John Vervaeke - How To Deal With Losing Friends As You Develop 

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I have lost friends and family members. That is just the way it is....Authenticity and truth is more important to me.

When I was a kid my dad didn't have any friends by choice and I didn't understand it. Then I grew up, I understand it now.

Losing friends is actually a benefit. People are fake, they intentionally drag you down. It's better to have one or two real friends than dozens of fake ones.

If you are feeling lonely, remember, you're not alone. There are a lot of fine people out there, feeling the same way.

I’ve walked away from friends I can no longer respect. Once respect is gone, I can’t fake it.

26 years old and I've lost all of my friends and cut my abusive father out from my life - but I'm happier than I've ever been. I know that I will find true friends as I continue growing.

In my 20's I had a lot of friends, some just casual buds, but also a core few who I expected to be close to for my entire life. I'm 31 and they're all gone now. It seems like everyone got a memo saying to no longer tolerate anyone who has any difference of opinion with you about anything, and if they do to just drop them and run. I didn't get that memo.

Friends and family, the people who resist your personal development the most.

Friends who leave you when you begin to grow were not real friends in the first place.

Quitting facebook was the best loss of friends I've ever experienced. I'm so much happier now.

In my first month off the cocaine. Friends are going to drop like flies soon. Perfect timing video. Buddies vs friends is brilliant

I only have one friend. I'm 59. Even that friend I only see maybe once a year. I dumped my other friends eleven years back. Even though I had known them for decades I don't miss them. I like solitude and never get bored in my own headspace. My wife thinks I'm totally weird. Being on my own de-stresses me.

My parents had lifetime friends, but they were all from the same geographic area. Things are different now. People move away from their birthplace and live in several regions over our lifetimes now, so that causes people to have different experiences and outlooks. It's nice to reminisce with old friends, but if you both grew in different directions, talking about the old times only fills so much time. We have to have current similar interest and similar values to make reunions be a long lasting event or they become just a short magical moment to look back on fondly.

The more authenticity you seek, the more friends you'll lose along the way.

Been on the road to zero debt for years now. My friend's wife spent the first 15 minutes of the last time I visited them telling me I'm dumb for paying stuff off and I need to spend way more on treating myself. The irony is I treat myself more than they do. It's just not on empty frivolous stuff like 5 dollar coffee and electronics.

I always avoided people who seemed not to be genuine, they followed the herd, said what they were supposed to be saying- this is a pretty lonely place to be in but I always had 1 or 2 good friends. Those relationships were very precious and satisfying.

I would rather have 2 good friends that accept me when I tell it like it is, than 10 'okay' friends that I have to kiss up to.

You have no idea how much I needed this. Thanks.

“Have no friends not equal to yourself.” - Confucius

Currently at the stage of my life where being around my current circle takes so much energy. I’m finding being alone feels better

He's right . You're going to change and evolve anyway as you get older but if you're on a journey of self exploration this is amplified . You lose the common ground you had with old friends and lovers so you have to let them go . I changed so much over a 25 year journey I have virtually no friends , family or lovers left but the wisdom gained is worth it .

The closer you are to the Truth, the fewer friends (or neighbors, or family) you will have...

I’m going through a not so terrible divorce right now because of this very fact. I have also shut out anyone in my life who is an anchor, rather than an engine, except the occasional buddy as the speaker stated. It was extremely difficult at first but has become part of my makeup and I could not be more whole and satisfied. I no longer feel alone, sad, and angry.

Lockdown has distanced me from my friends but was surprised to find that I don’t really miss them! A couple are inherently negative and I didn’t realise how draining that was until I didn’t see them. A couple are lovely and I know we can meet after any amount of time and it will feel like we haven’t been apart and we root for each other in our lives. But I have found that I’m actually ok with my own company for the first time ever and it feels very positive 💗

Been noticing a very close friend and I have been drifting apart the last few months as I grow and seek things and he doesn't. This was a video I needed to hear. Keep up the great videos Chris! I'm always pleased with the quality of guests you have on.

It's so comforting to read these comments and see that so many are waking up. This setting of boundaries with those who don't even trying to develop themselves is crucial. Often for those who are expanding realize they are board with old friends. They are still stuck in the childish world of physical stuff and you are living in the world of emotions, ideas, consciousness. When this happens low vibrational people naturally fade away. It's a little hard at first but the you begin to realize how much energy they were taking from you and how much better you feel without them. Stay strong awaking ones. Ascension is coming and it's beautiful!

I lost a friend on 2021 March 15 after more than 20 years of friendship. Beware of the Ides of March, the saying goes.

This has very much been my experience. I trained as a psychotherapist during my 20s, so inevitably I changed. I found as that happened, I lost childhood friends, but now in my 30s, I have a few but much better quality friendships.

In my dads voice." Baby girl, you only need business partners and a lawyer😂😂😂🤦‍♀️ everyonelse comes and go!!" Imagine your dad telling you this from the age of 11😂😂😂😂 . I'm only just understanding it now🖤🖤 love you pops!

This hit close to home for me. Iv seen allt of people fall out of my life the last couple of years. I dont think they are bad people, just not interested in true discussion and diving deep into a topic and challenge and try to learn from eachother. Feels soo lonely being at a party with a bunch of people having mind numbing conversations, rather be alone at home. I remember being at a dinner party last summer, and we were talking about movies. and it became a movie name dropping sequence where everybody just named movies they like. which is ok I guess, but it felt like it was an escapism from true conversations that people didnt dare to have so we just kept it at "ah Tom Hanks, whata legend, seen that movie where he talks to volleyball for 2 hours?". I think I dislike myself in those situations more then the discussions or the other people, I dont like who I become. I can feel myself being untrue "Ah Tom Hanks, yeah then you must have seen that Green Mile, whata movie" Anyways the people you want to talk to will come. Wanting to have "real talks" makes you a magnet to them.

Lost my two sister this year and all communication has broken down because of their left-wing ideology . It's very sad but there is nothing I can do about this, life goes on...

99% of close friends I had at uni have gone off the ‘deep end’ and cut me off. With the worst one- a closest friend- it came to a head when I fervently disagreed that violence against political opponents was justified. Even when the are ‘nazis’. They made their choices, and I stand by my principles. Perhaps one day they will grow up, but they way society has gone so far (exact same direction) I fear the damage they will do in the meantime

I'm dealing with this right now. I am no better than anyone because I used to be a big piece of shit who was extremely overweight and depressed. Hardly any of my friends helped me but I crawled out of that and continue to crawl out of that hell hole but it wasn't until I started self improvement and really trying to discipline myself that I realized that these "friends" were no longer worth sticking around. I needed them when I was a lost soul to distract myself but that kind of energy was only ever going to attract these kinds of people. I hoped my transformation would motivate or inspire them but it only made them bitter and resentful due to their own self reflections. I am happier alone on this journey than with those who bring me down.

I've dedicated my entire life to the truth, since the age of 11 as my family disintegrated. I'm 37 now and I have no friends at all from the first 27 years of my life. I now have many new friends and for each one I have tremendous love and a huge amount of admiration for each other. Full of meaning and kindness and a support for the better parts of ourselves. I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Spent quite a bit of time in isolation for the past couple years. Going through drug addiction depression etc. Coming out stronger than ever. Starting to hangout with some of my friends again more and this is exactly what ive been thinkin past couple weeks. Just feel like im on another level now and the way they talk to me its like they are trying to push me back down even its weird. Even the exact people who have been rooting for me to get my life together.

I moved away from friends and family for work... very little opportunity at what was home. I used to fly back regularly, but something flipped and I've only been back a couple times in the last 6 years to see anyone. I keep in touch occasionally - at best. This guy is speaking truth. You need to make friends/peace with yourself, or solitude becomes insufferable.

The bad part about old cliques or friendships falling apart as the years go by, is the loss of familiarity and loneliness while adapting to your new reality. The good part, is the opportunity to take inventory of who you are NOW, and form new relationships of authentic connection, rather than your personality feeling pressured to remain in some performative box of who you were when you were 18 years old.

I was not expecting to come across Vervaeke when I searched " losing friends" but im glad I landed here. Been what feels like shedding people, family, acquaintances and recently old friends. Nearing my 40s, some of these losses feel like mourning. Evaluating my attachment to these outdated relations. Losing a sister like friendship to perception distortions from alcoholism as well as wild radicalizaion from conspirituality is heavy on the heart. Growth can be lonely and there can be so much wisdom in the dark. Thank you both for this insightful conversation

Assumptions are key. Don't assume that the friends you have now will be the best friends to have in the future. Which friends are the sails that pull your forward and which are the anchors which stop you moving.

I've just fallen out of touch with someone I'd known for 25 years. Haven't had contact for over a year. I suddenly realised that the friendship was completely 1 way and that she is so self absorbed I just got nothing out of it anymore, and hadn't for a very long time. I thought why am I even bothering? I stopped making an effort and guess what, she was pissed that I wasn't running around after her anymore. And that was that.

I guess some of my closest friends were dead when I first heard of them. Leave enough of yourself, your work, to be a comforting friend to someone when you're gone.

@04:16 A friend, also, is someone who knows everything wrong with you and still sticks with you.

Never had any...saw where it was headed early on...like it this way

I was feeling very depressed and unworthy in myself last year, and my oldest "friend" took it as an opportunity to criticize my politics and try to convert me to the "woke" tribe. That was the end of that illusion of friendship. I realized it never was a friendship; rather, it was an implied mutual exchange of attention. (You pretend to show interest in what I am interested in and I will pretend to show interest in what your are interested in.) That's all friendship is, and when they other party stops doing a convincing job of pretending they care about what you're interested in, it's over. I actually am still interested in following my old "friend's" artistic work because I think his art is amazing. And he always proclaimed that he couldn't wait to hear what I was up to, but I can tell he has stopped following my work now that I am no longer giving him the praise and feedback that was all he really wanted all along. With "friends" like that, we don't need enemies!

There seems to be an honest convo on speakers exposing their foibles and fragilities. Jordan Peterson comes to mind

I’m terrible at making new friends. I don’t connect well with most guys. I come across as awkward and I get angry and bitter when I feel on the outside looking in. I don’t doubt that I’m the problem.... I just don’t know how to even fix it. Thankfully I do have a couple of close friends

Many of us don’t know how to be a friend anymore too. Not sure what happened over the years. It’s like people just get in the way of our distractions..

Yes, I lost so much when I left the Left.

Some so called friends hate you with such resentment if you forge forward to make something with your life. I got news - they are not friends. I had dozens of friends in my twenties, but as everyone finds their own lives and many move away, very few are left and as you do your own thing you tend to drift away, but you find more inner satisfaction from making more in your life and you will then relate to others more on your own level in time. Never be afraid to move forward. It is what you are here to do.

Losing some of the most profound connections a person might have, especially when they’ve contributed to their life so much, is excruciatingly painful yet often unavoidable. People do grow apart but when you’re not saying in a good place, this can be rationalised negatively. I’m learning that holding on too tight through dependency and the expectations that comes with this, can and does lead to disappointment. What a way to grow!

I can understand that. I've had good friends in my life but we grew up and everyone went their separate ways but I still remember them fondly.

I have changed my life from being a drunk and drug fuelled hedonistic creature of habit haha working miserably as an electrician. I chose to changed things I went to uni and finished a degree in psychology and clinical psychology I also became a yoga teacher and now I work for mental health team in the NHS. I have lost many friends through this process of change and it does hurt sometimes thinking about it. Although I have made some real quality friends and relationships through the new avenues I now participate in like Jujitsu. As a guy I would say it was hard to admit the fact you have hardly any friends because the things I now do don't collide with your old behaviours and habits. However, there are plenty of people out there looking for meaningful companionship take a leap of faith. In my opinion I prefer the solitude I have now to do me and work on myself and help others than to just stay in a group and go along with the crowd because it's comfortable and not lonely.

Friends come and go. Learn what you can from them and teach them what you can also.. The ones who are their at the end are on the same journey as you. The ones that aren't, Are on a different one. Wish them well.

There are no friends, just memories

Wonder conversation. Thank you for sharing of yourselves.

I remember hearing a quote a while back, something like - If you have a little amount of friends, you have a lot of life experience. That hit home for me. By the way, these comments are great. Love reading through them all and I'm picking up some great points.

Wonderful that John Verveke is your guest again ! Splendid !

A heartfull of gratitude for this one! I’m right there. 💕

I have definitely found the spiritual path to be lonely at times. But I've also felt deeply connected with people with whom I would have otherwise shared very little.

Guys - March to the beat of your own drum ... it is your life ..... make your own decisions - live with the consequences of your own choices - go and have a blast ...... life is short

Vervaeke is a beautiful soul

Negative influences can become toxic, and its important to remove toxicity. But with some people who are necesarily near & dear, we could manage time spent with them in small chunks & focus on keeping to subjects that are still agreed on

Leveling up is hard, but it is so worth it!

You learn to appreciate new things and new people. Things and people that appreciate you, for who you really are.

Jon and Jordan where the biggest factors that drove me to understand myself and why I think the way I do and how the mind is very much a computer that needs constant software upgrading and examination of processing apparatus.

Decadent romanticism - witness my 2 Divorces. . I can't grow enough in inside a romantic relationship without losing interest. Becoming wiser... the ultimate purpose of life.

Beautiful, important words. Thank you!

Constant growth and self-improvement is the introvert’s game. It’s much easier for us as introverts, since we have less innate need for social relationships. It’s the extroverts who have it the hardest in the case.

In life you will have many 'buddies' and see them 'come and go.' I don't think you honestly know what a friend is until that person not only reaches out to you regularly with 'concern and interest in you' but also you seem to have enough in common that you 'purely' enjoy each other's company. It's important that they not only show you that they 'need' you but they do it in a way that isn't about being 'needy.' You find that out the hard way sometimes as you get older. Especially as you move away from a kind of 'selfishness.' There are people that I still have 'so-so' access to after all these years that I consider 'brothers' and even have 'kindred' relationships with others. But I'm not sure I would categorize them as 'friends' the same way I would have in the past.

Aristotelian definition of a true friend at 4:30!

It's tough, I was so close with my buddy/friend/brother at one time but he increasingly became more and more annoying in the latter years and I realized that I was growing and he was not and I saw myself getting more angry at him all the time. I haven't ended the friendship but distanced myself quite a bit. I will always be there for him if he's in need but hanging out with him, I don't think I could ever do that again.

True friends are very hard to come by. Most like the "idea" of friendship and they tell you they love you.. and have absolutely no clue what unconditional, real love is. I make sure to tell those good friends how important they are to me and how much I value them.

How the authentic rings true. Nice bit of synchronicity as well since I was ruminating with Socrates over these issues myself this morning. Enjoy your work thanks.

Freedom, in myriad forms is paramount.

This is so true. My lived experience too.

I can relate to this. Since the end of 2019 I have lost quite a few friends or people I thought were friends. I sent a lot of them customised Christmas messages at the end of 2019 and advised them I was spending time off of social media for the first 3 months of 2020. I heard back from almost none of them. The Covid-19(84) pandemic, a good excuse to reconnect I thought, they still didn't bother. Those people are gone. I have also had people with whom I had a polite difference of political opinion turn nasty...whilst they themselves call for tolerance of their views! I do sometimes wish life would "deal" with such people but I know that is wasted energy and I need to focus on moving myself forward. I am disappointed I have lost friends, but I think it has showed they were never real friends despite how much as I there for them. I like to think that clears some space for new people to enter my life.

thank you 🌱

Some true pearls of wisdom right there! 👍

After I integrated with my shadow I saw the world in a whole new light. It was like I became another person. I wanted to share that with other people but soon realized that it wasn't a blessing rather a curse. You may have developed but those around did change. Its unnerving listening to an old man say things that you know are absolutely untrue. And it is especially painful watching a friend destroy themselves and not be able to help. I had to learn that if someone is drowning it is often better to just let go than to hold on and let them drag you down.

Great insights. We live in the times of everything "fast": fast internet, fast food, fast and furious, etc. Romcoms are also kind of a fast food but for soul. We get used to the idea that in 1.5 hours you can solve the problem. But, as Mr. Vervaeke says, it may take years and years. A good thing to keep in mind.

Ok so he explained the difference between a buddy and a friend, but what about a guy?

We mentally, and from an inner energy perspective, fit where we are and with the people we're with. 'Birds of a feather flock together' is an age old saying. As we change (while our friends do not), we should cease to fit with them. Sometimes it's best to know that and just head out on ones own. But old neural pathways take a little time to change. You will no longer be birds of a feather. Actually, I believe one should consider that and do your best to view that as a good thing.

I’m going through this now and getting more depressed everyday. I cut out social media (apart from YT for education) and feel so disconnected in a world so connected.

Chris keep killing it

I had a good friend from childhood and I had a big blowout with him at 42. I brought up why I was upset and what I didn't like. There was zero room for discussion with him, so I just said later. He literally said, 'I don't want change' a few weeks beforehand. I had a split with my mother too which lasts to this day. It was disturbing because I was confronted with the person I used to be and the people I had around me. I wasn't a victim since I participated all those years and didn't articulate what I wanted. Finding my voice and a capacity for self reflection was what it took. We want people to change with us but it is highly unlikely.

Thanks, very deep.

Your friends are just the enemies you have stuff in common with.

Absolutely terrific dialogue and he's correct in my view. However, I wouldn't agree with title description regarding "losing friends" because as we improve ourselves from within we evolve beyond the fake ego "friends" that we surrounded ourselves with prior to our improvement.

so helpful - thank you for giving me permission to let them go!

Thank you

Excellent clip. This is how we ‘Center Out-->💚 ‘.

Totally agree with this. I love learning, I love asking questions, I love challenging myself. Most people can't cope with this, and in today's propaganda climate, merely asking questions gets me a toxic reply and has lost me lifelong friends. I am now single, with a few amazing friends who do the same, 2 dogs, being 100% me, yet happier than ever :)

i love how you differentiate buddies and friends. ive had buddies as my only friends for the past 5 years or so and now that im in my late 20s. we had common interests and partied a lot but I've grown and they haven't. I have one true friend outside of them thats wants me to grow and i want the same for them. people will hold you back greatly without either of you even realizing it.

I am in my mid-thirties and have lost my best friend of 30 years. No fights. No differences of opinion. Nothing I can even see being the cause. One day, he just decided to stop talking to me without reason. I live in another country and he has visited me many times. We used to chat weekly. The pain is like a constant knife - not knowing why. I'm married, but no kids. He is in a relationship without kids, so it's not like there are so many things pulling us apart either. I mean, relationships can survive this too. Another best friend of mine has had kids for years and through his children, we are closer than ever. I'm really hurt. Really struggling. It's been a year.

Was always a big deal to lose friends, but now it's how their lost. Differences in the slightest pertaining to opinion lead to this now. We have started to judge the totality of each other off of one opinion another has that we don't like.

I studied what I lacked. Wauw love it 🥰

My guy here has a relationship with his awesome futon.

as well as opportunities sometimes children ,self esteem etc. but not forever

I unintentionally offended a friend since high school 1 month ago. We are 40. Texted me 2 weeks later about what I said that offended him. Also, he made a tasteless comment about the Israel conflict in that same text. I apologized about what I said, but made no comment regarding Israel. It was at that time I received the text from him, that I will likely never talk to him again. So many other issues have occurred for years prior this. I take some blame in the ending of this friendship. But, life moves on.