Being open to discussion about an issue is one of the harder or scarier steps in trying to learn, that being said exposure to constructive feedback and positive reinforcement might give you a lil boost.
It's so important to note that not every perfectionist actually have a life that's seemingly perfect or try to maintain a perfect lifestyle. I know Im a perfectionist, but its really embarrassing for me to talk about it with someone because myself and my life is nowhere near put together. So people would immediately go '...you are?'. Perfectionism is more of a mind thing.. And it's really painful and depressing when your mind is wired to always expect the best and do the best, yet you cannot keep up with that at all in your real life. You end up burning out and become destructive in the long run.
Amen. My house is chaos after kids and it kills me. It's definitely a mind thing. Does anyone else also expect it of others at work? I get so upset if people don't do what they said they would and I have to chase them constantly. I need to let go, maybe go and play some video games...love how my brain has also brought me to this conclusion 😅
Yuuuup. I feel this a LOT. Being not good enough to get a job in the field I went to college for almost validates my perfectionism because my internal dialogue is like ‘See?! You can’t get hired in that industry so that’s PROOF I’m right about you not being good enough which means every thing you produce HAS to be perfect so it gets you your dream job’
My first real thought about it last year was "I can't be a perfectionist, I don't try hard enough to be one." THAT'S LITERALLY A DEFINITION. On one hand, your place might only look messy to you. Even if it IS, though... There's so much exhausting gymnastics going on upstairs. "I can never get it clean enough, I don't have anywhere to put these things," etc. Think about all the pretzels your brain puts itself in without you outwardly doing a thing. I'm frequently feeling the need to tell people that I look like I'm quiet and lazy on the outside, but my brain is just running around screaming about EVERYTHING.
If you're an artist struggling with this, an exercise I would suggest is this: 1. Make "bad" things on purpose 2. Be extremely nice to yourself anyways. (This part, really, should be all the time, but it takes a while to learn to)
So, Dr K, I just tried your advice of, "just sit with it for five minutes." I have two takeaways: First, wow, that does work. When I'm not doing/watching/playing/listening to anything, my brain *wants* to be productive. I literally couldn't look anywhere without my brain wanting to fix/move/adjust/clean something that was there. Second, I think that's actually a big part of why I crave distraction. I struggle with breaking things down into actionable tasks (ADHD is a contributing factor there), and I'm realizing that the amount of work seems overwhelming. When everything you look at requires attention/work but you never learned how to prioritize, the work literally seems infinite. Anyway, I really needed this video. The whole thing was insightful, and I took away a valuable tool. Thank you.
Yes, yes, yes! I have the same feeling as your second takeaway. I keep thinking of more things I need to do to complete the overall task, which makes it seem so impossible to ever complete. Especially when I've been procrastinating for a while, and I have less and less time for the already impossible amount of tasks I need to do to complete my work. I've learnt so far that it's all about starting. Even when you don't feel like you'll be able to finish it all. Once you get started the ball starts rolling. Even when I haven't perfectly laid out everything I need to do to complete the work. Just start on something that needs to be done, and start working. Along the way, you can adjust, rethink, plan ahead...
@@maximr1113 my suggestion is to spend five minutes with your thoughts, then spend five minutes with them again, but this time with pen and paper so you can write those thoughts down. If you can then figure out an organizational system for those notes, you're well on your way. I can't organize a two car parade, so I just end up with more notes than I know what to do with.
I've been this person and I've met so many people who are like this. What they have to realize is that perfection literally doesn't exist and if you don't try and fail then you'll never succeed. There's literally a concept called rapid prototyping that applies to creative outlets. It means that you have to just keep making a bunch of rough drafts and experimenting with things until you start to get a better understanding and can put out a product that you are proud of. I think the social media and internet generation makes everything look so easy so that people think that when they don't get something first try that they're a failure. I've tried to teach people parkour and I've seen some quit because they weren't as good as me (I had several years training at the time)
I used to get advice like this often when I was most perfectionist-y and I just straight up ignored it. I rationalized it away as being just wrong and a cope. Boy was I wrong.
@@WASDLeftClick I did similar. It wasn't until I rationalized that I have tried everything that I thought would work that I then started to try things I thought wouldn't work and wouldn't you know hahaha
Also, the idea of perfection itself is actually very limiting. If you get something perfect, then it can't be improved upon. So what are you going to do now - just stop and admire your work for the rest of your life? Or are you going to do better and improve on it? If you think you can do better, then apparently it wasn't perfect. So if you are aiming for perfection then you are setting yourself up to basically not have a job (if it's your job) or in some sense, to quit (because once you have it perfect you can stop/quit). I think a more productive mindset is aiming for mastery rather than than perfection. Mastery also implies being able to effectively deal with things that go wrong, aka imperfections
This concept is actually used in software development, which is agile approach, scrum methodology etc. Its about doing a first prototype (minimum viable product, MVP) and then improve it in increments. Rather than doing all at once a product which in the end is not what they (client) needed. And they use “fail fast” concept, which is better fail fast and then test another way (hypothesis testing), pivot the idea. I am not in IT, and understand that this agile approach is helpful in life, but it’s hard to implement it. So Dr K’s video helps a lot
I really like how Healthy Gamer is reiterating past concepts. There have been other videos on perfectionism in the past, but to hearing the advice worded differently helps me connect different concepts together. Much of the advice on this platform seems to overlap. For example, practicing urge surfing from the follow through video could help someone understand this video (there is a great urge surfing meditation on Dr.K's guide by the way). Best of luck to everyone! 🙂
My problem isn't perfectionism per-se, but whenever I'm working on something important I keep getting into negative thought loops thinking that I'm not trying hard enough, making too many mistakes, not making progress quickly enough, and these thoughts actually make it impossible for me to focus on my work so it's a self-fulfilling cycle
I think my perfectionism came from school since my parents were the type that were super encouraging whether I failed or succeeded. But in school I always got praise for my work and smarts and when it started to happen less as I got older, it felt like I was doing something wrong. At home it felt like, they’re my parents so of course if I fail they will still celebrate that I tried, but outside the home I have to be exceptional or I’m a failure.
I’ve always thought I wasn’t a perfectionist because I don’t need 100%, I just need an A. And I realized recently, the reason I procrastinate is because I NEED an A, and if I try my best and don’t get an A, my self worth will be destroyed. So I procrastinate until there’s just enough time to finish…and then a little more, so that there’s not enough time to finish. Then I panic start. Sometimes it’ll work! I’ll get an A after studying for 3 hours. I’ll feel GREAT about myself. I must be BETTER than EVERYONE if I can do this in 3 hours! But most of the time it doesn’t work. Most of the time I get a B, or a C, or I ruin my efforts all year because of an incomplete assignment. Then I tell myself, it’s not because I’m not a good student, it’s because I didn’t have enough time. Which almost seems like a good alternative. Except then, I look back at my results and say, if I get a C every time, how can I say I’m an A student? I think to myself, work ethic is part of worth too, and I FAILED at that. Just a while ago I tried doing something early, and I was so overcome by panic after finishing the initial draft. I worried it wouldn’t be enough and that I’d blame myself for handing it in early and still getting a C. So I redid it FIVE times. By then I was on my last 5 minutes. But it’s too detrimental to my self worth for me to have no excuse for a bad grade. I have to either keep trying, or generate an excuse
Holy shit man, currently dealing with the exact same situation here. I have a paper to write and I tried to start on it somewhat early twice and spent both times rewriting the title and abstract over and over to get a topic that would be "perfect". The feeling of knowing you have plenty of time and skill to make it "perfect" but you can't figure out how to make it "perfect" it actually just causes me to spazz out. The only way I actually got myself to work on it and settle on a topic was looking at my grades and discovering that I can pass the class without the paper. Now I don't care about how it turns out because It actually doesn't matter what grade I get on it. A reframing of sorts, making the most important thing passing rather than the grade itself, something I have learned on this channel that has been very helpful. Thank you for making your comment, I came to that same revelation about 3 weeks ago but I was slowly starting to not believe it about myself again but this has reinforced that it is a real issue that can be dealt with. I wish you the best with yours and I love your username.
Which is so funny if you think about it. Our education system pushes kids into desiring outcome over process or learned material. It's not about learning material so that you can accomplish something with it, it's about a completely arbitrary grade. This education system is failing our kids, there has to be a better way right?
I’m in real danger of failing uni due to this. I did a year abroad in 19/20, but really struggled with online learning once covid hit and I had to return early. My home uni originally told me I could stop the online learning and that the year abroad would still be credited on my degree, and according to that information I made the decision to stop. However, in October I received an email telling me to change my course from the 4 year to the 3 year degree, essentially implying that I had failed the year abroad and had to revert to the original course length. On reflection I didn’t cope with this at all, and it’s related to this need to be perfect. In my head it felt like I’d wasted a year for nothing, and I soon stopped functioning properly, spending most of my time in bed. I had to take a year out from uni because I wasn’t able to study, and felt simply hopeless. It’s been over two years since then and I still haven’t graduated, and am now struggling more than ever (I have also since been diagnosed with adhd and ocd, lol). Of course, the feeling of failure has only exacerbated the procrastination, which has become a vicious cycle. I’m so close to finishing my final year but have been stuck in this mental loop for a long time now - the uni have given me a lot of extra time, so I really can’t complain. I’ve just felt stuck and unable to move for the past year though, and the longer it goes on the more I tell myself I don’t deserve success anyway, so I don’t even try. Sorry for the super long comment, this video just hit home for me haha
I've had similar struggles and it's been hard. I'm just now starting to come out the other side I think. I spend time regretting the lost time, but I also can see what lead to me taking so much time off. I don't know that I could have done it differently.
Same here, final year of uni and putting all my efforts into academics and forsaking the other aspects of my life. I've gotten a lot of extra time too and there's often that annoying feeling of wanting to start essays somewhat early (then again two of mine are from last semester and the original deadlines for my current semester essays are in two weeks. Oh and the dissertation...so I guess it's not "early"), and telling yourself that you have enough time to achieve "perfection", but struggling all that time with how to go about this. I'm with you on this, as others are in the comments. We'll get through!!
After high school, i did an apprenticeship (1 year) in a field i dont care for which i completed (good, right?). Well. Then i chilled for 1 year. Then i started uni. First semester was fine. After the 4th i quit. Chilled for another year. So now i am 24, have almost 0 qualifications and starting uni again this year (i hope i can complete it this time..). Dont beat yourself up too much. I dont want to encourage failure, but sometimes failing is okay.
@@leonpaul6198 yeah, I know rationally that it isn’t the end of the world to fail, but it honestly feels that way at this point. I’m also 24 now and it just feels to me as though I’ll have wasted the past 6 years if I don’t come out with the degree now. The idea of wasting a quarter of my life so far really hurts
"It's okay to fail." I can't thank you enough for these words. I was a gifted kid whose family and teachers praised early on as a "genius", but in actuality I was just highly curious which led me to reading encyclopedias and dictionaries (90s pre-internet times). Because I started believing that label, I didn't learn to study and would procrastinate to the last minute, which caused my work and grades to suffer. Then that made my parents punish me because they "knew I could do better." And so began my perfectionist origin story. I know that it's okay to fail and disappoint others sometimes. Attempting to avoid the inevitable is the root of suffering. Paradigm shifting as always Dr. K 🙏🏾
shoutout to op for writing the post. i've never been able to describe this shitty cycle in the right words. favoriting this video to keep coming back to it, thanks dr. k. 💓
I have the same manifestation as the reddit OP + I always tend to change my mind because I try to keep myself open-minded and the moment I see the flaw in my choice I start slipping until I fall apart and start over something new that seems better as an option... Until that falls apart too, and the cycle continues. It stops me from learning programming languages deeper and starting my own side projects. It also stops me from having fun playing video games in my own free time because of FOMO and optimizations that, when not met, discourage me from continuing completely.
I have the same problem with writing, I know enough to know that no matter what sequence of events my story has it can still be well-written, which makes it impossible to decide on ONE sequence of events to write
I think that Perfectionism of a child is due to the rejection from the parent based on the child's lack of ability. But that rejection is actually wrong, and every human should be accepted based on who they are, not what they are capable of. Because that's the essential value of a human being.
I don't know about that, part of the value of people is what they can do. But children can definitely be raised with realistic and encouraging expectations around achievement and being able to do things. The way parents approach children learning to walk is much more encouraging of success than how some parents approach teaching their kids to do maths, or doing the dishes, or writing, for example. The way parents teach, or facilitate, children to learn to walk is basically the formula for how to encourage progress, but for some reason many parents decide to stop taking that approach
@@thecurrentmoment I think that is because "what you can do" is like a commercial value of a person, it defines your social status or position in a company, but you are not your identity, you are you, and "who you are" can define you and show the value that already within you as a human.
I wasn't rejected due to lack of ability, but I was praised a lot for ability or natural talents requiring little work on my part. I came to associate my self-worth with things that were "intrinsic" to me, but once I got older and the tasks started requiring actual work or effort, then I couldn't maintain the same level of performance with the same methods, so I would just give up from fear of failing instead of actually trying harder. This has spiralled into essentially giving up on anything with a lot of adversity that I associate with my inherent value, and it has made it very difficult to learn new things or improve in any way. I have been avoiding the uncomfortable truth that there will need to be a difficult, painful mental shift if I am to move forward with my life, and just embrace failure. This is a very hard thing to do if you've spent your whole life being terrified of failing or "trying and failing". Intellectually it makes sense, but on an emotional level it is extremely difficult to break these thought patterns or brain wiring.
Or trying to uphold an ideal. For example the student thats gotten all A's since first grade and needs help in college, but can't admit it to themselves or their family.
So on-point for me. Been stuck in this toxic perfectionism loop for my whole life & this is the most seen I’ve felt for my issue. I’ve moved past some of it & it feels great, but I feel like this gave me a clearer path to overcome this. ✅ self-value tied to productivity & output ✅ nothing I ever make is “good enough” for my own standards, no matter how much praise it receives ✅ can’t start any task until I have a full plan. Feel the need to create a bullet-proof framework in my mind before I execute the smallest details. ✅ if I have 7 days for a project, i anguish over possibilities & downfalls for 6 days ✅ unpredictable whether I’m productive or procrastinating, all fueled by negative emotions, giving the ping-pong effect ✅ exhausted at the end of every project, I expel so much extra mental energy and empty my tank ✅ constant ruminating on each decision, no matter how insignificant it feels life-or-death ✅ fear of finishing something & getting confirmation that it wasn’t good enough. Internalize this as I am not good enough.
I remember the day when I said to myself.... I guess it's my job to make people happy. I was ten. I was punished for making mistakes or for the inability to do a task. This started when I was two. I got hit and yelled at. The less I'm able to function the worse I feel about myself. I can't function like I used to and so I procrastinate.
It sounds like the feelings of needing to make people happy helped you survive childhood. It's good that you acknowledge why it was needed so you can learn to live without it when it is unhelpful.
@@SemekiIzuio what I was told by my mom and older brother. I didn't say I remembered. However my memories do go back to a least age three or four. They are quite vague and only have a few. I do have big chunks of memory missing.
Another thing: Why you have high standards? Not because you naturally have high standards in your life, but because since you feel you dont fit in with the community (e.g family, friends...) you wrongly (mainly due to Internet and social media) come to realize is that the only way to be accepted is to be best. Then is when you upgrade your standards, and let me tell you, this is a toxic behaviour. You see, being perfectionist is not bad, assuming it comes naturally out of you, and not because you do it to force yourself to fit in. People, we need more love and less Internet and social media.
Just because something is "natural out of you" doesn't make it good. In fact a lot of the stuff that people say are "natural" are just things learned in childhood and you just don't remember. Perfectionism, by definition, is bad. If you like making things good, you're not a "perfectionist" per se, you're just attentive to detail or are a good worker. I would say high standards are a very good thing, perfectionism is horrible.
Perfectionism is ROUGH because it may not stop after committing to start something. This is where i struggle with my new business I started; even after having success and accomplishing personal achievements, I make my productivity stagnate because I just HAVE to do things perfectly. I've been learning to do 80% if the work that matters and refining as I go. I'm also going to implement the sitting and tolerance excercise Dr. K explained. Lastly, as a pull up addict, I love that Dr.k explained eccentric training aka building your strength by only lowering yourself from the top of the bar.
THIS is almost exactly what I taught myself after failing out of uni on first attempt going for something I thought I wanted but wasn't passionate about and then procrastinating and party too much 1st 2 years. I thought my professional life was over and that I would never get back in and that I had blown my only chance. Turns out universities and colleges like money and if you give them that again they will let u back. I also took a year off and worked, learned some life lessons and went to a new school in a field I liked a whole lot more and did pretty well, not perfect but good enough to start a career that I still love 30+ years later. I still struggle with procrastination and a bit of perfectionism but I have tools to overcome it. I have another tool not mentioned in this video: when the work gets boring or my attention starts to wander or I can't think of a perfect plan, I switch gears to a small, maybe low priority but interesting part and work on that until I get excited again or at least, use the momentum to switch back to the main task.
"Whether we are good children, or bad children, depends" When I was young, like elementary school young, my father always made it a point to congratulate me for my good grades, often while reminding me that my older brother got average grades, and thus wouldn't amount to anything in life. I excelled in school, and took it as a minor point in pride that I consistently got good grades, while my older brother got yelled at. Year later in junior high I had difficulty understanding a math problem, and while I laughed and cried from frustration my father screamed at me for being an idiot. When high school brought more complications my father's attention and praise shifted from me to my much younger brother. He would tell me all the time that my problem was that I "had no drive" and that I "needed to have passion". Unsurprisingly we don't really talk all that much, and the few times we do I'm nastier with him than I'd like.
For those who are in a hurry: When you feel the procrastination coming, sit with the procrastination, feel the frustration, and sit for 5 minutes, meditate, not letting the emotion control you, don't react to the emotions. p/s: but really yall should listen to the full vid though, he has good examples to illustrate his points
Oh the last minute panic & deadlines gets me and my perfectionism every time. I'm in college and I constantly procrastinate on the studying aspect. I love the classes, but just never ret myself to study, unless it's like a week or so before midterm exams, final exams, or an assignment/report is due. Thats when I just grind for 24/7. Then I feel burnt out by the time the deadline hits ir after an exam. Sometimes I can cram everything abd sometimes I don't study everything for the exam, and thats what causes me to fail. I've failed already some of my college classes, despite how much I want a good grade. Almost like constantly playing "catch up" with grades to make up for the bad grades in my classes.
My perfectionism comes from the fact that I’m deathly afraid of wasting time. I feel like I have so much work to do and if I just start without the perfect plan I will just end up later redoing everything I’m working on right now and that thought destroys me. If I see something I want to add and it can’t be done with the current structure I have in place, I would likely be more willing to gut it and start over then to accept that it will not be perfect. The worst part is, theoretically, I could just go through a never ending cycle of restarting by doing this. Then I think of all the things I could be doing other than potentially spinning my wheels forever.
Everything I do has taught me to do things like this: ready, fire, aim. If you ready, aim, fire, what really happens is: ready, aim, aim... aim... aim... and you never fire. You don't just have one bullet. Fire as many times as you need to.
I watched this a few days ago, and its helped me turn around on some perfectionism. The "just sit with the feeling" thing helped so much. I completed some job tasks at merely Pretty Good, I wrote an email to a stranger, and I only spent 90 minutes to prep a presentation instead of twice that. Thank you!
The tip with 5 min. of procrastination with the timer reminded me of Paradoxical interventions. It can be very helpful for anyone struggling with obsessions. In particular case it’s recurring fear of failure. 8 years ago Paradox therapy literally saved my life and recovered me from a very bad state. I had to set timers and to write things down, later at some point my brain clicked back from this overthinking mode to calm state. Anytime I get near advices like “just do it, stop thinking about it, don’t you want to be this or that ” I right away get anxious and want to do the opposite or freezing in fear. Because that’s how I’m wired. So yeah. This paradoxical tool is a saver.
@@АнастасияРадкевич-о3у uh you said paradoxal and anxiety, my comment was on how they are interwine together to create issues. So i found it interesting how it categorizes similarly.
Thank you for this video 😭😭 I’ve struggled to understand why I feel so miserable and always so disappointed in myself…the Reddit post was like my own feelings and I’m so happy I’m not the only one who’s had this struggle….thank you for your content and kind advice!!
Oh hey this lines up pretty much exactly with some conclusions I came to about myself from other YT therapists and talking to a friend. Thanks for reinforcing this, giving tips, and providing further clarification.
I have never felt so singled out in my life. I subscribed to this channel a while ago but never got around to actually watching the vids. Each time I saw a new video in the feed, the titles became more and more relatable, but this one is is pretty much spot on to my situation.
I have perfectionism and I've watched his past videos on this topic MANY TIMES, OVER AND OVER. This video is the first time I've heard him talk about there being different kinds of perfectionism and sort of tunneling down on the perfectionistic behavior looks like internally. This is VERY helpful. I find that the more that I hear him discuss about these topics on different components of it or angles, that helps me introspect a little more. I just get inspiration for things to introspect on because I'm thinking about how this relates to me.
Been a while since I watched a Dr.K vid, but glad this one was recommended. My own high standards have been such difficult barriers to overcome, but I've been slowly conquering them this past year. I'm glad this video not only reminded me I'm on the right path, but also helped me reflect on my progress. Thank you :)
Through the keyword "Procrastination" I found out about my ADHD (Psychiatrist Tracey Marks), also perfectionism is a common symptom of the ADHD spectrum
Same here, and to add to that issue, there is also a struggle of mentally organizing and ordering a sequence of smaller tasks for a large project when you have ADHD. Name's Dr Kacer if you wanna look him up
This hits so close to home. I'm currently in my final semester of my final year in university and the Reddit user was so spot on with describing things - in my case, specifically with academic work that I procrastinated on from my first semester, and having to do everything in the next one and a half months, including my final semester coursework and dissertation. Anybody else currently doing academic work, whether at school or college or postgrad etc., you're not alone in this! We're all going to do this together! And thank you Dr. K for your words :D Here's to hoping I can graduate in June.
Holy crap this has been me for years and I’ve been doing terribly emotionally. I might watch this every morning and I will definitely take this advice in.
One thing I've recently realised about perfectionism is that an aspect of my perfectionist streak is trying to overdo things (e.g. an assignment at school) so I can cover my bases and it is because I am actually not clear whether I have met the standard or not. I think it comes from doing assignments at school and university where there was no chance to get feedback and make improvements, so you have to get it right the first time. Because you can't get any feedback, you basically have to make sure you have covered absolutely everything and not missed anything out, even though you don't know exactly what the criteria for success are. Basically the conversation I have with myself is: "Is this good enough?" "I don't know, so I'll do more/better" (I.e. more 'perfect') It was very interesting to realise that dimension of it, because I haven't been in school/university for ages and I've since accomplished many other things by trial and error and it is a very different process. When I can accurately measure my progress, I don't really have that perfectionist approach, I can just see if it is working or not and can change accordingly, no tension/anxiety. I worked for several years doing fieldwork in the forest, and basically if you didn't bring something you couldn't use it and that could be a major problem. So you have to bring with you whatever you think you may need. I would tend to come overprepared so I was prepared for anything. Many people said I brought too much stuff, but then they would ask to use the stuff that I brought haha. Anyway, I would tend to over prepare but over time I gradually trimmed down on the amount of stuff I brought in order to simplify my load. I realised that much of the stuff I brought I had NEVER used, some I had sued a few times, and some I used a lot. So I was basically able, from experience, to assess how likely it was that I would need a particular thing, because now I knew what I was doing, and how likely certain situations would come up (e.g. I have needed to use a needle and thread to repair things about 2-3 times in my whole outdoor experience). I didn't know that before but now I do, so instead of over preparing I can just prepare appropriately, knowing how likely something is. When I don't know what I actually need to do in order to succeed (e.g. the criteria are unclear, or it is something I haven't done before) and I think i may not get another chance I tend to approach things with a perfectionist approach, so I don't miss out. I think what helps me is a) making sure I have more than one chance and b) being clear on what I actually need to accomplish Thanks for listening
Perfectionism was sold to me as a good thing when I was a kid. This lead to me feeling exactly like the person from the post for way too long and I'm still trying to figure it out completely
I have this problem and with my therapist we work with gradual exposure at non perfect performance and failing. I begin to feel so much better in my skin now. I even do better in my life, hobbies and work.
This video is so good. This has been a major problem for me, so seeing Dr.K talk about it is very helpful and I really hope this will be able to guide me to tackle the problem.
Good stuff. I can actually see some aspects of my life improving after following doctor k’s advice. I hope I can continue to improve and be a better person for myself and others.
I can relate to the procrastinating behavior, but not by the two types of motivations offered. In my case, the reason is hopeless laziness. I procrastinate because I DO want to be good at that thing, but I also know how much time investment will be necessary. Even if I study all day, that's not even 0,1% of what I need to learn to be good. Add to that the fact that I want to learn a million different things and the cold hard truth that the day only has 24h and bam, doing anything feels paradoxically like a waste of time. I've made some progress fixing this, learning to have fun during the process, but sometimes it's hard to have fun doing stickfigures when you can already imagine all the masterpieces you want to produce once you get good. Even if I enjoy it, I'm enjoying a different type of productivity.
Being asian, my parents rewarded and punished based on my grades when I was a kid. Grew up with horrible perfectionism and procrastination problems that led up to me almost dropping out of high school, later dropping out of college and at the same time quit my job. I sat at home and hit rock bottom. I ended finding a more forgiving job and ended up becoming more independent with my life in general. I entered a more "screw it I'm just gonna do things" mindset and I've failed a lot since but I've learned that it's better for my mental health to do things important to me on my terms and on my time. I'm going to be graduating college in a month and my advice for similar people who struggle with procrastination. I had classes that were on the brink of failure because of 0% assignment, and I had classes that were in the clear because I had a bunch of 20-30%'s. Sometimes you gotta just swallow that pill and be fine with just a passing grade to get that degree while still preventing mental breakdowns.
Truly thank you for making this video. I'm on medication from a psychiatrist and endocrinologist, and maybe some time earlier when I was watching about sit down and then to separating procrastination, something clicked in me. I'm starting doing journaling not to review my day but to write stuff I came up with now that'll may be useful in the future and to unload my mind. It's still at night before bed but that's a start. I thought about my Japanese learning that I dropped. Maybe I can do it a few minutes a day. I liked learning it, not even applying it to anything, just learning. The stars aligned at that moment and I really felt the change. It's working, I'm happy now. Also, the things you talk about in this video are really simple, but I imagine hard to implement.
In my pov-: Actually perfectionism lies in extreme superiority complex coz for example if u want to learn a guitar, u won't just think about learning guitar.. u think about how can u become the best version of playing guitar, eventually u create a plan but if u just fail to do a small thing in ur plan.. ur subconscious mind thinks u can't achieve ur goal I.e is becoming the perfect guitar player as ur subconscious thinks u created a plan to become the best but if u failed to do even a small thing ur subconscious things ur not on the right track to become best as the blueprint of ur plan to become best is not followed
This hit way too close to home for me. Close to tears acutally. 😭 I like the idea of just sitting with the uncomfortable feelings rather than just forcing myself through it, I'll be too tired to begin anyway. I do have perfectionist tendencies and it truly is ruining everything for me, even things I normally enjoy. Thank you for sharing this with me and everyone else who needed this.❤
I understand what he’s going through as I feel the exact same way, I’ve always been hard on myself that I’m not meeting these impossible expectations to achieve ‘perfection’. Thank you for this Dr. K and to the user who posted, glad to know I’m not the only one out there
Halfway through my eyes started to water, I dropped out of school because of these very problems and simultaneously navigating my parent's divorce and one of them having a drug abuse issue. I feel like I've failed them and myself. Especially myself, I tell myself everyday I should've just pushed through it and gotten a scholarship because everyone tells me I'm so smart. Then I remember I was to the point of hallucinating because of sleep deprivation, that'll happen when you have an undiagnosed and un-medicated anxiety disorder apparently. But I "have so much potential" I'm a perfectionist and that tells me I caused a failure in my life. When I look in the mirror I still see a walking inefficiency. I'm 20 now and still don't know what to do about it all or where I want my life to go. I feel like I'm drowning in the air around me when I dig up all these emotions. If anyone who's made it farther in life with adhd has any advice at all for me I'd appreciate it so much.
I'm pretty sure the answer to his question is in the question. The fact is that he said he wants to do so many things but never follows through with anything. Well the thing is that if you have too much on your plate then you'll never be able to get anything done because you actually need to prioritise first. This person needs to determine what their life's priorities are going to be if they are ever going to put their time into something.
What helped me a bit was 2 thoughts from Stephen Guise's book "How to be an imperfectionist". The first one is "effort over perfection". Once you value the effort you put into something instead of the actual outcome, you can only fail if you don't do anything, but on the other hand, if you do it, you are good to go. The second one is "make success easier than failure". It connects to the previous one, but slightly different. It doesn't work well with tests, but let's say you have to give a presentation. All you have to set as your goal is to give the presentation, and not worry about HOW you are doing.
I have lost weight bc of my perfectionism bc of the amount of steps I feel I need to do perfectly involved in cooking food to sustain myself and I feel soo much pressure to make it healthy or find the perfect spot in the day to figure out a meal not derail my work day, so I just don’t eat in the end 😓
Best advice ever: Go out on a trip, not to nature, but like a festival or cultural thing were you feel integrated (e.g San Fermines in Spain). After that you'll naturally come to realize that all your problems happened because while growing up you forgot how to enjoy life. What i mean is that once you feel loved and integrated, you have room to open yourself to new experiences and sincerely tell wheter you like something or not, instead of trying a copy-paste of what you see other people do on social media (make tons of money, be discipline, be hardworker...). Spoiler alert: SOCIAL MEDIA AND INTERNET IS BULLSHIT.
Sometimes i start a project and then i do deep research for every single thing😢, i start planning and ranking things to analyse the BEST option. This takes so much of my time, i also engage in activities like Playing video games and binge watching movies etc. Just to avoid the stress due to it and then the deadline comes and i stay awake at night to complete the project and submit it knowing i could have done way better 😢, if i get a little bit more time i could have done better!!! 🚫 I tend to overthink a lot and then then leave everything due to frustration.... Sometimes i even avoid shopping cuz it has so many options and i want the BEST 😢
This video really defines a struggle I have lived with for years; I’ve been diagnosed with OCD and anxiety in the past. I really appreciate this video I cannot Thankyou enough for your advice and acknowledgement of this struggle
I have both of these kinds of perfectionism simultaneously and Dr.K just succinctly described the failure process I have been trying to digest over the course of my entire college career. Currently trying to cope with my procrastination for my final thesis. Thankfully, it's not as bad as it used to be. (Thanks Dr.K)
So I was raised in the abusive situation with the default I'm crap, but I also got the "depends" situation added on top for I can avoid certain abuse by performing well. Like getting a 100 in a class resulted in no abuse and anything less than a 95 resulted in physical abuse and being locked in my bedroom for months. That combo was really hard to overcome. I still struggle with perfectionism.
I love the fact that you made me laugh with something that is very crippling to em! Thank you! Also, I've just realised why I'm a sore loser - perfectionism!
Thank you for making these, Dr. K. I've listened to a couple of videos today, and it's just so nice to get a different spin on the same issues I've been dealing with for what feels like forever
Procrastinate comes down to avoidance issues. How I've overcome my procrastination is everytime I believe im avoiding something I just go do it so then I stop thinking about it.
Thanks Doc! I wonder, is there a connection to my situation: I struggle with reaching goals meaning "If I set a goal, I'm supposed to get it 100% and if there's something out of my control that might influence my chances of succeeding - bah, I won't even bother, bcs I don't want to feel disappointment for my wasted efforts and broken hopes". I've been a really naive but very diligent kid and teen meaning I've been used and disappointed by people a lot, always blaming myself bcs who else to blame if I'm the one investing efforts voluntarily? Now, that I'm nearly a loner at the age of 28, how am I supposed to interact with people or go into the unknown if I don't have a clear map? I know that such map is impossible and I should "just try and fail" but I can't tolerate any more disappointment and if I try to think everything through, I can think of about 10 ways a situation could turn, but it's so demanding that nothing is really worth the effort.
Thank you for this. I have so many sewing and writing projects I keep putting off and wanting to know why I procrastinate. Going to watch this repeatedly probably to remind myself because I give into cleaning and playing games (... or binging youtube) too frequently. I also remember I was advised to start a day planner with hours in it and start planning my chores and if I don't get them done, it's OK, they can be re scheduled and it use to give me a better feeling of achieving things. Even if I squeezed something else in, I wrote it down until it became a better habit. Think I'll start that again today and writing in the new planner I got ages ago is one of those procrastinations xD.
This might be my favorite analysis Dr. K has done and I've seen a fair amount. I've had a debilitating combination of both root problems since I truly flash-banged into consciousness. To be entirely honest this might be the SINGLE biggest mental hangup that I possess. It's honestly terrible that so many people relate to this. I hate knowing that an entire generation of what are likely to be immensely talented artists are being held hostage. Tied down by a ridiculous cost of living and the irrational fear of disappointing our parents. Why the hell that is psychologically impactful is still beyond me at 24 years old. I've probably wasted years' worth of time arguing with my mother, just in my damn head. Conversations I won't ever have, have already had, arguments I've lost, might lose, could have, on and on and on that fucking wheel spins. The tragedy is that if I spent less time fighting with that voice I could accomplish more and not be so paralyzed from the fear of being a burn out. Head eat tail. I feel as if I was "meant" to see this. I experienced a synchronicity when Dr. K mentioned becoming unbothered 'like the Buddha'. The ONLY thing that I've found in this life that has eased this affliction, and I found it recently, was Eastern values/religion. The idea that it's fine to just fucking breathe for a second or get something to eat if you need to. It's okay to put it down and go to bed when you're tired; it will be there tomorrow. And if it's not? That's okay too because the world is not going to stop spinning, the economy is not going to collapse, and nature will not stop functioning just because you didn't "do something" or because you "failed" (whatever the hell any of that means anyway). I can't help but wonder how much of my generations' mental health crisis would be solved if we could just ease up on the damn throttle. Our whole lives we're raised to "hurry up and go to school and get a degree and get a spouse and have a kid and buy a house and do the thing and you better get on with it because-". Exhausting.
its so so true. i have always tried different things that i enjoyed from art , reading, watching anime, studying too. but as i was preparing for neet i was so overwhelmed by negative emotions of competing with thousand of children, i just left it. i was always best in class nd i wasn't even near to top students now. i just left it lol. i just studied to pass but that didn't do enough nd i regret it now. i should hv stopped comparing nd given my best.
When people say they are willing to try anything, they mean they are willing to try anything in an effort to achieve their goals. This means many people are not restricted to only trying that which works, and will in fact try anything that has a reasonable chance of success. They may try many things which do not work, the only things they will not try are things which they KNOW will not help them acheive their goals.
From my experience, I would like to add that I personally was also actively involved in music before, I was a perfectionist. I want to add that perfectionism was gone for 8 years from my life and I became indifferent to myself, how I look and so on, I quit doing exercises, although I began to work even better, I became smarter, less anxious (this all came to me with pipe smoking tobacco and marriage), but at the end of it I found that I followed the denial of the pleasures of conformity and the importance of trends, but they are important. My perfectionism has become different, I do not necessarily want to be number 1, but I would like to someday achieve extraordinary results in something. The difference is that I do it without expecting commercial success or people to praise me, I just enjoy doing these things. And there's nothing wrong with being hard on yourself if you're doing it for fun. I can only say that I feel sorry for people who make their self-esteem dependent on their material success. In this regard, I have long been thinking like a machine: material values are just a need, but nothing more. I warn against spiritual teachers, coaches who teach the denial of materialism, I warn against those who say that only the material is important, as well as from the ideas of the movie Fight Club. They are maximalistic and do not affect needs, growth. They lead to a regression to the Stone Age. Another thing is that it is possible that you should consider whether you are deceiving yourself by saying that you really care about the inside. Sometimes people complain that others are superficial, but maybe we ourselves are? Maybe because our inner world is really a useless garbage dump and all we can rely on is material values? But it is possible that everything has always been like this, and that the inner has always been in some sense secondary to the outer. Perhaps this is only until we acquire enough material values to be adults and independent individuals. This is all just my addition. It's viable, what Dr. K. said. Mine stuff is just my personal experience of abandoning narcissism and perfectionism and returning to it wisely.
Mine more manifests in bull-headed ways. I only avoid people because I don't want to deal with trolls or asses who'd absolutely get me to go off if I was upset. I still actively try to get better at stuff though... Although after MANY hours of failure (literally only ever taking place after 12+ hours of failed attempts without break), I will just sometimes shatter my ego trying so hard before I can allow myself to lower the bar or give up, but only because I can't emotionally bring myself to keep going anymore. I can't even take breaks or do something else because my failures will just bother me for hours after I stop, I can't even sleep until I am too mentally exhausted to keep thinking. And even if I ever lower the bar to be more reasonable, it just robs any meaning or care in the victory, and spoils my mood to the point it doesn't matter if "the ball gets rolling" because I had to lower the bar to reach that point in the first place, it's all just meaningless after that. This mindset I have somehow fallen into has robbed me of a lot of enjoyment from things that should be my hobbies. That I should love doing. I almost wished I could just give up and not care. I mean, the only reason I ever got insanely good at stuff was because I loved doing it, but now it feels like I just can't get better and I can't do anything right anymore.
"Intolerance of imperfect outcomes" = My scenario is, since I was a musician that played every Sunday at church for YEARS, it always felt to me that the outcome can't really be imperfect EVER, "you are the "musician" in front of everybody, you can't fail, what do you mean playing a wrong note? pff". Anyone else feeling something similar?
i am a perfectionist since ages. I could handle my perfectionism for a long time. Since the internet got popular it got out of control. I am above average skilled in paintings, analysing things and trends, photoediting. But i am not perfect on a single topic. Thats no problem in theory but since the internet started i see thousands of other people for instance on instagram or deviantart who are 10 levels above me. Iam not jealous nor i envy them, i adore ther work. I can never reach this level of skill. I really tried but in the end i am not a natural creative person. I am into art because i am interested in it. Beeing creative is a huge effort for me. Knowing that there is a mass of much more talented artists out there killed my passion for creating art by my own completely. I know its silly but thats the way it is. Logic would tell you that there were always more talented people out there, logic tells you that you do it for your own joy, logic tells you that you are in the end better than 80% of the world population, but still logic fails to convince me as others who are impressed by what i created in the past can't convince me. I further could talk about AI which makes the whole situation even worse for me. From now on AI can create even more creative pictures than those artists whom level i cannot reach.. But i work on this issue and i am positive that i get my joy of creating back.
I have an undiscussed third kind of perfectionism where I can start the task and work on it no problem but I refuse to put it down until it is perfect. If there’s a deadline I will literally pull an all nighter before submitting something I deem sub-par.
That's also bad advice imo. I think perfectionists tend to take things accurately, so if one took "than yesterday" literally, they would fail many, many times. People have bad days, lots of them, and even more days where there isn't any progress, and rather the opposite. I know what you mean.. But it's better to say that you should aim to improve over time. Not mentioning a specific time frame that could create pressure - which ultimately would make you procrastinate again. That is how sensitive this topic is. Or how sensitive I am...
As an artist this is so real! What is considered “good art” is so subjective that there is not really “perfection” in that field as it’s not really measurable. Yet this just raises the bar to something so intangible and unrealisticly high, it drives me nuts. I usually try to judge my work by what I think is good and what not. However, I am a really harsh critic… 😂 😅
To me perfectionism has felt like im living in a future where i made all the right choices but now im in the second person point of view ( narrator tells the reader/player what to do/feel). So this "future" part of me is trying to tell my present self exactly how to get to their perfect ending. The problem is that this future self never actually did anything to get there so how do i follow a path that doesnt exist and its too much to figure out so i just shut down instead. Now ive been focusing on identifying what it is im trying to get (make a video game, finish that homework assignment) and give myself the easiest task i know i can do to get started on it (i just need to open the program or i just need to write my name on the paper). Once ive started i typically get sucked into the work and dont have time to focus on the outcome. If i start feeling that perfectionism creeping in again i stop, reflect on what ive done so far (looking to the past instead of the future) then write down what my next easiest step would be (change the color of the material or write the next sentence in my homework).
