Let's Chat Ep4: Dating, Marriage, and Divorce as a Jehovah's Witness - exJW Story

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In this video we chat about dating, marriage, and divorce-- as a Jehovah's Witness.
As a Jehovah's Witness, there is basically only one reason that is acceptable to obtain a scriptural divorce -- Adultery. But what if you're in a loveless, or abusive marriage? Are you stuck? How can you navigate through determining what is right for you? And what are the consequences of separation or divorce when you're a Jehovah's Witness?
🎥 VIDEO REEL
Timestamps:
0:00 Intro
6:10 Dating
12:40 Til Death do Us Part
18:30 Counseling & JW's
21:00 Growing together or apart - change in life paths
22:00 Navigating separation
24:45 Consequences of separation or divorce as a JW
32:00 Meeting with Elders about marriage issues
34:40 Should you stay or should you go
43:45 You deserve to be happy
46:30 IF experiencing domestic abuse
48:10 Thoughts on what to do if in abusive relationship; feeling powerless or stuck
53:55 Own your story
56:00 Counselling
📚 BOOKS DISCUSSED IN THE VIDEO:
📚 LETTING GO, by Brenda Peterson: www.amazon.ca/Letting-Go-Crea...
📚 SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO, by Lundy Bancroft: www.amazon.ca/Should-Stay-Rel...
ℹ️ RESOURCES/LINKS:
CANADA:
ℹ️ Crisis Services Canada: www.crisisservicescanada.ca/e...
ℹ️ ShelterSafe.ca
ℹ️ Kids Help Phone: 1-800-668-6868
- Available to young Canadians between 5 to 29 years old who are seeking 24-hour confidential and anonymous care with professional counsellors.
UNITED STATES:
ℹ️ National Domestic Hotline: www.thehotline.org
OTHER/COUNSELLING:
ℹ️ Crisis Text Line:
US, Canada, UK, Ireland - Crisis Text Line: www.crisistextline.org
ℹ️ Online Counselling:
BetterHelp.com
TalkSpace.com
____________________________________________________________________
Why share stories and experiences?
"It's important that we share our experiences with others. Your story will heal you and your story will heal somebody else. When you tell your story, you free yourself and give other people permission to acknowledge their own story." - Iyanla Vanzant
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
💡PLEASE NOTE: If you are only here to troll, preach, share scriptures, be intolerant, disrespectful, or downright rude, your comments will be deleted.
💡This channel is meant to be a positive, open-minded, tolerant, respectful and welcoming space/community for people that are going through similar experiences from their association of the JW.Org . Especially those of you that have been disfellowshipped or shunned from your friends and family, know that you aren't alone. 🤗

Опубликовано:

24 июл 2024

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Комментарии : 109

@brendapeterson4361 3 года назад

I loved being a part of this conversation. Thank you Tammy!

@dand3329 3 года назад

I don't know how many women I chased away after leaving the org. I had no idea how to relate to dating. I'm sure I was controlling/ judgemental and wanted to move way to fast. I'm glad that I was able to find a good women who put up with me for 25 years. Rest in peace Angela 💞

@joecortez2332 3 года назад

Great video. Kudos to Brenda for having stayed in her marriage for so many years even after he told her he didn't love her. That must be so difficult 😯.

@revan9173 3 года назад

I am just starting to watch the video but I want to write this out before I forget or run out of time. I am a born-in and my soon-to-be-ex wife is also a born-in. I left her two months ago after almost 16 years of marriage and will be more than 16 by the time the divorce is finalized. JWs dating and marriage is sooooo screwed up. My wife and I barely knew each other when we married. We lived in different states and met at a district convention. I remember prior to meeting her hearing from the platform local needs parts "shepherding" us kids and teens how to properly court someone. On time the elder giving the talk read us the account of Isaac and Rebekah. They got married before they knew each other. Because she came from a family that served JH that meant it was a blessed marriage and would work. Isaac married her and then later they fell in love together so likewise for Christian youths today should not have long courtships or engagements. As long as your would-be spouse is a pioneer/ appointed brother then you will have a wonderful marriage. AFTER you get married then you can start courting and fall in love with each other. Another Sunday talk I remember the visiting speaker talked about those who may be in a bad marriage should just stick it out. Do not leave your spouse, even if the two of you should never have been married. Do not be tempted if you do meet someone who is a better match because you will lose your chance at everlasting life. It is better to suffer through this life and your marriage so you both can get through the Trib and Armaggedon and then the two of you will fall in love again in paradise. Also, there is the account of Joseph and Mary and he considered getting a certificate of divorce even though they weren't married but they were engaged. Likewise Christian couple today who are engaged should never end an engagement except in extreme circumstances. Well, when I moved to be with my fiancé after we were engaged but prior to being married I saw HUGE red flags that told me I should not marry her. However I was a full blown believer and I knew that what I saw was not reason to end the engagement. Plus, in 2006 the end was going to come in just a few months so whatever issues she and I had would be quickly fixed. I took this stuff very seriously. I was a born-in and at the time a MS. Once I woke up in 2013 I knew I had to get out. We had two young kids and I knew I had to plan very carefully to get out so that I would not get cut out of my kids' lives. I finally have gotten to that point in March '21.

@catsanmil 3 года назад

Revan, or young people get married solely because they want to have sex! Young witnesses are encouraged to get married so they won't sin. It's so sad, that's why so many JW'S end up in loveless marriages.

@LivingTruth1 3 года назад

Gah!! Your life experience explains the weird ‘bonding’ of many marriages as a JW! Glad to hear you’ve made moves in your life to move forward and not be ‘stuck’. It’s difficult, I know. Wishing you all the best. And thanks for sharing here. 🤗

@Esther-1914 3 года назад

Elders who wanted you to stay in a toxic and loveless marriage were delusional. 🥴 Elders have absolutely NO training to counsel couples. Seems to me they do more harm than good.

@stellawil 2 года назад

I can relate to this video. My ex was abusive. He said "I don't hit her, so it's not abuse " The elders ran with that statement 🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️. He made my life miserable!!! He started putting on a show at the meetings. He would put his arm around me and hold my hand. I felt sick to my stomach!! He was hateful behind closed doors. He refused to work.

@LivingTruth1 2 года назад

Thanks for sharing.

@freddyray6805 3 года назад

We have to keep in mind that there are also violent , abusive "sisters" and the stigma makes even more difficult for a male to speak up.... The undue mental stress the JW place on marriage and the "roles" is a massive cause for disfunction and unhappy marriages.

@brendapeterson4361 3 года назад

I agree. Abuse does not discriminate as to gender either.

@freddyray6805 3 года назад

@@brendapeterson4361 Thank you for your candid experience. ,🙏🏼

@brendapeterson4361 3 года назад

@@freddyray6805 ☺️

@LivingTruth1 3 года назад

Agreed, and I know men that have been in this situation of having an abusive wife/partner. The stigma is real, and society has raised boys to think that it’s a weakness to speak up. In the case of this video, we try to stick with our first hand experiences. That said, I’d be open to having a male that has gone through an abusive relationship and to shed more light on this subject, as I think that the more people share and discuss, the stigma is lessened. Thank you for sharing, Freddy Ray.

@incognitofade9574 3 года назад

Really needed to see this! I have mine a fair shot for 18 years. He never hit me but he drained my soul. He was emotionally and financially abusive and would not provide for his family. Always left me holding the bag. It finally got to the point where I was having panic attacks because of his mistreatment. I told on elder before I left and he told me he respects my decision but just know you aren't free to remarry. So I'm not free even though he has a porn addiction to where he's out in the streets actively looking for a prostitute? Or taking our rent money to go to a strip club known for prostituting??

@joecortez2332 3 года назад

If you have learned that the jws don't have "the truth" then you realize the elders have no authority whatsoever over your life. You are free to live your life any way you choose and if that's remarrying then so be it. You only have this one life to live so enjoy it the way YOU want to enjoy it.

@incognitofade9574 3 года назад

@@joecortez2332 I did just that! I divorced him and am now remarried to a wonderful man who is a true provider and protector in every sense of the word! Living my best life! To any woman watching this broadcast, GET OUT! They will NEVER take your side. They will shift the blame for his problems to you by saying you are not being submissive enough or rendering your due! Let the cards fall where they may, especially if you have children involved! Their mistreatment affects them too!

@MrMike-fm8bp 3 года назад

Here here ! Very well said !!

@LivingTruth1 3 года назад

Thanks for sharing here. 🤗

@rockpadstudios 3 года назад

I didn't finally reach a point where I could self reflect until my early 50's (for many reasons). All JW's gave me (and I came back a second time) was misery, I don't have any good memories as a JW. I agree that when the marriage is bad nothing will fix it, the best thing for both is to part ways.

@marXmon 3 года назад

I had nothing in common with my first wife... I think we were both just trying to be in love and assumed Jehovah would handle the rest. We were divorced in 3 years.

@danieltenke2180 3 года назад

You are both beautiful ladies and I'm so very sorry for your pain. I love the strength you both have shown. Good luck with the rest of your lives.

@LivingTruth1 3 года назад

Thank you 😊

@bgramirez966 3 года назад

The ratio of women in the organization is far higher than the lower ratio of men, sisters end up settling not selecting by compatibility or staying single their whole lives

@LivingTruth1 3 года назад

True

@Zembassi3962 Год назад

And the organization STILL REQUIRES these singles--despite the fact that some may be lonely, sad, or depressed--to STAY SINGLE and not look for someone else outside of WT. All for the WICKED/MINDLESS/SELFISHNESS of cult leaders who are doing all they can PRIVATELY to keep themselves happy. 🤬🤬

@Adventures2024-AD 3 года назад

Enjoyed the interview! Thank you ladies! I respect how each of you treated your ex. You gave them dignity by not putting your marriage out there. We all know how JW gossip etc. I was born in and this topic has so many variations… you could literally interview hundreds if not thousands or JW- I liked the statement one of you made- in the JW religion it’s not a matter of WHO am I going to marry but who is AVAILABLE…. 👍. Slim pickings and people hide who they are so it’s easy to think your marrying one personality and get another- dating is nonexistent - it’s more like community watch-

@LivingTruth1 3 года назад

Thanks for tuning in and for your comment! 🤗

@WendiRenay 3 года назад

Heyy ladies! Great topic. Thank you!

@catmeow333 3 года назад

Two beautiful women who’ve found reality. Thank you. I love the channel. I think we have leaving issues unique to being women. Ive realized we were practically invisible to the males in the org.

@LivingTruth1 3 года назад

Thank you x

@SamSam-ft3to 3 года назад

It's a great subject to discuss. Thank you very much.

@haan3549 2 года назад

Great conversation! Thank you ladies so much💗💗💗

@LivingTruth1 2 года назад

🤍🤗

@changesmustchange2063 3 года назад

You both were talking to right to me! I really enjoyed this video.

@LivingTruth1 3 года назад

Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it. :)

@archeanna1425 3 года назад

Thank you so much for today. As I continue to unpack the debris I am left with from the years I was a publisher, I get as far as I can go. Then I listen to you and find there is another place to look. The comment "I was carrying his shame for him" really resonated with me and has revealed another scabbed-over place. I wish someone had read Deut 22:28,29 to me when I was a teenager and asked me if I thought the god who commanded women and girls be treated that way could possibly be relied on for any kind of useful marriage advise.

@LivingTruth1 3 года назад

Hi Ann! I’m so glad to know this is helping. You are so right- there is A LOT to unpack and process after leaving. Sending hugs 🤗

@jessicanerpio-cauldwell4987 2 года назад

It happened in a JW Congregation where a Married Sister broke up a Married Couple ended up with the sister's husband they got Disfellowship later on married went through the Shunning period got reinstated ...but for the Wife and Husband who's marriage was destroyed and left them Devastated...in the congregation it was like Business as usual...🤨

@daniellefuentesjohnson6750 2 года назад

So many stories like that... the people who leave the insanity are "bad" and those that cased the harm- all is forgiven. :-(

@sparkyslag6776 2 года назад

I loved listening to this story, You both are very beautiful ladies & very intelligent. 💗💗

@LivingTruth1 2 года назад

Thank you, I’m glad you enjoyed it. 😊

@danieltenke2180 3 года назад

Interesting girl talk. I was 19 and Marilyn was 20. We actually went to the same KH. 4th generation for me and 2nd generation for Marilyn. That was in 1969. I woke up and left the organization in 81 ( I was 31 then and we had 3 children). We did love each other but did fight like hell about religion. Marilyn taught me how to compartilize our lives. We left the judging to God. We always stayed in love. We just celebrated our 52nd anniversary.

@peterbunyan3924 3 года назад

So true.

@petertherock7340 2 года назад

The Scripture does not endorse or sanction divorce. Protestants and Catholics disagree on this issue. The issue is if someone can “remarry” after a divorce occurs. The Church teaches that one must obtain an annulment before one can marry again after a divorce. If not, then the divorced person must remain single until the divorced partner dies. The Church recognizes that sometimes divorces and separations happen. If there is abuse, the abused spouse should separate. However, these are very complex issues for any family to deal with. God bless!

@NashonOsborne 3 года назад

Hey Tammy. Just stumbled on your channel! Nice to see a fellow Canadian on here. I’m in Whitecourt Alberta and I have two nieces out in BC that are being shunned. I’m still trying to get divorced from my JW wife of 17 years we have been separated since 2017. There is a lot of truth in this. There are so many incompatible relationships in the JW world just waiting on the new world to fix their problems

@LivingTruth1 3 года назад

Hello 🇨🇦👋 Thanks for sharing. 🤗

@rochelle_johnston2703 Год назад

Thank you ladies

@stellawil 2 года назад

I was also told that if my ex committed adultery, it would be my fault. He sexually assaulted me. They said it was my fault and that my body belonged to him. It was his "right" to have sex whenever he wanted . It was HORRIBLE sex!!!

@LivingTruth1 2 года назад

Thanks for sharing.

@DV-ux8eg 3 года назад

Hugs my beautiful friend Happy to see you again

@LivingTruth1 3 года назад

🤗

@rockpadstudios 3 года назад

I wish I could have meet women like you 2 in my younger days

@seangarvey3875 3 года назад

Interesting discussion. Thanks 🙏🏾

@LivingTruth1 3 года назад

Thanks for being here. :)

@KGLOVE14 3 года назад

The first year of our marriage he became a jw after having been together 4 yrs. of me supporting him as a dedicated committed help mate. Both of us had divorced. I was his 3rd he was my 2nd. He left home 7 times the first year of our marriage. Finally it all blew up and he moved out 4/26/2020. We both went to jail and sometimes it was months or weeks between times he would to me. Still he chooses when I deserve to hear from him and how. Now he wants a legal seperation. I will probably write a book.

@LivingTruth1 3 года назад

Yikes, sounds volatile and best to be apart.

@digitalmediafan 3 года назад

Fascinating. You both seems to be completely in tune with each other on the same page etc. Sad that the marriage was fake from from the start. Both have to love each other can't be just one obviously. I wonder what caused the mantel issues though... guess I'll have to read the book ! Too much hypocrisy gossip and judgement going on these days in your typical cong. It was probably always there I just hadn't realized it until a while ago...

@neomorphesus 3 года назад

The elders are not equip to handle this type of situations. Even if you try to reason with them they might agree with you or try to understand your situation. But in the end the elders will read you a bible verse just to make you feel guilty. Basically no questions ask and you’re always wrong. That’s why I no longer believe in the Bible and this cult.

@runawayslave1724 3 года назад

The elders enforce the rules of their book "Shepherding the Flock of God" which basically lays down the rule that the wife must be in submission to her husband no matter what. Forget the romantic notion that your marriage will be a "three fold chord" arrangement with Jehovah... the reality is that the elders simply enforce wifely submissission. They do not care if she is sexualy abused, financially or emotionally abused. This book is freely available on the internet.

@cicelyryan4402 17 дней назад

Thank you both for this interview. I faced these issues 20 years ago as an active JW. Brenda, did you say you wrote a book? Please share how I can get your book. I felt like you are someone I could speak with easily. I am longing to make new friends outside of the Org after leaving two years ago

@mbtofnj9180 3 года назад

a difficult subject marriages usually start of great regardless of Jw experience or not people many times change chaparones are for the protection of the couple not to sin in many cultures marriages is about having children in these cultures marriages are arranged they either learn to love each other or they hate each other finding the right one is very difficult many times we see the fualts of others when we cant see out faults and it could displease the other healing is also difficult for many some hold grudges some find it hard to fully trust again so today because of all this unwillingness of wanting to get hurt people stay single we live in a society run by the devil the UN agenda is to separate the family and they are succeeding both of you obviously carry wounds which will make it harder for the next mate u may find tough road ahead wish you both the best glad to see your channel back : )

@LivingTruth1 3 года назад

Thanks! And for your comment 🤗

@deksper 2 года назад

If Brenda is not your best friend Tammy, I'd be surprised. She is very wise, down-to-earth, and empathetic.

@k.mcguillicutty5368 3 года назад

I appreciated this video and thank you. I am PIMO and wanted to know where I can go for some contacts and chats with others that have left. Do you have a means of contact other than the social media, to which I do not belong to?

@codgameplay5936 3 года назад

Same , I am one of PIMO.

@LivingTruth1 3 года назад

Thank you for being here. I have a Twitter account, (not overly active there), but mainly on RU-vid.

@bigsr.644 3 года назад

Great job ladies love hearing the woman's perspective. I imagine my ex having similar thoughts. I gave her hell when we were together...I'd never admit that to her though 🤣🤣🤣

@LivingTruth1 3 года назад

Thanks, and for sharing 🤗

@cocogomez2278 3 года назад

What percent of JW men (over 45 yrs) do you think re-marry because of convenience or obligation rather than love? and...what percent of married JW men/women cheat in their marriage?

@Freeeeeeeee27 3 года назад

people in this organization marry out of necessity. No sex so marry really young. That's the whole issue. It's hard to say how many cheat. I've seen a few cases but overall I wouldn't say a lot.

@deksper 3 года назад

Beautiful people. Brenda is serene.

@LivingTruth1 3 года назад

That she is 💛

@alans.wendelschafer6588 2 года назад

I really enjoyed this video. I would hit like and subscribe, but I am currently PIMO. One question. Is this available in a podcast form?

@LivingTruth1 2 года назад

Hi Alan. I don't have a podcast-- maybe in the future. 🤔 There is a way to keep your subscriptions and playlists private on RU-vid: 1) Login to RU-vid from from the desktop. 2) Go to Your Channel > tap on your Profile pic (top right) > choose Settings. 3) Click on Privacy. From here you'll see the toggles for Playlists and subscriptions to keep private. Best to you.

@alans.wendelschafer6588 2 года назад

@@LivingTruth1 Thanks for the tip.

@gnoter2 2 года назад

How could such a beautiful woman have a "bonehead" not loving her!? Wow? !? Gotta buy the book! ...The (b)org is "jacked up!" There is no encouragement for couples in the event of a breakup, speaking from a male perspective... Thanks for this story! Peace! PIMO in MD

@Zembassi3962 Год назад

It's as if the "bonehead" wanted a TROPHY WIFE! It's all about APPEARANCES within WT; these people have to LOOK GOOD for the sake of ensuring that the organization (cultporation) LOOKS GOOD as well. 😕😕😫😫😖😖

@francoisdebruyn4424 3 года назад

Once you leave the organisation the rules of tbe organisation is not applicable to you. You then fall under your country law system. A good lawyer can help you with getting devorse. Both of you are beautiful ladies and deserve a good marriage life.

@rosiej.1473 3 года назад

LOL, you all mentioned Eve, Everyone should talk to a Jewish believer, it is totally different how they see Eve. Mind Blowing!

@kathleen1499 Год назад

I am surprised, having been raised in the Truth, that you think a mate who falls asleep in death will be reunited with that former mate during the resurrection. The resurrected, according to the Bible, will be like the angels (without the desire to connect, functioning as individuals who have no desire to be in a marriage arrangement). That is what Jesus said. Hearing you two ladies talk, it sounds like you should have waited until you found the right person, a person you truly loved and was in love with as well as someone who you thought could treat you right, loved you in return and respected; otherwise, don't get married because the basis for making a life-long commitment could be founded on unrealistic expectations--your own, your family's, and the congregation. You both married young and it looks like you rushed. You are correct, though, about the wisdom in first getting to know your mate for compatibility before marriage AND the fact that the availability of potential mates is very limited. You two, marriage is important, but I wouldn't have thrown the Truth and my relationship with Jehovah away just because my marriage did not work out or because I became disappointed over this or that. Remember your priorities--worshipping God and everything that is entailed in it comes first. It sounds like you both should have waited for someone else. Nothing wrong with remaining single--Jesus was and some of the anointed were. Marriage does not necessarily result or mean happiness. Better for you to have waited than to be sorry later.

@lalo2641 3 года назад

Greetings from los Angeles 🤗

@LivingTruth1 3 года назад

Hello there!

@lalo2641 3 года назад

@@LivingTruth1yes

@lalo2641 3 года назад

@@LivingTruth1 how can I help you ,do you have a question or not anymore😂

@muzikman74 3 года назад

When my wife and I were JWs…we dated for 3years and never had a chaperone. My elders and her elders gave us a hard time…I eventually told all of them to back off and mind their business

@digitalmediafan 3 года назад

Did you behave yourself though?!

@LivingTruth1 3 года назад

😆

@muzikman74 3 года назад

@@digitalmediafan That’s a Big NO! Just like every other JW dating couple. There is NO WAY IN HELL a couple who are JWs can be virgins on their wedding night. I will say we did not get married in the Kingdom Hall but had over 250 family & friends.

@marXmon 3 года назад

Waiting for your spouse to be resurrected is a really sad concept.

@LivingTruth1 3 года назад

Agreed :(

@jessicacorrea7221 3 года назад

Like for reals🤦‍♀️. Instead of saying my kids healing my illnesses or something. There is so much codependency in this cult its not even funny. What can you expect from narcassist members running a cult corporation, i could not expect any less🤢🤮. Yuck, i will never want to associate with narcassist cult creeps that prey on kids, and dont get punished for their disgusting sexual abuse allegations on kids🤢🤮. I am so glad i never got ranked in too their bullshit cult corporation

@hustonmices3976 3 года назад

I guess I was the exception of being a nice brother. Still did the pioneer and servant thing though. Just to much of a free thinker and always questioning the .org

@LivingTruth1 3 года назад

I knew a lot of nice brothers… glad you were one of them. :)

@hustonmices3976 3 года назад

@@LivingTruth1 I had a sister tell me once. I’m afraid you’ll lead me out of the truth.. lol no lie.. I didn’t know I was a sleeper apostate 😂😂😂

@LivingTruth1 3 года назад

Haha you must be scary 😂

@glee8133 2 года назад

Despise this cult

@malakaihernandez2235 2 года назад

Wait are you Jehovah's witnesses?

@alans.wendelschafer6588 2 года назад

If you read the "about" section of the channel, it says she is a former JW.

@googleshitsyt5557 3 года назад

Hi Wendi Hi Brenda ... Ever heard of battered women? Of course you will say! ... And a battered husband? Met one? ... But this is even more: Battered Child in a incestuous relationship...1 Corinthians 5:1,2