LIMERENCE: Disguising Strong, Secret Feelings Won't Protect You From Pain 

I just burnt all my Twin Flame drawings and bullshit of 10yrs!!... iv stopped myself thinking about him today only once!!! I say to myself "healthy detachment" lol Thankyou Crappy Child... im still working on it, but its getting a little easier.

I didn't come up with this, but gentle reminder: if they're giving you mixed signals, the answer is "no".

Limerence in the workplace is a terrifying experience.

We've all been there, unfortunately. A mantra I always remember in scenarios like this is "if he wanted to he will". Some men (and women) are masters at continuously stirring romantic desires even though they have no intention of ever pursuing you. Some just enjoy the energy they get from a woman who has a crush on them. If he's doing all the sweet things but still has never asked you out, it's because he doesn't want to.

"Limerance is a response to depression and disengagement from life" 34:14 oof that one hit me deeply

"Why continue to be attracted and hold a torch for him?" "Because you haven't yet developed a life that is more attractive than a fantasy of someone who isn't with you" Ouch. Very true. It is a way that I escape emptiness and invent something to look forward to. I have a crush on someone for the first time that may actually be healthy, but I don't fully trust my judgment. I stay distant to save myself another tragedy, and to save him the trouble of dealing with someone like me.

Just ended being a side "friend". It feels good. I feel like I just told the universe "Don't bother sending that sort of stuff my way anymore. I'm looking for quality." Thanks, Anna.

Only a traumatized girl would grow up to think that’s all she deserves [paraphrasing]. Thank you, I needed to hear this today.

She’s healing me more than any paid therapist or therapy could 😢

“Oh Maria, someone was kind to you, and it meant so much to you.”

"I feel broken, like I'm not supposed to exist in this world". My heart goes out to 'Maria'. I'm sure so many people here have felt that, and it's such a dark place to be.

I love how kindly you cut through the BS and lies we tell ourselves.

Every time I watch your videos I cry thinking about how much limerance has taken from my life. It really is a curse.

“Because you haven’t yet developed a life that is more attractive than a fantasy of someone who isn’t with you” 🤯 I’m so grateful to come across this video and realize I have limerence for someone I work with too. I watched him say the same compliment to another employee and realized my special feeling wasn’t real. He treats everyone with loving eyes and kindness. Ugh, I feel ridiculous heartbreak 😂

Men are clear not confusing. If there is ANY confusion then do not assume. If you have to ask the answer is NO.

"When birthdays roll around...nothing/ nobody. When Christmas rolls around....nothing/ nobody". So sobering

I want to thank Maria for being brave and sharing her story. As someone else mentioned, and after coming out of a terrible bout of limerence myself recently, I know too well the shame that comes when you start to emerge from the fog and realize how far gone you were. I’m grateful to have gained so much more perspective and control over my own healing, but do struggle with the grief of how much of my life was lost to this kind of thing. Have heart, Maria. You’re in the right place. I have found Anna’s courses so very helpful, both on their own and as a support to help guide my work with a therapist around these issues. 💜

Ten times during this letter I was like: when did I write this? I don't remember writing it but this is 💯me. Since I've learned the word limerence my life simply makes sense. I'm not above it, I'm not cured, I just can see it like "oh, here we go again" and I just let it pass by like a huge wave, not fighting it, not judging myself or the other person, not analysing or going deep about it. Just good rest, good food, good friends and it's getting easier and easier to ground myself again. In the past I would've spent months longing and obsessing about a romantic interest, now it's a couple of hours from time to time. The content on this channel is pure gold. Thank you Anna!

I am a self confessed 'woo woo' person but I have to say I feel parts of the ' twin flame' community exploit ppls traumas and need for external validation/love perpetuating this 'great love is happening' despite no real world movement to a worrying degree.

DO NOT get involved in a "start up" unless you have some kind of financial stake in it. Nine times out of ten, you'll be exploited by the expectation you work as if you're a founder.

As Anna has said in previous videos, if asking an uncomfortable or clarifying question will ruin the fantasy relationship, there was something wrong with it to begin with. “Are you in a relationship?” “are you married?” “Do you have a romantic interest in me?” Be brave and ask.

It's so hard when you feel like you can't trust your own brain! 😫

I feel like people try to make other people obsessed because they have obsession. Obsession is not love. It is not trust. It is not respect. It is not real.

I channel all my old limerence energy into writing romance novels. I have a rich history of thinking I was living out romance novels when it wasn't even remotely real. At least I am incredibly qualified for this profession, as real romance is nothing like what readers want to read about.

Yes, his flirtations were ambivalent and somehow the writer wanted that ambivalence to be enough for a relationship. But it's not, for her - or any of us.

It's amazing how we can see and hear what we want...and be deaf,dumb and blind to red flags.😞

The analysis is so ingenious it makes me cry with grief and relief. Grieving all those years (in other people's lives as well) and feeling relieved bc there's an explanation and there are ways to tame this monster called limerence. Best thing I decided to do in 2022 is to educate (and heal) myself with Anna's channel and techniques. I've already learned a tremendous amount of stuff.

life draining, empty, hollow , depressing. Yep it feels like that exactly

I can really relate to this, it reminds me of the song ‘Wicked Game’ by Chris Isaac. I’ve had men do this to me a lot when they are married. I’ve come to the conclusion they have unmet needs or perhaps still want to feel like they’ve ‘got it’! It’s made me more careful of messing around with other people’s feelings as it makes you feel crap.

You snatched the wig right off my head with this one

24:26 to anyone in limerence this is brutal to hear from your LO but to anyone recovered from limerence this is what you wish was said to you in the beginning. Once you have feelings for someone that doesn’t reciprocate it’s best to move on with life and not try to even hold a friendship with that person.

It also explains when a guy feels good about himself by flirting and has no problem throwing an 'interest' under a bus for cash... We need men who have respect for women.

I’ve been having this intuitive hit lately, that actually, within limerence, there is also *wisdom* : wisdom about what we are yearning for. It’s not that specific person, but something about that person is bringing alive this deep longing for something that feels like magic. Like, our fantasies hold valuable information about ourselves. I want to get so curious about that longing, and the magic that this part of my soul is craving (which likely won’t come from that emotionally unavailable person, but which could still inform the ways I show up and the desires I share with people who *can* love me. I just am always seeing limerence talked about as a horrible curse, an addiction, etc ... and I want to take a different route, of consciously turning towards it with honor, instead of pushing it away as something destructive.

"You can heal... It will get better..." You are loveable and loved!

it's not impossible for men to be attracted to women they have no intention of ever having a relationship with--some women are simply attractive, and some men simply admire. i think the converse is also true of female to male attraction. i find that if you're on the receiving end of admiration from someone you know is in a relationship who would otherwise be interesting to you, always ask them about their partner. like, did your partner and you enjoy the weekend? or your trip? or vacation? ask how the partner is liking their job. or whatever. i find that doing this gives the person admiring you a safe place to be in their existing relationship, where they know you're not trying to horn in, and where they know that you're not reading anything into their attraction to you. and it gives you a much-needed reality check when you see their face light up when they talk about their partner. i find it a helpful way to banish limerence.

19:01 "Your feelings were so strong. It sounds to me like they just felt like they had to be mutual". Right ! Exactly ! I know that. My feelings are so special, so peculiar, so unique -- like the term "in love" would seem too simplistic and reductive to define such a feeling -- that my (false) intuition tells me they can only be reciprocal. Like there's some telepathy going on. But, no, I'm fooling myself : it's just limerence.

She’s not crazy. Most narcs will do this to get that attention from you. They know you like them a lot and their ego feeds from it. It’s a game to make you look crazy because of course they have a girlfriend or wife. You feel drained but they are glowing from the energy you are giving them. Never ever play games with people like these. They are sick.

This is so interesting to me and makes so much sense now. In middle and high school I got a lot of attention from guys - if ever I liked someone he would often show interest in me in return. But for some reason I never actually wanted to date them, just the idea of us being together was enough for me. My crushes would do everything to win me over and I'd consistently deny them - only to go home starry eyed and fantasize about us being in the perfect relationship, lol. The fantasies were more important to me! I was very aware of this too and it drove me crazy. Despite my very intense desire for male attention and affection I couldn't actually let myself have it - in fact I'm still struggling with this 15 years later. The human mind is amazing.

We all deserve more than being the 'work spouse' ! Being emotionally unavailable is a box that if ticked blows the rest of the good traits in a potential partner out of the water. When people show you who they are believe them, the first time. - Maya Angelou

I have found that reading romantic novels or watching romantic shows/movies make my limerence worse. So I stay away from that.

This is the closest I've seen to my own limerence experience. I find myself wanting to yell, YES, YES, YES at many of these videos.

She may be recalling things inaccurately but i know what she means when she describes his covert advances. Its happened to me several times. They do that so that you know whats going on, but just in case other ppl notice or you talk to someone else about it they can gaslight you easily and make you feel crazy. Its such a low thing to do, messing with someones mind that way.

Not to deny limerence, which I truly see there and I'm starting to acknowledge myself in my life too, but some even good men do really love to send flirting glances and admirations while asserting being in a relationship. I've experienced that. Especially when they see the girl is responsive. They may also get jealous if the girl shifts her attention to other men, even if they don't break up with their girlfriend. It's deeply immature behaviour but it exists. This adds confusion, and I do understand Maria. But still, that was fantasising and I truly support the idea that "only a traumatised person" is subject to getting used to crumbs of attention. Hugs sisters

Love and Limerence by Dorothy Tonnov, this book is amazing. There has to be hope and rejection at play for Limerence to really take hold. It is incredibly painful, especially if you are in a push and pull relationship. This is the perfect recipe for years of unhappiness. I’m thankful I can name this and not feel insane.

It sounded at one point that this letter-writer confronted her boss about his advances and tried to get an admittance out of him. But she didn't directly say that happened. That may have been why he let her go

Her first language is not English and this is probably why she is using these terms. Thank you both for sharing this story.

Hey Anna, can you make a video on dealing with the shame and guilt after ending a limerence dynamic? I had to get EMDR therapy after and it helped but I still struggle with intrusive memories. I’m so embarrassed of things I said or did when I was in limerance with someone and I truly felt like they had feelings for me too. Now looking back from reality, I feel so embarrassed and humiliated about what that person thought in the moment and what they think of me now.

i've had so much limerence in my life, alongside maladaptive daydreaming. Both those terms have been really helpful - sometimes if I feel like I just really want to daydream rather than be present, I do allow it but i'm able to acknowledge what is going on and have more control. Limerence wise i know i've kind of been doing it since atleast 8 yrs old. But in a weird way I feel i've managed to keep myself a little safe because low self-esteem has meant i've never thought any of those people would actually be interested in me. The most helpful thing to remember, after actually experiencing the following through getting into a relationship is: if someone wants to talk to you, they will. When they wanna see you, they do and ultimately they tell you they're into you! If you find yourself having to read into what they're saying or your sentence is something like 'they said - insert reason as to why a relationship wouldn't work - but THEN they said this which made me feel like -insert positive feeling-". You are probably reading too much into it. --- Thank you so much for these videos x

It all goes back to attachment injury. Heal the attachment injury and the limerace is gone.

Spent almost my entire life in this state. There is always someone it seems. I am married to someone who has shown me nothing but love and dedication, but my diagnoses (bpd) and the history of trauma makes me latch on like my life depends on it. It's horrible and I have to isolate sometimes so it doesn't happen. I wouldn't wish it on anyone but it's very very important to learn how to live in reality. I'm getting better every day

This limerence series is soooo soo incredible. Cant get enough of it

Always start off by asking if this person you're attracted to is really available. Saves a LOT of time. I have run into this kind of situation at work and school, and just cutting it off at the get-go spares you the agony. It is possible to establish strict boundaries, stick to them, focus your attention elsewhere and just keep it moving.

She needs to entitle these letter readings “Truth Telling”. I love the clarity and honesty she brings to RU-vid.

"When guys like me I don't tend to find them interesting" same girl, I am always attracted to people who doesn't want more than something casual

I love the idea that romantic feelings can be self contained if there's no one to reciprocate them. I hadn't even thought of that! Emotions, especially strong ones, can be so leaky. I'd love to hear more about self containing romantic emotions.

some men who have anything resembling power at workplaces will try to monopolize the women. maybe some would pay more attention to one of the prettier women for a while. the psychology is that many people in a relationship are also looking for a backup relationship, just in case, you know. it happens to christians too. i've heard a story where 'god' told a guy he could have 2 wives, or some drivel like that. i'm sure it was magical for all 3 of them. i think this is one instance where you are underestimating pig-like behavior of humans, which likely wouldn't even occur to you that any man would want to monopolize every single pretty girl in his vicinity. (i doubt her feelings were way stronger than his, and i can easily believe he made eyes at her)

I'm just coming out from a Limerence state of mind. The story is quite similar to Maria's story. Anyways, I've always been in a limerence state of mind: with friends, with work colleagues, with my boyfriends. Everytime I find out that the romance existed only in my head, I feel so ashamed of myself. I'm so blind and so naive, even if I've experienced this so many times. I'm starting to think I've never experienced love; I don't know what love is, I only know limerence.

This fits SO MUCH of a past relationship I had my 'fantasy' person I met on Instagram. I wish I had known what limerence was back when I had encountered him. You say somethings that hurt to hear, but lead to so much clarity! Your channel is helping me heal and to never fall for an unavailable partner again.

Non-romantic limerance when you know the other person probably doesn't think of you is a real doozy too.

I relate to this one a lot, and I still don’t have the answers. The guy I’ve been in limerence with actually did pursue me at first, we went on a date, slept together, then he kept up with me for months (though he traveled for work and was based 6 hours away from me), asked me if I wanted to rent the spot he had where I lived, helped me move in, slept with me again, would text me every day sending me jobs in the area, events in the area, or just making conversation. I got my wallet stolen one day and made an instagram story about it & he texted me checking in to see if I was okay. The living situation fell through because of pandemic related stuff & so he asked his friend if I could work/live where he was. I moved up there, and since day one he was avoiding & ignoring me. Instead of communicating like I should have I just suffered in silence and left a couple weeks later. He rushed out to ask why I was leaving, I didn’t say much, and then I blocked him on everything. It’s been two years and I just recently found out he’s had a girlfriend since I left, because I caved and checked his social media. It made me realize that one day I thought I overheard his friend ask him how it was going with someone, but I brushed it off cause I was like “there’s no way, I see him every day, he’s not with anyone”. But even before that, it was clear that he didn’t want me, whether it was because of someone else or not. I racked my brain as to why someone would behave that way towards me but not want to be in a relationship with me. What helped me sleep at night was assuming he was scared to be with me, or wanted to but wouldn’t because I was 10 years younger & his friend told me he’d hook up with someone that much younger but would be embarrassed to date them. Those things, in theory, helped me feel better about my rejection but not really. It just kept me on the hook. In the end none of it matters. If someone really wants to be with you, they will. Nothing else will matter. And some people just do that. They play with your head and they string you along and who knows why? But they don’t want you. And it effing sucks when you completely adore them.

Only just realised about limerence at 57. Now I can understand being in constant crisis, and hopefully heal myself x

I was just in a limerent state with a neighbor for about 6 months. Thankfully I kind of had a clue that it was. It was still strong and powerful and felt "real".I really do understand how powerful limerence can get. Why did it happen? Well, I'm a live-in caretaker for an elderly father and brother with special needs, have been for the last 3 and half years. It's been hard, I don't have much time for myself at all.....and unfortunately there were a lot of big life changes during this period......the pandemic, 3 friends moving away, my daughter moved 2 hours away. So I've understandably been very lonely. I was also traumatized by all the sudden changes in my life. The new neighbor talked to me quite a few times and we shared some quite intimate details about our lives. I took this and ran with it and started to develop a big crush....and then.....it turned into limerence. He had flirted with me a lot but other than that showed very little romantic interest and NEVER asked me out or anything like that. I'm just glad I had a sense of what I was doing and why during this six months. But it was almost like I couldn't control the strong feelings I had for him. I'm thankful that I gradually came out of it when I really took a good hard look at how I felt versus what was actually happening with him (nothing!) and WHY I fell into limerence. I'm so grateful for videos like these because I also realized a lot of my feelings were probably coming from just pure physical desire more than anything else. (It's been a looooong time). Thanks again for an informational and also very empathetic video. I'll definitely recognize this a lot sooner if it ever happens again, and nip it in the bud.

I think if you've been traumatized, there's a cruel side to your mind that seems to justify the lack of ethics you experience either towards you or around/involving you. I call it the inner "evil sugarbaby". Others might call it the jezebel princess. The "mistress who's got it all, the man, the car, the keys to the kingdom"... (I think media/soap operas glorify this trope as tragically aspirational) Never waste mental resources on taken men. Even if there's a sweet guy with a girlfriend and your inner evil-sugarbaby tried to get you to think, "he loves you more than his girlfriend/wife , you're funnier, you're prettier, so you can steal him away from her." Nobody wants to admit these thoughts. But they are related to our ego, but not rational. The truth is maybe he doesn't love his girlfriend or wife, but that doesn't guarantee he will love you more!!! It might just mean he is a flirty coward who likes to be in control, but have no strings attached with women he has "fun" with..

Limerence is so dangerous ive had friendships end bc of it as well as been the one fantasizing others its like a spell where distancing myself felt like my only resort this video really spoke to me as cliche as it sounds

Can you speak about the shame of people "having to" cut us from their life/job because of the limerence in a "cold" way (to not hurt our feelings) after making them very uncomfortable?

This is incredibly relatable, except my limerences never seem to be romantic for example my most common ones are on teachers and usually older people, I definitely think it's because they represent safe parental figures in contrast with the childhood abuse and neglect I've been through yay c'mon cptsd

I actually feel like I can relate to all of this, I have a major issue with self sabotage. Every time I get somewhere I eventually become discontent. Then I lose everything.. I fear that I'll never become what I always wanted to be.

I experienced hardcore limerence recently, but the problem is I’m married! Needless to say, the object of my limerence was not my wife. I’m still trying to sort out what that means for my relationship, and what steps I need to take to stop it from happening again. When I try and talk to therapists about it they are so laser focused on “save the marriage save the marriage” they don’t even take the time to hear me, and discuss my life in an open and unbiased manner. It’s invalidating, and feeds my feeling of being a bad guy for feeling this way. What’s worse is this is the third major crush I’ve had since being in this relationship. The question I need answered is this: since this keeps happening, might this point to a deep seated unmet need in my relationship, and do I need to end it? It’s making me depressed, giving me learned helplessness. We have a lot of toxic patterns. But I can’t get any therapist to examine that openly. They don’t even consider the possibility that the marriage may be unhealthy for me, and maybe I do need to end it, and maybe I do need support through that process. Instead I get to hear about positive sentiment override and get told to “just wait it out, things will get better” or “kids do better in homes where the parents decided not to get divorced” like I’m supposed to be a sacrificial lamb, staying unhappy in marriage for almost two decades “for the kids” And I’m sorry this is kind of a rant, big time tangent, just wanted to get that off my chest. There’s nobody in my life I can actually talk about this stuff with. My one friend that I see outside of work is very untreated adhd he just talks and talks and talks non stop I can’t get a word in edgewise, and my luck with therapists has been poor. Shout out to all my fellow limerents out there!

Yes he was not right for her if he was unavailable, however It sounds to me that he WAS also attracted to her. I don’t disagree that Maria was probably in limerance, but I do disagree that all the things she said about him adoring her etc were all in her head . To think we will never be attracted to another person just because we’re in a relationship is not realistic. I think we can tell when someone is also attracted to us- we can feel it and we subconsciously can read nonverbal cues. He didn’t make a move because he was trying to be loyal ; that doesn’t mean he wasn’t also attracted to her. This is also why he didn’t talk about the girlfriend. Yes yes yes he was not right for her if he was unavailable; but that does not mean that the cues she read were wrong. I think some people do like to play with this kind of energetic attraction. Being in a relationship doesn’t stop you from becoming attracted to someone else. (Of course being attracted doesn’t mean a person has to act on those feelings) Is that simply not Limerance ? Is limerance never mutual? Limerance is obviously different from attraction; Attraction does not necessarily equate with being out of touch with reality and cause loss of optimal daily functioning. Maybe that’s just not limerance?

After decades of therapy and much involvement in 12-step programs, I am receiving a surprising benefit from viewing the videos here by the Crappy Childood Fairy. The dissection and analysis of other people's experiences with limerence has cut through my denial and given me a new perspective. I'm very grateful for the clarity, patience, compassion, and direct honesty we receive from your interpretation of the letters from brave and sad women. Thank you!

I find this lady to have very good discernment and judgement. Wow. It's not easy to unpack the riddle of our lives with imperfect or in some cases abusive parents. I like how practical and to the point she unwinds complex relationships. Nice job! The best therapy is God Therapy. Be grateful and see the abundance of blessings around you.

“Your perfect guy wants to be in a relationship with you” 😅

What has helped me in healing has been doing things I love. I’m 55 soon I don’t have much faith in finding a partner etc but I do want to heal

I'm so glad you are talking about this. I've never heard anyone else talk about this. I have done this limerance stuff when I was addicted to methamphetamine. I got a restraining order. I got multiple criminal trespasses and I ruined my life. Thankfully I am sober now but this type of thinking still comes up and I literally have to "play" a logical person in my head to get myself out of this thinking. I am a trauma survivor. I know this is probably mostly a female thing but gay men also suffer. Thank you for your videos!!!

You're uploading these Limerence videos at exactly the right time, these are describing exactly how I felt about this one guy.

Actually it was through you that I started remembering a question to stay aware, "Am I falling in limerance or love?" THANK YOU!!!! 🎶🐶🐾

Please everyone don't confuse someone being kind or polite towards you as someone being interested in you romantically. I completely understand the letter but be realistic and don't humiliate yourselves. It's very painful when someone takes advantage and lies to you because they can sense that you are attracted to them. Dated a coworker in 2012 after he pursed me for a long time(4 years)don't understand if I was only a challenge. But after 14 months I found out he was dating someone else. It felt humiliating and when I tried asking him why he did that to me he literally turned his back to me. I was heart broken and one of his friends went around saying i was delusional that i was never intimate with her friend. Seriously, he would constantly come to my house and had even met my brother! It's sad that this left me so hurt that it took many years to wanna date; experienced more disappointment and I kept waisting years waiting years in between to regain a desire for physical contant with anyone. Now I'm 49 and i feel old and stupid for feeling sexual desire for another or any man. Men my age more than likely have someone and I'm starting to wanna lower my standards and just be a side piece, I'm starting to feel lonely and what to be caressed by the man I'm attracted to if only as an affair. The desire and the fact that i do have some life expectancy issues(nothing contagious of course/I'm not selfish!) just makes me wanna not care if he's involved, I can't devote myself completely to anymore because I've never been a priority for anyone not even my ex-husband who had left me in 2000 at the age of 28; turns out he had only married me to get citizenship. After six years together once he thought it was guaranteed he admitted everything left me with 2 small children to raise alone and I have no family. To top everything off when he left he rubbed it in my face that i was never his type and that he had kids with me because he just wanted to see if he could get me pregnant because all the other women he was with prior never got pregnant. I guess this is my confession as to why maybe for me a fantasy would probably be better at this point, remembering so much hurt sucks. But at least here no one has to see my face and it's not so humiliating to share all this.

Yeah. It feels addictive to me. The fantasy is more pervasive than what's happening in reality.

20:45 As you heal your trauma, the behaviour begins to matter, you won't have to use your imagination to fill in the gaps

I’m experiencing this with an online parasocial relationship, it really sucks. It’s hard enough being infatuated with someone unavailable, but it’s even worse when they don’t even know you exist. I’ve also found it to work as a coping mechanism for severe loneliness. As much as I want to let it go and move on, I feel like it’s all I have to cling to right now as there is nobody in my life and I don’t think that will change anytime soon. I spend a lot of my time in my head fantasizing and projecting my ideal partner onto this person. I’m kind of lost on what to do, should I just force myself to give this up and suffer without it? Or keep it up until I’m in a healthy place to let it go naturally? I don’t really have anything else. Being a lonely guy is so painful. Life is so distressing and this is the only thing that brings me happiness, even though it isn’t real. Doesn’t help that I’m stuck in an emotional flashback right now and it’s kind of keeping me afloat at the moment.

This video is very helpful in the amount of information. I was limerant to someone a few months ago. Things were bad. I was living with my mom, I didn't have a great job, I felt so depressed. I felt like I wanted this guy. I also didn't feel worthy of him. I saw him a few days ago and he seemed upset at me. I'm not really sure about anything with him But I refuse to let him take anymore of my time. I spent a lot of time pining away for him

Thank you Anna, I needed this reminder again concerning limerence. I have noticed how my addiction to tarot card readings here on RU-vid just makes it worse. Truly Limerence is a curse lol.. but you know what, there more aware and informed I am the better for me and everyone in and around me. So, thank you for being such a blessings to us all. 🙏🏽🖤

Ambiguity. OH yeah. For me - lonely, isolated, bereaved - a married man's off-the-cuff, sexually-charged comments turned me upside down. And I KNOW he fed off it. I still resent him for it, even while he did a 180 soon after, and was generous with his free time in order to help me. THAT I believe was his conscience acting.

I've had several limerence non-relationships and when they ended (because the guy ended them), I lost a lot of weight, which was actually pretty cool! Now that I'm on the other side of relationship hell, I believe I was often obsessed with unavailable men because *I* wasn't available. I wanted sex and physical affection, but real relationship? I was clueless.

I'm so thankful this is being brought out in the open for people tp discuss . I wasted years in a limerant state - it seems to be the mind's way of putting a soothing hard shell around itself .

I also can relate to it in the way that sometimes I just really like certain people and I don’t know why, it’s just their energy but it’s in a friendly way and not a romantic way. If someone really liked me I could see how they would interpret me as liking them, because it’s also in my nature to be very attentive and more friendly than most. Some of us are just more like that than others and I’ve realized through my Limerence that all you can do is ask the person if they like you or see that they have not made a move and find closure for yourself.

I love this lady she's so real. It helps. She does a really good job of letting you know but empowering you at the same time.

Oh man, Maria. That is not a safe guy. he knew what he was doing. He used his position to manipulate you. I’m sorry. I feel for you.

OMG!!!! I’m going through this right now. Let’s be honest, unavailable men can be attracted to other women. Marriage, even unhappy/unfulfilling ones, aren’t easily ended. I do realize that attraction doesn’t lead to happy ever after. I have removed myself from the situation; and am now fantasizing less. I do need to understand how this happened. Thanks for your guidance.

My limernce was stemmed from the emotional unpredictability in my own environment.

This sounds like a lifetime movie! She needs to know doing her job should have been enough! It appears she may have over did her job & felt like she wasn't appreciated! That can lead to anger! I believe when I was much younger I was similar to her in dreaming of relationship with ppl who wasn't the least bit interested in me! I grew out of that thinking when I realized those ppl never offered to take me to a movie or take me out to dinner! If I have to pay everything for myself I shouldn't waste my time thinking of ppl who don't think about me!!!

He may have had an adoring gaze. It's incorrect and gaslighting to say "No one says 'adoring gaze'." Obviously some people do, and to imply she would further isolates her. It's not true. He may have stoked these feelings in her.

Sitting in SLAA meetings, listening to limerence stories...I never really understood it...how one could become obsessed w a person and never really have any physical interaction. Thanks for explaining this..it is sad, but a person can heal

the flowery language could be because she is not a native English speaker? idk if that is the case for sure, but maybe if she says she is miles away from American culture.

This video is just what i needed to see. I did not know this type of thinking had a word for it. I think it is a coping strategy to avoid dealing with the pain of rejection or other similar feelings. It keeps you from letting go and moving on with your life. You are in a fantasy world and not living in the present moment or reality.

I am in this situation right now. Funny coz my name is Maria and that we are of different cultures as well. It’s a pity that on a conscious level, you educate yourself with the conflicting signs that he’s not romantically interested. It takes so much discipline to snap out of this situation. When you realise this, you feel that you are living in a parallel universe. You feel ashamed, embarrassed of yourself, angry, and your self-esteem shatters (if it’s not already shattered from the start that’s why you puff up each grain of sweetness). I really hope I get out of this. Easy for others to say that one should just walk away but the mind combined with your past experiences and relationships lead you to this pathetic tragedy. I know i’m smarter than this. And yeah, the fight is exhausting and all-consuming sometimes. That’s when I know it’s NOT healthy at all. Thank you for making this video and letting us know that there is a word for this mindset/experience. Falling for unavailable men is the worst because exerting energy is worth NOTHING to BOTH parties.

I just started to get help and my therapist told me to watch your videos so I started and I did cry with every video I thought I'm alone and a weirdo I thought I'm not normal and the problem is me and I'm wrong to live so thank you. You are the reason why I keep trying to get better thank you to let me out of my stress and anxiety even for one minute it was worth it can't explain the way I feel

So many great things are said throughout this video. Someone to tell you the truth of the situation during limerence is crucial to moving on. Great video on this.

Thank you Anna. I think i've spent most of my 32 years of life in limerance cycles. Some lasting much longer than others. Mum used to get annoyed with me sometimes and say "You're not with reality!" but didn't know how to actually help me with that (if she realised that it was something that needed some help vs. a character flaw, not sure). Reality hurts a lot, unfortunately.

As a guy who does this as well. Luckily the first time I acted on this I was so politely shutdown. He's still a very good friend and we talk often. I don't feel the same way anymore but I still sometimes daydream about a reality that we could've worked out.