthy behavior... I feel like you're talking directly to me lol. Thank you so much. I'm forever Grateful 🙏

@mildredhightower4065 Год назад

Yessss

@yvette3049 5 лет назад

Nice! For me, having personal boundaries, being flexible and non-judgmental encourages inner peace.

@juliakristinamah 5 лет назад

I couldn't agree more Yvette.

@portiamcclusky5637 5 лет назад

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@velmaramirez3673 3 года назад

Acceptance of others is so important I've experience someone in my circle that has told me if I don't change she will not have a thing to do with me. I told her you change people. U learn to accept who I am. Im not perfect but neither r u. Im 60 yrs old I have no addiction problems. I'm a stay at home wife. She needs to accept and respect.

@prod.og 2 года назад

I am so ready to feel more secure with and within myself , from the inside out!

@vocalion 5 лет назад

OMG this is exactly me! This is my entire philosophy. In my last job, my boss’s complaint was that I never bragged about my accomplishments. Just not me. I enjoy time alone. I think that is a great trait in a secure person. This is perfect 👌🏻 thanks so much Julia! Great video!

@KoolT Год назад

Some people are more afraid or insecure to others. ❤. Because they KNOW they do good work.

@laughingachilles 5 лет назад

4 - "They don't over apologize" You need to take cultural factors into account with this one. I'm English and we are taught to apologize all the time out of basic manners. Many of us will apologize to someone if they bump into us. When I came to the States I had friends commenting upon how I always seemed to apologize unecessarily, but no one in England ever mentioned it because it's so normal lol.

@chloebhanks 2 года назад

If you’re not feeling anything when you say it - like similar to “you all right?” just being a greeting instead of a question… I guess it doesn’t matter. But if you are always apologizing for things in your personal and work life because you feel you need to get ahead of it overly showing humility- I think that’s the difference.

@laughingachilles 2 года назад

@@chloebhanks I think it's just habit in English culture and analysing it will lead to unnecessary and inaccurate conclusions.

@SaritaGardner 5 лет назад

Holy cow, I am not perfect, and that is just perfect! 👍🏼

@juliakristinamah 5 лет назад

Yasssss!!

@eliasmccollum5581 5 лет назад

I'm not perfect, and that's just perfect. I struggled with feeling like I was a failure and couldn't do anything right until I realized that everyone else makes just as many mistakes as I do. I am going to a job interview today and your video was the perfect pep talk that I needed because I was starting to get that feeling of low self-esteem again. Thank you, Julia!

@juliakristinamah 5 лет назад

So glad it connected Elias - how did it go??

@eliasmccollum5581 5 лет назад

@@juliakristinamah It went very well! I got the job!

@katgidds14 5 лет назад

I swing between over apologising and not seeing my fault in anything. Also can't make decisions for a group and have always struggled with teamwork - this is why! Thank you for this, given me a lot to think about ❤

@juliakristinamah 5 лет назад

Thanks for your comment Kathy - glad there were some nuggets in here that connected.

@donnag4150 5 лет назад

Wow I know someone like this

@StarryRoses 5 лет назад

I always thought I was a secure person but I identify with some of your points, so I have some work to do. When I was a teenager somebody once said that I was an attention-seeker. Being an introvert, I withdrew more into myself. I do like attention for things that have taken time or talent to do, but I don't actively seek it, and that made me very insecure about any attention I received. I became closed off and not wanting to share my talents with people, not even when they wanted me to. I'm still working on the anxiety that that created, and am learning to accept that it's not a bad thing to share my talents with the world. The same thing happened when somebody said that I was controlling, but for that it's absolutely an issue of trust. I wasn't raised around honest people, and had placed my trust in the wrong partner as an adult, so I tend to feel that everybody has a hidden agenda and an ulterior motive, and nobody has my best interests at heart. I am slowly learning how to identify the genuinely good people in my life, and through them how to have trust.

@casiphiawohlfeld7029 5 лет назад

StarryRoses It’s amazing how people‘s words impact us. But you know, and God knows your heart, motives, and intentions.

@sannat-l8610 3 года назад

The control bit. I never realised that was an insecurity issue.. I’m so happy to have found your channel. EVERY single video is superb! I feel like you are speaking directly to me. I’ve had life long problems with feeling needy, nervous, insecure, the victim, hating myself and others, being overly jealous etc etc. Thank you for being so brillliant, so professional and for helping out! XX

@sandyshorewalker5364 5 лет назад

Holy Cow, I am not perfect, I know, but that's okay. My perfectionism can lead to procrastinate. Yes, it can snowball you. It can stop you from enjoying your life. Its point five for me, that's the toughest to change.

@fmartinez6733 5 лет назад

80% or 40% at the right time is better than 99% late... ...with all due respect. Used to keep working for the 100%... ... Still working on it... ...but now shoot ON TIME even if not perfect. Much happier now...

@jaquelinepedersen3376 5 лет назад

Thanks that was very good! My experience is that in growing close to Jesus, through prayer, and bible study, I have gotten to grow in these five areas. They all have alot to do with humility. Humility is about honesty, being able to see yourself as you are, as God sees you, and yet seeing His love for you, and His guiding hand. Being able to recieve His forgiveness, and in following Him letting the past be the past, and moving forward as a new creation. You get to see the miraculous in your own life, and you know that it is from God, we can't take credit for it, but we get to recieve it all the same!

@KerryShearer 5 лет назад

Such an awesome video! (I can tell how super passionate you are about this topic!). I loved the truth that "secure people accept the fact that they are imperfect." Trying to be perfect is...exhausting! And it makes it so much easier to accept others' imperfections when we're not being so hard on ourselves.

@juliakristinamah 5 лет назад

I couldn't agree more Kerry.

@raktimasahu5436 5 лет назад

Kerry Shearer Io

@oceansailing7726 5 лет назад

I am perfectly imperfect; Thank you again for all you do on this channel. Keep it up, simply outstanding.

@juliakristinamah 5 лет назад

YES you are. So glad it connected, and thanks for your super kind words.

@karinmizell7340 5 лет назад

Very insightful! Not sure how anyone couldn't like this. Very helpful! Thank u!

@Ilovevintage77 5 лет назад

You’re helping me hugely. I’ve neem struggling horribly. Dealing with a lot of toxic people and working to be ok with being the perfectly imperfect person I am. Losing faith in humanity. Especially since I turned 40. I’m hurting so badly inside. I’m trying to work on me. Trying to understand why people act how they do. Why I feel how I do and how to handle people. Thank you.

@MiaChase555 2 года назад

Thank you, Julia Kristina. I'm so grateful to find your channel. Living in the victim mentality for so long that after so many years of beating myself up for everything that was so horrific in my life, the guidance to work through the madness and to heal took so much time. Finding you for putting myself back together again is so important. Now setting boundaries and being the person I was in the past. That secure person I've missed so much. "I'm not perfect and that's just perfect."

@bethstaiano387 5 лет назад

When I was a younger woman, I allowed my family to make decisions for me. Once I met my husband, of 35 years, my family started treating me like the black sheep of the family. My sister, Janine, recently said, "You used to be so sweet. What happened to sweet Beth?" My family is about appearances and don't like the fact that my husband, Philip, has no trouble speaking his mind. Once I started speaking my mind, my family disowned me and turned my 3 older kids against me in the process.

@feelingfeni4798 5 лет назад

I have been watching lots of inspiring people like yourself lately. : ) I feel that credit is owed where credit is due, so I want to thank you for helping me get through a tough situation with a rough person. It was my boss and he was devaluing me and giving me rough tones and behaviors. I realized this man was making me feel sick. I had just watched one of your videos the day before talking about telling people how you feel. So, I said to him, "I don't like your tone". he said, "sometimes I'm going to have this tone". Then I said, "I'm not going to like it". Then we both repeated ourselves like 5 times. THEN, he kinda smerked and left me alone. He was nice for about 2 months. Then this last week he ignored me all week and told everyone that it was me not calling him.. Anyways, THANK YOU FOR GETTING THROUGH TO ME.. LOL Take care!

@mellima4226 5 лет назад

Feeling FeNi Well done ! Thank you for sharing

@juliakristinamah 5 лет назад

Way to use your "I statements" and speaking up for yourself without being rude or inappropriate - that is awesome.

@feelingfeni4798 5 лет назад

Beloved Royalty Thank you for your support.. : )

@rossellaleonardi2908 5 лет назад

@@feelingfeni4798 I hate these persons, because my dad is like that. And they make YOU feel bad for everything or try do dominate you, since they cover an "important" role. As Julia pointed out, they are INSICURE people and lack of empathy, trying to push other down or brag themselves. I understand that your boss has some personality traits that help him also to do his kind of job and I was mobbed by colleagues too, but you're never gonna change him! It's important that you speaked up and try to make things easy with a simple "hi" or smile or calm down the situation (because this is only how you can deal with him), but don't fall into his trap, that is blaming you and control your emotions! I've just realised that I've been hurting myself and developing a mental issue for 30 years and, now, I am trying to be MYSELF, which comes pretty naturally in many cases (for secure people who had the POSSIBILITY to feed their self-esteem, not supply to others'swing moods or fears or flaws or anger more than the ABILITY to-everyone can do with time, patience, energy and growing awareness) .

@cameronunitedmethodistchur4536 4 года назад

I think that I used to over control, but that now I try to hang back and listen for a time I can be helpful and provide a “catalystic” energy to keep the group moving forward.

@tedbates1236 4 года назад

Very good lesson. While I am not controlling and do not put people down I I am insecure. I do not like to judge people, I do judge myself and it is hard for me to be me. Lord have mercy on me. I do not play up to par and I need to be loved despite myself.

@felicityclark7070 6 месяцев назад

Having a harsh critic of yourself is hard. Realising it is the first step. Get help to work on it. I found that I had it due to a critical parent. I also appreciate having a Christian faith and knowing I can be forgiven for any failure as Jesus took the hit for anything on the cross.

@2011hib 5 лет назад

As you begin speaking I noticed that my husband is secure and I am insecure. What puzzles me is that he was raised in broken homes by a severely abusive foster mother. I on the other hand was raised in a loving home. A lot of relatives supporting and surrounding us. He didn’t know any relatives. At that point I came to realize that because he needed to be strong for himself and overcome the lack of good parenting. He has never been in prison or jail and has 30 years of Sobriety. On the other hand I have always been protected and sheltered by my family. I have less believe in my own strength. He has belief in his ability to survive with or without anyone else’s help. I don’t know how that can be because I always thought that I was what should be secure because I had soMany good things. Who knew?

@honor2798 5 лет назад

Amazing video, Julia, thank you so much

@juliakristinamah 5 лет назад

Absolutely! So glad it connected, and thank you for your kind words.

@harry356 5 лет назад

Pointing out other people's flaws: i do that continously, I don't say it out loud, and it is indeed rooted in lack of self confidence, caused by severe childhood trauma.

@kennethmcphee9555 4 года назад

With the first point I think I let people push me around and don't give input where I should. These really be hitting deep.

@empress_highpriestess3307 5 лет назад

Show up..share..and shine..-breaking that apart- much wisedom

@juliakristinamah 5 лет назад

Glad that little bit of alteration worked for ya!

@forest1butterfly 4 года назад

I'm going to work on this! Love it!❤👍

@amandabrisbane8716 5 лет назад

I am a mixture of both. Depends who I am dealing with. But mostly am secure.

@DebbieL72 5 лет назад

Re posted "I'm not perfect. You're not perfect. And that's just perfect." to my Instagram. TYSM for sharing all this!

@cgc1581 4 года назад

Hi there 😊 this is my first day of marital separation. I found your videos yesterday and they were so helpful in validating my creating and sticking with boundaries a little over a week ago. As you explained in your boundaries video, the first one I saw, it explained why he has turned into the Tasmanian devil once I held true to my boundaries. Thank you for your encouragement and validation. I have a degree in human services but still find myself needing tools which you give in your videos. I’m grateful for that. Keep up the great work!

@thespuditron9387 5 лет назад

This is my new favourite channel, by an actual mile. Julia is so helpful to this Irish internet person. 🙏🏻

@juliakristinamah 5 лет назад

Lol, thanks friend. Really kind of you to say.

@swish6754 5 лет назад

Geez, I have a boss who talks about himself all the time......It's exhausting.

@juliakristinamah 5 лет назад

Isn't it? Oh man. Rooting for you!

@dyannnecat 5 лет назад

We also have a president that does the same. It's really exhausting.

@sxyteesa0890 5 лет назад

Got a co worker who always talks about everything she does significant revolving money

@annam8243 5 лет назад

Diane Noland maybe you should’ve ran for president and show everyone how it’s done.

@methib3306 5 лет назад

Patricia N yeah your boss is a narcissist. Coz I’m with a narcissist from 37years my husband.

@breakthecycle16 Год назад

I switch back and forth from surrending control completely and being overly controlling. It's really tough to find that balance.

@RosannaMiller 4 года назад

They are happy for others when they get blessed. They aren't envious or miserable when they learn someone they knew wins because they don't think they deserve it because they themselves think that THEY deserve it.

@lindslou9654 3 года назад

Amen sis! We are all imperfect. One of the beautiful things in life is our imperfections. If we were perfect, we wouldn't need each other. One person's greatest strength is another person's weakness & vice versa. 💗💗

@ashay76 5 лет назад

Omgosh! I love this little video. One of my pet peeves is when I meet a guy and he starts criticizing and pointing out my flaws or his friends flaws. I love all of my imperfections. It’s what makes a person beautiful in my eyes.

@juliakristinamah 5 лет назад

I love this and couldn't agree more!

@AnaA-ku2yt 2 года назад

I wanted to know EVERYTHING about what was happening for my puppy's vet care when in the hospital and it has NOTHING to do with control, it has everything to do with KNOWING that the medical profession is riddled with mistake prone humans just as ANY environment is and they DO need guidance/reminders at times. I caught a few ERRORS prior to being done by being this way. I'm confident, and therefore I had the COURAGE to speak up. Thank god for my pup's sake that I did.

@duncatc 5 лет назад

Great video, Julia! Very articulate and passionate with a smooth flow of ideas. Made me realize just how many insecure people there are out there when you consider the number of times one reads a brusque (sometimes nasty) "correction" written online in response to someone else's opinion/earlier response or comment. Thank you for your work. And for me, after 60 years of trying to find my way, it all comes down to compassion.... for oneself and for others.

@ladyt5713 5 лет назад

Love this! I've been listening to your videos for a few months wanting to change some things in my life. I love your upbeat, positive approach. I found out recently the man I'm married to has narcissistic personality disorder lt has DEFINITELY affected my sense of security and he complains that he thinks I'm ocd. I don't think l have the disorder but l definitely am fighting for control especially in keeping the house very clean and in parenting(having clear rules and structure) l can see that this can be limiting&a problem. It makes a lot more sense after watching this video! The reason l felt like l needed that control is because l have lost trust in my home, that my boundaries will be respected, and also somewhat in myself, l also am exhausted enough that the thought of doing any extra work has been overwhelming and so l try to prevent catastrophies. I'm definitely getting better. I know now it's not a healthy situation so as l figure things out l set my boundaries knowing he probably won't respect them most of the time-stepping back and observing while l take care of myself. I've also noticed l apologize to people ALOT more and have felt like it's unhealthy. Thanks again for your videos-l love your channel!

@juliakristinamah 5 лет назад

Thanks for sharing Lady T - I'm really grateful that you got some helpful insights from the video. Sorry to hear your relationship is a tough one- I can imagine how frustrating that can be. All the very best to you!

@ThatsWhenItkickedin 5 лет назад

I was around 24 years old when a lady asked me "Do you trust yourself Linda?" I have wondered about the answer all my life. I've worried my way through life, graduated top in university, got a high paying job and proceeded to get addicted to as many substances as I could. So I guess, now that I'm in my 7th decade, is that no, I never trusted myself. I had to worry hard about something to just "make it happen." If i didn't suffer, then I'd fu*k it all up

@rossellaleonardi2908 5 лет назад

I totally agree.

@riz5216 5 лет назад

Yes, sounds like me. In other words, we had to learn the hard way. If suffering wasn't a thing, then it wasn't important enough to want to change.

@IT-zx5jc 5 лет назад

Its easy to get addicted to the adrenalin of suffering and then thinking when things are calm, you are useless or stuff is not "moving," and you without realizing start creating drama. I recognize this in my life, grew up in an insecure environment where there was violence. When i got out i actually got depressed instead of happy, all of a sudden "no purpose for me". I knew it was wrong, but I guess years of slavery csught up with me. I got no help but was put on anti depressives, cause thats how our society works. Take a pill. Take care of yourself Linda, perhaps u need to heal your inner child

@kikismama 5 лет назад

Linda Kloss - you and me both! You are not alone, I have been “wired” a certain way I suppose, maybe we all have to a certain extent. I am now 51 & just trying not to make the same mistakes; repeat old patterns and just love my imperfect self unconditionally!

@kikismama 5 лет назад

I T - did we have the same life or what??! I can relate to everything you just said & everything you went through I did too. Wow.

@brystahh3287 5 лет назад

I am secure in my relationship but I am insecure in myself. This is how I think I have carried myself.

@flip1980ful 5 лет назад

OMG! You just reached out to me and I heard so much in this; Im in tears. I’ve been trying to justify my existence indiscriminately for I don’t know how long, and you just gave me some really useful tools! Im grateful. Thank you

@vickihughes926 5 лет назад

This is well summarized and an excellent source for self awareness. I sent this to my two children who are in their twenties. I wish I had read this years ago!

@Odesztiny 9 месяцев назад

I hope they watched it! 23 here and grateful to have content like this to become the best version of me ❤

@yt7377 5 лет назад

Thank you! That was encouragement I needed right now!

@juliakristinamah 5 лет назад

Awesome Victoria! You've got this.

@jamlaw 5 лет назад

Lol that first part about needing to know everything to control it is spot on!! Wow, that's me.

@orangesodabliss 4 года назад

a secure person is somebody who asserts themselves because they know it’s okay and valid to be a presence/force in this world. Rather than a timid person, who hides themselves out of fear. Asserting myself gives me power in my self.

@christinajensen9041 4 года назад

you are amazing I'm so glad I found your channel. I always felt I was pretty secure BUT I pretty much do all 5 things.. stuff I'm going to definitely things I'm going to work on.

@kopterzero3249 5 лет назад

That was just awesome, never realized how much (1) desire for control and (2) need to judge people, was a sign of insecurity, and holding me back. It's mind-blowing that something this important and (only in hindsight, sigh) this obvious, is so widely unknown!

@juliakristinamah 5 лет назад

We don't get taught these things it school - which is really too bad! Glad it connected with you.

@victoriastachelrodt3502 4 года назад

I’m someone that totally gives up control out of fear of failure and upsetting others.

@eliaslugo9290 5 лет назад

this is the first time I hear of you and I am blown away I need to hear this over and over it's just like a 1 - 2 punch and so forth I am waking up to this WOW

@bridgetarndt1302 5 лет назад

Love this so much!

@davidtinajero7101 5 лет назад

As always thank you Julia!!!

@juliakristinamah 5 лет назад

You are so welcome!

@glorilawrence4568 2 года назад

I am ready to be secure and confident ! When I pray for my daughter I pray that god helps her to become a confident young woman ... I feel like so many of life’s greatest attributes are connected to being confident and loving who you are unconditionally 💯

@FixingOurFamilyCourts 4 месяца назад

Julia, thank you for your content. As a boomer, I've been on a lifelong journey to ditch the judgment and other 'bad habits' people in my generation were raised with. I had a narc mother and was raised in a doomsday cult, so my work included going from anxious to avoidant to now secure. I wanted to add to your list by saying that secure people don't need to have a significant other to feel good about themselves and don't need to go along with the crowd. To anyone out there struggling with this stuff, do NOT give up on yourself, because this process is cumulative. It's exciting to reach little victories because they all add up in the end. It's not until we reach that secure attachment level that we know we are only attracting other 'secures' and don't need to obsessively worry that the next relationship is going to go south on us. Sadly, when we're in anxious or avoidant attachment, we attract others who aren't secure.

@craigmerkey8518 5 лет назад

beautiful... even as a young child I knew I had to get away from my family, while it is tough at time it as the best decision I ever made! If I try to explain it, people think I am exaggerating.. but when they meet some certain members they are like W in the actual F is that!!!

@sadiaarman363 2 года назад

Believe me, you are not alone!!

@JoeOh100 5 лет назад

So much projecting ..especially on social media.. its quite pervasive. ...love that quote about judgement

@juliakristinamah 5 лет назад

It can be a tough one to swallow, but often more true than many of us want to admit.

@gregjbonin 3 года назад

I just found your series. These are amazing and are just what I need at this point in time. Thank you so very much for this gift!!!

@TheWallaceReboot 5 лет назад

Just subscribed! I searched for "offended by everything" I'm finally ready to recognize some things and maybe a bit more secure than in the past...secure enough to deal with my truth and shift. This was really helpful! Thank you.

@thebestwillow 5 лет назад

My imperfections make me perfect for the woman who is perfect for me. Her imperfections make her perfect for me. Maybe those imperfections are perfections.

@wandalee5977 5 лет назад

yeah.

@sherrychapin8102 5 лет назад

Now that’s perfection in a man!

@elisabethdaniel9806 5 лет назад

Wabi sabi -

@jennymeakins1 5 лет назад

Perfectly said.

@Runeless 5 лет назад

That’s the key! I figured it out too! It’s not about being perfect, it’s about about being imperfect for the person that it works well with, which makes it perfect.

@jennifercody1426 5 лет назад

Great video.. Perfectly Imperfect is one of my favorite sayings.. thank you for your wisdom♡

@juliakristinamah 5 лет назад

Me too Jennifer ;-)

@lesterdiamond6190 10 месяцев назад

This is the greatest thing about getting older and having some money. Worrying about money is such a drag.

@Mtzronn 5 лет назад

I am a Sag, I have no problem speaking up, but I can easily go with the flow until I don't like the flow. 2nd one: I like to talk about how great others are, and share experiences when it contributes to a conversation. 3rd: As a natural, and literal, teacher, I like to help people be better at something. But also learning to hold my tongue a bit more in situations when it doesn't serve. 4th: Ha! I am a Sag and wear strawberry flavored shoes for a reason...see #1. But yeah, I own it when appropriate. 5th: As a musician, I totally agree. Can't play perfectly all the time. In fact, I encourage people to own the little mistakes like they meant to do it. "Ha! Yeah, I played that bad note, watch this, I am going to do it again!" Rock and Roll! Thanks! This is great stuff! I have been in a 3 year divorce process after a 27 year marriage, and I beat myself up over stuff for quite a while. Now realizing, and your video confirms, my ex has a lot of insecurities and projected them on me. She does #2 all the time, in fact it turned a lot of my friends off. In short, this video was healing for me. Thank You!

@nurulaini-co4ww 5 лет назад

Thank you julia🙏😁 every video of yours makes me know about myself. That's really help me to be better person. And I just realize that i am an insecure person. As far as i know i just hate other people underestimate me. I just want to prove that i am a capable person😖

@juliakristinamah 5 лет назад

you ARE capable nurul aini - no need to prove it.

@mrpsycholeojoey87 5 лет назад

This title, your lovely new haircut, and your great counseling helps me to become happy, along with my family and God. I will watch this video very soon God spare life. Please take care. God Bless.

@juliakristinamah 5 лет назад

Thanks Jeffrey - that's really kind of you.

@chrismetcalf2805 5 лет назад

Julia you said it all... I'm a single full time dad of two amazing kids, their mom is narcissistic/bipolar and you reinforce everything I've tried to emulate for them..... You said it perfectly and please don't be suprised if my motivated daughter, 13(going on 28!) reaches out to you. as a single dad I have relied on and have surrounded her w successful professional confident women as role models, you just joined that club :-)........ thank you

@loriorden 5 лет назад

So true Julie! You are incredibly gifted in this area. I hope more people realize it's okay to admit when we made a mistake and that we all are in the same boat!

@ericsierra-franco7802 5 лет назад

Insecure people also feel the need to tell others that they are smart, athletic...etc... because they are trying to convince themselves that they possess whatever trait or attribute they wish others to perceive in them. Additionally, by announcing to others that one possesses some skill or attribute, the insecure person is hoping for confirmation from others that they are indeed smart, athletic..etc. Unfortunately, looking for approval from others and having one's self esteem contingent on that approval is only going to increase one's insecurity as it is dependent on what others think of you, which is not under your control, rather than what you think of yourself.... which is under your control.

@margaretkolcze8355 3 года назад

Well said Eric What you think of yourself - which is under your control So true! I stopped hoping that family members who no longer live with me would take a few moments to come over to check out my flower garden that I change every year -too busy! Instead I email them a photo or short video to connect with them I am proud of my green thumb and if they answer me with positive reply -great -if not - doesn’t matter I am okay- I will still enjoy my flowers and birds

@yvettejones1293 5 лет назад

I show up and don't say anything about myself, it makes me uncomfortable because I don't feel like my accomplishments are good enough or anything major to talk about. I blew an interview because I couldn't talk about myself, I honestly didn't know what to say. I didn't think I had anything relevant to say about myself. I'm not perfect and Thats JUST perfect😚🤗😎

@sadiaarman363 2 года назад

I am sorry. I can be the same. You need some counselling or you will be missing out.

@michaelburns669 5 лет назад

Thank you for putting together these videos. This one particularly helped me feel and recognize that i'm on the way to okay and cleared up a lot of doubts i had about what i had experienced with a bad relationship that i walked away from.

@devonduke8888 5 лет назад

Worked a ten-hour shift came home and showered then got into bed and instead of going to sleep I decided to see my RU-vid recommendations and I am so very impressed with your presentation from the beginning to the end.

@kingedwardjames 5 лет назад

It is hard to be secure while homeless.

@bohoarts8484 5 лет назад

I agree with u it's very hard,,but use ur circumstances to strengthen ur inner being which will slowly make u secured in yourself,,only u can secure yourself inside,,I don't need anything around u to give u that,,,ur own security will make u feel wonderful,worthy,n beautiful on inside,,,work on ur inner side,,,

@lanajeanvecchione9659 5 лет назад

Society stigma is the real problem Edward because out here in San Francisco Bay Area it could happen to any of us. . .from fire, rent increase, disability. . no fault of your own. Stay blessed.

@lanajeanvecchione9659 5 лет назад

@@DoubleRainbows-fp6ih sounds like what our large USA cities have been turning into. Its really sad when a basic human right becomes tainted by greed and profits.

@jeremyletourneau9647 5 лет назад

I disagree because at that point you have nothing else left to lose

@thomaskuhn5142 5 лет назад

No it isn't, Not when you are truly a narcissist and accept no responsibility for the situation.

@d.v.9947 5 лет назад

Who are these people?! They sound amazing :)

@domedweller4202 5 лет назад

D. V. Lol 💕

@roseh1132 5 лет назад

😂

@mtm00 5 лет назад

'I'm OK - You're OK' [book by Thomas A. Harris, MD] springs to mind here! A teeny-tiny suggestion, made with loving appreciation: as you pack in a lot of information, and at a good pace, almost 20 minutes is a bit too long -- just something for you to think about. I felt relief when you took a noticeable breath AND it reminded me to breathe too ... which action always causes me to feel more joy and gratitude, so ... thank you.

@juliakristinamah 5 лет назад

Some of my videos are shorter - so if you prefer something shorter make sure to watch those!

@NNaadah 4 года назад

Not pointing out someone else's flaws also has to be tempered by holding to your own convictions. Secure people aren't afraid to own what they believe. This is especially true of moral and ethical values.

@amandataylor6713 5 лет назад

I’ve had the tendency to stand back and not speak up but am changing-

@flashlightfreek 5 лет назад

Julia, You have changed my life with your tips and tricks and I thank you for that!

@juliakristinamah 5 лет назад

Hey! Thanks so much for taking the time to say so. And good for YOU for being open and willing to make the shifts!

@ellakad6148 5 лет назад

Thanks I listen to one episode every day and I’m very grateful what you’re telling but let me tell you something about the older I got become more secure it and hepper I don’t have to impress anybody that’s a good part being older Thanks again

@coleboba 4 года назад

Thanks for doing what you do! My issues come up dating. I have given up control and rarely ever talk about my accomplishments. I struggle with abandonment and self esteem issues, I’m working on it.

@vincentpascual9363 4 года назад

Hi, I have struggled with fear most of my life and this video helped me to realize it could be a father wound. Thank you.

@renanlinard7 5 лет назад

Nice job!

@juliakristinamah 5 лет назад

Hey, thanks so much for saying so.

@laturley7445 5 лет назад

It's okay to be insecure! It's important to intellectual and emotional development. If you've never shown any signs of insecurity, you are not human. Be human and don't let anyone else tell you what that experience needs to be for you. Be different, be the same, get tattoos, or don't, be a player, or settle down, be an oddball, or don't. Especially, be all of these things, or none at all. This is your life, you have to live with your decisions. Take care of yourself the best way you know how. No one is the expert on you, except you. You've been there from day one, no one else.

@juliakristinamah 5 лет назад

Thanks for your comment LA Turley!

@dyzzydjm 5 лет назад

LA Turley I kind of agree with this. Children are insecure and although they are inexperienced they learn a lot every day. I think we must have enough personal power to remain safe, yet that is not just about being secure, it is about street smarts and reading situations and intelligent boundary setting and respecting the boundaries of others. For some people feeling insecure causes panic which can hinder progress. There is a TED talk that says research into stress suggested that people that believe stress is good for them did not have the same bad health effects from stress that those who believed stress was bad for them did.

@sharroncocker3465 5 лет назад

i agree you know sometimes i try too hard to be secure in myself and also never show no vulnerability to be strong all that stuff why do i have to be 100percent secure all the time..im human not a robot and after all no one will ever be perfect including me so theres no need for me to be 100per cent pefect at being secure

@sharroncocker3465 5 лет назад

i suffered with acute stress for many years daily panic attacks, im gratefull this has got much better over the years.

@miguelitos 4 года назад

I'm perfectly fine with not being perfect. I am not consumed by the things I need to change. I know I have areas of my life I need to work on. I am doing that work, the best I can, each and every day. Thanks to videos like this I find little bursts of inspiration throughout the day. New subscriber. Thanks for all you are doing.

@willowclay3137 5 лет назад

This is what I needed to hear so that I can be stronger and help others. I also need to not people please or make excuses for being late etc.

@Stickytoffeeful 5 лет назад

Thanks, Julia. I' m working on #1 trusting myself and "showing up" in situations. I like with #2 : I don't have to talk about how great I am rather I am grateful that I have the ability to... Anyway, I'm going to go check out your other vids!

@juliakristinamah 5 лет назад

Good to connect with you. Yeah, it's empowering to let ourselves feel good about ourselves without having to prove it to anyone else.

@hanin00r 5 лет назад

Listening to your video reminded me of secure persons that i know

@juliakristinamah 5 лет назад

Thanks for watching!

@breannaswagerty7075 5 лет назад

If we know secure people and can recognize them, we are on our way to becoming a secure person.

@HotSeat17 5 лет назад

Great subject! Great video! Thanks😁

@josephwatson3706 3 года назад

I AM READY. @ 60 ears old. A man of three children and just recently coming to the realization and acceptance of why there has always been a lack of a relative level of incontentment, and inner peace. I you're very fortunate to have come across your videos on codependence. I was aware prior but for some time I don't believe I was accepting how I was and preferred things like HSP and empath. Yeah, okay joe. Your communicative skills and what do you say seem to be spot on. Thank you so very much for creating these videos that help so many people. It's nice to have some hope through the chaos. A better and more clarified understanding. Thank you again very much.

@hanin00r 5 лет назад

I tend to avoid putting myself in a place to choose Thank you

@hanin00r 5 лет назад

I don't like to share my achievements and I thought this is kind of humility

@janeteddddd 5 лет назад

Same

@juliakristinamah 5 лет назад

There is a difference between self-deprecation and humility. Often, in our plight to be humble, we go too far and become self-deprecating. It's a good one to keep in check.