LIMERENCE: Abandonment Wounds Cue Partners to Discard You 

Your story is very relatable. I was also the scapegoat and still struggle with feeling "too mentally ill/ unwell" for anyone and I recently turned 40.

It's called emotional abandonment. Some of the most painful abandonment can be the person sitting next to you in the same room, treating you like you don't exist...or that they prefer you didn't exist.

@@chachadodds5860 I feel that!

I so identify with this! God bless you 🙏 ❤

Yes!!! My parents were married for 44 years before my Mom died. Dad has since passed away too. They were physically available to me ALL THE TIME, but ZERO emotional support. I’m 52 and still in limerence. They also modeled to me the typical Narcissist (dad) - Codependent (mom) dynamics

I'm 51 and still struggling with hopelessness

Sending you love!!

Same here. You're not alone.

69.....no, never too late.🙏🏻🥰

I’ve got you beat . I’m 69. My last trauma was age 49, going through marriage collapse and divorce . I began educating myself about relationships, etc .

Thanks for watching! -Cara@TeamFairy

Agreed, ESPECIALLY when you’re supposed be married! By the time I was able to confirm the side chick, it made me wonder how many there were in the 10 yrs we were married. He lied a lot so in all fairness, not even sure they even knew he had a family, but it no way excuses it. Once you find out they are in a commitment, and they want to cross the boundary, then it’s up to YOU to maintain YOUR boundaries - and END it, REGARDLESS of where you fit into this Pandora’s box (side chick or the spouse). As you can see, from your past, or the patterns, they will use you and while they keep their life in tact (by conveniently keeping you out through exclusion of key people and places) - you’re NOTHING but a dirty little secret and will discard you quickly as soon as it’s convenient for him. You LOOSE in the end as they will never loose their facade of stability and permanence. Even if you become the main, someone else will become the side chick. They have a pattern of cheating. You’re welcome. He’s NOT Prince Charming - he is a douchebag.

I am a middle-aged man. About eight years ago I met in church activities a woman a few years my junior. She was emotionally needy, which made me feel safe and I became her best friend (her words). I knew her parents had divorced, which I took as a red flag. After two years she told me she has "almost not dated ever" but would not clarify. She constantly let slip all kinds of things, then protested angrily when I asked about them but usually answered my question soon with a twist or a new slip. One year more and she had a routine operation and I was the only one to visit her in the hospital. She acted impolite and selfish and that put me off, but for some reason I fell for her a year later. After one very intense and taxing summer I found out that I was one of four of her nice guys. One traveled with her abroad for a short holiday, but after she disregarded his romantic gestures, he never wanted to see her again. One was depressed. She spent holidays with his family but the family realized she was leading him on and did not want to see her anymore. The fourth one was autistic but devilishly handsome. They shared a nerdy hobby she was not really good at. She was dying and crying to be with him and he had no clue why. At the end of the summer I realized this part of what was going on and did not message her for a few days. I felt used (though that was what I unwittingly had agreed to in the first place). She panicked. After we started talking and meeting each other again I tried to make up for my reaction or "betrayal". I patiently expected her to clean up her act or "realize" that I was her "best option" but she became increasingly difficult to be around, even ruined for me an event we went to together (I invited her and paid for her meal) while still maintaining that I was her best friend. I believed that since she did not seem to get along with other women. Then she had a hardware problem at home. She sent me a video where she described what had happened and said that she wanted the device "on me… I mean, on". A Freudian slip if there ever was one. Before I had time to reply she had gone to visit some dude unfamiliar to me to find a temporary solution. I later learned that this was one of (clearly many) guys she had been sleeping (and only sleeping) with and the one she had earlier "almost not dated at all". The most I did with her were a few friendly hugs and we were supposed to be chaste church-going young adults. Late that same year I stopped messaging her for good. We saw each other in passing, in semi-friendly terms during the following year, but that was it. Haven't been eager to be with anyone since. Of course I was suffering from absolute limerence during that summer and fall. I was already struggling with my studies in university and these events ruined the last semi-promising restart for good.

@@seriouscat2231 Please read or listen to Doc Love. You'll see. He talks exactly about what you just described. It's nothing new, that's for sure.

@@supercoolyguy, the idea I get is that he's selling stuff for men who want to get a woman. Like I said, I am not looking for anyone.

It is still important to get to know the way of the narc to be able to recognize them.

Yes 🙌🏼

💯 Love this

Thank you! I’m so over everything being about a narcissist when it’s kind of narcissistic in itself to stay in the victim mindset when you really can just do the work for yourself. People are overdoing it trying to label everyone as a narcissist.

Its true but not a magic bullet either. Last relationship I was in, I did all these things and set boundaries and raised flags and discussed my concerns with him. He was very good at making me feel like I had been heard and that he respected me but his actions said different. I didn’t leave early enough and he bailed just after the point where I committed. I was devastated. Boundaries take practice, effort and commitment from both sides.

Yes, that's the word for it!

😂😂😂 yes

Yer not wrong.

Yeaaa happens

Thanks encouraging! -Cara@TeamFairy

I know, but my anxiety over being abandoned is absolutely emotionally *and* physically crippling. It's less traumatic to stay single - which weirdly makes be feel unsafe. It's a damned battlefield no matter what I do!

Im the same wayyyyy​@@raindrops21_9

​@@raindrops21_9it felt real empowering until I looked around, realized I was old and sick and likely to always be alone.

Not really. It’s why many experts recommend never telling a man what you want; bc he’ll just fake it until you’re trapped.

@@nataliaalfonso2662 I'm quick about resolving people like that too. I had one guy like that, I told him if he doesn't knock it off I'm gone, he continued so I left. Simple as. Don't bring children into a relationship you're not sure of, don't say or think it'll fix your relationship because that's stupid, make sure you stay working and have your own money. It's a case of common sense and mutual respect.

@@nataliaalfonso2662 Well I am speaking from experience and I'm happily married to a decent man, how's the expert advice working for you?

​@nataliaalfonso2662 then you call his ass out and leave when he goes back on word. You always have the freedom to end a relationship.

I agree

Maybe because You have a 'bad object' internalized?

I just face reality that no one can ever love me like I do. Therefore no one is ever going to be truly worthy. So I no longer waste my time trying to pretend there could be. I’d rather give myself that love than to waste it on someone that can’t. Also I know I can’t ever meet anyone’s personal expectations either so… it’s a waste of time and emotion.

@@kristinabledsoe7692 and how does it feel for You?

This is what should be "taught in schools" if possible; a learning for life!

Meditation is a game changer 😍

Its just so terribly sad that people who had cruelty as children now have to guard themselves constantly in adult life from other cruel disregarding people. Whereas a small proportion of the population just simply meets someone else equally caring, reciprocal and attracted without any second guessing, cruelty or inconsistencies. It just happens easily and quickly. The truth is fate decides whether or not we will have real reciprocal nurturing romantic live on our lifetimes. Many of us will never have this but we can learn to love life in a myriad of ways (loving friends, children, pets, nature and the spirit of kindness etc) without the longing need as a child for acceptance ❤. I am unique and enough. Good luck survivors ❤😊

❤❤

@@tinamenon1593 the earth will always accept her children with open arms

I hear you and couldn't agree more on this. I admire your strength to acknowledge the journey and uncomfortable past. I hope you know that you are worthy of respect, love and the amazing things you deserve. ❤️

I’m one of the people afraid to be hurt again. My best friend recently told me that I have to get over that fear and put myself out there. But it’s hard for me to do. I just feel like I may die of grief being so heartbroken again. I’m just trying to focus on my physical and mental health for now. I’ve only ever dated two people in my life and have felt I was not valued in both connections. Which is why I left, but the heartache never goes away for me. Which I find annoying and depressing. Sometimes I wish I could just drop people like flies and be more kinder to myself. But I’m constantly sacrificing my feelings for the feelings and opinions of others. I just know that everyone usually has some form of trama from past experiences and I always have taken that into consideration with anyone I meet. To a fault most times.

As a dose of reality: you only have to consider the average divorce rate in Hollywood to realize that those are some of the most messed up people imaginable, for whatever reason . . .

Sounds like something I could have wtitten word for word.

Relatable. I feel so stupid for even allowing this shit to happen. I exactly when and how I fell into limerence - it’s trauma from when I got kicked out, trauma from being fondled as a young girl, being teased at school, taken advantage of at the same school. I’m just tired 😪!

​@@PreYeah by the way that they act and things they say. I had one tell me that he's not interested in hearing what I had to say. I've had other guys just straight-up leave after they got what they wanted.

Same, hon. 7.5 years with a Covert Narcissist.. who had a live-in girlfriend,..who he ( behind my back) married. Because she could have kids...and I couldn't. And I stayed. Because I " loved him "... I couldn't let him go. Trauma bond was STRONG ... I'm in trauma-therapy.. am having my eyes opened to Why I allowed this, WHY I felt like it was ok to be treated like a Secret/ booty call/ side chick. ..( **hint: I have an abusive father .. ) I value myself, now.. learning slowly.. to value ME

Don’t forget to be kind to yourself and forgive yourself. We make mistakes and it’s ok. We’re not perfect and we’re still learning how to live in healthy ways 🥰😘

So many of us here in the same boat! Agreed 100%. We deserve so much more.

@@user56gghtf That's true too, I just think the average guy would move on, but a true narcissist might see it as a fun challenge sadly 😥

Thank you for taking the time to comment to share your kind words towards Anna! Nika@TeamFairy

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy 🙏🏻

So glad you came across it, it's one of my favorites :) -Cara@TeamFairy

How can you be in your power even when others aren’t self aware and/or behave badly?

They don’t go to therapy because they don’t think they have a problem & the minute you speak up for yourself, he’d call you “crazy”. It’s always the woman’s fault

Abused and traumatized women can actually be highly abusive to men, among other women. Men realize that good men don’t get chosen, nice men get walked over, emotionally available men are strung along, an inexperienced men get flaked on and ghosted. As a man myself I realize I have gone through all of these phases and have built up walls to avoid getting emotionally attached to women and to avoid getting taken advantage of or hurt. After experiencing firsthand how many woman just want to use me simply for dates, dick, or attention and validation I have gotten resentful at times, feeling like an accessory, feeling like I’m not someone who ever really gets granted personhood just utilized and made to feel that I have to prove myself. I understand that some of the women of the past may have been acting out of trauma when they treated me the way they did, but that doesn’t change the way it felt. Now I am trying to be better with setting my own boundaries without overcompensating and resorting to selfish and inconsiderate behavior towards women I date to protect my own feelings like people have done to me in the past. The one thing I never want to do though is to blame my experiences on women, because it doesn’t help me to take responsibility for my own inadequacies and my own healing. I’m building a better model of a what a healthy relationship is to me and I’m getting better at avoiding women who do not fit it. I’ve grown more by being objective about my own toxic preferences in woman than I have slandering their character.

Me Too

Same here...

Awesome! Thank you!

3rs marriage, 3rd cheater 3rd separation, Lord help grow

I hear you. Keep up the good work and don't give up. Healing is possible! Nika@TeamFairy

Sending you encouragement! -Calista@TeamFairy

I love her voice too 😌

Thanks for sharing your experience. I'm so glad the video was helpful :) -Calista@TeamFairy

Thanks for the suggestion! Glad you're watching with us. :) Julie@TeamFairy

You are so welcome! Thank you for watching and sharing your comment! Nika@TeamFairy

It sounds like you're in the right place! Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy

YES!

Glad you think so! Thanks for sharing! Nika@TeamFairy

So glad! Nika@TeamFairy

Welcome! -Cara@TeamFairy

So glad!

School of hard knocks!

Glad you caught it :) -Cara@TeamFairy

I love your powerful self-honesty here, AND I want to rush to your side and remind you that at the time, as you say, you weren't in a position to fight back or make different choices." Even if you feel like you should have known better, there's so much noise in the culture about how to handle love, sex and dating. Some of us discover our inner compass through suffering, which I wouldn't wish on anyone, but the wisdom that results is powerful and can shine a light for many. Good work!

Thank you for sharing! -Cara@TeamFairy

As difficult as that may be, and maybe that doesn’t apply to you, there are many other that it does apply. As EXTREMELY HARD as it is to see the truth about some of our parents, it’s absolutely necessary. Yes, many “did the best they could with what they had”, but that doesn’t excuse nor justify the severe emotional, psychological, or physical damage that can and has been caused. Also, some parents KNOW the damage that was caused, but because of their own guilt and shame around it and the fear of accountability around it, they avoid it. It’s really unfortunate that humans really struggle with this. The world would be a much better place if more people had the empathy to acknowledge their wrongdoing and make the effort to do right. Instead, they run away and leave a mess that the people they hurt to clean up their mess. Then they wonder why they eventually end up living miserable lives.

Happy that you're here!! :) Ashley @TeamFairy

Welcome to the channel. Grateful you're here! - Ashley, Team Fairy

we are glad you are here now. Jack@TeamFairy

what i tell other people is that when you are raised by narcissistic parents, there's a very likely chance you become a narcissist yourself and attract yourself to other narcissists. It's almost a given, and something i have personal experience with, as I have fell in that trap before. Phrases, like " I have done absolutely nothing wrong" is what a narcissist would say to not accept accountability and blame on others. They see the narcissism in others but not themselves.

Yup.

Exactly, what type of shared relationship is that-for all parties.

@@Charity-vm4bt Some women want the benefits of a relationship but act like they are single. They often have many, many male platonic "friends" waiting for their chance. If her boyfriend expresses any uneasy feelings about this, he is accused of being over jealous with trust issues. If the man has even one female friend, he is found guilty with no trial. Women who need to surround themselves with many men are self centered and hypocritical. Maybe this is biological? Men are generous and principled by nature. No. Much like your comment, I was describing a select group of females based on my personal experiences and observations. It by no means signifies some inherent biological trait found in females but absent in males. Or vice-versa. To make broad sweeping conclusions based on a few personal experiences is quite frankly offensive.

@@Charity-vm4bt Wow! I'm a male that's been dealing with a female's narcissistic abuse for a couple years now. There are many women like what I described. Some men also. "Good for them"? You sure have a sexist point of view. What I was trying to get at was these are narcissistic issues, not male vs female issues. But apparently the negative impacts of having double standards is a narcissistic trait you have no problem with.

@@Charity-vm4bt Just curious as to why you deleted you're comment that I was first replying to.

oh me too!

Saaame. When you’re older and don’t meet as many ppl I start thinking about all the good guys I let go trying to make the unavailable ones love me

Me three!

Me four 😖...thankfully I'm on the other side of this now but wow this video made SO MUCH SENSE to me ... I wish you all the strength and courage to love yourself first ❤️

💯💯💯Allison. Me too!

So true.

Yesss. But then whats considered princess treatment

@@NotebookMapofLemon i wouldn't know 🤣🤣

​@@NotebookMapofLemon No reciprocal gift giving or caring?

Spot on!

Same

Me too

I cried. I’ve felt so invisible.

I wish I had written that whole speech down. It would make a fabulous poster!

*hello dear do you wish to manifest your Ex, crush back or someone you love dearly?*

I needed to read this, thank you.

@@jainy1707 I am hoping this finds you well and strong. When we stop believing other people are somehow magical, perfect, soul mate, there to fulfill something we can break free. Sending you good wishes!

Yes, I agree. It was AWFUL! He was all that I thought about. I was unable to maintain a job or even normal executive functions because my obsessions were so bad. I'm autistic and I and prone to ruminate. This happened after I had my second baby, I believe it was a form of postpartum psychosis/postpartum breakdown. I also had left a narcissistic abuser who I'd been with off and on for eight years, and I had known him most of my life, and he shattered my sense of himself when he be in saying horrible things about me. I also had a lot of other intrapersonal issues that were affecting me at the time, I was not diagnosed with autism until a year after I left my abuser and that was around the time I had my baby/pp issues. The limerence lasted about 5 months.

@@Pugetwitch So very happy you were able to break that mind trap. Also happy for you to get a solid diagnosis. Sometimes people can go decades without a proper DX. I hope you and your child are well!

@@therealJamieJoy but my girl is magical and love is beautiful.

Good job! The struggle is real and your suggestions are appreciated! -Cara@TeamFairy

Fantastic advice x

Or avoid romantic relationships altogether and work on becoming a more whole, stable, self-reliant person so that when you re-enter that arena, you are able to be dedicated to yourself first and foremost.

This was so helpful thank u so much. I am struggling with this and see no light at the end of the tunnel

Ooooh I’d love to see how I can apply this married! I def want to use all my delicious energy for my spouse, but see that younger part of me (which recently) became awakened to limerence or other attention for hits of excitement. I love how specific and intentional this is.

@@PreYeah so very well said

@@PreYeah 👆 This, 💯 We may be filling a gap in ourselves because we weren't allowed to develop as a complete person in the beginning. Sadly, this probably requires A LOT of self-reflection and parenting of ourselves to discover who we are, and what we want and deserve in life before including others in our lives.

Brilliantly and wisely said!!

@@PreYeah It’s a learned behavior from the trauma. It’s really very logical if you think about it. We learn to please others. We learn to hyper focus outside of self to actually (unconsciously) protect self. Fantasy of other is also chemically addicting. Releases all those bonding hormones that feel good. And limerance/fantasy is safe because we’re not truly being vulnerable or intimate.

@@PreYeah Just like a mirror. The object of our limerance, who are usually unavailable on some level even if just emotionally unavailable or uncapable of intimacy, anyways they mirror for us the same inability to see us. They make us feel as invisible as we already feel. And in an odd way that creates resonance.