It Doesnt Matter Who Initiates Sex, They Said | #$h^tTherapistsSay 

“You get someone turned on by how you treat them..”🙌✨

I'm definitely tired of being the initiator. It's making everything feel one-sided and sometimes I get a "no" so that makes me feel rejected. Meh.

What stood out for me was that in a relationship with a lot of hurt going on and/or unresolved hurt... intimacy is next to impossible. It's hard to initiate when you don't feel a connection or safe (emotional as well as physical). Throw in weight/body issues, physical issues, past sexual abuse, hormonal issues (age), depression, stress, outside influences (porn, societal pressures...), etc... it's a miracle any couples have satisfying sex lives over years and years of a relationship. It's good to remember that "who initiates" is just one of the facets of the sexual health of a relationship.

As the person who can go a while without needing it again, I've definitely had times when my partner has said he feels unwanted because I'm almost never the one to initiate. As in so many things communication has been key. I've made a conscious effort to initiate sometimes and he's grown more understanding that it's not because I don't like him that I don't initiate. Definitely agree that it doesn't need to be 50/50... it's definitely not 50/50 for us but we're doing the best we can. Thanks for breaking this down!

Just a light note that Aces come in different categories. Some people are Black Stripe Aces, thus sex adverse. But some aces are gray-ace (Demi, gra/ey, flux, etc). Sex stance does not always equal the type of ace one is. BTW, I made a chart with ALL the flags and their definitions I could find, but I don't think I can post the link here without getting flagged. But the point is that it varies. There are also Aromantics (Aros) that might not want to initiate because they have to go through romance to do so (again, romance stance is not the same as sex stance or the type of aro one is). Sexuality is complicated (Speaking as an Anthropologist who did a few papers on it for college classes.)

Another piece about the bedroom being how you show in life, I would also add that for many that are aggressive/in control in life, crave the opposite in the bedroom. I want the bedroom to be a place I don’t have to be in control anymore. I can be submissive to a more dominant partner.

“She’ll be fine.” I had a traumatic experience as a preteen and saw a therapist 2-3 times. She decided that I was fine and wouldn’t be scarred. She was wrong because I didn’t even know how to process what had happened and as I got older and processed, I didn’t know how to deal.

I'm ace and I absolutely love these videos. I'm currently in a romantic relationship and often enough, i want to please my partner and make them happy by any means possible. But it helps to know that I don't always have to initiate things in order for them to feel desired

As an asexual person I struggle with this a bit, knowing when I should initiate. But I think the idea of that aspect of the relationship being a representation of the rest of the relationship/how we are by ourselves sheds some light on that. I try to give when I feel like I can. I just don’t always know when I should. I think this helps. Thanks.

Gonna tell on myself a bit - there are often times when we represent our perceived opposite sides when being intimate. A lot of Dom/mes comment that many clients that seek them out in order to be submissive are usually required to take charge of a lot in their daily life. They find a place where they can safely relinquish control as a release, especially because most kink requires strict boundary establishment and adherence. Often in the day-to-day, we get our boundaries bumped up against, or even trampled, and we have to roll with it. That said, a partner that enables/brings that safety does often reflect that in the rest of their relationship behavior. A lot of my most respectful, loyal, thoughtful and nurturing friends are in the scene and it makes total sense.

Who should? Realistically the partner that feels they would benefit, with the very clear understanding that the other partner gets to say “no” without any resentment or frustration or other consequence. Definitely not 50/50 keeping score with expectations of your partner (expectations you set for yourself seem like a good idea though.) Thank you for discussing this, by the way. Like so many things in mental health, it’s taboo and we get all sorts of weird hang ups about it and that leads to miscommunication.

I teach creative writing at the college level, and I've occasionally told my students that, "I'm not teaching you anything new. I'm mostly just teaching you the words for concepts you've already encountered." Whenever I listen to Jonathon or other therapists talk, I very much get the same feeling. He says things, and I go, "Oh. Yeah! That makes sense. I've experienced that already. That happened to me. That happened to my friend/family/co-worker/etc." I always leave these videos feeling like a slightly better, more capable person. (And I also sent my colleague in the Psychology department to check out Cinema Therapy. 🙂)

For me one of the reasons that I have a hard time initiating is because every time that I’ve tried it seems like he’s so not in the mood that it just honestly kind of hurts and like I’ll go out of my way and he’ll encourage me to go out of my way and then he’ll go to bed and he won’t be into it all but like it’s not a I’m gonna go to bed let’s go to bed together she’s like oh yeah I’m tired…. After I just spent like an hour and a half just trying everything I could think of and trying to do what he could think of and I’m just like well am I not attractive and I know that I am because he brings it up like all the freaking time but in the moment like that kind of kills it makes me feel like shit… so I just don’t do it anymore because it is such a heavy track record of failure..

I have been struggling with this for the last couple of months... I've had a lot of personal health problems that sadly make my sex experience not a good one. The medicine I have been taking to fix one of the problems has as a side effect low libido but in my case is ZERO libido. I understand his need but at the same time don't feel understood because I'm not interested in having sex and feel that all intimate touch has that expectation. He has said he does not expect that but after reiterating my no desire to have sex he has had a "panic" attack that ended in me having to perform to calm him down. (I do realized there is a lot more going on)

IF a therapist says sex fixes everything, sounds like maybe their own opinion. But clearly not true.

This is a conversation me and my partner just had. He’s not ready to go every time I am and for no other reason than his medication. I was in the same boat a few years ago but in a different relationship(where I was the one who needed to be asked regularly and never initiated). So I completely understand. I feel guilty sometimes because I keep asking or hinting and get turned down often but I know it’s to be expected. We spoke about ways to help him get there sometimes without hindering his medical needs. We communicate well in general but it’s hard sometimes to bring it up. I love how helpful this channel is tho!

What about just not interested? I really don’t enjoy sex or want it. Most of which is the fact that I’m never treated as if I’m desirable until he’s feeling like it.

Yeah, my issue is: due to a neurological disorder, more than one of my medications considerably lowers, if not eliminates sex drive. And I've been taking these pills since puberty. When I say, I've never had a crush or sexual fantasies about ANYONE, EVER ...I genuinely mean that. So, when a partner just expects me to want to initiate or even have the first sexual encounter with them, it all feels odd because the urge is never there.

This has actually been a recent issue for me. I used to be the one initiating every time because my drive was a bit of a problem. Then one day it was like someone flipped a switch and it was shut off completely. No interest, no reaction, nothing. I was initially relieved but now my bf and I have swapped places where he's the one who feels unwanted and I feel awful about it but idk what I can do. I've just been hoping that figuring out the medical issues that happened around the same time might be able to fix it but it's going on three years now and I still don't even have an official diagnoses of what is causing everything :/

I prefer to initiate, but I guess my partner does that as well, just in a different way. He's more flirty during the day, when I am more direct, so its balancing out :) In life, I am also more a go-getter and direct, and he's more go with the flow and playful.

Your videos always help me to pay attention to my own behavior. Thank you very much!!!

Love your videos

This jumped out at me in particular as I just went through a change in relationships. With my Ex I found myself often being the one attempting to initiate sex and as time went on out was less and less successful. In my current relationship I feel im being pursued much more and it has made me feel valued in a more all around way. It's not just the sex there's a plethora of microaffections I feel now that I didn't before

I absolutely think both partners need to be able to initiate, and I also struggle so much - both because I’m not very good at advocating for myself in the wider scheme as it is, and also because I’m on the asexual spectrum and I could go a pretty long while without wanting or needing that sort of intimacy. It caused big problems in at least one previous relationship, and has been brought up in one or two others, so I always worry it could and will be a big problem again… but I don’t know how to ‘fix’ it…

I'm always very confused when someone wants to sleep with me. I'm like wait, huh, you skipped like 5 steps. 😅

Good advice, as always, but tbh I liked the video when Jonathan started singing 😍 seriously though, this gas been an issue for me before, but we talked it over...helps to understand the other pov

My partner is the dom, and was involved in the kink community long before we met. I have never been part of that community, though I knew long before I met him that I'm a submissive. We were friends online for a long time, and once he asked if I "belong" to anybody. I was in a relationship at the time, and I quipped about being owned by another person, at which point he said that's exactly what he meant (and I became much more interested in him). We finally went on a karaoke date in 2016, and have been primary partners most of the time since then, though I continued to see my previous primary for several years. Steve is 5 years older than I and has ADHD, which can interfere with his sexual performance. I never hold that against him, which is apparently new for him. He's basically had no other partners since we became a couple, though I frequently verify that he's being fulfilled sexually. I had a very high sex drive before I turned 50 (my 51st birthday was day before yesterday), and he would often stop me from initiating sex;he appreciates that I don't pressure him to perform. I'm ready and eager whenever he asks, or at least I used to be, though since I stopped seeing Albert a year ago it seems my sex drive has simply gone away. It's disconcerting, and a couple of days ago I started to wonder if I actually need two partners in order to be responsive to anyone. Is my libido gone because I'm in my 50s and post menopausal, or did I stop wanting my partner simply because I gave up my side piece? I'm so confused!

Do you think you could make a video about them saying you'll never be too much for the right person? Because either that's just crap that therapists/society says or I should've found a different guy to marry because I feel like I am too much for him most of the time. Yes, we both need therapy. I'm working on getting on with my previous therapist again. I hope my husband will eventually want to go too but I'm not pushing that. I already push everything else that needs to get done in our life, or nothing would get done at all.

I don’t mind initiating but my current gf hasn’t done anything with anyone and has expressed she wishes for me to make moves but not sure if she’s ready or not. So I’m stuck trying to do as asked but not push her into being uncomfortable. RIP

I think it took us awhile to get it, but for us, I let my husband initiate. He works a lot and he’s tired, so when I would often try to initiate, he would be too tired and I would end up hurt. If I’m not in the mood when he wants it, I either all him to wait until later that night or the next day or couple of days. There have been times where I initiate and it works out. And sometimes we’re just hanging out and like, “Wanna have sex?” “Sure” It’s chill and relaxed and fun.

I love this!!! I was wondering if you could do a video on having a mixed orientation marriage. This is my experience (I'm asexual and he is straight) and I know others in a similar situation that might benefit from a video. How much does sexual orientation affect a marriage? Can a mixed orientation marriage be successful? Etc. Thank you for everything!

So what happens when your spouse complains that you don’t initiate sex enough, but then turns you down and/or falls asleep during foreplay whenever you do?

Aw dang I'm in the 1:20 situation and craving for the need to want to love and care for someone back.

I agree with you. Although sex drive can depend on time in a persons life (for both men and women), I would still say that the average amount of what is best is 60%male and 40% female initiation.

I like the comment that just having more sex makes problems go away--despite being right about how bad that advice is--because my love languages (I'm bilingual) are touch and quality time, so that actually tracks with me. Not that sex solves problems, but that I tend to invent relationship problems in my head unless I'm getting my love languages expressed to me at a certain frequency. This, however, is definitely bad advice for most people, and I can attest that quality time with touch does not need to be sexual--even if they're tied as a person's love languages--in order to meet the need to feel loved.

Because of SA PTSD I never want to actually have sex but I wish I could just show I desire my SO without having to follow through.

I’ve known people who have confided that while they’re definitely a go-getter in their day today, when they get to the bedroom they’re extremely submissive. Why might that be? I’d be very interested to hear your thoughts.

Please do a video on Limerance and Relationship OCD (Rocd)

There are so many subs in the bdsm scene that are ceos, managers, and bosses in their profession. It's funny when you say people tend to be in the bedroom how they are outside the bedroom. But i don't think that's necessarily true for many 😅

Can you plz talk about physically abusive parents and how to deal with them and how physical abuse affect us mentally

Ahaha my partner hasn't initiated in 8 months and completely rejects me every time. Kills me.

I find myself as the higher sex drive (f30) compared to my partner (m30). Its only slightly unequal so I am happy to let him initiate and I enthusiastically jump onboard. It makes me less anxious because I dont have to worry about him rejecting me and can take care of myself if its been a week.

My therapist told my husband he should have never admitted he cheated on me. That it was his burden to carry and that by telling me all he did was transfer his guilt to me.

I’m a Demisexual Asexual , sex is not high on my list , I can only do stuff like that if I have an emotional bond with person sounds stupid I know 😅 usually the person I’m with we tend to be the same sex drive wise in sync with each other I find that can be quite rare quality in someone 😊

I am a Graysexual Romantic... that means I rest somewhere in between Allosexual (someone who has sexual attraction) and asexual, but heavily Romantic( I prefer to cuddle hold and be romantic. I very much enjoy everything right to sex, but usually feel, well, almost ick, when it comes to initiating sex. Now I have some idea why, but uncomfortable to share why here. When somebody initiates it, I am more than ready to participate in it. I think it is an interesting thought I might need to initiate. But in my case, it isn't just about me not feeling like I am not able to ask about getting my needs met in everyday life. For me, it is about real and defined past trauma. Consent means the world to me. For me, pressuring someone to have sex is assault. It has happened to me... I never want to do that to someone else. So I hang back a lot and allow them to initiate. This, for me, is the best way for me to know I have full consent. Watching this video is making me think about this a bit. I wish I had the courage to step beyond this. It lets me see my partner of 25 years may need this from me. I wish I could get past all this, but I don't know how.

I've had someone be the aggressor so much I've worried they only wanted sex, not me. I think I might be asexual...

I have a question: I love my partner, I really do. He is my rock and I am his and we make each other laugh and we just share everything with each other. But in the last years he completely changed physically. He was always moderately thin. And I love that. It just turns me on if a manis thin. Now my husband became the opposite and I don’t know what to do. His body not only looks very different, it feels very different and I really don’t like that. So I don’t initiate anything anymore. I feel like the worst person, but I have my sexual preferences. I can’t change them. So what am I supposed to do now?

In my line of work, I have to be very dominant and in position of leadership (real estate boss) that in my sexual life, I like being in my feminine energy. I don’t want to necessarily be in control. Normal?

Is that your Game Face in the pic, Jono?

It wont let me 'like' the video, just fyi.

I was just thinking while watching this video (and a couple of the other sh#t therapists say videos) that I sort of feel bad for the therapists being quoted as there is no context being given. Many of the prases could actually be good advice depending on the context, but there is no way of knowing. E.g. maybe this was said to someone who was having relationship issues because they felt initiating was not part of their role and then i would argue the advice is potentially valid or at least worth exploring (just my opinion on this though). I'm thinking this also because, from my own experience, therapists can sometimes confront you with things you don't like about yourself and it you are not open to it yet, you might just categorise it as bad advise. All this to just say that while watching these videos I often wish there was context. Fully enjoy the videos though

A lot of my relationships with men involved a high expectancy for sex constantly. One even going so far as to say it was my 'job' to have sex with him because I was his girlfriend. It really felt like the only thing of value they saw in me was access to my body. Thanks to a good therapist, I'm working on how that impacted me.

😅 Why do I feel like the Mended Light videos about romantic and sexual relationships are never relevant to me? lol I'm in an open, queer, polyamorous tetrad (relationship comprised of four people), and almost all of our sex is with people outside of the tetrad. The tetrad is primarily a romantic, domestic, mutually supportive system.

Nobody has ever wanted me

I’m genuinely shocked at the lack of acknowledgement for Asexuals in this video, when you’re usually one of the only RU-vidrs who acknowledge we exist. If sex is a microcosm of life, does that imply Asexuals aren’t very interested in life?

I don't like when you say that the person who initiates sex all the time is "an aggressor" . I don't understand why you use this word so much. I was in a marriage where I needed to initiate sex all the time because I needed this love and affection from my man. I don't think that needing love is aggression. Please pay attention to what you say in your videos