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I used to think, that a perfect relationship, is 2 broken humans building one big home together. After suffering 20 years of my own allusion, I realized that broken is individual work.
@@RICHARDGRANNON Hey Richard! Fancy seeing you here! Constantly learning and growing thanks to you in large part. B.t.w. if you're ever in Sarasota let me know and I'd gladly buy you some lunch and a beer to demonstrate my gratitude!
True. Being on the receiving end of smear campaigns for decades due to my narcissistic relatives I have to add that the people who participate in smear campaigns are most often toxic too. Some of them even Narcs themselves.
Waking up.. doing internal self healing. Seeing and acknowledging that it was a fantasy. Taking off the rose coloured specks. Realising you have to throw away the fantasy.. Being brave enough to break your own heart to leave and save yourself. Self love ❤️ Being the adult for your own inner child. Releasing your love interest might trigger them to introspect? But it's not your job. It's thiers. You are showing yourself ultimate self love ❤️
Oh Yeah Just Ate Dinner With my H And Did Another Experiment I Started Sharing A Piece Of Info About SomeThing he Had Just Shared I Stopped In Mid Sentence Cuz I Saw him Check Out Yup,.. he Never Skipped A Beat In Eating And Never Noticed I Quit Speaking No Big Deal ! Lol ! In my own Room EnJoying This Video Now
True story….I attended a Richard Grannon/Kris Godinez seminar with my Ex several years ago in PHX AZ. All the while thinking and being told (by my ex) that his ex wife was the narc. Fast forward 7 years and involving way too many details to mention I FINALLY got the courage to leave after a vertebral fracture to my back and having a gun pointed at my face. Cognitive dissonance along with my own baggage was a “perfect storm” that made me a great candidate to play right into his “plan”. I wanted to fix him and prove to him that he was lovable. The humble lesson that I’ve learned and I can now actually laugh at is that I’m not that powerful--to change anyone…I can only heal and choose to grow for myself. A costly long lesson….yes but I truly believe and can say it was worth the self healing that I desperately needed to do.
It took me 25 yrs with a narc to discover that I needed healing from childhood trauma as well. I'm almost 60, doing the best I can, grieving the lost time, opportunities and love. M Singer says the past cannot hurt you now, it's a POV worth considering because the options are worse.
Well Richard, I've been watching you for quite some time now. Years actually. I think I can safely state if someone doesn't like you then THEY have a real problem and the problem is NOT you. I think of you as like an older brother and you are looking out for us as any good brother would. Thanks for what you do and please keep up the good work. You're doing society a great service.
I didn't even know about childhood trauma until the reverse discard. He was never vulnerable, never spoke about his childhood in 25 yrs. I knew that things done to me in childhood got me into this place, but I couldn't talk to him about him. There was nobody there to talk to. The entire focus was on him for first decade of the relationship. I did think he was borderline, read about walking on eggshells but nowhere in the book did I get this information, that I was equally traumatized and needed therapy. The next decade was cursed for me, I went into deep depression, I stopped catering to his needs, he started cheating emotionally ( maybe even physically ). I live in a small community, he was a powerful man, very well known. I was advised by my family not to go to therapy as it would affect his image ( counsellors talk about patients over social drinks ), his family ghosted me despite knowing about his psychiatric problems as teenager. Nobody cared about me, left me to care for my aged parents and children. Alone. Even friends didn't care enough as I withdrew socially and emotionally. Im just lucky to be alive now to heal and grow emotionally
I feel like I’m reading my diary. It’s quite eerie, but maybe I was meant to read this. You are not alone. You deserve to create a life for yourself. It’s never too late. I have lost the power of youth, beauty and income potential that I had 25 years ago, but I have peace knowing I gave it all I had. Took nothing for granted. This journey is not for the faint of heart especially at our age. But, I think we’re going to make it. We still deserve to have our own life - in peace, out of chaos, out of hanging on to his every word, out of being fully dependent upon someone. The key is finding where the freedom is and making a run for it. Run like your life depends on it. You got this.
When I realised I needed to detatch totally the childs wrath it was like needing critical care. The childhood trauma came when I turned to them for help. It was the first time in my life at 50 that I asked for help. That itself revealed the people in my so called familys. Thats where im treading water now. It absolutely mind blowing and the ignorance is bliss for them.
I get it now.. My childhood upbringing made me develop wrong attachment style and ideas about love. As the love I grew up with was so shallow. I tolerated narc abuse.. Am free now.
I’m going out after 6 years. Now she’s so freaking understanding that I have those moments of doubt. It is a freaking game guys!! I wish you all, codependent and those who think they are normal, freedom and new goal in life :)
They are still in your life they'll follow you to wherever and we'll do an investigation you gotta really surgically remove them you will be diagnosed with something
You will always be "other", part of the external object, called the world. The narc is the only living being, everything else is the external object. Fill the space you make for the narc, with YOURSELF. Don't be afraid to be alone. Many of these relationships, if we are honest, are because we cannot handle being lonely and unattached. Build. Your. Life.
Leaving them is the moment your life is truly in danger. You have to plan and you have to escape. It is horrendous if you have kids together Hell on earth The only silver lining is the day when your older kids come to you and say ‘mom, we know what they did to you and it was him, not you.’ And you also see how psychopathic the system is. Criminals are rewarded. Good people are trivialized. It’s all about $$$$$$
Thank you so much for all your advice. I am 1 week no contact His car was in a neighbors' driveway. Right across the street. Chronic liar and cheater. He's proud of it too. I rescued a kitten and it helps me so much. I focus on the fur baby everyday now!!!
@920 😮 Same with the male I fled from I was in a new and very small town. The narc COMPLAINED "why are all these men checking you out?"... I gave a response of 'its a small town and I've lived in many. Men AND women look when unfamiliar faces are in their community. Heck people used to even look at my kids when they were young and living with me. Don't worry about it. It's normal small town mentality and behaviour. Just be kind and smile and nod and they'll smile nod and even gesture a form of a wave hello or see ya and all will be well" For the next 2-3 days I got the silent treatment and on the 4th day, severely copped his rage quit fit, brutally bashed and beaten from head to toe, not one part of my body was left unharmed 😢😢 GTFO out of that situationship you are in STAT coz it ain't no loving relationship at all at all... You are stuck in a relationshit loop
My heart goes out for you! I pray you heal well. It'll take time so don't be anywhere near the narc. It will happen again & again if you stay with or go back to. I know It'll prob be the hardest thing you've had to do. But obviously you've got the warrior strength to survive & thrive! You do Not deserve to be a verbal, emotional or physical punching bag! You take care of you. No contact is the absolute best move to make & get help to deal with the past, present & future. You can't fix him or his family or his friends! He is his own problem, not yours! Positive prayers & thoughts for you.
Ah yes… my ex had said of himself that he is not human. With a straight face. Always talked of people as stupid, looked down on everyone and had greatly overestimated his intelligence not to mention the obvious disconnect from reality. And yet this man has managed to climb to very high levels at US military… scary. I think Richard is correct in saying that their “mind map” of the world, their perception is completely different to a neurotypical. They don’t experience people (or themselves) the way most people do.
You can sing it to them…if I could sing I probably would have tried 😂 overcoming my own limited self, my limited consciousness, and trusting that, on the other side of the pain, was something infinitely more amazing and bigger than whatever I perceived I might maybe possibly never actually find in that painful abusive relationship someday gave me the courage to stop holding on. Many of us don’t believe we are worthy of something amazing and of evolving our consciousness and outgrowing our small child like selves. I scream as loud as I can and let that sickness go back into the universe to be transformed into love and wholeness.
Hello Richard, gosh that was powerful, the advice to yourself format. The sobbing person / partner saying ‘I just saw you as a person’ is truly unbelievable for someone who hasn’t had the misfortune of experiencing this. Thanks for always sharing your hard earned wisdom. Don’t know what other folks think about the advice to self format but it does tend to induce real focus for the listener 🙏🏻
48:00 is a "collision" of your both traumas. she saw you as a person, saw in you the person you can still be (maybe triggered by the portrayal of the super-hero in that movie), you still have the chance, the potential to be(come). You have that, because you were brought close to but have not crossed the line into the full blown personality disorder (the total break from one with themself). Unlike her. That's why the hysterical crying. She saw in you what she can never become. A person. Or at the very least the chance, the hope of becoming one. You, on the other side, realized that you are "not seen", by her, someone you loved and believed loved you. The trauma of not being seen as a child.
When people perceive you as having a certain level of success, attractiveness etc., the stalkers and harrassers all reveal themselves, and the knives are already out with the narcs pointing them. Even if you are not a public person, being trapped in a workplace all day with people doing this in person is pretty bad, then going home to the partner's ex latest cryptic message in my letterbox. Then the phone rings - it's my rabid borderline sister being incited by my jealous sociopathic mother. This happens when you 'don't respond' and 'don't engage' when it's an in person situation. Advice to my past self is that ALL people need to be vetted very heavily very quickly and quite harshly right at the gate before they can get even 2 seconds with you, and take legitimate action immediately with stalkers and harrassers.
This sounds so familiar and believe this caused the CPTSD. It's not just once person or instance, it was multiple situations until I broke down completely.
@@Jess-kn8vl It's basically harassment from people with toxic envy and resentment, and multiple situations because there are usually 1 or more in every crowd or scenario. They often 'profile' by projecting negative stereotypical assumptions that can be used as a false basis for anything like false accusations, inciting other people, and it can actually get dangerous - all this just because of appearance or being perceived to be 'better off' somehow so they are seen as a legitimate target. IDK the answer except being highly selective and the tiniest sign of scorn from anyone is enough to shun them completely. Almost all criticizim won't be valid it will be a deliberately attempt to tear you down because they are just hateful.
I am an only child and I believe that is what set the stage for my introverted ways. I have never felt more “alone” than I have in the company of certain people. Over the years, I have learned to own being an introvert. It seems so silly to me now how I fretted over this. I’ve never trusted anyone enough to just call them for “emotional support” although I am a sympathetic ear to others. I don’t resent this, I just think it’s highly overrated. If I need support, that’s what my therapist and God is for. Which is a good thing because when it hit the fan in my own life, I turned around and was completely alone. I mean, dust and tumble weeds rolled around me. If you ever need privacy, just fake a crisis. I am grateful now that I learned to not lean on others or even depend on them for company. Maybe introversion not a bad thing after all. It is a super power.
@@Sub_901 "If you ever need privacy, fake a crisis" OMG this is so true! You will see who is in your corner and save yourself time if a crisis should ever occur. I had a crisis in 2018 and the lack of care and concern compounded things even more.
I'm glad you touched on the issue of stalking. I was stalked by a narcissistic psychopath for 2 years & obviously never entered that shared fantasy as it was someone I'd rejected online - truly terrifying stuff & yes I was made to look bonkers.
I have had glimpses for so many years… I’ve even looked at him thru binoculars trying to figure him out… I really don’t think he EVER saw me as a person and I FELT that. I’m damaged from my fucked up parents & family members. I just WANTED it so bad. I’ve always wanted it so much and I realize now… I can never have it.
Hey Richard , this has been one of the most informative and identifiable videos from a personal perspective, thank you 💛 I’m 11 months in on therapy / 11 months separation after 23 years marriage and just only now getting legal advice due to joint business and marriage rights , due to him stalling and cohesive behaviour still , he is frightening me into not being able to be independent 🤦🏻♀️ listen to this man folks , I’ve been doing his work shops along with therapy , education is key - invest in your knowledge and get healed and get strong , it’s the longest journey of my life - thank you , so glad I found you 🙋🏻♀️
I can’t sleep as I’m still reflecting particularly on your story of watching the super hero movie with the girl who kept looking at you and then started sobbing and shaking and afterwards out in the parking lot expressed to you that she saw you as a human being. Is it possible that she was projecting and that, viewing super heroes on screen and you in the seat beside her, she had a kind of an epiphany that she isn’t a super ego but a flawed, vulnerable, needy human being like everyone else, and it was utterly overwhelming emotionally for her not to mention how it affected you to realize you had chosen to be with a person so devoid of true feelings.
Leaving a narcissist is the hardest thing to do, walk !! It is mind over matter, and heart. Fine line between knowing your worth and entitlement, between standing up for oneself and bulling another. As for therapists who are unqualified in this area , yes , there are people who think they are above this sh.. !, because they haven't lived it , it is what it is. Narcissists will feed off people who are empathic, it builds them. I did not fully realize that I was an empath until my last relationship, because I had been made to believe that I was selfish, because I have not had children or been married, and somewhere in me , I believed it, and I ended up inside other peoples egotisical drama. While I was believing in and fighting for my ex and HIS kids , he was doing what ? ! , that's for me to know. Truth rises. To all of you/us who have been used, scapegoated and mind fu.... ! Hold on and keep cool, believe in yourself and your truth. The guy who liked cycling and walking, who is now doing dr..s, who are they ? Keep well Richard / all.
Huge Hugs, Strength and Resilience to your sister Anna, Richard... Lean on each other and Support each other through it ALL, no matter what... I have my big sister close to me (in the same neighbourhood, actually, Thank God!), @nd it's Priceless... ❤❤❤... Please Do give a sign when you get the chance to come back to Romania, at some point... God Bless!
I said goodbye to the Narc after 23 years of marriage. I've never been happier. I am going to therapy... still going through divorce proceedings. It's knowing he can never mess me up again. Anyone still living in this fake relationship, please listen to this man. They don't change. Don't waste your life. I thank God for waking me up 😊.
Many people love you and are helped by you. You are transparent and i dont care if you are vaping. My nephew does that, smells like snickerbar. You say the clever thing so i dont want to miss your RU-vid video!
Love you Richard! You’re so calming and direct. You always throw in a bit of humor. I’ve grown so much and I haven’t listened to these conversations for sometime now. I feel stronger than ever and you were apart of that journey !
“We will never know world peace, until three people can simultaneously look each other straight in the eye.” -Maynard James Keenan, Puscifer band (song:Simultaneous (live))
I adore how real you are and I'm finding your work helpful in trying to digest this intense information I'm looking into the NPD, I was also raised by them. And your humor helps me too because you crack me up!
Thank you for the insights. Sounds exactly like what men narcissists do, too! I love what you said - helping doesn’t help! The first step is taking care of our own growth.
Thanks for this, for some reason more pennies dropped on first listening last night and again this morning. I have watched a lot of your content on here, as well as Sam Vaknin's and it is a hard conclusion to come to the realisation that the person you have been intimate with is arguably insane and fundamentally that there is no hope. Thankfully I have no saviour complex, but had some hope he wanted to help himself, I know though, given that he's an addict, that hope is the thing that kills your soul. I am glad he's not in my life any more, but I mourn him - the potential that I believed in, even if only marginally (I realised quickly he was chaos, so wasn't completely sold on his marketing), we had some good times, but walking on egg-shells is exhausting and I won't sacrifice myself for anyone. Such a waste of life, from a human perspective it is tragic and incredibly sad.
Holy sh! Mine did that too, cried hysterically and said that, exactly,! I saw you as a human being for a minute ! Most surreal experience after 10 years at the time! Wow wow wow.... Just wow... Glad I heard that.. thanks
So freaking good Richard. I’m going to save this one. This is EXACTLY what I needed in this very moment. Whenever I get a bright idea of contacting him again, I watch this one. ☝️ And read back the awful things that were said and done. It’s like having functional amnesia 😅🤣🤣. Each day is getting better though. 🙏 Thank You.
Thank you for sharing that memory. It was good to see you experience/assign the “appropriate emotional response” to that event, for which there aren’t even adequate words to describe. Indeed, we are only seeing the tip of the iceberg. You sharing that really helped me get that. Even if you had clockwork oranged the sitch, it would have been a glitch in the matrix, and there you would be. 17:47 hallelujah. Sometimes there is an external reality of risk of violence, but taking responsibility for self means accepting that risk. Putting on big girl pants now. Let’s go.
😂your catch the pigeon laughing is so funny and has me in stitches. Love your talks RICHARD. You are the best I ever heard on narcissists and codependents
I'm finally putting myself first after 50 yrs of looking after others (since I was 2) I've survived over 20 of trumuas since aged 1i scored 10/10of ACEs I received trumuas councelling last Yr after domestic abuse of 13 yrs and other trumuas with rasa. My councillor who said I needed long term councelling so I hope to go with them again as I owe it to myself. I know the person I want to be because I deserve to be free and to be healthy inside.
I absolutely love your videos thanks a million never see you live but not sure why anyone cares when your Videos are so captivating and knowledgeable thanks for helping me on my narc journey after leaving one and being able to spot them quicker I know the link comes from childhood abandonment of my dad and and a toxic narc step dad and a codependent mom and toxic family dynamic siblings so trying to stop finding comfort in those ppls whom-are toxic as that’s what I grew up Around
Crazy time to be alive….really wild…of course adulthood is a gift that if you don’t receive it ,you ll never be free…your destiny will be finally your character ….and as Platon revealed in the allegory of the cave let’s not be bound from our wound….Richard I love him whose soul is deeper than his wounds😊crazy time to be alive yes but there is a reason …say to your sis that workers of light are not always available 😂teasing u …filia from Athena
My parents did the same to me(philosophy and counselor). It has taken me decades to call it for what it is I was so oblivious as to how deep and embedded it is. Experiencing my elderly fathers temper tantrum right now. It is scary.
This guy changed my whole perception & allowed me to start to free myself in 2018. And good lord it’s been such a slow but gradual process. I’m in therapy now. I should have started a long time ago.
Oh my, I always thought I am a fairly functional normal adult but listening to you and reviewing my relationships I think I need therapy... we are all broken people, really.
I recognise the narcassist elements within the following, but I constantly review my behaviours and motivations against my actions. I have serious flaws and fantastic abilities. The balance evens me out. I am not above or below others. Too late, have I become aware of the cause of the extremities of my character, which I had always attributed to prolonged childhood abuse and torture. I have kept my promise to myself, that I would not inflict harm upon the vulnerable. My dark heart is only revealed to the bully and it may be some form of malignancy, as I cannot shift my focus until my justice has been administered and that they are fully aware of the action/consequence rule. I have discovered that my idiosynchratic character is not unique but like the covert, fits a pattern. It is likely that I contracted the dreaded ADHD or more accurately ADD from a door handle or similar in my youth. Like the narc, my pattern fit every single event in my life. Not a squeeze but a precision fit. My inability to switch focus has kept me from extracting my thoughts from the covert. As you said, the 'why?' Or her motivations for the rug pull and bread crumbing kept my mind from normal enjoyment of life. However, the attention deficit has rewarded me, right at the end. I have an unusually good memory and she did not. I was able to retain a vivid picture which did not match the presentation during my re-entry into her orbit. I wandered like a zombie for four years, in adulation of the most beautiful creature that ever lived, even it the long periods I had walked away. I could not have lived a happy life if I had kept this image. She would not give me the data needed to destroy the image. I obtained my data via her new presentation, hyper-sensitive to criticism, devaluating side comments. I discovered the covert template, quite by chance, trying to explore the narcassitic elements that were a lot more prominant than ever before. It's discovery worked as swiftly as an injection and her image deflated in my mind. I no longer see her as Cleopatra, she is now just somebody that I used to know. I am here, gathering more data and I know my hyper-focus will switch to something else in an instant, as the novelty wears thin. She will disapear completely with my interest. My burden is dropped and the past four years appear like a foggy dream, as I was trapped in the unkown limbo she had allocated for me..
49:27 This may help Richard. Now, keep in mind that I do not know the specific circumstances nor the “person” you speak of. But, it sounds to me that the girl had a reverse mental break which is sorta opposite from what you would normally consider a break. A person with sociopathy does not have the ability to perceive others normally and they struggle (sometimes for their entire lives) with what is known as, “others’ perspectives.” The closest they can get to their humanity, so-to-speak, is by pretending. So, when she broke down, it was because she could “see you as a person,” whereas sociopaths (and especially psychopaths) do not see others as people. So her break was actually seeing reality, when for “normal” run-of-the-mill breaks, it is fantasy that causes the break. I hope that was clear and not coming off as random gobbledegook!
the "psychotherapy horror stories",..I can't believe not just how many people are unqualified to treat trauma,.. yet advertise that they do, while simultaneously showing clearly cold, lacking humanity, behaviors...I can imagine they would be great for a narcissist that needs to be told how great they are...those people aren't doing therapy..that's not what therapy is..but they've convinced themselves they are counselors and therapists..( even a psychiatrist showed this bizarre behavior ) I paid cash(300.00) to this one person...and walked in once,..the secretary said to me" oh I see you had your health insurance switched"..I was like WTFrick?,..they were double billing me the entire time.....such horror stories, for real..I'm up for a new video with other "survivors' of bad 'counselors ,psychologists " etc.....for sure. ---I can't Not,.. comment on the vulnerability that you showed us...I felt that,..its tragic the things they do and say and how they think..it is totally different ..I get it ...It is mind boggling how normal human respect to see people as whole beings that have their own wants needs desires and personalities(authentic) ,..would make her sob...unless--it was a big manipulation tactic ...just to get inside your head...(I had 2 parents that studied me thoroughly and found ways to control me..they do what they think will work through experience,) and you are such a thoughtful and cerebral person ...(and kind) that I bet she through that out just to get a reaction...you went through it for sure..like most of us have...some experiences are mind blowing,... and continue to be when we think of them....
i just have to put on blinders. i have family members that saw him for what he was . then i talked my dad into giving him a job, he then spent 5 days a week with 2 of my family members that fell right into his plan. sister said he is my friend. I wanna say, bitch , your not his friend , he is using you to try and prove to me that nobody likes me. he now post on fb -he got a second chance at life, ect... everything he's guilty for he placed on me, why he can not except he had some pitfalls when i met him. I did everything to help him , had his back even when his back was turned on me. they cant, say yea i had some fucks up and tracy was there with me helping me, loving me. it became i caused all his pre existing problems. anyway, i have to stay accountable for myself make sure I'm not sucked in to the role he wants me to play. ask myself if my behavior is something i could tell God and him not be ashamed of me. then you have to have faith there is a better plan for you this is one of the hardest lessons i have experienced thus far . at this point i don't know that i could survive another lesson, at least not right now
i cant speak for everyone else, but yet again, your subject matter and humor was just what i needed. I'm sorry you had to go through the hurt to be able to help all of us. thank you
"...Are you responsible for the resolution of another adult human beings childhood trauma?" My 8-year-long relationship just ended 2 days ago (currently very sad about it..) and thinking about this question; the cause of our breakup I can see in her upbringing and childhood trauma. I can see it clearly. But can she say the same thing too? I have also issues, I guess, sadly... and I'm trying to see it better, but at least I'm trying. So: can she say the same thing too?